Credits. Cha, cha-cha, cha-cha. Cha, cha-cha, cha-cha. Cha, cha-cha, cha-cha, cha-cha, whee, go xylophone! Splashy bus! Cha cha cha.
Carrie's first VO of the evening makes me certain the rest of this, the second episode of the last ever season of Sex & The City, will be too cutesy-poo for me to stomach: "The only thing better than the first few bites of a great burger are those first few dates, with someone named Berger." Hork. We zoom past an awning that reads "RESTAURANT" and see Carrie and Berger inside, chowing down on -- guess what? Right. Burgers. Why couldn't his name have been Bealty, or Tyunamilt, or Pirogue? Berger is just so on the nose. I know, I'm so mean, hating on the puns the second ep in, but it's Sunday night and I've got my hate-ah hat on. There, I told you I'm hating. Do I get points for honesty?
Berger tells a story about how his own mother heckled him at one of his readings at Barnes and Noble, and then tenderly wipes away a blob of ketchup on Carrie's lip. Aww. Then she takes another massive bite and girlishly wipes the corners of her mouth. Berger says huskily, "You like your beef." Hork. Carrie VOs about how everything is "fresh" and "new" and "foreplay," and HORK. Okay, reason one why this show is ceasing production: Even a dog living in the apartment of someone who's watched this show more than once knows that not every romantic undertaking can be fresh and new FOREVER.
Carrie VOs that "even a trip to Bed Bath & Beyond can become an ecstatic errand." Hey, I have the second shower curtain they showed in my bathroom. I feel so, um, like a person who owns a shower curtain. My mom owns the map one. It's really out of date. It has Burma on it and shit. Berger and Carrie debate the merits of having a fish shower curtain. Berger says he has the map one, but "China is covered in mold." Maybe that's how SARS spread.
And the "first kisses" are hot, according to Carrie's VO. The couple smooch fiercely in a restaurant, as the staff put up chairs on tables and turn out the lights. Carrie says she wants Berger in her "bed, bath and beyond."
Then, cut to them having very dull sex. The most unhot sex I've ever seen. Missionary pose, with smallish thrusts. Carrie winches up her forehead and stares at the ceiling as if she's looking for the drops of rain, but is actually being hit by air conditioner condensation that falls on you when you're walking down the sidewalk. It's not pretty.