Splashy bus, cha cha cha!
We zoom in to Carrie's NYC snow globe, complete with the now-gone WTC inside, as she VOs that the one of the best, and worst, things about New York is the proliferation of things to do, and then the struggle to decide what to do. Aidan walks in, a little dusty and tired from sanding the floors in the apartment door. Carrie bounces on the bed and asks if she should try to get a reservation into the new restaurant Town. With a period after it, as in "Town." -- the new hot spot so pretentious it must play with punctuation. I like that magazine Surface*, but the need for an asterisk makes me go all question mark? Whatever. I'm a writer, not a designer. Aidan says he's more into staying home, showering, watching the game, and getting himself a bucket of KFC, or as a friend of mine calls it, "KY Fry." Now, if you're in Manhattan and still eating fast food, I think I'd have a problem with that. There have to be a ton of soul food places where you can get really good fried chicken and "mashed potaters," as Aidan calls them. And staying in when you're tired, even if it's Saturday night, as Carrie whines? Isn't limited to those of us not living in Manhattan. If you don't feel like going out, stay in, Aidan, who says, "K period, F period, C period!" as he heads off to the shower. Good for you, guy. Carrie grabs the phone and calls Samantha, who answers with a "it's about fucking time, get over here and do me!" Not her "standard greeting," as Carrie inquires, but a retort to Richard, who blew her off four hours ago with an "I'll call you right back." Carrie ignores this news and asks if Sam wants to go out. Yes, she does, and she conferences in Miranda and Charlotte so we get a neat little four-way split screen of all the ladies. Char and Trey are still in separate quarters; Miranda's having a nap. Carrie makes the biggest meta-statement of all time, saying that they "have to go out before [they] officially become boring." Ding ding ding! Can I get a chorus of "TOO LATE FOR THAT!" Thank you. They decide to go dancing, with Miranda's only requirement being a place where she doesn't feel bad about herself for being "fat." So they go to a gay bar.
Carrie VOs that they have an answer to the question, "Where are all the hot guys? Well, the hot gay guys." Wow, this has to be the most clichéd gay bar in TV history. Oiled, beefy, shirtless guys gyrate in the black light. There's glow sticks and glow necklaces aplenty. Glittery confetti falls from the ceiling. The music: Totally Techno III, circa 1995. Let's just say it isn't a song people will be asking the title of on the boards, because it sounds like any other song you heard in a disco in the last twelve years or so. If this were an episode of or Dawson's Creek, I wouldn't complain, but there are tons of gay bars in Manhattan with soul, charm, and dancing; our girls had to go to a place that doesn't even have porn on the TVs? Well, I'm partial to cool dives. Dick's Bar on the Lower East Side, I'm looking at you. The girls dance, then make a few flattering generalizations about gay men, one of which is that gay men have hot bodies because of the possibility of having sex at the gym. "If straight men had that, they'd work out all the time too!" Sam adds that she has had sex at the gym. It's official: Samantha is a gay man. Then they decide to go to the ladies' room, where Sam and Mir guess that "there'll be no line." Yeah. Anyway. Charlotte sees an old friend on the dance floor, who's with a newer friend who's a design editor for Home and Garden. Char squeals that she used to wear her mother's pearls and flip through H&G's pages as a little girl. The design editor makes another cliché and says, "Me too!" Carrie offers up her pad as a "before," en route to being an "after." Char's friend offers up her Park Avenue pad for an editorial. Char bounces and squeals, "Ohmigod!" It'd be a dream come true for her apartment to be in H&G. Of course it would. She and the design editor go dance, and Char's friend is all, damn, she stole my man!
Miranda and Sam stroll into the huge men's room, which has a fish tank by the sinks. Sam hollers, "Attention gentlemen, ladies present!" Mir half-apologizes to the room, saying that "there's no ladies' room, because..." Because what? The place isn't up to code? There's always a women's bathroom. Sam peers at guys' cocks in the urinals: "Kind of like being a diabetic in Baskin Robbins." She can really give those lame lines life.
Carrie can't get a drink at the bar, because she's a woman in a gay bar -- get it? Get it? An Aussie gent (was he in Priscilla, Sars?) asks Carrie what she needs. "A penis, evidently." Because if you're a woman in a gay bar, it's hard to get served! Just like being an ugly guy in a non-gay bar. Oh, the ways of the world. They are so cruel, those ways. And so often made up in our own heads. The guy orders a dirty martini for "the lovely and talented Carrie Bradshaw." Oh, so he recognizes her and is kissing her ass -- great, now I totally feel like I'm watching and Carrie is Tori Spelling. Hideous outfit? Check! Excessive flattery? Check! Horsey face? You got it: check! So, Oliver The Aussie is new to NYC, uses Carrie's column as a "survival guide," and offers her a discount on all the big-name shoes he distributes day to day. Now, this was the bit in the promos last week that made it look like she was going to cheat on Aidan. But Oliver is GAY! So, no cheating. Oh, good. I guess. Her drink arrives, she sips, and Oliver notices her honking engagement ring. "My dating guru engaged?" Carrie says she's "still allowed to see other gays." So they make a date for brunch. She rummages through his goody bag as he digs for his card, and goggles at the gay porn tape: Jox and Cocks 4. Not "Jox and Cox"? Oh, whatever. They met cute; good for them.
Miranda emerges from her stall in the bathroom and sees Max, a junior associate at her law firm. She's all, hey! I didn't know you were a homosexual! He's like, "I didn't know you were a gay man either!" Heh. He asks that she "not make an issue of it at work," and for who knows what reason, she tells him she's pregnant and she wants to keep that a secret too. Gee, I wonder where this is going?
Char dances, until she remembers she's surrounded by oiled, beefy, shirtless guys, and retreats squickily to meet the ladies at the bar. She asks what she missed. Sam took X, Carrie got a porn tape, and Mir "outed a co-worker." Sam says she wants to hook up with Richard later and fuck, since "sex on X is supposed to be amazing -- it releases your inhibitions." Can I get another chorus of "SAMANTHA HAS INHIBITIONS?" Thank you. A oiled, beefy, shirtless guy peels off his g-string. Sam sees his cock, but we don't. She giggles, but we don't.
Carrie trips into her apartment in her heels and arm-scarf, and removes the bucket of KY Fry from her bed. Aidan, in his BVDs, asks that they "tuck in and go to sleep." Carrie wants to get her some. She says seductively that she's "had five cocktails." That may be a mating call in the frat house, but not in the real world, love. Aidan says he had too much chicken, and would Carrie rub his tummy? Carrie does, but not without a whiny VO, saying she "had spent the evening in a Calvin Klein ad, and now was back to baseball, buckets, and BVDs." Oh, boo hoo.
Sam and Richard have booming sex. She says she loves him, and is in love with him, then regrets it.
The morning, Sam in her skimpy dress tries to hail a cab as she calls Carrie in a panic. "If he's any kind of gentleman, he'll pretend it never happened!" Carrie's all, "You did have sex, didn't you?" 'Cause she and Aidan did not. Sam yells, "That's what happens when people say 'I love you.'" Wow, she is cyn. I. Cal! Sam says she is never taking X again.
Carrie and Oliver exchange more "witticisms" over brunch. "Who says you can't meet men in bars?" ponders Carrie. "That was true for me, last night," complains Oliver. Make room at the Algonquin, everyone. Scoot over, Miss Parker. Oliver has a b.f., but is allowed to have sex with other men. The gym "is a free space." Whatever. And maybe he shouldn't be saying this "to someone wearing a ring." And why hasn't she mentioned the giver of the ring? Carrie, sounding clipped, says, "Aidan. He's very tall. Kind." And he wanted to stay home with a bucket of chicken. Oliver reels, and is all, "After me own father's heart!" He offers to take her to Bungalow 8, which he says is a new hot club, but is actually a place where Nicole from Real WorldBack To New York went and passed out at the table because she couldn't hold her booze. Stanford pops up (in a green suit, shirt, and polka-dotted tie) and is all, hellew! He was just at Bungalow 8 last week. And is Carrie cheating on him with another gay man? Oy. He's "green with envy!" Because Carrie is "greedy, greedy, greedy!" Hee.
Carrie writes on her laptop: Does "settling down" mean that "the urge to shake things up" increases? "At what point do separate interests become separate bedrooms?" And the whole "single life on a shelf" thing. Whatever.
Mir snoozes at her desk, until a perky woman rouses her with a pert announcement that the office is caving in to "casual Fridays" (not an issue with freelance writers), and "congratulations" on being preggers! Mir marches across the hall to Max and asks if he spilled the beans. Yes, but "only in [her] defense." The office shrew had said something about Mir sleeping at her desk and "being bipolar or an alcoholic or something" and Max said Mir was pregnant, not drinking. Mir is all, dumb-ass, what if I told everyone in the office you were gay? The perky office shrew walks in without knocking, overhears that Max is gay, and announces the inception of casual Fridays. Good one, you two. Max asks if Miranda would like to call his grandparents . Hee.
Charlotte walks into Carrie's pad, where she and the other girls are hooting and watching Jox and Cocks 4. It's very tame for porn. Like, where's the dick? Char makes the obligatory protestations; the girls shout her down, but pause the tape to hear her latest complaint: Trey doesn't care about the H&G shoot. That's why gay men rule, says Sam. "They understand what's important! Clothes, compliments, and cocks!" "And clubs," Carrie adds. Mir says it sounds like Carrie is "cheating on Aidan with a gay man." Carrie says that "gay boyfriends are the loophole of monogamy." Heh. Mir tells the tale of being outed, and outing Max, at work. Carrie says "the problem" is that Aidan likes to stay in, and she likes to go out, which is either perfect or means they're "heading for separate bedrooms," like Charlotte and Trey. Char says Trey makes her feel bad for wanting a baby, so will Carrie put that porn on again? Porn makes everything better. It must be that wah-wah guitar lick. Bun chicka wah wah! Yeah.
Richard and Sam are having another one of their aggressive meetings. He says Steve Martin is "the toast of New York." Sam says, "He's the toast of the New Yorker, there's a difference." Hee. I love Rebecca Mead, pass it on. And are they going to talk about the other night? He's super cavalier as he says, "Samantha, you were high on X. Believe me, I've been there." So, she got away with it. But her face (and Carrie's ever-present goddamn VO) says that she wishes her blurted out I-love-you mattered to him.
Casual Friday. Mir wears a pretty blue wrap dress. You can see her tiny bulge. Max wears a mesh see-through top and camo pants. Hee! A suit walks by, makes a face at Max, and casual Friday bites the dust.
Char is arranging flowers for the H&G photo shoot. Trey walks in, and is told to move his stuff out of the guest room, and to dress nicely, but not formally. He's in the photo? Char says it's because the magazine thinks they're the perfect couple. Aw! Trey says he doesn't want to do this anymore. Char says she doesn't want to give up her dreams of having a baby. Trey agrees, gives her the apartment, and says he'll move back in with his mother. Yay, they're getting separated! My glee in no way reflects the somber tone of this scene.
Carrie's getting gussied up to go to Bungalow 8 with her gay boyfriend. Aidan is all, ooh! Give me a beer. Then he notices her engagement ring on a chain around her neck. Oh, whatever! That's rude, in my opinion. If the ring didn't fit, she could get away with it. It seems like a flaunting of the ring without the symbolism of wearing it on the right finger. Aidan makes no comment, other than to say "cool!" at the news that Oliver is gay. And should he come with? She doesn't want him to. You need a key to get into Bungalow 8. He's all, "Give me a fucking break! Come on, why do you buy into that shit?" Because people are lame, dude. But sometimes it's nice to feel like you're in a part of a secret society (hi, Laurel! Thanks for the tape!). Albeit a society that pays $8 for a cocktail. She leaves, and Aidan reminds her to use her special key to get back in to their apartment.
Carrie and Oliver blow past the line waiting to get into the club. He says, "Oliver and date." She flips her hair. "I'm your date?" Yeah, his date that won't get laid. The place is full of faces, sipping drinks. So new and exciting! Except for the new and exciting part. Oliver macks on a handsome man who's angling for a pair of the new Prada sandals. I wonder if they're like the sandals Gustave bought when we went shopping in SoHo last year? Carrie seems to need some attention, and asks if there's food or if "food is so very last year." Well, it's not as over as, say, demanding your needs be met by the person you came with. Order something from the waiter and be done with it. But when she sees Oliver getting his neck rubbed, she says he's in the "middle of a spa session" and stomps off a la Tori Spelling. Oliver leaps to his feet, and Carrie says she left "a gorgeous man at home to come here and be your date," and that she's not sure why she's here. Um, to go out and have fun? I can't believe she's guilt-tripping this guy she just met. Did he hold a gun to her head? I thought Carrie had needs other than being the center of attention? Guess not. He apologizes for "neglecting her," and they kiss and make up. Stanford walks up and lambastes her for dating another gay man. "He doesn't love you like I do!" Stanford says he knew Carrie when "she took the subway and wore Candies." Hee! Carrie denies it, and Oliver is all, "Candies?" Carrie and Stanford kiss and make up, then Carrie has an epiphany -- her "single self life has a shelf life, and it just expired." So much for Bungalow 8. To the strains of Nancy Sinatra's "These Boots Were Made For Walking," Carrie walks out, and goes home to Aidan.
Carrie comes home, and Aidan asks her why she owns Jox and Cocks 4, the only line that made me laugh all night. She claims it's more research for her stupid column. Hee. Sars buys Tiger Beat in the name of research. ["It was YM, for your information!" -- Sars] Aidan asks what she learned, and Carrie does the worst impression of a human beatbox ever as she pretends to go down on him, with the fake appreciative moans and groans. Aidan says, "A big thank you to all our gay friends." They make out. Carrie VOs that the best clubs only have a few members and are hard to get into. Yeah, we get it.
The H&G photo shoot is in full effect. The guys from the club are drooling over the china; Char says sadly that it's their wedding china. And is it okay that Trey isn't in the photo shoot? Because they're splitting up. Yay! The guy says Char deserves more than "that stick-up-his-ass preppy." Now go pose and smile, woman! She gets ready to pose alone, but Trey walks in -- he's realized that it's important to her. Their smiles look so false and forced. Carrie VOs (again, some more) that though Trey had moved out by the time the magazine hit the stands, millions of girls saw the photo of them and thought, "That's what I want." Girls, you don't want a loveless marriage. YOU DON'T! I'm just saying.
Carrie and Aidan snuggle as she continues that "relationships look different from the outside, and what's inside can be different than it seems." We finish with another shot of the snow globe, complete with WTC. Seeing them makes me feel more emotion than this whole episode did.