Belles Of The Balls

Carrie tells us there are a million reasons to celebrate in the city, and Steve no longer having cancer is one of them. The gang, except for Charlotte and Trey, is at the bar playing pool, and Samantha is playing like she knows exactly which pocket to put her balls in. Get it? Balls? You better, because youll be hearing that word a lot in this episode. Samantha then starts going on and on about having "only one ball leftjust one little ball." When she wins the game, Steve goes to the bar, and the girls and CIM take Samantha to one side and tell her to quit talking about "one ball." Samantha finally gets the hint, and asks if she offended Steve. CIM tells her he wasnt offended, but is a little embarrassed. The girls, except for Samantha, dont understand why Steve would be embarrassed about having only one ball. Gee, I dont know, maybe because he had two his whole life and now hes missing one? How would they like to go around for the rest of their lives with one boob? CIM thinks that he might think he was less of a man if he only had one ball, and Miranda doesnt think it makes a difference. Samantha then tells CIM about this one time she was with a guy with balls so big she could barely get one in her mouth, but he was "a big pussy." CIM is very amused. Miranda isnt into balls, and asks Carrie if she is. She starts to shake her head like she isnt, but then looks at CIM and tells him she is really into his balls. It's good to see that Carrie isnt breaking her "no honesty" rule with CIM to tell him what she really thinks. Samantha tells them that guys are totally into their own balls, and they tell her to lick them and pull them. Miranda is all "you pull the balls?!" like she never even thought that there was something you could actually do with balls. Samantha tells them, "They love it!" like she's teaching CIM something too, and then starts to tell another story about a guy she was with when Carrie interrupts. CIM wants Samantha to go on with the story, but Carrie wont let her. Carrie is such a party pooper. Carrie then theorizes that "balls to men are what purses are to women." Since when are balls sacks that you shove wallets, keys, and a can of mace in? Oh, Carrie then tells us, "Its just a little bag, but we feel naked in public without it." Since when do men go out in public carrying their Gucci balls? I can think of many things to compare balls to, and a purse is not one of them.

So then some guy comes up to Samantha, and she acts like she's his best friend even though she cant remember his name or the fact that they had sex. She asks him how he is, and he tells her that he just designed the latest Richard Wright hotel, which I guess is very impressive, but I really dont know much about hotels in the city. Samantha tells him she's been trying to get a meeting with Wright for months, and asks who is doing Wrights PR. He tells her Brad Rosen is doing the PR, and she thinks Rosen is a hack and asks the guy to get her a meeting with Wright. If I were this guy, I would be all "Bitch, you didnt even remember my name or the fact that we fucked. Why should I do you a favor? Suck my dick and maybe Ill call the guy." Instead, the guy tells her he will do what he can, and then leaves. Samantha turns to the girls and shrugs at them like "I have no idea who that man was."

Carrie then tells us that Charlotte and Trey had their own celebrating to do. They are eating Chinese food, and Trey tells Charlotte that he told the contractors that he expected them to get some job finished on time. Charlotte is all happy at how forceful Trey was and says, "Sometimes they just need to hear it from a man." Huh? Why do I think that Charlottes years working in a gallery would make her able to assert herself with some contractors? Are the writers trying to make Charlotte look pathetic now? So then she tells Trey that she went to the doctor because she was frustrated that they had not become pregnant yet, and the doctor told her that the easiest thing to do at that point was to have Trey's sperm tested. Actually, I think the easiest thing to do at this point is to relax and let nature take its course. Theyve been trying for what, three months? Her body needs to adjust to not being on birth control and get itself ready to become pregnant. In real life, I think a doctor would have told her to come back in a year if nothing happens. Trey gets all offended and asks her not to talk about sperm while they're eating. He also reminds her that it has only been three months, and there was no reason to assume that it's something wrong with him. Charlottes spine softens, and she tries to tell him that it is less intrusive to test him than it is her, and she is sure his sperm is just fine. Trey gets upset and tells her he's lost his appetite. Now, Carrie told us they were celebrating something; what is it? The fact that Charlotte cant get work done on time and cant conceive as well? Woo hoo! Party!

Okay, Im going to try as hard as I can to type this section without getting blood all over the keyboard, because my eyes are bleeding. CIM and Carrie are standing in front of her sink brushing their teeth, and CIM is wearing too-tighty whities, and Carrie is also wearing mens tighty whities and my grandmothers Cross-Your-Heart bra. I know CIM has lost a good amount of weight, but he isnt toned enough to pull this off and it just looks scary. And Carrie -- well, if I wanted to look at a senile old lady wearing her husbands Jockeys and an industrial boulder holder I could have gone down to Westminster-Canterbury. They are brushing and spitting in turn, and Carrie asks CIM if he likes his balls pulled. Oh, my ears! I dont need to hear this conversation either! He asks her how he would know. Dude, you are in your thirties. Youre telling us that no woman you have been with has ever gotten aggressive near your balls? Whatever! So then there's a minute of the two of them facing each other and shuffling around, and she's going to try to grab his balls and pull on them but he is afraid she will hurt him, and he still has toothpaste spittle around his mouth, and then the phone rings, which ends the insanity.

CIM answers the phone, and it's Big! Big is all, "Uh, hey man, its me." Like CIM would know exactly who is calling by the sound of his voice. Big apologizes for calling so late, and asks to speak to Carrie. CIM gives the phone to Carrie, and when she finds out who is on the line, she tells Big that they were about to go to bed. Big tells Carrie that Willow is "fucking with [his] head" and that he really needs to talk. Carrie tells CIM that Big needs to talk to her, walks out of the bathroom, and closes the door as CIM stays in the bathroom and sulks. Big whines about how "she can reach me, but I cant get her." And instead of Carrie coming back with "welcome to my relationship with you when we first started dating!" she just agrees with him that it's fucked up that he cant get in touch with her. He complains that he follows Willow around all the time and that she's yanking him around, and then he makes Carrie listen to an answering machine message Willow left of her singing "Im in a New York state of mind." Big asks her if he should call Willow again, and Carrie tells him not to and then tells him she has to go; she hangs up and walks back into the bathroom and apologizes to CIM. CIM wants to know why she had to run into another room to talk to Big, and she makes up some excuse about how she didnt want to make CIM feel uncomfortable by talking to Big, and CIM tells her that she's the one that's uncomfortable about it. She agrees, and tells him she doesnt want him to feel threatened by Big. CIM is all "I can take him!" and then babbles on about how when the Green Hornet and Batman fought each other, everyone thought that Batman was going to win because he was bigger, but the Green Hornet won because he had more moves and had Kato (Bruce Lee, not O.J.s friend) to help him. He tells Carrie that he is the Green Hornet and Pete is Kato, and then he runs and finds Pete and starts wrestling with him, which makes my eyes start bleeding again, because no man should wrestle a dog while wearing tight underwear that gets wedged up his butt. And since when would Carrie let Pete stay over in her apartment?

The girls are at their restaurant, and Charlotte wants to know what superheroes have to do with Big and CIM, and Carrie tells her that "in order to deal with Big, [CIM] had to turn himself into the Green Lantern." Miranda corrects her and tells her it's the Green Hornet, and Carrie doesnt care if CIM turns himself into the Green Bee, as long as he learns that there's nothing for him to be concerned about. She then asks if she should get Big, CIM, and herself together to talk about it, and Miranda asks her if she "had a big plate of crazy for lunch." Ahh, old Miranda is starting to come back to us. Carrie blathers on about how she wants CIM to know that he is the one that she loves and that she and Big are just friends, and Samantha tells her that guys dont talk, they fight. Because of "all that crazy testosterone. God bless it." Yeah, Samantha, we get it. You like men. Charlotte immediately changes the subject by telling the girls that she's going to get Treys sperm tested. Miranda asks, "Is it not doing well in school?" Lets hope the writers can give Miranda all the good lines for the rest of the season, to make up for the last nine sad episodes for her. Charlotte tells them how Trey got all upset when the subject of his sperm came up, and Miranda wonders what the deal is with men getting upset about "that area."

Carrie sits at her desk in front of her laptop, staring into space, as she tells us she was thinking about her friends and wondering if men and women were not as different as we think they are. She asks her laptop "Are men just women with balls?" They are, if they have breasts and ovaries as well.

Ack! A close-up of a dog from behind, so you can see his nads up close and personal! Steve and Miranda are walking behind the dog, and Steve comments on the nice size of the dogs testicles and adds that a dog with one testicle can't enter a dog show, and that there are testicle implants for dogsand people. He tells Miranda he's interested in getting an implant; she is totally against it and asks him why he would want it. He tells her that women get implants all the time, but Miranda chooses to ignore him and goes on to tell him that she wouldn't be able to tell if a guy had one ball or four. Oh, if she had her hands on a man with four balls, Im sure she would know it. Steve says that he would know, and that every time he looks down at himself, he thinks he looks lopsided. Miranda tells him women care about eyes and abs and dicks, but dont care about balls, but Steve doesnt really believe her. He tells her that he made an appointment with a doctor and asks if Miranda will come with him, and she asks him, "Where? Testicle shopping?" Steve gives her a cute look, and she just sighs. You know, if Miranda had a friend that lost a breast, she would be all gung-ho to help that friend get an implant. I dont know why Miranda feels like she needs to keep Steve from wanting to feel better about himself because she has a hang-up about the scrotum, and given the fact that she has a lazy ovary, she could be a little more understanding about not being "fully functional."

Carrie tells us, "Samantha finally got her meeting with hotel magnate Richard Wright. Smart, tough, a real ball-buster." God, quit it with the use of the word "ball"! We get it already! Wright thinks Samanthas rsum is all fluff, and yet he's intrigued. He suggests that Samantha work with Brad Rosen on the account. Samantha tells him she appreciates his offer, but she works alone. Wright tells her to "read between the lines" -- the men he does business with don't want to work with a woman, and he thinks that she's better off working with a partner that isnt so emotional. If by "emotional" he means "two-bit whore," I could understand what he's talking about, but Samantha has shown almost no emotion except for confidence in this scene. Im not sure what Wright is talking about.

Carrie pours herself a cup of coffee the morning, and she hears banging outside. She looks out a window and sees CIM throwing a basketball against the side of the cabin. Big wakes up when he hears the pounding, and Carrie tells him CIM is "shooting hoops." Shooting hoops? Since when is smashing a ball against a wall "hoops"? And when did the term "hoops" come back? Carrie tells Big that he has to "go out there and make friends with him." What, is Big eight years old or something? Big tells her, "We are middle-aged men, we dont make friends." He says they have nothing in common. Carrie tells him that they have her in common, and if he cant be friends with CIM, she cant stay in his life. Is that a threat or a promise? Big asks her how he should go about becoming friends with CIM, and she tells him, "Youre a guy, hes a guy, theres a ball. Figure it out." Yeah, like when youre the new kid and you go to the park and you are all alone, and the other kids are playing ball, and you ask them if you can play too and the other kids are short one person for their game of basketball so they let you play, and then you tell them that you have a Sony Play Station 2 so all the kids think you're cool, and they go back to your house to play video games, and your mom brings in cookies and Sunny Delight to snack on and thing you know you're all friends!

Big goes out to where CIM is throwing the ball, and right to where he's bouncing the ball against the wall is a basketball hoop, so maybe CIM was shooting hoops, and just playing really badly. ["I think he was just passive-aggressively making noise to bother Big's hangover." -- Sars] Bigs shirt is unbuttoned and he has a white undershirt on underneath, but it doesnt hide the fact that he inherited CIMs big gut from last season. Big apologizes for the night before, and then says, "You play hoop, huh?" Huh? It really doesnt look like CIM is playing anything besides "lets pretend this ball is Bigs head." Big asks if he can shoot, and CIM bounces the ball into the mud and then throws the ball at Bigs chest, and it makes a big mud stain on his shirt. Oooh, CIM is so bad-ass. Big shoots and scores, and CIM does the mud bounce and throw again. Big throws the ball back at CIM, and CIM throws it back at Big, and then they start shoving each other like two Girl Scouts having a fight over who sold the most cookies, and then they end up rolling around in the mud, not really hitting each other. Carrie goes outside and sees the guys rolling in the mud and tells us, "There they were. Batman and the Green Bee." Carrie teeters over to them, trying not to slip in the mud, yelling at them to stop it because they are middle-aged. Pete runs over and bites Big on the ass and then runs away, which stops the mud-rolling.

Carrie is sitting at the table with Big and CIM, and they are all having breakfast together. Carrie is reading the magazine as Big tells CIM about how Willow could reach him but he could never get her, and CIM is all interested and thinks that the situation was fucked up. No, THIS situation is fucked up. You cannot tell me that after one little roll in the mud and a bite on the ass from Pete, CIM and Big are going to be buddies. Were the writers on crack when they came up with this ending?? As that famous Billy Joel song plays in the background, Carrie tells us she never fully understood why "the storm had passed." Neither do I. This is too disturbing. I need a drink.

week, Charlotte still isnt pregnant. What a shock.