Carrie tells us that some New Yorkers think of Manhattan as a place to kill time between weekends at their homes in the country, as CIM shows Carrie pictures of a run-down cabin in the woods and Carrie fakes interest. CIM tells Carrie she is joining him in the country week, and she tells him that she has a meeting with her editor in town week. He tells her she can take the train into the city for her meeting and then go back out into the country afterwards. Carrie realizes she cant get out of this little trip, and then CIM sings like some yokel, "Pack your bags little lady youre coming to the country with me!" Because we all know that as soon as you leave Manhattan, everyone talks like theyre from Mayberry. Miranda buzzes up to Carries apartment as Carrie tells CIM that she's a city girl, and that because she goes to the late movie in the middle of the week, she is wacky and cant possibly go to the country. Because people that live the country go to bed when the sun goes down, and they dont have movie theaters that show movies past 7:00 p.m. Miranda comes in as CIM and Carrie start swapping spit, making it all too clear once again that Miranda does not have anyone to swap spit with right now, and she looks a little uncomfortable. She tells CIM to tell his "little pal Steve" to call his insurance company, because they cant reach him and he still has her name as the "in case of emergency person." CIM tells Miranda that Steve wants to talk to her, and she thinks that Steve wants to get back together with her since he broke up with Jessica. CIM tells her Steve has testicular cancer, and Miranda feels like a "horrible, selfish bitch" for expecting Steve to want to be with her.
Charlotte is in bed reading and doing pelvic thrust exercises, which arouses Trey when he comes into the bedroom. She tells him she is doing fertility exercises, and he thinks there is a better way to become fertile, and he climbs on top of her. She looks at some watch-looking thing on her wrist and tells him that her basal body temperature tells her that she wont ovulate for another five days, so they have to wait so that he will have strong swimmers when she ovulates. Trey is a little annoyed, and Charlotte whines about trying for three months and not getting pregnant yet and wanting to make sure it works this time, and she asks him to wait until Saturday. Oh, waaahh, three months. Go whine about it at the fertility clinics that have couples that have been trying for years to get pregnant. Trey reminds Charlotte that they have to be in Connecticut for the weekend to go to the orchid show with Bunny. Charlotte then decides that they will have to have sex at his mothers house. Trey is all, "People having sex in Connecticut? Theres a first time for everything." Except that his siblings are all in Connecticut having sex with the hired help, like Charlottes gardener boy-toy last season.
“ Samantha asks Carrie which town she is going to, and she tells them she is going to Suffern. SUFFERN? THE COUNTRY? NOT! Vesuvius, Virginia? Country. Mifflintown, Pennsylvania? Country. Suffern, New York? SUBURB. If you stand on a hill in Suffern, you can see the New York City skyline, for cripes' sake! ”
Miranda and Steve are sitting on a bench having sandwiches, and he tells her that his type of cancer is very trendy now and that everyone, like Lance Armstrong and "that Drew Barrymore guy," get it. Miranda calls it "the TiVo of cancers," and Steve tells her that the surgery is simple; all the doctor has to do is "go in there and snip one out." She asks him if his is in Stage One, since she read up on testicular cancer "on the 'net." Who in the hell still calls the internet "the 'net"? Steve guesses it is Stage One, because the first "stage" is to have the operation. Miranda asks if he's had any ultrasounds or CAT scans done, and he tells her that he "turned [his] head, I coughed, he poked around a little." Miranda wonders what kind of doctor he is, and Steve tells her he got him from his HMO. Miranda then tells him that she talked to some men in her office, and they gave her the name of a specialist to pass along to him. Okay, who would walk around an office, much less a law office, and ask the men about testicular cancer? And what men would go around telling coworkers about their testicular cancer while at work? It might have been more professional to check out a testicular cancer message board on "the 'net" to get the names of some specialists. So anyway, Steve doesnt want Miranda's help and tells her it isnt a big deal, and she explodes, telling him it is a big deal because it's cancer, and the longer he sits around and does nothing, the more the cancer could spread and he could die. Steve gets teary-eyed and looks away.
The girls are having breakfast, and Miranda complains about yelling at Steve and making him cry. Charlotte thinks Miranda's outburst at Steve is understandable, because her mother just died and she has "a lot of pent-up residual anger." Im so glad that someone was able to remember what happened last week. Miranda tells them she was just pissed off at Steve, and Samantha thinks she was right for yelling at him. Carrie thinks Miranda needs a quiet weekend away from the city, and that she needs to go with Carrie to the country. Samantha cant believe that Carrie is actually going, and Carrie tells her that she is being taken against her will, and that she will be a "hick town hostage." Miranda tells her she cant go, because Steve has cancer, and she needs to stay in town to make him feel bad about it. Charlotte tells her that she will be in Connecticut for the weekend, so Carrie tries to get Samantha to go with her, making her pretend they live in Paris and they are going to Provence for the weekend. This baits Samantha into going into a diatribe about men always wanting to know what she is going to do on the weekends, and her monologue is about how she spends her weekends looking for men to fuck so she doesnt have to fuck the men shes already had. Because she hasnt had every STD out there yet, and she wants to try them all. Carrie resigns herself to the fact that she will be in the country alone, and Charlotte corrects her by reminding her that she will be with CIM. Carrie decides that since she loves CIM and CIM loves the country, she might love the country too. This bugs Miranda, who thinks that Carrie has to "pretend to be someone else to be in a relationship," and Carrie tells her that she is compromising. Charlotte agrees with Carrie and tells them that since Trey likes golf, she is going to take golf lessons, and because Trey loves Bunny, she is going to ovulate at the orchid show. Um, she had me there for a minute, but then lost me. Samantha asks Carrie which town she is going to, and she tells them she is going to Suffern. SUFFERN? THE COUNTRY? NOT! Vesuvius, Virginia? Country. Mifflintown, Pennsylvania? Country. Suffern, New York? SUBURB. If you stand on a hill in Suffern, you can see the New York City skyline, for cripes' sake! And it has a downtown with a movie theater that has late shows. There is a microbrewery there! Would a country town have a microbrewery? I think not. Granted, the new Wal-Mart that just opened up in town may attract hicks, but Suffern is about as country as the town I grew up in (about ten miles away from Suffern), which is to say that it totally is not country.
So CIM drives Carrie to the non-country and up to an old cabin that has trees around it. Oh, well, since there are trees, it MUST be the country. My parents house has trees and a lake in the backyard -- they must live in the deep woods. Carrie decided to straighten her hair for the occasion, and to wear a big skirt and high heels. The perfect attire for going to a beat-up cabin in the non-woods with her boyfriend and his dog. You know, Carrie would have found this the perfect excuse to go out and buy a bunch of the camouflage outfits that are all the rage now, and to get some big trendy boots to go along with the clothes. CIM tells her there's a lake a mile away, as she drags her bags up the steps and teeters on her high heels. They get inside, and he tells her that the floor dates back to 1874 but the plumbing is from 1974 and he put in the hot water heater himself. He asks her if she thinks it was as scary as she thought it would be, and she lies that it isnt while she tells us that she thought it was scarier. When he takes her bag to put in the bedroom, she walks into the kitchen and puts on lip gloss and tells us that she would rather be in the city, going to sample sales. She turns around and sees a squirrel on the window ledge and lets out a scream like someone stuffed a knife up her ass. CIM runs over to her, and she tells him about the squirrel. He tells her the squirrel is his, and that he has been feeding it. She tells him that he cant be friends with a squirrel, because a squirrel is a rat with a cuter outfit. Oh, please. Like she hasnt seen a freaking squirrel before. The parks in the city are filled with them, and unlike rats, they prefer nuts and berries over garbage and dont live in dumpsters. Only someone with mental problems would be mortally afraid of a squirrel.
Carrie and CIM are lying in bed, Carrie with the requisite black bra on, and she tells us that they thought of something to do in the non-country to pass the time, but it didnt pass enough time. She looks at the clock, and it is 8:30, and she tells us she had nowhere to go and nothing to do except smack mosquitoes that are biting her. Not so, Carrie! You could go to the movie theater and see a late show, or go have a beer! ["Or read a book. Hello. Who goes on vacation and doesn't pack something to read?" -- Sars]
Sex and the Country
As Carrie sits in front of her laptop, she tells us, "Three hours, two mosquitoes, and one too many vodka Kool-Aids later, I finally found an outlet for my computer, but not for my frustration." Frustration? Oh, please! She should be happy she even has hot water and electricity. My husbands family has a real log cabin (built before the Civil War) in the country, in Rockbridge County, VA, about ten miles from Buena Vista (and thats pronounced Byoona Vista), and to get to the cabin you have to go off a main road and drive through a cow pasture and up a gravel drive. Once you get there, you need to get a pail and go to the spring at the bottom of the hill so you can have water, and if you want to go to the bathroom you need to walk about a hundred yards to the outhouse (that only got a door installed a few years ago), and if you want light you need to make sure that all the lamps have oil in them so the wick doesnt dry out. Fortunately, the wood stove heats up the cabin pretty quickly so in the winter you dont freeze, and in the summer there is a nice breeze since the cabin is located in the Blue Ridge Mountains, but you have to make sure that the screens are on tight or else a gazillion bugs will get you. That, my friends, is the country. Carrie then blathers on about relationships and how people have to compromise, and she asks her computer, "In a relationship, when does the art of compromise become compromising?" When the writers have you do things that you wouldnt really do, like wear heels to a cabin and screech at a squirrel.
Meanwhile, Samantha is in the city having sex while wearing a red lacy bra, and when she finishes up, the guy asks her what she is doing weekend. She gets annoyed and gets out of bed and throws his clothes at him. Oh, what wacky Samantha hijinks! All these crazy people asking her what she is doing on the weekends! Will the comedy ever start?
Carrie tells us that Miranda invited Steve over for Chinese food and Chop Socky, and Miranda sits down with Steve and gives him a beer. Steve thought Miranda didnt like martial arts movies, and she tells him she doesnt, but the guy at the video store told her it was a good movie, so she rented it for Steve. She then offers him the last spring roll and offers to make him some Chinese tea. Steve gets annoyed and starts to put on his shoes to leave and tells Miranda that he doesnt want to be treated like a cancer patient. She tells him that she felt bad about being a bitch the last time they were together, and she wanted to make it up to him. He tells her that she was a bitch, and he thanks her for it, because now he has a good doctor who knows what he's doing and he has his surgery scheduled. He thanks her for being "a huge bitch," and the camera does a close-up of Miranda looking sheepish, then goes back to Steve, whose glasses have suddenly disappeared! Is it so hard for the continuity people to remember to have Steve keep his glasses on?