Carrie is woken up by the crowing of roosters. She looks out one of her windows and sees roosters in cages on the roof of an animal hospital. Oh, the wacky things that happen in the city!
Samantha is being kept awake by a group of three transsexual hookers hanging outside her building. She opens her window and sees one of them yelling about how some guy tried to fuck her or him -- or as my friends in school used to call pre-ops, "shmim" -- up the ass and s/he told the guy, "Get that thing out of my ass or I'm going to shit on it!"
She tells the girls at breakfast about the hookers and asks them if that was the grossest thing they have ever heard. Carrie hopes so, but I'm sure Samantha has said worse. Samantha bugs about spending so much money for her apartment, only to have the trannies -- people with boobs on top and a dick on the bottom -- start up every night at four a.m., like they are doing a show. Miranda calls them "The Up My Ass Players," and everyone, including myself, laughs out loud, except for Charlotte. Poor Charlotte still can't lighten up at the group breakfasts after all this time. Charlotte thinks it is weird to be back eating breakfast with the girls after only three months of marriage. She thinks that it is horrible to be thirty-four and separated. She is tired of talking about Kyle and wants to talk about something else. Miranda suggests having an unpacking party at Charlotte's on Sunday night with no talk of Kyle. Samantha tells them she will bring the cocktails, and Carrie offers to bring the food -- roof chicken. Oh, Carrie, you're so witty; you should be a writer! Or not.
Carrie goes to the vet's office that keeps the roosters on the roof, and speaks to the woman at the desk about their chickens. The woman corrects her and tells her they are roosters, and that they have recently been saved from a cockfight in the Bronx. The woman offers to move them to the basement, but Carrie feels bad that they had such a horrible life and tells her it is okay for them to stay where they are. She takes a business card and leaves.
Miranda is working at a table with her cat sprawled out to her paper work. Miranda calls her cat "Fatty," which is the name my brother gave his cat, and his cat is the same color and size. Coincidence? Who knows! ["My cat (well, the fat one) looks a lot like Miranda's too." -- Sars] Miranda decides to get something to eat and finds nothing in her refrigerator except some funky leftover Chinese food. She calls a Chinese restaurant on speed dial and places an order for take-out. The girl who takes the call asks Miranda for her address. If the order is take-out, why is she asking for an address? You should only need an address if the food is for delivery. Is it different in New York City? When you say "take-out," do you really mean "delivery"? ["No." -- Sars] After Miranda gives her address, she starts to order some items, but the girl taking the order finishes her sentence and tells her that she knows who Miranda is and that that's what she orders every night. She starts to giggle, and Miranda hangs up on her.
Miranda and Carrie are walking down the street, and Miranda is complaining about ordering the same thing every night for dinner and being giggled at by the take-out lady. Carrie tells her to order from a new restaurant, but Miranda likes the food there and doesn't want to change restaurants. Then they see Steve and CIM sitting at a table at an outdoor bar with their dogs sitting to them. Alex from Stroh's serves them beer. The girls freak out at first and hide in a doorway, and then suck it up and walk over to say hello. Steve is happy about seeing them, but CIM looks a little wigged out. CIM has a little goatee going on, which I guess is his attempt at trying to draw attention away from his thinning hairline. He is still wearing awful hippie clothes. Carrie tries to get Pete the dog to hump her leg again, while Miranda marvels at how big Steve's puppy has gotten. Carrie notices that they each have two beers, and then two girls sit down with them. They introduce them to Carrie and Miranda as their girlfriends, and after some awkward small talk, Carrie and Miranda leave. Let's hope that is the very last we see of CIM.
The girls are at Charlotte's unpacking party, and Carrie is being oh so helpful by walking around with books balanced on her head. Carrie bitches that Steve and CIM are over them, and Miranda bitches along. Uh, Steve started dating before he moved out of Miranda's apartment. Why in the world Miranda can't believe that he is over her, I don't understand. Charlotte bitches about how women obsess over what went wrong in relationships, while men just move on. Samantha tells them that as soon as her relationships end, she moves on. I guess it would be easy for her to move on, since her relationships don't last more than two weeks at a time. Carrie tells them that she tries to figure out what went wrong, but she doesn't obsess. Miranda tells her she is "Miss Obsess" when it comes to Big, and Carrie admits that she doesn't know what went on with that relationship. Samantha tells Carrie that she looks back so much that she should have a "relationship rearview mirror." Samantha needs one of those so she can remember the faces of the men she fucks and dismisses. Miranda whines that it is so easy for men to move on and find new women, and that they never obsess over what went wrong. Charlotte whines along that Kyle isn't sitting with his friends obsessing over what went wrong with them, and that she is sick of men and wishes there weren't any to deal with. Hey, I thought they agreed that they weren't going to talk about Kyle that night! No fair -- I was hoping they could shut up about him for more than two minutes since his storyline is so old and boring. Actually, this whole scene is old. For a group of women who claim to be proud to be single (with the exception of Charlotte), they really seem to crumble when they think of the men they used to date having new women in their lives. And how many times are they going to spout off about how men take relationships differently than women? thing you know, they're going to be reading quotes from Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.
Carrie tells us she was thinking about how women feel men disappoint them in relationships. She then has this earth-shattering thought: "What if everything isn't the man's fault?" Like it was Big's fault that you slept with him and cheated on CIM? She types in her laptop, "Is it us?" Yes, Carrie, it is you. Knowing is half the battle. Cock a doodle do, sucks to be you!
Samantha is woken up again by the Up My Ass Players. She goes outside wearing a gold lame rain jacket and tells the "ladies" that she lives just above where they are standing, and that she understands that even businessmen from New Jersey need "a little sumpin' sumpin'," but she has a business meeting early in the morning and doesn't want dark circles under her eyes. The Players offer to move down the street, and then admire the stilettos that Samantha is wearing. Carrie tells us that Samantha always had a way with men, even when they were half woman. That Samantha, so good with people -- she should work in PR or something.
Carrie is sleeping with her eye mask on and the phone rings. It is Big. More talk about the chickens/roosters on the roof. Big asks for her opinion about painting the walls in his bedroom red. Like he should be getting style advice from Carrie? He's better off asking a pre-schooler. Big tells her that his marriage is over, and she tells him he knows. He asks her to go to lunch with him at the Boathouse Restaurant in Central Park on Saturday so they can talk. Like the glutton for punishment she is, Carrie agrees.
Carrie and Miranda go shopping at a thrift store later that day. Miranda asks her to go to an exhibit on Saturday, and Carrie tells her that can't because she's meeting Big for lunch. Miranda tells Carrie that she isn't going to hold her hand again, and that what she is doing is a huge mistake. She starts yelling at Carrie that every time she is with Big, she turns into a "pathetic, needy, insecure victim," and that she is willing to come back for more every time. Carrie resents being called that, and Miranda tells her that if she gets back together with Big, she shouldn't call Miranda and cry about it because she doesn't want to hear about it anymore. Carrie accuses her of threatening to cut her out of her life like she did with Steve, and tells her that she is judgmental and writes people off too easily. Miranda gets pissed off and leaves. It is about time these two told each other what's what! It would have been an even better fight if they started slapping each other upside the head, because they both need to get some sense smacked into them.
Carrie goes home and tells us she was expecting a message from Miranda with her apologizing, but there wasn't any. She thinks about calling Miranda, but she doesn't know what to say. Meanwhile, Miranda is at her place calling the Chinese restaurant. The giggly girl answers, and as soon as she gets Miranda's address she rattles off the food that Miranda always orders and giggles some more. Miranda tells her she really doesn't want the food, and the girl giggles, "Okay, bye-bye!"
Miranda decides to go to the restaurant to confront giggly girl, and sees her on the phone, giggling the whole time, and she realizes that giggly girl wasn't making fun of her. She notices that Steve is sitting at a table eating, and Miranda comes over. Steve invites her to eat with him. She tells him about the big fight she had with Carrie and asks Steve how judgmental she was, and asks if she threw him away. Steve tells her she is judgmental, but she didn't throw him away, and only the two of them know the real reason they broke up. She asks about his new girlfriend. When the waitress comes over, she decides to order something different from what she usually orders.
Samantha is having sex with some anonymous guy, and the Up My Ass Players are at it again outside. All Samantha can think of are the Players, and the guy just wants to have an orgasm. She pushes the guy off of her, gets out of bed, and yells at the Players to keep it down, and then she yells about paying $7000 a month for her place and she doesn't have to put up with that shit. Seven thousand dollars a month? Seven thousand dollars?! If I spent that much a month, I would have the mortgage on my house paid in less than a year. I need to get a job in PR. Samantha then gets a bucket of water and throws it on them. The police arrive and tell the Players to move along, and Samantha's date decides to do the same as he gets dressed, tells Samantha she freaks him out, and leaves.
Charlotte is sitting at home late at night reading a book by the Dalai Lama, and Kyle knocks on her door. He tells her that since she left he can't stop thinking about her, and then he jumps her bones and they start going at it like animals.
Carrie tells us she was still awake because she obsessing about her relationships with men and women. The roosters start crowing again, so she calls the vet and leaves a message for them to move the roosters inside.
Charlotte and Kyle are sitting in the hallway of her apartment, talking about how he lost his attraction for her once they got engaged. Charlotte asks him if he really wanted to marry her, and he tells her he thought it was time to get married, and that he thought she was the most wonderful person to marry. End of scene. So, have they broken up? Are they going to try to get back together? What is the story, people! I swear, the writers better think of a good way to explain their relationship on season's premiere, or heads will roll. Oh yes, heads will roll.
Samantha wakes up to the sound of something being thrown at her window. She gets up and sees one of the Players throwing eggs at her window. Like the smart person she is (not), she opens the window and promptly gets hit in the face with an egg. Carrie tells us, "Samantha realized this was one relationship with a man she wouldn't be able to just walk away from, because this man…was half woman." Wah, wah, wah, waaaaaah!
Carrie calls Miranda from a payphone outside the restaurant and asks her if she really is pathetic. Miranda apologizes, and tells her she isn't pathetic. Nice to take back everything you really mean. Where is your spine, Miranda? Carrie tells her that it's just something she has to do, and Miranda's spine shrinks some more and she tells Carrie that she doesn't know anything about her and Big, and that if she thinks it is right she should do it. Carrie then asks her if it is the wrong thing can she still call Miranda and cry, and Miranda totally loses any bit of spine she has left and becomes a doormat and offers to have Carrie walk all over her whenever she feels like it. Miranda then tells her not to let Big kiss her, because that seems to be the start of all her problems. Carrie thanks her for the advice and goes to the restaurant. She sees Big at the dock and goes over to him. He tries to give her a hello kiss, and she screams and falls into the duck pond and pulls Big in with her. They start to laugh. Oh, the high-larity! SJP "does comedy" about as well as Tori Spelling.
Big is sitting on his bed, in his newly red-painted bedroom, wearing a big terrycloth robe, as Carrie walks out of his bathroom in a matching robe. She tells him she got the smell of pond out of herself, and then asks how many terrycloth robes he owns. They share some small talk about the red wall, and then Big asks her if what happened between them was all his fault. She tells him it wasn't, and he asks her what they were thinking, and she has no idea. They stare at each other and smile, and have some more small talk about how their lives are. She tells him she has to go because the two of them are like the red wall; it's a good idea in theory, but somehow it doesn't work. Carrie tells us they became something else, but she didn't know what it was. Oh, I'm taking a shot in the dark here…maybe they became friends? I'm really hope so, so that Big can make an appearance or four season, and they'll turn him into a Stanford-like character that we all want more of but never get enough of.
Carrie comes home, and she is wearing one of Big's button-down shirts with a belt cinched around her waist. It is awful, but not as bad as half the outfits she wore this season. She checks her answering machine, and Miranda has left a message asking her how her lunch went. She looks out her window, and the roof chickens are gone.
Funky music starts, and we cut to a scene where Samantha is dressed up like Mary Ann from Gilligan's Island and grilling wieners on the roof of her apartment. Carrie tells us that Samantha decided to throw a "kiss and make up party" for the Up My Ass Players. Charlotte tells the girls that Kyle has been calling her every day and she doesn't know what to do about it. Charlotte decides not to obsess anymore, and then Carrie starts talking street-wise to the Players. Instead of the Players smacking her ass down for trying to act sassy like them, they ask her to twirl around and show off her outfit and body. Then they tell her to eat something and gain some weight. Ha! What a great way to end the show! The Fab Four laugh and squeal, and the camera pans up to show the skyline of the city.
And thus endeth the third season of Sex and the City. I would like to thank Owen for helping me with the recaps this past year, and I would especially like to thank everyone who reads the recaps and participates on the forums. You have made the past four and a half months a pleasure, and I can't wait to hear from y'all season!