So the show starts off with Carrie looking out window into the rain and smoking. She tells us that after breaking up with Big and CIM, she decided it was time for a change of scenery.
Cut to the girls at breakfast and Charlotte telling them that she can't believe that they're all going to L.A. without her. Miranda tells her she can't believe she went on her honeymoon without them. I'm sure it would have been more entertaining with the girls along. Charlotte whips out pictures from her honeymoon, and Carrie tells us that Charlotte and Kyle spent ten days in Bermuda. Charlotte shows them a picture of them playing golf, and Samantha totally non-sequiturs about wanting the studio to have a limo pick them up because they are making a movie out of Carrie's column. Carrie tells her it is a small production company that only wants to talk about making the movie, and Samantha tells her she's just working on her L.A. spin. Whatever. Charlotte doesn't seem to really care and shows the girls more golf pictures. Miranda is so enthralled by the pictures that she just has to leave to take her cat to the kennel, and Samantha leaves to get her stuff ready; Carrie reminds them that their car to the airport will be at her place at one. Carrie and Charlotte are left alone, and they both ask each other how the other is doing. Carrie tells Charlotte that she told CIM about the affair and he broke up with her, and Charlotte tells Carrie that she and Kyle never had sex during their honeymoon. Carrie tells Charlotte that she wins. Charlotte tells her that they tried twice, but he couldn't get it up and got so frustrated, so they just played golf. I think they have it backwards -- usually the guy plays so much golf that the woman gets frustrated and won't put out. Charlotte wonders if he is impotent, and thinks he can't be because he is so gorgeous. Charlotte, haven't you seen those Viagra commercials? All those good-looking men are the faces of penile dysfunction! Charlotte wants to change the subject, so she asks what happened between Carrie and CIM. Carrie tells her nothing good, and the reason why she's going to L.A. is to get away from CIM and Big and the whole mess. Carrie asks her to go with her to Barney's to get a new pair of shoes for her trip, but Charlotte wants to stay and have another cup of coffee and tells Carrie to go without her. Carrie gives her a hug and leaves.
Carrie tells us that later that day, three New Yorkers arrived in L.A. Thank you, master of the obvious, because if you didn't tell me that, I would have been wondering for the rest of the episode why New York looked so different. They check into their hotel, but there's a problem with their reservations. They don't have a room for Miranda, and hotel is all booked up. They will have another room in a day or two, so until then Miranda needs to room with either Carrie or Samantha. She chooses to room with Carrie, and Carrie tells her not to complain about her smoking. The hotel guy tells her that the room she is staying in is on a no-smoking floor, and since all the rooms are booked she can't change to a different floor. Carrie is not happy.
Carrie then tells us that later that night they got all dressed up and were ready to party. The three of them strut outside and stand in front of the doors as Carrie lights up a cigarette, takes two drags, and puts it out, and they strut back into wherever they just walked out of. Oh, those wacky California laws prohibiting Carrie from smoking inside! Gee, I wonder if this is going to be an ongoing gag during her time in L.A.? At the bar, Samantha meets Garth, a dildo model. He tells her he is the number two model in the United States, number one in Canada. Samantha is all, "Gotta love that metric system!" Apparently, Canadians like their dildos, and they really like Garth. His pager goes off, and he tells her he has to leave. She asks if he has a dildo emergency, and he gives her an invite to the promotional party at the Hustler store to promote his newest dildo model. Samantha is intrigued. Meanwhile, Miranda is having witty small talk with a cute guy who thinks it is so great to talk to a smart and funny woman, but then he notices some model/wannabe-actress in a tight dress slink across the floor, and the guy totally bails on Miranda. Sucks to be you, Miranda! Carrie tells us that she was having a conversation with "one of the most ambitious and feared creatures in all of Los Angeles: the junior development executive." Sarah Michelle Gellar is talking to Carrie about how she loves her column because she can relate, or at least she thinks she will relate when she turns thirty. Ouch! SMG sees someone out of camera range and starts smiling and pointing at the person and yelling, "You! You are such a loser! You're a loser! You are, loser! I'm kidding!" Then she turns to Carrie and says, "Loser. Last year, pitched me nothing but shit, twenty-four-seven." Carrie seems to be swimming with sharks. Or is she going to jump the shark? SMG goes back to talking about how she and other girls are just like Carrie because they have all had their hearts broken, and tells her that the opening of her movie will be big. She then tells Carrie that she loves her shoes, and says that she has a big star interested in the movie and makes Carrie try to guess who it is. Carrie can't guess, and SMG keeps making her guess; she finally tells Carrie it's Matthew McConaughey. Carrie asks why he would be interested, and SMG tells her that MM is smart and wants to produce the film. She is going to meet him tomorrow at three.
Carrie tells us that back in New York, Charlotte was dealing with a cold bed. Charlotte tries to get Kyle to bed, but he is doing a spreadsheet on who gave them which wedding gifts. She starts kissing him and tries to climb onto his lap, and she hits the keyboard and erases something. Kyle keeps working on the spreadsheet, and Charlotte tells him they have a problem. He agrees, and tells her that they got two serving platters and they only registered for one. Carrie tells us Charlotte wishes she'd registered for a sex life. I wish they'd registered for a more interesting storyline.
Carrie and the girls are in an old Mustang, and Carrie cannot drive stick and keeps grinding the gears and killing the engine while trying to drive up a hill. Oh, the comedy! City girls trying to drive! I wonder if that will be an ongoing joke too? Samantha jumps out of the car for fear of her life, and they finally get the car going. Later on, Carrie drives to the studio to meet with MM, lurching her way into the studio lot in the Mustang. MM tells her that he loves her writing. He has a toothpick in his mouth and is standing in front of her with his one foot on the coffee table and leaning towards her, and he's generally acting really creepy. He tells her he wants to flesh out the central relationship in her column for the movie -- Carrie and Mr. Big. He says he doesn't know anyone cooler than Mr. Big, and he is right. He asks, "What the fuck is Carrie's problem?" Carrie hems and haws and tells him that Big had commitment problems. MM is all, "That's BULLSHIT Carrie and you know it!" Carrie looks scared, and then MM starts laughing and tells her he was just acting, because that's what he does, and he wants to develop the movie with her because he is "Mr. Big." He tells her he wants to fuck her, and she asks uncomfortably if he's still acting. He tells her he is "Mr. Big" and he wants her to be "Carrie." She tells him she is Carrie, and then she gets all flustered and says that she was told they were just going to talk about her column today. MM wants to talk about why Big and Carrie are all fucked up, and Carrie tells him she has a facial at four. Carrie, no matter how many times you have yourself scrubbed, you will never be able to get Big out from under your skin! MM is all, "I love you, I don't understand why we can't be together!" Carrie asks if she can have a smoke, and MM thinks that "Carrie" shouldn't be a smoker, and that she shouldn't smoke in his office. MM is a total freak in this scene and I almost lose my crush on him. Instead, I just rewind the scene and close my eyes and listen to his dreamy Texan accent. Ah, back to crushing on him. ["Even with that scary blow-dried poof he had going on? Oh well, to each her own." -- Sars]
Carrie is walking around the Warner Brothers set, and she tells us that after taking a wrong turn, she ended up back where she came from. Huh? Oh, I see! She ends up on a set that looks like New York, and she tells us that she went back to thinking about Big and all her issues seemed to come back. She sits on a fake stoop and starts to smoke and wonders if there's any way to escape her problems, and a security guard comes along and tells her she cannot smoke there. Oh, those pesky California smoking laws!
The girls are at the party celebrating the arrival of Garth's new dildo model, and Samantha is all excited. Miranda and Carrie are not enjoying themselves, and Carrie tells Samantha that they want to go home. Samantha points to a cake with a big sugary penis on top and yells out, "What? We can't leave yet. Look, they haven't even cut the cock!" Miranda is all, "What are the chances it's cream-filled?" Go Miranda! And I just have to say, I really hate the way Samantha says the word "cock." It seems like she tries too hard when she says it, like, "Look at me! I'm saying a slang word for 'penis'!" So anyway, Carrie tells her she is exhausted, and Samantha asks them to stay a little while longer because Garth is going to autograph his dildos since he's a big seller. Miranda is all, "He's the John Grisham of penises." Samantha goes to get in line. Miranda and Carrie talk about how sex is so out in the open in L.A. Why Carrie is concerned with this, I don't know, because, oh I don't know, she writes about sex for a living and is going to have a movie made about her sex life? Miranda starts yammering about how her sexuality is so hidden, and how she wants to get laid but the guys in L.A. don't go for her. She points to a woman in a skintight little gold dress and tells Carrie she wants to look like that woman. Carrie thinks the woman looks like a hooker and starts giggling. Carrie has regressed back to age eight. The woman looks at them and says hello, and Miranda tells her she was admiring her dress. She then asks the woman if she is in the porn industry, and the woman tells her that she's actually a lawyer for Disney. Miranda and Carrie look stunned and walk away. Samantha gets to the front of the line with her box with the dildo in it; when she takes the dildo out, her eyes bug. Okay, the dildo looks like this dildo that my friend Max ordered from the Adam and Eve catalog when we were sophomores in college. Somehow he got put on some porno mailing list and got some deal that if he spent $35 on toys from the Adam and Eve catalog, he could get free videotapes, so he ordered King Dong for $39.99. It was this huge latex rubber dildo that was so big that we played Dong Ball with it -- it was like baseball, but with a tennis ball and using King Dong as the bat. So Samantha tells Garth where she is staying, and he tells her he will personally deliver the dildo to her place.
Carrie tells us, "That night, Samantha took home the deluxe Garth," as Samantha is howling and the headboard of her bed is banging against the wall. Carrie is on the other side of the wall, wearing an eye mask with CB in rhinestones on it, trying to sleep while the banging and wailing is going on on one side, and Miranda's snoring to her.
The girls are having breakfast, and Samantha tells them the California air has helped her sleep so well. Miranda agrees, and Carrie tells her it isn't the air, it was her headboard that knocked her unconscious. Miranda says she didn't hear it, and Carrie tells her she wouldn't over all her snoring. Sleepy Carrie tells them she is cranky because she has another meeting with MM and his people to brainstorm about what is wrong with "Carrie" (as she uses her fingers to make quotes) and all her relationships. Miranda tells her not to go to the meeting at all, but Carrie thinks she has to, since they flew her out to L.A.. Hey, Carrie, just because someone spends money on you, it doesn't mean you have to put out! To make her feel better, Samantha gives her and Miranda autographed dildos. Miranda is all, "My friend went to California, and all I got was this lousy dildo!" Miranda takes it out of the box and thinks it is too big. She tells them that the average woman is only five inches deep, and then says that girth is more important. Word, Miranda. Samantha tells her she won't be disappointed, and Carrie is all, "So you're saying Garth…has the perfect girth?" Oh, that Carrie! What a way with words! Carrie gives the dildo back to Samantha, but Miranda decides to keep hers because she doesn't think she is going to get any real dick in L.A.
Charlotte is in New York sending out thank-you notes, and Carrie tells us that Charlotte thinks she is a fraud every time she licks a "Love" stamp because she hasn't had sex yet with Kyle. Charlotte calls Carrie as Carrie is sitting on her balcony, and tells her that it has been days and they still haven't had sex, and she thinks that Kyle may be impotent. Carrie asks her what kind of impotence she thinks it is, and Charlotte is all, "The kind that makes it soft?" Ba dum dum! Charlotte will be here all week, ladies and gentlemen! Carrie asks her if she thinks if it is physical or emotional. Charlotte doesn't know because Kyle doesn't like to talk about it, so Carrie tells her to put a ring of paper around Kyle's flaccid penis while he is asleep, and if it rips during the night, it means he can get an erection and his problem is emotional. While she is talking to Charlotte, she lights up a cigarette, and someone yells from outside, "This floor is no smoking!" Carrie yells out, "I have an addiction, sir!" Only that excuse would work in L.A. Charlotte looks at her roll of Love stamps and gets an idea.
Carrie tells us, "Later that night, Samantha took Mr. Dildo out for dim sum and then some." That line is so old I heard it from my great uncle, and he got it from his great uncle. They are in her hotel room, and Samantha wants to get it on, but Garth wants to know more about her, and he tells her that he is a poet and has been published, and asks if she wants to hear a poem. Carrie tells us that Garth wanted Samantha to know he had a soft side.
Carrie also tells us that Charlotte was dealing with Kyle's soft side as well, and "she came to bed, armed with Love." Charlotte takes the Love stamps and makes a ring out of them and puts it around Kyle's limp penis while he is sleeping. Like that wouldn't wake him up. Carrie then tells us, "She went to sleep hoping her male had sufficient postage to deliver into her box."
"Back at the hotel, Samantha was waiting for a delivery of her own." Garth is reciting poetry, and then he tells a bored Samantha that he wants to move to New York so he can pursue poetry and porn and they can keep seeing each other. Carrie tells us that having a fling is one thing, but to introduce Mr. Dildo to Samantha's friends and colleagues in New York was another. Samantha tells Garth that it would never work out, because she is "much too possessive to share his penis with the world." Carrie tells us that Samantha escaped a life as Mrs. Dildo but took home the best part of him, as we see Samantha reach for her autographed dildo.
Carrie is sitting outside by the pool smoking, and she tells us that she finally realized she hadn't moved on from Big and CIM, that she had just moved. Damn, that girl really is master of the obvious! A man comes up to her and she puts out her cigarette, but he tells her he just wanted to ask her for a cigarette. She has no more, so he asks her if she wants any company, and she tells him she would like to be alone. She tells us that when she said that, she realized that was what she really needed.
Charlotte wakes up the morning and sees that her ring of Love is broken, so she wakes up Kyle with kisses and tells him she loves him. Carrie tells us that for the first time in weeks, Charlotte was relieved because Kyle's problem wasn't physical, but then she realized Kyle's problem might be emotional and it wouldn't be easy to fix. It can be fixed with a quickie divorce in Las Vegas and a million-dollar pre-nup payout!
The girls are at a country bar with a mechanical bull. Carrie is all, "I am totally digging this scene. It's so Urban Cowboy circa 1982." Just like Carrie's clothes! Miranda is wearing a button-down shirt almost buttoned to her neck, and she sees a woman in a halter top riding the bull and whines that all the woman look so sexual and wants to look more like that. Samantha hears what I'm yelling at the television and tells Miranda to stop complaining and do something about it. Miranda decides to ride the mechanical bull, and Carrie tells us, "We weren't sure if it was the California climate or the five Lone Star beers she drank, but as soon as she got on that bull, Miranda escaped…Miranda," and as Miranda is flailing around on the bull, she rips open her shirt. ["The Maidenform woman: you never know where she'll turn up." -- owen] Hooting and hollering ensues.
Carrie drives up to the studio but stops before going in. She tells us that she could go into the studio and have someone else tell her the mistakes she has made, or she could go and figure them out herself. Or she can read our recaps and forum discussions. She drives off and tells us, "If I could master a stick shift, could a successful relationship be that far behind?" Considering that you still can't get the car out of first gear with big problems, I'm sure a successful relationship will be far, far away.
week, Charlotte leaves Kyle to be with the girls in L.A., and Carrie gets it on with Vince Vaughn! Woo hoo!