So the show begins with the homeless ballerina spinning around until a bus splashes dirty water on her, and then we fade to Charlotte and a date standing outside her apartment building, finishing up a first date. The man leans in for a kiss, and all of a sudden he starts licking around her mouth and nose and Charlotte is all disgusted. What I want to know is how many takes that took to film, because it certainly looked like it would not be fun to perform over and over and over. Sometimes HBO really makes the actresses earn their salary. ["Not to mention the actor, who had to slurp pancake make-up take after take." -- Sars]
But not Sarah Jessica Parker. The girls are at a restaurant and Charlotte is telling them about her date's "kiss" and the girls are all squealing, "Eeeeewwwww!" Then, in what looks like a first read-through for the actresses that ended up getting printed, they start to talk about how bad kissers are the worst. Miranda mentions the "stabby little pointy tongue," and Samantha talks about the lazy man with the "clam mouth" who expects the women to do all the work while kissing, and the whole time SJP is sitting there yelling, "Oh, that's the WORST!" like she forgot the real lines she was supposed to say. Samantha tells Charlotte to dump the guy, but Charlotte thinks that dumping someone for being a bad kisser isn't right, so Samantha suggests she change her man's name "from Brad -- to Bad!" Wow, that Samantha has such a way with words! As the girls are all laughing at themselves, the restaurant's chef yells at them to keep it down. As Carrie's VO tells us, Adeena worked with Carrie at the paper as the food editor and now owns Fusion, which serves a sort of Martha Stewart-meets-Puff Daddy type of food. She asks the girls how they liked their meals, and of course they tell her it was the best food they ever ate. Adeena's brother comes over and she introduces him to everyone. Samantha becomes instantly smitten, and the feeling is mutual. He tells Samantha that he remembers seeing her at the Columbia Records party for Jennifer Lopez, and she tells him her PR firm worked the party. So, basically, since she is her PR firm, she worked the party, right? He tells her his name is Chivon Williams, and she gives him her business card. He reads it, and it says, "Samantha Jones. Easy Lay." And it has her work number, cell phone number, and number of drinks it takes to get her drunk on it. Chivon walks off to talk to the bartender, and the girls start talking about how cute he is and how much nice jewelry he had on, and Samantha is all, "I'd like get me some of that!" and Charlotte whines about how Samantha shouldn't talk like that, and Samantha is all, "That wasn't black talk, that was sex talk!" Like Samantha could talk about anything other than sex? Charlotte informs Samantha that "it's African-American talk" and that she was being rude and politically incorrect. Carrie reminds Charlotte that Samantha is rude and politically incorrect. Samantha announces, "I don't see color, I see conquests!" and Carrie, the bad actor, blurts out, "Talk about affirmative action!" No, talk about seeing an acting coach, okay?
Carrie is at home the morning drinking some coffee and reading a magazine when Stanford comes over and tells her about the New York Times Style section, where there is a story about a beautiful guy who makes beautiful furniture, and he asks her to go with him to the furniture store. She doesn't want to go, but he convinces her by showing her a picture of the furniture guy and telling her he is straight.
So Stanford and Carrie are walking around the furniture store, and Carrie is wearing another Helen Keller Original brightly mismatched colored patchwork coat that has its own porno music that plays in the background when worn. Somewhere back in the 1970s, a pimp is wondering who the fuck stole his best coat to escort the ladies with. ["I told Nicole on the Not! Line that I thought Carrie's coat was born back in the 1970s when one of Maude's long vests mated with the Partridge Family bus." - owen] Stanford tells Carrie that if she sees a piece of furniture that she is interested in, she should say she is a designer so she gets a discount. They see the furniture guy, and it's Chris in the Morning from Northern Exposure. Carrie VOs that "his name was Aiden Shaw. He was warm, masculine, and classic American. Just like his furniture." Yeah, if by "warm, masculine, and classic American" she means "not dead, doesn't look like a woman, and looks like he hasn't left the early 1990s Seattle grunge scene," then she has his description dead on. ["There's also a prominent gay porn star named Aiden Shaw. Don't ask me how I know that. Or if or how Darren Star knows that." - owen] CIM is playing with his pet dog while Carrie and Stanford gawk at him, and Stanford tells Carrie to go for him since they would be perfect together. And if by "perfect together" he means "like oil and water," he has described their future relationship to a T. They turn away so CIM doesn't notice them staring, and Stanford notices a man talking on his cell phone. Carrie tells us, "His name was Marty Mendelson. He was warm, stylish, and classically gay. Just like his outfit." Marty waves at Stanford, and Carrie tells him to go get him. Who would have thought you could get a date so easily in a furniture store? So the dog runs over to Carrie and starts humping her leg, and CIM runs over and yanks the dog off Carrie's leg and throws him across the room. Hey, if I were that dog, I would have taken one look at her and gotten confused too. With the wacky pattern on her coat and that frizzy hair of hers, I'm not surprised if the dog thought she was a huge stuffed animal someone wins at a carnival that no one knows what to do with the day and just gives to their dog to chew on and hump.
So CIM apologizes to Carrie about his dog and tells her his dog only picks out the best-looking ladies. And I now quote the girls from the earlier scene when I yell out EEEEEEEWWWWWWW! Who lets their dog run around their place of business and hump potential customers?! So then he introduces himself and tells her he shouldn't let his dog loose in the store. Instead of telling CIM he needs to learn how to control his dog and business practices, Carrie plays dumb and tells him she didn't know it was his store. Her VO tells us, "As soon as I heard the lie come out of my mouth, I knew I was kind of interested." Eeeeeeeewwww! They look at a leather chair, and CIM tells her he got the leather from a hundred-year-old train seat, and then he has her feel the leather, with his hand over hers. She blurts out that she'll take the chair, and her VO tells us, "I wasn't in the market for a big leather chair, but suddenly I had to have whatever it was I just felt." Eeeeeeeewwww! She looks at the price tag, and it says $3,500.00 She then tells him she is a designer, and he writes down a new price that includes a designer discount and a discount for the dog-humping incident, and he shows the piece of paper to Carrie, and I can't see what the number is. She asks him when she can get it delivered, and he tells her he can get it to her by the end of the week. She VOs that "the end of the week" means he likes her too, in New York retail language. Um, yeah, whatever. Ew. He then tells her he has two questions for her: "Where do you want it delivered, and can I take you out to dinner sometime?"
Miranda comes home, and Steve is jumping around bouncing a basketball and he tells her that he was picked to throw a half-court shot at a Knicks game for a million dollar prize, and Miranda just looks at him and tells him not to get his hopes up. Steve wants her to go with him to the playground and watch him shoot, but she tells him she has things to do and will join him week.
Miranda and Carrie are sitting outside a bakery eating pink cupcakes. I would like to know how many takes this took also, because it just goes to show you that SJP is totally favored over all the other actresses because she doesn't have to show boobs or get her nose licked. Carrie tells Miranda that she has a crush, and she bought a chair she couldn't afford because her crush made it. Miranda tells her that since he asked her out, the chair is a write-off. So is the dress she bought to impress Mrs. Big that cost her a month's rent a write-off too, since she eventually felt better about herself after wearing the dress? Can you use these write-offs like a tax write-off? I'm just wondering how Carrie manages to live, considering that she spends about a hundred times more than what she makes on clothes, shoes, and furniture. Miranda tells her that she hasn't had a crush since Shaun Cassidy. Miranda would have been SO jealous of my Shaun Cassidy iron-on sweatshirt and Hardy Boys bell-bottom jeans! Miranda then tells Carrie about Steve and the half-court shot, and tells her she thinks it is a silly dream and she can't support him with it. Carrie asks her if couples are supposed to support each other's silly dreams, and Miranda looks a little guilty.
Samantha is out with Chivon at a club, and Samantha is wearing gold jeans and jean jacket, and some sort of tube bra thing. How urban. Carrie tells us that "within a matter of minutes, Samantha felt perfectly at home in Chivon's world," and within a matter of hours Chivon was perfectly at home in Samantha's house. The two of them are in her bed, listening to rap music and snuggling. She invites him to sleep over, and they start going at it again. Before they really get into it, Samantha puts another notch in her bedpost.
Carrie and CIM are sitting on the stairs of her apartment building talking, and he tells her that his dog is obsessed with her. Eeeeeewwww! She is not fazed by this in the least, and for some reason she feels this is the time to come clean and tell him that she really isn't a designer, that she is a writer and she wanted a discount on the chair. She takes out a cigarette and lights up, and CIM is all, "You smoke?" like he couldn't smell the stale smoke all over her clothes and hair the moment he stood to her in the furniture store? She tells him "just a little." And then VOs, "The moment I heard the lie come out of my mouth I realized just how much I kind of liked him." Yeah, because lies are the backbone of a healthy relationship. Not. So she throws away the cigarette and tells him she had a great time. He kisses her and then pulls away, tells her that he can taste the cigarette, and says in a monotone voice, "I don't want to be a jerk, but I can't date a smoker." ["I'm loving that this anti-smoking tirade is coming from a guy who looks and acts like his every other breath is filtered through bongwater." - owen] Carrie looks hurt and VOs that she was crushed by her crush. That's why they're called crushes, Carrie. All this time talking and writing about sex, and she never learned about simple crushes?
Carrie is back in her apartment now, alone, smoking and typing on her laptop and wondering in her VO when dating became so dump-friendly, and when bad kisses, smoking, or silly dreams were no longer just part of the way a person is. Her computer screen asks us, "In relationships, what are the deal breakers?"
Charlotte and "Bad" are outside her apartment again, and she tells him to kiss her lightly on her lips and he does, and she enjoys it. She asks him to kiss her with a little tongue, and he starts licking her all around her lips and nose, and starts sucking her chin. She tells him to stop and tells him he is a bad kisser. He looks surprised and is all, "Come on, it's my thing!" Thing? What in the hell is a thing? When has chin munching become a turn-on? Charlotte walks off in disgust, and I'm still wondering what "Bad" is talking about when he said bad kissing was his "thing."
Stanford and Marty are macking in Marty's apartment. Go Stanford! Get some! They go to Marty's bedroom, and when the light is turned on Stanford sees a large collection of dolls sitting on the bed. Marty tells him he has been collecting dolls for years, and then shows him his Queen of Siam doll and his Mary Queen of Scots doll. Stanford looks a little scared by all the dolls, and rightfully so. People who collect porcelain face dolls aren't exactly the most stable people, in my experience. So they start to clear the dozens of dolls off the bed, and Marty tells Stanford where each doll sits in his room, and Carrie tells us, "Stanford wondered if he was enough of a queen to make love to a queen who collected queens." Yeah, we didn't see that "queen" line coming a mile away.
Back at Fusion, Samantha and Chivon are finishing dinner and Adeena comes over to say hello, and tells him that Aunt Alice is about to leave, so he'd better go over and say goodbye. Is that "African-American talk" for "I've got my Aunt Flo visiting so you better walk away before I make life difficult for you"? After Chivon walks away, Adeena sits down and asks Samantha what the deal is with her and her brother. Samantha tells her they are dating, and Adeena tells her she doesn't want her brother dating a white woman and she will never approve, and her approval means a lot to her brother. Adeena tells her to make it easy on everyone and leave Chivon.
The girls are at another restaurant and they all have mugs of coffee, except for Charlotte, who looks like she has a glass of chocolate milk. Carrie has busted out the big-ass flower, and this time it's a big black flower -- symbolism? Who cares -- I just want to rip that flower off her shoulder and flush it down a toilet, it is so ugly! Samantha is bitching about Adeena being racist and yells out, "She can't dis me just because I'm white!" Carrie and I say, "Please tell me you didn't say 'dis'!" Samantha tells them her relationship with Chivon has nothing to do with race, they have good sex and he has a big -- and before she can finish her sentence, Charlotte blurts out, "Black cock! We know, he has a big black cock!" and you can see that Charlotte has a hickey on her chin, which makes it even funnier to see her yell out "black cock!" Samantha tells her she was going to say "heart," but he does have a big black cock. Miranda chimes in with, "That's 'African-American cock.' Right, Charlotte?" Zing! Charlotte whines, "Don't make fun of me, my chin hurts!" and then she tells them about how her face was raped by "Bad," and Carrie VOs, "To Charlotte York, a black-and-blue chin was a deal breaker." And it would be a deal maker to whom…? Samantha tells them she isn't going to back down, and Carrie tells them about how she isn't giving up smoking for CIM. Charlotte and Miranda tell her she should give up smoking anyway and he is a good reason to quit, and Carrie looks to Samantha for support. Samantha tells her, "Fighting a battle for Chivon is one thing, but holding onto those nasty cigarettes, well, that's just wack." Miranda and I look scared and say, "Please tell me she didn't just say 'wack.'"
Stanford and Carrie are at her apartment, smoking up a storm and drinking martinis. He tells her about the freaky doll collection Marty has and how he can't deal with it, and Carrie is all, "So, it's Goodbye, Dolly?" Carrie gets all the saucy lines! Carrie then decides to give up smoking and convinces Stanford to give Marty another chance.
Steve and Miranda are in her apartment, and Steve asks her to watch him play hoops, and she tells him she has work and can't make it. Steve gets really pissed and uses the F word a lot and basically tells her that she never makes time for him and he doesn't like that she isn't supportive of him, and then he leaves. Miranda decides to join him at the basketball court and cheers him on as he tries to shoot from half-court. Carrie tells us, "Steve never did win the money at Madison Square Garden, but having Miranda show up for him that day made him feel like a million bucks." Awwwww, what a cute couple! I'll bet you a dollar Miranda screws it up by the end of the season.
Carrie walks into the furniture store, wearing a big-ass purple flower, and shudders in fear as the dog runs towards her with a big hard-on and a glimmer in his eye. CIM punts the dog into the room and walks over to Carrie, and she tells him that she has decided to quit smoking. He asks her to go get some coffee with him, and she VOs, "The moment he mentioned coffee, I kind of wanted a cigarette." Considering she smokes about five packs a day, the moment you mention anything that does or doesn't have the word "smoke" in it, Carrie would probably kind of want a cigarette. Carrie's VO also tells us that the coffee turned into a movie, which turned into a long walk, which turned into a cigarette craving. She says she was "ready to trade in the crush when it dawned on me how much I was willing to give up for a cigarette." Yeah, a bad-hair having, non-trendy-clothes wearing, non-personality poor excuse for a love interest. They decide to go to dinner, because there is nothing that will curb your craving for cigarettes like sitting near the smoking section of a restaurant.
Carrie tells us, "Meanwhile, back in the Valley of the Dolls, Stanford decided there was something more rare than a porcelain French face -- his passion." As Marty is carefully taking the dolls off his bed, Stanford jumps him, and they start rolling around on the bed going at it, until Stanford kicks a doll off the bed and accidentally breaks its face. ["I was so very pleased to see Stanford getting some, if even briefly from a doll freak." - owen] Apparently, breaking doll faces is Marty's deal breaker. At least Stanford got out of dealing with the freaky dolls.
Adeena meets up with Samantha and Chivon at a club and tells Samantha to leave her brother alone, and then makes a snide comment about Samantha's Jennifer-Lopez-wannabe sparkly spandex dress with slits to her waist and matching sparkly spandex underwear. Adeena tells Samantha she doesn't belong with them because it is a black thing. Fighting words are spoken -- something about white pussy, black asses, Adeena's okra not being all that -- and then a catfight breaks out.
Carrie is in the restaurant going through withdrawals as CIM decides to order dessert. She makes up another lie and tells him she has a deadline and has to leave. She runs off without her jacket, and once she is outside she lights up an emergency cigarette she had hidden in her pocketbook. CIM walks out of the restaurant with Carrie's jacket and catches her smoking. He looks at her like he's her father or something and is all, "We've got a little problem." Yeah, it's your bad hair, bad clothes, and bad acting. I won't be able to take it for the rest of the season!
Chivon and Samantha are alone at the club, and he tells her that she shouldn't have put down Adeena's cooking, and that he can't upset Adeena since they are so close. A lightbulb flashes over Samantha's head, which usually means Blue Light Special, but this time she actually came to a logical conclusion about something, which Carrie tells us "wasn't about a little white pussy, it was about a big black pussy that wouldn't stand up to his sister." Which was Samantha's deal breaker. I thought a deal breaker to her was that the guy still showed interest in her after she orgasmed.
Carrie is at home in her bathroom and her VO tells us it is over. Hooray! I yell, and pour myself a congratulatory glass of wine and toast to the end of CIM. Instead, Carrie flushes her remaining cigarettes and puts on a nicotine patch. ["I was thinking that she'd pin a big ol' silk flower over it to disguise it." - owen] She says she hopes he is worth it, and I chug my glass of wine to ease the pain of knowing that CIM will be around for a while.