The Freak Show

Cha cha! Splashy bus!

A beautiful shot of the Statue of Liberty at night looms large as Carrie waxes about how Manhattan was, "for millions of our forefathers," the path to dreams. Now, that path takes place in bars, as mating rituals replace traveling to Ellis Island, and the state the "hordes of women" crave to occupy is that of "matrimony." Oh, boy. If a date won't do, a hot meal will suffice, adds Carrie. Yeah, we needed you to spell that out for us. Thank god for Samantha, who savors her wine and lets her date dab a stray drop from her smiling lips. Carrie VOs that Sam "doesn't believe in first dates, but does believe in sex afterwards." Good! Let's make this less about mating rituals and more about mating, please. The VO continues; Sam's date is a litigator, takes "steam baths with Ron Perlman," and has a fancy apartment. Which I guess makes him appealing, or something. ["Ron Perlman is, I think, the inspiration for Mr. Big in the original 'Sex & the City' column. Or is it Ron Galotti? Ah, forget it." -- Sars] After dinner, of course Sam gets an invitation to see the view. They smooch. He says (rather uncharmingly) that his specialty is sexual harassment, and that he could claim impairment from the wine he had at dinner. Sam adds that she does have a history of driving men crazy. He's all, "You fit the profile; most sexual harassment cases are filed by older women." This is the part where I thank god this isn't Ally McBeal and that the producers of this show can allow a moment like this to happen without using that needle-being-pulled-off-a-record sound. But that's the gist. Sam, older? Or, Sam, being told that she's older? Sam pulls away and is all, "I'm sorry?" He's like, no offense, but what are you, forty, forty-one? She looks stunned. He's being very impolite, it's true. But he's a lawyer. She says she's going to freshen up, and he's all, "You're pretty fresh already." Oh, he's so cruising for a bruising. For whatever reason, Sam doesn't belt him a good one.

Sam scrutinizes her face in the bathroom mirror. You're gorgeous, honey! Don't listen to that cad. Well, maybe a lift. No, don't listen to me! She comes out of the bathroom and hears the strains of Right Said Fred's "I'm Too Sexy." Sam? Run. The evening, she is ruined. Her loathsome date is all, I'm in heeee-eeere! She opens the closet door to see the litigator, stripped, trussed, and chained to a hanging contraption in his walk-in closet/dungeon. Okay, if this were Charlotte's date, maybe this would freak her out. But it's SAMANTHA, Supervixen. This should be like going to the movies for her. He purrs, "Come on, slap me. Slap me hard." What's not to oblige? The guy is lame. Just belt him one and ask for cab fare.

The night, Sam invites the ladies to a party she's having for a new "awful" coffee table book. She commiserates about her bad date. Miranda contends that "men out there over thirty are freaks. It's Darwinian." Carrie says that's unfair. And what about "us," meaning we women over thirty here at the table? Mir is all, "We're just choosy! I'm getting more shrimp!" She bolts. Sam says the funniest part about her date was that he actually thought she was forty. Ha ha! Does Carrie think she looks forty? Carrie licks her lips, twists her hands together, and looks down, then up before answering, "You don't look a day over thirty-five." Good thing she isn't wearing pants, because they'd be on fire. Charlotte bubbles over and says she just met a great guy, Mitchell Saylor. Sam is all, MITCH SAYLOR? She knows of him. They retreat to the ladies' room.

Mitch Saylor? Is "Mr. Pussy." He eats it but good. And everyone knows it, except Charlotte, because the "only thing that goes down with regularity on Charlotte's dates is a gold American Express card." She's all, "Ew, ew, quit calling it that!" She means "eating pussy." And now she won't date him. It's just too icky! Oh, poor Charlotte. A woman emerges from a stall and says she has had the pleasure of Mitch Saylor. "He's un. Believable. Once I passed out when I came." And they dated for just one sweet orgasm-ful month. Carrie notes that the guy has "good word of mouth." Heh. The ladies leave the bathroom, and Mitch eats an oyster on the half-shell, sucking his cheeks in for Char's benefit. She smiles and looks bashful, a step up from grossed out. Okay, she's coming around. She'd BETTER.

Carrie flies out of her apartment in a very gypsy handkerchief top to go on her first blind date in two years, with an independent movie director named P.J. He just made a documentary about seagulls. No, really. But he's just doing this kind of feel-good filmmaking "to get a rep." He really wants to make action movies -- scratch that, he really wants to make money. He "loves money. [He'd] sell toilet bowls if it'd make [him] a millionaire." The lights go up on his face as Carrie VOs that two vodkas and a $12 plate of pasta are your ticket to see The Man With No Soul. Hey, I'd sell toilet bowls if it'd make me a million too -- what's wrong with that? You can't eat principles. The calliope music is scary. Heh.

Carrie's second date goes well enough as they wait in line for the movies, until the seemingly pleasant guy suddenly turns and screams at the couple standing behind them for standing too close. This one is The Man With Two Faces. More scary calliope music! What is this, a Fellini film?

Third time's a charm, right? Wrong. This time, her date, the bond trader, is The Man Who Steals Cheap Used Books For No Reason. Now, Carrie says, wearing her cute fun fur, she's scared. Maybe the dating world has changed. Maybe the world was better when there were freak shows, because now the freaks are "all mixed in among us." Yeah, like the world was better when Australia was the place where the prisoners slept. And now, we get The Question Of The Week: "Are all men freaks?" My answer is "maybe." ["I'd go with 'yes, because all people are freaks,' but nobody asked me." -- Sars]

Gal-pal powwow. They all have honking glasses of red wine. Sam tells them about her upcoming fat-from-ass-to-face procedure. The girls look amused. Miranda says, "We spend years trying to hide the fat in our ass, and you're going to put it right out there in your face?" Heh. Sam has to wear a girdle, and shows it off. Carrie notices the "hole." Sam says the hole is for peeing through. Char asks that Sam pull her skirt down. Look out, Char, you might pop your monocle! And she has to go, she's meeting Mitch, about whom feelings are growing. She may get serious with him, she says. Sam says you don't get serious with Mr. Pussy: "You enjoy him and set him free!" Mir calls Mr. Pussy "a freak," and asks what else Char knows about him, or if they've ever done anything else besides "it." Mir adds that Charlotte's not having a relationship, she's having "multiple orgasms." Char gathers his coat and says Mr. Pussy "makes [her] happy," then leaves in a huff.

Carrie, Ben, Mir, and a friend of Ben's have a non-double-non-date in Central Park. Mir and the FOB quibble about ice cream flavors. Carrie and Ben smile smugly, just in time to see Mir and FOB have a big fight. Mir says she's going to see her granddad in Connecticut, and FOB is all, "Ecch," because he "hates the country," hasn't left Manhattan in ten years, and sees no reason to set foot off the island because "everything you need is right here." Oh yeah? How could you not take issue with that xenophobia? Is Graceland in Manhattan? Is Tokyo? A Lush boutique? Pickle-flavored potato chips? Yeah, NYC is great, and has many, many amazing wonderful things to see and do, but there is a world outside. Mir says as much. Carrie VOs that this is another kind of freak, the kind that feeds off Zabar's and can be seen at midnight showings at the Angelika. The FOB is all, "You're obviously not from here." Oh, whatever. ["Yeah, really. The most rabidly 'New York' New Yorkers are inevitably the people who grew up in Sheboygan. Whatever, FOB." -- Sars] Mir says placidly that she has to "feed [her] cat," and makes to leave. Carrie VOs that this is a honed code, but doesn't want to let Mir go so easily. She grabs Mir's arm and says she thought Mir already fed her cat. Mir says she has to feed it again. As she walks away, FOB says, "Cat people, all freaks." I hate this guy. What a tool! Carrie and Mir shoot him a look, and Mir warns Carrie that if the friend is a freak, Ben may be too. Carrie hopes not, and looks at Ben, who smiles sweetly. He looks totally nice to me. People can have freaky friends and still be normal, yes? Yes.

Carrie and Ben make out in his apartment, but she's haunted by Miranda's comment. She stops smooching him to ask if there's anything freaky about him she should know. He says yeah, unbuttons his shirt, and shows her a tattoo of Tweety Bird. She said freaky, not lame, Ben. Carrie says it's "adorable," and he says it's a souvenir of a bachelor party a few years ago. And what about her? Is Carrie perfect? Nope. She shows him a scar on her knee from third grade. He calls her "scrappy," and that he likes "scrappy." The saxophone blows, and Carrie VOs that she and "the amazing tattooed man" made love, and "it didn't feel weird at all." Hooray.