Whoa, is it the finale already? That was quick! We open with Belle looking out over London through some magnificent bay windows. But it's different from when she does that in her flat or in a hotel room, because these are a completely different set of bay windows. They overlook the Thames and have a great view of a building that I think is Parliament. Let's just say it is. Belle tells us that she's educated and therefore expensive, and that she has some clients that are connoisseurs. I imagine it would take a lot of work to become a connoisseur of prostitutes. I know that wine experts have to taste a lot of wine before they really know what they're talking about.
Today's client is Mitchell Rothman, who's a multimillionaire film producer. He's American, which makes sense, because we Americans are all multimillionaires. It's great! Mitchell compliments Belle, telling her that she could take the "step" and offers to nominate her for something called "Diamond International Courtesans". Oooh, a courtesan. Aren't we high and mighty? No more scones for me, mater, I'm off to play the grand piano!
Er, sorry. Belle seems to like the idea of being a courtesan, which I think is supposed to involve sleeping with King Louis XIV. She and Mitchell spend some time saying "class" in the English fashion, and we have credits.
Belle explains the hierarchies. She's an "escort". Above her is "courtesan", which I believe comes with a small castle and twenty retainers. Or I might be thinking of something else. Courtesans have a few long-term clients and earn a fortune. Belle would like to be one of them. She arrives at a house (of sterling repute, I assume) for some kind of interview. She meets with three courtesans: Anna, Della, and Not-Anna-or-Della. Anna rummages through her clothes and quizzes her. She claims to be 24, but Not-Anna-or-Della informs her that their clients like their courtesans the way they like their wine. Cold and in a box? No, "expensive and mature". Belle promptly ups her claim to 27.
Not-Della-or-Anna, whose name turns out to be Fiona, further alleges that they're a "sisterhood", not an "agency". Mmm. In my opinion, you should always be leery of a boss who says that what you've got is a family, not a company. Anna leans over and compliments one of the dresses in Belle's bag, while insulting the one she's actually wearing. Apparently, Belle should not wear blue. The job interview continues, with Belle saying that she has "great communication skills" and that she's "always looking for a new challenge". Della lists skills that courtesans need, including golf and skiing. Fiona says that their clients are "lifestyle sponsors", and I have no idea what she means. Cutting to the chase, Belle wants to clarify that it's still basically sex for money. The temperature dips several degrees.
Belle panics in the bathroom and tells us that testing her on French was unfair, since she took German and Spanish. When she returns, the Diamond Girls are conferring. Belle tries to take control of the situation, apologizing for her French (in which she called London a small, picturesque town) and says that she's strong, a feminist (name-dropping Simone de Beauvoir), and very, very good at what she does. Anna likes her, and she's in!
On the phone (to Ben's voicemail) Belle burbles that she needs new clothes, another language, and photos. Then it's off to her agent to lay down the law and stomp out. The agent calls her back to the table, though, for last week's take. Then she makes a big show out of giving her a receipt.
Ben takes photos of Belle. She tells us that courtesans show cleavage, but not nipples. Then she demonstrates some poses for making your legs look longer or hiding your tummy. And you can look much classier by going monochrome. Then she's appalled that Ben deletes the photos off his camera, but I think he's just being sensible. Sure, his fiancée shouldn't look on his camera, but what if she borrows it? Better just to skip that entire conversation. Ben tells Belle that he and Vanessa are looking for a house in St. Albans (which is where The Young Poisoner's Handbook is set, if you're ever looking for a great black-humor movie. At least, I thought it was funny.). Belle and Ben reflect on how Ben's going to be an actual married grown-up, while Belle's going to be what Ben calls "an über-whore".
Back in Mitchell Rothman's place, Mitchell is pleasuring Belle and gives her the apartment. That's not a euphemism for some exotic oral sex technique -- I mean he actually offers her the actual apartment they're in. She freaks out ("My own see-through stairs!") and we cut to her packing. I bet now she wishes she hadn't completely redecorated twice for that S&M episode. She could have just left everything in boxes at some point. Her mother is helping her pack, so she has to make up something about the "L.A. office". There's a book that her mother used to read to Belle when she was a baby, and Belle has no sentimental attachment to it at all, telling her she should give it to Jackie (her sister) for the baby. Her mother tells her that she's always felt shut out of Belle's life.
Belle's father, however, give Belle a hug in the new apartment. He's proud of her. Back to Ben and Belle in the old apartment, and Ben has gotten her a cactus. Also, we learn that Belle finds all fish "strangely depressing". Huh. Belle tells us that now that she's at the top of the profession, she's in charge. She sorts through applicants, does phone interviews, and follows those up with in-person talks. She comes down her see-through stairs and Mitchell tells her she doesn't want more than four clients. "The more guys a courtesan sees, the less prestigious she is". I think there's a point at which our encyclopedic knowledge of how the courtesan business works can come off as creepy.
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Mitchell wants Belle to join him at a filming location in Scotland. She does, and it is rainy. She mopes, alone, to the sound of mournful bagpipes. Then she's in a bathtub, getting a sponge bath from Mitchell, but he's called away to the set. She calls Ben, saying that she couldn't come to something. She mopes around an enormous bedroom, and we see Mitchell in a chair made entirely of antlers. You'd think that would be uncomfortable. He's looking at a script on his laptop, and I shall just assume it's the script for this episode. I mean, why wouldn't it be? If it is, it says something like "MITCHELL looks pensive and SAYS NOTHING for a LONG TIME until BELLE pouts at him". Then he gets a phone call and she grabs his cell phone and slides it away down the floor.
Mitchell does not take this in the saucy-minx spirit in which it was intended and stomps out of the room. Cut to Belle returning to her vast, empty apartment. She calls Diamond to see if the women get together at any point, but everyone is busy and "diffuse". Della tells Belle that Mitchell has many places around the world with courtesans tucked away in them; she describes him as a "collector". Wow, that's an expensive hobby. Belle looks out at the London night. There's a lot of pensiveness going on in this episode.
Ben arrives in a panic. "What's wrong?" What's wrong is that Belle is bored. Ben doesn't find that an entirely satisfactory reason to call him to come over in the middle of the night, so Belle points out that Serpico is on. Ben objects to that as well, until Belle has to tell him to stop saying "Serpico". She looks at him with puppydog eyes, and he stays. A little later (I guess), Ben is on the phone to Vanessa saying he'll be a little longer, and I guess Vanessa hears Belle ask if he wants another cocktail. Ben hangs up and starts to put his shoes on. He lectures her on how she's bored and lonely because she's alienated everyone "for this! For all this shit!" Yeah, man, but it's really good shit!
What Ben is really angry about is that when Belle gives her Best Man speech, everyone will be thinking "Why isn't he marrying her?" So the morning, when Mitchell gets home, he finds a note saying "I'm sorry Mitch -- it's not for me. B. X". The "X" is a kiss, I think. He frowns and looks out over London. He's got a great view for pensive staring.
Back at Belle's old apartment, we (and Ben) learn that Belle is now "an independent escort", which makes sense. Her old agent wasn't doing much to keep her safe anyway. And I agree with Ben that "courtesan" sounds silly. Belle explains that she likes having lots of clients who make short appointments. Normally I'd make some sort of double-entendre joke here about how there's a way to interpret that statement to imply that she has sex with lots of men. For money. But I don't think it'll work here. Belle's point is that she doesn't want to be a "paid wife". Ben offers to be her security, but "not in a pimpy kind of way". Belle wonders if Vanessa would object to that, but Ben has called off the marriage. Well, this comes as quite a shock, that he's not marrying the woman who's had zero lines in the entire series. I was convinced that was going to be a big element of the show. (Note: this is sarcasm. When used properly, it creates "snark", which I believe is some kind of hovercraft fuel.)
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When Ben realized he didn't want to marry Belle, he decided not to marry anyone. He and Belle hug. Just then! then phone rings, and it's Belle's mother. She invites Ben for Sunday lunch. It's all very domestic. Belle tells us about how London is a good place to be whoever you want as long as one person knows you entirely and loves you still.
And we're out!
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Montykins thinks Belle has some kind of weird addiction to giant bay windows. Monty also watches a lot of movies, which he writes about on Monty on Movies. You can email him at montykins@gmail.com if that's your idea of a good time.
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