We open in an outdoor flower market or something. Belle talks about agendas and there's a convoluted analogy I don't want to bother with. Here's her point: when four people are having sex at the same time, it gets complicated. I bet! It seems like you'd need a choreographer or something. Maybe there will be a guest appearance by Mia Michaels! Oh, and Belle steals an apple.
After the credits, Belle is turning down Ben flat. Whatever it is, she's against it! It turns out that Belle needs a partner for some job and Ben thinks he can do it. This would be a pretty good start to a heist movie, wouldn't it? Anyway, Ben thinks he's pretty good at having sex, but Belle doesn't think he can do it professionally. Like, while wearing a tie?
She emphasizes that her job is not easy and that there's more involved than he thinks. He claims that he just wants to see for himself if her job is as safe as she's said it is. She points out that he's meant to be getting married soon, and it looks like that's part of the reason he wants to do it. She turns him down flat.
Speaking of flats, we're in Belle's now. (You like that transition? I worked on it for a good fifteen seconds!) She tells us that most girls who do "couple work" have a standard partner. She browses the Internet, classifying men as "gay" or "amateur". Then she's in a restaurant booth interviewing men. Well, just one men, but he's got a lot going on. For one, he's extremely skeevy. For another, he claims to have twelve inches. And then there's the way he raises his eyebrows as he licks away a milk moustache. I bet he thinks he's being sensual when he does that. I just think he should have shaved.
Ben arrives at Belle's flat, wearing a nice suit and asking about the "vacancy". She asks him what he thinks will be involved, and he speculates that there will be sex, as well as watching. She tells him that the couple is first-timers who want an anniversary present, so she'll be sleeping with the man and her male partner will be having it off with the woman. She grills him on whether someone who's engaged should be off having sex, but he claims to be able to separate his sex life and his emotions. Ha! Take that, Hannah-Belle! Then he compliments her and tells her that she should let people help her. He ends with "I can handle it if you can", which seems like a classic mistake.
Belle prepares Ben for the sex, which is a process that involves a great deal of primping. And some wax. Oh, and Belle made 105,000 pounds last year, while Ben only made 35 grand. She points out that she has a lot of expenses. It costs a lot to be Belle! It also costs a lot to be Ben. Poor Ben.
Okay, it's twenty minutes until the clients arrive. She gives final advice, like using condoms for penis, fingers, and all toys. And always use one hand on yourself and the other on your client. He's worried about performing, but she assures him that he makes people feel good. Also, here's some Viagra. Yeah, that sounds like a good idea. Leave nothing to chance!
The couple arrive; they are Kate and Liam. There's some small talk and coat-taking, and the are relieved to learn that they can smoke here. It's their fifteenth anniversary, and they were together for five years before that. Ben and Belle act like a real couple who met at university (if they were American, they'd have met at a university), and everyone quickly runs out of things to say about Newcastle. After Alan Shearer, Sting, and coal, nobody's got anything. I'm not pointing fingers; I would never have come up with Alan Shearer.
Belle nicely interrogates Liam and Kate about what they're looking for, and they don't have much of a plan, although Kate gently suggests a little girl-on-girl. Once they're in the shower, Belle rushes off to change underwear, her current choice being apparently a little too hardcore. She gives Ben a choice between "Retro" and "Von Teese". "Von Teese" is a thing now? I thought Dita Von Teese (who I saw on the sidewalk in Hollywood once) was just going for "Retro" herself. Ben drops his trou too, and they discover that the Viagra has kicked in. Naturally, Ben makes some lightsaber noises. Very professional.
Belle has Liam sit and watch her and Kate kiss and make out. Ben sits at the other side of the bed. He doesn't look as awkward as you'd think. He appears to enjoy the show, and Belle has to get his attention to make him help out. Ben takes over Kate, and Belle moves over to Liam. When Ben rolls over to get a condom, Liam sets Belle aside and starts making love to Kate. Soon, the clients are having sex with each other while Ben and Belle moan and stifle giggles.
Left to their own devices, Ben and Belle start to kiss. Ben starts to call her Hannah and has to be reminded that she's Belle tonight. They do not have sex.
Belle compliments Ben on his work, but he looks unsatisfied. The experience did not live up to his anticipation. Liam and Kate, fully dressed, appear and thank them. Then they leave. They seemed nice!
Belle smirks and tells Ben that her job is not "just opening my legs and moaning." He deems it "a total mind fuck". When she gives him his two hundred, he looks conflicted but still takes it. Then he, too, goes.
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The final speech is a strained math analogy. I don't like it much, so I'm skipping it. Take that!
Discuss this episode in our forums, then see what vlogger Sean Crespo has to say about Secret Diary when he has No Prior Knowledge!
Montykins really didn't like the math analogy at the end. There's a time and place for math, and this isn't it! Monty also watches a lot of movies, which he writes about on Monty on Movies. You can email him at montykins@gmail.com if that's your idea of a good time.
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