By Kim
Elliott walks up and calls Cox "Slick" while asking him to accompany them to the board meeting. Carla says that Elliott thinks calling a guy Slick will get him to agree to anything, and Elliott adds that it also works on lesbians. Cox says that he hates Kelso and wishes he would die, so he's not interested in their plan. JD walks by and Cox asks him about the urine test (while calling him Hermione). JD doesn't want to admit that he misplaced the sample. Cox hooks his bungee cord to Turk's leg, but when he lets go, it snaps JD. See what they did there? How JD was complaining that he always takes the brunt of the insults?
Kelso reminisces about the first patient he killed -- a nineteen-year-old girl. Well, this is cheery. She had an undetected ectopic pregnancy and Kelso didn't catch it, so she bled to death. He adds that sometimes he looks at the hospital and sees the faces of all the patients he's lost. He pauses meaningfully and then scares the intern, chuckles, and admits that he does see their faces.
Carla and Elliott decide that they need to round up support staff as well as medical staff. They ask Ted who the leader of the support staff is, and he points to Janitor, who doesn't want to do it, since they dissed him earlier. But Elliott pleads, and he can't say no. The problem is, they can't get anyone else to join their cause.
JD and Turk track down the urine sample - JD left it on the ledge outside. And it's turned purple. Kelso sees them and spins a tale of two stupid dogs he used to have. The intern thinks he needs to get to work, since his shift started two hours ago. Kelso ignores him and says that so much of medicine just comes down to dumb luck. That's...comforting?
JD Googles purple pee and comes up with a diagnosis of "intermittent porphyria." Throughout the rest of the episode, I'm annoyed because they pronounce porphyria wrong. It's supposed to be por-FEAR-ee-ah and they keep saying it por-fur-EE-ah. And the only reason I know that is because I took a class in college called "Victorian Poetry" (useful!) and we read Robert Browning's poem, "Porphyria's Lover" which is about a dude who strangles his girlfriend (cheery, those Victorians!) and we had this whole class discussion about the disease porphyria and how it's thought to be the origins of the vampire myths since the people affected were sensitive to light and often pale and sweating. Anyway, look it up online if you're interested, but that class was probably fifteen years ago and I still remember it, which is more than I can say for most of what I learned in college, so it's weird that it came up on an episode of a show I weecap, no? Maybe it's just me. It's not common, and JD has diagnosed it.
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