Episode Report Card Omar G: B- | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Coma Chameleons
By Omar G | Season 4 | Episode 10 | Aired on 11.30.2004
Smallville Medical Center. Sure, we’ve been here before. Lana’s hand, sporting her atrocious porcupine ring, is caressing Jason’s. He’s in a hospital bed in a patented Smallville coma. It’s like the producers confused comas with commas, given how often the device is used around here. Jason, though sleeping, looks a bit sweaty. Lana’s excreting moisture too, but it’s in the form of tears. Outside the hospital room, Clark — plus Chloe, wearing what appears to be a brooch in the shape of an exploding black sombrero, and a Chloevage-baring coat — approach. Chloe enters the room, asking Lana how Jason is doing, while Clark hangs back. Lana wipes her tears and says that the doctors don’t know. Nevertheless, Jason is hooked up to a large digital monitor that reveals his vitals to be exuberant. Lana says that the doctors can’t get Jason’s blood pressure down. Jason, who is tied to the monitor via the finger, appears to be saluting the nation in his sleep. With his hand, I mean. Lana says that Jason is in some sort of “panic mode,” like the one on your car alarm. It means he’s having a severe nightmare. Clark opens his mouth to let this one out: “What happened?” Lana gives Clark a sharp look as if he said something wrong. Her nostrils even flare for a second. Clark looks away as if he doesn’t notice. The somber background music from Blade Runner seems to be playing. Lana says that Jason came to pick her up for lunch. Lana blubbers that she went upstairs to grab her jacket and next thing she knew — busted Talon table. Not a very good story, really. You won’t be saving that one for your grandkids. Lana says that if they don’t get his heart rate down, Jason could have a heart attack. I don’t ever remember Lana ever crying this much before. “They must have some idea what caused this,” Clark says. Did Lana not just tell you the doctors don’t know what’s up? Do you think she’s lying? Lana says that Jason was studying all morning before he came over. Uh, right. A football guy studying all morning. Are you sure his “studying” didn’t involve a webcam and some trannies? Chloe offers to help. Lana nods. Clark does not offer to help. Lana says that Jason’s insurance card is in her apartment. She asks them to get it for her. Chloe agrees. Clark, who hasn’t acted weird about the whole Jason thing before, is suddenly Captain Awkward of the Stepping Lightly Around the Subject Brigade. He even gives Jason a dirty look as he goes like, “Yeah, you just stay here and enjoy that coma, bitch.”
A framed photo of Lana and Jason in Paris, standing under a Metro sign. Chloe watches as Clark picks up the photo and stares at it. For once, he doesn’t X-ray or eyejaculate all over something he’s looking at intently. Chloe says she doesn’t want to go “Dr. Phil” on Clark, but asks if he shouldn’t admit that Lana and Jason are in a relationship. Clark scoffs that he’s past that. Also, what’s a “relationship?” Chloe chides Clark for his trance-like jealous state. Clark says he could have used more time to ease into the idea. Next time Lana decides to date someone, she’ll give you some warning so you can update it in your Palm Pilot. Chloe tells Clark you don’t ease out of being in love with someone. Clark bitches about the way he found out. Chloe gives Clark a pointed look and says we all keep secrets for a reason: “Don’t think I have to tell you that.” Chloe, over Clark’s objections, goes through Jason’s backpack. She pulls out Jason’s organizer and says that if they backtrack through his last few days, it might help. Chloe discovers that Jason had a meeting at LuthorCorp that morning. Drama! Clark asks why Lana didn’t mention that. “Maybe she didn’t know,” Chloe says.
One trip to LuthorCorp later. We’re still near town, but we’re using the Metropolis gray lens filter to show the exterior of Lex’s plant. There’s a fence, but no security guard. Chloe uses her dad’s old swipe card, which somehow still works, to enter the facility. Chloe mentions that the weekend overtime shift should be in full swing, and the place should be full of productive worker bees. Chloe tells Clark to go talk to Lex while she goes and take a backstage “tour,” except the way she says it, it sounds like “store.” Clark goes off in search of love as marching music plays. Very Alexander. In multiple ways.
Inside. Clark rounds a corner where there are lots of pipes and shiny surfaces, just as Lex is skulking down the hall. “Clark!” Lex calls, and doesn’t seem happy to see him. “How the hell did you get in here?” Lex barks. He didn’t mind it the 500 other times Clark showed up unannounced at his place. Clark says lamely that the gate was open and security was MIA. Lex wipes his mouth and, as he continues walking past Clark, tells him it’s a restricted area. Clark asks for a bit of Lex’s time. Like “making time”? Lex opens a wall panel, pulls out a very important-looking red phone, and tells the waiting attendant on the line that he needs a guest escorted out. Lex apologizes, but says he just got in from Metropolis and has a lot to do. Clark thought Lex had a meeting that morning with Jason. Lex says that Jason’s meeting was with the head of Lex’s HR department. “You giving him a job?” Clark asks. If there are jobs, be they hand, blow, or other, they’re going to be given to Clark, dammit. Lex says he was just giving Jason some leads; he felt guilty for the whole school firing thing. Lex says that Jason didn’t want to tell Lana about it. Clark tells Lex that Jason is in the hospital with “neurological stress.” Lex breathes heavily and turns away. Clark says that Lex’s HR guy might have been the last person to talk to Jason. Er, before he showed up to get Lana and spoke to her, I guess. Lex says he’ll find the HR guy, but tells Clark that there could be lots of reasons for Jason’s conditions. Like, uh, exhaustion. Even Ruben Studdard gets that. Clark mentions that the factory is deserted halfway through a Saturday shift. Lex stops and tells Clark he’ll send a specialist from Metropolis to examine Jason. He asks Clark to make sure Lana knows Lex is doing everything he can. Clark doesn’t write it down, so I’m sure he’ll forget. Just then, a golf cart with a security guard approaches to take Clark away.
Chloe lurks. She comes down some very nice stairs with brushed-metal railings. Suddenly, the lights go out. She keeps walking in the dark. She rounds a spooky corner into a room lit from outside by severe, gloomy rays. Chloe looks inside the room. She’s bathed in blue light, looking all right. Inside, a woman sits on a chair with a shaft of light coming down on her from the ceiling. The floor is made of white and black checkerboard tile. Chloe, in profile, watches the woman. She approaches slowly. The camera pans overhead to show that the woman in the chair, with her head down, is in a straitjacket. Heavy music plays with slight tinkles. “I’ve been waiting for you, Chloe,” says a hoarse feminine voice. “Mom?” Chloe asks. “You can’t escape this, Chloe,” says a voice remarkably like Chloe’s. “None of the women in our family ever have.” Chloe comes closer. The camera zooms in from behind on the spooky blue lady. Chloe is about to put a hand on the woman’s shoulder, but stops herself. Chloe, lips shaking, gathers her courage and tries again. She touches the woman’s shoulder. Brief paise. Jerk! The body spins around. It’s a very, very scary Chloe with ratty hair, huge dilated pupils, and funky scars around her lips. It’s very Ju-On. Spoooooky! Total aside: my friend Patty calls me “Smookymar” all the time, but this Halloween, she changed it to “Spoooooookymar!” Oh, and Chloe screams. A lot. The Crazy Scary Chloe opens her mouth and somehow also hisses, and the camera zooms in. Despite the ruin of the face, Crazy Scary Chloe’s still got nice teeth. The real Chloe screams some more. She steps back and sees that she’s in a straitjacket now. She screams, “No! No! No!” and runs out of the room. She flails with her arms together down the hallway as Clark and the security guard ride up in the golf cart. They notice Chloe. Chloe isn’t wearing a straitjacket now, but she thinks she’s got one on. She swings and runs with her arms crossed. Clark, for no damn good reason, taps the guard on the head and knocks him out. I sure hope that guy gets brain damage and sues the shit out of the Kents. Clark goes over to catch Chloe as she falls unconscious in her army. She’s sweaty. We get one last scary note and then go to commercials.