Props to Wing. And hi.
First, some background, if I may. Full day of work today. Full day of work tomorrow. Tomorrow, after aforementioned full day of work, a nighttime flight from Los Angeles to New York in a world where "nighttime flight from Los Angeles to New York" should only be uttered and subsequently undertaken by select members of the military and other thrill-seeking kamikaze members of society whose names are comprised, at least in part, by the words "Evel" and/or "Knievel." So, in an attempt to maintain some control over this very harried existence of mine, I present to you the first Roswell all-nighter in the history of MBTV. Think this show makes you cry under optimal circumstances? This show has never watched the sun rise. This show has never faced the encroaching perils of flight. This show has never run out of Red Vines at 3 AM and taken its recapper onto his balcony screaming, "This site still exists, goddammit, so where in the living hell is Webvan when I need it?" So hold onto your browser windows, people, and here's hoping that writing this recap is the only project I undertake in the twenty-four hours that's characterized as being a "bumpy ride." Meep.
We're on the set that makes us think we're outside of the Crashdown in post-wedding darkness. The fine folks at Monogamy Inc. get a product-placed thumbs up, as the back window of a car proudly reads "Just Married" in white, soaped-on letters. Standing around the open trunk of the car are a jubilant Jesse "Yo, I Have Gots To Have Sex Tonight" Ramirez and a slightly-less-than-affable Max "At Best The Fourth Or Fifth Best Man" Evans. Max helps Jesse load a large parcel into the car. It appears to be golf clubs, and I pretty much resolve from the get-go that if those clubs don't merely function as a metaphor for Jesse's impressive wedding-night virility, this is about to become the least intriguing honeymoon in the history of televised nuptials. Max and Jesse partake in a moment of golfer/caddy mutual club handling (if you know what I mean, and Max certainly does), until Kyle "Eeny-Weeny Teeny Little Shriveled Little Short Short Man" Valenti runs up behind them and asks in a panic, "How's it going? Everything okay?" Jesse proudly sports his wood and smiles so broadly that he inhales the three iron right out of the bag, responding, "Fiiiiine." Max, his formal shirt still tucked in but the top few buttons on his tux undone, is missing only a signed contract with Chippendales and a neon sign reading "please place dollar bills here" with a blinking arrow pointing directly at his crotch. Only Kyle is still decked out in his full wedding finery, so intent is he on finding Isabel, who he learns from Max is "upstairs, changing." Kyle ditches the Town Car action and runs at twice the speed of a normal-sized boy to find her. Dude. This here isn't even a limo. I'm sure the trip to the airport will be just lovely, what with Isabel in the passenger seat glancing over her shoulder on the hunt for her long-lost alien captor, while Jesse sits in the driver's seat searching for in-car entertainment and loudly commenting, "Look, honey, it's Dorf on Golf…on tape!"
Ruzzah ruzzah and community-theater-esque blocking (I swear that with good speakers you can actually hear it when Max's parents keep accidentally referring to each other as "Mr. and Mrs. Webb") as the regulars move into position for whatever galvanizing sequence is to follow. Kyle rushes back into the diner, followed by Mr. and Mrs. Evans, just as Michael "With This Ring, I Thee Bedhead" Guerin walks past them and right into Liz "I Do Not Like Her On A Lark, I Do Not Like Her In A" Parker, who is returning from some ambiguous outdoor locale holding one of those busboy trays filled with dishes. Well, like, three dishes. Michael sees her walking toward him and notes, "I'm not washing all these." Yeah, don't go breaking your back sudsing off that one spork there, Mr. Paid Diner Employee. Liz merely barks an unfriendly "go" before returning to the enchanted Flatware Forest to pick more dishes off the town's fabled Dish Vine.
Isabel "Just Cause" Evans descends the steps of the Crashdown wearing a new, non-curtains-y dress, which I guess means we've mercifully broken the borrowed mom items. I'm sad to see the formal tradition of "something old" (Max's age), "something new" (the ill-begotten chalk marks on Max's driver's license where he tries to convince the remaining nine of us that he's still in high school), "something borrowed" (the time that this show is living on) and "something blue" (I don't know, Max's varicose veins?) didn't make it, but I am pleased to see that the passing down of the wedding dress may span numerous generations but did not bridge two whole episodes. At the bottom of the steps, Isabel runs into Kyle, who asks her in a panic, "What are you doing? You didn't tell them?" Isabel snaps back that he can tell them his darn self, but he'll have to wait until she's gone. Kyle shows even more concern, following up, "Isn't this guy, like, an alien killer or…?" Isabel snaps that she only gets "one honeymoon," and that her interstellar, velvet-collared, Celine-Dion-video-conjuring lover we met last week isn't going to ruin that for her. Kyle tries to reason with her, but his giant pink corsage and what appears to be actually declining height make him vaudeville-ishly difficult to take seriously: "Isabel, I'm all for denial as a way of life, but you can't just run away from this one." Isabel pauses for a moment, before shooting back an impassioned "Yes, I can" and taking her leave of the kitchen.
Michael takes his drippy (ha! See what I did there, with the washing-dishes subplot?) subplot about dishes into the kitchen, asking Kyle if he wants to "wash or dry." As opposed to Max's "you really have to try both ways before you're completely sure which one you're more comfortable with" response, which I'm sure scared Michael into the kitchen to begin with, Kyle stares angrily after Isabel and mutters, "I can't believe she didn't tell you." Michael calls out, "Tell me what?" before taking the dishes deeper inside the diner. Silly man! Dishes are supposed to be found, collected, and harvested outside! Haven't we learned that those little saucers need lots of sunshine and fresh air or they'll never grow into full-sized plates? Oh, and if that damn huge carnation on Kyle's diminutive lapel doesn't spray water into at least one person's face to hilarious comic effect really soon, Spencer Gifts can kiss their corporate branding tie-in goodbye.
The Ramirez party of two takes off, the parents and friends yelling, "Ruzzah ruzzah blah blah bye George and Emily" after them and establishing through the line "Have a good time in La Jolla!" that they are, in fact, having their honeymoon in La Jolla. Hugs are exchanged, and Bangs calls out a plaintive "We'll miss you!" This comment actually stops Isabel where she stands, because the script quite explicitly expresses that it must, and she turns from the door and tells her mother, "Mom, it's a week! I'll call." Which is basically the Roswell foreshadowing equivalent of a horror movie's "I'll be right back." Max and Bangs stand together, sharing a moment of understanding when Bangs notes sadly, "Everything's different now," and Max rivets us anew with his studied response, "Yeah. It is." Wow. He talks the way actual people talk. It's so natural. Those two were born exactly nine minutes apart.
Kitchen. Again. Kyle stews shortly until Michael and Max enter to hear Kyle rant, "I can't believe she didn't tell you. About Khivar." Max and Michael exchange worried glances, and Kyle asks even more bitterly, "What, did I say his name wrong?" Heh. The one good line makes all the bad lines look so, so very much worse. Kyle continues on that Khivar was dancing with Isabel, and that he looks like "a human." Michael: Worried. Max: Furtive. Me: Dammit, my plane is practically taxiing right now and we're still hanging out before the opening credits here.
Opening credits: Hey, Ringo? I thought I told you to tell that bitch to chill.
Crashdown. Liz, Maria, Max, Michael, and Kyle sit around a video camera and watch the wedding they attended six minutes earlier. They watch as Khivar khuts in on Michael, and they freeze the frame at Isabel's you-are-the-star-of-my-liquid-dreams moment of recognition. Michael asks, "How can that be him?" as Maria makes an "ooh la la" face that indicates she'll be seeing him in her own Celine Dreams shortly. Michael gives her a jealous glance, and she retorts with an "I'm just sayin'" shout-out to the MBTV community at large. Kyle inquires of the group, "Now, the way I see it, most people watching this show are doing so on a dare. What quickie backstory can you offer these media bottomfeeders?" He may have phrased it somewhat more elegantly, but Max obliges in answering my exact question regardless: "In our other life, Khivar was our enemy. He was trying to take over my throne. Isabel fell in love with him and helped him overtake us. It was a bloodbath. We were all killed, including Isabel." Kyle glares down at Max, silently begging him to put down his ninety-sided Dungeons & Dragons die and just tell the freakin' story, but Max keeps the dork-o-babble knob turned way, way up to eleven: "Our genetic material was mixed with human DNA, and we were sent here." Kyle tries to lighten the mood by asking, "Nothing's ever simple with you people, is it?" Fleh. I'm not any more endeared to a script when the writer starts to make fun of himself just for realizing how much it sucks. Note to "David" "Simkins" and his challenged sense of self-parody. Max and Michael believe there is only one solution; they have to go to La Jolla. Michael waves a hand over what appears to be some "past due" bills ('cause he's a slacker, see), turning them into two first-class tickets to La Jolla. I won't even go into a rant about how many plotlines in show history could have been rendered totally moot with the simple waving of a hand we just saw. If they can turn bills into plane tickets, why not turn an ugly wedding dress into a pretty wedding dress? Why not turn those bills into cash with which to pay those bills? How about if they can turn ketchup into mustard, why on earth not turn blood into a different kind of blood? Oh, damn. I've gone and given the speech again, haven't I? Anyway, they're going to La Jolla. To khill Khivar. 'Til he khant be khilled no more.
I know we're in La Jolla, California because of the MS Word Alien Bold subtitled announcement that we're in "La Jolla, California." A cab pulls up to a very Club Med-ish resort, and out jump a smiley Isabel and Jesse, free from care and obligation and, soon, pesky virginity. Thank goodness for vows. But not all is well at Khlub Khivar, for Isabel thinks she spies the scarlet-collared one kharrying a bag and walking just inches away from her. But a car pulls up between them, and when it passes, Isabel realizes that it wasn't Khivar at all. Tease me, Khivar! Tease us all, you teasy teaser! Jesse smarms up behind a distracted Isabel, all hands, and asks her if she's okay. She's "tired," which bodes well for the numerous non-sex-oriented activities one can enjoy on a honeymoon. Jesse, in the mood for love, suggests that they check in and "slip into something a little more married." I have no idea what that means, but I'm still calling for a planet-wide moratorium on the expression "slip into something…" due to the high level of unsexyness it always inspires in me. It's got all of the sweet-talking cache of someone asking me if I wanted to "make whoopie." Which no one has done. But do feel free. I am home, with not a heck of a lot going on at the moment.
He carries her over a threshold into the ugliest, most discolored Honeymoon Suite committed to celluloid since Superman and Lois stayed in that room where you could start your own fire by pulling down on the giant rope. And that room was just kidding. No one let this room in on the joke. They just painted the door bright pink and hung up some curtains whose primary purpose would be to outfit the drapery-inclined Mrs. Evans, should she decide to marry again and needed to throw together something patterned and familiar and horrible in a hurry. They "ooh," and then they "aah," over the beauty of the room. Jesse takes six pointless minutes tipping the bellhop (oh my God, get on with it, show. If you have something to share that won't take an hour, avoid making an entire episode), and once they are alone, he throws her down on the bed and they smack smackily for another hour. Those two must have sixteen rows of teeth between them. It's creepy. Jesse asks Isabel if something is wrong, and then crawls behind her on the bed (now this is where things could get interes…oh, no they couldn't) and gives her the "comforting guy" speech: "We're gonna be married for a long, long time. No reason to rush anything anymore. Everything's gonna be fine." They both smile too big again, and I forge both of their signatures on the back of my driver's license, just in case I ever need an emergency enamel transplant and Toothie-Dee and Toothie-Dum are the only ones out there who seem to have any left.
Crashdown, cover of broad daylight. Maria pours salt into saltshakers and eavesdrops as Monopoly Nazi Evans strolls in and sits down at the counter. He beckons Slackjaw over, and the two refer to each other as "Jeff" and "Philip," and I briefly think these are names they've adopted for each other because perhaps they're rehearsing a play or something. Anyway, Monopoly Nazi kicks it off: "I feel kind of funny about this, but can I speak to you about something?" Slackjaw assents. Monopoly Nazi clarifies, "In private?" Discreet men cavorting privately? Well, like father, like son. Slackjaw suggests, "Let's go in the back." Oh, la la. Like father's son's girlfriend's father, like son.
Jesse is worth divorcing. Golf on TV? Yes, I know Isabel is sound asleep on the bed, but shouldn't he at least be doing something constructive like watching scrambled porn or reading some leaflets about the history of the town and trying to very slowly sound out how "La Jolla" has a J and two Ls and still rhymes with Goya? Anyway, that's just exactly what I'd be doing. On my honeymoon. With my wife. Anyway, Jesse finally gets tired of waiting for Isabel to wake up, so he takes a break from thinking about his putts (Geddit? Thank you! Goodnight!) to see what the hotel has to offer. He picks up a little information card atop the television, and we cut to him clad in only a towel, entering a steamroom kind of room. He puts a leg up and closes his eyes. He has a flash that someone is in the room with him, and opens his eyes to find himself alone. A moment later, a flash again. Anyway know exactly what's coming here? He opens his eyes and finds himself face-to-face with Khivar, which also causes Isabel to sit up in bed and wonder as to Jesse's whereabouts. Khivar bids him a "hi" just as Isabel finds a note from Jesse that he's gone to the spa at 2:30 and that he'll be back in an hour. Isabel glances at the Timex clock and notes that it is 5:38. Wait a second! That faulty clock math doesn't work at all! Danger!
And back at the Crashdown, Maria tells Liz that "something's brewing" and it's "something bad." Liz doesn't want her parents skulking, so she ekes out a misdirected "screw that" and finds her father in the room to ask him, "What did Mr. Evans want?" Slackjaw has his story all ready, something about a new accountant. Liz worries that it was "something with the catering," but Slackjaw assures her that "the catering was fine." And that, apparently, is why all of the guests threw their dishes into the street and left Liz traipsing through nature to pick them all up for Michael to wash. That must be a compliments-to-the-chef kind of gesture in whatever country this show takes place in.
Khlub Khivar. For 5:38 and nine seconds, this place is really hopping. Isabel looks for Jesse just everywhere, finally stumbling upon him at the bar. She hugs him, and he apologizes for disappearing. Except he calls her "baby," which she's not, and it pretty much dampens the intensity of an apology he wasn't sounding that sincere about giving to begin with. She asks him where he's been. "Driving range," an approaching Khivar tells them. "Your husband is quite a golfer." I have not just been sent to a commercial break with the dramatic high point being reached through the line, "Your husband is quite a golfer." Except I guess that I have. Don't they know how much packing there is to be done?
Drinktime at Khlub Khivar. And I know he was Isabel's lover in her former alien life and all. And I know the resort is named after him and all. But that doesn't give a man a right to act as Love Connection chaperone to a couple that's been married for nine minutes. Dude. Khivar. Leave the kids alone. But no, for there they are at a table, the three of them enjoying drinks and scintillating conversation. The table is decorated with a bowl of flowers the exact kind and color seen moments ago on Kyle's tuxedo lapel. Note to the set designer: there is more than one type of flower on the planet. Jesse, sipping an awfully fruity-looking drink containing one too many umbrellas and wedges of fruit and chaise lounges for a man of his decidedly non-gay sexuality, is explaining to Khivar, "I knew the moment I met her. Love at first sight." Isabel tries to segue every line into an escape clause, but I guess somewhere deep down Jesse is all mad that they didn't do the consummation thing last night, so he's punishing her by making her hang out with her lover from a former alien life. Or something like that. Jesse poses a question: "So, Kevin…" He calls himself "Kevin"? Oh, that's so weak. Unless he spells it "Khevin." That, then, would be infinitely cool. Anyway, Khevin offers a tale of his own love life, telling Jesse and Isabel, "She's gone. She's not dead. Just missing. Seems like I've been searching for her forever." Jesse is totally interested in this story. Let's learn tons more for no reason, then: "To fully understand what happened, you gotta go back to the first night we met. See, we were supposed to fall in love. Our families were enemies, we were at the palace, and it was one of those rare moments where they were trying to find peace." Blah they kissed. Blee "It's All Coming Back To Me" screen caps. Bleh then he lost her. Isabel thinks the story is "farfetched," and Khevin takes a hearty swig of "What The Ale Are They Going On About"-brand beer and looks pensively like a man who should be a lot better-looking than he is and just can't quite figure out how that happened. It's the look Ben Affleck gets when he gets caught not ever being hot.
More video camera shots, this time from Kyle's perspective. , Jesse and Isabel will be making everyone come over to their house to watch slides of the honeymoon, which is so far shaping up to be the least entertaining vacationing-couples-in-peril story told since the Steve Martin and Goldie Hawn remake of The Out-of-Towners. Kyle watches as Isabel watches Khivar, just as the doorbell rings at The Den Of Porno and Porno calls out to Kyle, "I got it, Kyle," to establish to us all that we're supposed to know that Porno knows that Kyle is home. Got it. Thanks. At the door is Roswell's newest supersleuth, Mr. Evans, telling Porno, "I feel really strange about this. I've been talking to Jeff Parker, and, um, I know this is gonna sound strange, but there are some things I need to know, and…can I come in?" He comes in. Turns out Monopoly Nazi is going on about Max, concerning "something been happening for a few years now, and I don't know what it is. I'm just trying to find out more information about my son." He grills Porno on Tess, asking where she's gone and whether he can contact her there to ask her a couple of questions. Kyle looks on from the room. We know Porno knows he's home. If there's one thing we know, that's the one thing. Maybe Kyle could use this valuable alone time to take care of those sideburns of his, no? No?
We find ourselves in the nighttime at Khlub Khivar, Jesse and Isabel sharing a slow dance and laughing until silly Khivar is spotted near the bar. Isabel notes, "He bugs me." Jesse is cavalier: "You think he's some freak who preys on honeymooning newlyweds?" Why would he be anything else? Oh, and he also poisons drinks, as he runs his hand over a glass before he takes off to give it to Jesse. From the kid's taunt of old: "He Khivar. He play joke. He put pee-pee in your Coke." Isabel asks if they can please leave, but Khevin gets to them in time and tells them he feels like he's intruding. But Jesse still takes a sip of the beverage and is soon to blame "that oyster appetizer." Ew. He takes his leave, Isabel attempting to slip off alone but coming predictably face-to-face with Celine Dion Video Kill The Radio Khivar himself. Khivar launches in: "I've been searching for you for an eternity." They dance a dance of lies, Isabel insisting, "I'm not Vilandra anymore." Khivar thinks this is untrue, and Khivar demands, "Ditch the human toy and meet me by the water. Like when we first met." They met at a manmade lake with fake swans and a gazebo? Just another day on Planet Mini Golf, I guess. Losers. Isabel pulls away and declines the offer to meet him. But the dream flashes! They are so strong! They almost kiss. But then they don't. I almost care. But then the sun rose.
And we're ping-ponging back to the Crashdown, where Kyle fills in Liz and Maria on what Monopoly Nazi talked to Porno about. Maria advises them not to worry, changing the subject immediately when she finds a "missing" sign that conveniently tells them all that Khivar is just inhabiting another body to hang out on Earth, and that the real guy is named Dennis. And Max and Michael are on their way to La Jolla to kill him. The plot might thicken if any of the cooks in that place managed to give it a stir.
More Isabel moments of contemplation. She's in her room at Khlub Khivar lighting some khandles, waiting for Jesse to emerge from the restroom. She glances toward the window and asks, "Jesse, are you coming out?" Jesse's in the bathroom, prepping for love. He's brushing his tongue. He's flexing for the mirror. He's wearing black boxers and we're backstage, because his ass is in my face and I didn't sign or see the consent form on that decision at all. Isabel walks to the window and notes that Khivar is outside, waiting for her. She! Can! No! Longer! Resist! She walks back to the bathroom and melts the doorknob, so that Jesse can't exit. She tells him she's got to go "try and find some maintenance people" and see if they can fix it. I don't want to say the plots of these shows are too simplistic or anything…but I don't think that's where she's really going. Cut to Isabel outside, approaching Khivar and asking, "What have you done to me? You've taken control, used some kind of power to get me here." Khivar tells her that she's there because that's where Vilandra wants her to be. Vilandra is dead! No, she's not! Khivar tells her, "We can leave tonight, right now!" Isabel genuinely wants to know how, and it yields this fabulous response: "It's a new mode of transit, something we've been working on." Well, I don't think I need to tell you just how convenient that explanation was. Why not just say, "I know ways to get home that you don't," rather than playing another spirited round of "Improv Your Way To Sci-Fi Continuity"? Because that game? Well, in that game there are no winners. And then he kisses her big-time, and she's under the Khivar spell. Cut to Max and Michael arriving in La Jolla at the perfect time, Michael hoping that they're not -- and then they see them kissing -- "too late."
And kissing. And kissing. And kissing. Isabel finally pulls away, insisting, "I'm not Vilandra!" She's also not Rappaport. She can't fight this feeling. And the kid is not her son. So negative. Khivar begs her to "leave this all behind," and I have to agree that, if it's a choice between a planet I've never seen before or another minute in an old folks' prison watching people play shuffleboard all day, I'm gonna roll the dice and do the "other planet" thing, if it's okay with y'all. Max and Michael don't think it is, though, for they go a-skulking through the bushes looking for a plan. Max's cell phone rings. Michael jumps and yells, "Didn't you ever hear of vibrate?" And you can bet that…nah. Forget it. Too easy. The ringing from afar breaks Isabel out of her trance and back to remembering Jesse's existence. Meanwhile, Max picks up the call and finds Liz on the other end. Stupid cell phones. Liz is all snippity-snipping, "Flee meh meh meh" something something don't kill that poor schmuck he's a human. Michael tells Max to hang up the phone, and the world agrees that that's probably the best Liz-inhibiting method this show currently has to offer. So then, there's a no-brainer. Max tells Liz there can be no more chatting, but Liz has to tack on a thoroughly gaylord-ish, "Remember your father?" No, he has completely eliminated all memories of his lifelong paternal figure because it's been three weeks since he's lived at home. Because he has the long-term memory of a sparrow. Liz tells him in a hurry that Monopoly Nazi has been asking a lot of questions, but when Max notes that Isabel has disappeared, he hangs up on Liz because he has to be on the move. Because -- why, his cell phone cord isn't long enough? Walk and talk, genius.
Sexless Marriage Suite. Isabel opens the bathroom door and lets Jesse out. He asks what she did, and she lets slip a guilty, "Nothing!" To the door, Isabel. To the door. She lies that the front desk told her how to fix it, but he busts her for being outside because she has dirt on her feet, and she gets in even deeper with the fibs in telling him that's where she found a maintenance guy to help her. That is really the plot of this episode. My mother is sitting awake on Long Island right now, in tears because I'll be getting on a transcontinental flight before any of us sleeps again, and I'm painstakingly describing the quickest way to fix a melted-by-aliens broken bathroom doorknob. Nobody told me there'd be days like these. Anyway, Jesse just really, really, really wants to have sex already, so he lets the lie go without another question, picking Isabel up and throwing her on the bed. But she's still distracted. There's a knock on the door, and a voice calls out, "Room service." Why? WHY? Isabel insists that she'll get it, and the episode gets longer, the night grows lighter, and Jesse balls grow ever so much bluer. Isabel opens the door to find Max and Michael, Michael firing off a pretty good line with, "We're here to kill your boyfriend." Isabel looks confused. She shuts the door in their faces. She tells Jesse she needs him to get her a fruity drink from the bar. Whining happens. Jesse accepts grudgingly and takes off down the hall, and Isabel sneaks Max and Michael into her room and asks just what in the holy hell they're doing there. Isabel tells them she's got the whole thing under control, and Max tells her that they saw her with Khivar at the gazebo. At which point Isabel leans up against the pink door and sinks to the ground, throwing a totally non-sequitur conniption fit in which she grabs her head and yells, "Why is this happening to me? I'm married. I love Jesse. I love Khivar." Oh. She knows there's still a bit of Vilandra in her, and that she's vying for control with Vilandra. Max tells her that she's going to stay in the room with Jesse, but Isabel insists that they come up with this week's Official Wacky Caper immediately so that they know who needs to sneak surreptitiously into where. And the plan is that Isabel find Khivar and sneak him surreptitiously to a secluded location, where Max and Michael will kill him. Done. Think it will go wrong? I think it might just go wrong.
Jesse reappears then, fruity drink in hand, and Isabel sends him back to their bed to act out his one actual character development of "sit on bed, look lasciviously expectant." Which he really is doing to the best of his ability here. Isabel sneaks Max and Michael into the bathroom and then out of the bathroom. Then, a dream sequence. Isabel marches to the bed and admits to Jesse that she is an alien. She then calls Max and Michael out of hiding and has them corroborate this story. Jesse becomes afraid and tries to run away. Afraid of dream sequences, that is. Back at the pink door, Isabel tells Jesse that the oyster appetizer made her sick. Jesse takes a sip of the umbrella drink. I think he secretly knew it was for him all along.
There's a stain on his notebook / where your coffee cup was / Oh, there's ash in the pages / now I've got myself lost. Thanks to Squeeze for mentally accompanying this scene on the DJB Interior Monologue Soundtrack. And so it's sung for Slackjaw, who is sitting alone at the Crashdown after hours, a huge mug o' joe just staining notebooks with black coffee in bed. And so on. ["And that is seriously the steamiest damn cup of coffee I've ever seen in primetime." -- Sars] Slackjaw contemplates a business card and a cordless phone for a minute, before picking up tentatively and dialing the number. He seems really nervous. Pause. Pause. Pause. "Hi, Philip. It's Jeff." Did he just call the Roswell Glorified Extra Phone Sex Hotline, or what? I mean, I'm sure it's not the worst way for them to pull in a little cash on these here UPN salaries, but Slackjaw just seems so nervous about it. Either that or it's a straight-out booty call with Monopoly Nazi. Let's find out! "I'm sorry to call you so late, but, um, yeah. Look, Phil, there are some things that I remember. Where do you want to get together? Okay. Your office? Tomorrow? Yeah. Sure." He hangs up. Liz is hiding behind a door. It's where she's meant to be.
Morning in the Sexless Suite back at Khlub Khivar. Jesse and his armpits (what is with this show and the lingering pit shots?) wake up alone in bed, as Isabel slides out of the room focussed on the Wacky Caper at hand. And quite the frock she's wearing, one with fringe and flowers and nature-y things. ["Not so much with the support, though. Or the 'not worn by Beverly D'Angelo in Pacific Heights.' Or the 'non-fugly.'" -- Sars] She walks past a grassy knoll, nodding to Max and Michael as she passes, and Jesse runs up to them at that moment (fully clothed, natch) and asks what the hell. Michael molecularly manipulates a cart to fall in Jesse's path, allowing them free access to the open, grassy field that exists at Khlub Khivar just for the purpose of doing away with Khivar. Which sounds like an odd choice for Khivar to put at a resort named entirely in his honor.
Cut to an open field, Khivar standing close to Isabel and asking, "Have you made up your mind?" She has: "I'm coming with you." Max and Michael run, caper-like, and hide between a wall. Isabel khisses Khivar madly, which Max and Michael realize was not "part of the plan." And then betrayal, as Isabel quietly informs Khivar, "Max and Michael are here. They're gonna kill you." With a wave of the hand, Khivar melts the wall they were hiding behind. Michael tosses off a sarcastic "Thanks, Isabel." Isabel opens her eyes, which are all black and creepy and reintroduces herself for the none of you who may have forgotten: "Vilandra." Max and Michael advance, telling Khivar, "You're not taking Isabel anywhere." Khivar is unmoved, responding, "I'm not taking anyone anywhere, am I?" Max and Michael shout at her, but she's unresponsive, and Khivar begs, "Don't make her kill you again. So redundant." Interesting. I've been thinking that word quite a bit myself this evening. But wait! Just then, Michael "remembers something." Again, how convenient. And what he remembers is that Vilandra didn't kill anyone, but rather that Khivar did. "He betrayed you!" Interesting selective memory, Michael. Khivar lifts up a hand that tosses Michael into the bushes, and Khivar promises Vilandra, "No more troubles, I promise. You ready?" She is ready. Khivar, Isabel's hand still in his, steps forward into a clearing, raises up a hand, and creates a column of light and clouds that I guess is their new mode of transit home. Cool! It's like a mobile granolith. A Port-O-Lith, as it were. Max just looks at it as if wondering, "I'm knocking over convenience stores to find a fifty-year-old spaceship, when all I needed all along was an ethereal swell of music and a blouse that matched the surrounding fauna?" I'll bet he'd really like that, too. The blouse, I mean.
They walk toward the Port-O-Lith, but just at that moment, Jesse comes flying out of nowhere, taking Khevin down with a khry of, "Keep your hands off my wife." He then fells Khivar with the gory power of a really fake stage punch. Brutal, those. Khivar hits the dirt, and Jesse looks at Isabel and wonders what's what with her eyes. He begs her to talk to him, but she has no choice but to take him down with the force of a molecularly manipulated tree branch that slams him between the shoulder blades and knocks him unconscious. Isabel steps forward and notes, "If we're gonna go, we have to go now." She and Khivar stare up into the column, into the horrific face of terrible space CGI, and walks to the edge of the Port-O-Lith. Max pulls out one of history's greatest "nooooooooooo"s, and Isabel's eyes flicker at just the right moment. She pushes Khivar into the column and states as fact, "You come back, I'll kill you myself." And he's gone. Max and Michael rush to see if she's okay, Michael runs to rescue the kidnapped disappearing guy, and Isabel explains that Jesse saved her completely.
But not from the fact that this episode has been in the belabored process of ending for going on six hours now. Jesse wakes up in his bed at the Soon To No Longer Be Sexless Suite, and Isabel will only tell him that the man following them around was "a very dangerous man." Jesse conjures up memories of Max and Michael, but Isabel quickly quashes them as "ridiculous." Indeed, it is. Indeed, all of it so very much is.
Max and Michael leave. Max? Michael? LEAVE?
We miss the nature of the entire meeting, but we find new "friends" Slackjaw and Monopoly Nazi leaving Monopoly Nazi's office, Slackjaw asking, "So, Philip, what do you want to do about it?" But what are we looking for? "I don't know. I just hope I recognize it when I see it." And they're gone. Not a moment passes before Liz exits her new closet-y hiding place, examining the office for clues. Behind a bulleting board littered with legal briefs with words like "assets" scrawled across them, there's another hidden board with buzzwords written boldly on black magic marker. Words like "Liz" and "Tess" and "conspirators" and "Jeep is missing" and "Utah" and "Burns" and "Camping" and "What is Max hiding?" Utah?
Jesse and Isabel have had sex. Soon, I anticipate that they may have sex again. The credits and I concur that it seems best for us to leave that action where it is and at least sleep for a little while. Have a very pleasant Thanksgiving, everyone.