Hi, I'm Pamie. I'm filling in for Djb this week, as he's suddenly trapped under the heavy object known as a "workload." This promises to be a pretty interesting recap, as I've never seen this show before in my life. We'll look at it this way: what happens when someone sits down and watches Roswell for the first time in her life and it happens to be this episode? You get this recap. You know, it'll just be a little experiment for those of you who love this show and have watched it for years. It has been on for years, right? Amazing. Okay. Deep breath. Here goes.
Oh, by the way? I've never watched a show on the UPN before. Isn't this the Sci-Fi channel?
Previously on Roswell: Parents forbid a dark-haired girl from being able to see Max anymore. This same male parental unit then threatens a boy, who I'm assuming is Max. Max looks like he used to sing for Toad the Wet Sprocket. A blonde confesses that she can "go into people's heads while they're sleeping." She touches a yearbook photo of one Alex Whitman, and the image gets all watery and blurry. Wait. Maybe that's this crappy videotape. Nope. Alex Whitman then has a dream where he's dancing with a blonde in a fancy dress while another blonde watches. Cut to this Alex person asking Isabel Evans (thanks for the full name, Alex. It helps this early on) if she'll go to the prom with him. Then it might be a shot of those two kissing at a prom, but if that's the case, then Alex decided to go to the prom dressed as a priest. Cut to a car crash, with police investigating. The angry father from the beginning of this section announces that Alex is dead. Dammit! He's the only one I know for sure so far. Isabel cries on Alex's casket. End of "previously."
We open with what I think might be porn. Two young, pretty kids are making out at what sounds like a dance. Thighs are stroked. Upper lips are sweaty. Tongues touch. The girl closes her eyes and looks like she's far, far away, which means she must be close to having a television representation of an orgasm. Pan back so we can see that the two are still clothed, but they're alone in a room that's decorated like a Halloween party. They aren't in costume, I don't think.
Okay, that scene just fades away, and now we watch the same girl in a different outfit walk down a street. Does Roswell always open with a make-out scene? Will that make sense to me later? We'll find out. Okay, I think this girl has just spotted the guy she was making out with earlier. They're walking in opposite directions on either side of this street and there are people all around, but they're only looking at each other. In most shows I normally recap, someone should walk face-first into a pole right about now. Nope, that girl just walked right by one. They both just look like they're thinking dirty thoughts.
What is happening? Cut to a movie theater marquee that reads, "Roswell Revival. The Best Years Of Our Lives." Is this the opening credits? No. The slutty-thoughts girl walks up to the box office and buys a ticket. She enters the show already in progress, and the camera pans over to her already sitting with the slutty-thought man from across the street. She's in tears watching the screen. He actually hands her a handkerchief at this moment. A real handkerchief. Do you know a man alive that's not your grandfather that still carries a handkerchief? Anyway, both slutty-thought girl and I laugh simultaneously. She refolds the handkerchief to avoid all of his snot and dabs at the corner of her eye where there are no tears.
They're already changing the marquee to something about Paris as SluttyCouple walks out of the theater spoiling the ending of "Roswell Revival." Apparently "she" married him at the end. SlutMan says it's because she loved him. Oh, wow. These are the first lines of the episode. No wonder Djb recaps this thing. Just bad music and mime. Anyway, Slutette says, "She did, she really, really loved him." SlutMan adds that "he" was "damaged," but "she" still loved him. They go on about how great the female protagonist is and how beautiful of a person she is to love someone so damaged. Slutette says she loves old movies. She wishes that real life could be like the old movies, where everything works out perfectly and the guy always gets the girl. They stop walking and face each other. "It can be like that," he says, reading from his Cliché Handbook. He laughs awkwardly and walks away from her. She rocks back and forth, watching him leave her. Is that where she lives? Across the street from the theater? She just keeps standing there, staring. Okay, I guess we'll leave her there, just like my parents did to me when I was five and wouldn't follow them in the grocery store anymore.
Pan down from a clock to a giant black void for fifteen seconds before finding a photo strip of this same couple we've been following all this time. She's in his lap and he's holding her, smiling. Pan down to smiling, kissing, smiling. It's the girl, and she's on her stomach in bed, staring at the strip of photographs, biting on her pinkie nail with her feet crossed at the ankles like any good community theater director would have her blocked. She does her best WWAJD here (What Would Ashley Judd Do?) and stares straight out with her hand under her chin as she thinks really hard about something we aren't clued in on, but I'm guessing from the context of this show that she's an alien and she's in love with this guy and she's wondering if she can tell him she's an alien and he'll still care for her or if he'll run screaming. Am I close? And I'm just taking a wild stab here, but isn't that probably the basic conflict of eight out of ten of these episodes? AshleyJudd/Slutette then touches the photograph of her and SlutMan kissing, and it warbles like a puddle. She keeps staring straight out, panting just slightly, as I start to notice she also looks like Kari Wuhrer. She closes her eyes.
Fade to scary stop-action slow-motion jerky camera work not seen since the terror of HBO's The Hitchhiker. SlutMan is sleeping with his mouth open, thrashing slightly as if he's in a bad dream. Sound of someone gasping, bright flashing light, rapid flashes between SlutMan and Slutette… the Eiffel Tower, for some reason...kissing…Paris stuff…kissing…bright light and negative exposure of film, causing me to squint…and then the screen turns to red as birds fly out from under the Eiffel Tower. Music plays as Slutette sits at a tiny dinner table and watches herself make out with SlutMan right in front of her. The Kissing-Slutette and Slutman stand in front of an open window, dressed all lovely, kissing some more. Is this a joke? Did Djb slip me a Red Shoe Diaries? I call him here to make sure. He tells me that if I'm looking at a blonde and Tom Hanks's son, then I'm doing the right episode. I'm looking at a brunette with short hair and some Enrique-Iglesias-looking dude. Djb tells me that it's probably the right episode, and this girl is probably someone named Isabel. Is this show always this difficult week after week? Do y'all get lost watching it? Okay, so SlutMan gets down on one knee here as the Eiffel Tower is CGIed into the background. He opens a tiny black box and offers an engagement ring. He calls her Isabel here (go, go, Djb) and asks her to marry him. The non-kissing, voyeur Slutette girl gasps, as if she's not controlling this dream sequence. The one that is being manipulated then stammers for a second, and then accepts the proposal.
Slutette wakes up on her bed, her hand still under her chin. Just a little wedding proposal catnap. Does this show even have opening credits? Isabel (since I know her name, now) then says, "Oh, my God!" She thinks for a second and then says, "Oh, my God." Brilliance.
Dido? They are still using this song? Oh, it's like this show's stuck in the past or something. Wow.
Close-up on the diamond ring. It's Isabel, standing in front of a jewelry store window, staring at the ring she almost had in her dreamlife. Some guy says over her shoulder that he's only been gone a couple of days and already she's looking at wedding rings. She laughs, turns around, and asks where he's been. "If only you loved me this much when I was alive," he says. Oh, it's Alex from the "Previously" section, right? Tom Hanks's kid that Djb warned me about? Isabel goes, "Alex!" and walks off. Alex repeats that he's just kidding as he follows her.
Diner. The girl that can't see Max spins an order wheel and orders chili and a hot dog. Her demanding father asks if she also wants fries. "Did I say fries?" she asks. They make faces at each other until the girl leaves. A blonde walks up and makes another order, and then we follow her back to the brunette with the attitude. She says that she works there too and that the brunette is making her miserable. The brunette wishes she could get fired, because she's spending all of her time in the diner and will probably die of grease soon. I didn't make that up. She said she'll die of grease by the end of the week. Does grease hurt aliens? ["That one's not an alien. The 'actress,' however, could probably do with a little WD-40, even if it's the homemade kind that they scrape off the grill." -- Sars] The brunette says she's under constant threat of getting sent to boarding school. The blonde reminds her that she and Max robbed a convenience store. The brunette says they didn't exactly rob a convenience store. The blonde shakes her head. Her nametag says "Maria." This is how I'm learning names. There's a waitress in the back wearing silver dealy-bobs in her hair. Is that how we know she's an alien?
Alex and Isabel are walking down an alley. Alex tells Isabel that she's only known "this guy" about two months. I thought he'd only been dead two days? Isabel says she doesn't want to talk about it right now. She says his name is -- Gladys? Alex says he can't get jealous since he's dead. Isabel stops walking, turns around, and says that Gladys is the first person she's ever felt this way about. She can picture herself being with him forever. Alex says that stings a little bit, and the powers that be decide that Isabel's reaction shot here is a good enough way to end the scene.
Diner. Maria fills tiny glasses of juice. She stops, smirks, and we pan over to see a guy with long hair lumber up. I think he's a cop, based on the half-hearted uniform he's wearing. Or a security guard. He kisses Maria and tells her he had an "endless" night. Yeah, he's a security guard. She asks him if he's still up for Saturday, which is their date night. Oh, the mark of an unsuccessful relationship -- having to plan one day of the week to spend some time together. LongHair asks what day it currently is. It's Thursday. She says he needs sleep. He whispers that he needs pancakes. From across the room someone shouts, "Hey, pancakes sound good! Make that two with coffee." Aliens sure can hear good. A pack of security guards walks in and sits around LongHair, continuing their orders. LongHair's happy to see these guys. Maria isn't. LongHair orders coffee, because The Guys are drinking coffee. Maria (or is it Mara?) mommies LongHair and says if he plans on sleeping, he probably shouldn't have any coffee. LongHair doesn't want to look uncool around the T-Birds, and asks for cream with his coffee. Maria walks away, extending both hands to show us, "Whatever. I hate him." The camera almost slams her in the face as she picks up some discarded plates and runs into Isabel.
Maria asks if she can help her. Isabel says she's just picking some food up. The security guards laugh, and this causes Isabel to laugh at them as if she can hear their joke. I don't know what's going on here. Maria asks if Isabel wants a drink with her order. She doesn't, but she instead asks, "If Michael proposed, would you say yes?" I'm assuming LongHair is Michael. Maria's answer is to dump both plates she's holding to the ground so that they shatter. The security guards all applaud, with LongHair -- excuse me -- Michael opening his arms like Jesus at the Last Supper ordering them to stop applauding at his woman. Maria asks Isabel if there's something she should know. Please, please tell her now. Isabel lies and says that she was just taking a survey for her sociology class. Maria exhales and says, "So, a community college wants to know if I'd marry an alien?" Hee. I bet you guys get that joke every other week on this show. Aliens sweat a lot, because this Isabel is wet all the time. Isabel mumbles something about the alien part not being an issue. She asks how long society thinks people should be together before they get married. Maria's covered in lip gloss. She asks if the couple is in true love. Isabel says they hypothetically were. Either that, or she said, "Since they had sex, they were." I can't tell because she mumbles. Maria asks if the couple knew from the first time they met that they were supposed to be together. Isabel says that they hypothetically did. Maria says that from the first second of the second date, they're free to tie the knot. Or something like that. Second man? I don't know. Cue the spit take. LongHair Michael spits orange juice across his table, and the security guards freak out. Michael smacks himself in the chest and opens his mouth wide enough that I can see his alien organs. Maria turns back to Isabel and admits that she's just a hopeless romantic. End of lengthy scene.
Okay, I guess that Gladys is a lawyer. He's walking up some stairs with an older gentleman, discussing the fact that Roswell isn't a hotbed of legal activity. The older man asks if it's a woman keeping Gladys in town. They walk into the law office to find Isabel sitting on a desk, all perched up like she wasn't sitting there posing. Dead Alex shadows her in the back near a window, reminding us that he can't be seen by anyone but Isabel because he's dead. The older gentleman hugs Isabel and asks what she's doing there. Isabel has brought them lunch. The older man hugs Isabel and calls her his little angel, so I can figure out that he's her father. And am I mistaken, or did he say that Gladys was middle-aged with two kids, or does he have two kids? Does it matter? Most likely not. Isabel complains that they screwed up the order, giving her a cucumber sub with hummus and lentil soup instead of what she ordered. Aliens are good at identifying food without having to actually look at it. Wait, is her dad an alien too? Can he see Alex standing by the window? AlienDad says he's going door to get a chicken wing, and asks Gladys if he wants anything. Gladys points at Isabel and says, "I'll take that if you don't want it." "You're a brave, brave man," AlienDad replies. He laughs and leaves.
Gladys takes the Middle Eastern food and tells Isabel that she's clever. Isabel says she wanted to speak to him alone. Alex looks on from the window, reminding us that she's not technically alone. Gladys says that she's both risky and sexy and immediately starts kissing her teeth. "Wow," Alex says, as Isabel continues to make out in front of what I'm assuming is her ex-boyfriend. Jesse. She just said his name. Where did I hear "Gladys"? ["Because his last name is 'Ramirez,' maybe? I don't know." -- Sars] Anyway, they both want to speak to each other about something. Isabel says that if they're going to stay in a relationship, it needs to be "about now" and she can't promise any future. "Cool," Jesse responds. She asks what he was going to say to her. He admits that it was pretty much the opposite. "Miss Evans, I want to love you with the lights on," he says. "Kinky," Alex says, doing his best impression of his father. "Metaphorically speaking," Jesse continues. He says that even though they've only known each other for a little while, he feels like he knows everything about her and…oh, I just got the beginning part. She could see his dream. So he was dreaming that they were in Paris and he proposed. I can't imagine any man ever would dream of dancing in front of a window in Paris and then getting on one knee to propose. That man is gay. Jesse says he's proud to know and love Isabel, and he doesn't want to hide it anymore. "S'guy's good," Alex mumbles. Isabel smiles and ends the scene.
Isabel's sitting Forrest Gump-style on a bench. "I'm cursed," she says. A minivan passes and Alex appears out of nowhere, sitting to her, reminding her how life is like a box of chocolates. He says she's not cursed. Isabel counters, "Look what happened to you. You were killed by an alien." That's hysterical. Hilarious. She says another guy she was semi-involved with was killed by a hideous alien jellyfish thing. Y'all. This show? I don't believe it. Alex reminds her that dreams aren't real and that Jesse was just letting a thought pass through his head. It doesn't mean he's going to propose. Isabel stares across the street, where we see Jesse slowly, suspiciously, and awkwardly walk into the jewelry store where Isabel's ring sits.
Isabel stands at the jewelry store window and watches Jesse buy the ring. Can she make herself invisible because she's an alien?
Two teens are dressed in black. One is Max; the other is the girl with the attitude problem from the diner. Still don't know her name. She tells Max that she wants to move out. Max says he knows. She wants to live together. He says he'd want to do it for the right reasons. He says it's too expensive and her family would be destroyed. Liz. Her name is Liz. She says that her family is destroying the two of them. Her father, anyway. She says she can't help him find his child if she can't be with him. I rewound and checked. That's really what she said. Max says she is with him. "All the time. All the time." They hug. It's very Jump Street.
Liz sneaks back into her house just in time to catch the end of Clichéd Parental Discussion About Daughter Not Being Little Girl Anymore, including the gem, "Is this about Elizabeth, or is this about you?" Elizabeth listens, pouting near brick. Pouting Near Brick is the name of my third jazz album.
Back at the movie theater again. Same movie, I think. Oh, I get it. The movie theater is called "Roswell Revival," and tonight's movie is An American In Paris. Alex tells Isabel that if Jesse pulls a ring from his pocket, she shouldn't get all weak in the knees. She asks him not to go. He says she's on her own. Do other people see her speaking to nobody? "Eye of the tiger," Alex says. "You can do this. Just say no." He walks off, mumbling more catch phrases from the '80s. Jesse walks up and says he thought they were supposed to meet in the balcony. "Aren't we being a little risky?" he asks her. Isabel tries to cry here and then admits, "I can't do this." Jesse asks if someone found out. Isabel says, "They never will," and tries to walk away. Jesse pulls her back by the arm and tells her to hold on. He says they're just starting. Isabel tells him not to call her or to try to reach her in any way. Jesse asks again what happened, and Isabel tells him to let her go. Jesse gives a horrible line reading on: "Whatever happened, listen to me. Whatever, whatever happened, we'll get through it." That comma before "listen to me" is because he read it like one sentence instead of an interruption. She says they'll get through it if they're apart. Jesse goes on reading from every script ever about a break-up, demanding an explanation, telling Isabel that she owes him that much. She says this is going nowhere. She says she's eighteen and wants to go to college and wants a life. She rocks back and forth as her mouth doesn't fit her words. She tells Jesse that he graduated Harvard Law and could be working for the most prestigious law firm in the country, but he came here to visit his mother and then he never left. So, he's supposed to be, like, thirty-five or something? She says if he stays there, he's throwing his future away because they don't have a future. Jesse says he loves her. She says, "You can't. So don't. Just don't." And with that, Isabel gives a mighty exhale and walks away. Old Jesse just stands there, wondering what case set the precedent that aliens can't break up with middle-aged high-class lawyers. Meyers v. Voltron, I do believe, based on The Starman Case.
Isabel walks through the rain to sad music, because that's what happens when you break up. She finds dead Alex and holds him as she sobs. Issues, y'all. Fade to commercial.
Luckily everyone's blue collar, wearing their nametags in this show. We're at some guy named Kyle's house. He's quickly jamming his wallet and glasses into his pockets. He opens the curtains over his door and finds Isabel standing there, all covered in tears. He gets spooked, and asks if she knocked. She says she didn't. "So you're lurking now?" he asks. She starts crying, and he lets her in. Hee. He goes, "What happened? You want some water or something?" Now that's how a man handles crying girls. Thank you for some reality. I bet he's an alien. He goes, "Sit. Down. You wanna…talk about it…or?" She says she doesn't. She keeps sobbing and asks if he's late for work. He says to screw that and asks again what happened. She sobs and moans that she broke up with Jesse because there's no way she can drag him into this. Kyle sits down and sighs. He asks what she's afraid of. I think she's afraid he'll be eaten by a jellyfish alien and then haunt her like the son of Tom Hanks. That's just a guess. I mean, I've never seen this show before, Kyle, if that's your real name, but that's my immediate hunch. Dead boyfriends due to angry aliens with jelly. Kyle says that nobody that she's shared this with has run from her. "Let him in. Let him deal with it," he says. Isabel says she made a pact with herself after Alex died not to let anyone else in ever. Kyle says she should talk to Jesse and he'd probably understand. She laughs. He laughs.
LongHair Michael eats chicken all gross-like. With a mouthful, he tells Max that he can't move in with Liz, because he'd have to move out of state to avoid Liz's father and then he'd be kidnapping her. He jokes that he probably shouldn't add that to the armed robbery charges. I can't hear anything Max mumbles, by the way. Michael asks Max if he wants a Snapple. Maria comes marching into the house, asking where Michael was. She says they were supposed to have lunch at school together today. These kids go to school? What school? High school? Michael says he thought they were supposed to get together Saturday. He asks what day it is. She goes, "Hello, it's Friday! Where are you?" He says, "I'm right here! Where's Saturday?" And then they pause, which I guess means they're holding for laughter, and that's what actually makes me laugh. Maria looks over at Max and says without any sign of humor, "What are you guys saving the world from alien invasion?" Since there are already aliens in the room, doesn't that mean it's too late to save the world from an alien invasion? Max mumbles, "My necky thread," and walks out of the room. Maria sits down and watches Michael eat chicken. That chicken-eating is terrifying. Maria's wearing so much lip gloss that it's possible her lips might slide right off her face. Maria starts yelling at Michael that he's always sleeping or at work or getting ready to sleep or getting ready to go to work. She says that even when he's with her, he's not with her. Man, where's all the alien stuff? Where are the cheap special effects and horrible sci-fi plots? Michael says that everything he's doing is to be a better person for her. She says she wants some of his time. She asks him to wash his sheets before tomorrow night's Date Night. He says tomorrow will be fun. He promises. She makes him promise-promise. She asks for a Snapple. Does Snapple have something to do with being an alien, or do they just pay lots of money for this show? ["The best stuff is in here." -- Sars] Michael stops in front of the fridge and lets his mouth drop open as music from WarGames or Ferris Bueller's Day Off starts playing. A Post-It on the fridge reads "BOWLING LEAGUE SAT. NIGHT" Oh, the Post-It of doom! How will he do both in one night? Doesn't a league play every week? How would he need a Post-It to remember that? Michael counters the noise he makes by saying he doesn't know if he has a cold Snapple. He crumples the Post-It note and says he has a cold Snapple. End of scene. Great.
High school. I'll be damned. Max and Liz are cutting class, sitting in a closet somewhere. They're talking about Liz's dad. Liz says that last night her parents were arguing about her. She says she didn't know that he had another side to him. Max asks what she's talking about, and Liz says she doesn't want to tell Max what it is, for some reason. Then they get busted by a teacher. Y'all, they were in the Eraser Room. This high school has an entire room dedicated to erasers. Hilarious. The teacher, who is the first person I've seen who actually looks like an alien, tells the kids to quit "steaming up the windows" and get out of there. Liz pouts off. "Bad move, Max," the teacher says. Max says they were just talking. "Planning a bank heist?" the teacher asks, and then leaves. So, I guess this Max and Liz robbed something together recently? Did they go to jail? Yeah, I remember the parents saying that Liz was in jail.
Isabel is talking to her parents, telling them that Max is now living with Michael. Or "crashing," as she puts it. Isabel's dad is asking if Max is paying rent, and Isabel says she doesn't want to talk about it anymore. Me either. Isabel's dad announces that Jesse is leaving and now he has to look for another lawyer. Part of this scene is filmed on the other side of glass, for some reason, and there are sparkles and reflections all over the place. Isabel's dad says that Jesse's moving back to New York. He says Jesse just walked out this afternoon. Isabel mumbles that she forgot some books at school and stammers out. Mom asks about dinner, and Isabel says she'll be back. She just leaves, just like that. I'd be so grounded. Are all of them aliens?
I like to watch one commercial round when I see a new show to find out what demographic I'm in. According to this, the UPN thinks that if you like Roswell, you want to see Snoop Dogg's new movie, need Arrid XX for your stinky pits, eat M&M's and find those candy things funny, want to play the Nintendo Gamecube, shop at IKEA, drink Slim Fast, and shouldn't take drugs in front of younger siblings.
Diner. Maria asks Liz how she's doing since she ordered a cottage cheese milkshake. Liz says she doesn't know if she's "mad or insane or what." Maria asks what she's mad about. Liz says she's mad about impotence. She says she feels powerless and wonders if she should pull the plug on life. I don't understand. Maria's all, "Suicide?" and Liz is all, "Would you stop?" She's mad at everyone and yelling about something as Max walks into the diner and Liz's dad shouts, "No, you don't!" from behind the kitchen counter. Max walks up and says he needs to speak to him for a second. The dad tells him to leave and starts to get pushy, so Liz jumps between them and tells her father to stop. Max says he's leaving anyway. He does. Liz's dad is scary-looking. "I hate you," she says to him, and leaves. Which one's the alien there?
Isabel has gone to see Jesse's mom. There's a tiny ice-cream cart behind her so you know Jesse's mom lives in the suburbs. She introduces herself, and MamaJesse invites her in. DeadAlex hides behind a tree for some reason as Isabel and Jesse walk through Jesse's backyard. Jesse's wearing a white tank top. Jesse shows Isabel his mother's garden. "My mom's pride and joy," he says. "I thought that'd be you," Isabel says. "No, I don't bend easy enough at the waist," Jesse says. What the fuck does that mean? He's not a plant? He's not a girl? He's not a dancer? He's not a prostitute? Jesse says they should talk. The music never stops here as Isabel says she doesn't want to lose him, even though she broke up with him. They hug. He asks her out for dinner tomorrow night. "Dinner?" she asks. He says they both need to lay their cards on the table. Isabel looks very far away, but there's no television orgasm this time.
Isabel is all gussied up, so I guess it's the night, and now she wants advice from Max and LongHair Michael, who are playing foosball in Michael's apartment. Just imagine that Max is Joey, Michael is Chandler, and Isabel's Rachel and you can see what they're trying to do here. Isabel stops the game and says that there's someone she wants to tell about them. Jesse Ramirez, the lawyer that works for her dad. She says they've gotten close. They're involved. Michael asks if she's pregnant. Isabel indignantly says that she's not, and that they haven't even slept together. I guess they just make out all the time. "Has he seen you use your powers?" Michael asks, and I start laughing. Michael should use his powers to get that thing removed from his eyebrow. Max asks why she needs to tell him. She says she wants to tell him because she loves him and she wants him to know her. Michael shakes his head. She says it's humiliating to have to come here and ask for their permission to have an open and honest discussion with her boyfriend. Michael congratulates her on finding a great guy and then tells her to lie about herself. He walks away. "He's gonna leave, Max," he says. If she's not honest with him, he'll leave. Max asks how long they've been together. Now it's been three months. She says she knows him and this is the first time she's ever been in love and if she loses him she doesn't know what she's doing on Earth. What are they doing there on Earth? She says that Max has Liz and Michael has Maria and this is the first time she's had someone. What about Alex? Max asks what will happen if they break up. Isabel says they won't break up. Max says that right now he's not so sure it was the best idea to tell Liz that he's an alien. It's screwing up her life. Isabel says that no matter how much it screws up her life, at least they have each other and that's the most important thing. Max says they agreed not to tell anyone else about this after Alex died so that nobody else was at risk. She'll be changing Jesse's life forever, making him a part of something he never asked to be a part of.
Bowling night. Maria is pissed. Michael eats, saying he thought Maria liked the tuna melts at the bowling alley. Michael forgot to clean the sheets, too. Maria is pissed. She says it's been two years and he's still not getting it. Someone announces that the lights are on outside on a Ford Festiva. Michael acts like he's got a stomach cramp and excuses himself. Maria sits, mouth agape, and then gives her straw a blowjob.
Isabel and Jesse are on their date. She's cold, so he gives her his jacket. This show is really long, y'all. How do you do it every week? Jesse leaves to check on the wait. Isabel puts her hand in his jacket pocket and finds the tiny box with the ring. She's all shocked. I don't know how she's shocked. And I don't know why he'd give her the jacket unless he wanted her to find the ring in the pocket. Commercial. Oh, please, this show needs to end soon. My soul is screaming.
Can I go back to calling him Gladys? Jesse walks back to Isabel and says it'll be a forty-minute wait. He knows a new French place he's been wanting to try. The Eiffel. She's all stammery and strange. She says, "Let's go."
Back at the bowling alley, Michael asks Maria if she wants anything else. "Yeah," she says. "Anything but this." They announce for the owner of the Ford Festiva to go outside again. This time the trunk is open and the jack is showing. Michael laughs and leaves to go bowl his round. Maria is shocked that he's leaving again. Michael says he has to "hit the head," because he thinks he has a bladder infection. Am I trapped in a '70s sitcom? Because that's where this storyline is from.
Michael runs up to his friends, who are still laughing about the "jack is showing" joke they made. They hand Michael his bowling shirt. They ask how Date Night is going. He says he'll be lucky if she ever talks to him again. Michael sits down to Kyle. Kyle holds bowling balls up like they are boobs and asks, "Are these yours?" Does this mean I get to stop recapping this episode now? I do, right? Michael slaps the ball away and asks what's happening. Someone tells him that he's losing as someone else polishes Michael's ball. Someone else entirely tells him that this is the final frame, and if Michael gets a strike here, they will "win this motherfucker." For real, he just said "motherfucker." They know that nobody is watching this show and they can get away with that. I heard it. He said "motherfucker." Michael takes the ball and stands up. Kyle tells him to remember not to do any alien funny business. Michael stands to bowl just as Maria walks over and sees him. She's open-mouthed and shocked. Michael bowls a strike. The league rejoices. Michael looks up and sees Maria. She's not happy. He walks over to her. She pouts. He says he double-booked and made a mistake. She tells him to shut up. She says the other day at the diner, they were all there, and Michael was laughing with his friends, and Isabel asked if that was Michael laughing. Oh. Maria says that Michael never laughs like that when he's with her. She says that something happened right then. He's got friends, and that's important. She says she's an idiot for wanting so much of his time because it's important for him to have friends because they make him happy and she wants him to be happy because she loves him. Oh, this is BULLSHIT. She's happy that he's got friends and is choosing them over her? She says that he's not in trouble, but he's got to make up for their date tonight. He kisses her on the cheek and hugs her. Okay. Forget it. This show is for people in grade school.
Liz finds her mother, and they have a conversation I can't understand about doing something tonight and what Dad will think, and it must involve this black wig sitting there, but I don't know how. Her mom says this isn't Liz's fault. Liz asks what's going on. Her mother closes the bedroom door and walks over to her. She sits down all important-like and says that when Liz's father was seventeen, he was trouble and her parents hated him. He broke into people's homes. He had a girlfriend that he loved very much and everyone thought they'd end up together, but they didn't. He wrote her beautiful poetry. I don't know why they added that. He was driving drunk one night and had an accident and she died. He's never forgiven himself and now he's terrified that Max will get Liz killed. I'm not even going to comment.
Fancy French place. Alex is against the wall, listening to Isabel. Isabel's freaking out in the bathroom. Alex tells her that she didn't ruin his life, even though she got him killed. Isabel is covered in glitter. Maybe that's why she always looks so sweaty. She doesn't know what to do when Jesse proposes. Alex tells Isabel to forgive herself. He forgives her and since he's part of her, she just did. Isabel stares off into nothing.
Empty diner. Liz's dad sits at a table, doing receipts. Liz walks over and asks if he needs help. He nods and says he does. Liz sits and doesn't offer to turn off the bad music, surprisingly. She asks to read some of his poems. He says he threw them away. It was a long time ago. She asks if he could write a new one. She says she doesn't hate him. He says, "You're the poem, Liz. You're the poem." What's with all of the repeating of lines on this show? Liz smiles.
French proposal. Isabel keeps drinking. Jesse says that he can't do this anymore. He can't be with her like this. There are things she doesn't want and things he does want and they're lying to each other thinking they're going to fake their way through all of this. She asks if he wants out. He says he does. She pulls out the ring and asks what it's for. He says it's his mother's ring, and she asked him to hock it but he just couldn't once he got to the jeweler's. Why does Isabel's hair still look wet? They start laughing as they realize they're also trapped in a '70s sitcom plotline. "No wonder you looked so pale!" he laughs. So, I guess they broke up? Jesse says that Isabel was right about most of what she said when she broke up with him, but she was wrong about one thing: "And that's the fact that I would gladly live anywhere and do anything if it meant being with you. I've never met anyone like you before. And I've never felt this way about anyone. So, God help me, but, here goes. Isabel Evans, will you marry me?" Isabel looks around all teary and whispers, "I can't. I really, really want to. I really want to. But I can't. I'm so sorry." He says it's okay. "I didn't mean for you to…I," Isabel says. Jesse says it's okay, and excuses himself to leave. He says goodbye and walks off, leaving her with the check. DeadAlex is suddenly there and yells, "Go! Go to him! Isabel, will you look at what you're doing to your life? You're stopping it. You're killing it!" Sitting here, doing this recap, it's like DeadAlex is talking right to me now. "You're, you're, you're sitting at a table with no one. I'm not really here. You need to move on. You need to move past me and you need to start now." Isabel says that if she has a son, she's naming him Alex. Okay, that came from nowhere. Alex thanks her and yells for her to go.
Isabel jumps up and knocks over a waiter and his tray. She runs out of there, with nobody paying the check. She falls into some mud and has to take off her shoes. She runs over to Jesse and says, "Okay." He's all, "Okay, what?" She says that she'll marry him. She says she knows she forced him to propose and then turned him down, but she does want to be with him and he doesn't know everything about her because she's young but she's not really young but she really wants to be with him so he should say something here. He says he'd like to kiss her in public this time. "Please do," she says. They kiss as the spinny cam catches her television orgasm. Jesse tells Isabel that he loves her. Isabel sees DeadAlex, and they stare at each other for a long time before DeadAlex fades away with a wave so that Isabel can transfer all of her emotional baggage to her new fiancé.
week looks like what I thought Roswell was: an X-Files rip-off with Wallace Shawn and I think George Lucas. See? Shout-out to L.A. Comedy and aliens. I got gypped this week.