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Mark Antony's been in Egypt long enough to have had a couple of kids with Cleopatra, start wearing eyeliner, and turn into a crack whore like his new girlfriend. Yet he still dreams of returning to and ruling Rome. To that end, he's trying to provoke a war with Octavian by holding back grain shipments, and all of Rome is hungry. But the people blame Octavian for the famine, just because he's in charge and everybody loves Antony. Octavian sends Julii Cooper and Octavia to Egypt, ostensibly to try to reason with him, but really it's win-win for Octavian: he either gets the grain, or Antony publicly repudiates his wife and lover and loses the support of the Roman people. Antony does the latter, making his women bake in the sun outside until he sends Vorenus out to turn them away. Julii Cooper's seriously pissed, especially when Posca and Jocasta decide to stow away with them on their ship back to Rome. Once they all get back, Posca supplies Octavian with Antony's will, in which he declares himself Cleopatra's husband and bequeaths her Rome and the West. And now Octavian has his motivation -- and unanimous public support -- for his war. He asks Pullo to accompany him east so that he and Vorenus might mediate between the two parties, but Pullo's got some business to take care of at home first. While he's saying goodbye to Gaia (now his lover), his hairy, tongueless pet Memmio escapes from his cage in the Collegium basement and ends up mortally wounding her. Gaia makes a deathbed confession regarding the murder of Eirene, so Pullo strangles her and defiles her corpse. He'll be in a great mood when he gets to meet his son Caesarion week. Oh, and there's way too much sex again. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Somewhere in Alexandria, Egypt, Vorenus lies awake in bed in the morning light. A woman with a curly mane of luxurious black hair is lying with her back to him. He gently wakes her, and Niobe rolls over and smiles at him, beautiful as ever. Which would explain why Indira Varma's name was in this week's opening credits. Instead of recoiling in horror at this vengeful revenant from the realm of the undead, Vorenus kisses her. But when he pulls back, she scowls and spews out something in a harsh-sounding language and an even harsher voice, like she's possessed. But the subtitles inform us that she's only telling him, "Took the sheet again, you hairy bastard." Vorenus finally wakes up enough to realize that he's in bed not with his resurrected wife, but with a hideous bald prostitute. Yikes. She sits up, complaining about his bad dreams, and plops her wig on her head. Top of the morning to you, too, lady. They climb out of bed and go to their respective basins. Yeah, good luck washing that sight out of your eyes, Vorenus. I don't think they've invented bleach yet, and even if they have, it's not going to be enough.
Vorenus heads out into the busy streets of Alexandria in his full Roman armor, tying his prefect's helmet on. The citizens nod respectfully to him as he passes. This is either because Romans in Egypt at this time enjoy special status, or because Vorenus has already scared the hell out of everyone in Egypt. I'm telling you right now that he's the only person in Roman armor we'll see all episode. He walks along the shore, turns right at the docks, and walks right into the royal compound as the gates are opened for him.
Inside the antechamber to the throne room, Vorenus finds Posca reclining on a couch with his hennaed feet up and his lips wrapped around a hookah. Posca is surprised to see that Vorenus has already finished his "monthly debauch." Rocking some thick Egyptian-style eyeliner, Posca claims that he's only smoking to settle his nerves. Vorenus asks where Antony is, and Posca says that he's physically in the throne room, having an audience with a Senator Bibulus and a delegation from Rome. As for why Posca's not in there with him, he says it's because Cleopatra growled at him, and he doesn't want to get killed. As Vorenus heads disapprovingly into the throne room, Posca claims, "It's not cowardice. Who would look after my wife?" That seems a little backward; I'd rather lose Jocasta than Posca any day.
In the throne room, Antony -- also working the hell out of the eyeliner look -- is giving Cleopatra, her court, and the Roman delegation a demonstration of hunting techniques. And also, simultaneously, a demonstration of how much he enjoys making out with Cleopatra, which seems to be quite a lot indeed. He's got a slave draped in a deer's head and pelt, and he makes the slave crawl up to a bowl of water on the floor like a buck taking a drink. While Antony aims a bow and arrow at him. Antony lets fly, but the arrow is either dull or not very fast, because it bounces off the leather armor they've deigned to allow the slave to wear. The court applauds Antony's marksmanship. Wearing an early version of Princess Leia's slave girl outfit, Cleopatra gets up into Antony's lap to take her turn. Just can't wait to wrap her fingers around that shaft. Bibulus, looking very formal in this debauched setting in his red-and-white Senator's robes, tries to get back to his point. Antony and Cleopatra rudely shush him so as not to scare the fake deer. Cleopatra takes a shot and hits a vase instead. She angrily claims that "the beast moved" (which is why she missed by two yards instead of five feet and eleven inches), and Antony gives her another arrow so that can try again. As she nocks it, Bibulus offers double the usual price for the grain shipment if Antony guarantees delivery to Rome in the month. Cleopatra's second arrow hits the wall in front of the terrified slave, and she demands, "Triple." Bibulus quickly agrees. So then Cleopatra demands, on top of the inflated price, Carthage for Antony. Bibulus reluctantly says that's possible. Antony smirks that Octavian must be desperate. Bibulus peevishly says that people are starving to death in Rome, and that Octavian will do what it takes to prevent more suffering. Cleopatra mockingly says that Octavian loves the people, and Antony gets to be her straight man, saying that nobody loves Octavian: "He could feed the people larks and oysters till they burst, and they would still love me more. Isn't that right, Vorenus?" Vorenus dutifully agrees. Bibulus just wants to be sure that they have an agreement, and Antony confirms it: "Triple rates, and Carthage. And Spain." Cleopatra gives him this hilarious "Whoa, get you!" face as Bibulus sputters that Antony's not getting Spain. Antony says there's no deal as Cleopatra looses her third arrow; this one goes right into the slave's neck. Antony congratulates his lover fulsomely: "Venison for dinner, then?" Antony and Cleopatra withdraw, leaving the Romans empty-handed and the deer-slave expiring messily on the floor. Vorenus mildly gives orders to have the body removed and says that he'll show the visiting Romans to their rooms. "Is he always like that?" Bibulus asks Vorenus. "Like what?" is Vorenus's response. It must suck to be so loyal all the time.
As Antony and Cleopatra enter their bedchamber, Antony removes his robe, revealing an Egyptian-style man-skirt and necklace underneath. Somebody's gone native in a big way. As he collapses on the bed, he says of Octavian, "If that doesn't make the little shit declare war, I don't know what will." So clearly he didn't actually want a deal in the first place. Removing her huge wig and climbing on top of Antony, Cleopatra suggests that he be the one to declare war, then. Antony wants no part of that: "When I return home, it will be as a savior, not as a conqueror." But first, a nap. Two little kids come bopping in, just so that we can meet them. Cleopatra calls them "Helios" and "Sene" and shoos them away, saying that their father needs his rest. So clearly Antony's been here quite a while, if he's already sired toddlers. Which means that Timon and his family must be about halfway to Jerusalem by now, not that we'll be seeing them. Cleopatra contemplatively watches her paramour sleep.
Also asleep is Pullo, back in Rome. And he's in bed with Gaia. So clearly that whole killing-Eirene thing worked out for her exactly as planned. Also, they must have won the battle we left in the middle of last week; otherwise they would either be dead or still fighting. Pullo wakes up at the sound of a hunger riot threatening to begin outside. He gets out of bed, and Gaia pouts, "What are you going to do, bake them a cake?" As he gets dressed, Pullo good-naturedly calls Gaia a cold-hearted bitch. "Would you have me any other way?" she asks from the bed, and he jokes that he'd swap her for a good horse. But then he kisses her and mauls her breast until another thump from outside calls him away.
Pullo comes out the front door, where guards escort him through the seething, yelling, grabbing crowd. Fortunately for him, they're too weak from hunger to get actively violent. He climbs to a high balcony, where we can see him in profile with a very good matte painting of the city and the river behind him. He raises his arms for silence, and tells the crowd below that no more grain will be given out until tomorrow, in order to stretch out the supply. He sends them home and tells them to come back tomorrow. It seems to quell the crowd, and when he comes down, he's met by Mascius, who looks like hell, stumping along on crutches with one eye mostly if not completely gone. So that battle must not have gone so well for him. Also meeting Pullo are the Vorenus kids, who he says should have waited inside. Vorena the Elder is now dressed all in white, like her aunt Lyde at the temple of Orbona. Probably a good career path for her. Little Lucius is actually old enough to talk now, but since he's going on about honor and blood, I think I preferred him mute. Vorena the Elder says that hungry people wouldn't have hurt them, and if they had tried, Orbona would have protected them. Pullo sends her off to go ask Orbona for a grain ship, then, because he has to talk to what's left of Mascius: "You too, Lucius. Go learn to read or something." Hey, he just learned to talk in the past week. Cut the kid some slack.
In the storeroom, Pullo and Mascius are looking over what's left of the grain, which is about ten days' worth at quarter rations. Pullo curses, and Mascius mentions that someone from the Baker's Guild came by earlier and offered 600 per sack. "And a few dead children for every sack that doesn't get to the people that need them," Pullo says, all Bono-like. Mascius sits and puts one foot up on a stool so that we can get a good look at the wooden scaffolding surrounding the remains of his right leg. Okay, we get it. What else did Mascius lose? Pullo says that they're not distributing grain for profit. And just in case you're thinking that Pullo's gone soft, he takes this moment to drop a greasy scrap of gristle into the hands of a very hairy man in a very small cage in one corner of the room. Turns out this hirsute unfortunate is none other than a completely unrecognizable Memmio, who Pullo keeps around as a grim warning to everyone to be honest. As for the grain situation, Pullo decides to pay a visit to "his honor" to ask for ideas. He and Gaia leave the room, Pullo smacking her ass as they part company. Mascius chuckles, so I guess if he minded being thrown over by Gaia for Pullo, he's gotten over it. Or maybe we just figured out what else Mascius lost in that battle. Mascius stays behind with Memmio to rattle his cage and stick his tongue out at him. Literally, in both cases.
Octavian, Agrippa, and Maecenas receive Pullo at Octavian's villa. Pullo explains the grain shortage he's facing. Maecenas, always a helpful sort, suggests that dogs might be tasty. Pullo agrees, and says that they're all gone. Maecenas brightly realizes that that's why it's been so quiet at night: "No barking." No laughing, either. Tough room. Octavian says that he doesn't have enough himself to help out. It's clearly bothering him, too. He should spin this to his advantage and tell the people that the gods are punishing them for having sex or something. Agrippa says that the military has plenty of grain, which they could stretch out by sending three legions to Africa and making Lepidus feed them. That would give the city enough grain for a month. Octavian agrees to the plan. Pullo thanks him, and is about to leave, but Octavian wants to hear what the people think about him first, and he trusts Pullo to tell him the truth. Did you know that "Pullo" eventually became the English word "poll"? I didn't either until I just made it up. Pullo says that the people are blaming Octavian for the shortage, and not Antony: "They hear the news reader saying that he's holding back the shipments and all that, but...well, it's Antony, innit?" They don't believe that a popular figure like Antony would starve them, but Octavian's a different story: "You've never been the affectionate type, now, have you?" Pullo says gently. Behind his Vulcan-like reserve, Octavian nods sadly and thanks Pullo for his insight. Pullo nods, confirms that the grain will come, and leaves.
After Pullo's gone, Octavian gets out of his chair and paces the room in frustration. Agrippa and Maecenas remain hopeful that Antony will make a deal with Bibulus, but Octavian isn't so sure; he thinks Antony expects either the people to depose Octavian, or Octavian to start a war. Agrippa selects Door #2, but Maecenas knows that won't fly as long as the people are on Antony's side: "You might as well declare war on wine and song." You mean Octavian hasn't already done that? Suddenly a candle lights up over Octavian's head, and he announces that he's going to have his mother and sister over for dinner tonight. Interesting approach: have a problem? Create a bigger one for yourself.
Another very good matte painting serves as a transition to a shot of Julii Cooper gazing over the city from her rooftop. We never saw her go up there when she was allowed to leave, but then they probably didn't have this matte painting, either. She's distracted by a little blonde moppet of a toddler, whom she scoops up and gently scolds about being up there. Down below, Octavia and Merula are looking for the girl, Antonia. So I guess the girl is Antony's daughter in the official sense, even if not biologically. Of course it's not like Octavia could have named the daughter after her lover instead. Who wants to be called Agrippa-a? Julii Cooper says that she'll bring the little girl down.
Inside the house, a long tracking shot begins with Octavia going on about how she's going to have someone start beating her daughter for not listening. Which I'm not in favor of, but clearly Antonia isn't even listening now as violence against her is openly discussed in her presence. Julii Cooper wisely points out that Octavia was the same way at Antonia's age, while her brother was obedient as hell. And look how that turned out. Julii Cooper asks Castor whether any letters have arrived, and for some reason is surprised when the answer is no. She just thought that today was the day that Antony would send for her, as promised. She's probably thought that every day was the day for the past five years. As they move out to the courtyard to eat, Octavia pleads with her mother to give up on Antony already. And then Castor, who didn't have a letter five seconds before, comes in with a message: Octavian has summoned them to dinner. Octavia wonders what her brother wants. "Nothing to our benefit," Julii Cooper says. Oh, if she had any idea.
It's an awkward, quiet dinner at Octavian's place that evening with the Julian women (including Livia, who I think would technically be one of them now, or actually maybe not, I have no idea, but in any case she's there), Octavian, and his sidekicks. Octavian breaks the silence. "Family and friends eh? Nothing better," he says in the tone of voice people usually use when discussing tumors. He suddenly tells Octavia that he has a favor to ask, nearly making her choke on her mouthful of wine. He brings up the grain shortage, and the people dying. Good of him to wait until everyone was nice and full. He says that her husband has lots of grain in Egypt, but is holding it back, and nobody can talk him into sending any. "The soft voice of a loving wife may succeed where others have failed," he concludes, taking Livia's hand. Octavia is amazed at the very idea that she would go to Egypt, and doesn't think her brother is even serious. "I cannot remember the last time I made a joke," Octavian says seriously. That makes...all of us. Well, except Livia, of course, who claims that he cracked her shit up last Market Day with some bon mot about fishes. "I was speaking figuratively," Octavian snaps at her. BWAH! Hee hee hee! Oh, my sides! Wait,was that not a joke either? Sorry, never mind. Octavia says that if he wants to persuade Antony, Julii Cooper is the one who should go: "She's his real wife." Octavian agrees that he was thinking of sending them both. As cranked up as Julii Cooper might be at the prospect of seeing Antony again, she plays it cool and asks what's in it for them. Octavian asks what she wants. "Pompeii's become vulgar," she answers. "I'd like a villa in Capri." Octavian agrees. Octavia can't decide whether she'd prefer a villa or some gladiators, so her mom suggests that she take cash and decide later. She agrees, and so does Octavian (although no actual amounts are discussed, not that Roman currency means anything to me anyway). He tells Maecenas to issue the Roman equivalent of a press release, meaning, tell the Town Crier the women are leaving.
And then Octavia fucks his wife. Well, not right there at dinner, but the transition is so abrupt that it might as well be. Later that night, he's standing, she's on the bed, both are naked, and they're going veryfast, and then they're not. Hi, I'm M. Giant, and I'll be your porn recapper this evening. Before he pulls out, she hauls off and smacks him across the face. And then does it again, like she's daring him to hit her back. Because, you know, he already told her that gets off on smacking chicks around. He doesn't, at least not now, but they're off again.
And then, later, she's on again. Sitting astride Octavian, Livia squeezes one last orgasm out of him that's going to leave him taken care of for the three months. He's practically inside-out. Ah, to be young again. Livia calmly announces that while she likes birds, she finds eggs "sordid," and they won't serve them anymore. Octavian is still gasping like a beached fish, unable to speak. Livia then asks why Octavian is sending his mother and sister to Egypt; she doesn't think the reason he gave is the real one. "You know Antony will refuse what they ask," she points out. Octavian agrees. Livia figures it out: if Antony turns away Octavia, the people will decide that Cleopatra has "bewitched him," and they'll turn on him. But if Antony does give in, the grain shipments will arrive. It's win-win for Octavian. "Clever boy," Livia says approvingly. "Good night, my dear," Octavian says abruptly, and rolls over on his side with his back to her. This couple is creepy.
The ship carrying Julii Cooper and Octavia is sailing through calm seas and blue skies, but Octavia is still quite seasick down below. And she doesn't appreciate Julii Cooper's nervous pacing, either. Julii Cooper adjusts her roomy outfit and asks if she's changed since Antony last saw her. Between seasons? Yes indeed. Since last week? No. Octavian rolls her eyes and tells her mother that she looks exactly the same. "He'll fall into your arms in a delirium of love," she says sarcastically. Julii Cooper says that Octavia's gotten "mean and bitter," and Octavia returns that Julii Cooper has become "girlish and sentimental." Ah, the wacky role reversal. we'll be hearing that Pullo has grown "grouchy and uptight," while Vorenus has become "not always so stressful just to be around." At the sound of a fellow passenger retching in the background, Octavia starts to lose her own dormice. Julii Cooper isn't interested in holding her daughter's hair, though, because land has just been sighted. Julii Cooper goes to the porthole and admires the nearing matte painting of Alexandria. It's another good one, especially with the shimmering sea in the foreground. They're definitely getting their money's worth from the matte painters this week.
Vorenus is just chilling in the royal residence when a rather aggressive game of catch between Caesarion (now the same age as Little Lucius, and please don't ask me how that worked) and one of the chamberlains spills over into the room. Caesarion grows weary of beaning and berating the poor guy, and sends him away. He then drafts Vorenus into his game. Vorenus returns the ball with a respectfully careful underhand toss, and when Caesarion bitches at him to throw the one properly, he pegs the little snot in the back, just to warn him to play nice. As the game proceeds, Caesarion asks Vorenus to tell him more about his father, beyond the standard crap that everyone already knows. Vorenus says that Caesarion's father was a good man -- good to have as a friend, but a formidable enemy: "When the battle was going hard and men were faltering, that's when you'd want to see your father at your side. Bravest man I've ever known." Caesarion asks for more, and Vorenus says, "Fine horseman. Bad gambler, although he'd never admit it. He liked the women. He liked to eat. He'd eat the whole table if you'd let him." Caesarion is surprised; everyone always told him Caesar was abstemious. And yes, this show actually makes a ten-year-old say "abstemious" out loud. I couldn't have pulled that mouthful out myself, and I'm...well, I'm not ten anymore, whatever my jokes may sometimes indicate. Vorenus suddenly realizes that he's not supposed to be talking about the kid's biological father -- who is actually Pullo, just in case you're new here, but nobody knows that except for Vorenus, Pullo, Cleopatra, and a few of her slaves. Vorenus quickly backpedals, "There's others knew him far better than I did." Nice oopsie-face on Vorenus there. But he's rescued when Posca dashes in, looking for the first couple. Vorenus asks him what's wrong.
Through a literal and figurative drug haze hanging over the bed he's sharing with Cleopatra, Antony asks, "What do you mean, 'here'?" Posca freaks that the ship docked an hour ago, and that the Julian women are on their way to the palace to demand an immediate audience with Antony. Which is weird, because we've already seen that the docks are right outside. Are they walking verrry slowly? Posca wants to know what to do, and Antony hauls himself out of bed and tries to get his shit together. He's wearing his old Roman cape over his current Egyptian man-skirt in this scene, which is a striking look. Not everyone could pull that off, especially with all the jewelry, but Antony makes it work. Sometimes it feels like part of the purpose of this season was to try out different looks on Antony: Roman soldier? Check. Consul? Check. Bearded mountain man? Check. Exotic Middle-Eastern he-bitch? Check. Antony struggles to gather his thoughts -- which, considering that they must be scattered all over the room like ball bearings, must be quite a task. He turns out to be equal to it, though: he realizes that the women wouldn't have come on their own, so Octavian must have sent them in hopes of a reconciliation with Octavia. Cleopatra says that Antony will shut her down, right? Antony agrees so quickly that his lips blur, but he's already realized that, in doing so, he will be playing right into Octavian's hands. Blindsided and hopped up on drugs, Antony can still figure out in ten seconds something that didn't occur to Julii Cooper even once on an entire long, boring sea voyage. Tell me again about her "outfoxing" skills, show. Cleopatra wonders why Antony isn't happier that he's getting a war he wanted but didn't have to start. Antony blearily explains that Octavian is trying to undercut Antony's popularity with the people, and will think he's outmaneuvered Antony. Cleopatra says that he shouldn't care, as long as he ultimately wins the war. Antony uncertainly agrees.
That settled, Cleopatra decides to throw a big party for their visitors, but Antony's not down with that. He comes back to the bed and sexily accuses Cleo of wanting to humiliate Julii Cooper. Amidst much rolling around and kissing (and teasing thereof), Cleopatra says that letting Julii Cooper know that Antony doesn't love her anymore is only an act of kindness. This would be more convincing if she didn't say it so evilly. Antony mostly agrees, but doesn't want any part of Julii Cooper's public humiliation. Cleopatra angrily says that's the purpose of all this, and starts to leave the bed, but Antony hauls her back and says that Julii Cooper is probably innocent: Octavian must have manipulated her into coming (bribed, actually, but whatever). So Cleopatra suggests Option #3: just killing them: "Atia will not be humiliated, because Atia will be dead. Octavian will know that you're not a man to be outmaneuvered." Antony doesn't want to be seen as a wife-killer, so Cleopatra blithely suggests, "Their ship sank on the way home. It happens all the time." This is too much for even Antony, who pries himself up from the bed again. Cleopatra angrily says that he's either a coward, or still has feelings for Julii Cooper. "Which? Is? It?" Cleopatra shrills. Antony's not about to admit to either of those accusations, so he goes for an Option #3 of his own, which is to holler at her to shut up. So she does. And switches to hurling pottery instead of talking. Luckily for him, her aim hasn't improved since the hunting lesson. But it's on.
Julii Cooper and Octavia are already making the hundred-yard journey from the docks to the palace, borne in sedan chairs by a long column of Egyptian slaves. I see now that it wasn't the walk that took so long, but changing their clothes. The train enters the royal courtyard and sets them down. Julii Cooper calls the palace a "ghastly place...Ptolemys were originally goatherds, you know." Octavia looks at the building's façade and poses a more pertinent question: "Why are the doors not open?"
Inside, Antony's dealing with Cleopatra, and she fights dirty -- slapping, hair-pulling, and biting. He throws her onto the bed and dives after her. I can't decide if all of his eyeliner makes it more or less disturbing.
Outside, Julii Cooper and Octavia and their slaves are suffering in the heat, getting more steamed by the moment. See what I did there? Finally, the front door cracks open, much to Julii Cooper's relief. Until the person coming out turns out to be Julii's annoying nemesis, Jocasta, all done up in an Egyptian-style wig and dress. She flutters that Cleopatra doesn't like to have Roman-looking women around (probably to avoid reminding Antony of home), and asks if they've come for Crocodile Day: "That's what I call it anyway. Can't get my mouth round their lingo. She will shriek, but I just pretend I'm a little mad and she leaves off." I'm sure those are very convincing displays, too. Julii Cooper takes advantage of the interval provided by Jocasta's first breath to ask why they're not being greeted, let alone allowed in. Jocasta says that things move slowly around here, due to the heat, and when Julii Cooper asks Jocasta to go inside for her and tell Antony that they're there, she says that nobody's allowed to speak to Antony without Cleopatra's say-so, except Posca. Speaking of whom, Jocasta's husband sticks his head out through the door, spots his wife, and nearly goes into a panic. Julii Cooper's relief at seeing Posca is short-lived when all he has to say to them is, "Yes! Yes! A great pleasure! Indeed!" And then he physically herds Jocasta back inside the doors. "Thank you!" he calls to the confused visitors as the door slams shut with them inside. "They've all gone insane," Julii Cooper observes.
Back in the royal bedchamber, the fighting has moved on to fucking. You know, as it always does on this show. Cleopatra nods at her chief lady-in-waiting, Poor Man's Linda Hunt, sending her from the room before Cleopatra and Antony get right to it. All the other slaves stick around, though, so I don't guess she was dismissing her for the sake of privacy. On first viewing, I thought she was going to have Julii Cooper and Octavia shown in so that they could witness the fornication firsthand ["me too!" -- Wing Chun]. Which, considering how slowly the Julian women have been moving since they got to Alexandria, would be quite a compliment to Antony's staying power.
Octavia paces the baking courtyard as Julii Cooper sits and sweats in her sedan chair. Poor Man's Linda Hunt doesn't appear to usher them in.
And the window to do so has closed, because Egypt's first couple has finished. And thus is Antony tamed. Cleopatra gently tells him that it's better for him this way, kissing him as she says, "You'll be much more happy when the war begins." Vorenus enters, probably because it was he that Poor Man's Linda Hunt was sent to summon. Antony tells Vorenus, "I have a delicate mission for you." Excellent. Just the man.
The palace doors open on Julii Cooper and Octavia for the third and final time. Vorenus comes out, followed by a small detachment of Nubian soldiers. Both women rise, and Julii Cooper, noting Vorenus's armor, comments, "I'm glad to see you haven't gone native, at least." She asks what's going on. Vorenus unhappily but quickly says that Antony has ordered him to escort them back to their ship so that they can leave Alexandria ASAP. Julii Cooper's heart exits her chest, flops out beneath the hem of her dress, and lies guttering in the sand. "Without seeing him?" she asks. "He turns away the mother of his child [maybe]?" Octavia adds. Vorenus is like, yup. Sucks to be you ladies. Julii Cooper wants to blame Cleopatra for giving Vorenus this order, but Vorenus assures her that he only takes his orders from Antony. Still, Julii Cooper refuses to move until Antony comes and tells her himself. Vorenus says that he has orders to use force if necessary, and although he admits that he wouldn't dare touch women of the Julii, the Nubians backing him aren't so shy. And they're all holding really sharp things. Julii Cooper tries to shove past Vorenus, screaming Antony's name. The screaming works much better than the shoving, but Antony still doesn't appear. She steps back and smacks Vorenus across the chops. Octavia claps her hands to her mouth like she's never seen her mother pop someone in the much before. And then Julii Cooper fully breaks down, bashing tearfully at Vorenus's immovable breastplate and then marching off. Before following, Octavia tells Vorenus, "You tell my husband he's cowardly scum." Vorenus nods, clearly looking forward to that. And the Julian party makes the long walk back to the docks, which would be even longer if the docks weren't right there.
Inside the palace, Jocasta and Posca are rapidly packing up, wearing traveling cloaks and everything. Posca's worried that they'll be penniless after leaving all their money behind, but Jocasta doesn't care; she's scared and wants to go home. Just then, Vorenus enters with a loud throat-clearing, startling them both. "Going somewhere?" he asks, and looks inside their packed suitcase. Jocasta starts losing her shit, begging Vorenus not to tell anyone they're leaving: "They'll throw us to the crocodiles!" Much more smoothly, Posca says that they were just planning to walk along the harbor and look at the ships. Vorenus eyebrows at Posca and says that they'd better hurry: "The wind is changing. The ships look best when their sails are set." Posca tries to persuade Vorenus to come along; this will be no place for "decent Romans" in the impending war. But of course, Vorenus's twisted sense of duty won't allow anything of the kind. "If you happen to see Titus Pullo," he tells Posca, "ask him to kiss my children for me." Oh, come on, what are the chances of that? Pullo thanks Vorenus's retreating back, and he and his wife sneak out of the palace's fire exit and disappear into the streets.
Now it's Julii Cooper who's laid out on the ship's bunk while Octavia looks out the porthole from belowdecks. She tosses her wedding ring out the window. I'm actually surprised that she kept it this long. And then the only thing that could make Julii Cooper's day worse happens, as Jocasta and Posca descend the steps to the hold and asks if they can hang with them until the boat sails. If Julii Cooper were in anything like her usual form, she would rapidly agree, and then revoke her welcome the minute they're underway.
Back in the palace, Vorenus has gotten tired of Caesarion's grilling about his father. "Look to yourself," he says. "You are what remains of him." Well, him and Octavian's villa, with its hidden storeroom of freakishly large pillows. Mark Antony enters in an absolutely adorable pink halter minidress and asks Vorenus how it went. He's relieved to hear that Julii Cooper and Octavia have gone, and asks whether Julii Cooper took the news with her usual poise. "No," Vorenus says shortly. In a medium close-up so that we can see how nicely Antony's makeup and jewelry set off his outfit (just in case you weren't getting the message that Cleopatra has thoroughly unmanned him), Antony sighs that it had to be done, and asks where Posca is. Vorenus glibly offers to go look for him, but Antony declines, and is about to leave the room. But Vorenus has to deliver the message from Antony's wife first, though: "She instructed me to tell you that you are cowardly sssscummm." Antony comes back and makes Vorenus give his own opinion. Locking eyes with Antony, Vorenus comes around the coffee table and says that while Antony isn't a coward, he has a disease in his soul that will eat at him until he dies. Somewhat mockingly and somewhat dangerously, Antony asks how Vorenus can be so sure, not being a doctor and all. Vorenus says that he recognizes the symptoms: "I have the same sickness myself." What? He had me and then he lost me. The only disease I can think of that these two have in common is Romanism. But whatever. Deciding that he hasn't been insulted, Antony heaves a weary sigh and leaves the room. "Long one," Vorenus tells Caesarion, who runs deep.
Matte painting of Rome with the Forum on its hill in the center. I think they realized this was the penultimate episode, and that they'd better start using all these matte paintings they had stacked up in the basement at Cinecittà Studios or something. Inside Caesar's villa, Octavian receives his returning delegation. Before anyone says a word, Julii Cooper draws back and smacks him one across the face. Because it's been, like, three minutes since we last saw her thump someone. Lots of man-on-woman violence in this episode, and we're nowhere near done. But at least she finally figured it out her role in all this. Octavian nods, "Hello, Mother. And Posca. What a pleasant surprise." He figures that Antony wasn't so receptive to his wife and lover. "No, he was not," Julii Cooper replies. "But you knew that, didn't you?" Wow, if you want to put one over on Julii Cooper, you have to make sure her sea voyage is only one-way. Octavian guiltily brings up the Caprian villa Julii Cooper wanted, and says that she can have it now. He asks after Octavia. Rather than answering, Julii Cooper announces that Posca has brought along something that will take Antony down but good. "Crush Antony and his queen," she hisses. "You can keep your damn villa." So she's sticking with the one she has in Pompeii? She's going to regret that in a century or so. After she flounces out, Posca produces a scroll, saying that it's the last will and testament of Antony and Cleopatra: "It is a despicable document. Taken together with his repudiation of your sister, the Roman people will think war against Antony not only inevitable, but eminently desirable." Octavian calls Posca "a good and loyal friend" (but to whom?) as Maecenas snatches the scroll and breaks the heavy wax seal with a smirk. Actually, he breaks it with his fingernails, but the smirk is sharp enough to have worked almost as well. As Posca promised, the scroll contains nothing but good news for Octavian, as Maecenas reports: "He asks to be buried in Alexandria; he declares Cleopatra his wife and that they are living gods; she is Isis and he Osiris...he leaves to his children by Cleopatra all the eastern provinces, and her son by Caesar is to be given Rome and the west." Octavian stands agape at suddenly having become the luckiest boy in the world.
thing you know, the Town Crier is totally Fox-Newsing Antony, announcing that "Mark Antony has coupled himself to the sorceress Cleopatra, promising her dominion of all Rome!" He goes on: "He worships dogs and reptiles! He has blackened his eyes with a soot! He dances and plays the cymbals in vile Nilotic rites!" All of his listeners boo, except of course for Maecenas, who climbs out of his litter parked nearby and snickers. Not sure why the people suddenly started believing the news reader again.
Octavian makes a big speech to the Senate denouncing Antony: "He is no longer a Roman, but an Egyptian, and what is left for us to do but fight him? Fight him and destroy him!" The Senate gets to its feet as one, amid thunderous, unanimous applause. Like most of them ever even liked Antony in the first place.
Later, when the Senators have gone and it's only Octavian on his Consul's seat, Posca shows Pullo inside the chamber. I'm pretty sure this is the first time he's ever entered this room. He takes a seat on a bench, humble but still enjoying the moment. Octavian asks if it's true that Vorenus is still sticking with Antony. "Loyal man, Vorenus," Pullo understates. Posca adds that Vorenus sends Pullo his regards, and asks Pullo to kiss his children. Pullo's glad to hear that Vorenus is okay. "You know him," Posca says. "Iron as ever." Because we never get tired of hearing people talk about how great Vorenus is when he isn't around. Octavian confirms that Pullo and Vorenus are still friends, and says that he's going to ask Pullo to accompany him east when he goes to confront Antony. He explains that Pullo is close to Vorenus, and Vorenus is close to Antony, which means some kind of mediation may be possible. Pullo's doubtful that they'll save any lives this way, and Octavian admits that not everyone gets to live. For instance, they'll have to kill Antony and Caesarion. Pullo's ears prick up at the mention of his biological child, and an oblivious Octavian explains that Antony has named Caesarion heir to Rome. Which simply won't do. Octavian says that Cleopatra and her other children may be allowed to live to provide stability in Egypt. His mind racing (or at least loping -- it is Pullo, after all), Pullo gladly agrees to come along. Octavian comes and sits to him, saying that it'll be like old times: "An adventure together." The thought clearly pleases Pullo, especially if he can manage to save his child, the stated heir to the thrones of Egypt and Rome, from being killed by his friend, the current ruler of Rome. Just a lowly pleb, our Pullo.
Back at the Collegium, Pullo is explaining to the kids and Lyde why he's leaving. Little Lucius wants to come along and crack some skulls of his own, but gets shut down. "And the good news is," Pullo adds, "I'm more than likely to see your father." None of the kids seems to think that's good news at all. As cheerfully as he can manage, he gets up to deliver the kisses Vorenus sent. Vorena the Elder looks like she'll take Pullo's eyes out if he tries it, but the two younger ones don't put up any resistance beyond sour expression. Rather than quitting while he's ahead, Pullo asks if he can give Vorenus a kiss from them in return. "No! He killed our mother!" Little Lucius grouches. Vorena the Elder agrees. "You're a hard one, you," Pullo says sadly. "My father made me so," she replies. "I hear you," he says. And now he has to come up with some other excuse to kiss Vorenus.
Meanwhile, Vorenus lies awake in his bunk in Alexandria, alone. Beats sharing it with an ugly, bald prostitute with a voice straight out of Lovecraft.
Pullo gives a farewell briefing to the men of the Collegia. Surprisingly, most of them survived last week's battle as well, including the guy who seemed to be dying from consumption before the battle even started. Pullo orders, "No trouble between you, no skimming from the grain ration, no stealing of women, nor any extortion, robbery, or arson, unless under direct license from Mascius." Mascius nods crookedly, doing his best to look like Quasimodo the Enforcer. Yes, things should be well in hand. Pullo threatens that anyone who disobeys will be dining with Memmio, who's still gibbering in his cage right there in the room.
Nighttime. Pullo's packing for the day's journey, and Gaia isn't happy about his departure. Well, his departure alone; she wants to come along. He heads downstairs to fill his vinegar flask. I like to think I've done a lot of traveling, but I've never specifically had to pack vinegar.
Through the bars of Memmio's cage, we see Pullo enter the kitchen. He smiles at the sight of some bread and wine on the table, and sits down for a little snack. Then he does a double-take in our general direction, and his face gets serious. He picks up the bread knife. Something that I didn't know about Roman bread before I saw the size of this knife? Apparently, it often fought back. Pullo carefully gets up and goes to the empty cage with its broken lock. He looks around the dark room, quietly calling Memmio's name. Of course, Memmio is behind him with a two-by-four, even though the giant knife was unattended when he escaped. Memmio swings the board at Pullo's head, dropping him unconscious to the floor. Grinning manically, Memmio now picks up the dropped bread knife and holds it at the perfect angle to reflects every light in the room straight into the camera lens, making it the brightest object in the shot. For some reason, Memmio takes his sweet time before making any move to kill Pullo, sitting astride him and smacking Pullo's face a couple of times to make sure he's really out. Pullo really is. Memmio raises the knife. Suddenly, he gets a boot to the face, courtesy of Gaia, who has arrived just in time. She leaps at Memmio from behind and hangs on, but he's still got the knife, and he gets a good poke in while wildly stabbing behind himself. She pushes him away and conks him in the face with a handy urn, and then gets stabbed in the gut again. She head-butts him away (tough cranium on this girl), and when Memmio drops to the floor, Gaia basically hammers his head through the flagstones. Now that he's dead, Gaia collapses to Memmio and waits for her turn.
Cut to the morning, where for the second time in as many episodes, Pullo is at the bedside of his bloody beloved while a doctor and priestess bustle around her. He wonders why this is happening to him again. "You selfish bastard, it's me who's dying," Gaia smiles blackly, saying that she's the one being punished. Pullo insists that she's a good woman. She disagrees: "Eirene was a good woman. Not a she-wolf like me." Pullo smiles that Eirene had her moments. Gaia says that Eirene was going to give Pullo a child. "Fate had a different plan," Pullo replies, kissing "fate"'s hand. "We're happy enough, you and me." Gaia's lip starts quivering as she says that she can't go into the afterlife with lies: "Nemesis won't let me rest." Pullo asks what she means, and moves to sit up on the bed to her. Which kills her instantly. Okay, it doesn't but it would serve him right. Gaia asks for some privacy, so Pullo kicks everyone else out. Gaia begins her deathbed confession: "Remember when I'm gone that what I did, I did out of love for you." Pullo's still not getting it. Gaia admits, "It was me who killed Eirene and your child." Pullo's face does something amazing here: it goes from grief and sympathy and worry to cold, dead rage. From human to monster in a matter of seconds. Angel always needed special effects to do that. One of Pullo's hands caresses Gaia's cheek, and then both of them close over her throat. "Goodbye, love," says Gaia, and Pullo begins squeezing. As prepared as Gaia clearly was, she doesn't go peacefully, gasping and choking and bugging her eyes out. Finally, she's still. Pullo takes a gasping breath, like he's forgotten to breathe this whole time.
In the pale dawn light, in which everybody in the neighborhood is up very early, Pullo carries Gaia's body out of the building, across the plaza, and to the huge mud puddle outside, heaving Gaia into it to rot, half-submerged. Sure, he's leaving the country; what does he care about the local sanitary conditions?
Series finale week, and it looks like it's going to be an hour-fifteen. As Vorenus might say, "Long one."