Considering that Octavian isn't even in this episode, he certainly makes his influence felt. Julii Cooper is all mopey and worried about him, to the extent that she can't manage any manipulation more demanding than making Mark Antony decide to be governor of Gaul instead of Macedonia, as previously agreed. Antony leans on Cicero to bring the Senate in line, knowing full well that Octavian has sent an emissary to offer Cicero an alliance, but figuring that Octavian's rumored army of ten thousand is a lot less scary than the reality of Mark Antony in the same room. Down at the Aventine Collegium, a gang war is escalating in parallel with the rising tension between Vorenus and Pullo. Our heroes end up saying some things they shouldn't, then come to blows, then break up. Again. Brutus is going to pieces; he's in Turkey with Casca, trying to raise foreign support to retake Rome, but that doesn't go so well. Then he invents baptism. Cicero finally decides that he's tired of Antony's bullying, so he screws his tormentor over (not in person, of course -- remember whom we're talking about here). Antony ends up deciding to take Gaul by force, and when Pullo returns to Rome to sort things out with Vorenus, he finds out that his old buddy has joined Antony's campaign. It's not a wasted trip, though, because Pullo runs into Niobe's sister Lyde, who has escaped with word that the Vorenii and Little Lucius are alive. Oh, and remember the guy Castor rescued from a crunchy beating? Turns out he's in the house of the Julii to kill Julii Cooper, at Servilia's instructions. Just when it looks like he's about to succeed, the credits roll.
Vorenus is having a bad dream. In it, Niobe tells him, "The boy is blameless," and then sits on the balcony railing and drops out of sight. Vorenus's eyes pop open. How much would it suck to wake up from a nightmare and realize that it already came true? He sits up from the cot in his office. Apparently, he sleeps there now.
Down on the main floor, an afternoon's entertainment is underway: whorefighting. Well, why not? Gaia, the supervisor Pullo hired last week, separates the scrapping prostitutes with a bit of difficulty. Following them off the stage, Gaia gets a smack on the ass from a clean-shaven Mascius as she walks past where he's sitting. Gaia's about to retaliate, but before her fist reaches Mascius's face, he puts the rest of her there instead. They make out, much to the entertainment of the crowd. Except Pullo, who looks jealous, and Eirene, who looks jealous that Pullo looks jealous. Finally, Mascius and Gaia separate, and Mascius gets away with a light slap instead of the punch he had coming. He, Pullo, and another henchman go back to their dice game.
At the sound of Vorenus emerging from his upper-level office, the rowdy room goes quiet. Vorenus is wearing a knee-length black tunic with black leather accents that falls somewhere between "bad-ass" and "Anakin Skywalker's summer outfit." He comes down the stairs to conduct some business with his lieutenants. "Are you all right?" Pullo asks him. "You're looking pointy." And bipedal and carbon-based. What else is new? Vorenus gives Mascius some instructions as to how to deal with someone we'll never meet, and the instructions include a threat to cut out the man's tongue. Mascius laughs at Vorenus acting all hardcore, but stops when he realizes that Vorenus isn't acting. He leaves, and Vorenus takes his seat at the table. Pullo looks like he's about to say something to Vorenus, but then decides to hold his tongue. In both senses of the phrase. Gaia comes over and tells Vorenus that he has a visitor.
The visitor turns out to be the Poor Man's Erastes Fulmen from last week ["I swear, I thought it was Erastes's twin brother Schmerastes, they look so much alike" -- Wing Chun], but now he has a proper name: Memmio. Sitting across from Vorenus and Pullo at an outdoor picnic table, Memmio states his case: his sidekick Carbo, a bearded longhair who has accompanied him to the meeting, has a nephew who was "defiled" by an Aventine man named Quintus Bubo, and now Carbo wants Vorenus's permission to kill Quintus. Carbo probably shouldn't have mentioned that Quintus paid the kid a few pennies, because that's all Vorenus needs to hear to conclude that Quintus did nothing wrong and must not be touched. This is beside the point to Carbo, who wants to defend his family's honor. "Nobody in my family sucks cock without I say so!" Might want to take that up with the nephew, then. Trying to strike a compromise, Pullo chimes in to suggest the possibility of some moderate punishment for Quintus for taking advantage of the kid, but Vorenus silences him with a raised finger and says that he's given his answer. "Wrong fucking answer!" Carbo says angrily. As Vorenus bristles, Pullo says that Carbo has a point, and this time Vorenus hisses at him to shut up. Memmio tries to play off of the dissension, but Vorenus isn't budging. He just looks at them like, "Why are you still here?" Memmio gets the hint, and he and Carbo depart with extreme if not exaggerated politeness. Sure, this'll be the end of it. Once they've gone, Pullo tries to complain about Vorenus insulting him in front of their guests, but Vorenus is a lot more pissed about Pullo's questioning of his authority. And yes, Vorenus is pretty much an ass throughout this entire episode, but a lot of he grief that's about to ensue could have been prevented if Pullo had asked Vorenus for a private word instead of heckling from the Peanut Gallery. Pullo's about to say more, but then Gaia shows up with some bread for Vorenus. Pullo leaves, and Gaia tries to empathize with Vorenus, venturing, "Hard being the boss, eh?" Vorenus doesn't bother responding. Gaia wanders off to find a more willing conversational partner, like a stray pig or a support pillar or something.
Octavia's having a friend over, and the two young women are smoking up. It's not exactly a Cheech & Chong movie, though. The way it works here is that a slave holds out a long spoon containing heavily smoldering embers, and the visitor, Jocasta, sucks the smoke into her mouth through a straw. Seems like kind of an inefficient delivery method, but I'm sure it's been improved upon since then. Jocasta tries to educate Octavia on the ways of the weed, but poor, square Octavia is a coughing mess. Julii Cooper appears before them in a plain green dress, not even bothering to look intimidating. Poor girl is clearly depressed. Julii Cooper barely remembers Jocasta from meting her at a theater the year, and doesn't care either way, asking, "What are you doing?" "We're inhaling hemp," Octavia answers guiltily. Julii Cooper tells her to do that outside in the future, since she's making the whole house smell like a Phish concert. And then she asks for a hit of her own. Jocasta brags that the Macedonian dope she brought over is so much better than the Italian variety (less oregano, I presume). Apparently, her "pa-PAH" has quarries in Macedonia. Julii Cooper is, of course, quite curious about Macedonia, since that's where she and Mark Antony are retiring after he's done being Consul. "My dear, it's ghastly," Jocasta Cowells. "Filthy climate, vile food, beastly people...The men are overly fond of fucking their sheep, and when you meet the women, you can hardly blame them. It truly is the end of the world!" ["On behalf of my very cute Macedonian trainer: BOOOOOOO." -- Wing Chun] Julii Cooper listens patiently to the girls' stoned giggling for a moment, formulating the ideal putdown in her head. Then she takes another hit and tells Octavia that although she doesn't mind her bringing home a "tradesman's daughter," she doesn't want it to go any further: "No actors, no gladiators, or that sort of thing, neh?" After she walks out and leaves that insult lying on the table on front of them like a steaming turd, Octavia kind of apologizes for her mother: "She's been an infernal grump ever since Octavian left." Ever since Caesar died, I'd say. Season 2 Julii Cooper looks rather different from the original, with a softer face and her hair usually hanging down loosely. Not to fuel any more forum speculation on this topic, but either this is a conscious decision on the part of the actress and the makeup and wardrobe people, or Polly Walker is a wee bit pregnant.
Julii Cooper sulks in her own room, wondering to her lady-in-waiting when Antony's coming home, and then not caring. The servant acknowledges this, and then says that Timon is waiting, if she's in the mood for a little stable-redolent coitus. Julii Cooper sort of shrugs in an affirmative way, but in the few seconds it takes Timon to get into the room, she's gone deeper into her funk and wants nothing to do with him. It's not time for Timon after all. He leaves, and Julii Cooper lays her head down for a nap. Well, who wouldn't be worn out after a day like the one she's had?
Timon grumps out of the compound's back door, walking out past the stables and angrily knocking over a basket of apples in horny frustration. Reading that sentence back, maybe I should clarify that he does so with his hand. He leaves. The head house slave, Castor, happens to pass by, and the guy he rescued from the beating outside last week is currently at work, mucking out one of the stalls. "Hello, Duro," Castor says to him flirtatiously. "Yes, it's that time," says Castor's dirty-old-man smile. And then they actually show Duro submitting to an ass-fucking, just in case Castor's expression wasn't clear enough. At least the guy currently picking up the apples off the ground outside isn't wasting his time.
Timon gets home from another long, hard day of boss-not-fucking to find his brother Levi in the house teaching his kids Hebrew. "They'll be reading Torah in no time," Levi promises. "Can't wait," Timon lies, and sits down at the table for a cup of wine and a sulk.
Oh, and Vorenus's kids, and their aunt, Niobe's sister Lyde? Still not dead, but now they're being held in a rickety barn somewhere. Just a little update.
Over dinner with Mark Antony, Julii Cooper is making a request of her boyfriend. It's a bit hard to follow, but I think she's saying that, in the future, if he comes in late throwing-up drunk, she wants him to wake her up before initiating sex. He chuckles naughtily. Then she brings up what's really on her mind, which is the subject of Macedonia and how much she doesn't want to go. He says that's the deal after his Consulship is over, and I'm kind of surprised that he actually plans on following through with that, even in private. Antony assures Julii Cooper that there will be plenty of Macedonian dressmakers and jewel merchants to keep her happy, but she pretends that Macedonia is an unwise strategic move for him; he won't be able to attack his enemies from there. He says he doesn't want to; he just wants peace and quiet now. Julii Cooper doesn't think Brutus and Cassius will go along with that, but Antony scoffs, calling them "abject creatures." Ooh, zing! That one's going to be sweeping the schoolyards, I can tell you. Julii Cooper says that Antony's enemies are only weak while he's in power, warning, "You have a wolf by the ears. You can't let go of him now." Mark Antony gets quiet and serious as he starts chewing this over. You can tell, because he's suddenly masticating his bread more slowly as a result of the drain on his overall chewing resources. Julii Cooper reclines, satisfied now to sit and wait for the smoke to start coming out of Antony's ears. The thought has clearly taken hold in his head. In fact...
...Antony's still thinking about it the morning when he mounts up to go to work. Either that, or he's got something stuck in his teeth.
Timon's wandering around the city when he sees his brother having some kind of conspiratorial-looking conversation with another bearded man. After the man leaves, Timon asks what's up. Levi claims that the guy's just a saffron trader, but Timon clearly has his doubts. And judging from Levi's shifty look, those doubts are well-founded. Timon needn't worry; this subplot is moving so slowly, he's going to have to deal with the Visigoths before he has to deal with his brother.
Vorenus and Pullo are trying to have a quiet dinner, but they're interrupted by the sound of a man screaming, and it's getting closer. A woman rushes inside to their table and begs Vorenus for justice, and she's followed by a couple of people dragging a wounded man between them. Gaia introduces the delegation: "Quintus Bubo and his wife. Gelded by Memmio's boys." Indeed, there's a very large, wet, red stain on the front of the man's toga, right at groin level. "Justice, captain, justice!" Mrs. Bubo cries to Vorenus. Bandages, lady, bandages! Stitches! Maybe some Bactine™! Jesus, get your priorities in order. Vorenus and Pullo look at each other like, "Well, that's dinner ruined." And they were just about to start the walnut course, too.
A bit later, in the back room, Pullo wants to keep this from becoming a bigger deal than it already is, but Vorenus is too pissed at Memmio's disobedience to entertain any talk of compromise. Pullo warns Vorenus not to punish Carbo for this, saying that Memmio will retaliate and a gang war will ensue. Vorenus agrees that it will, but it's too bad, because it's Pullo's fault for not respecting Vorenus's authorit-ah in the first place. "Oh, bollocks!" Pullo groans. Can't Vorenus just check everyone into submission again by sodomizing a god or something? No? Vorenus simply orders Pullo to find Carbo and "show him the same disrespect that he's shown me." Pullo says that they aren't in the legion: he doesn't take orders anymore. "Then you're no use to me," says Vorenus, and sends Mascius -- who didn't have any other reason to be in the room anyway -- to take care of it. Pullo still won't give up trying to talk sense, and Vorenus still won't let it go about his authorit-ah, saying that Pullo needs to know his place. Pullo displays some acute perception when he accuses Vorenus of wanting to start a war to put himself out of his misery: "And take half the city with you...but you can die a thousand times and it won't bring back Niobe or the children or Caesar!" Pullo says he's trying to help. "You've never helped me," Vorenus replies, which is harsh even for him, even now, and Pullo says so: "Who saved your life a dozen times? Who took care of that snake Evander? Who carried you home when...when you were drunk?" That ellipsis is the punctuation mark I'm using to indicate when Pullo realizes that he's said too much. Ray Stevenson's expression is considerably more eloquent, however. Vorenus wants to know what Pullo means. Pullo wants to drop it, but you know Vorenus isn't going to let it drop. Finally, Pullo confesses, "I killed him. I found out what he'd done and I killed him." Vorenus turns away; this is waaay too much for him right now. Pullo points out that Vorenus and Niobe were happy together. Well, as happy as Vorenus ever gets; his baseline for a good mood is like a normal person on his worst day ever. "What was I supposed to do?" Pullo asks. "If I'd told you, you would have killed her." Vorenus screams at Pullo to get out. With one more plaintive "What was I supposed to do?," Pullo does. You know, I've been waiting for this scene since September 2005, and I have to say, it was a bit of a letdown. Good thing the subject isn't buried yet.
Antony's having a meeting with Cicero, which is never good news for Cicero. This is no exception. Cicero tries to get a little of his own back, asking about Julii Cooper and her family as a segue to bring up the subject of Octavian and the army he's raised. Antony is dismissive of what he's sure are "fools and cripples," but Cicero says that some veterans are on board. "To cheer him as he goes by," Antony sneers. "Caesar, my ass." Yes, apparently Octavian has taken to calling himself Caesar. I'm going to hold off, though. Antony wants to change the subject to what he wanted to talk about. "I await your pleasure," Cicero smarms. Antony's eyes go hard, and Cicero wonders if he's finally gone too far. As Antony lunges up out of his chair, Cicero flinches. But Antony just slowly walks over past Cicero, smirking at the knowledge that his point is made. Or so you'd think. To show even further disrespect, he's actually lifting his tunic to take a gigantic piss into the potted plant standing right to where Cicero is sitting. Charming. While loosing forth a truly prodigious flow, Antony says that he's changed his mind about becoming governor of Macedonia after his retirement; he wants Gaul instead. Struggling manfully to pretend that nothing untoward is going on a foot from his head, Cicero says that Gaul's spoken for. Antony tells him to propose a trade, and then finishes up and shakes off, sending droplets flying and causing Cicero to hilariously lose all interest in the contents of the goblet he's been holding this whole time. He tells Antony that the Senate will think Antony is pulling a Caesar -- that is to say, stationing his troops directly across the border to intimidate Rome into doing his bidding whenever he likes. All friendly-like, Antony says that it's just a matter of personal preference and better weather, but Cicero still says that the Senate would never pass it. Antony knows that the Senate will do whatever Cicero says, but Cicero isn't on board: "Not that I don't want to help you as a friend, but the Senate would know I was only backing you through fear of death." Heh. Antony gets that Cicero doesn't want to seem cowardly, suggesting, "Tell them I bribed you." He even offers a bribe, which Cicero declines. Antony ruefully comments that it was worth a try, and that Cicero's refusal only leaves them one option. "Such times we live in," he says sadly, and even offers what seems like a pretty sincere apology. Cicero asks Antony to continue with his threat: "I don't like to submit to mere implication." Antony comes in close to ask Cicero about a friend of his who was once captured: "Is it true that they poured molten gold down his throat? Because that would really sting." Cicero makes a face like he's swallowing such a cocktail right now. Looks like that did the trick. Cicero capitulates, agreeing with Antony that Macedonian weather sucks. Antony leaves him there to stew in his own cravenness.
Things have had a chance to calm down in Vorenus's office. He's back at work, and doesn't look up when Pullo comes in, offering to tell him more than what he said before. Vorenus really doesn't want to talk about it. Pullo says he's sorry for keeping Vorenus in the dark. "I forgive you, brother," Vorenus grumps. "I understand why you didn't tell me." Pullo doubts Vorenus's sincerity, until Vorenus comes around the desk. "How could I not forgive you, Pullo? You're all that I've got left in life." They share a long, manly embrace. I don't trust nice Vorenus. Right here's where I figure that either this is a dream sequence or Pullo's about to get knifed or both. But then the moment passes, and Pullo brings up business again. He wants Vorenus simply to charge Carbo a fine, and let Pullo negotiate a settlement that will prevent anyone from losing face: "Better than a war." Vorenus amiably says that might be true: "But it's too late now."
At one of Rome's charming public lavatories, Carbo and two of his men chase some law-abiding citizens out so that they can have a little privacy. But no sooner do they drop trou and settle down to do their business than Mascius and a bunch of Vorenus's men come in. "Salve, Carbo," Mascius says cheerily, and then his guys beat Carbo's guys down so that they can have their way with him. Pretty much literally. Carbo is picked up and dunked head-first into the shithole, and then he's bent over so that Vorenus's largest henchman can fuck him up the ass. That makes two ass-fucking scenes this week, in case you're keeping score. The rapist grins happily as he gets to work, demonstrating to his fellows what a big tough guy he is by having gay sex. Now that's not something you'd see on The Sopranos. Oz, maybe.
From this scene, we transition into the comparatively delicate sight of Octavia playing a lute. Meanwhile, a beefy blond guy is at the front door, telling the slaves, "Tell your mistress I have a message from her son." They let him in, and the lute music draws him further into the house, where he smiles upon seeing Octavia with the instrument. He lurks in the doorway, doing his very best not to seem creepy. "Oh, piss and blood," Octavia curses after making a mistake, and sets the lute down. She's surprised to look up and see some stranger standing there, and he apologizes that he was "entranced." These people so need iPods. She asks who he is, and he introduces himself as Marcus Vipsanius Agrippa, a friend of Caesar: "Octavian, as was." After he confirms that she's Octavia, she asks whether Octavian is in Rome, and if he's all right. Agrippa says that Octavian was fine when Agrippa left him five days ago. So I was wrong, and Octavian did tell the truth about where he was going last week. Agrippa says that Octavian asked him to tell Octavia that he still loves her: "And to verbally answer any questions you may have, consonant with political security." So now we know this guy's for real, because that's all Octavian. "It suits him better than at school," Agrippa says. "He's a powerful man." Agrippa says that Octavian's army numbers ten thousand. Octavia says that she's written to her brother a hundred times, telling him to stop being an ass, but that he doesn't listen. Agrippa says that Octavia is the only person in the world Octavian does listen to. And then he eye-fucks her. This is, of course, when Julii Cooper comes in. Octavia makes the introductions, and Agrippa relays the message Octavian sent for his mother: "He asks that I make certain you are well and to assure you of his respect and fidelity." Julii Cooper scoffs, and Agrippa says that Octavian wants her to "keep an open mind as to [her] future prospects." Whatever that means. Julii Cooper wonders why this is worth a five-day trip from Campange, and Agrippa says that he has other business in Rome, although he can't say with whom. Julii Cooper asks if Mark Antony knows that Agrippa is in the city: "He does like to know where the traitors are." Octavia is shocked at Julii Cooper's language, but her mom isn't backing down. Agrippa says that he's delivered his message, and is ready to go. Julii Cooper starts to give him a message for Octavian, but then stops: "Tell him nothing." Agrippa heads out. No sooner has he gone than Julii Cooper tells her lady-in-waiting to go alert Antony to Agrippa's presence in the city. Octavia balks at this betrayal of her mother's, protesting, "He's your son's friend!" "I have no son," Julii Cooper drama-queens, and flounces off.
A plain but busty young kitchen maid enters the Julii kitchen to find Duro in there, puttering around in the food. She's clearly smitten with him, even as she tells him he's not supposed to be in there. He acts all flirty, even giving her a kiss that leaves her happily flustered. Clearly, she considers his attentions worth the risk of a little horseshit and Castor-spunk ending up in the victuals.
From there, Duro leaves the house of the Julii and goes straight to Servilia's house. Servilia's maid tries to deal with the kid herself, but he won't talk to anyone but the lady of the house. He's about to leave when Servilia herself appears and tells him to wait, and he turns with a smug smile: "So you're Servilia, are you? Choice. Very choice." I hate this kid already. Servilia calmly tells him, "Address me by my name again, and I'll have your tongue nailed to a wagon wheel." Shotgun! Duro apologizes, saying that he's never spoken to nobility before. "You're a pretty little man, aren't you?" Servilia remarks, drawing closer. And he knows it, too. "You've been in the house of Julii for some time now," Servilia remarks. "Why is Atia still alive?" Duro says that he's waiting for the right opportunity; Julii Cooper always eats with Octavia, but he can kill them both tomorrow if Servilia wants. She's insistent that Octavia not be harmed, probably due to some lingering goodwill from their affair last season. Duro cracks, "If I could put the poison on Antony's cock, we'd be sweet. The Domina dines on that regular. Failing that, you'll have to be patient." Hard to believe he's never talked to nobility before. Servilia wonders what Duro's doing there besides grossing her out. He demands more money in addition to whatever he's already been paid, since the job is taking longer than expected. Instead of pointing out that she didn't agree to an hourly rate, let alone overtime, Servilia agrees. The boy holds out his hand, demanding three hundred and snapping his fingers when the maid is too slow for his liking. And he wants one more thing: a kiss from Servilia. She resists, but they both know she wants him even though he's kind of an asshole. Eventually, she takes him by the back of the neck, plants one on his lips, and walks off. I'm thinking maybe Duro already has an eye on his gig. He probably thinks Servilia will be gentler than Castor. Boy, is he in for a shock.
And now we're in the Province of Bithinya in eastern Turkey. Inside some provincial noble's well-appointed tent, Cassius is soliciting support from the bearded bigwig while an unshaven Brutus sulks about, cradling a metal highball glass. Of course, we've known since the pilot that Brutus enjoys the occasional social bender, and I'm sure recent developments haven't helped his sobriety any. Cassius explains to the potentate that those who help them now will have friends in the Roman government after Antony is deposed, which he promises will happen one way or another. The noble muses, "There are Roman women who are fucked by baboons." Cassius is a little thrown by this gambit, but the noble has heard it's like a show. Trying to remain polite, Cassius explains that it's more like a punishment (for whom, he doesn't say), but the noble still wants to see it, smiling, "We do not have such in Bithinya." Cassius thinks it's just a matter of training the baboons, but the noble points out that that's no good in a place without baboons: "No apes of any kind." Cassius pretends to be interested, and tries to get back to the subject at hand. But to the noble, this is the subject at hand. Long story short, if the noble gets to see some hot baboon-on-Roman-girl action, they just might have a deal. So much for Cassius not needing his help.
Meanwhile, on the other side of the tent, Brutus is drunkenly boasting, to a couple of other bearded Turks, about having killed Caesar. Too bad for him that they've already heard that Caesar was killed by a bunch of guys, and Brutus has to clarify, "I delivered the final blow." But one of the Turk thinks it was pretty cowardly of Brutus to stab a dying man: "Perhaps I shall find a fresh corpse to stab and become great myself." Brutus takes strong exception to this, his upper-crust accent getting distinctly lower-crust as he orders the man to stand. Cassius rushes over to defuse things, which is made more difficult when Brutus calls the Turk a dog. But Cassius manages to get Brutus out of there without any bloodshed, and guides him to their own tent, where he sets Brutus down on the bunk ."My friend, you have lost your way," Cassius says. And he's about to lose his dinner. Brutus just tells Cassius to leave him alone. Cassius does, walking out and probably not hearing when Brutus says he's sorry. Alone, Brutus screams in frustration, burying his face in his toga.
Julii Cooper's in her flower-petal-laden bath, but she's not enjoying it. In fact, she's drinking and crying. It's not a Calgon moment. Antony comes in, not at all contrite about being late. "Revise your expectations, my dear, and I will always be early," he breezes. As he gets undressed (or rather, is undressed by others), Julii Cooper wonders if he caught Agrippa. Antony's not worried about Octavian's friend, however. He says that Agrippa is in Rome to offer Cicero an alliance with Octavian: "Cicero will refuse. I have my foot on his throat, and I'm happy for your son to know it. Agrippa may come and go as he pleases." Now that Antony's in the bath, Julii Cooper wonders what he has planned for Octavian. "I'll not harm him," Antony promises. "He's family." Julii Cooper seems mostly satisfied with that for now. Antony actually reads her mood for once and refrains from ending the scene with some kind of piranha-based or lamprey-related come-on.
Back at the slave barn, Niobe's sister Lyde has found what she thinks is a loose board in the exterior wall to where they're crouched. She's working away at it in the dead of night, while the rest of the slaves sleep crowded on the floor. Vorena the elder worries that they're going to get caught and crucified, but Lyde keeps at it. Finally, she makes a hole big enough to crawl through. She tells Vorena to pass Little Lucius to her after she escapes, and crawls out. The plan's going fine, until Little Lucius gets yanked back inside. Yes, the kids are caught. But Lyde is free, and she starts running. Probably better to go for help than to get recaptured, but that probably doesn't help when the kids are screaming her name from inside. Also, she's not actually going for help.
At the Collegium, we get a nice shot of Vorenus's standard painted on the wall: three dogs of different colors over the legend "L. Voren." Someone's better at drawing dogs than letters. Eirene is carrying a couple of heavy pots up the stairs to the exit. She meets Gaia coming down and asks her for a hand. Gaia makes a helpful suggestion -- "Carry your own piss" -- and continues on her way. Girls gotta stick together around here. "Bitch pug whore," Eirene spits under her breath. "See how you like a whipping." And then her day gets worse once she gets upstairs, because Carbo's rapist is hanging upside down from the ceiling, dead.
Cut to Vorenus's office, where Vorenus confirms that Memmio's guys were behind the murder; he then tells Mascius to call armed assembly. As Mascius leaves to obey, Pullo sighs, "Here we go." Vorenus sarcastically asks if Pullo still wants to compromise, but Pullo says it's too late for that. Vorenus keeps pushing, though, even going so far as to accuse Pullo of being on Memmio's side. Wounded, Pullo wonders if Vorenus has been possessed by a demon: "I'm your friend. I love you. I would never betray you." Of course, Vorenus just learned of a counterexample from long ago, and brings up Pullo's going behind his back. "Tell me," he snarls, "did you enjoy fucking my wife?" This accusation hurts Pullo enough to bring him near tears. "You have stepped over the line!" he nearly sobs. He tries to leave the room, but Vorenus blocks his exit and demands to know whether Pullo ever screwed Niobe, and promises to believe Pullo if he tells the truth. Pullo swears that nothing happened. "I don't believe you," Vorenus seethes. Pullo's had enough, and gets in Vorenus's face, sarcastically yelling that, sure, he fucked Niobe: "Me and half the men on the hill. Any time you were away, bang, legs open, line at the door!" And then the talking's finished, and the fighting's begun. They're fairly evenly matched, because while Pullo's bigger and stronger, Vorenus is meaner, angrier, and half insane. Plus he's got that demon in him. The commotion reaches the floor below, and everyone looks up, wondering what's going on. Vorenus and Pullo grapple on the floor, but then Pullo is able to get away and grab a hanging drape, which he wraps around Vorenus's throat when the smaller man comes for him. He squeezes Vorenus's breath, hoping to take some fight out of him, but he lets go too soon and it doesn't work. Vorenus rushes Pullo, sending them both flying through the office's flimsy wooden window grate and straight down onto the crowded stone floor ten or fifteen feet below. Vorenus is the less wounded of the two, but when he struggles to his knees and raises a fallen candlestick to club Pullo's brains out, he collapses back on the floor instead. Eirene comes to Pullo and helps him up, leaving Vorenus lying there alone. Still no wife for Vorenus. Gaia tries to step into the breach, but Vorenus gasps at her, "Don't touch me," still sounding like the wind's knocked out of him. She leaves him, crying and fetal on the flagstones. And having just ruined any number of parties that were going on.
Pullo limps outside, leaning on Eirene but still somehow standing tall. She wonders where they'll go now, and he manages, "Anywhere. Away from this damn place." Sounds like a breakup to me.
Riding alone now, Brutus is following a trail that meets the edge of a lake. Looking distinctly shaggy now (and better for it, frankly), he wearily dismounts. He steps to the edge of the water and strips naked. He's shot from the side from behind some tall weeds that could block his manhood if the cinematographer wanted, but this is HBO and not Austin Powers, so he figures, "Fuck it." And not for nothing, but our boy Brutus is packing. ["Since that slave sent to Servilia last season, everyone else is going to have a hard time measuring up." -- Wing Chun] Brutus wades in to the waist. Once there, he turns his eyes and hands skyward to pray to Janus. Which is appropriate, what with Janus being the god with two faces. "As this day follows the night, let me start my life anew. As the shore is scoured by the tide, let me be clean. That the seed becomes the flower, let me be born again." Brutus lets himself fall back into the water, and then surfaces, all baptized. I had no idea the Romans invented that practice.
Cicero's also traveling, but he's far from alone. He's got a whole retinue of slaves, and is riding in a litter. Also, he remains clothed. He flicks aside the litter's curtain to look nervously out, but the countryside is empty. Something tells me Antony isn't going to like this.
Speaking of the Consul, Antony enters the filled Senate chamber, where a Senator tells him that they're ready to begin. I wonder what happened to that guy with the voice of Dr. Claw. Antony takes his seat at the front of the room and tells them to go ahead, but then wants to hold off when he notices that Cicero isn't there. The Senator who spoke before says that Cicero is ill. Antony's disappointed, saying that Cicero was planning to make a proposal regarding his governorship of Gaul, and offers, "Should I send my litter bearers to carry him here?" The Senator says that Cicero did send a speech to be read into the record, so Antony gives him the floor. He's actually doing a fairly good job of reining in his usual sarcasm in this auspicious setting. The Senator takes the floor, holding up a scroll on a heavy, heavy spool and announcing, "These being the words of Marcus Tullius Cicero." The speech begins innocently enough, sucking up to Mark Antony for providing Cicero with "the most promising theme imaginable." Antony chuckles to himself modestly. The speech continues: "I address you directly, Antony. Please listen as if you --" here the Senator screeches to a halt. Clearly, this is his first reading of the document. Antony tells him to go on, and the Senator reluctantly does: "Please listen as if you were sober and intelligent and not a drink-sodden...sex-addled...wreck. Ahem." Antony's smirk turns into a scowl, and in the background we can see a few Senators quietly getting up to leave. It's kind of like that bit in Time Bandits when The Evil One is about to blast one of his minions and nobody wants to be around. The speech continues: "You are certainly not without accomplishments. It is a rare man who can boast of becoming a bankrupt before even coming of age. You have brought upon us war, pestilence, and destruction. You are Rome's Helen of Troy. But then..." The Senator can't bring himself to continue, until Antony growls at him to go on. Twice. Finally, the Senator continues, knowing that the words are liable to be his last: "A woman's role has always suited you best." Antony's heard enough, and lunges out of his seat with a mighty roar, attacking the Senator and flooring him with one punch. He takes the scroll spool and begins bludgeoning the man's head with it, finally teeing off on his face. The camera pulls back, and now it's just Antony and the dead Senator in the middle of the Senate floor. This place really needs better security.
And now we're back in the CiceroMobile. Let's not be too proud of Cicero for finally refusing to submit to Antony here. It's not like he stood up to Antony himself; he just sent someone else to do it, and got the guy killed. Heroic. Cicero tells his slave to write a note to Octavian: "Tell him I've exposed Antony for the debauched rat he is. At this time, the Republic would be most grateful to accept Caesar's offer of assistance. We shall need his army at once." I don't know if "exposed" is the right word. Politicians in the modern era get "exposed" all the time, and it doesn't seem to do most of them any harm.
But that is now, and this was then. Three months later, the Town Crier is bringing us up to speed. "In Gaul, the renegade Mark Antony has laid siege to the city of Mutina!" I can't state the situation any more economically than that. It almost sounds like Cicero's denunciation was legally binding or something. And all because Julii Cooper didn't want to move to Macedonia. I like this show, but I'm getting tired of the way it keeps telling me that some of the signal events in the history of Western civilization were actually triggered by capricious chicks. The good news, says the Town Crier, is that the Senate has sent an army led by two generals, which will be joined by Octavian's army. The Town Crier assures us that the combined forces will "crush the rebels." As long as the rebels don't manage to squeeze off one well-aimed proton torpedo, unless I'm thinking of the wrong empire.
Pullo and Eirene are still in Rome. Or rather, back in Rome, as Eirene's expository complaining lets us know that they've been to Messilia and just come all the way back. Pullo says that he has no choice but to get some closure with Vorenus -- blaming the gods for making him do it, of course. Pullo and Eirene arrive back at the Collegium, shocked to discover the formerly busy block all but abandoned, a smoking ruin with a rough barricade thrown up in front of the building. Pullo calls out, and Mascius climbs out from behind the barricade, saying that they've been expecting company. By which he means the kind of company that wants to kill you. He says he's glad to see Pullo, since they need every man they can get. It looks like he's enduring a siege or something. Pullo says that they aren't staying, and asks for Vorenus. Mascius says that Vorenus is gone -- he traveled north to Gaul with Mark Antony months ago; the ex-Consul pretty much drafted him. Mascius says that he's been dealing with the gang war ever since, and lost ten men in the last month. Why anyone bothered to stick around to defend the place after Vorenus left is beyond me. Pullo's completely devastated, and leaves Mascius standing there in the street.
Eirene asks what they're supposed to do now, but Pullo doesn't know. "The gods are playing tricks," he says, sending him to Rome to talk to Vorenus and then taking Vorenus away. Pullo shrugs that he followed instructions, and that maybe he can leave his former friend a letter. "Dear Vorenus, I don't fuck your wife," Eirene suggests, and they share a rueful chuckle. I don't remember her having a sense of humor before. I'm not complaining; somebody around here needs one. They're just about to get going again, Pullo suggesting that they leave Italy entirely. "War's coming again, looks like," he says, as if he's talking about a light rain. "You people," Eirene mutters, earning her a look. Some beaten-down woman in a hooded cloak stops to ask Pullo for directions. Because she's going somewhere and not, say, trying to find help for the nieces and nephew she abandoned to slavery. Suddenly, she recognizes Pullo and grabs his hand. Pullo takes a moment, but he's shocked to realize that he's looking at Lyde. She collapses into sobs, but quickly recovers enough to inform Pullo that the kids are alive. Pullo laughs in amazement as he hugs Lyde. Looks like the gods had a purpose for his trip to Rome after all.
Cut to Pullo on horseback, riding hell-for-leather north. I never get say things like "riding hell-for-leather" in 24 recaps, you know.
Dinnertime at the house of the Julii, and it looks like Julii Cooper's going to be dining alone for the first time in three months. Maybe Octavia should get another friend.
Meanwhile, in the kitchen, Duro sneaks up on the busty maid and steals a kiss. She giggles as she goes about her work, and while her back is turned, Duro produces a small bottle of aquamarine goo and pours it into the pot over the fire. He's going to poison Julii Cooper with Dawn™?
The kitchen maid delivers the first course to Julii Cooper's table. She doesn't like the look of it, and sends it back, asking for the stew instead. The kitchen maid returns to find Duro stirring the stew. "Can't get enough of you, my love," he smarms. He even spoons up the stew into a tureen for her -- which, given that the tureen is the size of a Toyota Echo, takes quite a while as Julii Cooper waits at her dinner table with uncharacteristic patience. Finally, Duro sends her on her way, without even letting her have a taste. The camera zooms in close on the bowl, right into the closing credits.
And in case the suspense is too much for you, Julii Cooper is in the preview for week. Also, Octavian returns, but he'll be played by a different actor. Pleasepleaseplease let it be James Earl Jones.