This show is so like Deadwood for me, in that I find it terribly diverting and entertaining, despite the fact that I have absolutely no idea what's going on, like, ever. That said, I think I got the gist this week: there's a whole lot of blah blah blah between Pompey and Caesar (via Marc Antony, who's been made Tribune, which is apparently important or something) about Caesar's return to Rome, up to and including a big old brawl on the Senate floor. While the politicos are, you know, politicking/smacking each other, Vorenus and Pullo hit the streets of Rome, where Vorenus finds out that his family thought he was dead, and they're really not super-thrilled that he's back, especially since he forgoes the hellos in favor of calling his wife a whore, just because he finds her cradling a baby he knows isn't his. She claims it's their eldest daughter's child, but no one who's ever watched a soap opera is surprised when it turns out to be hers after all. As for Pullo, he goes gambling and ends up in a huge brawl, getting his head bashed in for good measure. He goes stumbling to Vorenus's not-so-happy household, where he gets to have a metal plate put in his head right on their kitchen table, sans anesthesia. Delightful. Anyway, eventually, Antony gathers his troops -- including Vorenus and Pullo -- and heads down to the Senate to try to figure out the whole Caesar's Return To Rome thing without further incident. But en route, the guy who smashed Pullo's head in earlier goes after him with a knife, and when he successfully defends himself, Pullo both appears to have saved Antony's life and starts a big old fight in the streets, which leads to Casear's being declared an enemy of the Republic and, you know, the break-out of total civil war. Apparently, the shit is really about to hit the fan. And in other news, Julii Cooper continues to rock and, I must confess, Marc Antony is kind of totally hot.
Friends, Romans, readers, bear with me this week. Your fearless leader M. Giant is off on vacation, and although I have considerable experience in recapping shows that feature shadowy political machinations, troubled kinky families with a tendency toward bizarre rituals, and protagonists with unusually large skulls, I apparently don't remember my Ancient History at all. I dimly recall making a model of a traditional Roman house out of sugar cubes in eighth grade, and that's about it. I remember the Ides of March, sure, and that whole "et, tu?" thing, and, you know, Cleopatra and Marc Antony and the asps, and...yeah, I'm afraid that's about it. I don't even know Roman numerals. But I did see I, Claudius, so I'm looking forward to some good orgies, lots of nudity, some people getting poisoned -- possibly by their own family members -- plenty of slaves get slapped around, some incest, and possibly some fiddling as Rome burns. But I don't know how accurate any of that is, so you should probably rest assured that this recap will no doubt contain terrible mistakes of great historical proportions.
Last week: lots of white men in English accents plotted things against other white men with English accents. Then everyone took his tunic off. This week, I presume the plotting continues, but I can only hope for further tunic-less-ness.
We open in Caesar's camp, which the lower third of the screen helpfully tells us is located in Gaul, near the Italian border. It is winter. How long ago did everything that we saw last week happen? A week? A day? Six weeks? Twenty-seven years? I have no idea. I guess we just have to say that an indeterminate amount of time has passed since we were last were in ancient Rome. Anyway, a servant/slave/someone comes into Caesar's tent, and reports that they've got three more deserters, because the men are all tired of being away from their families, sleeping in the mud, in the middle of winter. And it's been almost eight years. Also, they're sick of being dragged over to the barber-tent and being forced to get that awful haircut. (I'm fairly certain that the only man who can work a Caesar is George Clooney, and I'm including the actual Caesar in that.) "None of the good men have run, nor will they," Caesar mutters. "Nor will they follow you to Rome," This Guy With All The Information About the Deserters tells him. "Not yet," Caesar says. "Time is running out," This Guy Who I Suspect Is About To Provide Some Helpful Exposition says. "We cannot wait here forever. This is a very precarious position." "What happens in January when your term runs out and we're still sitting here?" he asks. Caesar tells This Guy -- whose name, we blessedly learn, is Posca -- that motivating soldiers is ever so terribly tricky and that maybe he shouldn't try and understand it, being merely a slave. "I trust an education in these subtleties will begin shortly," Posca snips. He sure is sassy, for a slave. Maybe he's not as much a plain, everyday slave as much as he is a LOVE SLAVE. At any rate, Caesar just gives him a vaguely hilarious "oh,you" look, and gets back work. While he rummages around with his paperwork, Posca digs through some of Caesar's stuff, and finds a bag of cash. We finally get the exposition for which this scene was born: Caesar has put Marc Antony up for the position of "People's Tribune," and the money is for the bribes needed to get the votes. Posca is shocked -- SHOCKED -- that Marc Antony is going to be People's Tribune! Why, as far as he understands it, People's Tribune is "a sacred office with power of veto over the senate." Thank you for explaining that, ExposoSlave. No, seriously. The more I can equate Roman politics with, say, Big Brother, the easier this whole thing will be for me to grasp. It's "an office of great dignity and seriousness," apparently. Which is where this whole thing begins to differ from Big Brother. Caesar thinks about this and agrees to send "Strabo" -- an old dude standing in the corner of the room with a book -- along, to make sure that Marc Antony behaves himself.
Cut to a road in the middle of nowhere, where Marc Antony, that scamp, is fucking a tree. Oh, excuse me. That was a bad camera angle. He has a shepardess shoved up against the tree and he is actually fucking her. The entire convoy -- including Vorenus, Pullo, and little Octavian -- wait for him to, you know, finish up. Pullo seems thrilled to be on the road to Rome. In fact, he's got big plans: "I'm gonna drink every drink, smoke every smoke, and fuck every whore in the city!" he crows. Vorenus tells him to have some dignity while he's "under the standard." Pullo nods toward the Tree of Love and points out that Marc Antony isn't showing a lot of dignity. But he is showing a lot of stamina under great scrutiny, I'd like to point out. Vorenus mutters that Marc Antony isn't exactly under the standard, being, you know, over there against the tree with the girl and the sheep and whatnot. Pullo notes to Octavian that Vorenus is three hours away from a wife he hasn't seen in eight years, and is "terrified." Octavian and his lilting accent notes that "surely a reunion is a happy event." Pullo shakes his head and explains the vast number of things that could have gone wrong in the last eight years: "What if she's lost her teeth? What if she's gone skinny? What if she's let some other man between her legs?" Irked, Vorenus calls for silence, but Pullo just grins.
Over by the tree, Marc Antony finally finishes up and gives the shepardess an affectionate slap on the ass before trotting through the sheep and back to his horse with a crow of victory. That man has a fantastic grasp of time-management in the workplace.
And Mark Antony is much loved in Rome, apparently, as he is greeted with the usual when he rides into town: screaming crowds, flowers flung from on high, trumpets, etc. This is much the way I am greeted when I get into the office in the morning. Cato and Pompey watch the uproar, irritably. For what it's worth, I am seeing far too much of Cato's right man-boob right now. Pull up your toga before you leave the house, dude. Cato and his man-boob bitterly mutters that having the love "of the plebs and the proles" doesn't mean much, and he and Pompey storm off.
As for Marc Antony, he salutes the crowd and dismisses his men until he needs them again. He specifically tells Vorenus to go "have some fun," thereby proving that he knows Vorenus not at all: "But first, take [Octavian] back to [Julii Cooper]. Get your reward." Marc Antony starts to take off his armor -- and it is here that I must admit that I think I might be madly, madly in love with him, even if he is given to screwing shepardesses in front of fifty men -- and asks Octavian to tell Julii that he, Marc Antony will see her later. Octavian wrinkles his nose. Marc Antony then heads inside the Senate house -- or something. It's some official Roman-type building thing. Let's just say it's the Senate house -- with a grumpy "Let's get this over with."
Cut to the House of Julii Cooper. She opens the door of...some room somewhere to find Octavia and Octavia's first husband, whom she sharply tells to leave the house immediately. I guess if she's Julii Cooper, then Octavia is Marissa, which makes the former Mr. Octavia...the Yard Guy? I don't know. Anyway, Glabius very crankily announces that he doesn't want to leave. Julii Cooper takes to this idea not at all, and informs him that, if she were not "a genteel woman," she would have him "flayed and hung on a bracket by the door." I need to remember that turn of phrase for difficult days at the office. Julii Cooper then calls for the dogs. Oh, bless her. The threat of being torn limb from limb by rapid animals finally gets Mr. Octavia to leave, albeit in a huff. "Insolent wretch," Julii mutters, and walks back to...you know, wherever, with poor little Octavia trotting behind her. "I hate you," Octavia whines. "I hate you, I hate you." Wow. She IS Marissa Cooper. Who knew The O.C. had so many parallels to Ancient Rome? I so hope to see Sandy Cohen in a toga this year. So Julii Cooper reacts in the only way she can, which is to haul off and slap her daughter. "Silly girl," she says. Octavia promptly scampers off to her room, where she flings herself on her bed and sobs.
As Octavia sobs, Julii Cooper complains to a servant that she's only trying to do what's best for her daughter. "Why can't she see that?" she wonders, mildly. The servant reminds Julii that Octavia is young, but Julii doesn't care about her daughter anymore, because Octavian is back. "My poor rabbit!" she says, as she races over and embraces him. "So thin. Was it very horrible? Of course it was. I can't even imagine. We shan't even talk about it. We shall put it totally out of our minds." Yes. Repress! Repress! Although I don't think it's that Julii wants Octavian to repress any of the trauma of, you know, being kidnapped and whatnot; it's merely that she knows she would find his yapping tiresome and simply has no time for it. She sees Vorenus and Pullo loitering around behind her sons and asks who they are. "You are to be very good to them, Mother," Octavian tells her. "They are particular friends of mine." He explains that they're the ones who saved him from the kidnappers. Julii seems mildly pleased that her son isn't in the hands of crazy murderers anymore and calls for her purse. Vorenus waves off the reward, and Octavian tells his mother that Vorenus and Pullo should stay and eat. Julii tells a nearby servant to have bread and meat put out in the kitchen for the soldiers, but Octavian explains he meant that Pullo and Vorenus should eat WITH THEM. Vorenus pipes up that he needs to go see his wife. "Your wife has waited eight years," says Octavian. "She can wait a while longer." To his mother, he says, "Caesar has given them honorary horses and they ride with the standard. It's perfectly acceptable to eat with them." "Splendid idea! It's symbolic," Julii says. "We shall all dine together, as equals." She promptly snaps her fingers for a slave.
As they walk off, Octavian hears Octavia's sobbing from another room. "Women's troubles," Julii explains. "Nothing a good leeching won't cure." That's true of so many things.
Over in the darkened Senate, Marc Antony looks bored as some people in robe-type things make some kind of...something to Jupiter. I don’t know. It appears to be an offering or a ritual to protect Marc Antony as the "new elected Tribune of Plebs." I'm sure it's all very interesting.
Over at Julii's, she and Vorenus and Pullo chat about all the men they've killed. Well, Julii isn't talking specifically about all the men she's killed, although I'm sure she's responsible for the deaths of one or two, much in the way that the divine Alexis Carrington Colby was responsible for certain people dropping dead on Dynasty. Like the time she killed Cecil Colby by sleeping with him. I'm sure Julii has done that. In fact, I suspect Julii has many things in common with Alexis, up to and including, I would wager, a fondness for fur headdresses. Anyway, it is in this scene that we learn that Vorenus does things by the book! He's a "strict Catonian"! He's a rule-follower! A straight shooter! He doesn't take risks! While Pullo, he flies by the seat of his pants! He doesn't believe in religion! He's a scamp! He's a scoundrel! He does things by his own rules! Man, these two are just a buddy movie waiting to happen. Finally, everyone gets to talking about the need for changes in the Republic. Vorenus is, of course, in favor of the status quo, but Octavian, surprisingly (to me, the uneducated) is for change. He reminds everyone that people are suffering, and that "the streets are full of the homeless and the starving." Julii notes, amused, that she had no idea her son was "such a firebrand." Octavian: "The nobles say that Caesar is a war criminal. They say he wishes to march upon Rome and make himself king." Vorenus: "That is sacrilege. No man of honor would follow him." Me: "Wow, this all makes a lot more sense the second time I'm watching it. Especially when I have to transcribe the dialogue instead of kind of pay attention while also reading Star." Pullo pipes up that he, then, is no man of honor, because he'd like to see Caesar ride in "with elephants, and squash Cato and Pompey and anyone who wants it." Gosh, I sure hope that Pullo and Vorenus learn to get along, and watch out for each other, becoming friends in spite of their differences. But what are the chances? Julii sort of heads this argument off at the pass by offering everyone "a dormouse," which does look divine, if you like dormice. However, suddenly, both men have to go. Go figure. As they prepare to leave, Julii notes that they make "unlikely friends." That, in fact, is the entire basis of the buddy movie, Julii! How quickly you catch on. At this, Vorenus is quick to point out that he and Pullo are not friends: "I am his superior officer." Pullo grins. "By virtue of rank, if nothing else," he says. Finally, Vorenus has had enough. They both begin to storm out. Julii watches them go, and calls this exchange "most refreshing." She calls after them and asks them to come back and see Octavian, who needs "reliable friends." She hopes she can depend on them. They say she can. And leave. Oh, those two! Can't they see they're IN LOVE?
So Vorenus and Pullo part ways on the streets, Vorenus rather kindly giving Pullo directions to least skanky whorehouse. "to the venereal temple," it is. Well, yes, it would be over there, wouldn’t it?
So Vorenus heads home, through rather run-down streets. He walks into a courtyard, where it seems that a man is doing something distinctly unholy to a goat. Although maybe he's just milking it...from behind? Let's speak no more of this. Finally, Vorenus sees his wife, lovingly lit from above, etc. She turns, and sees him. And she just happens to be cradling a baby. "Niobe," Vorenus says. Everyone around them looks at the ground, or the sky, or the guy abusing the goat -- anywhere but at the woman with the baby. "You're alive," Niobe stammers. "What child is that? Answer me. What child is that?" Vorenus snaps. "He's your grandson," Niobe offers. "Speak sense, whore," he spits. Truly, is this not a romantic reunion, the likes of which we have all dreamed? "Your grandson. THE SON OF YOUR DAUGHTER," Niobe repeats, and is forced to remind Vorenus that his daughter is almost fourteen. I know people got married and procreated younger back in Ye Olden Times, but I have to step aside for a moment and say, ew. "His name is Lucius," Niobe tells him, and stomps upstairs. He comes after her, entering the apartment just after Niobe shoves the baby into her eldest daughter's arms. "Your father's home," she hisses, as he comes in. Everyone stares at each other, stunned, until Vorenus awkwardly notes that he's pleased to see them "healthy and good-looking." Everyone stands around awkwardly until Niobe coaxes the girls into a good old-fashioned "welcome home, Dad!" kneel.
Senate House. The crazy ritual appointing Marc Antony People's Tribune is STILL GOING ON. The more I see of this ritual, the more it looks like something out of Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. Marc Antony sighs, looking terribly bored. It's all he can do not to examine his manicure.
House of Vorenus. The baby wails as Vorenus eats dinner. Niobe sends the kids out of the room and says, "Your pay stopped coming a year ago. The paymaster said you must be dead. He said they don't make mistakes." Vorenus grunts that he'll have it seen to. "Bit of a surprise to see me, then?" he asks. "Bit of a surprise to be called whore," Niobe says. Oh, right. That. Vorenus sighs. "That was...wrong. I am sorry for it," he tells her. Not content to accept his apology and, you know, move on with their lives, Niobe shifts into Nag Mode: "A whore, in front of everybody," she continues. He reiterates that he said he was sorry. Cue yet another awkward silence, as Vorenus goes back to eating. "It as you like it?" Niobe inquires, finally. "Less salt time," Vorenus tells her, and she rolls her eyes. He wonders what she did for money while he was presumed dead, and she explains that her sister and brother-in-law helped out. "Well, you won't need their help anymore," Vorenus says, and empties his Wee Bag of Spoils, which includes "a big Phallus" he got from "a Suevii" he killed. Apparently, they're "a very strong and fierce people," he says. "Nice," Niobe offers. Vorenus explains that he's put his official spoils "into slaves" -- like oil, I guess -- and that he should clear 10,000 dinari. At this, Niobe smiles. Vorenus looks a little alarmed that she's so pleased about their newfound riches. She then looks alarmed that he's so alarmed. And the scene ends with the two of them staring off awkwardly into the middle distance. Ah, marriage.
Elsewhere, Pullo is traversing the whorehouses, all of which kindly allow you to look into their windows in order to get a gander at their merchandise. It is here that we learn that Roman whores aren't big on the missionary position. This show really is terribly educational. I hope they're showing it in schools. At any rate, Pullo picks his whorehouse and goes and vigorously has his way with a kind lady of the night. Grunting, he pours wine all over her. If I had a dollar....
Poor Marc Antony. He's still being anointed, or appointed, or whatever. Finally, the priest announces that he is officially "Tribune of Plebs." Marc Antony sighs. "About time," he says. "I need a drink." Truly, a man after my own heart.
So it seems that Julii Cooper is hosting some kind of political meeting at her house. As Cicero blusters in, he apologizes for intruding so late, but Julii waves off the apology, telling him she adores it! "The secrecy! The intrigue! It's most thrilling." Cato stomps in , grousing that this meeting was supposed to be "invisible." Julii assures him coyly that she cannot see him. , a knock at the door. Enter Marc Antony. "General Antony," Julii twitters, and begins to tell him where everyone else is gathered. But she is interrupted thus: "Dear GOD, your beauty is painful," Marc Antony groans. "You are the crucifix of Venus. Let me die in your arms." He kisses her hand. I will marry the man who greets me like this. Julii kind of giggles, as you would in such circumstances, but Cato -- the sourpuss -- interrupts the lovefest by calling for "General Antony" from the other room. "Tribune Antony, if you please," Marc Antony corrects him. Cato then berates him for wearing his soldier's gear. Marc Antony very charmingly tells the old man that it completely slipped his mind that he was still wearing his general's togs, and begs his forgiveness. He then sails over to Julii and asks her to take his tunic and burn it. One of the Senators assures him that's not necessary, and suggests that they retire to another room: "Let's stop all this blathering and get down to business." Cato, of course, takes offense at "blathering," but Julii manages to corral them into the courtyard. "Such vim! I feel like Helen of Troy," she says.
So Pompey and Cato and Cicero sit down with Marc Antony in the courtyard. Octavian eavesdrops as Marc Antony tells the Senators that Caesar is willing to compromise, and wants, above all, to be reasonable. See, when his term as governor of Gaul is over, he's willing to accept command of a single legion province. "So he will have legal immunity. So none of you rascals can go dragging him through the courts," Marc Antony explains. Pompey snarfles that they're there to discuss the terms of Caesar's resignation, not the terms under which he won't flip his shit, although he doesn't say so in so many words. "He could have avoided prosecution by accepting a few years' banishment," Pompey adds. Marc Antony laughs in his face. "For what?" he asks. Cato, naturally, gets all huffy and begins listing Caesar's crimes against the Republic: tyranny, illegal warfare, theft, having a weirdly large head, blah blah blah. "And what shall be your punishment, Pompey, for betraying a friend?" Marc Antony asks. "For deserting the cause of your people? For allying yourself with these so-called noblemen? What punishment for you?" Pompey gets all flustered. "Impudent whelp!" he yelps. Good comeback. "[Caesar's] term of office ends in two weeks," Cicero says, bringing them back around to the subject at hand. "We say six months," Marc Antony retorts. At this, Pompey goes off the deep end, yapping about Caesar and how dare he try to dictate terms, blee blee blah blag. Marc Antony just calmly points that Caesar has many men willing to stand with him, if need be. Someone points out that all those guys are on the far side of the alps. "Winter does not last forever. Spring comes. Snows melt," Marc Antony drawls. "That's a threat!" Pompey squeaks. "I assure you, it is no threat," Marc Antony says. "Snows. Always. Melt." After a beat, Pompey asks what will happen if Caesar doesn't get this province, and Marc Antony shrugs and explains that Caesar will take any measure required to protect his own interests, and what he believes to be in the interest of the Republic. Pompey chews up some scenery so as to fully express how totally irrational he thinks Caesar is being. "If that is his last word, we shall go!" he squeaks. "Then we have no more business," Marc Antony says smoothly.
Pompey and his crew of crabby old men storm through the streets. He's pretty sure Caesar is bluffing: "He's desperately weak! Weaker than we thought! This is a last-ditch attempt to frighten us into making concessions while he still has the semblance of an army!" Oh, Pompey. You are indeed in denial. Which is not, as Marc Antony will one day be able to tell you, just a river in Egypt. Cicero counters this with some proverb about the dying snake biting the deepest, and Pompey makes a face like he ate some bad dormouse.
Meanwhile, Pullo leaves the whorehouse and heads to a bar to do some gambling. He tells the men he joins that he's from Caesar's 13th legion, and a man I'll call Crazy Hair tells him he had better keep that quiet, because "this is deep Pompeian territory." Pullo shrugs and says he doesn't care. He points out that they're all Romans, really, and that he just wants to gamble. And so they do.
House of the Vorenii. The baby cries as the man of the house finally gets some tail after eight long and cold years. It doesn't seem to be going particularly well, in that there appears to be a lot of looking at the ceiling and thinking of England -- or, er, Rome, or wherever -- for Niobe.
But things are going much better for Julii Cooper and Marc Antony, who are also engaging in the physical act of love. It appears from Julii's enthusiastic reaction that Tribune Antony is gifted indeed in the carnal arts. (I don't know why I'm writing about this as though I'm penning narration for Masterpiece Theatre, but it might be to avoid writing what I really want to say, which is that Marc Antony is super, super-hot and I want to lick his face.) In her own room, Octavia lies on her bed and listens to her mother...well, you know.
Outside Casa Julii, Strabo writes to Caesar that "General Antony was as blithely arrogant and provocative as one could hope for. And Pompey and Cato were deeply offended by your negotiating position." He signs his letter as Julii's screams of ecstasy...well, you know.
Across town, Pullo is still gambling. Unfortunately, things have taken a turn for the worse for our resident charming brute, because it turns out that his opponent is cheating at dice. So Pullo stabs him right through the neck. You know, as you do. And this turns into a terrible bar brawl. As it does. Crazy Hair watches as someone smashes Pullo right in the brain with...something I can't really see, but it sure looks painful. Pullo is stunned, and starts staggering around like a madman. And the die is cast indeed. Indeed!
The morning, a woman walks past a rooster and...sticks something into a Wheel of Fortune-type wall outside. If I were to hazard a guess, I'd say it was a calendar of some sort, but I don't know. Look, if I had to make another Roman house out of sugar cubes, we'd be okay, but otherwise, I'm recapping blind here with the Romans. Anyhoodle, Pullo stumbles into Vorenus's house and falls on the ground, brains all falling out of him, as the cock crows. Tee hee. Cock. I am twelve. Vorenus yells at Niobe to run and get a doctor.
In the scene, Pullo gets something extracted from his brain and a steel plate put into his head on Niobe's kitchen table. While he's conscious. And the whole town watches. And that is all I can say without losing consciousness myself.
So, I'm pretending I never saw the inside of his head, right? We're all on board with that, okay? Thank you. Anyway, Pullo is all bandaged up in Vorenus's bed. The doctor packs up his primitive instruments and gives Vorenus instructions. Apparently, among the things Pullo can look forward to in the wake of his brain surgery is "copious pus -- first putrid, then wholesome." Those are words I hope never, never to hear. But apparently, "that will be all to the good." Vorenus pays the doctor, who also suggests offending "a white rabbit" to Spes.
As for Niobe, she's really very cranky about having to clean the surgery detritus off her kitchen table, as one would be. Vorenus's statement that "it's only blood, it will wash" doesn't seem to help, as she gets very naggy with him while he's trying to leave to attend to some mysterious business. "I understand that you are upset, but I will ask you, do not question me in thattone," he hisses at her. She pulls a face and goes back to cleaning table. "Tone," she mutters after he leaves. "MY FATHER'S COCK. How's THAT for tone?" she yells after him. Well, I'd say it was pretty sassy, young lady.
Vorenus checks on his slaves. They seem fairly unhappy, since they are, you know, enslaved. They are also not ready to be sold, according to the slavekeeper, because they're too skinny. Or something. I have to admit, I have no idea what happened in this scene, since I was very distracted by the slavekeeper's outfit, which looked like he was wearing a wicker trash bucket on his head for a hat.
Over at....gladiator practice or something, Pompey is watching his slaves duke it out. Enter Cicero. I've been having trouble telling him and Cato apart, but I think I've finally realized that Cicero is the kinda fey, younger one, while Cato acts like a crabby old woman. After some yapping, Cicero gets down to business. He wants to know what's up with the whole Caesar hoo-ha. What's the plan? What are they doing to control their little problem? Pompey explains that tomorrow, in the Senate, "Scipio" will propose an ultimatum to Caesar. He wants Cicero to support this ultimatum and make his friends do the same. Cicero, of course, asks what, exactly, the ultimatum is. I don't even need to hear it to know that it's not going to work. Men never respond to ultimatums. If only the Romans had had Cosmo. It appears that everyone would have likewise enjoyed the sex tips. Anyway, the ultimatum is that Caesar must disband his men immediately and return for trial, or be considered an enemy of the state. "But he cannot accept that, not without dishonor," Cicero wisely points out. "He will fight at any cost. You are declaring war!" Pompey chuckles that Caesar won't have to refuse OR accept, because he's quite sure Marc Antony will use the Golden Power of Veto to overturn the ultimatum. Cicero then speaks for the television audience and asks what the hell they're talking about. Well, more or less. Pompey explains that this whole thing will basically function as a vote of no confidence. If the Senate votes against him, Caesar will know he is all alone. "Of course, anything but an overwhelming vote causes Caesar to think he still has friends and hope," Pompey adds, giving Cicero a pointed look. Cicero thinks. "I am no friend to Caesar, nor any tyrant," he says, but adds that he cannot vote for a proposal he doesn't want to see realized: "It would be...irreligious." So Pompey gets all up in his grill and says that unless he gets full backing of the Senate, he will sail for Spain and leave EVERYONE to their own defenses against Caesar. In other words, if Pompey doesn't get his way, he is taking his toys and going home. Cicero gives him a sort of "You are making trouble for everyone, you big baby, and lo, it troubles me" sort of look. And scene.
Cut to Vorenus's place, where Vorena (his daughter) and her Underage Lover (Crito is his name-o) are standing around awkwardly holding the baby which clearly doesn't belong to them. Niobe assures Vorenus that Crito is a good kid, from a good family; the children should clearly, clearly allowed to be married; and by all means, no one should look too closely at the baby. Vorenus kind of rides Crito for not asking permission to nail Vorenus's daughter, kindly overlooking the fact that everyone thought he was dead. Nevertheless, poor Crito is very sorry. He's even more sorry when Vorenus blusters that he'd be within his rights to kill everyone right there. "Papa, please," Vorena offers, but he tells to stop sniveling. "You should have thought of this before you spread your legs," he snaps. She looks hurt and offended, and Niobe leaps in before this all takes a turn for the worse and reminds Vorenus that the whole leg-spreading thing was only natural. "They're young, and they love each other!" she pleads, as the kids look...awkward. Niobe assures her husband that Crito's family is both prosperous and of good stock, and finally, finally Vorenus comes around and gives the kids permission to get hitched, after Crito comes of age. He then stomps off. Once he's out of sight, Niobe kisses the boy enthusiastically and gives her daughter a relieved look, before running after Vorenus.
Upstairs in their apartment, Niobe assures Vorenus that Crito really is a good boy: "You should be pleased." Vorenus huffs: "My daughter's virginity has been taken and my first grandson spawned by an ill-favored prole. How can I be pleased?" Over in the bed, all be-bandaged, Pullo eavesdrops. Niobe calls after a storming-out Vorenus that Crito makes their daughter happy. "Well, she's an idiot, then," he says as he goes. Oh, Vorenus. All thirteen-year-olds in love are idiots. "What a brute you are," Niobe snaps. Vorenus comes back to stare at her, and then sighs sadly and leaves. Niobe turns and looks at Pullo, who very quickly pretends that he didn't hear any of that.
So, everyone files into the Senate, and in short order, Scipio gets up and proposes a formal motion that unless Caesar returns for trial, he will be declared a public enemy of the Senate and of Rome, blah blah et cetera blah. Cicero looks nervous. Marc Antony looks alarmed. There is a lot of standing and clamoring as they go to a vote. Scipio's side, of course, votes in favor. Everyone turns to Cicero, who looks very, very hesitant, and finally also votes in favor. Marc Antony's mouth drops open...and people then literally start punching the shit out of each other as the motion carries. Man, if only this happened nowadays. C-Span would be killing in the Nielsens. Cicero screams across the melee to Antony: "VETO THE MOTION! VETO THE MOTION!" And Marc Antony stands up and yells that he demands the floor. He tries desperately to veto the motion, but no one hears him. They're all too busy punching each other.
Later. Cicero and Pompey are talking to the head of the Senate, who has a big old gash on his forehead. He assures them that the motion stands because Marc Antony's veto wasn't heard and wasn't fully admitted. Pompey stammers that he doesn't want a motion this important to stand on a mere trick of procedure. Also, because now he knows he's totally screwed. Old Senate Head Guy is offended. "There are no tricks in religion," he tells them. Cicero makes a thoughtful face. "Session was not formally ended, correct?" he asks, slowly. This is true. "So, when we reconvene, it will formally be the same session," he says. Yes. "Then Tribune Antony may use veto on the motion," he reasons. Why...yes, that is true! And everyone is relieved. That Cicero, he's good with the logic. As Pompey leaves the Senate, he tells his henchman that Marc Antony must not be harmed or hindered in any way: "It is VITALLY IMPORTANT that he be allowed to use his veto." He leaves off the part where otherwise, he's toast.
So, Marc Antony gets the news about the meeting being the same session, he can still use his veto, blah blah. "Unless Pompey tries to stop me," he says, and tells Vorenus to rally the men together. "All of them." Hmm. I don't rightly recall much of Roman history, but I am pretty sure this veto thing is not going to happen the way Pompey wants.
At Vorenus's, Pullo is playing peek-a-boo with the baby. I have never seen a man recover from brain surgery so fast. He's singing a sweet little song to the baby, too. It includes the adorable line, "all your men are dead." That is so precious. Niobe brings him a drink, with "extra nutmeg, just the way [he] likes it." Pullo sighs. "Ah, marry me, goddess," he says. "What, a porcine object like you?" she chuckles, and reminds him that she's already married, "thanks be to evil spirits." As Vorenus comes in behind them -- and just in time to eavesdrop -- Pullo tells Niobe that Vorenus is a good man. Niobe retorts that she used to pray for Vorenus's safe return. "I was so lonely. For eight years I wept. Every day, the girls would ask, 'When is papa coming home? Is it today? When?' And now he's home and I wish he was in Gaul. He's a cold, mean brute. Not one loving word. To me or his daughters." Hidden, Vorenus listens silently. Pullo agrees that Vorenus isn't that skilled with the ladies. But he was always faithful to her: "'Pullo,' he'd say to me, 'Pullo, my old friend, I have a wife back home. Niobe is her name. And she's worth more to me than all the women of Gaul.'" Niobe grins and thanks him. "I know you lie," she says. "He's no friend of yours. He told me so." Beside them, the baby cries, as Pullo offers that Vorenus has an "ill temper" and would say anything.
At this, enter Vorenus, who's had enough eavesdropping. "Antony needs every man. We rendezvous at the house of Atia," he tells Pullo. He then gives Niobe his wee bag of money, and promises to give her more when he sells the slaves. He tells her to stay inside with the girls until she knows it's safe. Beat. "It saddens me that you are unhappy," he tells her. "Because I have a deep affection for you. When I return, we will talk." Aw. Maybe these two kids will make it work.
Julii's. Marc Antony dines with Octavia and Julii, the latter of whom tells the morose-looking Octavia to look alive: "Talk to the poor man. Ask him questions." To Marc Antony, Julii adds, "One would think she'd been raised by Germans." "General Antony, does my mother's screaming irritate you?" Octavia asks pertly. The good general doesn't follow. "When you and my mother are in coitus, there is a deal of screaming," Octavia says. Marc Antony hides a smile behind his wine glass. Octavian looks appalled. Julii just looks mildly amused. "I find it extremely irritating," Octavia adds. "I wonder whether you did also. Or perhaps you like it. A testament to your skills." Julii sighs. "So spiteful. And for what? You shame only yourself," she says. Octavia responds to this by pulling a When Harry Met Sally and faking an orgasm. She then nonchalantly pops a grape in her mouth. "She has you exact," Marc Antony grins. Julii just rolls her eyes.
The gritty streets of Rome. The rowdy Pompeians are being warned that Antony must not be touched. No one must be harmed! Anyone who starts trouble "will be on a cross by nightfall." Well, if that doesn't keep you in line, there's just no keeping you in line at all, as far as I am concerned.
Marc Antony and his band of merry men walk through the streets. Conveniently, Pullo has wrapped a red scarf around the hole in the back of his head and he's right at the front of the pack, right to Marc Antony, all of which makes him very easy to identify. As they head toward the Senate house, Pullo sees Crazy Hair in the crowd, and Crazy Hair likewise sees him. Crazy Hair goes right at Pullo with a knife. As Vorenus pulls Marc Antony to safety, Pullo slits Crazy Hair's throat. And then, gentle readers, we have a melee as everyone starts yelling, and draws his weapon. Marc Antony has his sword out and starts backing away. "Rally to me," he tells his troops calmly. "Rally to me."
Pompey comes out onto the steps of the Senate house just in time to see the bloodshed. "NO BLOOD!" he yells, a bit too late. "NO BLOOD!" Well, your little plan went swimmingly, didn't it? Way to go. And the stabbing continues. Vorenus suffers a wound, but is dragged off by one of his own men. Pompey sweeps back into the Senate and tells Cato bitterly that now he's getting what wants: "Come spring, [Caesar] will cross the Alps and his legions will march on Rome." Cato's man-boob sags.
Marc Antony and his retinue ride full-bore back to Gaul. Caesar gets a note from the courier they sent ahead, and asks how long it will take Marc Antony to get there. "No more than an hour, sir," the courier says. Caesar sighs thoughtfully. "Sound assembly," he says.
Back in Rome, the town crier is telling everyone to go ahead and kill Caesar if they run into him at the video store or wherever.
Meanwhile, Marc Antony and his men finally return to Caesar's encampment. And boy, are they dirty. Vorenus dramatically falls off his horse, holding his gut.
Marc Antony comes sweeping into Caesar's tent. Caesar tells him that, finally, Pompey has surprised him: "I had hoped to provoke some kind of aggression, sure, but to try and kill a tribune? In the forum? The man's found some hard black iron in his soul." Marc Antony just glugs some wine and says that he's sure the entire thing was engineered by "yon demented little worm Cato. It's excellent, this," he adds, of the wine. Caesar suggests seeing what "the men" have to say, and stops Marc Antony from washing his pretty, pretty face before they go out to review the troops. "You look just right as you are. Like Leonidas at Thermopylae" Of course, that's who he reminds me of!
"Any of your people I can mention?" Caesar asks, as he and Dirty Pretty Boy head out to whip their men into a fighting frenzy. Marc Antony tells him that Titus Pullo saved his life, so, you know, maybe him? Caesar nods, as a slave kneels on his hands and knees to act as a living stepstool so that Caesar can get on his horse. Nice moment, that. The troops are assembled. Caesar rides among them, announcing that he is now formally an enemy of Rome, and a criminal. Everyone boos. "They have declared, in effect, that all of you also are criminals." Boooooo! Caesar further explains that Marc Antony and some of the men of the 13th were assaulted by the Pompeians. "A Tribune of the Plebs assaulted on the steps of the Senate house! Can you imagine a more terrible sacrilege? Our beloved Republic is now in the hands of madmen! This is a dark day, and I stand at a fork in the road! I can abide by law and surrender my arms to the Senate and watch the Republic fall to tyranny and chaos! Or I can go home with my sword in my hand and run those maniacs to the Tarpian rock!" he yells. Everyone cheers and cheers. Dude, is that Tarpian rock? Then turn it up! And that is officially the dorkiest joke I have ever made.
Caesar calls for Pullo to step forward, which he does with great reluctance. I think he worries that he might be about to get blamed for this whole war thingie. He looks relieved indeed when Caesar explains that Pullo "drew first blood" to save Marc Antony, and then tosses him a big old bag of money. Caesar then asks if Pullo will come with him to Rome. "Yes," Pullo says softly, and then recovers. "Yes sir! Certainly!" he shouts. "Titus Pullo is with me! And you? Are you with me?" Caesar asks the troops. Luckily for him, they are totally with him! Pullo smiles. Marc Antony looks secretly pleased and proud. And dirty. Also hot.
Cut to the river. The Rubicon, I presume. A small boy fishes as Caesar rides his beautiful white horse over the river (and through the woods, at some point, probably, although I doubt he will be stopping at his grandmother's), followed by his entire legion. The kid watches, fascinated. Marc Antony sees him, and winks.
Behind them a ways, the infirmary cart splashes into the water. Inside, Vorenus wakes up to see Pullo watching him sleep. Ah, young love. "Water?" Pullo offers. Vorenus, a real brain trust, notes that they're moving. "Where to? It's a river. What river?" he asks, looking out the window. "This is the Rubicon!" Vorenus deduces. Pullo tells him to stay calm. "This is rebellion and treason and I am no traitor," Vorenus says, trying to sit up. Pullo shrugs that it's too late, because they're already in Italy. "You're a rebel, whether you like it or not," he says. Vorenus shakes his head. "Caesar, Caesar. What have you done?" he mutters. Pullo points out that the big guy really had no choice: "Pompey did try to kill Marc Antony, after all." Vorenus rolls his eyes and says that Pullo, of all men, should not try to make that argument. Although...how Vorenus would know that Crazy Hair was going after Pullo is beyond me. "You know who was being attacked," he adds. But how do YOU know? You weren't at the bar. I guess he just assumed...although why he didn't assume what everyone else assumed, I don't know "I don't know what you mean," Pullo says, and Vorenus tells him that it doesn't matter" "We're all dead men, anyhow." Pullo sort of rolls his eyes and says that he thinks they'll be all right. He offers Vorenus the canteen again. "Better to die of thirst," Vorenus brats. "Don't be foolish," Pullo says, and makes him drink.
Rome. Some dude comes tearing out of his house to scream to the streets that Caesar is in Italy. I guess he read that on the internets or something.
House of Vorenii. Vorena comes inside and asks her mother if she's heard the news, which she has. The baby begins to cry, and Vorena picks him up and hands him over to Niobe. "What's going to happen?" she asks. "War is going to happen," Niobe tells her, as she holds the baby to her breast. "Who's my greedy little piglet?" she croons to the infant, as it latches on and drinks. And I really hate to say it, but duh.