It's the Rock of Love: Bus reunion! Where our belated reality Easter baskets are filled with punches to the head and drunken smack talk. Lame? You be the judge. Riki Rachtman is once again our host, looking more than ever like a member of Sha-Na-Na. He keeps the hair grease industry in business. We quickly review last year, when Bret chose Ambre to be his second rock of love and then chose to make some more money by dumping her in favor of a third season. This year, he decided the only way he could find a woman who could handle his lifestyle was to take his gaggle of skanks on the road with him. There were 23 women, two tricked-out buses, and a strange burning sensation that we couldn't quite identify. Magic ensued.
Riki has us say hello to the women of Rock of Love: Bus, about a third of whom I totally don't remember. There's Ashley, who's clearly drunk already, Natasha, Jamie, Brittaney, Megan (who?), Nikki aka DJ Lady Tribe, Beverly, Farrah, Melissa of the popped boob, Kelsey who looks totally different and kind of gross with long dark hair that accentuates her vampire teeth, Heather (who?), Marcia (yay!), Gia (twat shot!), Mindy, Brittanya, Samantha (who?), Maria, Marci (who?), Constandina, Jennifer, and Kami. And then there's the prettiest of them all, Big John! Riki then welcomes a true icon in the world of rock n' roll. Don't get too excited, it's just Bret. He emerges from a cloud of smoke, probably because he has to be fumigated before interfacing with the public. He has some facial hair that makes him look more like a vagina than ever. Riki notes that Bret always has smoking chicks around him, and asks if he ever just wants to settle in with a cup of Sleepytime tea and a good book. Bret deadpans that that's never happened. Because he's illiterate. Best Lifetime movie ever.
Riki notes that Bret was looking for a sensual, beautiful, spiritual woman... who hadn't taken a vow of celibacy. Yes, everyone, it's time to get an update on Constandina! First we get a Constandina highlight reel, which is something like taking a tour of Cracktown, which lies halfway between the foot of the Appalachian mountains and outer space. We do get to relive Bret saying, "Taj Ma-hiyo!" which is pretty awesome. We then see Constandina talking about her religious vow not to have "all the way" sex for three years, and she takes the stage. She looks good, if still crazy after all these months. Riki asks her if she's still celibate. Constandina is not only back to riding the pole, but she's doing so with her new husband! Yes, she's married. She moved to Nashville and met a great guy who she then married on Christmas Eve in Times Square with the Naked Cowboy presiding. How spiritual of her! Someone from the audience yells out, "Was it Bret?" Awesome. Bret says that the naked cowboy is his brother.
Constandina tells us that Bret misunderstood the whole "vow of celibacy" thing. She actually came on the show because she was looking for the right person with whom to come out of the vow. Bret is all, "You could have told me this before, crack monkey." Seriously, though, I don't even think Bret wanted to hit that. In other news, is it just me or does the name "Constandina" make you have a strange craving for Carnation Instant Breakfast? Okay, just me. Whatever, I'm gonna love it in an instant on my own. Constandina says that Bret is a very spiritual person, who gets distracted by the physical realm. Bret nods quite seriously and says, "Right," which makes me nervous. If he goes into Celebrity Rehab for a sex addiction I QUIT. Constandina wants to give him a reminder of his spiritual side. It's a bedazzled third eye that she puts right on his bandana! Ha! Bret quips that he now has a fourth eye, then apologizes and sincerely thanks Constandina. The editors throw in a giant sparkle emanating from the third eye, which is amazing. Constandina doesn't want Bret to forget that he's a wonderful spirit, because he has the entire universe at his disposal, and not just earthly things. Bret says that he feels a spiritual something-or-other coming on very soon. I'm voting for a vow of silence.
When we return from commercials, Riki asks how many of the cast members found love on the rebound. Several raise their hands. A couple are engaged and/or married, and someone is even pregnant! I do not recognize her at all and we never follow up, but we do get a shot of Maria clapping so know that whatever mysterious ailment she had didn't actually kill her. Thanks for that closure, VH1!
Riki tells us that for more than a few of the girls, the Rock of Love bus was fueled with alcohol. We go to the clips, which feature our good friend Marcia, who ate Doritos, vomited, and kissed Bret, in that order. The first few episodes of this show really were the greatest. And then ha! Marcia throws chips at Ashley, and Ashley dumps beer on Marcia, and then Marcia chokes Ashley! Oh, I'm going to build a ranch house on this Memory Lane, I love it so! And then there's DJ Lady Tribe, who was such a delight for the brief time that we knew her. All the drugs she took were legal, in case you forgot. I can't believe there's no footage of the twat shot! That was legendary. DJ Lady Tribe, Marcia and Gia come up to sit on the couch. Marcia looks gorgeous, and Bret tells her so. Gia looks pretty good too. DJ Lady Tribe looks just how you'd think she'd look.
Riki asks Marcia if she regrets drinking gallons of tequila, or anything else. She does not. She says that she came in and was real from the beginning to the end. She was herself, and honest. And her honest self is a possibly alcoholic good time! Riki brings up the best Dorito Bret's ever tasted -- the infamous upchuck kiss. Bret says that while he enjoys Doritos, there was a little tinge of a kicker in there. Marcia's lips were so awesome that the puke didn't even matter. I ate breakfast while watching this whole thing and didn't even get queasy, which I think shows you what a fabulous Rock of Love tolerance I've developed. Bret gives props to all the girls for hanging really well during the whole tour. Riki says that some of these girls can out-party the bands that Bret tours with, and Bret agrees. Things turn a bit serious as Riki asks the three girls whether any of them think they might have a problem with alcohol. Gia says that she definitely does, and adds that she stopped drinking completely two months ago. This was a direct result of seeing DJ Lady Tribe put a shot glass in her vagina. Funny, that made me start drinking more. DJ Lady Tribe tells us that she met someone who put her in $10,000 rehab, which was kind of cool. I don't even want to know all the details behind that. She says she's doing well now, and I'm sure is Lindsay Lohan's new BFF.
But forget these now-sober losers, because there was a way better group of drunkards on the bus -- The Blondetourage! The Blondetourage kissed Bret en masse, they attacked other girls while they were having group showers then dumped salsa in said girls' luggage, they opened frozen dinners with some duress and proclaimed the lameness of people who ate basil, they showed up incredibly drunk to elimination and made the others nervous. In short, they were the best. Ashley and Farrah forever!
Riki invites Ashley, Farrah and, mysteriously, Melissa to the stage. Ashley and Farrah sit to each other on the couch while Melissa sits on the arm of Bret's chair. Ashley yells, "Who is this?" and Farrah throws in a, "What the French?" for good measure. A guy from the audience helpfully yells back that Melissa was on Rock of Love: Bus and popped her boob. Can you imagine forever being known as the lady who popped her boob on TV? Riki asks Melissa why she's not sitting with Ashley and Farrah, and Melissa quietly says that they don't get along. Thanks, Master of the Obvious. Melissa claims that she started the Blondetourage. Farrah and Ashley are incredulous. May I add that Farrah looks smokin'. She either got plastic surgery or lost some weight, or maybe just finally drank some water. Hydration works wonders for the skin. Farrah and Ashley continue to ask who Melissa is, and Ashley requests a pen and paper so she can give Melissa her autograph. Awesome. Riki conducts an impromptu audience poll to determine which side is the real Blondetourage, which, duh. Farrah and Ashley demonstrate the Blondetourage handshake -- bumping boobs, puss, and ass -- which Melissa does not know because she is not part of the real Blondetourage. Riki dismisses Melissa for a moment as Ashley and Farrah yell at her to get the fuck off the stage. Hmm. These two are suddenly not as amusing as I remembered them to be. Also, I can't believe that Riki didn't even follow up about Melissa's popped boob!
Moving on, Riki asks Farrah who are the true Blondetourage alumni. Farrah answers this question seriously, which cracks me up. In the beginning there was Gia, but after she got eliminated Farrah and Ashley were the Blondetourage core. Farrah notes that she and Ashley sent Bret a friend request -- I'm guessing on Facebook or Myspace -- which he has apparently not yet confirmed! That is cold. Riki asks if Bret is a member of the Blondetourage, and I am now officially tired of hearing the word Blondetourage. Bret does confirm that Ashley and Farrah could party their asses off, which is something I think we already knew. Riki then asks Bret if he knew the secret handshake, and Ashley replies, "He knows a different kinda handshake that I taught him." Okay, that was awesome. Riki, crack interviewer that he is, asks Ashley what the purpose of the Blondetourage was, and Ashley says, "The purpose of the Blondetourage is what the fuck would be the purpose of Rock of Love without us?" It may sound obnoxious but she is, in fact, correct, as is Farrah when she interjects that the season got so lame once they were booted. She adds that even when they felt like they couldn't party anymore they still sucked it up and partied just for the show. It is a triumph of the spirit, for sure, and I personally thank them for it.
Bret notes that when they left the level of partying went down, and Ashley asks who the eff wants to see Taya crimp her hair for eight hours. The answer is: Taya. Riki praises the girl-on-girl action of the Blondetourage, as does Bret. He says he can't think of a man in his right mind who would stop it, and Ashley and Farrah interject that Natasha might. Oh, dude. I mean, dude. Sorry, Nathaniel. Riki asks Ashley if she's into chicks, and she says of course she's into chicks and also into guys and also into Brittanya, whom she calls a hot bitch. Farrah then touches up Ashley's lip gloss as well as her own before putting it back down her cleavage, and we're done. Aw, I will miss those guys. I don't think we're going to get, What the French? Of Love either. Perhaps that's for the best.
And then it's time to talk about Brittaney, the sweaty sock thief! She stole sweaty socks, remember? And then she got all racial with Natasha, which led to her saying that her grandfather is black. Good times! Brittaney goes up on stage and Marcia gives the thumbs down. Riki asks Brittaney if she's sorry that she brought up the race thing in her conflict with Natasha. Brittaney says she is sorry about it, and adds that she was misunderstood. What she meant was that Bret totally does not dig black chicks and everyone knows it. True enough, I guess. Brittaney concludes by repeating the thesis of her argument, which is, "I was under the impression that Natasha wasn't his type." Natasha is not buying it, even though Brittaney says that they're cool now. Riki asks Natasha if she thinks she's Bret's type, and Natasha asks who gives a fuck about Bret's type. It's all about who her type is. She asks what guy wouldn't want her. This might be an even better time to poll the audience.
And then, there are comments from the vodka tonic gallery as Kelsey yells out drunkenly that Natasha does porn. Natasha is proud of it, and yells, "Six figures!" over and over. This only prompts Kelsey to yell, "Okay, Nathaniel." This, in turn, prompts Natasha to knock Kelsey the fuck off of her stool and, apparently, beat the shit out of her. Unlike Amy Ray, Natasha does have a need for anger with intimate strangers. We don't get to see the nitty gritty, but it appears that Kelsey has to be carried off the stage, so good times! I think the move that Natasha just pulled is called "the speed bump." We head to commercials so Big John can mop up the blood and hair extensions.
When we return, Riki reminds all the girls that violence does not rock the bus or anything else, and that you can probably get sued and stuff for knocking another girl's clock, so they should cool it. It is then time to focus on the final two. Riki turns to Bret and gives him a quick quiz: Ginger or Mary Ann? Bret replies that Ginger is sexy, but for some reason he just wanted to nail Mary Ann. This is evidence of deep psychic something, probably idiocy. We get a Mindy and Bret montage. There was chemistry. There was leopard print lingerie. There were sexy times. There were also tears, and funks. Bret wanted Mindy to spit out her feelings, marking the first time he ever asked a girl to spit anything. Mindy did not win, proving her theorem that she always loses at love.
Mindy comes on stage, and she really does look pretty. She and Bret totally make out for a minute, but the camera cuts away before we can see him grab her boob. He has to turn around before sitting back down, and yells over his shoulder, "Hold on, I'm adjusting." A class act, that one! And then it's time for Riki's soliloquy. Season one, Bret picked Jes. She wasn't what they thought, but Riki felt that Bret made the right choice. Daisy is one of Riki's best friends (really?), but in season two he thinks Bret also made the right choice in choosing Ambre. This year, Riki thinks that Bret made the wrong choice. Hiyo! Bret does not likey. Riki says this is not a dis on Taya, but she sucks and Mindy was by far the less annoying of the two options. I'm with him on that one.
Riki then asks Mindy how, in a season with such deep divisions, she got along with most of the girls pretty well. Mindy says that she was one of the more real people on the cast, without anything to hide or any ulterior motives. She's just Mindy, and sometimes that's annoying but at least she's upfront about it. Farrah and Ashley look bored out of their gourds. Riki points out that, even though this show is a total stunt, real feelings are involved and hearts get broken. Bret acknowledges that it's hard to travel in such close quarters and not get emotionally involved at some point. Riki asks what made Mindy stand out, and Bret says that she was the most sincere about wanting to find a relationship. Mindy says that's true, and then busts out that she was in love with Bret and he really broke her heart. Her only regret was that she never looked at him and told him that she was in love with him. Oh, boy. Stop now, Mindy, stop now! She doesn't. Even Big John gets a tear in his eye, of embarrassment and shame. Mindy says that she left her heart on the tour bus. There hasn't been a single day where she hasn't thought about Bret and missed him, and one day it hit her that she never actually told Bret that she was so in love with him that she couldn't see straight. Bret tells her that if she had said that on the show, things might have turned out different. He thinks, however, that he and Mindy are going to be very close for a long time. This means that he wants to eff her backstage, I think. Someone needs to invent a He's Just Not That Into You book club for Mindy to join. Do not be friends with this man, Mindy! Give us a call, girlfriend, and we will tell you all about it. Do you guys think we can form some sort of Facebook support group for Mindy? I'm kind of worried about her now.
Riki asks Mindy how her life is different, and Mindy says that now Old Navy staff members want to take pictures with her. Also, she drinks alone when she gets melancholy, has "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" on repeat play and gets unusual tingles when she passes the wig store. Mindy adds that every time she's having a bad day someone makes her smile. She likes that people like her, and says that it touches her every time someone approaches her to say so. Now we're going to have to start another Facebook support group for Mindy called, "Two months after you're on Rock of Love, no one will remember you." Riki totally hopes that something romantic will happen between Bret and Mindy in the future. He's a terrible interviewer/host, but a romantic at heart.
And then it's time to revisit the road that led Bret and Taya together. That road was littered with tacky lingerie and Penthouse centerfolds. Taya was a dirty cheeseball from moment one, and also knew how to work a pole. Bret also questioned whether her romance with him was part of a business plan. Yes. But she claims to have fallen for him anyway. The final quarter of the romance montage is set to Taya singing her crap song about once up on a time starting now. Ha! And remember when she fell off the stage? Oh, I wish that could happen again!
Taya emerges, wrapped in shiny foil. She and Bret make out and even DJ Lady Tribe has to cover her eyes. That's bad. Mindy looks like she's either going to cry or cut a bitch. Bret and Taya sit to each other, and Taya says her heart's going crazy. Riki obviously hates her, as he responds to this by pointing out that she's got lipstick on her tooth. She wipes it off, then turns to the audience and asks, "Am I perfect yet?" Some people just can't do self-deprecating. Riki notes that many people thought Taya was just on the show to promote herself. Taya says that she never thought she could hide something like being a Penthouse pet. Bret asked her what she did for a living, and she said, "I take naked pictures." Beverly yells out something about Taya being a stripper, and Taya says that she never said she didn't used to be a stripper. I think the "used to be" is the part in question, here. Hilariously, Farrah and Ashley are turned totally around, refusing to watch the horror onstage before them. Bret says that Taya took a lot of punches on the road (not literally, sadly), and adds that neither he nor anyone else has the right to cast the first stone about what somebody does. Beverly rolls her eyes, and if Constandina had put a third eye on her she would have rolled that as well.
Riki notes that Mindy worked hard to put seeds of doubt in Bret's mind. He asks her if she still mistrusts Taya's motives. Mindy says that she didn't work hard to plant anything, she just answered questions honestly when they were asked of her. However, she never saw in Taya's eyes the same things she was feeling about Bret. Mindy repeats that she was smitten and crazy and in love, and she didn't see that in Taya's eyes. Taya sits there with dead eyes, or maybe it's the shadow of those hideous fake eyelashes. Riki asks what it feels like for Taya to hear Mindy question her motives. Taya says that she was a good friend to Mindy and there for her on the show. They talked and had private discussions, and Mindy took that stuff and used it against Taya. Taya says Mindy saw that she was invested in Bret, and adds that she doesn't have to defend herself to Mindy or anybody. She was good to Mindy, and didn't stab her in the back, and never said a nasty word about her and never would. Mindy shoots daggers with her eyes. Bret notes that what mattered to him was how people treated other people, and Taya treated the others great. He adds that he, Mindy and Taya all became emotionally attached to the point where it was painful. That's when things started sucking. Bret tells us that a lot of shows out there are straight bullshit, but this one is real and very emotional. Intriguing, eh? In the end, he says, Mindy didn't express how she felt about Bret but Taya did, and that swayed his decision.
There's one more issue to address: the ring. Bret says that the ring, for him, was showing that he was sincere about what he was doing. Riki asks Taya what was going through her mind, and she notes that the ring raised the stakes. Riki then asks what Taya would have done if Bret had popped the question that night. She says she totally would have married him right there on the beach. Now, however, she's not so sure. Time has passed, she's been dealing with all sorts of feelings all by herself, and she has had no one to turn to or help her sort out what's been going on. Is this all to point out that Taya has no friends? Because I believe it. Taya says that everyone else got to leave the show with closure. Even Mindy. Mindy yells back, "What closure did I have, Taya?" Bret looks at Taya and actually seems a little embarrassed. He just wants to go, have a six-pack of IC Light and watch some porn and/or football right now. Anyway, Mindy does not have closure and, in case you weren't listening the first 600 times she said it, she's in love with Bret. In any case, Bret doesn't want to get married to Taya either, so it's all good. He says they have to date, and see if their connection is still there when they're away from all this madness. Riki thanks Bret and the girls and Big John, and, with one final shot to a mentally cracking Mindy, we're out. And now we have only the freakshow of Daisy of Love to look forward to. It's a recession of guilty pleasures, for sure.
Meanwhile, I want to thank all of you who have been kind enough and brave enough to read these recaps for the past three seasons! Your antibiotics are in the mail.
Yes, Potes totally used an Indigo Girls lyric as the title of this episode. It's her final revenge against Bret. Look to the children and drink from the fountain at potesypotes@gmail.com.
What would another season of this show look like? Our vlogger has some thoughts.