I just realized I haven't grown up at all since I was eleven. Proof? When I was eleven, I was putting my parents' VCR's pause button through the paces, freezing on Kerri Green's quick panty shot in Lucas. Over fifteen years later I'm still using the pause button to try to see a little more of the nearly naked people on my TV. I'm almost ashamed of myself. Almost.
For some reason instead of "Previously..." we get "Tonight on..." Road Rules. I fear change. Why would they do that to us?
Anyway. Tonight. Kendal and Eric playing around on a field. Kendal pretends she's a cop and jumps on Eric with a finger-gun. Eric wishes Shane were playing, too. Kendal puts little clips in Eric's hair as Eric tells us he's attracted to Kendal and that she's "awesome." Kendal says that there are some things about Eric she finds attractive. Eric is very excited about the pink clips and jokes that he would have made a beautiful little girl. Ew. Kendal adds that she doesn't know Eric as a person, however, but just as a member of the group. I just know him as a member, too.
Night. The kids get a NEXTEL DIRECT CONNECT clue to meet outside a gallery. They are still in New Orleans. Poor New Orleans. They are to be ready to "bare [their] soul." Kendal Scooby's this out to mean that they're going to be naked.
Theme song. Opening. Ah, I see why they did it like this. They wanted to tells us quickly that there is a reason to watch tonight -- the kids will be naked -- before the crap theme music drives us away. (I like that the B/M-sponsored captioners still have no fucking idea what the song lyrics are. For some reason, that makes me very happy; it's the tangible evidence of total apathy.)
Eric tool-overs, and we see, that he and Shane go into the RV park bathroom and Rachel and Kendal decide to follow them in there. Eric calls out from a shower stall, asking if Rachel and Kendal are getting naked. They are. He asks Shane -- whose stall they went into -- whether he's getting naked, too. He says he doesn't have a choice. The girls say that they're waiting for Eric and that this is a "once in a lifetime" chance for him, and prude Eric calls from his stall that he's so stupid for not going in there right now. Then suddenly the girls bum rush Eric's stall. He starts screaming and then camera-tools that he hid in the corner like a "scared little boy." Maybe the "little boy" part of him was why he was hiding from the girls. He says he's embarrassed, but then when Shane comes and joins them, he immediately leaves. (If he can't shower alone with Shane, he doesn't want to shower with him at all.) Kendal camera-sluts that she doesn't know why Eric is so scared to shower with other whores...I mean, "other people." Shane tells us that it's "frightening" for him and that he's more conservative. Well. I have nothing to say to that.
Moon. RV. Rachel and Kendal have pillow talk. Kendal says something about it always being "deeper" with Eric and about something small getting blown up. I don't what exactly she's talking about, but using the words "Eric," "small," and "blown" all together, I can guess. Kendal sleeps with a girly pillowcase and a stuffed animal. I never would have guessed. Rachel says that usually by the age of twenty-two, a person has been in a serious relationship at least once. "You got a rookie," says Rachel. Kendal then tells us that Eric has never been in a serious relationship. No kidding. She adds that it bothers her, but she likes him, even though she doesn't want to admit it. Rachel says that Eric needs someone at the same pace as himself, joking, "That just means high school." Kendal laughs. They then turn off the light, strip naked, and start going on their own mission. Oh, sorry. My mind wandered. They just go to sleep. Boo.
An ugly toddler-designed sign reads, "Frenchy Galleries." A short bus drives up. Two Mayors (who they don't even really bother introducing anymore), Mindy and David, welcome the kids to New Orleans (they've been here a while, dude), and bring them inside the gallery, after some forced cheering of forced excitement from the kids.
Inside the tiny, shitty gallery, a group of very homely people stand in a gay tableau, naked -- strategically covering their sensitive areas like a bad Zucker Brothers bit -- with "art students" standing around sketching them. Rachel camera-talks, turning into a gila monster before our eyes, yelling that she sees "naked people everywhere!" Stop it. You're scaring me, Rachel. Kendal whores that she thought they'd be drawing the naked people, but she was wrong. The Mayors announce that the kids will be getting naked on the stage. Each person has a choice, but the more people who get naked, the less amount of time they'll have to "bare it all for the world." All the kids are smiling because...they can't wait to take their clothes off? (I hope each and every one of them by now, by Season Eleven, realizes that Road Rules will bring them absolutely no closer to being famous. Not. One. Step.) The catch -- the stupid fucking tacked-on half-assed catch -- is that if anyone moves more than two inches, they'll ring a bell. If they ring the bell three times, they fail the mission. If they succeed, they get one thousand dollars...in a shopping spree at AMERICAN EAGLE. Whee! What bullshit. They have an RV full of crap American Eagle clothes already. Shane, very happy to show off his weenie (as opposed to being happy about the shitty clothes) yells, "We're getting naked!" They all start cheering and jumping up and down.
So now this squat little Moby of a guy, ah, Frenchy -- (who would of thunk it, the Road Rule-rs out-tooled by someone) -- starts telling them they'll be in a pose and lying that it will be beautiful. Still clothed, the kids pose on stage, and Kendal wants her pose to be "interesting" as Eric puts a pineapple between his legs. Shane will be holding Sarah's boobies in his hands. Sarah -- her nose still so full of snot she sounds like she's faking it -- camera-boogers that she feels much more confident with her clothes off than on. Oh, so that's why she's been fucking up every mission. Maybe if she were naked she wouldn't have passed out on the pole-standing mission. Then again, I don't think getting rotten macaroni in your girly parts would be too good an idea either.
Frenchy asks if they have any other "input," and Darrell takes the time to say he can glance at Kendal's booty during the pose. He jokes that he's going to fuck up and look twice, but then be still. Kendal tells us no one can look at her once they have to be still. Frenchy asks if they're cool and asks if they're ready to be "immortalized." If by "immortalized," he means having a shitty sketch done of them by a crap New Orleans art gallery, then yes.
Darrell then camera-talks that he doesn't know about this naked "shit," but finally he said "fuck it" -- that if everyone is doing it, he'll do it, too. As the Mayor shows them to their changing rooms, Darrell tells us, "We fina get butt-ass naked up in this bitch." They have fifteen minutes. Face cancer Nelly plays as the kids undress. Eric is nervous. Shane Queer As Folk-dances as Kendal and Sarah strip. Shane thinks we need him dancing in our faces to the camera. But then all is forgiven when we get a shot of Kendal taking her bra off, seen from the back. She has a big-ass Ralph Fiennes Red Dragon tattoo on her back, and she's wearing a very uncomfortable-looking thong. (This is where the old pause button starts getting a work-out, sadly. Although, Kendal kind of has a muscular gay-boy butt.) Eric then ruins everything by camera-talking that showing off to strangers will be a first, and that he just hopes they can portray his body "accurately." What a fucking tool. The girls rush him trying to get his robe off. He falls to the ground giggling. "Leave me alone!" he yells. Yes, he has a tiny penis. No doubt. I don't even think he needs a pineapple to cover it. (The "apple" part will probably be enough.)
Gallery. A couple of fake students pretend to be ready, standing by easels, as the kids are told to get on stage in their poses, and the Mayor will count and they should drop their robes, and then they'll start. Eric camera-tools that he spoke to his mom earlier and now he's getting naked. Sarah has a flower in her vagina. Eric asks Kendal, who is standing behind and over him, if she wants him to turn his head 180 degrees. "No," she says, meaning, like, "Never." The Mayor counts down and Darrell does schtick with a banana. The girl Mayor sits on a bike, watching intently, as we slide off to commercials.
Back. The kids. Naked. Their fifteen minutes starts now. (Wow, having to be still for fifteen minutes. How the hell will they ever do it?!) "Jazzy" music is playing as the fake students draw. The kids are in two levels. Eric, who looks sad, sits barely touching Shane (who, ironically, is the most covered). Sarah leans back in his arms, her eyes closed, her boobies in his hands, a red flower in her coochie. Above them, Darrell and Rachel sit back to back, matching each other in muscularity. Kendal stands with her arms over her boobies, holding a flower -- her vagina blocked by Eric's block head. Five minutes go by as Kendal camera-skanks that the fake students are looking at them like they're art, but she just feels naked. Darrell tells us that he peeked at Kendal's booty and it looks like it got stung by a bee and "swelled up."
Trying to paint something in fifteen minutes, which just underlines the stupidity of this whole thing, Frenchy lies that they have a really good "energy" together. Hee. What a dipshit. Frenchy then asks if there are any "romances," and Shane says, "Look at the couples." He's winking: "I'm free, though. This girl with the titties in my hands, totally not with me." Frenchy says he can see it. Shane starts spitting with the dude, asking how he got to New Orleans from Boston. Now Darrell camera-talks that Shane started talking and talking, and he was just like, "Dog, be cool, man. Just shut up. Why the fuck you got to talk now?" Shane keeps flirting as Darrell tells us that Shane talked so much, he eventually moved his foot. The bell dings. Shane tells us he doesn't know why he did it (he wanted to get laid), and they now have a strike against them. The Mayors announce that they have five minutes left. Naked kids. Music. Fake students. Naked kids. Music. Flowers. Pineapples. Shrinkage. Terrible paintings. The countdown. And they're done. "Finito." They did it. Hm. Eh. Feh.
Darrell says that his neck is cramping, and Kendal wonders how to get her bathrobe on without showing anything. Eric camera-tools (and we see) that his robe got stuck and his pineapple fell, so he just grabbed a pillow and ran, ditching Kendal and leaving her naked. Sarah doesn't care, showing her titties, as Shane tells us he's waiting for Sarah to stay until he can cover his "junk." "Junk"? Eh. I'm tired now. So tired.
The kids are told they get their American Eagle money and some clothes that "is" already in bags for them. They then look at the crap fake sketches of them. The Mayors boot them as quickly as possible.
Bourbon Street. Flashing titties. Shane voice-overs that it's dirty and he loves it. Shane makes out with a girl. Eric is disgusted by people being sexual and having fun. The kids get hurricanes and Kendal camera-sluts that everyone is having a good time and being wild. She and Rachel dance. Some guy tries to get Kendal's panties, bra, or shirt. Eric rolls his eyes, all sad and hurt. Eric tells us that it hurts him and he wants to leave. Then Kendal tells us some girl just randomly comes up and kisses her. We see it. It's bleh. (The ho then grabs twenty bucks from a B/M henchman and goes and buys mouthwash to get rid of the taste of defeat.) Eric -- contrary to every single man on the planet -- tells us that when he sees Kendal making out with the girl, he wants nothing more to do with her. Kendal tells us she forgot about Eric but then found out he was pissed.
On the street. Drunk Kendal tells a random stranger that Eric hates him. She tries to get Eric to dance with her and he says he's just not going to kiss her because she already kissed someone else. Loser. She's being drunk and hurtful and playful and says that she can kiss anyone she wants? He says yes. She thinks he just wants to kiss someone. Boo. Someone makes this juvenile shit stop. I already graduated from high school. I don't want to go back. Eric says he'd do it out of spite and Kendal says, "Get ready to be spiteful." It doesn't seem like she macks with anyone else, then. She voice-overs that she's not going to play the drunk ruin-your-night game and that he can just be pissed and she's going to have fun.
Day. RV. Hangovers. Kendal is still drunk, she says. Eric won't come cuddle with Kendal. She asks why he's mad. He says he has his reasons. She doesn't remember shit, then tells him she didn't kiss any guys. He says he doesn't want to kiss someone who blah blah blah fakelesbiancakes. She asks what this means. He says she can interpret it how she wants. That pisses her off. He finally says he was interested in her. He tells us, like we care, that he's going to take a break from her. Kendal tells him she thinks he's just looking for excuses to run away. Then Kendal, wearing Björk's swan dress, asks us why the change? Because you're a ho, I guess. And because Eric is a ten-year-old boy in the body of a bi-curious insecure gym-rat tool. Crap music plays as Eric walks away. Kendal says she'll give him his space but how can she pretend to not care about someone she zzzzzzzzzz...
Commercials.
Night. RV. The kids all just hang around. Kendal plays a Game Boy. Eric is crowding her. She's trying to beat a high score. She camera-talks that she's not going to chase after Eric. Eric makes some awful flirting comment and Kendal shoots him down. Hee. Rachel then camera-talks that Eric was intimidated by Kendal and then backed off, which surprised Kendal. (Of course. She was giving this boy-man some sweet lovin', and then he stopped. I would be confused, too.) Kendal tells Rachel that Eric is sleeping on the roof "alone." Kendal tell us she fell too hard and too quick (eh, bullshit) and that it hurts now to have "it" taken away. Eric chills with Darrell. He tells us he doesn't know what's up with Kendal, and he's worried that he's hurt "who she is." What?
Eveyrone is going out. Kendal won't. She says she's tired. She stays behind. (She's totally having an affair with the boom guy. Totally.)
Club. Dancing. Rachel scares me a lot. Eric dances and then tells us that while dancing with random hos, he realizes there is only one ho he wants to be with. He babbles on that he realized Kendal was great and didn't know what he had until he lost it and wanted her to know. (Read: striking out with the ladies of the club. Wanted some easy pussy.)
So. Eric goes back to the RV and wakes Kendal up. Now he's whispering to her all drunk and pathetic about how these girls he was dancing with didn't mean "anything!" to him and he doesn't want to do something stupid and lose her forever. Hee. What a douche. Kendal now tell us what Eric told her -- that he missed her. Bleh.
Kendal tells Eric that it hasn't been long enough for him to think about what he wants, and she wants to make sure he's sure and not just because he wants to "mend" it. Now he says the worst thing I've ever heard -- that coming back to see her he was like a boy going to unwrap his Christmas presents. Hit him! Hit him! Kendal then camera-talks that she can't stay mad at him forever, though she wants to. A crap song about fate starts as we fade to trees.
Day. Eric and Kendal walking down a road. They are going on a picnic as everyone else is working out. (By "everyone," I'm sure she does not include Sarah.) Kendal dumb-overs that this is a "jumping-off point" for them -- jumping off into a whole new terrible relationship. Eric says he wants to do something because Kendal means a lot to him. Kendal says that she forgot the blanket...so they'll just have to have sex up against a tree. Kendal tells us this is taking the relationship back to when they weren't comfortable with each other yet. Huh?
They eat in some crap gazebo, eating mac and cheese out of Tupperware. Kendal launches into her high-school love life and how she partied a lot sophomore year and then met a Mormon guy and started being a goody-goody. She adds that she prides herself on being a dork. Eric says that he didn't drink until college because he was an "athlete." Yeah, none of the athletes at my school drank. Yeah, Eric. Try again, stupid. Kendal then laughs that she thinks they're similar, but then also way different. She deep throats a Blow Pop.
Kendal and Eric walk around the lake as Kendal says she thinks Eric's parents will watch this and wonder what he's doing with her. He denies it. He says he's had fun with her, everything they've done. (The blowjobs.) He says that when this is over, his outlook is going to be different and he'll want to find someone really special and really dedicate himself to her. (Ah, but not to Kendal? Sad.) Kendal then camera-talks that she feels like she knows Eric better now and is attracted to his Cork-face more.
RV. Driving. Kendal and Eric cuddle. Kendal says that people sometimes screw and then realize they don't like each other, while it's good they did the opposite. Shane watches, laughing. "It makes everything better," says Kendal. She blathers on that she doesn't know that they're "right" for each other, but that they're "good" for each other. He agrees. I do, too. I think they deserve each other very much. And everything they get. All the sadness and later embarrassment. And...that's it!
. Bungee contest. Shane cries about something to Kendal. Shane is going to enter a stripping contest at a gay bar. Darrell says he won't strip at a gay bar. "Boyz Cellar." Shane doing the retarded dance we've now seen him do in every episode. Rachel puts money in his pants, encouraging him, stupidly. Kendal says that Shane is out of control.
See you week for the big gay episode. Bye!