You know those days when nothing is really wrong and yet everything is just wrong? Yeah. Well, be warned. I'm having one of those days. And just a hint for all of you out there: when you're having one of those days, don't watch Road Rules. It only makes things worse. Much worse. Feh. Let's get started.
Previously. Pole standing. College kids threw rotten food at The Six of Suck. Sarah fainted. Kendal really thought Sarah was going to make it through this one. Ha. Yeah, right. At a club, Rachel yelled drunkenly at Darrell for talking to another woman, and then ran up and told the woman Darrell's taken. Rachel threw her arm around Darrell and gave the girl the sorta-lesbian stink-eye. Shane camera-tools that they have a "connection" -- my most hated word.
Crap song. Crap credits. Crap photos of crap kids. Crap clips of crap missions. Crap crap crappity. Over.
Day. Top of RV. Huh. Sarah and Kendal sunbathe in bikinis. Not the worst way to start the show. Kendal tells us all sanctimoniously that Sarah is separating herself from the group, but that she's not going to turn her back on Sarah. Kendal says that there is so much she wants to "help" Sarah with. Hee. Yeah, like your life is so "together." If you really want to help Sarah, tell her parents to stop disowning her. Kendal tells Sarah -- speaking about her in the third person -- that Kendal needs to feel like Sarah wants to be there. Sarah -- full of snot even in the bright sun -- says that she does want to be there and wants to find something where she can be valuable to the group. She says she feels like she's serving no decent purpose. Of course she's serving a purpose: she's being the scapegoat loser. That's a very valuable position to hold. Sarah then camera-talks that she didn't try to alienate herself, but that it just happened. Then Kendal whines that Sarah is her friend, and Sarah laughs uncomfortably loud, then wipes the spit that just flew out of her mouth off her own face. The camera backs out a little to show more of Sarah's body, and like a bad Arabian movie, the cameltoe comes marching into frame. I'm too distracted to listen to Kendal saying she'd give it all up to keep Sarah there, and then quickly the cameraman realizes children may be watching and may be scared or concerned about the sheer degree of cameltoe on display, and frames back up, tighter on Sarah's torso. Thanks. Uh, now what were you girls saying? Sarah laughs that she keeps Amaya-ing it up out there, and Kendal -- hitting the top of the RV for emphasis -- says how much she wants them all to make it through the mission. Sarah cackles that she wants it, too, and wants to stop being a big loser. Well, I want to be able to fly, but I don't think it's going to happen any time soon.
Night. ExpoDarrell tells us they get a clue on their NEXTEL DIRECT CONNECT. The recorded voice asks if they're ready for a night of hell. The kids, not yet getting yet that it's just a recording, answer. Sarah says, "No." The voice goes, "Great!" Hee. They have to be at Tulane. They all cheer mechanically, and then Darrell babbles that he's been waiting for scary shit so he can "scream like a bitch." Kendal slut-overs that she's "frightened" and that hell is not a happy place.
Day. The kids drive and Rachel gives the driving Darrell a foot job. Lots of crap editing back and forth between their faces as Shane quickly laughs a lonely laugh.
Now Rachel talks to her mom on the phone. Mom asks if she's going to call Amy and then drops the bomb like only a mom can, casually saying that Amy is dating someone. Rachel tries to act nonchalant. She's just a straight girl whose gay lover is dating someone else. It happens all the time. Now Rachel camera-talks to us that she has a girlfriend of two years -- Amy -- and that they're on a break to experience things on their blah bleh blah. Rachel then tries to come back to Mom that she's doing shit, too, so there. Rachel tells us she doesn't like to hear that Amy is with someone. Really? She hid it so well.
New Orleans. Tulane. The kids meet their Mayors, Dave and Sandi. Sandi -- with a porn-actress-smooth line reading -- Jules Asners some crap to the kids about going through the initiation to be in the Fraternal Order of Road Rules. Oh, for fuck's sake. Pul-leeze. They go to what looks like the old Real World house as Kendal voice-overs that it's a creepy house. It's so uncreepy. The only creepy thing is that B/M thought this would be creepy. That's some fucking creepy shit. Now there are photos of all the old casts and Shane says some shit about feeling honored to be part of...and I'm not even going to repeat it. Fuck you, B/M. Be ashamed of yourselves. Now they pipe in fake screaming to the track as a guy all Eyes Wide Shut in a black robe descends the stairs. I hope he trips. The kids wait, trying not to laugh, as the dude takes off his hood: It's James! From the Maximum Suckocity Tour. Hee. James. Douche. Not a single one of the kids has any fucking idea who he is. Blank looks everywhere. He has to introduce himself. Still not a flicker. Kendal camera-talks that James is "creepy," but that he's too cute to be really scary. Yeah. Back off, sister! That's Theo's man.
James tools that there will be three missions, and then they'll be in the bleh Fraternity and get the six thousand blehs. (Sad that they couldn't even get a sponsor for today's mission.) He says that if they fail...you know the drill. Sarah says she has no option and has to pass this one. They put on blindfolds and walk into a room single-file.
Room. They take off their blindfolds, having walked five feet down the hall, to see a tank with snakes in it. They fake-gasp. James says this is the "Snake Kiss." We get a quick shot of last season with the snakes. Only difference: those were cobras; these are, like, garter snakes. Because someone has to pretend, Shane voice-overs that he hates snakes, bad-acting all scared. The snakes are listless and tired. So am I. Commercials.
Darrell tool-overs some incomprehensible shit that he has a snake tattoo but he doesn't like to fuck with snakes. James wants them to pair into boy-girl teams and pick up the light-colored snakes and the other will kiss it and vice versa and put it into another tank. That's it. James tries to make it scary by saying that if the snakes bite, the kids "will get hurt." Yes, it might pinch a little. I hope an ambulance is standing by.
Kendal picks up a snake. Shane kisses it. Rachel and Darrell. No problem. Sarah picks it up very calmly. Shane tries to pick it up. Fails. Does it. Kendal kisses it. No one has any trouble and it's over in one second. Lame. Eric camera-lames that they kicked the challenge's butt. B/M can't even fake any suspense, and they just move on.
Now outside. Night. A kiddie pool with one big alligator and tiny little baby ones. A cop car waits in the background for no reason. This is the "Gator Transfer." Quick shot of Season Six with actual lively gators. Not these drugged ones. Shane says he's been dying to touch a gator. I think he's talking about a Florida State basketball player. Anyway, James says the big gator has his mouth taped but that its tail (he lies) is just as dangerous. Yeah, right. He adds that they could seriously get bruised it the tail hits them. Hee. A bruise. Ow. They have to pick up a little gator and put a rubber band over its tiny little toothless mouth. They do, one by one, putting them in another kiddie pool. My cat is more vicious. Sarah throws the gator into the pool. That was mean. Kendal coos to the alligator, putting it down gently and calling it "Henry." And that's it. Boo.
Done with Lame Mission #2, they decide to "get Mama." Sarah and Rachel say no. James tells them to go ahead if they want to. What does he care? It might actually mean five more seconds of precious screen time for him. They try to grab it, and it lunges. Rachel wants them to be gentle. They drop her halfway in the pool and run away. (The mama gator, not Rachel.) Rachel walks away, saying it's very fucked up. Darrell then camera-talks that Rachel be cool one minute and not cool the . Rachel also be gay one minute, and be not gay the other. Rachel hopes that they come back in the life as alligators and that people fuck with them. Sarah yells for them to be nice to Mama. They put her down. James then mumbles that it makes all past Road Rulers proud...but that they shouldn't smile yet because they have one more suck mission. He says it sucks. I'm sure it does.
The kids stand by a covered fish tank. James removes the cover. There are bees and big spiders inside. Six pledge pins are at the bottom. Quick shot of Season Four with bees. This is "Pledge Pin Retrieval." They each have to stick their hands in the top hole while a partner verbally guides them where to put their hand to find the pledge pin. James says that the bees do sting and the spiders bite. Okay, this I would not want to do, but it's still pretty lame. Kendal camera-talks and tries to scare us.
Rachel goes. Easy. Eric . Easy. Sarah. She shakes the bees off the pin. Kendal, spouting such bullshit, tells us, "Wow. This is a whole new Sarah." One mission she doesn't cry and bow out of? Fuck off. Kendal and Sarah hug. Shane says bees are cool. He reaches in with no help...and gets stung. Hee. Now Sarah helps him and he gets it. Darrell is . Easy. This mission sucks balls. Kendal is . She's scared. Everyone tells her to breathe. B/M so paid Kendal ten bucks to try to put some tension into this mission. Now Sarah voice-overs that this is the first mission in which Kendal feels like the weak link. (Shut up with that. Please.) Sarah says she's lending Kendal "loads of support," because if her lame ass can do it, Kendal can. Well, you have a point, Sarah. Shane asks Kendal to hurry before they get too riled, and Kendal says she needs time before she sticks her hand into a tank of things that sting and bite. Kendal looks like she's going to cry. Shane camera-talks about not wanting to lose a team member or his prizes. Kendal stops, saying she's forgetting to breathe. She backs away from the tank. Gets her ten bucks from a B/M employee. Anne Rice calls, wanting them out of her city immediately. Commercials.
Here is the best commercial I've ever heard. This is from our cable company, Adelphia. "As you know, Adelphia has recently embarked on a reorganization process..." Fantastic! How wonderful that they can look on the bright side of things and spin "we've filed for bankruptcy and our founder and CEO was hauled off to jail for defrauding the company of millions of dollars" into "a reorganization process." It makes me proud to be an American. Mystikal isn't being charged with rape, by the way. He's embarking on a career redefinition process. And Robert Blake didn't kill his wife. He implemented a program of spousal heart rate deceleration.
Back. Kendal is sorry. Rachel tells her to visualize where the pin is in the tank. Someone says the bees will fall off as Darrell tells her, "You're going to touch something." Thanks, Darrell. Very helpful. All five of them are talking at the same time as she sticks her hand in. (Heh.) Rachel keeps babbling about visualization as Darrell guides her. She gets the pin and drops it like it's a penis that just spit at her, and then suddenly she's camera-talking about no longer being a pledge but a member of, oh fuck off. Sarah then tells us she's very proud of herself and she's going to "carry at torch" for New Orleans.
Now they go inside by all the photos and James wants them to repeat some stupid chant. Darrell yells it, trying to be funny, but really just making me pay more attention to the words than I'd like to. "For here today, yesterday, and tomorrow. Brothers and sisters are we. Long live Road Rules." Are they fucking kidding with that shit? And at this point I can't even tell if the kids are mocking this whole thing, or are legitimately into it. They have to be joking. James hugs them all, desperate for some more attention, then he gives them their money. And James sadly whimpers back to total obscurity from the -door-to-total-obscurity that is being on Road Rules.
Day. Playground. Swings. Kendal and Sarah are being swingers as Sarah says she doesn't have many regrets. I don't know what she's talking about. She says that skydiving seems fun but the Citadel, not so fun. They should forbid her from talking about any mission she failed. She adds that she's ready to do something crazy and dangerous. Uh, okay. Kendal, in front of an American flag, tells us that Sarah is amazing (whatever you say) and that you stick with family. (Not if you're Sarah's folks.) Kendal tells Sarah she reminds her of her friend as a kid who was her "Angel" and would beat anyone up who would make fun of Kendal. Now Sarah camera-talks that she can't believe a "sorority girl" likes her. They lean back, swinging and screaming as some crap Girl Bonding song plays.
Now we get the other kind of girl bonding: talking shit about other people. Kendal and Rachel walk. Rachel says that Darrell keeps trying to mess with her and she keeps telling him that nothing is going to happen between them. We see a Night-Vision shot of it happening last night. He then called her a "cold person" and told her that he can go through this trip "with or without" her. Obviously poor Darrell is totally digging on her and she isn't on him. Methinks the player is being played.
We see Rachel and Darrell alone in the RV. SuddenlySappyDarrell tells her that she is making him like her again and soon he's going to be watching her in her sleep and stuff. "That's why I'm scared to mess with you, too," Darrell says. Aw. So sad. He says that he should shut up and then says he still wants them to be "cool" after this. This is such a good study of how a good play is constructed, because neither is saying a fucking word that makes any sense, but somehow through their demeanor and subtext, you know exactly what they're saying, and so do they. Darrell then basically tells her she shouldn't keep being with him if she just feels too sorry for him to break up with him. Aw. Poor Darrell. (I never thought I'd say that.)
Now back to walking. Rachel says that she's cool with cuddling with Darrell, but, she goes on, "I don't like misleading, you know, like, people." Hee.
Rachel camera-mans that it's hard to be with a new person when you've been with someone so long, and that messing with Darrell brings up indirect feelings for Amy. I can see that, although there is one big "difference" that I imagine you'd notice between the two. Or, maybe not that big. Who knows?
Now everyone is going out to chill in New Orleans but Rachel stays back to call Amy. Now while we see the kids going out and girls flashing titties, Darrell camera-talks that he doesn't like Rachel going hot and cold on him.
RV. Rachel tells us that Amy may be with someone, but that she needs her to know Rachel still loves her. Now they talk. Rachel says she never said they were over over. Rachel needed time alone but didn't want to be over. Amy asks her what she wants. Rachel wants to see what happens in the future with them. The idea of them being together is not "out of [her] head." Rachel laughs nervously, wanting to know what Amy thinks. Amy thought it was over between them. Amy says she loves Rachel and that's "all" she should know now. (Read: totally fucking someone else, but would maybe like to get married some day.) Rachel tells us that Amy is still in her mind and plays a part in her actions.
Night. RV. Everyone sleeps. Rachel and Darrell walk. They agree that they should just "have fun." Now Darrell camera-talks that Rachel's more worried about her girlfriend back home and what's up with her, she's hot and cold, etc. Now Rachel says absolutely nothing, after saying a bunch of words. She then tells us she needed to "test the waters" with Darrell, but now they're going to be friends. (I guess now that she knows Amy still might want her someday and now that she's done her thang with Darrell and suddenly he's all drawing her name in his breath on the window, she's over it.) They decide to keep it simple. Darrell tells us he doesn't need Rachel being "sweet" and then not; he didn't come here for games. (Well, technically, you did come here for games.) Rachel lies to herself that she doesn't think Darrell really cares. Darrell tells us he doesn't get her. They both go to sleep.
And so do I.