The news hit the fourteen who watch this season like two or three bricks -- MTV was going to cram these last two episodes into one night to sooner be done with this tenth season, so they can spend more time figuring out how to gently tell Carson he needs to lay off the Shamrock shakes, and decide how in her video to hide Pink's dick. So this is the second to last episode of this Dudley Moore-tired show. Enjoy it while you bleh.
The Music of My Sad Morning with Coffee and Road Rules plays as Blair floats that they got instructions to pack up the Tioga because that was the last time they were going to see it. Packing. Packing. The kids paint the RV with their faces -- or it was already like that and they're doing more, could be, who knows -- as Sophia voice-overs that she's had a great adventure in Spain and Morocco. Packing. Packing. The Crack Editing Team is not giving up yet because they do this super-wack thing where one of the Six leaves the RV and they cut to a Super 8 shot of the RV driving, and then another kid leaves, and back to more footage of the precious Tioga -- it's like we're shooting Old Yeller or saying goodbye to Black Beauty or something.
Credits. My uncle has better credit and he's defaulted on two home loans and filed for bankruptcy. Zing! Goodnight, everybody!
Night. Short bus. The kids are crammed into a short bus as Steve, looking tired, explains that they've traded in their RV for a van that seats four. Katie camera-talks that they're going to New York with a stop in Paris. In the back seat, ADDam starts correcting her, saying they're not going to Paris. Katie is having some sort of psychotic delusion if she thinks B/M is flying them to Paris. You're lucky if they'll pay for a Cessna to Guam piloted by a drunk Patrick Swayze, and a tugboat from there to the States. The front row of Steve, Blair, and Katie tell the back row that it's their turn and Adam yells that they can then keep spouting their "incorrect bullshit" until it's the back seat's turn. Blair responds, "Why don't you keep listening to your illegal MP3 player and shut the fuck up?" Hee. Adam says something about sucking his dick, but they bleep him. That's Ellen's job, anyway. (Hey, I only have two more episodes to make Ellen-sucking-off-Adam jokes. I'm going to get it while I can...so is Adam, I assume.) Katie smiles.
Blair then floats that they're getting really sick of each other. Sophia floats that everyone's flaws are starting to everyone else. Ellen says they're ready to go their separate ways. A plane. It flies. They head to America, we can tell from a helpful map. A song starts that goes, "Return back home after three months on the road." Nice job. Wonderful.
Another short bus. Driving. They're supposed to go to Fort Dix (heh) in Jersey. Katie guesses that they're going to boot camp, and Ellen says that she doesn't want to do this and be yelled at to go "faster, faster!" (No, that's Adam's job.) They arrive at Fort Dix/McGuire Air Force Base; Steve floats that his dad is in the military and he wants to be just as successful in the military as his dad has been. The military must not pay much if he had to raise his son in a box. They are greeted by a friendly if creepy-looking guy named Captain Winters. He welcomes them to the Air Force Fitness Readiness Program. Ellen says this mission is "the big dog." The kids put their shit away in a room as Blair asks Steve questions about military life and Steve explains that he's not "playing solider" but that he's taking this very seriously. They theorize that Katie and Ellen are going to be terrible at this mission.
Cut to...Ellen in her room putting on green eye makeup because it blends with her fatigues. Man. As Steve tells Blair to tuck in his shirt, Blair floats that this is the mission Steve cares about most and thinks he's better at than everyone. I can't tell if this is a dis or not.
Now Winters is training them in a classroom. He explains that they're no longer in America but in Stacklat, a bordering country of Ozlahnd. They explain to the kids -- who look soooo bored -- that they have a humanitarian crisis in Ozlahnd and they'll help medics help people in Ozlahnd. (This mission seems part cool, and part kinda gay.) Speaking of...Sophia camera-talks that they're going to spend two days in Ozlahnd to rescue and help the wounded; she thinks it's going to be "cool," and she's going to feel like Saving Private Ryan. Yes, except for the fact that...oh, never mind. Yes, Sophia. That's exactly what it's going to be like. Another trainer talks about the medical "emergencies" they might encounter, and Katie asks a dumb questions about amputations and limbs just "falling off" and Steve laughs and Katie tells him to shut up. Ellen left-eyes that they're all too sick of each other right now to come together as a team. They go to do "equipment issue."
The kids get their stuff, which includes laser harnesses which go off if they get "hit" during the training mission. A soldier who looks like Hitler demonstrates it. If the sound goes off on the harness, you're hit and are no longer playing. Blair helpfully explains that it's like multi-million dollar laser tag. Thanks, Blair. Go have a pie.
Now dressed in fatigues and on the field, Staff Sergeant France does some more training. Maybe Katie heard one of the teacher's names was France and somehow thought that's where they were going. He leads the kids through "Rush and Roll." The kids run and drop and run and roll and crawl and he's yelling and "it's a team effort!" and now it's raining and they're done running and shit. Man, I would like to be France for a day and get to make Adam and Ellen drop and roll and crawl and run into a tree and shit. I sort of think, after all this time, I deserve it. Now France is telling them the importance of teamwork, and how if they lose a man or two on their team, that's less people they'll then have on that team. Hmmm. Good point. Sophia gives the Quote of the Day as she floats, "If someone got shot, that would just suck." Indeed, dog. They are going to do a training mission, and France explains that they'll need leaders to make quick decisions, and Steve floats that his dad is a Lieutenant Colonel and he is just like his dad in terms of being a leader and Sophia agrees and he floats that Adam is going to be leader of one group and he'll lead the other. Um, I'd want to be on Steve's team. Adam floats that Steve is leading and he's just "bringing up the rear." Oh, Adam. Why do you have to make it so easy for me?
The mission starts and people are "firing" at them through the trees and the kids drop in the mud and France is helping them, asking them what they see down that road, and there's a dead "body" and they run to it and drop and there is pink smoke and firing and Katie is laughing and France is yelling that someone needs to be a leader as Adam voice-overs that no one needs to be Rambo and Steve voice-overs that they need to hurry and get the body out of the war zone and alla sudden Steve's harness goes off -- he's hit. Commercials.
Adam floats that their leader is down and he's not sure what to do and Blair voice-overs that Steve let them down. What? He got shot, you bitch. There are kids jumping in the mud and smoke and now Katie is eliminated. Two of the kids are grabbing the dummy as Katie voice-overs that Steve is mad -- more mad than she's ever seen him. She jokes that Steve even said a bad word, and "Steve doesn't cuss." Blair is shot, too. (No, not really. Pretend shot. Unfortunately, there are no real bullets.) Adam floats that the downed body is really heavy, and they're trying to carry it via stretcher. They finally get it up, and I'm sure France just tells his men to stop firing because it's way too easy and they run and arrive with the body on the stretcher. The Graphic of Stupid tells us that they failed the training mission. France is nicely telling the kids that they suck and asking what the fuck's wrong with them, and what do they need to work on not to suck so badly and get everyone killed in the "real" mission tomorrow -- but in nicer words. I'm pissed because I thought there was going to be people yelling and making them do push-ups with their faces in the mud but I guess the military is trying to get people to want to join. I miss Lou Gossett Jr. And yes, I realize I might be the only person in the last eight years to say that. Steve floats that he has high expectations of himself and he failed and his dad is going to see this and it's going to "eat him alive." It's going to eat his dad alive? Probably, though, just the mere fact that he agreed to be on this show in the first place is what really hurts. Back at the base, Blair tells Steve, "It's okay to die." He should have told Kevin that last week.
In the bathroom, Katie bitches that she understands why Steve was upset, but adds, "My God, it was a practice round." Ellen defends Steve to Katie. Steve tells us that he was the main person at fault, and that it was his own impatience that got him killed. "I won't die tomorrow, Dad. I'm sorry." Wow, that's just about the saddest statement I've heard in a while. Well, since Wing told me Temptation Island 2 is starting soon. Ellen voice-overs that they need to come together now, because if they don't they might not get their "handsome reward." Hey, B/M. Which one of you created the "handsome" thing and made the kids all say it? Really. Step forward, because I have five friends who would like to talk to your face.
Ellen sits in a room with Winters telling him that she's going to "pick [his] brain apart." Run, Winters! She's a zombie! Ellen asks whether every group needs someone who is trying to "push positive paradigms on people." Oh. This is the secret military alliteration training. Yeah. I've heard of this. Winters says yes, that each person has his or her role in the group, and Ellen acts like he's just told her the meaning of life...or that there's a new Sephora store opening up around the corner from her house by the way she reacts. She says how much she wishes they'd done this mission earlier so that, from the get-go, they knew they had to work as a team. Yeah, see, that would have been helpful, as opposed to you thinking that...I give up. Winters is creepy, by the way. He says that it's going to take the whole team for them to succeed. We get a shot of the night sky outside the base as Ellen blows Winters as thanks for the advice.
Morning. The kids get equipment ready and say they have a big mission. Steve floats that he wants to make up for his loss. Now in the woods, France says crap to the effect that over the border in Ozlahnd people need their help and then ruins the "reality" by saying that they are on mission for their final piece of the crest. Blair floats that Ozlahnd has been devastated by flooding and looting and says that there are anti-America terrorist groups there. Oh, great. That's where they've been hiding all this time. Bomb Ozlahnd, for christsakes! You've got the wrong country! (This is the part while watching it me and a friend started making inappropriate jokes about me writing, "We have this recap now. Are you scared? You die now." -- and how I couldn't possibly put that in a recap because that's very insensitive. So I won't.) The kids jump into the back of their truck and cheer, "Medics!"
They cross the "border," and Sophia explains that there has been fighting and explosions and the people need their help. Another army dude babbles to them, but they don't listen. They arrive at the refugee camp for "Phase 1: Medical Assistance," and I love these training things because of all the bad actors who scream with blood on them pretending to be injured. Man, it's funny. The kids are running around and pouring shit on "wounds" as the injured pretend to cry and scream and it's good, good television. Blair voice-overs that it's pandemonium and there is more bad acting than an episode of Emeril and Bam! we're in commercials.
The chaos continues as Adam voice-overs that a bomb went off in the camp and everyone is yelling for you to help their brother or sister or friend and they have to manage their supplies carefully and make sure they can help everyone. Steve camera-talks that they've had serious injuries and amputations and breaks and they have to make decisions and be able to differentiate between something. The bad acting continues to crack me up as our kids put blankets on the bad actors and someone yells that they need to go get more supplies from some other village and they jump into truck, leaving the bad actors to badly die in their fake blood. As the kids sit in the truck waiting to go, a military guy explains that in this village there is a known "cell," and they have to be very careful. They drive off, and three girls run after the trucks, all, "Don't leave us!" and shit. Hee. Sophia floats that everyone handled themselves very well and teamwork and the injured and everyone is good.
Recoh Village. Ellen is picking her nose as a guy tells them to get into this little hut and grab supplies. They have forces here to protect them (men with guns), but they need to be careful and hurry. This is "Phase 2: Retrieve Supplies." The kids carry boxes down to the Hummers as Blair voice-overs some bullshit about teamwork. Ellen camera-talks that they don't have much time and need to hurry. Sounds of bombs and firing start as Ellen hits the ground. Ellen tells the camera they have to go. They have to get all the boxes, and soldiers are running around firing and one of their medics is "hit" and he falls and grabs his leg and they have to run and get the guy and get supplies and the chaos continues and Steve voice-overs that he doesn't have to be the hero and he keeps loading supplies as Adam or someone crawls through the mud to get some other fallen medic. Steve's dad is going to be so ashamed of his son. Ellen voice-overs that Steve "messed up" yesterday, but he's doing "awesome" today. Bitch. More running and firing and loading and Adam and Blair run and help a dummy (dummies helping dummies) and they bring him back to the truck and everyone gets in and firing and the horn goes off and the truck leaves. Steve floats that sometimes there doesn't need to be a leader and that this was a great piece of teamwork. Well, it was a piece of something. The worst part is how much Steve hates saying this shit that B/M makes him say, because all he wants to do is lead. And dance. He wants to dance his ass off.
On the truck, Sophia voice-overs that she gives medics a lot of credit because "they go in there gung-ho style" to help people. Michael Keaton once went Gung Ho-style, but he wasn't helping anyone. At all. The kids arrive back at the refugee camp and take care of hurt people and load the shit off the truck and everyone is doing a good job and a "doctor" arrives and the hit medic lies, "They saved my life." They're done and a scary man -- Lieutenant Colonel Dickey -- hulks over and tells them they did well and gives them the "Perseverance" piece of the crest. (Didn't they already get that piece? No? I'm confused.) They have to bring all the other pieces on their flight back to the base tomorrow. (Flight? Whatever.) The kids scream and hug and chant, "Road Rules! Road Rules!" Medic!
Blair camera-talks about team work and relying on each other. Steve camera-talks about being able to step aside. The kids get back on the truck as Sophia floats that they put aside their differences and "sucked it up." No, once again, that's Ellen's job. Sophia is proud of them. Ellen says it's over now. They walk in slo-mo. And that's it!
Well. I don't know what to say. One more. Right after this one. I just need a little breather. War is indeed hell. But so is Bunim-Murray.