We're back. Someone's getting voted off. Pray it's me. Really, the most interesting thing about this episode is going to be how long B/M can drag out what everyone already knows -- nay, what they themselves have revealed for six weeks now in the stupid opening credits. I swear, Scooby Doo provides more suspense than this show.
Previously, Jisela got scared during the first helicopter mission. So did Ellen. Ellen's left eye floated that Jisela has a tough front but might be a bit weaker underneath. Genius. Ellen cried on the zip line. Jisela weakly spun that if they lose, it's because of Ellen. Yeah, but only if you go down the mountain, dumb shit. Look at me, already getting emotionally involved. Dammit! Ignore me. Just like B/M does to Steve. Jisela stands on the top of the mountain weeping. Just like me. Just like me right now.
Opening credits. Your mom is different. The kids. The photos. The booting someone off. The degree to which I care -- so small. My cat WWFs off the bookcase, but misses my head and lands in the fern. She stalks away, kicking dirt from her paws. She's going to kill me soon. If I'm found dead, you all can tell the cops who did it.
Jisela. Crying. On the line. Sophia tells her nothing is going to happen. She doesn't say "dog," which is pretty amazing. CLS keeps whipsering to Jisela, trying to comfort her. At the bottom, Blair tells us that he's worried, because now they only have forty-five minutes to get down. Jisela freaks out and says she's not going. CLS stops her, telling her to shut up and that he'll unlock her his way, not the way she says. Jisela says, "Fine." Man, Jisyella allowing someone to talk to her that way! She must be crazy scared. More mumbling. More mumbling. Sophia floats that this is going to look bad to the group and that she "may" lose her friend. Jesus, wake up and smell the plane ticket. Your crush is gizzone. Sophia hugs Jisela. They both cry. Ellen tells the camera -- from the bottom now (?) -- that she hopes Jisela will go. Crack B/M Editing Crew: pissing me off early, y'all.
ADDam says that he can't wait for Jisela to change her mind, and that he has to go. So he does. Blair tells us that there is "a hundred percent chance" that Jisela is indeed going to go down, because she's stubborn. Well, she may be going down sometime soon, but it ain't on this mountain, I'll tell you that. Up top, Jisela tells Sophia that she's not going. The Music of My Growing Allergy to MTV plays as Adam arrives on the bottom and tells people that Jisela's not coming -- that her "life is too important." Blair floats that he knows Jisela can do it. Dude, you may have the willpower to stop eating pie constantly, but you can't make Jisela do what you want. Ain't no one can do that shit.
Up top. Ellen keeps bothering CLS, asking whether her ropes are on tight. Meanwhile, some Spaniard comforts Jisela as we get the same fucking scene of Ellen questioning CLS over again. Suddenly, the closed captioning kicks in, at last, and I am suddenly happy again. I should make the CC fuck up for the beginning every time. It gives me a little lift, like each shot of tequila as I recap. Ellen slips, but she's okay. Jisela cries. Ellen falls again. She flails and swings. Everyone yells at her from the bottom, but she makes it. Damn.
Up top again. Sophia's turn. Sophia cries. Jesus, enough with the crying. Everyone. Jisela hugs Sophia, crying, "I don't want to go, all right?" Sophia voice-overs that she was wondering how she could get Jisela to go. You can't! Just go! Wasting my time. I could be at Skybar right now! Okay, well, I could be getting refused admission into Skybar right now, but it's nearly the same thing. Sophia floats that she's shaking and quivering and could understand why Jisela was so scared. CLS speaks German into a walkie-talkie, confusing me. Maybe I should call him Crazy-Looking German. Damn. All doing the switcheroo on me. Fuck it. Sophia yells for Jisela, saying that it's easy. CLS goes into a comedy routine, trying to get Jisela to come down with him, but she refuses. I guess comedy doesn't translate...or he's just not funny. "When I decide I'm not going to participate, I'm not going to participate. I do it either the whole way, or not at all," floats Jisela. Yup, when she acts like a bitch, she really does act like a total bitch. Good for her. Meanwhile, Sophia goes down. Back up, CLS tells Jisela that if they went now, she could still make it. Ellen floats that they hope Jisela is going to change her mind. Whatever happens, I fucking hope they're going to get on with it, because B/M is forgetting something very important: repetition does not equal tension. Please, B/M. Learn it. Live it. Love it. Print it out and tack it up on your wall.
Blair floats that someone is going home tomorrow morning. Everyone stares. Ellen is sad. Staring. Sad people. Going on forever. Ellen says something to the effect that Sophia was the one who could have convinced Jisela to go. Sophia needs more slack on her rope. Ellen is sad because they have to boot someone now that they've failed two missions. Everyone yells directions to Sophia. She voice-overs, "Please be close. Please be close. Please be close." That was just the most pointless voice-over ever on this show. That was B/M, like, trying for a second to create tension around Sophia rappelling, and then just giving up right away. Sad. So sad. Sophia makes it down. Steve floats that they have to boot someone, and that it seems to him that Jisela just gave up right away, and now we get an alarm sound and their time is up and Jisela walks down the mountain. Blair says that even if Jisela had come down, they might not have crossed the finish line in time, but Steve says that Jisela didn't even give them the opportunity to try. Shut up! Everyone! Please! Do something -- just stop talking. Hit someone. Take your clothes off. Do something.
More pointless shit as someone tells them to go to the finish line. We get hurrying music and everyone hurries, but then quickly stops and walk instead, since, like, they already failed the mission. B/M gives up on the tension, again. Good god. ADDam floats that it's not worth going to the finish line, and then we see them run at the very end for the cameras, and there is this whole andaluciaextrem.com blow-up thing set up, and it's all very sad because no one on the mountain cares at all, let alone anyone watching in TV-land. Meanwhile, Jisela climbs down alone. She bitches that people have told them that Ellen is on their nerves and that they're going to boot Ellen (and that she's the "weakest link"), and that it doesn't matter if Jisela fucked up two missions. What? She thinks she's not going home and that Ellen should!? She continues, "They're judging on who's had the hardest time because everyone has a bad day." Okay, that doesn't even make sense. Anyway, she meets up with the rest of them, who say that they got her a t-shirt, "dog." She asks if it read, "Bitch." They say she's going to have to monogram that herself. Hee. Jisela floats that they were all giving her a look like they risked their life for the team and she wouldn't. The boys try to lift Jisela onto a rock, tickling her silly by making fun of her weight. Whatever. Adam floats that Jisela would be his pick to leave because she can't hack it mentally and physically. Oh, yeah, and well, because Ellen blows him every night before bed. Blair says that Jisela is a good friend and cares about others. Jigga-what?
Some skinny Spaniard comes up all smiley...and proceeds to tell them they failed the mission, so and now they have to boot someone by tomorrow morning. Everyone stares. B/M tries to get all Survivor as they make Ellen say that she doesn't know how many votes she has, and the Six of Suck get into a short bus as Jisela floats that she's worried she's going to be booted (no!). Jisela cries somewhere as we go to commercials. Me too, Jisela. Me too.
Hey, whatever happened to Sophia saying that she'd sacrifice herself and go home in the place of Jisela? I'm just saying....
Back. Jisela and Sophia talk on top of some broke-ass shed by some water somewhere. This is like recapping My Dinner With Andre. Jisela says that she could list all of Ellen's flaws, but what it's going to come down to is that she did not risk her life for the team. Has Jisela even seen an episode of Road Rules? Like, didn't she know there was, maybe, going to be some tough physical challenges? "Oh, running and jumping and climbing? Yeah, I ain't gonna do that shit." Jisela now floats that they already decided a long time ago that they were going to vote Ellen off, no matter what. Ooh, a voting block. How very some-other-actually- interesting-reality-show of them. Sophia asks Jisela whether she wants to stay, perhaps remembering her pledge to sacrifice herself, and Jisela responds that she "really" does. She babbles some nonsense about there being a difference between refusing to do a mission and not being able to do a mission. Ellen is posing for photos for Adam somewhere (the clothed kind, for once) as Jisela hypothesizes that Adam will not vote Ellen off and neither will Ellen herself. (Like The McLaughlin Group, these two.) Adam smokes and Steve stares. Jisela says that Steve will vote her off. Sophia says, "Man, do we have to vote?" and Jisela responds, "Welcome to the real world." Oh man, don't I wish.
This dull-ass montage continues as The Music of Depeche Mode Still Somehow Hanging On Despite Suicide Attempts and Overdoses plays. Staring. Wandering. Jisela talks on the cell phone. Seriously, she gets service in the middle of the fucking Spanish countryside and I can't call my house from within my own house in the middle of Hollywood. Sprint PCS ain't right, yo. Jisela tells the phone that she thinks the "weakest link" is the most annoying one. Suddenly she goes floaty, saying that she thinks they're all "a weak link in a long chain," but that the one link that's not connected is Ellen. Wow. That's some...wow. I don't even understand that. Jisela goes on to her Phone-A-Friend that Blair might vote off Ellen but Steve will say, "What if something like this happens again?" And she says it in a mocking tone, as if it's somehow stupid to worry that Jisela might fuck up another mission when that is the whole point of their time there and the only way they're going to get their money -- and money is the only reason to do this show, because it sure as hell ain't gonna get you no fame. Dumb shit. Now Jisela floats that Blair's vote is up in the air. I want a nap.
Shot of Blair lounging. Ellen's in the Tioga, campaigning to Blair. She floats that, in the missions, she's going to get the job done, and that Jisela won't. Blair now says that even if everyone got down the mountain, they wouldn't have had time to finish. Whatever. Now Jisela is there listening, or the B/M Crack Staff just threw in a shot of her from some other time. Blair floats that he's a good judge of people, and Ellen is fake. As soon as he says "fake," the shot disappears and cuts off, as if he was saying something totally different but they just falsified it. Shocking! This music like we're playing some first-person shooter or watching a Judd Nelson B-horror flick is playing and it just keeps getting louder and it's supposed to be building tension but it's just building my migraine.
Now the kids are in some mall. Blair is walking with Sophia, and says that he wants to hear from Jisela what happened on the mountain; I'm not even sure what that means. Sophia says that, in that case, she'll tell Blair her "non-biased thingie." Also unsure what that means but, hee. He says he knows who he'll have more fun with, and that's important to him. Jisela floats that it's up in the air. The kids eat at a food court, and Steve tells us that 99% of the people who vote Jisela off will do so because she failed two missions; Blair says that he came on the show wanting to have fun, and that Jisela is more fun. Blair goes on to say that he's going to fill out his ballot tonight with his original, gut feeling. Now Ellen floats, wondering whether she or Jisela will go home. She adds, "There's lots of ways you can slice and dice this deal." Um, by "lots" you mean, like, the two ways you just mentioned?
Driving. Somewhere. Blair goes through an elaborate bet/jokey thing to get Jisela to shave his leg with her electric shaver. Ellen keeps staring into space. Blair wants to be pretty so bad. Ellen says it's pretty clear that alliances have formed. Ah, there's the word: alliances. B/M is so proud. Blair now floats a-fucking-gain that he's "all about enjoyment" on this trip, and that he could send home the person who is "causing [him] the least amount of enjoyment." I think these kids need to get off the Tioga and take a fucking English class.
Night. Outside. City street. Steve -- hi, Steve! -- climbs out of his box to tell Blair that you get attached to people, but you can't let it make your decisions. They eat, and Steve goes on to say that he made his decision at the bottom of the hill. So after all this, they still think we don't get it and have the fucking gall to make Blair float, "We have to make a decision, and somebody's going -- like, one of us will not be here tomorrow -- and the reality of that is hard to swallow." Unlike pie. As Blair speaks, the Bull of Repetition gets loose from the streets of Pamplona and gores him in the chest.
Tioga. Night. The kids. Worried. Steve sleeps. Hee. Anywhere that's not a cardboard box is too comfortable for him to pass up now. Blair floats that no one is talking about what's about to happen, but everyone knows what's going to go down. Yes! Everyone knows. Now fucking do it already.
The kids walk outside and pick up instructions from a bench. They read that someone is getting booted and must be packed and ready to go by sunrise. Adam camera-talks that he's voting for Jisela, and that it's not personal. Jisela, totally reading lines, camera-talks that the weakest link might not be the person who didn't finish the race, but instead might be the person who doesn't work with the group. Fuck off. Ellen smokes. Ellen camera-talks that she's voting Jisela off because Jisela didn't rappel, and that they all have to overcome their blah blah blah left-eyecakes. Sophia camera-talks that she's voting for Ellen because, in the water, Jisela swam Ellen to shore, and that takes a lot of character...and she's totally fucking in love with Jisela and wants to marry the shit out of her and lick her like a Blow Pop. Steve camera-talks, saying that he's voting for Jisela and that it's not personal, just physical. Yeah, so were most of my relationships in college. I can't fucking believe it: they have Blair float, "It's elimination night. We have to vote..." I can't finish. I can't.
Inside the Tioga. The Six of Suck put their votes into a small box. Insert your own "a small box" joke here. Commercials.
Back. Bells toll. Jisela casually opens the box and reads off the votes very quickly. Four for her, two for Ellen. "I'm going home. It's not that hard," she says. Everyone is silent as Jisela starts to pack. Sophia frowns. Steve asks whether Jisela would like some help, and she fake-smiles, "No, I'm fine. Thank you." Blair frowns. Jisela cleans. ADDam frowns. Jisela floats that it hurts her that Blair voted her off, since he was the final decision. He now floats, hicking that he imagines she feels betrayed, but that it wasn't a personality vote.
Outisde. Jisela talks on the phone, ingeniously sliding her cell phone into her Blair Witch hat so that she can talk hands-free. I'm doing that. Jisela tells her mom that she's fine, and that she's not upset. She says, "No, I didn't cry. I swear to God I didn't cry!" Oh, man, how sad. Her mom really is fucking mean. Poor Jisela. I hate her and like her at the same time. Pretty much how my cat feels about me. Blair camera-talks that he thinks Jisela would have felt better if she'd cried, but now she's going to bottle it all up. Shut up -- you voted her off.
Walking. Sophia and Jisela. Night. Jisela says what the closed captions think is, "I love being with Sophia. At home I got everything. I don't need this. I'm here because I wanted to be here." The Crap-Ass Song of Too Bad You Missed The Entrance Deadline for Lilith Fair plays as Jisela tells Sophia that at least now she'll get her "handsome reward." Sophia whines that she doesn't "fucking care about [her] handsome reward." Man! B/M has them trained good, huh? Sophia says that she's not here for the money and storms off; Jisela follows, telling her to "look at it in a positive note." What's that?
Now Sophia camera-talks, crying that Jisela didn't deserve to go home. Oh, so sad, she is. So sad. It almost makes me sad, but, oh yeah, I don't really care. The girls walk, and Jisela tells Sophia that whenever she gets lonely, she should look in her reflection in the window and talk to her and she'll be there. Creepy. "The magic of camaraderie," says this song, and I think those might be the gayest lyrics since "Wake me up before you go go." Sophia cries and says something to the effect of "kick me off the first mission, dog," and Jisela says that she'd never do that and I don't even know what night we're at now and fuck it, I'm gonna go fix me another gin and tonic. They hug and Sophia cries and starts to say, "I love you," but stops herself. The crying. Jisela cries, floating that she's learned that crying is okay. Yes, I've learned a lot about crying from this show, too. Jisela tells Sophia that she's used to saying goodbye and that she'll be "a'ight."
Street. Night. Crap music. The sun is coming up soon. The Tioga. Inside, Jisela is all smiley now; she tells the kids that she has no hard feelings and that she voted Ellen off and that it's all good and that she has no hard feelings because her life is more important than anything in this world and that she knows the decision they had to make and that she's so cool with it and that she didn't want to go, yo, but that she loves them "the same amount" that she loved them before, which is diplomatic of her, but also big of her, in a weird, pseudo-manipulative way. They hug. Blair camera-talks that he doesn't think he'll ever meet someone like Jisela again. They all hug and Jisela says she has to pee now that their moment is over.
It's light out. Jisela is on the phone again. Now she walks outside and kisses Blair, who floats that he feels their friendship will continue. Right. Jisela hugs Steve, who says that you learn something from everyone you meet, whether you know it or not. He hated her, huh? There is a montage of Jisela from the last few weeks. Hugs. Hugs. Hugs. Adam camera-talks about bonds and experiences. Jisela hugs Ellen. More montage shots. Crap song about "let me fly, so long." Sophia cries that she made a lifelong friend in Jisela, and that she's going to miss her so much. Jisela cries, floating to the Five of Suck that she hopes they take the person under their wings and some shit about teaching them the same "beautiful" lessons they've taught her and to remember her dancing. We see her dancing. She's a sexy dancer. The short bus drives away, honking. And that's it for Jisela.
week. The kids have made a list of ways to haze the new person who's coming to take Jisela's place. Sophia reads one about sabotaging the two missions and voting her off. I guess this is supposed to be some funny Top Ten-ish list thing. Ah. Ha. Hm. They all laugh cause they have no taste. ExpoSteve says that the mission is BASE diving; someone says it's too high and fall/jumps. Well, Jisela would have hated this mission too, so she should be happy she's going home.
Well, Jisela. We'll miss you. Sorta. Maybe. A little. I don't know. I'm tired now.