So, kids. After a year, you might wonder why I came back for more. You may wonder how the hell didn't the "Maximum Suck Tour" didn't take me out for good? Well, it nearly did. But after recapping The $treet, Temptation Island, and then Chains of Love, Road Rules seems like Seinfeld by comparison. And I'm not simply happy because this show is only half an hour (except for this first one, of course), but because...well, at least this show has been sucking for ten seasons now, and they simply seem to have figured out how to at least suck sorta entertainingly. Also, I don't think the Road Master is back, which pleases me to no end. Anyway. Here we go.
During the Casting Special, we got to know the cast members a bit better than we have in years, and they already got to form opinions of each other. We'll see how that dramatic development plays out and makes things different -- which my guess will be not at all. We open, even though the TiVo in my life hasn't figured out that MTV starts shows seemingly whenever they want and I might have missed something, in the Sahara desert, where l'il white vehicles race across the sand. The Music of Salman Rushdie's Fatwa plays as we meet the cast, sitting individually in the Jeeps wearing blindfolds (that's hot). The first person being punished for not being interesting enough to be on The Real World is Jisela. She's twenty and from Tampa. She made out with the lesbian and Angel during the Casting Special, remember? We learn that she's a Business major at a local community college (the brains of this group!) as her disembodied head floats in front of a sunrise and she tells us that she likes to be in charge and we won't be seeing the "kinder, gentler Jisela."
Vehicles. Camels. Vehicles. cast member. It's Sophia, the Macy Gray-lookin', twenty-three-year-old lesbian from Elmont, NY. She studies Communications at Albany. She goes floaty and tells us that she's not afraid of anything except coming out to her dad, which she's still struggling with. I'm still struggling with telling my mom that I watch Road Rules every week, so I feel where she's coming from.
is Ellen, the crazy, bitchy, "baby ass"-having, Thom Yorke lazy-eyed, Asian-American girl from Iowa. She is studying journalism and proves it by floating that she expects to have fun but she doesn't want to have to be "pulling the boat" for everyone else on the team. Hee. I love how she talks. English be damned. (Oh, don't get me wrong. She doesn't have an accent or anything, she's just stupid.) The way? She talks? With question mark? Everywhere? Cracks me up?
Jisela goes into some building to find it empty. , Sophia enters. She and Jisela hug. They don't make out and go down on each other on the carpet, which bums me out a little. Sophia goes floaty and blushes that she thinks Jisela is a sweetheart and a great friend. Jisela complains that she bets Ellen is the third, and she floats that she doesn't want to be on an RV with the "hyper" and "high-brow" Ellen. Naturally, Ellen walks up and floats that she "knows" that whoever is on the trip with her, they'll get along great. This is the girl who anticipates people hating her. Man, I think the air in the Sahara has made her high.
Anyway, Ellen enters and runs up and jumps into Jisela's arms and Jisela is immediately all sweet to Ellen while Sophia just kinda looks down and laughs in the background. Hee. Jisela then floats to us that she doesn't like people weaker than she, and she thinks Ellen will get on her nerves. Dude, you don't have to dislike weak people for Ellen to get on your nerves. You just have to hate...well, really annoying people who get on everyone's nerves for Ellen to get on your nerves. Ellen jumps up and down and then immediately loses all interest in Sophia and Jisela, saying, "So, where are the boys?" Ellen has asked that question now one thousand four hundred and eighteen times in her life. Congrats, girlie.
Jeep. Blair. He's twenty from Theo country: Lousiana. He's the former fat boy who studies, we learn, PR at the University of Louisiana. He floats that his trip to the Casting Special was his first time on a plane so he's sure he's going to learn a lot. He pops his head in and the girls mob him. Ellen says how glad she is that he's there. Yes, she was beginning to lose all sense of purpose in life without a boy to flirt-up for three minutes.
is Steve. He's twenty-three from Kansas. He slept in a box when he was little. I want to call him The Boy In The Box. I will think up a better nickname soon. He studies Marketing or some shit and he floats that what he has to offer Road Rules is "wisdom, charm, leadership, sexiness, and just an overall great attitude." Sexiness? Wow. I guess growing up dirt-poor makes you all high on yourself. Steve enters the building and the others greet him, tentatively shouting his name and really wanting to say, "Box Baby!"
Last is the guy we barely met: Adam. He climbs rocks and is twenty-two, from Rhode Island, whatever that is. He's a "Hospitality major" at BU. What the fuck is that? I guess he's studying manners. He seems nice and low-key, and says he likes to listen and raise people's spirits. He floats that he hopes to be a good leader, as the rest of his body opens the door and is greeted by the others.
The group hugs, and for a second I think how cool this group seems so far and that I really like everyone, but then I remember Ellen; Ellen goes floaty and says that she and Adam bonded at the Casting Special. She sluts, "He has, like, this whole spiritual side to him. Plus he's really smart, so it's all good. He's kind of funny, too." That will be on his tombstone, it's so eloquent. Adam earns a hundred bucks from the evilness that is B/M as he says that he smells a "handsome reward" in their future. (Or maybe it's a shout-out?!) The funniest part here is that the Petty, Petty Princess Ellen is pointing to her cheek for Adam to kiss, and he totally ignores her. One thing I don't understand is how this girl is from Iowa. She belongs in Brentwood. Blowing C-list TV actors under a table at SkyBar.
So now some dude in a fez and a big white kafir or whatever you call them -- I'm sorry, but I simply don't care enough to find out what traditional Moroccan garb is called -- greets the kids and has them follow him. He says, "I've been asked to collect all your cash and your credit cards." Funny, last time I went overseas someone said that to me too, but he was holding a knife at the time. Man, for a kid who grew up in a box Steve sure has a lot of cash. Kafir then hands the kids instructions, which they read aloud. Their goal in Road Rules 10: The Quest for the Crest is to recover fragments of an "ancient" crest which has been broken into ten pieces. There is then something totally half-assed about the ten pieces representing attributes the other casts have "struggled to attain." (What, like "bitchiness," "racism," "annoyinghood," and "tooldom"?) Steve floats, just like they said last year, and, I'm sure, every year that things are different. Right. You even have the same disgruntled dude recapping for you in the same apartment in the last block of the Hollywood Hills with the same cat who wants to kill him and all of you for making her sit through yet another season of this shite. How is that different? Anyway, if they fail a mission, they'll have one chance to make it up. If they fail two missions, one person gets voted off. Ellen explains this to us as her errant left eye scans the distance for men. I don't quite understand whether it means they can't fail two missions all season, or that they can't fail a mission and then also its make-up. Oh, and if they don't get all pieces of the crest, they don't get their "handsome reward." I can't believe they're making us say "handsome reward" again. So sad. Also, it's bullshit that they'll have make-ups, but anyway, obviously they have to get each piece -- otherwise everyone is just going to be pissed and bummed and there will be no goal and B/M will probably just give them their prize anyway and oh, it's all starting to flood back to me, what this show does to me. I can't let it hurt me or get under my skin. Help me. Help me.
Jisela tells us that she won't get kicked off, so obviously she's the one who will get kicked off. The kids then do shots and lie that they'll be the first cast to go ten for ten. As they drink and The Music of My Long and Terrifying Summer plays, two white Navy S.E.A.L.-looking dudes stroll in. They will be taking the kids by helicopter to their first mission in the desert. Maverick and Goose explain that the chopper can't land in the sand, so the kids will have to climb out by rope ladder at two hundred feet. Jisela and Adam volunteer to go first.
At the landing pad, the kids slap hands, and Jisela dances around. Left Eye Ellen whores that Jisela acts tough but might not be. Stunning insight. Ellen sucks up to Jisela so hard and agrees with everything she says as Jisela says she doesn't care who is on the trip with her as long as they do the missions. Ellen is a little sponge. Ellen is so insecure. Ellen is fucking fascinating. Ellen jumps up and down as Sophia explains to us that if they fall off the ladder (sadly, I think they'll each have on some sort of safety harness and won't actually just plummet to their deaths), they'll have twenty seconds to get back on). The chopper takes off and crashes into a palm tree. Everyone dies. Season's over.
Okay, back from Wishland. Ellen is scared. She floats that she is afraid of heights and will die and be eaten by vultures. Jim Morrison via Fatboy Slim sings to us (it's "Bird of Prey" -- terrible musical pun, editing staff) as we get odd slo-mo shots and the chopper hovers over an area with a bunch of camels and they throw the ladders out and the little guy who did "Desert Rose" with Sting starts yodeling and they're ready to go. Jisela floats that she thinks it'll be easy. Suddenly we get shots from her helmet cam; she's breathing hard. Then Adam starts, and he says that climbing down a ladder with four-inch steps and the wind flapping them around is hard. Jisela is having a hard time, and she wishes she could be on the ground already. It looks easy, but what do I know? I'm sitting in my boxers eating a Blow Pop and drinking a Diet Coke with my feet up and a laptop on my thighs.
Anyway, Adam says that he was worried about Jisela, since he was having such a hard time himself -- and he's a rock climber and loves being in the "crack" and all. Then he says -- and we see this -- he looked over from his ladder and saw Jisela fall. Yup, Jisela falls. She screams, and we see a shitty shot from her helmet cam and the Guitar of The Glorious First Commercial Break plays and the ladders hang empty. Commercials. God love them.
Chopper. S.E.A.L. guy looks down. Jisela just hangs on her (DAMN!) safety cable, crying. She has twenty second to grab back on, but she doesn't. She's lowered to the desert floor and weeps. She floats that it wasn't so much "physically falling but emotionally falling." Uh, no. It was very much physically falling. Your ass fell. So anyway, she fails the mission. Goodbye. Jisela weeps harder. Very hard. No one cares.
Back in the chopper. Ellen and Blair are . Ellen says that she's scared, and that she's so far up that the people don't look like ants but rather like "parts of ants." Maybe that's because her left eye is busy playing in the upper quadrant of her socket. The kids climb. The kids on the floor clap. Ellen screams for help. She floats, "I'm going? To splat? Completely flat? Onto the Sahara desert?" They're about halfway down. Jisela encourages her. Shut up, loser. Blair says it's the most physically demanding thing Ellen's ever done. They both make it. Ellen says that she knew she could make it. Liar.
Back up. Steve says that the "unstability [sic] of the ropes being so close together makes it hard" and gave him vertigo. I guess he also learned English in a box. Ellen yells up for him to go "sideways." What? Well, that doesn't seem like very good advice to give someone climbing down a vertical ladder. Also, they're right under a helicopter and up two hundred feet. I'm no physicist, but I'm sorta doubting they can hear you at that point. Blair then tells us that Steve's shoe falls off, which we see, so he kicks his other shoe off. I pray for it to hit Ellen, but it doesn't. I guess poor-ass Steve is used to being shoeless. Sophia says that her "big butt" can't make it down the ladder. But she does. They both do. Everyone screams and congratulates them. Ellen floats that Jisela is not a wimp, but that it takes more than confidence and pride to succeed sometimes. Man, now why does Ellen have to get all astute on us? Damn. Anyway, it's a good point, because Jisela is all spackle and paint, but who knows what's underneath?
The kids are not sure that they accomplished that part of the mission or not, but now they go over and open a chest. They get a GPS device and a note saying they have to be at "mark two" by sundown. They get a map and money and food and traditional blue outfits. Someone says, "We're going to be true rocking style, yo." Man, what year is this? Blair then floats that they turned around and saw camels, which they'll have to ride. Some dude -- Abdul -- comes out and teaches them how to put on heir headdresses, which they all fuck up. He then quickly gives them commands for the camels, and the kids climb up on the beasts. Adam, using the GPS, gives them a direction and they take off on the camels. The B/M Editing Staff -- who hate me, I'm sure -- get bored and do a little 1984 editing trick that makes the kids look like they disappear. How very Bewitched of you guys. Nice job.
So naturally the camels, like all of us, hate the kids and refuse to move or "zit" or whatever they're supposed to be doing. We get a montage of the kids yelling at the camels and the camels growling at them and people floating, talking about having defective camels and blah blah blah Ishtarcakes. Ellen screams in fear of her camel. Jisela yells at hers. Sophia thinks this is going to "suck." Jisela floats that her camel suddenly decided to run, and then we see her fall off. Hee. It's very very funny. She's laughing but upset, and I'm laughing and also upset, but for a different reason, but then we get commercials and everything is right with the world again.
I love that Mandy Moore's new album debuted at #35. My mom put out an album of her humming while doing the dishes, and even that debuted in the top thirty.
So we're back, and Jisela is complaining about her leg, and we can tell she's not really hurt. She gets up and limps and Ellen yells at her camel and then Jisela grabs her camel's reins and starts yelling and swearing at her camel and it groans and I want it to bite her but it doesn't. Sophia is so turned on by the rein-grabbing. Adam is calmly walking his camel, telling us that he can't force it to listen to him if it doesn't want to, and he leads the rest of the camels, who just follow. Ellen walks, too, saying that her camel "sucks." Pot. Kettle.
The kids arrive at a tiny bivouac with carpets and a few tents; the kids "whoooo." The sun is going down and they wonder how they could be upset in such a beautiful setting. It makes me laugh that these guys are in the middle of a desert sleeping in a tiny tent when they could have been in a fat New York City triplex if they'd just been interesting enough or they'd not pissed off B or M somehow. Adam tells Blair that Jisela is more scared than anything while Ellen is trying to make her camel sit. She goes from zero to whining in 4.3 seconds and huffs into the bivouac. People laugh at her. People all around the country laugh at her. Her parents laugh at her. My cat laughs at her. Jisela hits the ground and starts crying again. She voice-overs that her self-esteem has taken a beating and she weeps that she's been falling all day long and the kids gather around giving her terrible pep talks. I'd be crying, too, if I had Blair awkwardly telling me that at least I got up again. Ellen can't have the attention off her, so she asks where the bathroom is and then starts crying. Jisela leans over the sand saying that she's going to throw up. Sophia tries to make out with her...or maybe she's just trying to hold her hair back. You make the call. Jisela says she wants to throw up alone and walks away while Ellen tries to ask to locals -- who are oddly just sitting in their tent -- if they have a bucket. Watching Ellen try to mime "bucket" is nearly worth having to sit through the entire season of this. Also, she's in the fucking desert. Why would she care about having a bucket to throw up in? Ellen's a tard. Ellen coos that she has a bucket, and Sophia is not leaving Jisela alone to throw up, and the guys are just somewhere watching the girls be stupid. As she goes inside with the bucket, Jisela pisses off B/M by telling us that she now thinks she's "the weakest link" and that she doesn't want to hold the others back. Blair starts talking about puking for some reason, and then, without warning, we're treated to a shot of Jisela throwing up in the bucket but missing a lot. Yuck. (Hey Kim, will you switch me shows? Please? I'd rather watch Coral yelling at Mike then watch Jisela puke all over a bivouac. Please?!)
Now it's night, and Jisela weeps that her body wasn't built for the desert. Sophia says, "But it was built for sweet lovin', hot mama." No, she just says that Jisela's body has to get used to it. Man, I've used that line on a lot of girls before. Anyhoo. Sophia urges her not to give up. Great. Great pep talk. Some dude brings out food, and everyone digs in. Jisela is weeping on the floor with a plate of paste. Ellen floats that Adam has been? The group leader? And how happy? She is? That he's there? She likes him. Adam then floats that he wants to rappel in Ellen's crack and visit her vertical limit. Jisela continues to eat on the floor and then weeps. She voice-overs that this is the worst day of her life and that she failed within herself, whatever that means, and that her self-esteem is now zero. I don't know exactly what the problem is. She failed a mission. Shit. If every cast member who failed a mission broke down crying...oh yeah, most of them do. Never mind. Jisela continues to weep, and Sophia tries to talk her down. Then Ellen says that she's decided for Jisela that she's not going home. Jisela continues to cry, oddly somehow not comforted by stupid Ellen's stupid words. She weeps more. Night. I hope the camels wise up and run away during the night.
Morning. Sleeping bags. Tents. Gear. Jisela says that she woke up feeling better and is not going to go home. Well, not yet, at least. Steve says that he was up talking late to Ellen. He and Blair complain about the cold, but acknowledge that it's going to get hot later. Stunning dialogue B/M has chosen to include. We see Ellen doing her makeup as Steve floats that Ellen is "high-maintenance." Uh, you think? The kids eat pancakes and bananas as they figure out they have to get to mark 3 now. Mark 4, Adam hopes, is the RV. I hope it's a firing squad, but that's doubtful. Jisela puts on deodorant. Good. Steve floats that half the camels already hate Ellen; they squabble over camels as Steve goes on that Ellen's need for things to go her way is going to cause problems. Adam tells a camel to "shut up." Dude, it's his desert, not yours. Ellen falls off her camel. Man, that was funny. She doesn't cry, because at least she's getting attention and that's all that matters, after all. Blair laughs at her. They have until sunset to get to mark 4, we learn. Locals wish the kids good luck, and promptly split up the shit they stole from them during the night.
Camel-hiding montage. Blair bitches that the desert never ends. When he was fat, the dessert never ended. Ellen's camel gets stuck on his rein, and Adam stops and untangles it. Ellen floats once a-fucking-gain that Adam is taking the lead and helping everyone and "that's really cool." Just fuck him already. God. More riding. Steve tells us that his camel loved him, and that he rarely even used the reins. Then Adam gets all Zen on us, and tools about people racing through life and the pace of the camels made him slow down and appreciate the beauty of Ellen's ass...rather, the desert. The kids come to mark 3. Everyone cheers. Then they keep walking. I don't get it. The B/M editing staff. Fucking with us. And loving the static shots of the kids riding. So much, they love it. It goes on. Which is great for me. More, please. The Jangly Guitar of Road Rules's Inferiority Complex plays as the kids arrive at their RV. They cheer; Ellen thinks it's a mirage. Ellen's brain is a mirage. I guess it's neither a Winnie nor a Shasta, because it says "Tioga." I guess I'll just call it an RV. Tioga? I don't know. We'll see. (Did you like my little rhyming poem? Thanks.) Adam climbs on top and cheers, claiming the RV for boring guys everywhere. Ellen hugs Adam. They all hug. Ellen has the keys for some reason. It hasn't been raided, which I find hard to believe.
The Tioga is all "pimped out" with curtains and mirrors and a genie's lamp and it's all themed and stupid, as usual. Sophia says that only when she got to the RV did she really feel like she was on Road Rules. We get a long shot of some word on the floor we can't read because of a glare. Great. Good fucking job, people. I hope that James comes back on the show and rips off some of the bullshit inside like last season. That would complete things for me. Sophia and Ellen hug. Just make out. C'mon. You know you want to, and Angel isn't even here to cry about it. Blair then reads a message on his cell phone. (They get service in the middle of the desert? Sometimes I can't get service in my apartment, and I live in fucking Hollywood! Jeez. Fuck Sprint.) The message says that they failed the mission because of Jisela and are in "Default Recovery Mode." We get more exposition here as they read rules and tell us that they'll still have one chance to get the Crest of Determination, which is, I guess, the name of this first piece. Whatever. This is making the Maximum Velocity Tour look like a good idea. They have to do a Recovery Mission to get the piece. If they fail another mission, they'll have to boot someone. Adam says that he doesn't want to boot anyone. The kids talk about someone leaving. Jisela says she's gone soon. They babble. No one cares. They have to drive to some town and sleep and then in the morning drive to somewhere near Marrakech for their mission. Nothing good happens, obviously, because suddenly we're in town stopping at a gas station.
They freak to find that the bathrooms are just holes in the floor. The girls decide to just use the RV toilet after Sophia floats about the holes; I think she talks about them being full of "shit" but they do a typical terrible sound edit to get rid of the word. I fucking hate MTV. They won't even let Weezer say the word "hash." Rock and roll my ass. Meanwhile, the boys pee; someone pisses on himself and they all laugh. Ellen stares at the landscape and the locals and turns up her nose and says that she's trying to take it all in but that it's just "weird." It's called a Foreign Country, honey. It's not weird to them. You're the weird.
The kids keep driving, and Sophia floats that she thinks Morocco is "awesome." A song plays which goes, "strange, strange world" and B/M does it again. Classy. Montage of driving; Sophia floats more about the interesting scenery with crumbling buildings. Adam then talks about pedestrians and that whoever has the bigger vehicle has the right of way. Jisela starts honking the horn, but the others tell her to stop. People keep walking right in front of them. It's like New York. Ellen brats at people to move. Adam is getting annoyed and says that no one has any patience. Steve then says that married women totally cover up. Ellen is sitting up front and just has a sour look on her face. She yells at some guy not to stare at her, calling him "gross!" Adam says that they're American and so should get used to it and Ellen replies, "No, but, he made, like, a bad, like, face...I don't like people looking at me like I'm a piece of meat." The Oxen of Irony rams their heads into the Tioga. Blair floats that Ellen's wearing little clothing in this country is going to cause problems. Blair then chomps on the Pita of Foreshadowing, dipping it in hummus first, because, you know, he likes to eat a lot. Commercials.
The kids park and get out to sightsee. They walk down busy streets with tons of pedestrians. Little kids follow them, asking for autographs. Someone, they guess, thinks they're *NSYNC. Well, obviously no one took them for the Backstreet Boys, because none of them are drunk. Ellen, who is wearing short shorts, floats that as she walked with the girls, she felt a rock whiz by her head. We see this happening, and then see kids on a building throwing rocks. Ellen brats, "Do you see this?!" She then floats that she got scared when one actually hit her. Jisela tries to get the guys to go back to the RV with the girls, but they want to go look at some building. They're trying to make it seem much more dangerous than it clearly is, but I guess that's their job.
Terrible sound edits take us back to the RV, where we get a long discussion/fight about the incident. Ellen says that she felt really unsafe and would expect her friends to respect that. Blair says he didn't think she felt unsafe, but was just angry. She says she used anger to cover it or some shit. Jisela agrees that Ellen was scared, and Steve says he just heard Jisela asking where they wanted to go, not expressing that this was a bad situation and the argument goes on and blah blah blah minutiaecakes. Blair then uses circular logic to prove that he didn't hear, claiming that if he'd heard, he would have done something. It. Continues. Jisela says that everyone was looking at Ellen's legs and Steve tries to explain to the morons that men are dominant in this society and that they should expect that to happen if Ellen dresses like she does. Adam then floats that Ellen should know this and then goes on that Ellen doesn't feel like she's part of the group.
It's night and they're sleeping somewhere, I guess, and Ellen is outside smoking and stupid B/M makes a weird logic leap where Ellen now says that she knew she'd feel apart from the group (after telling us she "knows" they'll all get along). She says it's hard for her to relate to them and respect their opinions. I have no idea what she's talking about. But then again, good money says that she doesn't either.
Back in the Tioga, Sophia says that people stared because of Ellen's shorts. Ellen thought it was "more boobs than legs." Steve, tired of everyone, offers that Ellen was "naked in that culture." Adam tries to tell her to learn something from the experience. Sophia then tells Ellen that though she doesn't condone the rock-throwing (I do!), they might have felt Ellen was being culturally disrespectful by showing her legs. Blair then steps up and says that since Ellen blows everything out of proportion, naturally he was under the impression that maybe she's been doing the same thing here. Ellen then says there is a reason, but they don't know...and Blair interrupts, "Don't preach to me. I won't listen." Hee. Go Blair. Ellen continues, saying that there are things she can't share that they don't know, and then Adam says that she can't just say that and not explain, so then Ellen says the longest sentence in the word about having a reason why she hates being ogled by guys. It ends: "I was raped." Immediately, The Music of Feel Bad For Ellen, Everyone begins as we get out-of-context shots of the kids looking stern and upset. I feel bad for Ellen, but this really feels like a bullshit trump card she's pulling out to try to make drama she started just because she likes to start drama, end the way she needs it to. Commercials. Lovely.
Anyway, so after Carson tells us what exciting shit is coming up on TRL, the look on his face silently screaming, "I hate myself. Kill me now, someone," we're back. Ellen says that she's shared this with others, and Jisela floats that Ellen was violated, and Blair -- not sounding convincing at all -- hicks, "That's horrible." Adam then asks Ellen what she's done to deal with it, and Ellen responds that she's been to therapy and done Victims' Rights shit. She goes on that unwanted actions from males make her uncomfortable. I know I'm going to be yelled at for this, but despite what happened to her, I'm not buying Left Eye's shit right now. Adam -- nicely deflecting, though not making a lot of sense -- asks Ellen why she can't let down her guard when she's with three guys that care for her. She can't answer. Adam goes on that she's "surrounded by people who love [her]." And this is funny: he quickly downgrades it to, "people who care about [her]." Hee. Left Eye bites her finger. She looks up at Adam. A female singer -- no fucking shit -- sings, "I'm broken inside. I'm held together by needles and pins," as we gets shots of contrite-looking RRers. They make it look like Sophia is crying, but she's just wiping crap out of her eye. The Tioga drives on. Ellen then voice-overs that it's hard for her to trust people, and that her baby ass needs three things from friends: "Honesty, loyalty, and mutual respect." I need three things right now. A nap. A cookie. And then another nap.
Some town. Bells ring, and singing comes from a loudspeaker throughout the city. People walk in slo-mo. The RV is parked. The kids get a message on their crazy cell phone. It's their recovery mission. Missy Elliott plays as they read that they have to drive to a place called Fes, and their GPS will lead them to their crest. As they read the instructions, they read out the name of the GPS maker, continuing the wonderful tradition of B/M commercial spot bullshit. I would call them sellouts, but from what would they be selling out? Adam voice-overs that he'll do whatever it takes to make sure no one has to get the boot. Jisela then voice-overs that she's already preparing herself to get the boot. Good. The kids have parked in an empty-looking area while Jisela babbles on the possibility of someone else failing and whether that means she would still get the boot. Yeah, probably. The kids walk.
The Six of Suck arrive in some ruins. They don't know what they're looking for, so they just wander around. Ellen is wearing short shorts. The girl does not learn. Finally, in a very staged shot, Adam and Ellen sit by a hole and yell, "C'mere. We've found something." We get a shot from a camera down the hole, I guess (though they then don't even use the camera to get a shot during the actual mission), of a snake guarding the crest. Adam floats that he hates snakes, but that he'll go do it anyway. He gets scared and jumps back out and a rock becomes dislodged and hits him in the head. Hee. Of course, knowing stupid-ass B/M, we don't get a shot of any of this, and rather we just get Adam emerging, a tiny trickle of blood on his nose. Oh whatever, he's fine. Burn your hands off, and then come talk to me. I do still hope someone dies on one of these shows and B/M gets sued and they have to go live in a box. With Steve. Anyway, Steve goes down, and screams, but throws the piece of the crest up. They complete their mission, and Steve emerges, happy. Music plays, but no one cares. We get a montage, because this episode was just that goddamn exciting, as Sophia tells us again what we saw this week and how great they are, and superimposed we get a shot of the word "Determination" from the "ancient" crest piece. She says, "Now that's determination." Oh, fuck off. Really. Bring back the Semester at Sea, even. Jisela then voice-overs again about the Quest for the Crest being about their collecting virtues it takes to make a person and then they'll become whole, or some shit. I don't know. Jisela talks to the camera, saying that she came in thinking she was going to rule, but now she learned her weaknesses and "Road Rules is going to help [her] deal with that." God. This show. Killing me already. Why not at least give me a few weeks before you take me down?
And that's it! Oh lord. One down. At least week will only be half an hour. Honestly, I think these kids will be tolerable, but probably boring. Except for Ellen. Maybe. I hope. All I know is, the day I start longing for Theo or Holly is the day I should really just walk away and never look back.
Ah shit: "This season on Road Rules." Snake charming. Climbing. Someone falls. Steve's head pressed against a wall. Acrobat shit. Sky diving. A Mission Impossible-looking heist. Adam and Jisela fight. Adam and Ellen get it on. Sophia and Adam fight. Someone gets eliminated. Adam cries. Sophia cries. Ellen cries. Jisela cries. Jisela cries on top of a mountain. "Pussy," yells the mountain. Boot camp shit. Naked water wrestling. Some sort of chef-hat riot. (I'm not kidding.) Ellen does a cartwheel. Skinny-dipping. Staring at the camera. The crest. That's it. Ooh, exciting. Okay, I'm already wishing for Holly and Theo. Crap.