A word of warning: since we already know from various mainstream publications (like Entertainment Weekly and Newsweek) which cast members are on which shows, we discuss it openly. If you don't know and don't want to know until week, stop reading right now.
Gather 'round, boys and girls. It's time to find out exactly who is going to be on The Real World and Road Rules in (what MTV never ceases to remind us) the tenth season. Oh, but there's a twist this year: Bunim-Murray took twenty-seven hand-picked finalists to the Korakia Bed & Breakfast in Palm Springs, for a week. At the end of the week, thirteen will be chosen to torture and entertain us this year.
Stee: Okay. So, here we are again. One year later. Just as bitter.
Kim: I just want to state at the outset that this was the dumbest casting special of all time.
Stee: I didn't think it was possible to think B/M were bigger tools, but apparently it is. Man, do they suck. The special was dumb but oddly entertaining. I mean, obviously they've had to ramp up to compete with Survivor and shit, and I think this was actually a pretty good idea. Naturally, B/M fucks everything up, but it was a good idea.
Kim: It did let the audience get a better idea about each potential cast member. Plus, as Popstars proved, people love auditions and finding out the winners and the losers.
Stee: And if B/M can attract anything, it's losers. Hey, do you think Eric Nies is going to be stalking the New York house this season?
Kim: Hee! "Please! Let me in! My manager stole all my money! I can get you on television! I know people at MTV...oh, wait."
Stee: Totally. He and Judd can write a new stupid cartoon book about dwindling B/M fame and how to keep it alive. I hate Judd. I hope Pam dumps his ass for a patient or something.
Kim: I still don't understand why she's with him. She seems so cool, and he never has been and never will be cool.
Stee: Fuck Judd.
As the finalists arrive, they are greeted by Melissa from The Real World New Orleans and hick Theo from Road Rules Maximum Blah Blah Bleh.
Stee: I saw Melissa doing her makeup in a car on Sunset the other day. I tried to get her attention, but she was working on her lipstick and I knew she'd be busy for the forty-five minutes.
Kim: What would you have done if she had noticed you? Flashed her the MBTV gang sign?
Stee: Totally. I thought she did a fine job on this show, but man, Theo is holding onto a dream. Last I heard, he was making sandwiches for a living or something. He was so stiff when he had to introduce himself.
Kim: He barely talked, and when he did, it didn't make any sense. Much like the entire Road Rules season last year.
Stee: And they made him throw in "Maximum Velocity Tour." He was all embarrassed.
Kim: Yeah, he totally mumbled it. "I'm Theo from Road Rules Mmm hmmm frrmmr."
Stee: And he tried to throw in a few Theoisms, like "tragic trout," but like the fish in his backyard crick, no one was biting.
Melissa and Theo introduce Mary-Ellis Bunim and Jonathan Murray, the creators of these fine shows. They come out and give a little speech, using note cards, explaining in what ways the upcoming season will be different. On Road Rules, the cast is allowed to fail one mission. For every mission failed after that, they have to vote off one cast member. On The Real World, if anyone gets fired from the "job" given to them, that person has to leave the house. Later, Murray "explains" (that is, reads from a cue card) to his fellow casting directors that there will be three tests during this audition retreat: Show & Tell, Truth or Dare, and a Final Interview.
Stee: The funniest thing for me was how Murray was all, "And then the winners will be on The Real World...oh, or Road Rules." Did you see how much Murray is Bunim's bitch? And I loved his fake-ass talk to the fellow casting people. Bunim looked like she was going to beat Murray up for being all tense. And she kept interrupting him. Love it.
Kim::Yes. Bunim and Murray are totally going to be recurring characters in my recaps this year, like Aaron does with The Sopranos. Because why make up my own jokes when I can just rip them off from other recappers? I loved how Bunim and Murray had note cards during their "opening speech." Like they couldn't just edit it afterwards if they screwed up.
Stee: Yeah, in my recaps, I have Bunim and Murray talking to each other a lot. It's great fun.
It's time for the first round of Show & Tell. Ellen gets up and explains that she is "a pretty, pretty princess." Her item is a tiara. Ellen tells a touching, poignant story about a time when she went out for cheerleading, and screwed up, so she entered a beauty pageant and won, and rubbed it in the other girls' faces. Dustin brought photos from when he did volunteer work. Tom inexplicably brought a photo of Chevy Chase (the actor, not the town in Maryland). Adam brought a rock-climbing shoe, and says something about finding your spot in the crack. Coral brought a meditation book because people get on her nerves and she likes to be alone sometimes. Amen to that. Segun brought a mirror because he can only control how he looks.
Stee: Didn't you love how in the Show & Tell people would bring something out and then be all, "This reminds me of when I was raped by my babysitter and then I was run over by a bus and then my dad set me on fire. Please cast me."
Kim: It was just like last year with the tragedy.
Stee: Many more blondes last year. And Jesus freaks.
The potential cast members (or PCMs, if you will) are assigned rooms. Mike tells us that he's loud and obnoxious, and that people don't like him at first. Segun tells Mike that cheating on your girlfriend is only cheating if you get caught. Adam says that he wants to travel. Rachel B. wants to get away from her overprotective mother and make her own decisions for once. Also, Rachel's parents were divorced when Rachel was young, and her dad isn't a part of her life.
Outside, Segun opines that women say that men only want hos, but he doesn't think that's true. Coral totally shuts him down by getting him to admit that he uses women. Later, Coral says that she hates Segun because he doesn't represent black men well. Segun, like Mike, feels that people don't like him when they first meet him. They are most likely both right. ["Wait a second. Segun?" -- Wing Chun]
Lori tells everyone that she sings well. They encourage her to use a conveniently available karaoke machine, and she sings "Respect" by Aretha Franklin. She's got a decent voice but it's hard to tell how good she is, because the tape cuts off after the first verse. Rachel D. dances in the background and is generally annoying and trying to grab attention. Kevin tells us that he likes Lori.
Now it's time for the first round of Truth or Dare. Theo explains that their fellow PCMs submitted the questions. Each PCM has to answer a question, and if everyone doesn't feel the answerer was truthful, the PCM has to pick a dare out of a fishbowl. First up is Adam, who is asked to describe a sexual fantasy he's had about a minority PCM. Adam says that his dad wouldn't want him to bring home a black girl, but that even his dad couldn't protest if Adam brought home Patrice, because she's so hot. He then demonstrates how he would slide into her, and it's gross. He's deemed truthful, so no dare. Coral is asked whether there is ever a time when people don't get on her nerves. She says that they don't get on her nerves if they act like themselves. This is also deemed truthful, but in reality, everyone is scared to make Coral do a dare. Ellen is told that she claims people don't like her and asks if she thinks they are jealous. Ellen answers that she is confident and that other people are insecure, so she thinks they are jealous. Blair points out that it was a pretty safe answer. Ellen amends her statement to say, essentially, "I look cute and fat girls hate me." Segun is asked to what extent he has fantasized about other men, sexually. Segun answers that all straight guys wonder, but all the other guys deny that it's true. Segun has to do a dare. His dare is to do a striptease, and he does, but he only takes off his shirt.
Kim: I found it amusing how none of the guys would back Segun up on the "attracted to other guys" thing, and yet they were all chanting for him to get naked when he stripped.
Stee: Yeah, they wanted to see his crazy-looking nipples. What about Adam?
Kim: He likes to get into the crack. That's all I remember.
Stee: Here are my notes about him, "White guy. Coral interrupted him. Rock climber. Can't date a black girl." And he loves the crack.
Kim: He totally dissed his dad on television. "My dad's a big old racist, but even he would like Patrice, because she's super-fine."
Stee: He only made Road Rules because he can climb mountains and shit.
Kim: Well, sometimes people who are really boring on the casting special turn out to be interesting. I'm trying to cheer you up.
Stee: Yeah, thanks.
Jisela and Blair lie on the beds in some room and trash-talk Ellen. Jisela hates Ellen because Ellen hates fat people. Blair tells Jisela that he tries to see the good over the bad in people, and he thinks Ellen has really low self-esteem. Jisela thinks that Ellen and Segun will be the first two to cry, either because they are tired of being phony, or as a plea for attention. Meanwhile, in another part of the compound, Ellen says that she's already caught two girls talking about her. Segun tells her that people are just jealous of the two of them. ["Okay, is Ellen twelve? She 'caught' people talking about her? Freak." -- Wing Chun]
That night, in their room, Mike questions Segun's masculinity because he wears gloves with lotion under them to bed. Segun just wants to be pretty. The morning, Mike says that he is realizing this week how different people can be. Segun is waiting for the shower, and his entire head is covered in some sort of facial mask, and it's all white. Like, every single bit of his head is painted white. Sophia tells a story about playing softball, and admits that she's a tomboy, and that she thinks playing sports kept her out of trouble as a kid.
Kim: Segun's name should be Shogun. What a mess.
Stee: My dad had a friend named Dave who joined a cult, and they made him change his name to Sagoon, just like this dude pronounces it. I loved Segun. Somewhere Stephen was home going, "GAY!"
Kim: I was trying to be open-minded, but the lotion glove thing was, as Tony Soprano would say, verygay.
Stee: The lotion. The fucking mohair sweaters. No one said anything about it, but at one point he had white paint over his entire face and head.
Kim: Oh my God! What the hell was that about? I'm a girl and I don't even know. He's more girly than me. I'm not sure what that says about me.
Stee: I think he wore lipstick, too.
Time again for Show & Tell. Steve coaches his little sister's soccer team. The casting crew notes that he was so poor growing up that he slept in a cardboard box instead of a crib. Katie shows a pen that her dad made for her. Asmeret shows her dog tags. In an interview, Asmeret tells us that in school, the black kids thought she wasn't black enough, so she hung out with the white kids. Vanessa brought a Polaroid of herself to show. Angel brought Silly Putty because he has had to learn to play different roles since his father died, and Silly Putty changes shape and picks up ink from the Sunday comics. We don't know. Jisela shows off her dancing shoes and talks about all the different kinds of dancing she loves to do, especially salsa! The casting crew loves her. Blair brought a teddy bear that his father gave him when he was in the hospital as a kid. Blair explains that one whole side of his body was burned. Mike brought a video camera because he likes to document his experiences. Ellen asks about his most memorable video moment, and he tells a sex story that concludes, "She rode me for a while." Everyone is disgusted.
Kim: I couldn't hate Mike more if he set me on fire.
Stee: Hee. Maybe he set Blair on fire. He's the new Theo.
Kim: No, he is much more terrible than Theo.
Stee: It's going to be fun watching bigoted Mike go to the West Village for the first time. "Hey, there's a queer! Hey, there's another queer! Hey...Wait a minute!" I loved how everyone hated him when he was talking about taping himself having sex.
Kim: He thought he was such a mack daddy with the sex talk and how "kinky" it was, and everyone just stared at him and thought, "What a fucking tool." I'm from a small town. I didn't have any out gay friends in high school. That's no excuse for being an idiot and I'm sick of the people on this show pretending that it is. Okay, I'll save my venom for the season and shut up now.
In an interview, Angel talks about his sister, who is gay. He used to think that two girls kissing was erotic, but now he thinks it is disgusting. Murray asks the rest of the casting crew whether they think Angel would be morally opposed to a gay castmate. Jisela and Angel lie on a bed somewhere and flirt, and then kiss.
Kevin, Malik, and Rachel D. discuss whether any of the PCMs are gay or lesbian. Coral and Jisela talk, and Coral says that she thinks Ellen is okay. Coral tells Jisela that Segun said that Angel hates Jisela. Did you get all that? Let's work backwards. Allegedly, Angel said he hates Jisela. Segun heard him and told Coral. Coral told Jisela. Jisela confronts Angel about it, and Angel denies it. Segun and Jisela get into a screaming match over it, and Jisela storms off. ["They've known each other a day and they're getting into screaming matches? Were these people raised by wolves?" -- Wing Chun] Rachel D. tries to comfort Jisela in the bathroom. Jisela says that when she was younger, her mother told her not to cry, ever, so she doesn't want to cry now.
Truth Or Dare time. Steve is asked which woman he wouldn't sleep with out of all the PCMs. He chooses Rachel B. because she's a virgin, and he wouldn't want that responsibility. Katie is asked if there is something that her parents haven't provided for her, and is told she can't answer "hooters, posing in the nude, or modeling." Katie has to say that there's nothing. Jisela is asked about a time when she was emotionally broken, and she says it has to do with her relationship with her dad, because her mom hates her dad, and her dad neglected her. Blair is asked how his life has changed since he lost weight. We find out that he lost eighty pounds. Blair says that girls pay more attention to him, but he knows that it's what's on the inside that is important. Mike is asked who of the PCMs he thinks is gay, and why. Mike says he's never met a gay person, so he had to look for someone who was swishy, and he chose Segun because he wore the lotion gloves.
Kim: Blair is a former fatty!
Stee: Yeah, there were two of those, which was weird. Him and Tom.
Kim: Everyone thought Blair was gay, too.
Stee: Blair is from Louisiana and lost eighty pounds recently and has frosted hair and people think he's gay and he seems nice but he loves to talk all black when it's useful. Just like Coral and Jisela.
Kim: I didn't notice he was from Louisiana. Maybe he hooked up with Theo!
Stee: Blair seems all right. I think he's going to puss out on a lot of Road Rules stunts.
Kim: The formerly fat thing could get really old if he keeps harping on how he doesn't want people to judge him on his looks. Don't forget, he was the "Rain Man burn baby" guy, too.
Stee: His eyes are sort of falling off his head all the time. All sad-looking. And he has burn scars like Kevin Spacey in Pay It Forward. He lived in a trailer too, but now that I think of it, I'm pretty sure he made most of that shit up.
Kim: I didn't get a strong impression of him. I think he'll be the guy to whom everyone tells their troubles.
Katie says that people either love or hate her. Coral says that she didn't think Katie had that strong of a personality. As an example, Katie says that she asked Blair if he was gay, and says that she often talks without thinking. Coral asks her if she's trying to improve that about herself, and Katie says no.
Stee: What about Katie?
Kim: She was the rich one, right? Who wants fake titties and to pose naked?
Stee: Yeah. Her objet de Show & Tell was a pen her rich father made.
Kim: It was kind of a Say Anything... moment with the father and the pen.
Stee: The funniest part of the show was when Coral said, "I don't mean to be mean, but you don't seem like you have a strong personality," and it totally went over Katie's head that she was being dissed.
Kim: Oh, I forgot about that part! When she was (like so many others) saying that everyone hates her. Wouldn't you try to change your personality if everyone you met hated you?
Stee: Angel, the Silly-Putty, would try to change his personality. I give Katie props, however, for saying that her parents give her everything. At least she admits she's a stuck-up rich brat.
Mike says he thinks Rachel B. is cute. In her final interview, Rachel B. reveals that she's never seen a penis. The interviewer makes her draw one, and she doesn't want to show them her drawing, so she eats the paper. The interviewer is still trying to get it, so she says, "You want me to swallow it? I will!" Then she realizes how what she said could be misconstrued and got embarrassed, but she tells the others that she's willing to laugh at herself.
Kim: She's never seen a penis.
Stee: I wanted to see her drawing.
Kim: Who didn't? How could you not know, at least vaguely, what a penis looks like?
Stee: She should have just drawn Mike because he kinda looks like a penis. Rachel B. will get on my nerves. She's the new Julie. But at least Julie could draw you a cock.
Kim: At least she doesn't seem quite so, "I'm sheltered, so I don't know anything." She is sheltered, and knows it, and keeps her trap shut about it. Unlike Mike the Penis.
Stee: Yeah, I know. She sorta disappeared as things went on. I hope Coral and Mike get her drunk and tag-team her.
Kim: Her hair bugs me.
Stee: Her hair was like that Beth A. chick who doesn't look like I remembered on the show. L.A., I think?
Kim: Yeah. Minus the lipstick lesbian part.
It's Day Three. Nicole tells Malik and Jason that she lives in the ghetto. Malik says that he really likes Nicole. Jason says that since he doesn't know anything about her situation, he doesn't want to pass judgment, and he hopes that he can learn from her. Mike tells Coral that he can't understand why gay men like other guys. Coral tells him that it's not for him to understand, and wonders why he even cares what other people do. Mike says that he has never been around people who accepted gays, or think that blacks and whites are equal. Apparently, Mike is from the nineteenth century. Jisela tells Sophia that she will be there for her, when Sophia tells everyone that she's a lesbian. Sophia thinks that being gay is only part of who she is, and reveals that her parents don't know.
Kim: I liked Nicole overall, and I'm scared to say this, but sometimes she looks like a drag queen.
Stee: Yes! That's in my notes. Totally. Looked like Angel from Rent.
Kim: Whew! I was afraid I would be alone on that one.
Stee: Sometimes she looked fly. But other times she looked guy.
Kim: Ha ha ha!
Stee: Anyway, we like Nicole even though one out of three times she looks like a man.
Show & Tell again. Rachel D. shows off her license plate that says "XCITE ME," and reveals that she used to be really arrogant about her looks; then she got in a car accident and her face was disfigured. She didn't leave the house for five months, and finally learned that beauty is only skin deep. Murray tells the casting crew that Rachel D. is a natural organizer, and that things will never get boring with her around. Because there's no better television than watching a bunch of young adults play Pictionary. Malik shows off a mix CD and reads some lyrics. Nicole shows her journal and says that you shouldn't judge a book by its cover. Jenn shows a boa from her boa collection and haltingly explains that she used to be arrogant and cocky. Bart shows off a stuffed dog named Nipper. Sophia shows a photo album of her friends and her rainbow necklace, signifying her sexuality. Everyone hugs her. She says that she was worried about Kevin's and Jason's reactions in particular, but that they were totally cool. Jason even says that he likes the gays now. Sophia made her hair into a mini-Afro to be more like Malik.
Kim: I loved Sophia. I have nothing bad to say about her. But I can try, if you want.
Stee: But really, if suddenly you look exactly like a rock singer new on the scene, wouldn't you change your look a bit? Or maybe she gets girls by posing as Macy Gray at clubs.
Kim: Hey, she changed her look when gave herself an Afro like Malik.
Stee: The one funny thing I thought about Sophia was how it seems she can barely open her jaw. Maybe that has something to do with why she's a lesbian.
Kim: Ha!
Stee: I have to say, I liked Sophia a lot, too. If she weren't a lesbian, I'd be afraid she's just going to turn into the new Msaada -- nice, but no screen time because B/M hates her.
Kim: Right. She's got a hook, so maybe she'll get some screen time.
Stee: I think B/M hates black people, but that's very inflammatory and don't sue me.
Kim: Why do you think that?
Stee: How many dark-skinned black people got on the show this time?
Kim: Malik? He's not really dark-skinned but he's got the big 'fro.
Stee: Malik is whiter than the older sister on The Cosby Show. Anyway. I sorta just like talking shit about B/M.
In an interview, Malik says that he has never had a long-term relationship, but that he's ready for one. The casting crew thinks that Malik has a romantic side. Malik and Nicole discuss their mutual attraction.
Kim: I liked Malik. He's pretty. And he pulls off the Afro.
Stee: Malik's afro is really impressive. Yeah, I liked him a lot, and not just because he's from my hometown. He even says "hella." Malik probably will get stepped on, though. I hope not, but I could see it happening.
Kim: Yeah. He's all romantic and shit. And yet, he's never had a girlfriend or been in a relationship. But he's ready to get married. I didn't get that.
Stee: Malik's lyrics he read sucked big time. Like Kaia's "Blue" poem the kids love so much these days.
Kim: At least Malik isn't David from New Orleans. I hope not, anyway.
Stee: No. No one is David from New Orleans. David even was like, "Dude, I was a douchebag on that show."
Kim: As he should be.
Stee: I liked Nicole, talking about all taking Malik to a shack in the ghetto. Funny shit. I bet that she kicks Mike's ass at some point.
Coral is sitting poolside with her feet in the water. Dustin sneaks up and pushes her in. Coral is pissed and storms off. Dustin keeps trying to apologize to her, but she won't talk to him. Finally, Rachel D. takes off her bikini top and gives it to Dustin to cheer him up. She shows off her lack of breast-implant-surgery scars to an uncaring crowd.
Truth or Dare. Rachel D. is told she comes off as slutty and easy, but claims to be religious, and is asked how she reconciles the two. Rachel says she's not slutty, and that it's all talk. The group makes her do a dare, and she has to list off her first impressions of everyone, including someone named Jaclyn that we've never seen before. Malik is asked to describe a fantasy about another cast member, and admits that he's attracted to Nicole. Sophia is asked which girl she would like to have a sexual experience with. She picks Jisela because she likes Puerto Rican girls. Sophia decides to do a dare anyway. Her dare is to ask someone to choose someone else for her to kiss. Sophia chooses Coral, and Coral chooses Jisela. They kiss, and not just a peck. Angel is surprised at Jisela; Coral is too.
Stee: I love that Jisela's name starts with "Jizz." That's funny as hell.
Kim: She was confusing. I'm not sure what to think about her. Except that her mother should be arrested for emotional abuse. Both for her name, and for the crying thing.
Stee: This was one of the funniest lines ever spoken: "Salsa is a whole other level of living!"
Kim: Especially the pronunciation of "salsa." Kicked ass.
Stee: Totally. Fucking hysterical. Plus she said she has a "Platinum Pimp Card." Where do I get me one of them? She has a tongue piercing and kissed the shit out of Sophia. I like her. You know she doesn't have a fucking clue how to foxtrot, though. Liar.
Angel says that he finds Jisela's and Sophia's kissing unappealing. Jisela and Sophia are talking in the bathroom when Angel comes in. Sophia gets the hint and takes off. Jisela explains that she only did it to support Sophia, adding that Sophia asked to kiss again off-camera, and that Jisela turned her down. Angel says that he's not jealous. Jisela thinks that he is scared or disgusted. In an interview, Jisela says that Angel is creepy, and that they have no future together.
Kim: Angel looked like The Rock.
Stee: He did! But stupider.
Kim: And more homophobic.
Stee: I love that his sister decided she's a lesbian and alla sudden he's all throwing away all his lesbian porno. All, "Hey, that's not sexy anymore!"
Kim: He is the only straight (allegedly) guy I've ever met who thinks lesbians kissing is disgusting.
Stee: Dude, he fucking cried when Jisela was explaining why she made out with Sophia. Crying!
Kim: And it wasn't like Jisela was chowing box. She just kissed her. And it wasn't like Jisela was his fiancée. He's a baby.
Stee: You said "chowing box."
Kim: I watched the director's commentary of Dogma last night and now I have a filthy mouth. Fucking Kevin Smith.
Stee: "Fucking Kevin Smith," is right. He used to date my neighbor Joey Lauren Adams, and I'd see him outside waiting for a cab all the time, and he never said hello. Dickhead.
Kim: That was, like, three years ago. He's gotten married and had a kid since then. Maybe it's time to let that one go?
Stee: I would let it go, but he still owes me $8.50 for Dogma and $3.00 for when I rented Mallrats. Fucker.
Kim: I would just like to state for the record that I liked both Dogma and Mallrats, and that it has nothing to do with my bizarre crush on Ben Affleck. Well, not much.
Rachel D. organizes a drag show beauty contest for the men. The women help the men get ready, and then serve as judges. Segun is asked to imitate a falling leaf, and for some reason they show it in slow motion. Dustin is pissed because he doesn't condone the drag show. Malik, Clint, and Steve are the finalists, and Steve wins. He gives a speech to the effect that his victory shows you don't need implants to win. Dustin is really, really pissed about the whole thing, and tells everyone that he doesn't endorse the product they are putting out there.
Kim: Rachel D. was, like, forty-two years old.
Stee: She looks like Crystal Bernard. Actually, I think it might have been Crystal Bernard. She was all saying that looks aren't important and that real strength comes from within, and then she showed everyone her titties.
Kim: And no scars! She was just trying to cheer Dustin up, Stee. You would've done the same thing.
Stee: I guess she was trying to cheer Dustin up after he got that terrible tattoo around his neck. Or because no one knows where North Dakota is. Or because he's named "Dustin." Which is funny because it's a verb.
Kim: Or because he wouldn't "endorse her product."
Stee: Dustin tried to kill Coral.
Kim: I thought she was overreacting, but it was kind of a dick move.
Stee: Dustin was just so scary when he was saying that he hates men in drag. The look on his face. Frightening. Scary like Ray Romano getting a million an episode.
Kim: He has a lot of unresolved anger issues. Dustin, not Ray Romano. Although maybe Ray Romano does, too.
Stee: I think Ray does. My cat hates me, by the way. She's staring at me all, "I know Road Rules is starting again. Please pack my bags." Dustin doesn't endorse gays but is fully behind drowning girls. I like how he brought photos of himself doing volunteer work. Like then we'll forget he's a scary hillbilly.
Kim: Dustin sucks. I love how racist people can be on the show, but homophobic people can't. Supporting your B/M racist theory.
Stee: Totally. Let's talk about Steve. He's poor. He grew up in a cardboard box. I wish he was raised in a pirate ship, because that's funny when you say it while holding your tongue.
Kim: I know so many people whose parents didn't have a crib at first, so they slept in a dresser drawer or whatever. So not a big deal. They made it out like he was homeless.
Stee: I love my notes on him. "Asian-ish. Poor. Lived in a box." I liked Steve. He's probably going to be pretty bland, but I like him.
Kim: And he won the beauty contest.
Stee: He did. His acceptance speech was pretty funny. Dustin wanted to kiss him. I would be worried Dustin is going to read this and kick my ass, but I don't think they have computers in North Dakota.
Kim: Fuck Dustin. I've made my feelings on men in drag as comedy well known, but I thought Steve was actually funny and a good sport.
Stee: You hate drag?
Kim: I just don't think that straight guys dressing up like women is funny in 2001. Like, drag as an art form? Fine. But man in woman's clothes does not automatically equal funny, and so many TV shows think that it does.
Stee: I hear you. [Taking off bra.]
Day Four. Coral and Jason talk. Jason says that he's sheltered because he's from Mississippi. Coral says that people in San Francisco are down-to-earth and easygoing, and that people in Mississippi are uptight and have a lot of rules. Jason tells her that he would date a black girl if given the opportunity.
Stee: I really didn't know there were so many racists and bigots in this world. B/M can sure find them. Takes one. Know one. Again, don't sue me!
Kim: And everyone on the show is either hugely racist, or the most tolerant person in the world. There is no middle ground.
Stee: Yeah. Stupid show.
Show & Tell. Lori shows her security blanket, and cries as she explains that her parents are getting divorced, and that her mother told her that she and her father never loved each other. Clint shows off an Afro wig. Jaclyn shows a picture she drew when she was four. Patrice shows a picture of her family. Jason shows a bottle of liquor. Kevin shows a cross that he keeps in his pocket, and reveals that he had cancer. Kevin explains to Vanessa that when he first was cleared of the cancer, he valued life every day, but then, after a while, he started taking it for granted again. Also, he became religious.
The PCMs gather to make up questions for Truth or Dare. This must have happened on like the first day, but whatever. Coral flips out at Ellen for no reason, and Ellen comments that Coral's cornrows must be too tight. Coral calls Ellen ignorant. Coral says, "You don't want this," indicating herself. Ellen says, "You don't want this." Later, Ellen tells Jisela what happened. Coral goes to Ellen's room, but Ellen wants Coral to leave and orders her out. Coral tells Ellen that she's taking the whole thing too seriously. Ellen keeps telling Coral to "kiss [her] baby ass," while smacking said ass. Coral tells her to put some clothes on, and walks out. Ellen is fuming.
Stee: They were about one boom operator away from hair pulling. Ellen would have got her ass so fucking kicked, though.
Kim: I know I'm supposed to hate Ellen, so it makes me want to like her. But I can't. She sucks.
Stee: I swear, I think Ellen was on the last episode of Chains of Love. You're supposed to love her because you hate her so much, but she's so hateable that you just end up hating her. She and Amaya are probably the suckiest people in the world.
Kim: Well, Shogun was the same way: "We're both beautiful and people are jealous!" Who thinks that way? Where do these people come from?
Stee: I actually do love Ellen, though. She's fucking hysterical. I like? How she ends? Each sentence? With a question mark? Because she has? No true self-esteem? She was even like, "You are the most hypocritical person I have ever met?"
Kim: "Kiss my motherfucking baby ass?" It was all a question.
Stee: Look at her left eye sometime. It's crazy. All staring at something else. I think I'm going to call her Left Eye.
Kim: And then she can set Andre Rison's house on fire.
Stee: "I'm a pretty, pretty princess." And she wonders why girls hate her? How can you be that fucking stupid? Seriously. I hope she falls out of the Winnie and dies. I'm going to have to program the word "ho" into my F3 button.
Kim: She wasn't that pretty, even. And I'm not just saying that because my fat ass is jealous.
Truth or Dare. Jason is allowed to ask a question, and asks Coral what she thinks of him. Coral praises him highly. In an interview, Coral thinks that Jason likes her, and says that he will get the wall because he can't handle her. Kevin is asked whether he's ever had dirty thoughts about a PCM. Kevin explains that Lori told him about an experience she had, and it gave him dirty thoughts. Lori is asked with which PCM she would cheat on her boyfriend. We see a montage of all the guys discussing how hot Lori is. Lori says that it would be Kevin. In an interview, Kevin says that he digs Lori, and that if they get on the same show, something will definitely happen between them.
Stee: I thought it was funny how Kevin sort of hid the fact that he is all Christianed out, because the kids hate God and all.
Kim: I didn't like him. I'm probably going to hell, but the cancer thing can't overshadow the fact that he's a smug bastard.
Stee: He is smug. That's what cancer does to you. It makes you live every day for all it's worth. And it makes you think you are the shit. Kevin could play a Russian Mafioso if he didn't open his mouth.
Kim: Now that I think about it, he kind of looked like the Nazi Fuck on Six Feet Under. I can buy the religion stuff -- if I survived cancer, I might get religious. But smugness will not do.
Stee: Yeah, he does look like the Nazi guy. And like Sweep The Leg Johnny, from The Karate Kid.
Kim: Yeah, but a little less blond. Maybe that's why I hate him. No, I hate him because he's smug. Like that little look that Lori liked so much? Sucks.
In an interview, Lori talks about her boyfriend, and how different they are, which is why she knows that they will break up eventually. Lori talks to Kevin and reveals that her boyfriend will be mad when he sees this show; she calls him "emotionally immature." Kevin explains that he has a problem with commitment. He's never cheated on a girlfriend, but he is reluctant to get into relationships.
Stee: The karaoke queen. The unfaithful girlfriend. The eyebrow-tweezer. Somewhere Catherine Zeta-Jones is all, "Give me back my looks from ten years ago."
Kim: I liked Lori, overall. She does look like Catherine Zeta-Jones, but she has exactly the same speaking voice as Gwyneth Paltrow. Close your eyes, and it's Gwyneth.
Stee: She's very pretty and seems cool. Not much bad to say about her, yet. But her boyfriend should dump the shit out of her.
Kim: Yeah, I can't believe she called him "emotionally immature" on camera. Well, at all, but especially on camera.
Stee: Plus her parents stayed in a loveless marriage for twenty-one years just for her sake. But I guess that's not really her fault.
Kim: How fucking harsh is it that her mom said, "Your father and I never loved each other." Dude.
Jason and Coral go swimming together. Jason is ostensibly teaching Coral how to swim. Coral goes underwater and when she surfaces, rubs her breasts all over Jason's head. Suddenly, they are inside, near a steamed-up window. Coral's hand wipes some of the steam off the window. The camera man stands outside the closed door and Coral comes out and acts surprised to see him there. She denies that anything was going on.
Kim: I liked Coral in the beginning, because she was straightforward. But then she ruined it with the boobs in the pool and the steamy window. So staged. So I'm convinced she's a big fake.
Stee: Coral is viper mean and a total back-stabber. A holier-than-thou bitch with a seriously swelled head, insanely judgemental, and has eighteen different agendas at one time. I love her. She seems like she belongs on Road Rules Semester At Sea.
Kim: I liked that she calls people out, and isn't afraid of confrontation. I'd much rather see that than bitching behind people's backs (although she does that too).
Stee: She had some great lines. To someone she was all, "It just sounds like bark bark bark, and I don't speak dog."
Kim: Did you notice whenever the group was gathered for the games, she always had women sitting around her, playing with her hair, or she was leaning on someone's legs? It's like she was a queen. I expected someone to start feeding her grapes.
Stee: That would have made for good TV. She scares people, just like that mean chick from Miami did. And I'm not talking about Gloria Estefan. Who also scares people but in a different way.
Kim: Hee! But then she can also be really nice. When it serves her purposes. Whatever they may be.
Stee: Jason looked like Robbie Robertson. With the soul patch. He is, like Dustin, a gay-hating hillbilly, but at least he was open to things.
Kim: Jason looks like Pacey. And he got a face full of Coral boobies.
Stee: He looked like Pacey, but before Pacey ate the whole town. Jason brought a bottle of booze as his Show & Tell item, which is really kinda smart if you want to drink. Jason is an alcoholic.
Kim: Were you as horrified as I was by the swimming booby business? I'm scarred.
Stee: Why are you scarred?
Kim: Didn't you see when Coral swam underwater and then came up and stuck her boobs right in Jason's face? She nearly concussed him with those things!
Stee: Yeah, it was funny. She tried to play it off, but Jason was all, "I think you need another lesson, missy." I loved that while Jason was all thinking he was about to get some, Coral was just drawing on the steam in the window behind his head.
Kim: She was practically crooking her finger to the cameraman: "Come here! Over here! Film this!" and then when they showed up, she was "surprised."
Steve says that this is his fourth time trying to be on one of the shows. The casting crew walks through the patio area, and everyone falls silent. It's the last night, and they are all going out somewhere to celebrate. Everyone gets dressed up. Once there, nothing interesting happens. Tom says that he thinks some people are basing their whole lives on whether they get on a show or not.
Kim: After all the buildup, I can't believe we didn't really get to see Jisela dance at the "End of the Week Blowout" thing.
Stee: That Blowout sucked ass. The lamest party ever. Sophia was rapping. The four couples danced. And the white boys talked at the bar. That's it.
Kim: There was so much buildup to it, and then they showed two seconds of dark footage. Why bother?
It's Announcement Day! Segun tells us that he really wants it, and is practically crying. Jisela thinks that Ellen will be on Road Rules. Jisela feels that she herself is too shallow to get on any show. Ellen never wants to hear the words "shallow, deep, fake, or real" again. Segun says that he won't know what to do if he doesn't make it, because he's basing his whole life's happiness on this.
Bunim and Murray come out with the casting crew to make the announcements. Murray reveals that they will call out thirteen names, but that the cast members won't know which show they are on until they get to New York City. The new cast members are:
- Jisela.
- Malik
- Kevin, who says they are all in a fraternity due to their shared experience.
- Sophia, who hugs the casting director who interviewed her.
- Adam
- Rachel B.
- Coral
- Mike, who hugs Murray so hard he nearly cracks him in half, and yells about how stupid he feels.
- Blair
- Lori
- Ellen, who cries and apologizes for being a bitch.
- Steve
- Nicole
Kim: We should probably talk about all the losers before this is over.
Stee: Vanessa. Jigga-who?
Kim: Exactly.
Stee: Here's what I wrote in my notes: "Blonde. Bland. Brought Polaroid photo."
Kim: All I know about her is that she brought a picture of herself from the casting call as her Show & Tell thing. How boring are you if that's the best you could come up with?
Stee: Her personality makes Kathryn and Holly look like Rip Taylor. Let's move on. Clint.
Kim: Seriously. Who?
Stee: My notes, "Brought Afro wig. Sugar-Ray looking guy." He got zero screen time. He also got booted, so who cares?
Kim: I think the fact that he brought an Afro wig, and that Malik didn't kick his ass, is amazing.
Stee: I think it was Malik's hair. up is Bart. I don't know.
Kim: Why did they even bother bringing twenty-seven people when at least seven weren't going to get any air time?
Stee: Who really can say who the real Bart is. Bart is enigmatic.
Kim: I still don't know who you are talking about.
Stee: Bart is, well, Bart is Bart. There's just so much Bartness.
Kim: Are you sure you didn't make this guy up?
Stee: It's hard to talk about really... Yeah, no, I have no idea who Bart was.
Kim: Let's just throw Asmaret in here too.
Stee: Asmer-what? Yeah, she had big ol' googly eyes and used to hang with white girls but lived in the ghetto. That's all I remember.
Kim: Asmaret stole Melissa's line from last year about "not black enough for the blacks, not white enough for the whites." What about Jenn?
Stee: Jenn? No, you're thinking of Vanessa. Oooooh, Jenn. She brought a boa and then tried to spin it into a sad "my daddy raped me"-type story when she realized what a tool she was about to look like.
Kim: So sad.
Stee: Tom is . Tom is a dumb-looking white guy who also used to be fat and likes Ellen. That's all I know about him. That's all his mom really knows about him, too.
Kim: He brought a picture of Chevy Chase. I'm not sure if that was funny, but it cracked me up.
Stee: Did he? That's stupid. Even Chevy's wife no longer has any photos of Chevy.
Kim: That was his Show & Tell, but they never told us why. He just waved the picture around. Like if he was all, "I love Fletch and Caddyshack," fine. But if he was all, "Worship Chevy like a god," well -- no.
Stee: Sure.
Kim: Patrice was pretty and had a great smile. Other than that, I've got nothing.
Stee: I thought Patrice was pretty but she went the way of the Jenn and the Bart. Zero screen time. She must have been one of Murray's favorites and Bunim just wanted to take away all his happiness and joy in life.
Kim: I liked when she said she was proud of her fat ass. It made me want to know more about her. Fucking Bunim.
Stee: Have they even had an overweight person on these shows? Maybe the singer from London? She was a bit larger than Jacinda, at least.
Kim: Yeah, she's about it. Sharon.
Stee: Hey, are you as ashamed as me that you know all these people's names? Like, I couldn't remember the other day what a scalene triangle is, but I know why Stephen hit Irene and what Norman's dog was named.
Kim: No, because I actually know the people's names. You're all, "The singer from London!" Like you don't know her name.
Stee: Okay, but no one knows London!
Kim: It's an arcane knowledge. But yes, it is shameful.
Stee: Guess who is last?
Kim: Adam? Kidding.
Stee: Jaclyn. Here is my note on Jaclyn, "Latina."
Kim: Shit. She's so forgettable that I couldn't even remember her to throw into the "forgettable" pile.
Stee: Yeah, B/M even forgot to save her a seat on the bus out of Palm Springs.
Kim: The only camera time she got was when Rachel D. had to tell her first impressions of everyone and she said, "Jaclyn" and I was all laughing because I thought she fucked up someone's name, but then it turned out there really was a Jaclyn. Who knew?
Stee: No one. Patrice. Vanessa. Clint. Bart. Jenn. Asmeret. Tom. Jaclyn. We hardly knew ye. Now go the fuck home.
There are hugs and tears. Ellen tries to comfort Segun, who is having a nervous breakdown. Angel and Jisela say goodbye. Ellen and Coral make up and agree to listen to each other. They do a big group photo with the winners and losers. Katie offers to be a backup if someone can't make it.
Stee: I'm so glad Segun got dissed. Ran home crying to his "girlfriend." I still loved when he was all painted like he was in The Lion King stage show.
Kim: I think he committed suicide.
Stee: He and Pedro are playing canasta somewhere.
Over the credits, Katie tells someone on the phone that she is too boring to make it on either show.
Kim: Apparently there is a "race war" in the first Real World episode because (surprise!) Mike makes a stupid-ass comment.
Stee: Cool! Have you heard anything else?
Kim: Lori is really into Kevin -- he's not so much into her. Mike says they sat around and drank all the time. You know, because there's nothing to do in New York City.
Stee: Okay. Anything about my show? My show? Road Rules? No? Shit. Everyone hates Road Rules. Even Chains of Love is all, "Road what?" Boot Camp beats up the Road Rules in the lunch line every day.
Kim: Quit crying, you baby. ["Seriously. Like, with your track record of the assy shows I've assigned you, you're complaining about Road Rules? Do you want me to start my letter-writing campaign to revive The $treet? Because I will." -- Wing Chun] I noticed that there were a lot of cast members who were like, "I used to think I was hot shit until my father raped me," or whatever. That was this year's theme, like last year was about Jesus.
Stee: Totally. That was the theme. I'm hoping year it will be "Show Your Boobies," but that's probably just me.