Previously on Road Rules...No "Previously." We see a shot of a hotel that surprisingly does not look like Hojo's. Contract went sour? I assume Howard Johnson's realized it was actually sullying its reputation as a respectable low-rent hotel chain by associating itself with Road Rules. Kathryn stands in her hotel room bathroom, curling her hair. The floaty version of her talks about how much she's missing her boyfriend, Reed. She goes on to say, "And I'm really upset that he doesn't seem to care, doesn't seem to want to visit on Valentine's." Then floaty Laterrian, sounding even more stuffed-up than usual, says that he helpfully informed Kathryn that she's not in love with Reed, giving her eight reasons why, and that Kathryn denied them all. Sounding as moony as usual about the man in her life -- which is to say not at all -- floaty K tries to convince us and herself, saying that she loves Reed "very much." Apropos of not a whole lot, she goes on to say, "Truth is, Laterrian and I are friends." Meanwhile, Laterrian and Kathryn get on the hotel elevator together...Going down?
The Graphic of Stupid informs us that this segment will heretofore be comma-lessly known as, "Love Lust & Lies." Laterrian and Kathryn walk down the street, pushing each other like Winnie and Kevin on The Wonder Years. They head to a mall to shop for a Valentine's Day present for Reed. "I definitely think Laterrian has some jealousy issues with Reed," says floaty Dr. Holly Brothers, still plagued by the Theo-spread Blue Cheek Star of Evil. "I have no Valentine to buy a card for, so..." says Laterrian, sneakily avoiding ending a sentence with a preposition by adding the "so...." They head to Victoria's Secret for what looks like a pink teddy (Reed wears pink teddies?) and Laterrian helpfully suggests that Kathryn take naked pictures to send to Reed; Kathryn laughingly protests cuz, you know, been there, done that. Laterrian's voice shoots up nine octaves as he says -- and this is the best I can make out -- "Look...interesting...in the, in the, in the, things. In the things." Once his seizure ends, he sweetly offers to take the photos, going so far as to offer to pay for half of the teddy if she lets him. "Whatever," retorts Kathryn. Oooh, pulling the "whatever" card. That's hard-core. We go into a montage of a million floaties as the kids sit down together for a nice dinner at a restaurant. Blue Star Theo is first to float, saying, "I really do not know what to say about Laterrian or Kathryn." When has not knowing what to say ever stopped Theo before? "I think that Laterrian likes Kathryn. I really do," offers Msaada, breaking her claim of last week that she's not a nosy person. Theo yodels that it's wrong for Laterrian to "pressure" Kathryn when he knows she has a boyfriend, and James says something about gears turning and people saying stuff, but I can't concentrate as I notice there are about six other people at their table with them. What is that, crew? Are Bunim-Murray hungry after trying unsuccessfully blow up the Big Brother house? (Incidentally, B/M have begun to run anti-Survivor ads for The Real World. It's pretty damn sad. It's like, "We have been doing this shit for nine years and all we had to do all along was give them a fucking reward at the end and our ratings would have shot up? Damn you, Survivor. Damn you to hell!") So everyone at the table laughs for some reason -- presumably because Msaada or someone whispered, "Who the hell are these other people sitting with us?" Actually, I have to say that Holly looks rather fetching tonight. Wait...did I just say that Holly looks good? And did I just say "fetching"? Oh man, I really should have taken Young Americans instead. Floaty Holly can't say for sure whether anything is going to happen between Laterrian and Kathryn, as, at the table, Laterrian winks at Kathryn. (I didn't know people actually still winked? I thought that went out in the '40s. Maybe Laterrian just had something in his eye.)
So the editors keep picking one-shots of everyone looking suspicious, cut in with shots of Laterrian and Kathryn flirting. Laterrian gets up to go to the bathroom as James stares, wondering if Laterrian will let him come too. So then, as Theo makes time with some random guy at their table, James voice-overs -- and we see -- that a few seconds later, Kathryn also disappears from the table. Well...she doesn't, like, just disappear; that would be freaky. She gets up. So Theo goes to the bathroom -- obviously not really having to go to the bathroom -- and in voice-over, tells us that when he knocked, Laterrian told him to "hold on," and that Kathryn was in there with him. Theo is a snoop, man. Let them fondle each other in private. Jeez. "I really don't have, like, anything substantial to go on," says Theo. You have nothing substantial between your ears, Theo. Afterwards, Msaada and Theo stand on the street saying how wrong it is for Laterrian to go after Kathryn. But it's not wrong for Kathryn? Yeah, she can't help it if she happens to follow Laterrian into the bathroom stall and his dick happens to slip into her mouth. Theo says "dude" about seven times in one sentence; I'd really like someone who taped this episode to do a Theo "dude" count. I think it could be an interesting linguistic experiment. Msaada is very upset at the supposed hook-up. Theo goes on to tell her that he doesn't want to say anything because he's "been there." What, he's had Laterrian's dick in his mouth too? In the now-empty restaurant, standing with the too-well-put-back-together Kathryn near the waiter's station, Laterrian wonders, "What is going on? What is everybody doing?"
We see a brief split screen of the RV driving down the night road, and I briefly fantasize that the other four kids left Laterrian and Kathryn back at the restaurant, having voted them off the Shasta. (This, sadly, does not prove to be the case.) It's morning now and we get split-screen shots of both Laterrian and Kathryn looking glum and conflicted -- sort of how I look right now...well, minus the "conflicted" part. And replace "glum" with "disgusted and bored." Now we see that Kathryn and Laterrian are just sitting in the RV staring at each other, yes, still glum and conflicted. The mood is ruined by a shot of Theo working out at the gym, and then getting way too much pleasure from spotting James.
"Wow! Grand Slam just $2.99." So reads a sign for Denny's. I guess B/M found yet another corporate sponsor. Damn. C'mon! Is nothing sacred? This blatant commercialization of television is intolerable. The tacky intrusion of big business is going to ruin the artistic integrity of the show. I mean...oh right, this is Road Rules. There is no integrity to ruin. Neve rmind. Anyway, so Msaada, Holly, and Kathryn eat breakfast at Denny's. There are a couple of weird things here. At first they are seated at a booth by the window. In the very shot, they are at a booth in the middle of the joint. Either they moved on their own, or B/M moved them because the lighting sucked (or because they'd already gotten their shot of the USA Today rack outside but the paper had only paid for one screen-view.) Secondly, when did Denny's decide to start serving black people? So we discover the point of this whole segment when Reed, Kathryn's boyfriend, walks in. The girls feign surprise (he was walking in with a camera crew, after all) as he sits down in the booth and starts kissing Kathryn. "Oh my god, what are you doing here?" asks Kathryn, wishing she'd brushed her teeth after last night's bathroom fun with Laterrian. Holly makes sure to point out that she knew Reed would show up; she repeats it over and over and over and over and over. Floaty Msaada lays it down, "Oh my god, he so...he's like, small." Ha. He is. He looks kind of like an even smaller Matt Damon, but with more mousse in his hair. Floaty Blue Star Holly, somehow resisting pointing out that she knew Reed would come and she's so smart and everyone should love her and why isn't she getting any attention anymore, says, "I think Kathryn has some, uh, tension right now, whether she wants to admit it or not." Kathryn says she can't eat because she's ready to throw up. I know the feeling, honey. "Like, now I'm really on edge," she says. Msaada and Holly just look down at their Grand Slams, thinking, "Drama. Cool."
The two girls, wearing the ugliest yellow Road Rules jackets, turn all Cindy Brady on us and run up to the non-Hojo rooms to be the first ones to tell Laterrian (and James) that Reed showed up. The proud-to-be-raining-on-Laterrian's-pussyrade Holly is bopping back and forth, smiling as she delivers the news. Laterrian, meanwhile, looks like he's been punched. The look on his face, even if it is taken out of context or from a different shot, as B/M is wont to do, is priceless; he lies back on the bed and puts his Walkman back on. As Reed and Kathryn check in to a different room, James lies down on the bed to Laterrian and says, "Well, at least someone's getting some. Well, actually you've gotten a lot [mumble mumble mumble]." "Shut the fuck up, dun [sic], shut the fuck up. I haven't had any!" says Laterrian, smiling just enough so you know he enjoys the ribbing, and that he is lying. As Kathryn and Reed kiss chastely in their room, James goes on a "dude"-fest. "So he just showed up, dude. Maybe, maybe he just couldn't take it any more, dude. Maybe they're two peas in the pod, dude; they both can't go a long time without sex." Now, this pisses me off, since last week they made this look like it was referring to Kathryn and Laterrian, not Reed. That's straight-up lying. How could B/M treat us so? This is season nine, man, and we're still watching. Add The Real World to that, and that makes nearly twenty seasons' worth of annoying people, annoying editing, annoying jobs and missions we've sat through, and how do they repay us? By lying. Nice one, B/M. I hope you watch tapes of Survivor and Big Brother at home every night, drinking Old Granddad and chewing your toenails with jealousy. You probably are, because you certainly aren't busy working on The Real World, let alone your neglected, deformed, crack-baby of a show, Road Rules. Anyway, Kathryn does something rather mean by bringing The Talented Mr. Reed up to meet Laterrian. Laterrian is obviously pretty bummed/tripped-out as he shakes hands with Reed and tries to make small talk. "This [beep] is looking ugly," voice-overs Laterrian. "This is not looking good at all." Rock! Some drama besides Holly's bitchy ways and Theo's idiot savant behavior. Cool.
Commercial time. Hey, MTV makes up for last week by putting an ad for The Lyricist Lounge Show first. Starring guest-rapper Mos Def. Fresh! Oh, I so do hate these K-Mart jeans ads. I went to K-Mart the other day -- man do they carry some scary brands of crap. I ended up buying Martha Stewart pillows just because I at least recognized her evil ass. Is anyone in the free world rooting for Coyote Ugly to do anything but tank? I didn't think so. ["Hey, I am! I think it might unseat my favourite Center Stage as the greatest movie of all time!" -- Wing Chun]
We're back, and the segment title reads, "Not A Five Minute Sex Girl," as Msaada snaps the photo of a very dressed-up Kathryn and Reed. I suddenly realize I have no idea where we are now, since the kids seem to be holed up in furnished apartments for this Valentine's Day. I don't know. I give up once again. As a helmet-haired floaty Holly talks about how hard this is on Kathryn due to the gossip flying around, Kathryn leads Reed into Laterrian's room and sits the boys down on the same couch. "I just need to have this chat with you." Kathryn starts babbling about how she's not a "two-to-five-minute sex girl," rendering the segment title technically incorrect. She says that Reed knows she flirts, and then turns to Reed: "You know I flirt." Now Reed, wearing a tux and looking very plastic and shrimpy says, "She's a very sexual girl." Ew. Ewwwwww! Reed! Damn, that's creepy. The way he said it was like a guy bragging about his car. "She's got eight cylinders, she does." Laterrian is totally freaked by the whole conversation, as am I. Okay. So Kathryn here is doing her damnedest to deny that she got freaky with Laterrian, without saying that nothing happened. She's getting all Bill Clinton on us as she says something about "flowing" and then, "If the two major players are like, 'didn't happen,' like, quit talking about it, I'm bored. It's like beating a dead horse that's been shot, like, twenty times with a shotgun." Speaking of nonsense, in comes Theo wearing a camouflage hat; he sits right down. Ooh, maybe he thinks no one can see him. It's a bit hard to figure out just what's going on because not only is it so creepy and unbelievable on Kathryn's part, but the audio is so spliced that we're getting tons of weird back-sound and mumbles that make the whole thing like listening to some Laurie Anderson tape-loop piece from the seventies. K continues this unbelievable verbal bullshit assault, righteously talking about how her father puts his arm around her and whether that makes him a pervert. Theo watches in disbelief, Reed scratches the pillow, trying hard to believe the crap pouring from Kathryn's lipsticked mouth, and Laterrian just shakes his head, covering his eyes with his hand. I feel bad for Laterrian. She has the boyfriend. He's single. And now she's not only lying about it to her boyfriend, but making Laterrian part of that lie by telling Reed all this nonsense in front of him. If I were Laterrian, I'd just say, "Yeah, sure. Nothing happened. Oh, by the way, here are your panties."
So Kathryn, feeling very proud of herself for pulling an O.J. -- actually becoming so wrapped up in proving the lie that she actually beings to believe it herself -- eats a romantic dinner at a restaurant with Good Will Stunted. He makes me cry with his touching V-Day toast: "A thousand miles apart, but one dying desire to see you on a very special night." D'oh! You hear that? He said, "one dying desire," meaning that the desire to see Kathryn is dying. Hee. Freudian slip, honest mistake, or carefully placed semantic out-clause? You decide.
Meanwhile, back at the mysterious apartment, James and Theo celebrate the holiday d'amour by playing a quiet game of cards alone together. James and Theo trade "dude"s, Theo talking about how he doesn't like the dishonesty. James tells Theo that he's party to privileged information from Laterrian that he can't talk about...and quickly goes on to tell Theo that L.T. and K did indeed get down in the bathroom. What a good friend, that James.
Back at the restaurant, Kathryn and Reed do a scene together so phony they'd be booed off a South Dakota dinner-theatre stage. Reed gives her a bracelet. She purrs that he spoils her. "You are expensive," he husks. "Do you like it?" she coys. "Yes. With love." They kiss. Yuck. Puke! Jesus. I'm all for romance and syrupy shit, but at least make it...I don't know...believable.
So back in the Shasta, who knows actually when, Laterrian draws. Msaada watches him, either smirking, or flirting. I honestly can't tell. (She looks pretty sexy, whatever it is she's doing.) Dumb-shit Laterrian tells her to stop paying attention to him, or to his drawing. "I'm just thinking, okay?" he nasals. Msaada actually looks a tiny bit upset. Man, Msaada should really jump ship from this show. If it hadn't taken place months ago, I'd drive across the country, find the Shasta, and forcibly remove Msaada. Throw Puck or Amaya in there with them instead. That's what these five deserve. Not Msaada. So Kathryn and Reed leave the restaurant, Reed giving a "thank you" to the staff, looking very upright and fake and country-clubbish.
Oh crap! I thought since we're halfway through...Fuck. Yes, we see the blue light go off. The Road Master. Suddenly everyone is back at the Shasta as Min Headroom has an epileptic seizure before starting to talk. "Question from the Road Master," he says. (We get a very funny shot of Holly smiling, rolling her head around, making finger horns at the RM, and generally acting really goofy. I watched it three times to make sure, but it is actually kind of...charming and cute. I know. I know. Let the hate mail begin.) "Do you ever feel like somebody bigger and stronger is in control?" He goes on to say that he bets the kids would like to control him, and he'd love it if they tried. "But first, you'll have to control them!" Blah. Catch-phrase. Disappear. Goodnight Oh Bloated One. So, this might just be me, but it seems as if this foreshadows some battle with the Road Master, does it not? Maybe they'll get to kill him at the end of the season. Like, really kill him. Shit, B/M has to do something to help the ratings. The kids read their email, discovering that they have to meet someone early the following morning. They guess it has something to do with cattle or horses. So...time to play Guess Who Said This. Ready? You get one guess. "I'm not Mr. Horse when it comes to horse stuff." Take your guess...Yes! You're right. You win six days of no Road Rules! On that line we cut to the morning, as Reed checks out of the hotel. B/M calls Laterrian to the lobby so he can walk smack into the crying couple saying goodbye. Laterrian stops dead in his tracks, then awkwardly scoots by them. Outside as the cabbie waits, Kathryn hugs Reed, crying because she knows by the time she sees him she'll mostly likely have cheated on him repeatedly. "Come back to me in one piece," says Reed stiffly, to the sniffling Kathryn. She'll come back minus the piece Laterrian's going to get. As Reed gets in the taxi, floaty Kathryn justifies her cheating. "Reed is the type of guy... he knows that I love him. And he's seen me flirt with a million other guys and he knows who I'm coming home with at the end of the night." Oh My God if she was my girlfriend I'd drop her quicker than Bill Buckner trying to run down an easy grounder. As Kathryn cries, Theo watches in the distance. Theo is now goofy, annoying, stupid, and creepy.
So the kids pack up the Shasta and drive away. Split-screen nonsense with Laterrian listening to music and Kathryn staring into the distance. They pull up to the rural house where they're supposed to discover their mission. John and Barb answer the door as a graphic tells us they are "Job Mayors." So this is a "job" as opposed to a "mission"? So I guess this also means that Sheriff Andy from last week gets to stay in office at least a week longer, since they're technically mayors of a different district. The couple leads the kids into their house and introduces them to their twin toddler daughters. Mayor John explains that he and his wife haven't had a night alone since the babies were born, so our kids' job is to watch the girls for twenty-four hours. The title card for the mission reads, "Adventures In Babysitting," but I don't see Elisabeth Shue anywhere. "Good deal," says Theo, as the couple leave. John adds that some other friends might be stopping by to drop something off. I hope it's drugs. Maybe that'll liven things up. So we quickly learn the Big Twist, as five more couples stop by, each dropping off a pair of young twins. At the end there are twelve children and floaty Theo chaws, "We're, like, in Noah's ark -- there's two of every kind coming in. And, I mean, it's just becoming hella to deal with." He said "hella." I think I'm going to cry. And...commercial.
Okay. This is going to be difficult as the tone of the entire segment quickly makes itself known: quick shots of kids crying and chaos and floaties and diapers and generally confusing television. There is something funny about the whole thing, but mostly I think this: Jesus these have to be the worst parents ever, leaving their kids with a Shasta full of morons. You know that there are extra child -are professionals behind the scenes. There just have to be. What if a kid started choking? James and Theo would just run around saying, "Dude, stop choking." Kathryn would cry. Holly would be pissed that the attention was off her so she'd start choking as well. And Laterrian would just angst-fully rub his face and put his headphones back on. Msaada would probably know what to do, but by that time I'd have pulled her from the show like I promised. So...kids spill Legos. Stare at Laterrian. A really ugly kid cries at Holly, who wears a doily on her head and actually smiles at the scary kid and looks very pretty. (I know. I know. Sue me.) I'm sure a lot of men have cried in Holly's arms. Maybe the kid is crying because the star on her cheek has suddenly turned silver and he knows that in the course of the Blue Star Disease, that means she's near death. Someone tells "Eli" not to do something and a smiling kid walks up the stairs, unsupervised, heading to call the Childrens' Welfare Department to rat on his parents. "Dude. They fucking stuck us with the kids from Road Rules. I'd feel safer being watched by NAMBLA conventioneers." James literally body-slams a child onto the bed. (Man, and I thought that English nanny was bad.) Laterrian crawls after a running kid. Kathryn forces two bespectacled girls to help dust the table as she tries to convince them that she loved Reed. Another girl hits Laterrian's puffed-out cheeks as Theo wipes a "monstrous amount of mucae [sic]" from a kids' nose. James plays Cocktail with some baby bottles, in keeping with the Elisabeth Shue theme of the segment. Children are thrown, swung, hit, chased, carried, and generally mistreated. Kathryn prepares lunch, cutting something with a huge knife while holding a child in her arms. And then, as they're all trying to feed the children, Kathryn says, "Just shove it in their mouths." Man, she's not going to be a good mother. The rest seem to do okay with the kids. Except for James with the body-slamming. And Theo because I wouldn't trust Theo to look after my hamster, and it's been dead for thirteen years. Oh no. It looks like Kathryn has caught the Blue Star Disease as well. Three down.
Floaty Laterrian says something about Kathryn seeking refuge in cooking to avoid the children, while he himself enjoys being with the kids because it gives him a break from the "Caspers," it sounds like he says, but I'm sure it's something else. As Laterrian feeds kids, playing with them and encouraging them, Kathryn coldly says, "I want to see that hamburger gone, Morgan." Regular Mary Poppins, that one. It's nap time, and we get another frantic montage of the kids trying to put the children to bed. No one can set up play pens. Holly's ugly baby continues to cry and she continues to hold him. (Maybe Holly is going Scaryteeth on him.) Theo and James say "dude" one million times while trying to put the kids down for their nap. Theo half-jokes to James that they don't even have any tranquilizers. I'll bet Theo five cans of Skoal Long Cut he can't spell "tranquilizers." (I'd just like to point out that again, Msaada gets absolutely no screen time. Damn you, B/M.) James is beginning to lose it, holding one of Holly's still screaming ugly twins as Kathryn starts preparing dinner. Spaghetti is eaten and Kathryn says, "Do not make me [mumble mumble]." James says something equally inaudible. Laterrian busts into the kitchen, "Msaada. Come and show me how to change this boy's drawers." They change a kid's apparently very stinky diapers. James is holding one of the now naked ugly twins. The kid is crying so hard that his lower lip starts fluttering and shaking and he suddenly sounds like Harvey Keitel in Bad Lieutenant. He kind of looks like him, too. James barely notices at this point, he's so fried. Ha. James is really pissed off. At this point I would let Theo take my kid over James -- and that's a bold statement. It's bath time and James has one of two twins standing up by himself on the wet bathroom counter. Great idea. I hope the parents view the footage and sue B/M for child abuse. And then sue themselves for child abuse. And then sue Theo, James, and Kathryn for child abuse. "Yeah, dude, whatever, buddy. I need a break," says James to yet another crying child. Hee. In the background, a naked child crawls up the stairs, unwatched. I sort of hope one of the kids dies so that B/M has to shut its doors. (And as for the kid, they're all twins so it's not like the parents will be left childless, when you think about it.) It's now "Bedtime" and we get a four-screen shot of the ugly twins crying. They look like a pair of white Sam Cassell's. James, who is staring up at the ceiling, yells, "Good God!" Hey, B/M...I think this is where you intervene, before some child gets Rugby-kicked out the second story window. I'm just sayin'. James' meltdown finishes beautifully: he dramatically drops to the floor, and now lying still, release one last, pitiful, "Dude." And cut. Print. Genius.
This segment, we learn, is called "Ticks Me Off"; Laterrian talks to James about the Kathryn situation. He feels like a "piece of [beep]" the way she's not talking to him now. And that's it. Well, that segment was very very quick.
It's morning and the kids are waking up, having been watched through the night, I'm sure, by the real nannies just off camera. Regardless, a very sleepy James carries a kid out of his crib. Suddenly, everyone is dressed and the parents arrive one by one to pick up the brats, secretly sad that they're all still alive and they won't be able to file that suit against B/M after all. Floaty Theo says one of his patented nonsense/funny things about the kids and ant bites, but I refuse to quote him this time. The mayors pay the kids and as they get back in the Shasta, an extremely stuffed-up Laterrian says that the children were "wonderful." Yeah, but he didn't have to deal with the ugly twins, did he?
So, we're back on the road in the Shasta for a segment called, "Two Kinds Of People." Theo and James play a game where you name, well, two kinds of people. "There's two types of people in this world: people who tell the truth, and people who lie." A shot of Kathryn. Theo smiles and does another one about people who "sack up" and lie about it, and people who just "sack up." I get it. Theo is fucking with the Kathryn/Laterrian situation. When did Theo get so sneaky? And when did B/M start mislabeling segments: Theo says "types," not "kinds." Kathryn knows what they're doing but doesn't get too upset. In a non-floaty interview (wow!), Theo says that it's fine if Kathryn and Laterrian want to hook up, but he doesn't like them then lying about it to his face. At first I wonder why Theo is getting so upset about all this, but then I remember his words during the Casting Special about the races mixing. See, Theo is tricky. Because he's funny and stupid and dorky so you forget that it is covering such a bigoted core that he can't even keep it a secret on national television. Sitting in the parked Shasta with Msaada and Laterrian, Theo complains that he feels a "weight" on him, having been asked to lie about "things," when this trip for him was all about honesty. Laterrian goes on to say that Kathryn has two sides. Oh, great. Here we go. The Laterrian/T yin-yang theory of humanity. He says that Reed fulfills the nice Cornell side of Kathryn, while he fulfills the side that likes to talk about sex (I think this is his point): "...which I have for a lot of girls who do not give a fuck what I say out of my mouth as long as I keep my head bald and I work out six days a week." Msaada gives a huge smirk at this, but I react a little differently: I run around my apartment laughing hysterically until my cat throws cold water on me and tells me to chill the fuck out. Oh, poor poor Laterrian. He goes on to say that he told her early on that he wasn't going to make a move since she had a boyfriend, and that she would have to make a move if anything were to happen. Theo then asks, "Well, did she make the first move?" Laterrian gives the tiniest of nods, indicating "yes." Now, I'm sort of conflicted over this part. Theo seems to be incredibly duplicitous, knowing exactly what to say to get all the information he wants. But I cannot give him the credit for having even that much smarts. Man, I don't know. You decide. Theo lies back and calmly tells Laterrian that Kathryn has been saying that she's been feeling a lot of pressure from Laterrian. L.T. flips, and ignoring Msaada's trying to stop what's about to happen, angrily spills the beans: "She grabbed me and said, 'Do you want to go to the bathroom'" He explains that they got caught and then "she asked [him] a second time...and she knew to go to the men's bathroom because it had a lock." Theo, smiling, says, "I feel much more comfortable with you now, dude..." Theo got exactly what he wanted. Played Laterrian just like his daddy played the mouth-harp. Meanwhile, Msaada looks disgusted.
They move onto a hotel where Theo now goes after Kathryn, complaining about having to lie. "I don't want you to lie," says Kathryn. "I want everyone to mind their own business." It's all very confusing but Theo basically insinuates that he knows Kathryn was lying -- and is still lying about getting together with Laterrian. Why? Because he just conned Laterrian into admitting it. Theo talks about the chat between L.T., Reed, and Kathryn on the couch and how he had to watch everyone lying. "If you can look me in the eyes and tell me something that's not true, then, I mean, you can look me in the eyes and tell me anything that's not true." I give props to anyone who can look Theo in the eyes and do anything but laugh. "I can't respect that," he ends. Kathryn responds, "Okay, so you don't respect me." So the conversation is over and floaty Kathryn, floating over herself making a phone call in the lobby, tearfully says, "God. What am I supposed to do, you know? What else can I do?" Well, maybe not cheat on your boyfriend in the bathroom of a T.G.I.Friday's? Just a suggestion, girlie. Now the unfloaty Kathryn speaks into the pay phone. "Hi. Guess who's coming home." And...blackout. Ooh, a new, slightly evil, über-gossip side of Theo comes out. I genuinely hope this has nothing to do with the race issue. I'd much rather think Theo is just a nosy prick.
"on Road Rules." Floaty Kathryn, over random split-screen images of her and L.T. says, "Laterrian and I misbehaved, and this is something I need to deal with." Okay. She admits it. Now a four-shot of the other kids. James and Laterrian sit outside somewhere, James screaming at him about something. Now we see that actually all six of them are out there, as Kathryn asks Laterrian, "Was there any oral sex?" Laterrian replies, "My hands were at your panties." Sudden and self-appointed moral center of the cast Theo says, "Things just don't match up and that means that someone is not telling the truth." Kathryn tells the person at the other end of that phone call, "I think I'm going to be leaving the show." Hey, can you take Theo with you?
Over the credits, we're back at the child house where toddlers play in the back yard with our boys. Laterrian screams, "Max! There's too much doo-doo in his pants. God, Max!" Laterrian takes off Max's shoes and debates feeding him before changing him. James sets Laterrian straight and L.T. takes the child inside for diaper duty. Well, now we know for sure at least five people on this episode were full of shit.