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In Savannah, Tom and Jason Neville try to slip into their new identities as Edgar and Nate Crane in order to ingratiate themselves with the U.S. government. The government is not entirely run by idiots, so they immediately see through this, but Secretary Justine Allenford sees something that she can use in the wily Tom Neville.
Let's catch up with Our Lady of the Incisors, who is roaming Big Sky country with her gentleman counterpart, Cheekbones. They trade their respective reasons for wanting to kill and/or capture Monroe, and then the man himself proves he's still the smartest person on this show by brain-punching Cheekbones into unconsciousness and showing Charlie that not only have the feds put a price on Monroe's head, but they're also looking for her mother.
Speaking of. Rachel and her team of elderly Willoughby gentleman manage to rescue Miles from Titus just before he turns Miles into a withered husk. Seems Titus has a diabetic wife, Jessica, who's in renal failure, so she needs a constant flow of clean O-negative blood (since dialysis doesn't exist anymore). Miles, Rachel and Gene flee back to Willoughby with Jessica, who promptly offs herself since she's horrified at how her disgusting child-molesting husband keeps murdering people to keep her alive.
Titus and his pals attack Willoughby and it seems that Titus isn't the one in charge here, since the ugly guy we at first thought was his minion is working for the U.S. government. Just as the Titusites are massacring the people of Willoughby, the cavalry shows up to save the day. Looks like they're going to save themselves some bounty money.
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Want more? The full recap starts right below!Previously on Revolution: Aaron died. Psych! Charlie met a hot bounty hunter who didn't listen to her when she was all, MONROE IS A WILY BITCH. U.S. government lady Justine Allenford came to make nice with the refugees in Georgia, and Neville declared war on Ms. Justine. And Miles is in the creepy, creepy hands of cult leader Titus Andover.
Titus's house o' music boxes. The lady on the bed, staring at the ceiling, is Titus's wife, Jessica, he expositions. Jessica is diabetic and went into renal failure two years ago. Oh this is going to a bad place. Jessica is O negative, Titus villains, so they're going to replace her dirty blood, which her kidneys can't filter, with some nice, fresh, clean blood — specifically, Miles's blood. Ugly straps Miles down and Titus thanks him for his, uh, donation. You know, the phlebotomists are way nicer to me when I offer them a pint. Also, it's a good thing no one has given poor Jessica hepatitis yet, right? Or mad cow.
While Miles is being drained, Rachel creeps in and surprises the blood-drainer. She clubs him over the head and unhooks Miles from all the equipment. Gene is right behind her. Miles, who might be a noble idiot but at least is a strategic one, convinces them to take Jessica with them. He and Rachel go rescue Sara while Gene hauls Jessica out of her sickbed. Of course, one of Titus's guards comes back while Rachel is fiddling with the lock on Sara's cage, because that woman is just too much fucking trouble. One of the Willoughby men shoots the guard, which of course alerts Titus. Miles is all SERIOUSLY FML.
Willoughby guy shoots a few more guards before getting killed, and Miles, Rachel, and Gene all escape through a great big drainage pipe with Jessica Andover. Titus wrinkles up his nose like someone has stepped in the poo-poo.
Guys, this Honey Nut Cheerios commercial set to a Nelly song makes me feel like an australopithecine. Good Christ.
Savannah. I feel like Savannah would be a terrible place for a refugee camp. The malaria alone would devastate the place, you know? Neville comes into his tent and tells Jason they've gotten in with the patriots, so now they need to erase their former lives and slip into their cover identities. He burns a photo of Julia as he growls that they'll "bleed red, white, and blue…for your mother."
Tom and Jason serve icky-looking government rations. Jason complains, and Tom kids that he looks good in a hairnet. Jason, of course, has no idea what his father's talking about, as there is no USDA (kind of like right now, ugh) to make him not get his dandruff all up in people's food. Tom says this being good team players all part of the plan, and they need to bide their time. They walk into a tent and a man immediately clubs them both unconscious. For all the wet skull-cracking noises they have to generate week-to-week, I hope the Foley artists on this show are making bank.
Back in Willoughby, Aaron has told Cynthia about the nanites and how they are the reason he's like a Weeble, except with death. "I realize it sounds fairly stupid," he understates dryly. He impresses on her his belief that it's not a miracle, and she's all, something fixed you. Stop deriding the poor woman's threads of faith, Aaron! Aaron hollers that he's not Harry Potter! Oh, I hope children still find comfort in Harry Potter in Revolution's terrible, grubby world. I would've run around the first year of the blackout muttering, "Accio air conditioning, dammit."
"I'm an agnostic Jew from Minnesota. People don't get chosen. Especially not me," Aaron says. Dude. Jew. Chosen people. Try to make this a bit more difficult, huh? Cynthia sees what I'm getting at.
A guard on the Willoughby barricade hollers down for the townspeople to open the gate. Gene and Rachel are coming back at a gallop, with the wagon holding Miles and Jessica Andover. Those horses are all FUCK THIS WE HAD NICE LIVES BEING RIDDEN BY SIX-YEAR-OLDS BEFORE THIS AND WHY DID YOU EAT MY UNCLE IN 2024?! Miles hops out of the wagon and is delighted to see Aaron alive. Well, "delighted" might be the wrong word. Gene hollers at "Stu" that his hand needs medical attention or they might as well lop it off.
Titus's army marches on Willoughby. They all look like Michonne, but dirtier and meaner. Like Michonne if she decided to become a reaver. Riley, who has taken over as sheriff in Mason's absence, looks so thrilled to have Miles in his life, bringing all this to his door.
Titus hollers, "You have my wife!" Miles says if Titus sends any of his men in, he'll kill Jessica. "You hurt her and I'm coming in," Titus says. That appears to be a tautology, fellows. Titus demands to know that Jessica's okay, and I don't know why Riley doesn't just put a bullet between his eyebrows right now. He's not that far away.
Ugly interrupts for a chat with Titus. They hie off to ye olde abandoned school bus and Ugly reads him the riot act: "We are paying you to scare this town. Not gut them." Hmm. So Titus isn't actually in charge? "You're going to tell me what to do?" Titus says. "Who the hell are you?"
"You know who we are," Ugly replies. "The U.S. government? Please," Titus sneers. He calls them plague rats off the boat from Cuba and tells them to keep their diamonds. All he wants is Jessica alive, or else he'll slaughter Willoughby. The plot! It thickens like a finely cooked roux!
Somewhere in the Plains Nation, Charlie is using her heretofore unseen "tracking" "skills" to find Monroe. Cheekbones is oddly unmotivated as regard the pursuit of his bounty, until his true purpose comes out: he wants to prevent her from killing Monroe because the U.S. government is holding his father captive. So you'd think he'd be trying harder to find Monroe. "If you kill Monroe, it's the same as killing my father," Cheekbones gravels. I must also point out that Charlie is wearing a rather ventilated tank top, while Cheekbones is wearing a thermal undershirt. So he's one of those broad-shouldered burly men who's chilly all the time? Sure. Okay.
Gene's house. He bandages Miles's hand while Riley asks why they should be listening to "the town drunk." Rachel has Jessica in another room, and Jessica pleads not to be sent back to her husband. She explains that she thought her kidney failure would free her—understandable, since her husband is a crazy fucking child molester. Jessica cries about how Titus chained her to the bed and killed people to keep her alive. Jessica has awfully lovely skin for someone with no way of clearing the toxins from her body.
Rachel goes out in the hall where Miles is standing, his right arm in a sling. She doesn't want to give Jessica back, but since he can't fight, he says the only way to keep Willoughby—and Rachel—safe is to give her back. At the front gate, they show Jessica to Titus, and then Miles says he wants a chat.
Savannah. Jason is awake, Tom still unconscious. Jason pops up and grabs the gun from the back waistband of one of the men holding them. He cocks it and aims it at a man's face. Tom wakes up and wearily explains that they're not being mugged, they're being vetted. "Muggers don't take you to a second location for a pat-down. Oh, and by the way, your nails are too clean," Tom tells them government men. Some Generic White Guy is impressed with Tom's savvy, and says the government wants to know everything about them. Tom introduces himself as Edgar Crane, and Jason as his son, Nate. Except that Generic White Guy knows their real names. How? I have no fucking clue.
Here's Miles's idea of a negotiation: they let the people of Willoughby go, and then Titus can have both Jessica and Miles as a hostage. And all of Miles's lovely blood too.
Rachel walks into Jessica's room at Gene's house. Jessica has smashed the glass IV bottle and slashed her wrists with the shards. She looks about a fluid ounce away from bleeding out all over the floor. Rachel clutches her face and Jessica apologizes wanly. Rachel screams for Gene. Jessica dies. OR DOES SHE.
Poor Megan Hilty on that Sean Hayes show. What did that girl to deserve the last three years of her career? FREE MEGAN HILTY.
Plains Nation. Charlie is trudging along, Cheekbones behind her, staring at her ass. She quips something about how he should maybe stop staring at her ass if he likes his eyeballs where they are, and just then Monroe pops out of the underbrush and clubs Cheekbones into unconsciousness. (I really need a macro for "clubs TK into unconsciousness.") Pointing a shotgun at Charlie, Monroe says he doesn't want to hurt her, he just wants to show her something.
At Cheekbones and the Russian guy's truck, he shows her his own wanted poster. The bounty is six ounces of diamonds. There's also a wanted poster for Rachel. That beard is really working for David Lyons, rowr.
Willoughby. Titus conclaves with some of his grubbier followers. Inside the gates, Miles tells Riley and Ken, the butcher, to get all the people into wagons and they'll meet in a nearby town. Ken isn't too thrilled about leaving their homes, but Miles is all, see the murderous mob outside? Rachel runs up and tells Miles about Deadssica. He tells her to hold it together and play like Deadssica is still alive so the town doesn't panic. He's going to continue smuggling Willoughbians out of town.
Aaron loads up a wagon while Ken remarks to Rachel that the town survived the blackout, bandits, and two cholera outbreaks, but pasty Titus Andover is what ends it. Miles tells Aaron to get Cynthia in a wagon and run for it. She argues a little, but eventually acquiesces.
Savannah. Generic White Guy is wondering why he shouldn't execute Neville, since he was an enemy combatant. Was he? The U.S. government didn't actually exist. He wasn't committing treason. Why do I get the feeling Antonin Scalia watches this show and screams at his television? Neville first points out that he was less-than-pleasantly discharged from the Monroe Militia, then says he's here because he knows who dropped the bombs and killed his wife: it was Monroe, he says, and he wants revenge. He weaves an ugly little tale of his nightmare about the last moments of Julia's life. With his tears and his seriousness, he asks GWG if he thinks he's lying. GWG thinks he is, and is about to shoot Neville in the forehead when Ms. Justine interrupts.
Ms. Justine doesn't know if Neville is lying, but she'd like a man such as Neville where she can keep an eye on him. She tells GWG to let him go. Jason is looking at Ms. Justine like he wonders what kind of hot-ass babies their respective brands of multiethnic prettiness would create. Hot ones, Jason. Hot, hot babies.
Willoughby. Gene comes out of Deadssica's room with a tray full of bloody rags, and a man with a mean-looking scar on his cheek drops down from the ceiling. He creeps into Deadssica's room and pulls the sheet back from her face.
Plains. Charlie wakes Cheekbones from his stupor with a pail of cold water in the face. Monroe has a shotgun on him. She wants to know what's up with the wanted posters. He's like, uh, I'm a bounty hunter? Those are bounties? Charlie wants to chat about the Rachel poster, and Cheekbones says he only knows that some guys from Cuba came up offering to pay. He's sure plenty of other bounty hunters are also looking for the same people. He confesses that the thing about the government having his dad was bullshit.
Monroe would like to shoot Cheekbones right in the cheekbones, but Charlie still wants to take a ride on that tall hot pony, so Monroe just clubs him back into unconsciousness. (Alt + Ctrl + thud.) Keep it up and this show will have more chronic traumatic encephalopathy than the NFL. Monroe conjectures that Miles is with Rachel. So he and Charlie are going to go warn them about the bounty business. Wouldn't the government also want Miles, since he used to help run the militia?
Monroe holds up a poster and shows Charlie the eye-inside-a-triangle-inside-a-circle symbol that was on the seal Ugly sent to Justine in last week's episode. Randall had a ring with the same symbol, Monroe says, and those people are bad people. He wants to go help Team Matheson. Charlie whispers, "You're delusional," into his face and tells him he won't be able to track her when she's gone. Seriously, she is going to fuck him in like three episodes. She stalks off by herself.
Willoughby. Miles and Gene roll a couple of fifty-gallon drums up to the front gate. It's plan B, Miles says to Ken. Rachel hugs Aaron good-bye and puts him in the last wagon. Miles also wants her to go. They argue over who stays and fights and who needs to protect whom. Let's not forget Miles is down one dominant hand. Gene, who has had like forty years of Rachel's suicidal stubbornness, all but throws her in the wagon. Aaron's wagon departs. As it rolls through the front gates, Riley takes two arrows in the chest in the first salvo of an attack from Titus's men.
Aaron grabs Riley's gun. The people of Willoughby try to close the gates, but Titus's reavers rush through. Miles hollers at Ken to get the barrels.
Aaron and a few others from their wagon flee into a stable and bar the door. Except that the wall appears to be entirely made of widely set slats, so that doesn't seem too helpful. Miles lights a fuse running to those barrels. The barrels explode.
Titus finds Deadssica. He cries over her body. The people of Willoughby fight and/or flee. Inside Gene's house, Ugly pops up behind Titus and throws a bag over his head. "You should have listened to me, Titus," he says.
Miles and Rachel run. They're outnumbered by bandits, and Miles draws his sword (left-handed. Was he always left-handed? I don't think he was. But good on Billy Burke for adding another skill to his résumé). Rachel has a machete. She fights, and then a bandit shoots her in the left shoulder with a crossbow. Right above the heart. Miles tells her to hold on while he kills these, like, six people who want to murder them. Just as Miles is about to get his head taken off by a guy with an ax, and as the barn Aaron and his fellow refugees are hiding in is about to fall to the bandits, a machine gun mows down the reavers. A man in khaki, with an American flag on his arm, runs up to Miles. He says, "U.S. government, sir," when Miles asks who he is, and then hollers for a medic for Rachel.
Miles watches as khaki-clad American troops march into Willoughby. Well, they sure popped up out of nowhere quick, didn't they? How did they know which ones were the good guys? Were the orders to mow down anyone dressed like Tina Turner in Beyond Thunderdome? Miles (who must be so fucking woozy from blood loss it's amazing he's vertical) watches apprehensively as the Stars and Stripes rises on a flagpole.
week: Rachel and Miles meet the U.S. government, in the person of that guy from Ally McBeal, I think? And some people catch on fire.