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We've flashed forward to Halloween. Six weeks have passed since Padma's abduction. Very little hope remains for finding her, with no contact between the Initiative and any of our heroes. Nolan is a broken man obsessed and receiving very little help from a detective. He has his entire office littered with surveillance photographs and equations he's written to try and triangulate where she could be. It's all very sad, I guess, but it's hard to feel bad for a genius who thought it was a good idea to let the love of his life meet an SUV full of terrorists all alone with just one snooty sniper offering protection. Still, Nolan is so pathetic that Ems is really worried about him. She goes to Aiden to ask for some help recovering Padma.
The plan involves Aiden making some bad investments on Trask's behalf at Grayson Global to lure him out, and it does just that. It also causes Trask to take his business away from Daniel, and declare him some sort of terroristic chess winner. So, Daniel seeks out Emanda to resume their romance now that he feels like the Initiative will leave him alone, and Aiden seeks out Trask so he can be led to Padma. Unfortunately, the Initiative murdered Padma that morning. Aiden doesn't appreciate this and taunting about his father and Colleen. He snaps Trasks's neck. So now our Revengers have to rely entirely on Emanda's fauxmance with Daniel, and Aiden doesn't like that at all. You should've thought of that before murdering your creepy terrorist contact, 007.
One other possible avenue of ingress would be pulling on the thread of the mystery behind Victoria's first-born son. Because it's a holiday, Victoria of course is throwing a grand party -- a masquerade ball, even. Ems takes the opportunity to send an ominous RSVP that would seem to be from Victoria's illegitimate son. Ems arrives at the party on Daniel's arm and watches as Victoria is fooled into thinking she's come face-to-face with her masked son. The Queen passes out and makes a big scene. I guess that's what passes for a takedown, these days.
The masquerade ball also served as yet another publicity event to further Conrad's run for governor. It comes just on the heels of a town hall-styled meet-and-greet at the Stowaway where Conrad does a pretty awesome job of interfacing with the working man. Jack offers up his help for the event so he can have Nolan pipe in some of the audio tapes he got from Kenny into Conrad's earwig to inform him that someone is out to get him. They also plant a concerned citizen with a question about David Clarke. Conrad's so shaken up by hearing those audio tapes that he offers to champion getting a presidential pardon for David Clarke. Later at the ball, Conrad wonders about who could have been responsible for the awkwardness, and accuses Ashley. Jack overhears this and summons her to meet at the Stowaway, offering an alliance to bring down Conrad from within his campaign. She accepts because what else is she going to do -- be interesting?
Victoria's staged brush with her "son" reveals to us through flashback that -- despite her insistence to Conrad that she aborted her child -- she in fact gave him up for adoption under the condition that he could never know who she was and vice versa. Emanda tracks Victoria's guilt-ridden trip to the nun who she trusted with her child, then poses as a desperate mother-to-be herself. She's about to get some orphan answers.
-- Pablo G. is some guy who lives in Austin, Texas. He used to co-host TWoP's original "Trailers Without Pity" with his brother Omar G. Check out their webcomic Space Monkeys! and follow Pablo's writing at Pablog. Follow him @PendejoJoe on Twitter.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!We pan across Grayson Manor in the morning. The same music from that nefarious skeet shooting montage opening plays and we get the same style of montage. I don't think I will ever write "nefarious skeet shooting montage" again, but here's hoping. We cut to a close-up of Victoria's hands cutting a red ribbon on a black velvet box with scissors. She opens it to reveal two masquerade masks. She now sits at her vanity and holds one up to her face. Emanda voice-over: "All too often, we mask truth in artifice..." Fade cut to a copy of the New York Post with Conrad and Jack on the cover and the headline "Hallow-win?" sitting on a nightstand. We pan across to Aiden and Ems making out on the bed in slow motion. VO continued: "...concealing ourselves for fear of losing the ones we love..." Fade cut to Declan carving a jack-o-lantern while Jack (his brother, not the pumpkin) sets up signage for a town hall Q&A for Conrad at the Stowaway. VO: "...or prolonging a deception for those we wish to expose." Fade cut to Charlotte typing away on her laptop for her application to UC Berkeley, then picking up a plaster cast of little Carl's hand. VO: "We hide behind that which brings us comfort from pain and sadness..." Fade to Nolan in his office at Nolcorp, feverishly scribbling code with a marker onto his windows, which are littered with surveillance photos and equations. This is a pretty long montage, guys. VO: "...or use it to repel a truth too devastating to accept." Nolan was clutching a photo of Padma while he scribbled. He sets it down on his desk to another one as his phone rings.
The phone call is from a Detective Durand, whom Nolan makes it a point to just call "Durand" since he's yet to find Padma. It's been six weeks since her abduction. Oh... shit, that sucks. They're very snippy with each other because Durand questioned Nolan as a suspect initially and Nolan has been hounding him for updates ever since. Nolan is noticeably desperate and disheveled. His patience ends when Durand bizarrely thinks it's a good idea to remind him that the first 48 hours are most important in cases like this. Cutting him off, Nolan snaps, "We're 968 hours past that! Right. Got it." He hangs up. Emanda stands in the doorway, having caught the end of the conversation. There's no snarky introduction exchanged here, though. Nolan sheepishly asks how long she's been standing there, and Ems ignores the question to say, "I'm worried about you." That really says all you need to know about the situation these two find themselves in. While infiltrating the social elite, orchestrating numerous life-ruining plots and watching the death of Amily, these two have always maintained their playful bickering and impassioned ideals. Here there's nothing but sorrow, regret and pity. He shows Ems an old letter from Padma that makes him think she's out there waiting for him somewhere. He has to believe that. Nolan's obsessing here and it's freaking Ems out. She tries to calm him down, but instead he rants about his failures saving Amily and helping with Gordon Murphy last year. Ems reminds him that he saved Jack's life. That seems to snap Nolan back to reality a bit. And with perfect TV timing, Nolan gets a text from Jack at that exact moment, asking for some help. "Wow... start your revengines," Nolan deadpans. Even in complete darkness, Nolan can still shine. Emanda asks him to emerge from this cave he's created for himself and to trust her. She's going to help him find Padma.
Victoria takes a letter opener to tiny RSVP envelopes as Daniel comes in through the backdoor of the Grayson Manor kitchen nook. He immediately recognizes that his mother is going through responses for their annual Halloween masquerade ball. (They explain away the absence of this party last season with Daniel's murder trial.) Since Daniel's being obstinate about his mother's party and trying to ruin her fun, she fires back that a girl named Sloane will probably be there to see him and it's been six weeks since his reconciliation with Emanda failed. Daniel points out that the only reason for that was he was protecting her from the Initiative -- plus Victoria never approves of any woman he dates anyway. He says this as Ashley enters the room so Victoria can sneer, "With good reason," with perfect timing and delivery. Ash is there to relay some RSVPs that were sent directly to the campaign. There's one odd RSVP in particular that is postmarked 1973 and has "Expect the unexpected" written on the envelope in red, and Conrad's name crossed out with Victoria in its stead. The Queen opens it up and pulls out the card. In the name field -- also written in red -- are the words "FROM YOUR LOVING SON." He will be attending, the card says. FLASHBACK: Teenage Victoria sits in a doctor's office wearing a hospital gown. Victoria's told that she is eight weeks pregnant. The father is not in the picture and she doesn't live with her parents, she says through tears. The doctor tells Victoria that she faces a decision that will change her life. /FLASHBACK. Victoria pretends this hasn't fazed her and snips at Ashley, "It's just a season trifle, not unlike yourself."
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On a Manhattan sidewalk, Aiden and Ems walk briskly among the crowd. He asks Ems about Nolan, and she relates her worries about the state he's in. Aiden blames himself for that, but Emanda insists she should shoulder some of the blame, too. With Carrion in his possession, there's no reason for Trask to make a move, so the trail has gone cold. Emanda thinks they have one last card they can play. Aiden knows she means torpedoing the Initiative's investments at Grayson Global, but that runs the risk of losing Aiden's job and their last remaining link to the Graysons. Not entirely, though. Ems points out that she's aware Victoria has received that ominous invitation she sent. Now she just needs to make sure Victoria takes it seriously, and find a way into the ball to see her handiwork play out. Something tells me Ems will find a way into that party.
Stowaway. The bar is empty, save for Conrad, Ashley, Jack and a couple of campaign drones. The whole place is decked out in red, white and blue with mini American flags everywhere. Conrad fields potential questions from Ash. A tough one prompts him to ask if anyone at the docks will be smart enough to ask something like that. They definitely will. One of Conrad's campaign drones explains that all of the questions have been pre-submitted. Conrad spouts off an answer to the question, but Jack chimes in that nobody's going to like that he used the phrase "working class." Hear, hear. Conrad appreciates the advice, turning around to announce Jack to the room as the guy responsible for helping close the polling gap with Conrad's opponent. Ashley thinks if Conrad can knock this Q&A out of the park, his opponent won't know what hit him. She suggests to Conrad, "Tap your inner Clinton." Conrad: "I can manage that." One of the drones named Evan throws out a horrible joke: "But your inner Clinton taps nothing -- not anymore. Right, Ms. Davenport?" He leaves, to Ashley's delight. She turns to Jack and extends an invitation to the masquerade, then informs Conrad of the mysterious RSVP they received. She ventures to guess that it's a ploy from Conrad's opponent Stoddard, since the postmark year is the same year he became a community chair. Staying ahead of any political catastrophes at this Q&A, Ash has prepared an earwig for Conrad so she and Jack can keep him on top of things. "You are deceptively brilliant," Conrad praises her. Ash: "I learned from the best." After a beat, Conrad asks, "...You meant Victoria, didn't you?" Ashley heedlessly replies, "Yeah." Conrad definitely brings out what little of the best there is in Ashley in their scenes together.
At Grayson Global, Daniel flies into the boardroom fuming and shouts at Aiden, who's the only one in the room, before he's even fully in the door. He demands to know if Aiden moved all of Trask's funds somewhere else. Aiden admits it, but gives the excuse that he was taking a calculated gamble. Beside himself, Daniel talks himself through not believing Aiden is trying to destroy his company. Aiden tries to calm him down by assuming full responsibility and offering to meet with the client face-to-face to assure him it won't happen time. Just then Dan spots Trask down the hall. With fear in his voice Dan utters, "If we have a time." Daniel goes to speak with Trask. Keeping one eye on Daniel, Aiden pulls out his phone and dials Ems. He tells her their plan worked.
Venturing back out into society, Nolan seeks out Jack at the Stowaway. He wastes no time asking what Jack's up to with Conrad, wanting to know how he can get in on this unholy alliance. Jack tosses Nolan a campaign pin. Last Nolan remembered, Jack was hell-bent on fulfilling Amily's vendetta. Jack clarifies that he still is... hence, the getting close to Grayson. Nolan's brought up to speed about Jack being tasked with feeding Conrad info at the upcoming Q&A. That's where Nolan comes in. Jack pulls out his tape recorder with the audio from Nate's clandestine meetings with Conrad. He plays some of them. Nolan responds to Jack's plea for help by asking to see the earwig.
Sitting at her vanity again, Victoria turns over in her hands the RSVP she believes is from her son. Emanda appears behind her, apologizing for the intrusion. Victoria: "An intrusion is gracing my foyer unannounced. I don't think I have a word for what this is." Nice. Ems feigns apprehension in asking if her invitation to the masquerade ball might have been lost in the mail. Victoria does not feign respect and bluntly tells Emanda there was no invitation and she should move on from Daniel. Emanda has been foiled. She walks out of Victoria's powder room frustrated.
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In Daniel's office at Grayson Global, he faces off with Trask. He's told that Aiden's actions will have repercussions. Dan scrambles to appease Trask, but a decision has already been made. When Daniel tips Trask off that he knows what him and his associates are capable of (i.e. harming people), Trask corrects him that the Initiative is now in the business of helping people since the world is doing a good enough job of tearing itself apart. That's where the real money is. Dan tries one more time to keep Trask's business, but it's too late. The good news is Trask is willing to part ways like gentlemen and give Daniel the win. As soon as Trask leaves the office, Dan pulls out his phone and dials Emanda to ask her to the masquerade ball. Ems tells him Victoria was very clear about not wanting her there, which solves the mystery of where that candid photo of them having dinner and those two bullets came from. Daniel's not worried about his mother's disdain, so they agree to attend together and hang up. Emanda takes up a black rose at Casa Emily and snips the bulb from the stem.
Victoria finds a pensive Charlotte out on the Grayson Manor balcony. It's no surprise that she's still depressed over the death of the half-sister she barely knew and won't shut up about. Their mother/daughter moment gets interrupted by the maid announcing the delivery of a bouquet of black roses. Charlotte's perturbed, but Victoria accepts them like there's nothing weird about getting a dozen black roses with one of the bulbs chopped off. She reads the card, which is now in completely different handwriting from before. "I'll be wearing the twelfth rose. -- Your loving son" Victoria lies to Charlotte, saying they're a gift from what must be the worst florist ever.
Trask walks out to his car in the parking garage at Grayson Global. "Accelerate to Phase 2," he growls into this phone. Oooo... scary. I hope Phase 2 is less middling than Phase 1 has been. Trask hops into his car and immediately gets a gun pressed to the back of his head by Aiden. He suggests directions to Trask, cocks the gun and then makes it clear they're headed to see Padma. If only Trask had a Garmin... or OnStar might have saved him, as well.
The Q&A is underway at the Stowaway. Conrad -- already in mid-answer -- deftly addresses a young woman about her grandmother with Alzheimer's. He does such a good job that he leaves her in tears. Jack watches from behind the bar with a barely perceptible smirk on his face, and Nolan watches from upstairs, rolling his eyes. The question comes from the owner of a local crab shack. Jack feeds that info into Conrad's ear so he can do a bit of relating, declaring the guy's crab cakes are the best he's ever had. They're so good you won't even feel dirty saying "crab cakes." But then the man launches into an off-script question about jury tampering in the David Clarke trial. When the question ends, Nolan pipes audio into Conrad's earwig from Nate's audio recordings. Conrad is completely sideswiped. He does a disoriented 360, flailing internally for his center. Appearing to be in Conrad's corner, Jack steps in to declare he told Conrad he didn't want him answering any questions related to Amanda Clarke out of respect. But by then Conrad has recovered. He says he wants to answer the question and then launches into a guarantee that he will reopen the case if elected and fight for a presidential pardon for David Clarke if any improprieties are uncovered. Conrad's campaign team is stunned. Nolan and Jack smile to themselves.
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In the master bedroom at Grayson Manor, Victoria readies herself for the masquerade ball. Conrad enters, so she takes the opportunity to admonish him for bringing up David Clarke at his town hall Q&A. He returns the favor by calling out Victoria for hiding this whole scary RSVP thing from him. Cornered, Victoria reveals that she had a pregnancy as a teen resulting from a rape by her mother's boyfriend. FLASHBACK: Teenage Victoria runs through an alley in the rain crying. She reaches a door and asks an unseen person if they can make it all go away and no one will ever know. /FLASHBACK. Conrad asks if this card could possibly be from her son. Victoria all but says she had an abortion. To his credit, Conrad is entirely understanding and disarmed by all of this. He proclaims he will track down who's responsible for this sick joke.
Aiden leads Trask into a dark room at gunpoint. Fluorescent lights flicker on. Trask asks why Aiden cares about Padma. When the lights fully come on, Padma can be seen lying motionless on a slab. Trask taunts Aiden that she's now with her father like she wanted. They killed her this morning. Aiden demands to know why they kept her alive until now. Coyly, Trask says Aiden will find out in due time and that the police have just been alerted to their whereabouts by motion trackers in the room. Aiden says he won't shoot Trask, uncocks his gun, and then suddenly takes Trask up in a chokehold. He lets Trask know that this is for Padma, their fathers and Colleen before violently snapping his neck. Sirens can be heard in the background.
The masquerade gets its grand introductory speech from the Queen. She and Conrad stand at the head of a staircase in a dimly lit ballroom. Victoria invites their guests to enjoy a night of masked intrigue, and is sure to mention this is all courtesy of their future governor and first lady. She instructs everyone to put on their masks to let the party commence. Victoria immediately ventures downstairs to scope out if her son is anywhere to be found. She thinks she spots the black rose in a man's pocket, but she's mistaken. It's just some random guy's pocket square. While looking around, she spots Emanda, who smugly walks up to her to rub it in that she's there despite not being invited. She explains to Victoria that she's Daniel's date, advises that the Queen just pretend Emily Thorne was left at the door, puts on her mask and then walks away. That's good passive-aggression.
Ems finds a masked Nolan at the party. She thanks him for helping out Jack and taking the initiative to corner Conrad into a campaign promise in favor of David Clarke. Nolan's modest about it, but Emanda insists on thanking him in earnest. They spot the Porter brothers and Nolan goes off with Declan to get some food, leaving Ems and Jack alone to talk. They share a brief moment where Emanda asks Jack if he's OK after his ordeal today, but it gets interrupted by Daniel whisking her away. Always with the whisking away.
Elsewhere at the party, Conrad electioneers on the phone, assuring someone that David Clarke wouldn't even be a first term concern. He spots Ashley after his phone call and complains that he's spending the party having to reassure potential voters after what happened today. Ashley goes over the suspects for the setup -- Kenny, Jack or the campaign manager Evan. Conrad thinks Ashley sounds exactly like she did when she protested too much after the Mothers and Daughters United fiasco. Ash doesn't take kindly to the accusation. She challenges Conrad to fire her, then. He'll do just that after he's elected, he says before walking away. From around the corner, Jack heard this entire conversation.
Victoria continues scanning her Halloween party for her bastard son. Nothing. She's startled by a young woman who turns out to be Sloane, the girl with whom she was hoping before to set up Daniel. Sloane says she's happy to be there, but was disappointed to see him back with "the Ice Queen" on his arm. Victoria advises her that they'll probably break up within days, which causes Sloane's face to suddenly drop. "Oh, you haven't seen?" Sloane pulls out her cell phone, which already has New York Post's "Page Six" loaded. It has that candid image of Daniel and Emanda at lunch together. Victoria excuses herself to immediately seek out Daniel. She asks if he thinks this is some sort of joke, scolding him for the great peril he's put himself in. But Daniel is all grins. He knows his mother is the only one making threats. He takes her hand and puts the two bullets in it. Daniel: "Feel free to use one for each of your two faces." And take this coupon for a free Botox session.
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Aiden enters the masquerade, immediately running into Ems. She wants to know what happened. Trask is at the bottom of the East River because he killed Colleen and Padma, he says. Before Ems can even process that, Nolan walks up to them. Emanda says they should go outside to talk. Nolan instantly recognizes what has happened. He goes from festive Nolan to complete wreck in microseconds, ripping off his mask and storming out of the party while stripping off his suit coat and crying. Ems runs after him and meets his rage. He blames himself. He blames Ems. Nolan breaks down, tears streaming down his face, and it's enough to disarm Ems. She takes Nolan in an embrace, but he encourages her to go back to the party because it's what needs to be done. Emanda: "I'm not leaving you alone, Nolan." Nolan: "I love you, too." Me = Destroyed. He promises he'll be OK. He just has to deal with this on his own. Nolan exits, leaving Ems to put her stone face back on and re-enter the party.
Upstairs, two random teenage partygoers are unimpressed with the masquerade ball. The girl tells the guy that she wishes it had been a full costume party and the guy -- being the best guy/boyfriend in the world -- tells her she would've still found a way to slut it up. Go, random guy! Girl says she may have been inclined to show up as Amanda Clarke just to stir things up, which would've been sufficiently slutty. Her words, not mine. Charlotte happens upon this conversation and gets some of the nastiness directed at her. The girl calls her "Harlot" (why didn't I think of that? Teenagers are brilliant these days), and asks if Amily's baby only survived because of all the booze and drugs in her system. Charlotte socks the girl in the face. Declan comes swooping in before a full-on fight can break out, ordering the two guests to leave. Charlotte is shell-shocked by what they were saying. Dec hugs her. Wow, thank you random teenage partygoers for bringing more cruelty in one minute than this show has been able to muster all season.
Ems rejoins Aiden, who is not surprised that Nolan would order her back into the fray despite his emotional state. He asks if Emanda's ready for what they must do. She will be. As they walk, Aiden asks about her reconciliation with Daniel. It was just her way into the party, she says, but Aiden begs to differ. He saw the picture on "Page Six." He gives credit to Dan for knowing that going public means no turning back. They run into Daniel shortly after, so Aiden excuses himself, leaving the It couple to have a dance.
Victoria watches them from upstairs. Jack goes up to her and tries to offer up some thanks for the invitation and polite conversation about Conrad doing a good job at the town hall event. Victoria's more preoccupied with Charlotte having just made a scene, probably owing to that blue collar influence, she says. She also doesn't see how Conrad's endorsement of David Clarke was a good thing. Victoria: "That would be a victory for your late wife." Jack absorbs this affront for a second and removes his mask. "There's no victory for Amanda. She's gone. That's why my child's being raised without a mother," Jack fires at Victoria, walking away. FLASHBACK: Teenage Victoria is told by an off-screen voice that the decision she makes is permanent. /FLASHBACK. Victoria stares off into space and realizes a man stands in her field of vision motionless, wearing the black rose. Mozart's "Requiem Mass" begins playing to signal to us this is a big deal. The man turns and walks way, with Victoria giving chase, but she loses him in the crowd. She thinks she catches him, but when she turns him around, it's actually Aiden instead. All this excitement of a few feet of fast walking causes Victoria to faint. Emanda watches from a distance and smiles to herself.
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The morning, Victoria walks in on an unexpected campaign meeting in the parlor at Grayson Manor. Conrad's finishing up hearing about slight bumps he got in polls after the town hall. They break the meeting and Conrad takes a seat across from his wife. He wants to know how she ended up on the ballroom floor last night. She chalks it up to being upset over Daniel being in danger, Charlotte throwing punches and reliving the past of her horrible teenage pregnancy. Conrad's not buying it. He thinks she's lying about the abortion. Victoria will give him proof, but at the cost of him never bringing this up again.
At the safe haven house, Ems walks in on Aiden getting dressed. He didn't wait up for her because he figured she was either with Nolan or Daniel. She says she was talking with Nolan and he made it through the night fine. She's still getting a bad vibe from Aiden. Is he throwing a jealousy fit again? Aiden: "I'm not jealous, Emily. I'm disgusted." Like it or not, they're going to have to deal with Daniel, Ems says. More importantly, they need to get to the Falcon before Daniel does because then Aiden's past could easily be exposed. Ems' phone goes off with a notification. She's tracking Victoria's cell phone signal, and sees that they need to head into the city. Aiden's fine with that, but he asserts that they will be doing it separately. Ugh... this again.
Jack plays with Carl at the Stowaway while Ashley walks in. She was summoned by Jack. He brings up the conversation he overheard last night at the party and cuts through Ash's PR facade. Jack reveals he knows through Charlotte all the ways they've mistreated Ashley. He says he knows that they're both in this for the same reason -- to get what they can from Conrad before bringing him down. Ash is shocked to find out Jack was responsible for planting the David Clarke question at the town hall, but it makes sense to her after hearing how passionate Jack is about what happened to Amily. Ashley clears the air that she wasn't involved with what happened to Ams. Jack: "You wouldn't be standing here if you were." They agree to an alliance.
Nolan steps into his office, takes one look at all of work he did in searching for Padma that decorates the walls and sweeps everything off of his desk in one angry motion. He crumples to the floor. Detective Durand enters the room behind him. He's astonished to see all of the papers, because Nolan claimed to know nothing when they first spoke. This combined with the fact Nolan's whereabouts at the time of Padma's death yesterday are in question paint him as a suspect. Never mind that Nolan is sobbing on the floor right now, he compiled all of this research after first contact with the police and Nolan obviously was obsessing when he supposedly was calling the detective constantly for updates. Durand grills Nolan on where he went after leaving the office yesterday. Nolan looks down and sees the Conrad Grayson pin on the floor that he got from Jack. Remembering he has some powerful people at his disposal, he tells the detective he's not answering anything.
Victoria walks down the same alleyway from her flashback, and knocks on the door. We see now that it's the door to a convent. Victoria thanks the sister for seeing her. FLASHBACK: Teenage Victoria sits out in the courtyard of the convent holding her baby boy while being told by a nun that her vow cannot be taken back. They will find her son a good home and never tell him who his mother was, and they will never tell her what becomes of him. /FLASHBACK. In the present day, Victoria and the nun sit in the same spot. The promises were all kept, the sister say, even when Victoria's son came looking for her a few years back. Victoria thanks the nun and leaves. Another woman wearing a hoodie takes a seat to the nun. She's asked how she can be helped. The woman turns and we see that it's Emanda. "Sister, I need your help. I'm pregnant, and I have nowhere else to go." Yawn.
Pablo G. is some guy who lives in Austin, Texas. He used to co-host TWoP's original "Trailers Without Pity" with his brother Omar G. Check out their webcomic Space Monkeys! and follow Pablo's writing at Pablog. Follow him @PendejoJoe on Twitter.
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