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Conrad and Victoria have been together for a quarter century. That's a lot of time to be putting on social gatherings and destroying weaker socialites. To mark this momentous occasion, the Graysons are all being interviewed for a feature in the local paper. This causes a lot of tension for all involved. Victoria is sick of projecting a perfect existence after everything that's happened and Daniel is annoyed when Tyler disrespects Emanda's wish to not be named in his profile. Charlotte is provoked to rebel when Victoria tells her she can't invite Dec to the special anniversary family dinner. All of this comes to a head at the dinner table. Declan outs Emanda for visiting Jack at the Stowaway where she was trying to smooth things over after leaving Jack with his heart hanging out, and Dec storms out of the dinner when he realizes his and Jack's kind is not welcome. Daniel also storms out because he thinks Emanda has been seeing Jack behind his back, Charlotte chases after Dec, and Ashley leaves because Tyler stood her up. Victoria and Conrad are left alone at the table. It's a dinner disaster!
Tyler didn't make it to the dinner because Emanda gave Nolan the task of personally taking him down. And he does exactly that. Some digging turns up that Tyler has recently had all his bills paid for by a man who now has a restraining order against him. Nolan threatens to reveal Tyler's past if he doesn't completely come clean, which he does. It turns out his family is broke and he is trying to worm his way into an entry-level job at Grayson Global. Tyler, backed into a corner, offers his services to Nolan. That ridiculously brief jump cut of a move Tyler put on Daniel last episode was not imagined. TPTB treat Nolan and Tyler's respective sexualities with ambiguity, but that doesn't stop them from totally getting it on (!) in an agreement to keep Tyler's past secret. Ugh, Nolan, you can do so much better; Tyler is decidedly not the only bi-curious guy in the Hamptons! Nolan manages to video record the sexing and will presumably save it for a rainy day when Tyler chooses to be a nuisance again.
Meanwhile, Frank has been continuing his quest to prove someone else is responsible for the events that led to his downfall. He tracks down the juvenile detention center where Emanda was incarcerated and eventually breaks in to discover the case file for Emily Thorne. It leads him to a strip club where the real Emily Thorne is dancing under the alias "Amanda Clarke." He bribes her for information and learns about the name switch and also informs her of Emanda's current life, of which Stripper Emily had lost track. When Frank calls Victoria to tell her the wacky news, he's whacked to death with a tire iron by Stripper Emily before he can make the big reveal. She shows up at Emanda's door and tells her about what Frank found out before she took care of him.
On the love front, Emanda has to declare love for Daniel to keep him from drifting after he finds out about her sneaky dealings with Jack. Crisis is averted in sham revenge relationship land and Jack is left to wallow by himself at the Stowaway. Charlotte chases after Dec when he storms out of the dinner party and insists that she genuinely likes him for him and doesn't care what anyone else thinks. They continue to get closer. Tyler admits his conniving plans and actual low station in life to Ashley and they seem to form an alliance against all the rich people. Victoria throws Conrad out after the dinner. He goes to stay by Lydia's hospital bedside until she wakes from her coma. Her brain doesn't appear to be mush. Revenge plots are never easy.
-- Pablo G. is some guy who lives in San Antonio, Texas. He co-hosts TWoP's original "Trailers Without Pity" with his brother Omar G. Check him out at Unp0ssible and Pablog and follow him @PendejoJoe on Twitter.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!We open on the blurry face of Queen Victoria. Emanda voice-over: "As Hamlet said to Ophelia, 'God has given you one face and you make yourself another.' The battle between these two halves of identity -- who we are, who we pretend to be is unwinable." Victoria is blurry because her and Conrad are being photographed for a high-profile feature story in the local newspaper about their 25 years of marriage. The reporter covering the story sits across from them in their parlor and asks what has gotten them through all these years. Conrad reaches for an answer and surprises himself with, "Love and respect," and goes on to BS her about going through things that bond you as a couple. The follow up question is: "What is the one thing that has bonded you forever?" Victoria looks like she wants to blurt out, "The framing and destroying of an innocent man!" but instead cites the birth of Daniel... oh, and that Charlotte girl, too. Queen Victoria has had enough of this charade (hey, that's the name of this episode!) and calls out to Ashley to take the reporter on a tour of the grounds so Victoria can escape the insanity. Conrad follows Victoria up to her balcony where she's fuming and sick to her stomach about being presented as the perfect Hampton's couple while Lydia lies in a coma and they have no idea where Frank is or what he's doing. Conrad's not worried because Frank has cashed his severance check, and for all they know that means he's no longer a concern. Lydia is also under surveillance so they'll know if she wakes from her coma. The 25-year mark is usually when you have to start worrying about comas anyway, so I don't see the big deal here.
Emanda drives her smooth Lexus convertible over to Nolan's bachelor pad. She's surprised to be greeted by a rather large man at the door who asks for some identification. Nolan enters to call off his new body guard. "It's okay, Big Ed!" Ha! Emanda questions Nolan's choice of hiring help, but she didn't almost have her kneecaps blown off by Frank, did she? Oddly, she's there to remind Nolan of his debt to her father since the altercation with Frank spooked him enough to renounce his involvement in her plans. Is it possible she actually needs Nolan? He agrees to step back into a consultant role. Emanda begins to ask for some hacking of a hospital's records, but Nolan interrupts with an update on Lydia's condition and asks who the target is. Daniel? Emanda very clearly states Dan is not a target and Nolan should already know that. Interesting. Mention of Daniel brings out the sleaze in Nolan. He reminds Emanda that she could always just drop all of this revenge business and go be with Jack, but perhaps she's actually falling in love with Daniel. Emanda's not amused. "You're just a consultant, remember?" she deadpans before walking out.
Reporter Melissa Andetson (I did not miss the "R" on the keyboard) has Victoria and Charlotte sitting with her for tea and interview questions. Tyler enters to interrupt Charlotte's passive aggressive mentions of preferred treatment for Daniel, and explains Dan's absence with a lie about him doing charity work down at the docks. Victoria appreciates Tyler's quick thinking and invites him to their anniversary dinner, which will be an intimate gathering of friends and family. Tyler uses this opportunity to invite Ashley, who is sitting adjacent to the interview fiddling with her table, as his date. It's a wonderful idea in Victoria's estimation. Charlotte pipes up to ask if she can bring a date, too, but Victoria stares her down while reminding her that she's no longer with Adam and should "stick to tradition." That's Hamptons code for, "Don't bring that dock rat."
Pool House of Clothes Changing. Daniel swoops in to change into something presentable for his interview with Melissa. Tyler's there acting timid and hoping Daniel will notice his gash on his head and blame himself. Success! Poor Daniel... it's his immediate assumption he's the one who hurt Tyler. He was so drugged, though, that he can't remember why he would possibly do that. Tyler blames his mentioning of Emanda just as she walks in and hears her fake name being thrown around. The couple asks for some privacy from Tyler, who slyly places a call to himself on Daniel's phone which is sitting on the nightstand before pretending to answer a call from his mother on his own phone and walking out. He overhears Emanda declining an invitation to participate in Dan's interview and asking him not to mention her at all. The slimy gears in Tyler's head start turning.
Emanda comes home to find her front door wide open. She instinctively goes straight for the gun in her desk drawer, but it's gone. "You looking for this?" Frank calls out from the living room, holding up the gun. Emanda threatens to the call the police and Frank pulls out his phone to offer it to her, calling her bluff. He figures she doesn't want the police snooping around since he's uncovered she has a criminal past. He has a file folder that places her doing time at a juvenile correctional facility for assault with a deadly weapon. Emanda's beaten. She asks how much money Frank wants, but Frank isn't the type to be bought off -- otherwise, he wouldn't still be investigating and he'd be stoically living it up on some beach with Conrad's severance pay. He tells Emanda he's going to find out what her story is and walks out. She rushes over to the rug at the center of the room and lifts it up to reveal a secret compartment in the floorboards. Inside is the infinity X infinity wooden box. Emanda opens it up and begins dialing on her phone. Cut to a Warden Sharon Stiles sitting at her desk. Her assistant buzzes her to let her know she has Amanda Clarke waiting on the line. Stiles answers by saying she hoped she'd never have to take this call. Emanda: "And I was hoping I'd never have to make it, but I have a feeling I'm going to need your help... again."
Desperate 3-D title card and commercials
It's time for Daniel's interview with Ms. Andetson. He continues his campaign to be the most humble, rich semi-douche ever by saying he's actually enjoying his work as a bartender and has a lot of respect for the Stowaway. Melissa brings up Dan's partying days which were as recent as last summer. It makes him a little uncomfortable, but he says he's changed his ways just in time for... and he stops short of naming Emanda. Melissa's no fool and she knows Daniel is being sheepish about a girl. She tries to get a name, but Daniel insists he wants to respect his girlfriend's privacy before concluding the interview and leaving. Tyler enters the room and casually drops "Emily" into a sentence about Daniel, knowing Melissa would want more info. She asks who Emily is, and Tyler coyly replies, "Off the record?"
Out at the docks, Charlotte walks up to Declan who is shucking oysters. She's just come from some retail therapy to work through her mom's earlier manipulation and has a few shopping bags with her. She hands one of the bags to Dec and invites him to the anniversary dinner. Dec gives the bag back and says he'll be there, but he can dress himself. It's funny when teenage rebellion involves inviting your boyfriend to a formal family dinner.
Inside Poor Porter Bar, Jack asks Nolan, who is sitting at the counter, why he needs a bodyguard. Nolan replies, "Two words: net worth." question -- why did Nolan push Jack toward Emanda when he knew she was involved with someone? Nolan's caught a bit off guard, but he insists he still doesn't believe she's really into Daniel. Jack tells Nolan he thinks he should find somewhere else to start hanging out. Just when you think these two are going to get it together...
Melissa shows up at Casa Emily, sniffing for a story. Emanda tries to confirm it was Tyler who ratted her out, but the reporter protects her sources. Clearly annoyed to us, but always able to put on a fake smile, Emanda cheerfully invites Melissa in to have a seat.
Lydia's breathing through a tube unconscious in her hospital bed. Victoria sits bedside and reaches out to hold her hand. According to the nurse, the prognosis is kind of optimistic. Her vitals are strong, the fractures are healing on schedule and she could regain consciousness when the swelling subsides. Frank appears behind the nurse and Victoria immediately orders her to go get a security guard. Frank continues to try and reassure Victoria that she shouldn't be afraid of him. The guard arrives and Victoria asks to have Frank escorted out. Frank promises he's going to redeem himself to Victoria or die trying.
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Frank has made his way to the juvenile correctional facility and is standing in front of Warden Sharon Stiles' desk. He asks if he can cross-reference his info with theirs regarding Emily Thorne's violence toward her foster father, which the warden says was proven to be in self-defense long after the fact. The warden is willing to oblige... if Frank has a court order. Instead, she cheerfully offers to take him on a tour of their new library which was built on a donation from Ms. Emily Thorne.
Poor Porter Bar. Dec walks in holding up a copy of the newspaper, excited to show Jack the Stowaway was mentioned as part of Daniels's profile. Dec reads the part about the Stowaway aloud proudly. Jack asks what else was in there and Dec's enthusiasm suddenly disappears. He says there's nothing else before trashing the paper and leaving. Jack pulls the paper out of the trash and sees a big photo of Emanda and Daniel together.
Speaking of the happy couple, they're having a romantic swim/frolic in the ocean. They run into Tyler on their way back to the pool house at Grayson Manor. Tyler has a pair of framed copies of the article in the paper about them. He tries to pass it off as a peace offering, but Emanda makes sure to bring to light the fact the article wouldn't have even been possible if somebody hadn't revealed her to the reporter. Emanda excuses herself to take a phone call. Daniel has had enough of Tyler claiming to mean well, but obviously not respecting what Dan has going with Emanda. He tells Tyler that maybe he shouldn't be around if that's how things are going to be.
The phone call Emanda answered was from Warden Stiles. Emanda asks if Frank has been taken care of. Sharon seems to think he's only been deterred temporarily. She reprimands Emanda for forgetting the first thing she taught her -- "Never underestimate your enemy... and never let your guard down." Emanda thanks Ms. Stiles and assures her it will never happen again.
Conrad finds Victoria reading their newspaper article in the kitchen at Grayson Manor. He asks how she likes it. Victoria reads aloud the most fluffy profile of a couple ever and says she'd like it way more if their relationship actually bore a resemblance to the one described. The conversation turns to Lydia and the fact Victoria has elected to pay her hospital bills. Conrad doesn't understand the gesture. It's because Victoria has realized she and Lydia aren't much different and fell for Conrad under similar circumstances. He's a bit offended at the implication he cons women into falling in love with him and reminds Victoria with conviction as he exits the room that he's never loved anyone the way he loves her. FLASHBACK: Victoria makes one of her patented late night walks to David Clarke's house. She's intercepted by Frank who tells her she's made her choice and David will be taken into custody tomorrow night. /FLASHBACK. Victoria weeps quietly.
Emanda comes home from a run to find Nolan snooping outside her house. He and Big Ed are checking out her place for possible security flaws because Nolan thinks she should let Ed install a high-tech security system for her. Ed says they also do panic rooms. Emanda replies coldly, "I don't panic." Nolan brings up his surprise at Emanda's involvement in the Grayson profile, which she immediately blames on Tyler, and he mentions his annoyance at losing Jack's friendship because of her. Emanda doesn't really care. All she cares about is finding something to discredit Tyler with the Graysons. Is Nolan up to the task? His face softens like a delighted child. "My first solo takedown? I'm on it." Nolan gleefully leaves with Big Ed.
The Stowaway is filled with socialites. Jack hands out mojitos and cosmos left and right when Emanda walks in to ask if they can talk in private. She takes notice of the big change in clientele for the bar. Jack attributes it to the mention in the newspaper article and sarcastically thanks the absent Daniel Grayson -- then retracts the sarcasm since he can't hate how good business has been. The two dance a bit around the awkwardness after the other night, until Emanda gifts Jack an old mariner's compass as thanks for fixing her porch swing. She starts to bring up Jack's feelings, but he just wants to forget it and move on because he's embarrassed. Emanda tells him he shouldn't be embarrassed and asks if they can be friends. Jack accepts his place in the friend zone.
It's a bright sunny day out, so Ashley and Tyler are taking a stroll together through town holding hands. Tyler decides to wait outside while Ash steps into a shop to look at shoes. Nolan appears with a big smile on his face. Instantly annoyed, Tyler asks Nolan to leave because Ashley doesn't particularly like him. Nolan suggests she get a restraining order, something Tyler knows all about. Or wait... it's Tyler who had a restraining order placed on him, Nolan corrects himself. Tyler asks what Nolan wants. He wants Tyler to meet him this evening at his place. Tyler declines, but Nolan insists that Tyler will be there and he will be prompt.
Later that night, Frank breaks into Warden Stiles' office after hours. He goes through a file cabinet until he finds Emily Thorne's file. There's a mug shot in there of a girl who looks nothing like Emanda. Frank pulls out his phone and snaps a photograph of the mug shot. That's a bit redundant. Just steal the picture, Frank.
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Grayson Manor. It's anniversary dinner time! Emanda arrives with Daniel and presents Victoria a framed copy of the Graysons' original wedding invitation. Declan appears behind Victoria and surprises her with a bottle of wine. Like... literally surprises her since she wasn't expecting a greasy teenager to show up at her dinner party. Daniel suggests Declan can have Tyler's place at the dinner table since he hasn't shown up yet, which Ashley protests, but Dan insists they can get through the first course without Ty. Declan, in all seriousness, backs the idea because he thinks Victoria doesn't want the food she's slaved over in the kitchen all day to get cold. Uh... spit take? Victoria stares at Declan with a look on her face that says, "I'm not sure whether I should laugh at this kid, feel sorry for his idiocy or destroy him," before choosing to believe Dec is "funny."
At Nolan's Fortress of Solitude, Tyler is trying to find out what Nolan knows and wants, but Nolan is taking his sweet time and savoring the moment of power. Finally, he reveals that he's aware all of Tyler's bills last summer were paid by one Leslie Montgomery... and that Leslie is a man. Nolan asks what a gay hustler is doing posing as a Harvard student. Tyler isn't willing to admit the gay part, but he won't dispute the hustler accusation. Nolan: "Ah. Ambiguous sexual identity. I get it. I'm about a... three on the Kinsey scale myself." Snerk. So, none of this explains what Ty's doing with Daniel. Defeated, Tyler explains his family has recently lost everything and he is now their only hope to rebuild their empire. Tyler hopes to do this by getting his foot in the door for an entry-level position at Grayson Global. Nolan assumes that sliver of hope disappears if Conrad catches wind of Ty's past. Well... probably. Tyler gets up from his seat across from Nolan and sits down right to him on his couch, suggesting that maybe Nolan is a bit lonely. Ty asks to make a deal, leans in and we cut away just as his lips are about to touch Nolan's. Way to chicken out, TPTB.
Ashley is fretting over Tyler being late. She offers to leave since it was Tyler who was actually invited, but Victoria says that's nonsense. Once seated, Emanda compliments Victoria on the things that were said about her marriage in the article. It's all embellishment, Victoria says before turning attention to the article's profiling of Emanda and Daniel. Emanda claims to have not read it. Dec makes a snide remark about Jack not being able to read the article either. Burn.
Frank enters a strip club as a sexy cop walks out onto the center stage. He settles into a seat facing the cop dancer and pulls out the photo he snapped of Emily Thorne's mug shot. We get a closer look at the dancer's face and it seems pretty close to the girl in the picture. We're about to get some answers, dammit!
Back at dinner, Ashley tries to break some of the tension by raising a toast to Emanda and Daniel who she thinks are the William and Kate of the Hamptons. What a weird compliment. Conrad jokes that the Prince wouldn't be caught dead working in a dive bar. Dec speaks up that it's not a dive bar and that even Emanda was just recently there to see Jack. Daniel is surprised by that asks what that's all about. Emanda says she was just there to thank Jack for fixing the swing and it was nothing. Dec isn't done speaking his mind. He adds that Jack put himself out there for Emanda for more than nothing. Dec excuses himself because he now sees the way people of his class are treated. Daniel excuses himself because he thinks he was just told his girlfriend is cheating. Charlotte goes after Dec, but not before thanking her mother for meddling, and Ashley decides to look for Tyler. Everyone has gotten up and left the table except for Mr. and Mrs. Grayson, who are left to just stare at each other. Shouldn't an anniversary dinner only involve the couple anyway?
Frank has set himself up for a lap dance from Stripper Cop. He interrupts to say he just wants to pay her to talk. We get the standard stripper/hooker joke about Frank being one of those. He asks to learn a little bit about Amanda Clarke, and the stripper acts like this isn't the first time someone's been around asking questions. He gives her a wad of cash and says, "Your name's not really Amanda Clarke, is it? It's Emily Thorne." Her eyes go wide.
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Back at Grayson Manor, Emanda is trying to calm Daniel down about Jack. He brings up his promise to always be honest with Emanda. It's time for her to pull out all the stops or she might lose Daniel and a big part of her plan. She says in an uncharacteristically unconvincing way that she's scared because she thinks she's falling in love with him. Daniel's dumbfounded. He says he needs to go take a walk.
Upstairs, Victoria yells at Conrad for allowing their litany of lies to engulf their children as well. Conrad says he's not the one who has treated their marriage like an arrangement. He's taken notice over the years that Victoria has never once looked at him the way she used to look at David Clarke, and he should count himself lucky after what happened to him. Super duper burn. Queen Victoria has had enough. She screams for Conrad to get out.
Poor Porter Bar. Dec has to navigate his way through annoying socialites to reach his own bar counter. When he finally gets to Jack he starts complaining about hating those people and never wanting to go back. Jack imparts some wisdom about not really knowing how someone feels about you until they tell you their self. Dec won't have to wait long to find out from Charlotte how she feels because she's standing right behind him.
Strip club. Frank has pretty much figured out the real Emily Thorne's story and is reciting it back to her. She switched names with her juvie cell mate and was paid off, but the money ran out and now she's a stripper. Stripper Emily asks where Emanda is now. Frank pulls out the newspaper article with Emanda and Daniel's photo and explains that she's rich and dating his former employer's son who is also rich. Emily asks if anyone else knows about any of this. "Not yet," says Frank. Emily asks Frank to meet her out in the parking lot after her shift is over.
At Grayson Manor, Victoria watches from the head of the stairs as Conrad leaves with packed bags. Later, Daniel brings Victoria a drink he fixed her out on her balcony, which prompts a joke from the ice queen that his bartending can come in handy this one time. Then, there's a very real heart-to-heart between mother and son. Daniel admits to his mom that he just can't stop thinking about Emanda and asks why she doesn't like her. Victoria just doesn't want to see him get hurt and advises her son that allowing yourself to fall for someone comes with a price. Daniel takes the wisdom to heart and accidentally shares a bit of his own. He's learned you can't choose who you fall in love with. He hugs his mother and tells her he loves her. All of this is genuinely tender. Daniel leaves his mother to continue her vigil on the balcony. FLASHBACK: Frank and Conrad grill Victoria on her testimonial against David. Conrad invokes Daniel as something she could lose if she isn't completely transparent and detached from David. She's able to satisfactorily give cold testimony. /FLASHBACK. Victoria's startled by her phone. It's Frank walking through the strip club parking lot. "Your suspicions were right all along," he tells Victoria, "Emily Thorne is not who you --" THUNK! Stripper Emily whacks Frank on the back of the head with a tire iron. She picks up his phone and hangs up on Victoria while he lies face down on the pavement. Stripper Emily finishes the job with a blow to Frank's head. This is what happens when you decline an invitation to the champagne room.
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Outside Grayson Manor. Tyler shows up with a single rose to apologize to Ashley. She's angry about missing her opportunity to be a player in this social scene instead of someone behind the scenes, something she thinks Tyler wouldn't understand and SERIOUSLY -- ONE ROSE?! Ty takes this opportunity to admit his family is bankrupt. This opening up and honesty still doesn't explain where Tyler was all night. He pulls out a USB flash drive and says he was just at Conrad's office downloading his confidential database. Ty expects that within a year Conrad won't make any decisions without consulting him first. Ashley likes the cut of his ambitious jib.
Dec and Charlotte sit on Declan's bed. He asks Charlotte to admit his invitation tonight was about trying to piss off Victoria. Char says that while that may have been part of it, he just needs to accept that she likes him. Charlotte thinks Declan is probably the first person to ever be completely honest under the roof of her house. She thought his honesty was hot. They make out.
On the Jack-repaired bench swing, Emanda's on the phone with Nolan and is curious to know how he managed to keep Tyler away from dinner tonight. She's impressed even. We see that Nolan is lounging on his bed in a half open silk robe with his laptop. He sounds so pleased with himself as he tells Emanda that Tyler's a bit of a con man, but he shouldn't expect to con another con man. Nolan plays back a spy video he recorded of Tyler climbing on top of him and stripping pre-sex. Emanda says to just keep doing what he's doing, which Nolan will be pleased to do. They hang up just as Daniel joins Emanda on the bench. He brings up the way they first met and says he kept that jacket dirty as a reminder that he should always be ready for where the unexpected will take him. He says he's ready and he's falling in love with her, too. They kiss and we pan down to Emanda's hand which caresses the arm rest of the bench Jack repaired as we hear her voice-over: "Just as there are two sides to every story. There are two sides to every person." Meanwhile, Jack thoughtfully opens his mariner's compass Emanda gifted him. VO continued: "One that we reveal to the world and another we keep hidden inside. A duality governed between the balance of light and darkness." Lydia awakens from her coma with Conrad sitting bedside. She's lucid and at the very least remembers Conrad. Cut to Emanda and Daniel spooning in her bed. Like usual, Dan is sound asleep and Emanda is wide awake. VO continued: "Within each of us is the capacity for both good and evil. But those who are able to blur the moral dividing line hold the true power." There's a knock at Emanda's front door. It's Stripper Emily. She hugs Emanda. FLASHBACK: Teenage Amanda enters her cell for the first time at the juvenile detention facility. Emily is waiting to meet her new roommate and acts all tough and tries to beat up Amanda. Amanda head-butts her and kicks her ass, pinning her to the floor. Amanda asks Emily what her name is while she has her in a choke hold. /FLASHBACK. Stripper Emily explains that Frank had come around asking questions, but she took care of him. She adds that Victoria has been calling his phone all night. Emanda takes the phone and removes the battery. We cut to Victoria on her balcony leaving a worried voicemail, "Frank, it's Victoria...What do you mean Emily Thorne is not who she claims to be?" as we zoom out from Frank's body lying on the side of the road in some brush.
-- Pablo G. is some guy who lives in San Antonio, Texas. He co-hosts TWoP's original "Trailers Without Pity" with his brother Omar G. Check him out at Unp0ssible and Pablog and follow him @PendejoJoe on Twitter.