Wow. More than a few people have mentioned that last week's episode was so slow-moving, they forgot a great deal of what happened. Well, once I wrote the recap, the same thing must have happened to me, because nothing's looking all that familiar in the summary of last week's episode. Oh, no. Wait. I forgot about the Satanist lops off finger part. No, you see, that memory does still reside in my brain; I've just been repressing it, thank you. The sad part is that the reason I'm suppressing it is not because it's so scary. It's really not. No, it's just that when we originally watched the first episode, Peeter pointed out that Isaiah's chopped-off finger kind of reminded him of one of those nasty canned Vienna sausages. Gross.
It looks like the opening scene of this week's episode consists of my husband vacuuming the dining room. Yeah, I guess that's what happens when you shoot your television program so dark that all the average person sees on the screen is a damn reflection of her own apartment. Oh, I can also make out a super that says, "Miami Memorial Hospital." It's up to you, gentle reader, to figure out what happened in this brief scene. Go ahead, be creative. We're all bound to do a better job than whatever really happened anyway.
Just as last week, we get scenes of Professor Lampley lecturing to his students about good and evil. He calls the forces that shape the Earth "positive and negative," but I suspect we're really supposed to be thinking of good and evil. It is a little more subtle, though, than the usual boot to the head with which the series treats the good-versus-evil topic.
At least we finally find out what was happening at the beginning. Sister Josepha and Dr. Richard are in an ambulance with ComaGirl. Richard wants to bring ComaGirl to a hospital, but Josepha says that is they first place "they" will look. And, of course, "if they find [ComaGirl], her life is over."
At first I thought they meant the doctors at the Miami hospital, but in the scene, we learn that a judge sympathetic to Sister Josepha's cause has signed an order allowing the Eklind Foundation to step in and spirit away ComaGirl. That's right -- no destination specified. I'll bet that's common legal practice. Then again, last week Dr. Richard sat in on ComaGirl's medical review, and he's an astrophysicist, for God's sake. And I hear they let the janitors perform delicate microsurgery occasionally. But don't tell the hospital's board of directors. They might feel compelled to put a stop to all these stupid plot devices. Like this one: not even the hospital administrator knows where ComaGirl is now. At least that's what he tells a really pissed-off guy who's come to investigate. I'm not sure who the surly fellow is. If we've seen him before, it obviously wasn't a memorable occasion for me, and I can't check last week's tape because having to record Revelations made it so sick that I had to give it a mercy killing right after I finished my recap.
Incidentally, ComaGirl is at the Sisters of Mercy Convent in Oak Bluff, Pennsylvania. But you didn't actually care whether you knew that or not, did you? Fair enough.
Evidently, Professor Lampley is in a frisky mood today. His description of Earth as a battleground for good and evil is an interesting one, but I'm not sure how his students feel about these little side trips. I mean, he is supposed to be lecturing about astrophysics, isn't he? If he must go off topic, does he take requests? I'd love to hear a lecture on Aquaman week. But then, I long for the day when universities will offer Aquamanology as a major program and include a course that teaches you how to communicate with giant sea cucumbers.
Those are lovely opening credits. They're so swirly and pretty and sparkly! What a nice contrast to how dim and gloomy the rest of the show has been so far.
And it's still gloomy, as various nuns from Josepha's BatConvent escort her and Richard inside and out of the rain. Sister Josepha mentions how grateful she is for Richard's help in transporting ComaGirl to Pennsylvania. Well, I should think so! That's quite the drive from Florida. And as I recall from when I messed up my elbow in Texas, the EMT told me that you should always try to ride to the hospital in your own car, if you possibly can, because ambulance shocks are so bad. At least in a regular ambulance they give you morphine. What did Dr. Richard do when Josepha started in on her four-thousandth Bible quotation?
Right now he's suggesting the nuns get themselves a lawyer, since the Miami hospital authorities vowed to get ComaGirl back. An older nun named Sister Francine reassures him that only "papal authority" can open the gates to the BatConvent. Richard comments that it's "nice to have the Vatican on your side." Francine says her convent "wouldn't know" due to "complex issues." Richard wants to explore those issues, but Francine is deliberately vague. Josepha explains that Richard is a professor, which would account for his boundless curiosity. When Sister Francine politely asks about Richard's specialty, he thinks he's getting back at her by telling her he deals with "complex issues." Francine makes him think he's clever by cooing, "Checkmate!" She really shouldn't encourage him like that.
She goes on to speculate that the Pope would be peeved if people stopped using him as the conduit for their prayers to Jesus in heaven. They might stop doing that if Jesus were found to be on earth instead of in heaven. And since all Josepha's BatConvent friends are intent on proving the end of the world is coming and that Jesus is here on earth, the Church does not like them. That all sounds a little too conspiracy theory to me, but considering that in our household Easter Sunday is celebrated as Bunny Appreciation Day, I'm probably not the best authority on the subject.
Francine gives us her impassioned argument for why the End Days are upon us. She describes it as the time when "Christ will reappear, stalked by the Antichrist, for a confrontation between good and evil that will scorch the very face of the earth." Okay, but they better get cracking with the special effects, and soon, because all the Bible quotes and panicky threats with nothing to back them up are starting to wear kind of thin for me. Who'd have thought the end of the world would be so bloody dull?
Josepha finally gets to the good part and claims that "the Bible has left a blank to be filled in by man." Sister Francine claims Josepha's viewpoint makes her a "visionary," and is not just some hack writer's idea of a plot to sustain an "event series" through six episodes. The younger nun intends to find Jesus and "protect him," in order to "forestall the confrontation between good and evil." Okay, then, good luck with that. I can't help but feel that all this is somehow insulting to God. Shouldn't He be smiting these inane and annoying characters with a lightning bolt by now? Or is that just my confused and pagan wishful thinking?
Sister Josepha thinks that if she can forestall the good-versus-evil confrontation, maybe "mankind will do its part," whatever the hell that's supposed to be. No one tells us. They're too busy trying to get Richard to help them. With what, exactly? Well, he could write a book about all this. Yes, and he could also write a book about watching potatoes boil, and I don't think anyone would publish that one either. Besides, Richard is here because he thought the BatConvent people would help him find his daughter, who was killed by Satanists; he's not looking for Jesus or the Antichrist. Josepha is stretching so hard that I fear she'll dislocate something when she says, "Perhaps that is how your daughter intended you to find her." Even that is not enough to convince Richard, though.
He may not believe, but he is shaken up when he shows up at the airport and the ticket agent calls him by name. Does Richard suspect Satanists will start showing up everywhere? Because that already happened in the Winona Ryder movie about Satanists that really shouldn't scare me but does anyway. Oh, come on! That movie was better than this miniseries so far! And at least the plot kind of made sense. So the ticket agent tries to explain away his recognition of Dr. Richard by saying he resides in Boston, implying that Rich has been the subject of much local media coverage. The agent says he's "sorry" for the doctor's loss, but it kind of looks like he's smirking right after he says it. At least the security guard by the metal detector doesn't sneer at him. He does call Dr. Rich by name, but it's because he's reading his name off the boarding pass, not because of Satan or anything.
We are treated once again to that old technique of using a fake news broadcast for exposition. That never gets stale or tired! In this case, "Satanist Isaiah Haden" is out of solitary confinement and back in the general prison population, at his own request. And that's news? Really? Just how slow a news day does it have to be for this to make it to your television? Especially the part about "an injury to [Isaiah's] hand that required microsurgery." Heh. That is a pretty entertaining reference to his lopped-off finger, but I don't know that I'd call it news, exactly. In other non-news, Isaiah is threatening a hunger strike unless he's given access to the press to deliver his "message."
Richard catches part of this broadcast on the plane. Right before landing, he bothers the flight attendant to fetch his coat. She pretends to give a rat's ass about the coat, but you can tell she'll never get to it. Just then, serious turbulence sets in. Richard gets up to investigate and discovers that there is no one in the cockpit flying the plane! Then he sees that all the passengers have disappeared and his daughter Lucy is in the aisle with her bike. Okay, this is kind of spooky at least, especially when Lucy asks him to help her to heaven and then gets a big red stain on her t-shirt in the general vicinity of where her heart would be if Isaiah hadn't, you know, viciously ripped it out. It's all a hallucination, though. Or is it?
It's enough to make Dr. Richard join Sister Josepha for a visit to the head of the Eklind Foundation in New York. We learn that he decided to get to New York by train. Heh. Who can blame him?
The Eklind dude is particularly effusive with his compliments as he tells Richard, "If I'd sent God a want ad, he couldn't have supplied a better man for the job." Oh, please. I've read fortune cookie messages more accurate than that. Richard is easily taken in, though, and he sticks around to hear the Eklind Foundation's theory that a nun who claimed she was impregnated by God died during a ferry accident, in which everyone onboard died except the "miracle baby" found in the sea. That would be the Miracle Satan Baby the Greek people were so happy about last week. Richard is a tad skeptical, but he does point out that a "virgin birth" could be proven through genetics. Astrophysics, you say? No, genetics. He says the genetic makeup of a baby with no father would "read like a clone." Josepha finds that remarkable, but I say it's not nearly as remarkable as the fact that these freaks at the Eklind Foundation -- which probably has more money than God -- never even thought to try consulting any medical experts before now.
There's a bit more of the convoluted arguing from Josepha, which I will skip because it's making my head hurt. But you just know that no matter how wacky her rationale, Rich is going to join her to look for Miracle Satan Baby in Greece.
ComaGirl is still moving her lips while Mother Francine says some Hail Marys. Francine claims that ComaGirl is still spouting scripture. Whoop-de-freakin'-do. Oh, and she's changed from quoting the book of Revelation to quoting the book of John. Okay, but can she tell me why Aquaman thought throwing balls of water at the bad guys while underwater would have any effect on them at all?
It looks like the show didn't have the budget for special effects to keep showing Isaiah's finger cut off, so they sent a PA down to the drugstore to get him a finger splint instead. He gets a visitor also, that surly guy who was giving the hospital administrator a hard time earlier. There's a little bit of subtitling as Isaiah and guest speak what the closed captioning calls "Saitani." Are they sure it's not Latin? Both Isaiah and his friend are peeved about Richard and Josepha getting together. They also seem to feel strongly about silencing ComaGirl. I can't imagine why. Even if she works her way through the entire Bible, it's not like she's adding any helpful interpretive commentary to the mix. Who cares if she likes to quote scripture? Isaiah acts kind of rude toward his visitor, demanding, not once but twice, "Bring me what I need!" Some sort of hallucinatory substances? The latest issue of Vogue? Don't make us guess, Isaiah. He also demands that his guest not let "Little Hawk" get away.
And who might Hawk be? Well, he's Richard's ex-wife's stepson. He seems to have a decent relationship with Richard, which is pretty cool. His name really is Hawk, which is just kind of weird. Seriously, what middle-class white person names his kid Hawk? He converses with Richard about the usual teen angst issues, like getting grounded for smoking. Despite his dorky name, I'm liking Hawk when he asks if Richard is going to "bag another Satanist." I'm also liking Richard when he makes poor awkward Hawk hug him in public. Two people across the way snap pictures of the big hug. They're not smiling. In fact, they're so surly that they must be Satanists: Hollywood-Style.
Hey, speaking of dour stereotypes, we get another scene with Isaiah's visitor, who turns out to be his defense attorney, Nathan Volk. Nathan is outside a courthouse, singing Isaiah's praises to the media. In her home, Richard's ex-wife Norah is watching the lawyer on TV. She is distracted by a delivery guy who brings package addressed to her.
Norah brings the package over to Richard's. She's totally pissed because the package consists of pictures of her son talking to Richard. Whoever put this together has made it look like Richard sent it by putting his return address on the envelope. Richard and Norah assume, probably correctly, that evil Satanists are trying to scare them. Norah asks her ex why he didn't just kill Isaiah when he had the chance. Richard replies, "Because then I'd be like him." He is so smug when he says this that I have an almost overwhelming urge to kick him in the shins.
Hey, it's another scene with Isaiah! He's still in prison, attending a Christian service given by a man who may be the single most boring preacher ever. He is no match for Isaiah's quick wit as the Satanist claims to "love hearing about Jesus" and does some preaching of his own, telling the prisoners that his god is better than Jesus because his god loves these men for what they do, not despite what they do. Aw, now even the lowliest pedophile can feel validated too! The prisoners look intrigued as Isaiah is led away by the guards.
The writers take a sad pass at giving the ComaGirl subplot some validity by having her talk about the island of Patmos, which, of course, is where Miracle Satan Baby is waiting for them. This guess is confirmed by having someone throw some sort of a dead animal's head through Richard's window. That's almost as funny as when the closed captioning describes him as dialing 911, but then when someone answers the phone, we learn that in Richard's world, dialing 911 gets you the campus police. Smart move, Richard. If I were being targeted by dangerous people and needed to call someone to protect me, I'd for sure call the guards who arrive unarmed and have little recourse but to yell at the perps. I mean, wouldn't you? Richard leaves a message for Hawk's daddy, telling him that they need to get a bodyguard for Hawk.
Richard prepares for his trip to Patmos by giving out some instructions to delightful Martin Starr, a.k.a. Bill Haverchuck, a.k.a. Rubio, Richard's intern. Basically, Dr. Rich wants Bill to research the location of Miracle Satan Baby, as well as details about the mother of the baby. Only Martin Starr could deliver the line the way it needs to be delivered: "Sorry, but is that normal for an astrophysicist to do?" I know I don't have religion myself, but I'm starting to wonder if a church devoted to Martin Starr might not be such a bad idea. He can even make a success out of cheesy lines like referring to Richard and Josepha as the "nutty professor and the flying nun." It even cracks me up when he says, "I'll be available on my cell phone," but I think you may have to see that in person to get the full Bill Haverchuck effect.
On the plane to Greece, two hot women are checking out Richard. He seems especially pleased when Josepha suggests they are fashion models. Maybe this is what gives Richard the courage to start up some flirty banter with the nun. He asks her if she has any regrets about being a nun. No, but she does wish she could wear something red once in a while. He implies that she could wear red underwear, which shuts her up. He should keep that technique in mind for the time she goes overboard with the Bible quotes. Her primness does discourage him, however, from asking her to join the Mile High Club with him.
Instead, he shows her a picture of his daughter and Hawk and explains that they used to be best friends. Hawk has changed since Lucy's death, though. And Josepha has changed since the death of her sister. Now she throws out weird platitudes about the pain she felt over her sister's death being a "testimony to the power of human love." Oh, that's comforting. I sure wish I'd had her around when I was first mourning the loss of my father and crying so often that eventually most of the skin came off my nose, making it look like Michael Jackson's. Yeah, that would have been a real party.
Richard gets up to retrieve something (his earplugs?) from the overhead compartment. As he stands up, there is some momentary turbulence, and the cabin lights flicker off and on. It's possible the fashion models are also Satanists, as evidenced by their strangely glowing eyes. Spooky! Well, sort of. When the lights come on again and Richard sits back down, he looks over at the "fashion models," who are still staring right at him intently. That would be kind of a fun prank to play on someone the you're on a boring flight, don't you think? Until you got arrested, of course.
Damn, Patmos is looking beautiful. Too bad the establishing shots are being ruined by stupid dialogue about the boat that rescued Miracle Satan Baby. The boat was called Thalassa. Hey, doesn't that mean "sea" in Greek? Just how uncreative do you have to be to name your boat after the sea? Isn't that a little like not being able to think of a name for your cat so you call her Fluffy? At least it's Martin Starr on the phone. And at least there's no ridiculous stories about the "virgin mom" to sit through. Rubio has found no records pertaining to her. Good.
Down on the dock, the Satan Models from the plane get out of a sports car. They still stare as intently as they can at Richard, but it's a little harder for them now as they are walking at the same time and have to keep at least something of a lookout for lampposts and the like. Josepha and Richard go around asking questions of Greek people who are standing in very scenic Greek surroundings. I pay very little attention, as I am too busy planning the dream vacation that Martin and I will be taking there soon.
Eventually Richard and Josepha hit pay dirt with a fisherman who tells them to have dinner at the Cafe Selini tonight. I hope he hasn't misunderstood their request, though -- especially when he tells them to order the fish for four. Maybe he just thought they wanted a good restaurant recommendation?
It is evening, and Richard and Josepha are waiting at the cafe. They are joined by a young woman, who introduces herself as Athena and is accompanied by her grandmother. Athena is here to offer them information; Grandma is just hungry. Grandma beams happily, speaking in Greek until Richard offers her a menu to shut her up. Athena starts talking about the Miracle Baby, claiming that when her aunt breastfed the baby, she was miraculously cured of bronchitis. Well, duh! Of course the Miracle Satan Baby is going to want to keep its food source safe!
Athena wants to use the Miracle Satan Baby to heal her aunt again, which is why she's talking to Josepha and Richard. Grandma? Still hungry, I presume. It's nice that she's making the effort to look politely interested in what Athena has to say, even though she probably doesn't speak a word of English. Athena points Josepha and Richard in the direction of the church of Saint Zachariah, although she tries to warn them it would be dangerous to go there. Obviously, that will make them more interested in going there. A keen student of human nature, that Athena.
Grandma is just a keen sampler of free cafe food. You can tell she's psyched when it starts arriving. I wonder if she'll be disappointed when she finds out Richard cheaped out on her and ordered the Happy Hour chicken finger special. As he and Josepha get up to leave, the nun leans over to give Athena a kiss. I heard that in the rough cut of this episode, she used that as a distraction so Richard could rev up the car and they could run off, sticking Athena and Grandma with the check for their dinners as well. That might just be a vicious rumor, though.
Hey, are those Satanists over there? The ones who are watching them leave?
When Richard and Josepha reach the church, they are dismayed to find it abandoned and burnt out. Richard automatically jumps to the most cynical conclusion and assumes they were set up for the reward money they'd offered for information on Miracle Satan Baby. Sister Josepha is upbeat as ever. If she tells Richard to turn his frown upside down, I'll clock her. At least she's trying to be logical. When Richard scoffingly refers to the "Christ child," Josepha says she cannot be sure this baby is Jesus because the evidence just isn't there. The ship that rescued him was destroyed; the people that he healed grew sick again and died; the church that sheltered him has been burned to the ground. Is that the sort of path that the son of God would leave behind?" Good point, Jo. She speculates that this may be a "false Christ" sent by Satan. That's right: Miracle Satan Baby! What have I been telling you all along?
Josepha natters on pointlessly for a while longer until she finally gets to the good stuff. Her question: "Could God and the devil be differentiated by DNA?" We don't get to hear the answer, because the church starts falling down around them. Unfortunately, Josepha emerges unscathed. Richard is down, though. If you ask me, Josepha bored him to death.