Down to one car, the roommates make a convoluted plan to get everyone where they need to be one night, which includes Tyler picking up Jose from the gym while the others are at dinner. Tyler, however, is swayed by the (amazing-looking) dessert and company of Zach's parents and just decides to not go, so John heads out instead. His panties now sufficiently wadded, he unloads on Tyler the day, who is too busy baking to care. After a reception at the salon for Olympic Swimmer Amanda Beard tanks (Tyler remembered to bake but forgot to invite any guests), he cries crocodile tears and explains to John his emotional fragility. Amazingly enough, John forgives him for everything and tells him with a straight face how much this means to really understand what Tyler is feeling. If you hear any retching, that's me watching this sad display. Meanwhile, Janelle and Svet have some Quality Bonding Time of their own and dance out their issues. Okay, so I made that last part out. They really just mumble their way through a conversation and somehow come out with a better understanding of one another. up, everyone holds hands and sings Kumbaya.
Previously...Janelle and Tyler hated Svet, the Milan died, and Mystic Tan had a bunch of water damage.
Praise the deity of your choice; Mystic Tan is open again, Ricky having replaced a bunch of damaged goods. There to work, hang out, and socialize are the gang and Zach's parents and sister, who are in town to see what kind of depraved life their son is currently living. Tyler prissily asks them when they're leaving, and is thrilled to realize that they'll be in town for "a cocktail event on Friday with seven-time Olympic medallist Amanda Beard." I don't quite know how he does it, but he manages to puff his scrawny chest out with importance as he says this. The family sounds duly impressed that the uber-swimmer will be there to promote her new line of Speedo swimwear. Coincidentally, this is a pretty big campaign -- I've seen billboards of her that are the size of entire buildings, so Speedo's not kidding around. How they came to believe that this crew would do a good job of things is beyond me. Tyler interviews that the hurricane basically destroyed the business, so this is their one hope at breathing some life back into the shop.
Svet and Paula head home in the lone working vehicle. Once there, they get a ticked-off call from Tyler, who's mad because they didn't give him a ride home. He needs to "get home to use the internet for the Speedo sell." Doesn't that just sound all important! They head back out to pick him up and sit in some traffic. Svet does her makeup as Paula says that this whole Amanda Beard reception is going to crash and burn because no one is going to know about it. I guess that means she's not on the committee, or something, since one would think that it might behoove her to figure out a way to let people know about it. I don't get it.
When they arrive back, Tyler is sitting with his face in his hands looking morose and doesn't even get up until he can piss and moan dramatically to Paula about how rude they are and how put out he is. That sloshing is the sound of me, swimming in a pool of my own tears at this sad story. Diva finally leaves with Jose. As they're on their way to the car, Zach realizes that they've gone, and quickly says goodbye to his parents, since he's supposed to get a ride home, too. Jose asks Tyler about this, and Tyler basically says that he couldn't give a rat's ass because he needs to get home. The darling little pot actually tells Jose he's going to leave without Zach. If there is anything I loathe, it's people who make up rules for people and how they should live their lives, but then don't actually live by those rules themselves. Watching this little windbag makes me want to throw something at the television, and I'm not even near the actual action of this episode. Fortunately, Zach makes it to the car before Tyler can actually leave him behind.
Tyler, in love with the sound of his own voice, drones on and on about how rude Svet and Paula were and how much he has to do in the two days to pull off this event. As he prattles on, Zach and Jose just look bored. After tiring of listening to him moan about his workload, Zach offers to help him with whatever he needs. Ever thankful, Tyler ignores him to honk and bitch at bicyclists on the road, pretending that Zach never said a word. Tyler then turns to Jose to ask him whether he's working out. Jose says that he is, but he needs a nap first, so the three come up with a plan for the car. Tyler offers -- OFFERS -- that he'll be done with whatever he's doing at 9, so he can take "Josie" home after his workout. Somehow, Zach's going to drive to see his parents for dinner, at which point Tyler will get the car, pick up Jose, and everyone is happy. I don't know the details of the plan because even though I watched this scene three times, I'm still a bit confused about where everyone is coming and going from. I guess it will turn out that I'm no the only one. Jose tells us that it's complicated. Yes, and unfortunately none of you seems like your little noggins should be taxed to this extent.
8:30 PM. Lots of glamour shots of Jose working out.
9:15 PM. Back at the house, John's essentially herding chickens trying to get everyone out the door. They were supposed to meet Zach's parents at the restaurant at 9. Everyone except for Tyler and Jose is having dinner with them tonight. I guess Tyler will meet them at the restaurant, where they'll hand off the keys and get Jose. Unfortunately, when they arrive at 9:40 PM, Tyler's in the middle of an Academy Award performance of I'm Not Really A Dick; Aren't I Great Company? with Zach's family. Once everyone is at the table, he finally asks for the gym's phone number. When John asks why, Tyler says some shit about needing to figure out a plan to tell Jose, instead of, say, just going to pick him up. The plan is to get off your ass, moron. Why don't you call and tell himyou're late, and that you're leaving to get him now? Zach actually suggests this, but in a much nicer manner than I do. After Tyler dicks around some more like a prissy little bitch -- I swear, I know he doesn't actually purse his lips when he talks, but he just acts like he does and it's all I can picture -- John just gets the keys and heads off to pick up Jose. Tyler, of course, takes this time to yell after John not to talk to him "that way," which is extremely appropriate in front of Zach's parents, but John just walks out. The entire showdown is laid over scenes of Jose waiting pathetically with only the company of his water bottle.
John voices over that he "wants the night to go smoothly," so he just takes off to get Jose. He does feel, though, like it was Tyler's responsibility. MAYBE BECAUSE IT WAS. He adds that if he was stuck somewhere and "an inconsiderate person" didn't want to pick him up, he'd expect Jose or Zach to do the same for him. When he gets to the gym, Jose isn't there, and the guy tells John that he left a while ago after waiting around. John takes off and finds Jose walking, nearly home at this point. When he explains that Tyler didn't want to pick up Jose, Jose thinks Tyler just never showed up to get the keys. His eyebrows rise when John explains that he was at the restaurant as they were speaking, and we see Tyler oozing praise about some dessert. John goes on and on about how frustrated he is, and Jose voices over that he's surprised Tyler did this, because Jose's supposed to be "his boy." As John rages, Tyler continues to laugh at dinner and pretend to be the perfect guest.
The morning, back at the house, John slams some cupboards in the kitchen -- one of my personal bad-mood remedies. Zach apologizes for what happened, because he's nice. John says that it's fine: Tyler ruined dinner for John anyway, so John was just as glad to not be there. Mmm, rumpled boys. You can imagine just how long it's been since I've seen a rumpled boy in the morning if I'm having this reaction to this particular show in between murderous rages, but they are both cute. They discuss the night before, and John tells Zach about finally finding Jose walking home. Zach shakes his head. In his interview, Zach says that it was Tyler's job, so not matter what time it was he should have gone to look for him. This is what's known as "common sense" -- something with which Tyler isn't terribly familiar. John reiterates how frustrated he is that Tyler didn't take responsibility, and then says he feels like he invested a lot into a friendship that's now worthless. Don't lose sleep over it, Johnny boy. I guarantee you'll be glad to forget him as soon as you move out of this house.
Jose sits Tyler down and really calmly asks what happened the night before. Tyler looks terribly unconcerned as he tells him about waiting for the others to arrive with the car from 9:00 until about 9:40. He somehow skips over why he didn't just leave at that point, but launches into everyone yelling at him. His excuse is, "You guys, If you'd just gotten here forty minutes ago, this wouldn't be an issue!" He then adds that he was certain Jose must have already walked home at that point. I still fail to see how this excuses him from looking for Jose AT ALL, but I live in the Land of Being Considerate of Others, so I think I'm destined never to understand the workings of Tyler's pea brain. Jose, however, points out that he was waiting and not walking, and I wonder when he lost his magical mind-reading powers. Come on, Jose. Tyler is gesturing with some sort of wooden spoon during the conversation and looks completely bored. Jose very calmly tells Tyler how confused he was, because they're friends, and he would have picked Tyler up if their roles had been reversed. Jose's a much bigger person than I am not to start screaming, but this also means that he gets the job done better than I would have, since Tyler now feels guilty for disappointing Jose. I'll take it. Jose explains that he only reacted calmly because it was Tyler he was dealing with. Good for him, but I also can't help feeling he shouldn't baby that little bitch.
Svet is on the phone with Martin, helpfully explaining that only she and Janelle will be home that night. She gives him the very ninth-grade "Tyler told Janelle that I told you that she was a lowlife" rundown. There's a very arty muted-color replay of the scene. Svet admits that she's going to apologize, but is intimated by Janelle because she's so "mature" and really listens when someone talks to her. Well, we all have our own definitions of the word "mature," I guess.
Cut to Svet and Janelle on the couch, having a Deep Discussion peppered with so many "like"s that I can't keep track of the actual dialogue. Somehow, Svet apologizes, and instead of apologizing back, Janelle says that it's so big of Svet to have reached this point, because now she'll allow herself to be approachable? I don't know. Svet is wearing the largest watch I've ever seen, and between that and the horrific self-interruptions, I can't focus. Janelle has the gall to voice over that Svet "has been able to acknowledge that everything [Janelle's] done thus far to her has been for a certain reason." Yeah, that you're a bitch seems to be the reason. But after talking and talking and assuring each other of how genuine they really are, they somehow reach an agreement. I think it's bull, but they both seem to have swallowed it, so I'll leave it.
In the kitchen, presumably the day, Janelle is relaying the conversation to Tyler, in the hope that it will get him to lay off Svet somewhat, so that maybe they can be civil to one another. Suddenly, Svet is sitting in the kitchen across the bar and patronizingly asks whether they should put some spices on the food. Just as suddenly, she's shaking something onto a tray of food as Tyler adds, "You can never have enough basil." I'm not sure Svet really spoke a word during this whole exchange, but you can tell that Tyler thinks he's a very mature individual for his polite handling of her. And by that, of course, I mean his prissy and assy handling.
Then, just as suddenly (I swear, this editing is going to give me seizures if they don't start using transitions), Tyler's staring at John and pursing his lips. When Tyler gets ready to go, John lays into him about leaving dirty dishes, at which point Tyler prissily tries to point out that he's busy getting ready for the event and that John's not helping. Brilliantly, John calls Tyler out for not letting anyone help get ready for this event, because that way, he can take all the credit. Tyler has no answer, but cunningly changes the subject by asking John whether he's still mad about the other night. John loses it; he's yelling at Tyler that he doesn't want to hear his voice. The bad thing is, he doesn't really address any of the issues from the night, but I think at this point he's just too overwhelmed with all of the shit Tyler's pulled since they met and it's spewing out uncontrollably. Tyler does that which pushes my own buttons so well, prissily telling John Tyler needs him to explain what he's angry about. Oh, my god, my blood is boiling. Take some responsibility for yourself, you fuckwit. Watching this is going to raise my blood pressure until a vein actually pops out of my skin. Tyler has the nerve to tell John to "leave his bad attitude at home" because "they'd" really like him to come to the function and enjoy himself. John asks, "Oh, since when do you fucking own Mystic Tan?" Tyler actually answers, "We don't..." which I love, since he got so caught up in making it not just about him that he sounds like he's referring to himself like royalty. Because you know no one else would be siding with him in this ridiculous fight. Tyler voices over that he doesn't care about John -- which we all already knew, because John's name isn't Tyler and that is all that Tyler cares about.
(If you're actually holding a "cocktail event" for Speedo and Amanda Beard, don't you have it catered and not have it look like the room mother made the week's snacks for Bobby's eighth birthday class party?) Zach, Janelle, and Svet head out, and Tyler gets lost, even though this is his place of business and I would assume that he would have figured out how to get there by himself like a big boy already. The marketing for the event amounts to some painting on the front door. Tyler lists Amanda's achievements -- three-time Olympian and world-record holder -- and explains that she's promoting her new Speedo line. Amanda is really gracious as Tyler tells her that even though she thought the event was from 4 PM to 6, they (Tyler) expected people "early evening." (Meaning, if no one shows up, he can pretend it's a timing problem because he's a liar and an inept planner who thinks he should run the world. Brilliant plan.) Janelle asks Tyler in the other room whether he even remembered to invite anyone at all, and Tyler says that he told some nebulous "them" to promote it at schools and community colleges. Janelle wishes she'd known, so that maybe they could have invited more people. This is seriously the most half-assed, unprepared promotion ever, and, as someone who has worked in events for years, I can't believe Tyler didn't make sure he'd have some attendees. Oh, but wait -- it's Tyler. Never mind me. Amanda gamely talks to and signs autographs for the eight people who showed up. You heard me right: eight. That means that with the housemates and Amanda herself, this grand "cocktail event" had sixteen attendees in two hours. Janelle rightfully calls Tyler out, saying that he should have asked for help so that they all could have advertised and made it an actually successful event and not a hideous embarassment. I just love that Tyler's plan blew up in his face, and instead of being solely responsible for its success, he's solely responsible for its failure. Awesome. Amanda leaves. Sheesh.
Once the event is mercifully over, Jose tells Tyler that he's "been acting very diva these last couple of days." Tyler has the amazing gall to look surprised and bewildered (yet somehow, also delighted) at this accusation. He gigglingly pretends not to understand what Jose could possibly mean by that. However, since it's Jose, Tyler takes it seriously and hears him out. Tyler apologizes for their having to witness the fight with John, but Jose points out that he wasn't even there for that, and has to explain what John is really mad about, which is having to pick up after Tyler. Yes, John should have pointed that out, but by the time he'd snapped, rational speech wasn't an option. Then we get the real acting. Tyler decides to fall back on his family history, saying that John's behavior reminds him of things he's been through in the past. Tyler adds that it reminds him of "every time someone else has lashed out at [him] in his life." I'm surprised your pea brain has enough space to hold all that, Tyler, since I would think someone's probably wanted to strangle you at least once every day you've been on this fair earth.
The morning, John and Zach are at Mystic Tan and get a message that FORD! replaced the Mercury Milan, and it is waiting outside. They ooh and aah and reiterate all of the places they can now drive, and thank Ricky. Shouldn't they be thanking Ford?
At home, Tyler sits John down and tells him, "We've all had our moments where we lashed out in the house, but to me, I'm very tender about the way people speak to me...." Tender?! Tender, like I've just hit you repeatedly with a meat tenderizer, maybe. Tyler then brings up his family history, his brother, etc. etc. John looks like he's just given up. He listens to everything very passively, which Tyler takes as acceptance. Oh lordy, but wait -- John actually tells Tyler that the reason he got upset was because of how much he cares about Tyler. John actually seems to be suckered by Tyler's tears, and says that he doesn't want to add to his pain. They appear to be heading down Forgiveness Road. Personally, I'd just want to get out of the room so that I could ignore Tyler's existence, but whatever. Potato, po-tah-to. As Tyler explains that this meaningful relationship makes him want to reach out to his brother, my Tivo cuts off the last seconds of the episode. But it's just as well, since I think I might actually vomit if I had I watch them finish up this love-fest. Let's all hug and sing until Tuesday, which I'm sure will feature more strife.