The kids open their tanning salon. John is the first to try it out. A handful of people show up; a hungover John naps during the opening. They go out drinking to celebrate, and Paula gets drunk and starts making fun of John's small penis. Finally, John has had enough and disses Paula hardcore. It quiets the car. Paula freaks out at everyone else and then throws a shoe. John tells Paula that he can't be around her when she drinks; they resolve things. Paula goes to the shrink again. She loves going to therapy. We can tell that it's really working. In other news: aw, poor Bossman Ricky Croft. He only has ten friends, and a scary robot host girl!
Previously on...Tyler approved of the job the kids did on the salon. Paula yelled at John, "Kiss my ass!," as she is wont to do. Paula finally saw a shrink. He told her that she's depressed and anxious and that he could help her. She thought she'd hit rock bottom. It's 9 AM on a gorgeous Saturday and I'm the one recapping in bed with headphones to my sleeping wife instead of going back to sleep myself or doing other fun bedroom stuff. Tell me who has hit rock bottom?
Opening credits. The high point of seven people's lives. Sad.
Water. Sun. Mystic Tan. Paula jumps out the window. Zach shows someone a t-shirt. Paula decorates the front window with detritus from the floor. Zach camera-fros that they're doing something called a "soft opening," and then a bigger Grand Opening the following week. In other words, they couldn't get their shit together. Zach squeegees the window. Bossman Ricky Croft puts a shower cap on John's head as John tells us that he's decided to be the guinea pig. Bossman Ricky Croft makes them watch "the video." Yeah, maybe as employees they should know what's on the stupid tape they make people watch before getting cancer...I mean, "chemical tanner" applied to their skin. In the video, a hot-ish girl gets sprayed. It looks horrifying.
Bossman Ricky Croft stands by as John picks the "hyper-tan" option, going in naked. Jose sits on the couch. Zach laughs outside the basically see-through booth (lawsuit!), and John shrieks as the spray hits him. It really looks like the worst choice a person could make. Zach and Jose laugh. John turns around. The kids steal John's boxers. He has to inch out naked. (And I do mean "inch.")
Beach. Beach. Sunbathers. Sly commentary on the folly of having a fake tanning place on a tiny island near the Equator? Sky. Sky. Terrible statue. House. John is chemically tanned. Janelle thinks John has cute feet. John displays his ass to see if it got tanned. Janelle looks away, hating his ass. John thinks she wants to take a "bite out of that thing."
Water. Night. Bars. Bars. Zach camera-managers that they're going out on the town to pimp the salon. Yeah, that'll be a fun night out for all. Zach says they realize that their market is "awesome here." You mean, a bunch of stupid, drunk kids with little direction in life? Yeah, I guess so. Paula sells. John sells. Svet sells. John also uses the sales pitch to try to pick up whores. It doesn't work.
Lamppost. Day. Water. Salon. The kids arrive for the big Soft Opening. A sad "We're Open" sign sits on the ground, propped up against the wall outside. Nice try. It's like a school for special kids is having a car wash or something. Tyler arrives. "Clock this girl in," he tells Paula, calling himself a girl. John didn't sleep last night, and decides to take a nap there in this little closet he refers to as his "office." He lies to giant vats of chemicals. Cancer.
The kids all stand around. No customers. Paula is upset about the nap and at Zach for letting John get away with it; she's also mad at everyone for thinking John's taking a nap there is funny. Dude, you have seven people to handle zero customers. I think you're going to be all right. John snores. Janelle runs in, psyched about the B/M sound guy -- I mean, "customer" who walks in. If I saw camera crews and seven losers being uber-excited about my presence and no other customers to be found, I would flee.
Montage of supposed customers. Two dark-skinned black girls wander in. Really? Is the whole Mystic Tan process for them? I'm not so sure. People walk out of the booth covered in chemicals. They seem nonplussed about the whole thing. The kids count money. Zach is happy about the "fruits of [their] labor."
Bossman Ricky Croft calls on the SIDEKICK! Really, it's their friggin' opening day. Where else does he have to be? Zach lies that they made over $700, but adds that they need to make more. Bossman Ricky Croft thinks they did well. No, he doesn't.
The kids go out to celebrate. Bars. Bars. Standing around. Drinking. Paula gets drunk. She and Svet run. They all climb into the FORD!, and Tyler camera-queens that Paula is drunk again, so he knows it's going to be a great ride home. Driving. Paula babbles about John, suddenly getting really mad and yelling at him about sleeping at work. "Kiss my ass!" she says for the first of a hundred times. John camera-frats that you shouldn't taunt a barking dog. Paula yells. John sticks his head out the window. Paula keeps yelling, saying he has a small penis. Kids are laughing. Tyler is busting a gut. Finally, John retaliates, saying she has "mosquito bites" for tits. Tyler loves it. Paula doesn't. John finally snaps and, pretending to talk as Paula, says, "My waist is six inches around and I pick my scabs because they don't heal." Suddenly, the FORD! goes quiet and Svet tries to get John to stop but he's on a roll now and goes on, saying that she has a three-year-old scab (heeeeee) and that Paula hasn't eaten in a week. Dead silence. Paula looks like she just found out her puppy died. Awk-ward. Commercials.
Ooh, I can't wait for the new MTV reality show Cheyenne. I'm gonna put her as a top eight on my MySpace page! Squeeeee!
FORD! Driving. Silence. Svet says, "John." John gets out and opens the gate. Paula starts talking again, and Zach tells Paula that she's not helping herself and she lashes out, "Kiss my ass, cuz everyone...kisses his goddamn ass." She's on the verge of tears. Good. She points to everyone who can kiss her ass one by one. Then when Svet gets sad about being included, Paula says, "Well, not you." Heh. Zach tells Jose, who also complains about having to kiss Paula's ass, that he should just "take it." I think Zach often tells Jose to just "take it." Jose and Tyler and Paula are the only ones left in the FORD! now. Jose is trying to reason with her, wondering what he did to her. She drunkenly says, "Not what you did to me, but what you did against me." Huh? She realizes she's making no sense and is incapable of logic, and screams in frustration. She hyperventilates, trying to make her point, but Jose won't just let it go. Jose tells us, hysterically, that it's time he stood up for himself and stopped "blending into the background." Too late. Go pop a collar. He continues after Paula. She continues. By way of making sense, she says, "Johnny diverts his idocracy on the world, on other people." Tyler is cracking up silently as Paula continues to rail at Jose against John, saying that John slept at work. Jose laughs that he's just the assistant manager, and that makes Tyler laugh even harder, and Paula realizes that she's being laughed at, but continues, saying that John can kiss her ass. Now they're all just enjoying it. Tyler and Jose egg Paula on, telling her that she needs to go in the house and confront Zach about letting John get away with sleeping at the salon.
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Tyler and Jose walk Paula into the house, keeping her mad. "Apparently, I need to yell at you," Paula tells Zach. Zach is confused, but Jose, enjoying this, whispers that Zach should listen to how funny she's being. Paula says that she was working all day, and John was sleeping. Jose and Paula continue, talking to Zach. More talking. More talking about work. Tyler comes in. Zach also makes the mistake of trying to reason with a crazy person, telling her that John does not have some vendetta against her. Zach tells her that she drew him into a fight that night. Paula flips it around, saying that it was John's fault. Delusional, but funny! She gets mad and walks away from Zach, who keeps scratching his giant fro, Key West bugs nesting within. Paula flips out, telling Zach to kiss her ass, hyperventilating again, saying that she hates living in the house and that Zach is an asshole. Zach is a fucking moron for trying to reason with her in this state. Big dumb-dumb. Paula stumbles out of the phone room as a terrible song plays.
Paula sits on up on the stairwell and throws her shoes. Commercials.
Day. Pool. Janelle does some yoga-lates by the pool. Phone room. Paula talks to Criminally Abusive Ex-Boyfriend Keith With The Terrible MySpace Page Who Should Be Arrested For Both Crimes Against Women And HTML. Paula picks her scabs, telling Criminally Abusive Ex-Boyfriend Keith that she can't remember why she got into fights with everyone on the ride home. "I don't know, babe," replies Criminally Abusive Ex-Boyfriend Keith, no doubt stroking the sleeping head of some less insane girl sleeping to him. Paula goes into her baby voice, saying that she thinks John made fun of her "scars and stuff" in front of everyone last night. "That's not cool," says Criminally Abusive Ex-Boyfriend Keith, who probably gave her said scars. Also: they're "scabs," Paula. Scabs. Not scars. We see her picking. Paula says she thinks the best decision she could make would be to stop drinking. Criminally Abusive Ex-Boyfriend Keith says that would be hard in Key West. He really just doesn't want her to sober up and realize what a dangerously insane shithead she's semi-dating. She tells him she really wants to go see the doctor again; she loves the shrink. Criminally Abusive Ex-Boyfriend Keith advises that instead of going out drinking with the kids, she could stay home and "do some serious yoga." What a fucking dick.
Water. Water. FORD! truck, but not theirs. Just a passing Ford that they happen to focus on the logo of. Nice accidental embedded product placement. Salon -- which is just another big product placement. John talks to the boys about Paula and how he doesn't really want to talk to her anymore. "If she's drinking, I don't want to be around her," John explains, rather rationally. Tyler thinks she drinks "aggressively." Dr. Tyler tells us that he thinks it's all because she doesn't get her emotions out through running, writing in a journal, or yoga. Heh. John and Tyler keep discussing. I keep not listening.
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House. The others stand around. Paula and Svet both blacked out and don't remember a lot about last night. Paula asks if it was her fault that the fight started. No! Of course not! Janelle was apparently the sober driver last night, so she clues them all in on the fight, telling Paula that it was indeed her fault. Paula is very shocked. The best thing is that Svet, twice, informs Paula gleefully that John called her tits "mosquito bites," smiling each time. Very nice for her D-cup-having ass to say. Paula then camera-pouts that she's embarrassed. Paula says that when John talked about her scabs and everyone got quiet, that's when she knew it "wasn't cool." What, picking or the fight? How about we just say "everything." Everything isn't cool in your world.
House. Day. Pool Water.
Salon. Moped. Salon. Tyler and John talk. The girls, plus Jose (also kind of a girl), arrive. John and Paula talk. John tells Paula his decision -- that he can't be around her when she drinks. She agrees that it's "scary" when she suddenly switches and freaks out. John says that it's simple: she should stop drinking. She talks about Janelle telling her it was her fault last night. "That's not okay. And I wouldn't want to be on the other end of that, ever," says Paula, by way of a non-apology. Paula says that she's trying. "Yeah," says John. Problem solved!
House. Night.
Day. Water. House. Paula camera-bones that she likes talking to the doctor and that he doesn't make her feel crazy. Paula drives, dropping John off at the gym. They talk. Paula says it's "weird," going to the shrink. John reveals he's been to a shrink before, and that it's the doctor's job to make her feel comfortable opening up. John tells us he hopes this "issue" between them isn't going to come up again. Oh, it is. Paula drives to the shrink. We don't get to go with her this time.
Water. The sun sets. House. Night. Deck. Paula talks to Tyler about the doctor, saying that he made connections between how she behaves now and how she was raised. Tyler pretends to give a shit. "I love going to therapy," she tells us. He's helping her not to be so "negative." He also told her that she's drinking to "black out," and that it's bad and toxic. The doctor told Paula that she needs not to get so drunk and out of control, because clearly it's not fun for anyone. Paula is happy to be going to the doctor. Tyler makes her slap him high five, a PEPSI! strategically placed in the shot.
On the ...The kids have a food fight. Janelle and Jose get into a fight out on the street. "You are a nobody, so stop," says Jose. Heh. Hey, look at that. Nick Lachey has a video. So cute. Too bad his sitcom pilot for the CW didn't get picked up this past week, even though it faced competition from exactly one other pilot in consideration on the network. Aw.
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