Paula claims to have learned from John something valuable -- about this experience being an opportunity for a "clean slate." She thinks that she's really meant to be here on this show for a reason. Yeah, to annoy us. Zach hangs out with waitress Crystal and they cuddle and she leaves him with blue balls. The girls tease Zach. John helps Zach realize that he's "Dad" to these girls and they want to date him and be exclusive, but not just hook up and keep it fun, like he wants. The kids go drinking. Paula gets wasted. Back home, she turns into a different person, "Paula Walnuts," they call her. Paula calls Keith, breaks the phone cord, and then insults Zach. Zach then tells Crystal he wants to keep it "fun." His selfish confession gets him laid; they hump. Basketcase Paula goes to her therapist, picking her arm sores the whole way. The therapist seems very good. Zach confirms to the boys that he, indeed, humped Crystal. Paula goes to bed reading a self-help book.
Previously.... Zach got to know blonde waitress Crystal. Paula was anorexic. John lied to Paula that she could make a fresh start.
Credits. Beach. Sandbugs crawling up a girl's bikini leg. Hatching eggs. Problems occurring.
Clouds. Clouds. Water. Boats. Lifesaver. House. Pool. Rafts. Paula floats. Svet floats. Paula tells Svet about John's pep talk from last week. Paula marvels that John was actually right. I'm marveling that the editors managed to keep a storyline relatively linear. Fine work. Paula continues to delude herself, thinking that John's telling her that "you can be okay" is actually going to make her okay. No, Paula. You'll be excited by the refreshing notion that you can be okay. But then your world will quickly slide back to a place where you are not okay, because that is where you live. Sorry. Also, find some moisturizer. And Band-Aids for your multitudinous open sores -- they're gross. And a straitjacket. Paula continues to float, and says that she'll never have this opportunity again, and that she was "meant" to come here and meet these people. I'm pretty sure Svet has fallen asleep, because I damn near have. I can't wait for Paula's dreams of redemption without doing any work to be smashed to bits on the rocks of her own insanity. (Yikes. Harsh.) More floating.
House. Fish tank. Paula answers the phone. It's a shrink calling! "Dr. Covan, PhD." She'd already contacted him, and so now he asks what he can do for her. She nervously babbles about advice and clearing things up in her head. Her legs and arms are completely covered in oozing welts. It's really disgusting. I just can't imagine why any guy would desire Paula. Inconceivable! Paula camera-bones that she should have gone to therapy before now and, obviously, she needs help. They make an appointment. Paula tells us that she's really scared; hopefully Dr. Covan will be able to start a process and give her guidance. He won't. There is no process for you. You're fucked.
Sun. Leaves. Clouds. Night. Cars. Candles. Outside, Zach and Crystal cuddle in a hammock. The girl is cute enough, but something really bad happened to her eyebrows. Some terrible accident or she lost them in a poker game or had a sorority prank pulled on her, because they have been reduced to two tiny thin upside-down "parentheses" hovering on top of her eyes. Zach babbles about having nice experiences here and how different it is from his life and he's learned how he wants to be treated back home yada yada. Crystal then promises blowjobs by saying that she's a "people pleaser," and as long as everybody else is happy, she's happy. Sweet! They cuddle and whisper. He tells us that she's growing on him (like a fungus!) and it "excites" him (gross). Now they dive into his bed upstairs, and laugh and giggle until the cameraman finally gets the hint and leaves, and then they're just captured by the room cam, cuddling. Zach tries to convince her to stay over.(Get "naked.") Kissing. Zach touches her tanned belly: "You should stay." She thanks him. She leaves. He tells us that he's not trying to get anything out of her more than fun and friendship. Dude, she just told you she hands out blowjobs, willy nilly! You have a goal now. And it ain't friendship.
Zach talks to Svet and Paula. Mistake. They tease him, and ask him whether he kissed Crystal. Paula asks silly questions about Crystal's "butt" and whether they're going to get married, while Svet asks whether Crystal's a good kisser, earnestly. Paula then tells us that Zach likes Crystal, but doesn't want to limit himself. The girls start calling him an "idiot jerk" for his future imagined crimes against Crystal, and by proxy, all women. John comes into the room and joins in on the teasing. Zach says "game over" and leaves. Svet levels Zach with a parting shot, "You are so mad you got no booty." Heh.
Night. Clouds. (I smell a visual connective theme this episode!) House. House. Zach lies in bed, awake. Crap music plays. He and John have some pillow talk. Zach doesn't want to be tied down. John knows somehow that Crystal is seeking out a relationship. John jokes that Zach won't get any play, because he's "too good": "You're like dad." Zach rejects this notion. They riff on "dad," and how girls don't want to "touch dad." Well, not normal girls, anyway. Just the really fucked up ones. Like actresses. And bloggers. (Kidding!) (But not really.) Zach and John then proceed to hit each other with pillows and giggle until their parents come in and separate them. Commercials.
Night. Key West. Key West. Bars. Bar. Zach finds Crystal at her bar. He touches her face. Paula drinks a lot. Paula dances on the bar. Tyler watches, not at all amused, camera-talking that Paula has a hard time with her emotions, and when Paula drinks it allows her to be freer with them. Oh, great. Paula dances. Outside, Paula hugs an electrical box. She sticks her tongue out. Zach camera-fros that he is worried about Paula, and that her drinking "is not helping her life."
Home. Paula screams that everyone is being a bitch, and runs through the house. Zach says that this is the Paula that comes out after a long night of drinking. She starts bitching about people not putting the caps on markers. She keeps yelling and bouncing up and down and kicking things. John camera-talks, telling us that when she drinks, you have to look at her as a different person. They call this other person "Paula Walnuts." I have to say, it's kind of cute. I like it better than, well, all the other Paula's. (Even though she's clearly regressing to a time when something terrible happened to her. Well, or she's just a wretched drunk.) Jose asks her to stop kicking the cabinet. She picks her nose. Jose offers her some AQUAFINA!
Hot tub. House. Phone room. Paula talks to Abusive Keith with the bad MySpace page in her baby voice. Abusive Keith with the bad MySpace page asks whether she's scared for her shrink appointment tomorrow, and Paula says yes; she doesn't want the doc to declare that she's unfixable. Keith tries to reassure her...before reaching through the phone and punching her bitch ass in the mouth for not listening to him! Paula now does a confessional where she talks pessimistically about the upcoming shrink session and how she knows it's not going to work. Way to be positive! Paula goes crazy with the baby talk and puts pillows on the ground and lies down. Then she asks Abusive Keith with the bad MySpace page what happens if the doctor says that she shouldn't call him (Keith) anymore. Keith starts saying that they need to let him make that decision when the time comes...and she pulls the heavy phone table over onto the ground to get the phone cord more slack. Everyone goes to see what happened, and Paula yells incoherently at Zach. Then she says, "Hello?" and drunkenly realizes she's broken the phone. Zach and Janelle come in. "I broke the phone!" Paula slurs, and stumbles out. Nice.
Paula goes to the computer room to do some one-handed typing (no, not like that!), I guess composing a sweet MySpace message for her awesome man's awesome site, while the others try to fix the phone. Turns out that when the table fell over, it cut the cord in half. Zach goes to tell Paula, and she says that everyone can "die." Zach wonders whether she really means that, and then she sing-songs, "Or be sad." Zach laughs, wondering which one. She smiles an insane smile, still trying to log on to www.i-desperately-need-help-like-right-now.com.
Blowfish. The blowfish eats another fish. Yikes. Phone room. Zach tries to fix the cord. Paula hears the roommates all talking and yells from upstairs, wondering who is talking on the phone. John says, "Shut the fuck up." And Janelle adds, "Bitch, you broke the phone." Paula comes to the landing and flips them off. She continues to flip them off, hanging over the landing. Zach and Jose are...um...cuddling during all this. Seriously. Spooning. Zach tells Paula to be careful, the whole time resting his hand on Jose's ass. There's something fishy in Key West, and it's not the phosphorescence. Zach keeps smacking Jose's ass, while Paula is fake-laughing at them all. They all laugh as she trounces through the living room and says, to no one and everyone, "Kiss my ass." John then camera-frats that there are certain "red flags" when they know Paula Walnuts is coming out, and its when she says, "Kiss my ass" a lot.
Paula comes into the phone room and babbles some ridiculous shit about Zach being "an idiot." I'm getting the idea that Paula has multiple personality disorder. And scabies. Zach takes the abuse, confused. Then she starts saying that Zach has a tiny penis and Crystal thinks he's boring and no one respects him. She walks off, carrying her comfort blanket from childhood. (Dude, that should have been Sign One that the girl is bonkers.) Zach wonders whether those are her true feelings about him. Zach says that Paula is ruining everyone's experience in Key West, and that she needs professional help. Paula goes to bed. John fixes the phone.
Later. (Jesus, how long is this night?) Crystal comes over. Zach's hat is on sideways. She must dig it because she goes upstairs with him. They get in bed. Zach camera-talks that he adores Crystal, but needs to tell her how he feels. So he does. Dummy, you wait until after you get laid to give her the "friends" speech. But no, he says, "Can we keep it chill and keep it fun?" She looks hurt. He says it's selfish but he's not going to lie: he wants to remain unattached. He says that he doesn't want anyone to get hurt. "Then stop hurting people," Crystal says, in one of the oldest yet most effective comebacks for this situation ever. Zach camera-fros that he thinks Crystal understands where he's coming from, but that she doesn't want to believe it. Yes, and yes. Now they turn out the lights and from the overhead camera we see clothes coming off and kissing and covers and we fade away.
Morning. Sailboat. Lifesaver. Clouds. House. Pool. Inside. Crystal and Zach cuddle in bed. They get up. Downstairs, Paula eats cereal. Crystal does the walk of shame, and asks Paula whether she had fun last night. "I think I broke the phone," Paula says, and adds that the longer she's been here, the more out of control she's been acting. Yeah, well, she's used to being in the hospital most of the time where there isn't any alcohol. Paula is heading off to the shrink. Tyler offers to drive her. Meanwhile, Zach says goodbye to Crystal, telling us some ludicrous nonsense in which he tries to convince us and himself that as long as he's honest with the girl, no one is going to get hurt. As if that has ever worked in the history of the world, anywhere.
Key West. Water. Houses. FORD! Tyler drives. Paula sits in the backseat, looking exactly like a sad beagle, staring nervously out the window. Tyler asks whether she wants him to be serious or light. She says that she's scared. He says she shouldn't be scared and that she should just be honest and open with the shrink. He asks whether she's ever been to a therapist before, and she says no. And we see her picking one of her scabs. Ah. So, yeah. She's a picker. I've known those. They're something else. Picker Paula now camera-sores that she doesn't know what to expect and doesn't know how to start explaining to a doctor what her problems are. More nervous driving. Nervous. Stupid song. They arrive. She kisses Tyler goodbye and goes Behind the Green Door...but instead of a goofy '70s orgy waiting to watch her be ravaged by a bunch of hippies, we go to commercials.
Day. Key West. Key West. Houses. Shrink. We meet Fred Covan, the doctor. He's a bearded grey-haired dude. Paula is scared. He asks Paula what she wants help with. The doc has to lead her to it -- her scarred hands trembling -- but Paula says that she guesses she'd like to be happy with herself. He asks what she's not happy with. Paula looks for an escape, and says that she doesn't know how to do "this." The doc remarks that she looks sad and anxious. She mentions that her roommates see something wrong with her. He asks what that is, and Paula says that she gets angry and she's emotional. Then she says something about her weight, and he asks what she thinks of her weight. Her voice is reverting and she's slumping into her chair like she was sinking into the fabric. Paula says that she doesn't think she's fat, but that she thinks about her weight all the time. Her eyes are lost and if it didn't feel like such a total ethical violation, it would very compelling. The doc asks her how much she weighs, and she lies that she weighs 100 pounds. She admits taking diet pills. He explains what the drug in diet pills does and how it makes you nervous. Paula says that she hates this, starting to cry now. She hates feeling like this, she clarifies. The doc lays out for her what they're going to try to accomplish together. They're going to try to identify and understand her thoughts, what makes her feel bad, and then teach her to question those thoughts. Dr. Covan says that he thinks he can help her get her life back. Paula thinks it's not going to happen, but he says that if she thinks like that, she just might be right. Ooh, shrinks are so smart with their double-speaks and all throwing shit back at you and all. Damn shrinks!
Day. Statue. Clouds. Building. Clouds. Car. John and Zach and Jose drive. They ask questions about what Zach and Crystal did: where they touched, etc. Zach says that he made the friendship speech. John then camera-frats that he thinks Zach's actions towards Crystal are going to start contradicting what he tells her. Then John asks whether Zach banged her. And Zach smiles. Holy shit! Well, I guess I was wrong about not making the speech before. Maybe making the speech first is the key. It gives them something to try to overcome and make you change your mind about. Sly dog. Jose pretends to be happy for him. Zach then camera-backpedals, telling us how much he respects Crystal and blah blah bleh. Whatever. You just want to keep getting laid, fool.
Houses. Houses. Shrink. Dr. Covan tells Paula he thinks that she can be happy, and gives her a book to read called Feeling Good. He tells her to read it and to really "work" the book, which is a catchphrase I despise. Paula nods that she is "on board," and then camera-talks that Dr. Covan makes her feel really good and like it's normal to feel bad and that it's possible to feel better. Well, then, good for both of them. She gets temporarily, glibly healed, and he gets on television. Win-win!
Day. Sun. Trees. Zach picks up Paula. She tells Zach about the doctor -- how he's not trying to just "fix" her right away, and how he has really good advice. Dr. Covan told Paula she has depression, and Paula never really thought that she did. Zach camera-talks that Paula is starting down a hard road, but at least she's trying in earnest and she has support. Zach asks Paula about the diet pills, and she reports that the doctor told her the eating thing is a way to distract her from other feelings and it serves as a way for her to gain control. Or something. Paula now camera-talks that the doctor is right and she is anxious and she thinks he wants her to put some of her pent-up anxiety into other things.
Paula stands looking out at the water now. I'm feeling like the moment would be enhanced by some acoustic guitar. Wait for it.... Aw, yeah. There is it. Mellow. Paula says she's hit rock bottom and can only go up from here. She lies in bed reading the book the doctor gave her.
on.... Svet and Tyler talk about nature vs. nurture when it comes to homosexuality. Tyler then goes into the shower with a boy. Svet is shocked because she didn't think that the guy was gay. They sneak in and listen at the bathroom door. Svet now questions all the men in her life, because they could be gay, too. Yes, probably.