Tits

S17E07

(Thanks to 18bored and Lantern7 for helping me fill in the gaps from a wonky TiVo.) The kids go to a bar, where Paula flirts with a girl. Meanwhile, John busts his fratty moves on Elena, a lovely young woman who isn't at all a famewhore looking to get on TV; she and a whorish friend go home with the kids. While John and Elena later trade saliva-borne microbes in the pool, Jose gets scared by the friend's now-bared breasts and runs off to calculate the appreciation of his properties...or to look at gay porn. Meanwhile, Paula tells Svet about her abusive relationship with "Keith" back home; she had to be hospitalized one time because of his assholery. Paula then tells Keith (on the phone) that she opened up to Svet. Keith goes batshit. Svet kettles to the starving black pot that is Paula that she needs to dump the dude. Paula weeps that it's not that simple. Oh, but it is.

Previously: aw, no Previously because my TiVo cock-blocked me and I had to catch a rerun. Basically, my TiVo was perfectly set to record the show -- starting early and stopping late to account for MTV's complete disregard of time -- and it looked at what it was about to record, and said, "Eh...no." So it didn't record. I would say that my TiVo displayed good taste (if a disquieting foreshadowing to the upcoming Rise of the Machines), but it did tape Pepper Dennis, so there really is no logic there.

Bridge. Water. Boat. Sailboat. Sunset. Couple. House. House. House. The phone rings. "Keith" calls for Paula; Zach snottily answers the call and goes to roust Paula from her shame spiral. Paula tells us that Keith is some dude she is dating or once dated on and off for about three years. His scarily dead voice tells us that getting to talk to her is the only thing that makes him "okay." Well, that and, according to his expectedly ugly, chaotic, and hard-to-read MySpace page, the following things also do it for him: Sam Adams, Jack Daniels, the Red Sox, the Redskins, Dane Cook, boozing, fires by the river, skiing, cooking, not shaving, carpentry, traveling, trucks, auto racing, baseball, football, playing pool, and forcing any visitor to listen to that annoying Imogen Heap song with the robot voices. Paula tells Keith that she was about to come in and call him. She camera-bones that they had a very passionate (abusive) relationship that was both good and bad (very abusive). He slurs that he can deal with her having insecurities and worries for the rest of their lives, but what he can't deal with is her not being in his life. She then reveals to us that, yup, their relationship was indeed emotionally and physically abusive, and that she took "it" because back then she was so low she thought she deserved it. As opposed to the rock of emotional health she is now. Keith leaves off with a creepy veiled threat, saying that even if she doesn't call him, she can be "damn sure" he's going to call her. Yikes. Someone call the police.

Kitchen. Svet and Paula cook. Paula reveals that all her friends hate Keith. Svet wonders why, and Paula says, "He put me in the hospital." Well, hey. That's not so bad. Who hasn't put a girl or five in the hospital? Perfectly normal. Perfectly healthy. It's great that Svet is advising her about this stuff -- Svet, with the scariest televised boyfriend this side of Mother, May I Sleep With Danger?

Paula camera-talks, on the verge of tears, that Keith "lost control," and that the only way she could "gain control" (which doesn't actually make sense as a sentence but whatever, she's upset, and she's Paula) was to call the cops on him; she got him arrested and took out a restraining order on him. Well, we see how effective that's been. As Svet massacres tomatoes, Paula tells her how Keith claimed not to remember beating her up later -- only remembering that he was "pissed." Svet says that if Martin ever touched her, she'd never talk to him again. Paula says that she felt that way at one point, too -- except her self-esteem is clearly so low she's abandoned that plan. Paula goes on to tell us, somewhat cryptically, that she wasn't talking to Keith for a while, but then he got in touch with her through a friend and she opened up the lines of communication, adding that she probably shouldn't have, because she'd be in a better place right now if she hadn't. Triple yikes! There is some low-talking, and then Paula basically tells us that her friends and family don't know she still talks to Keith because if they did, she'd have to convince them that it was okay, and she's not even sure it is. She compares Keith to a volcano which may or may never erupt. Like on the cover of Dianetics! (Which you should all buy because it will change your life! Xenu 4 Eva!)

Night. Statue. Moon. House. The kids sit around talking about Paula. Janelle, her makeup and googly eyes making her look batshit crazy, camera-talks that she wants to help Paula get over her food issues and such because Paula's such a "sweet person." Takes not one to know one, I guess. Paula comes out of the phone room and they all stop talking, being very obvious about it. Zach says that he thinks leaving Paula alone and letting her deal with her pill addiction and food problems as she's asked is a bad idea. I think your hair is a bad idea.

Paula sits outside and camera-talks that the roommates don't have the right to judge her because they don't know the whole story and she doesn't want to be the victim and she's trying to work it all out but it's hard. Well, maybe still having contact with the dude who threw you into all of this bullshit is not the best idea. Jesus, fuck! Why are some people so fucking stupid? I just yelled that and my cat turned around and meowed. Perhaps he was giving me the answer. Very helpful, but maybe time try it in English. Stupid cat.

The kids sit around babbling, having an amateur shrink session. John says some nonsense about how Paula just needs to eat, and then he wonders if Paula has some dark secret. Svet, of course, can't not say anything, but to her credit, she doesn't spill the full beans -- she just says that Paula told her something and that it's "very deep." She says that if they want to help her, they should get to know her.

By Stee

Night. Water. House. House. House. Phone room. Paula talks to Keith. Keith is mad that Paula has talked to Svet about their situation...you know, the whole abuse thingy. Paula is already hemming and hawing and not sticking to her guns. So weak. Why are people so weak? Usually the situation with bad boyfriends is grey. This is black and white! Black and white! He's a bad person and is not good for her. Not healthy. And people do not change. Not really. So ipso fucking facto, she should not be talking to him. Black and white. Like a penguin. Or Michael Jackson's sack. (Sorry, I'm just mad.) Anyway, Abuso whines to Paula that it's "awful." He says that she's gone for four months and she's going to be talking to all these people and getting all these "ideas in [her] head" and then she's going to come back having decided that they won't work out and that "sucks." WAH! Instead of just saying, "Pretty much, yup. And if you ever contact me again, I will call the police and ruin your life," Paula keeps the dialogue open. She says that Svet brought up something worrisome, asking what will happen the time Keith has more drinks and thinks Paula is cheating on him and beats her ass again. And instead of debating logically or promising that he'll get help, he says, "Nobody has an answer for her. I don't even have an answer for her. Yeah, it is a risk, babe. That's life." Paula then tells us the crux of the situation: "I love him but I hate myself for loving him. I can't let go of what he did and it makes me pissed. I'm just permanently, like, messed up and it's never going to go away." Here's a very important message: dump him. Someone else will love you. You might be alone for a while, but that's okay. Only in those times will you find your strength. Also, eat some food. Also, wash your hair.

Paula has now succumbed to hunger and is lying on the ground, listening as Keith tells her that she must now make a decision. He asks if she thinks he could be something she needs in her life. She whines, topping him, "See. I don't know!" Honestly, I have no time for these people. But the following sponsors do! Commercials.

Night. Street. Bars. The kids go out to cut loose. Paula says that she's being okay and fun because that's the Paula everyone wants her to be. Some girl comes up to Paula and starts dancing up on her, being the Wendy to her Lisa. And I think the water definitely is warm enough yet, because Paula tells us about the little "pixie" Hawaiian lesbian who just came up and started dancing on her. She then kisses the pixie and tells us that she likes girls in bars because they don't want anything from her. And they're most likely not going to kick your face in for flirting with another guy.

Meanwhile, John dances with a cute blonde named Elena. He finds out her dead-faced friend is named Erin and they do shots, and then suddenly John and Elena are grossly making out. Janelle witness this, and giggles. I witness this, and vomit. Elena's parents witness this, and aren't surprised.

Cab. John tells us that Elena has a slamming body and is looking to party. That almost sounds like a rap song. But with less swearing. And more John. John tells us that, therefore, for the above reasons, he has invited Elena (and friend) home with him. Sound decision.

House. Pier. Elena and John stand on the pier. She is hammered and says that she's a good girl but she's only here for one night so he must be a very special boy. Or, um, he's on the TV! Maybe that has a tiny part to do with it. Honestly, for all the laid these Real World cats gets, you'd think someone out there would get the idea to pay their friend to follow them around to bars with a video crew. (Hey, if you steal my idea and it works, you owe me, like, a percentage of the girl. Or money. Money would probably be better. Subdivides more easily.) Tyler and Janelle are watching from the deck, peeping. "Go John, go!" says Tyler. "Bust a nut." Gross.

House. Svet gets off the phone. Paula wonders if she can use the phone. Svet says not if she's going to call Keith. Paula then camera-thins that it makes her bitter that she has to call Keith ("has to call"?), because she's missing out on some of the fun things going on in the house during the calls. Eh, nothing fun is going on in the house. Svet tries to tell Paula that she understands this situation, and Paula says that she can't possibly, which is why she doesn't talk to anyone about it. Svet says she's seen it in "a funeral" and in a "black eye." Svet says that there are just certain things that are not okay. Svet camera-boobs that she thinks if anyone lays a hand on you, you never speak to them again. She acknowledges, however, that it's much easier to say than to do. Paula looks absolutely lost as Svet tells her that hitting is equal to rape and that Paula has just twisted it around to make it "okay" in her mind. Paula snaps that she doesn't have anyone to go home to -- even parents -- other than Keith. Svet thinks Keith gets power from knowing Paula's alone, and urges he to stop talking to him. "I can't," Paula whispers. Well, then I'm done with you. Wimp.

Night. Key West. Palm trees. House. Pool area. John and Elena make out and cuddle. The girls go into the bathroom and Jose sits with John, wondering if he's finally going to close the deal or not, because he'd like to go to sleep. Lonely Zach watches from the house. Heh. The girls come back, and John suggests that the girls put on some shorts and get in the pool. The girls agree. Elena and John get into the pool and Jose, as he tells us, decides to take "one for the team" and entertain Erin so that John can be alone with Elena. Well, I'm still not sure which team Jose is playing for in the first place, so this is all confusing. It gets more confusing as Jose and Erin come outside again. Erin doesn't want to get in the pool, but then all of a sudden Erin's thong is showing and she's threatening to take off her bra. Jose eggs her on, saying she won't do it, and then looks away. Heh. Of course he does. He's a "gentleman." Like Tennessee Williams was a gentleman. Commercials.

Night. House. Jose reveals to us that he dared Erin to jump into the pool. So suddenly Erin whips off her bra and drops her jeans so she's standing in just her thong. Klassy. Jose is still looking away, fiercely. Everyone laughs as Erin jumps into the pool. Jose camera-gays that she proved him wrong by jumping into the pool naked. John makes a joke about "floatation devices," and Erin displays her tits and leans half out of the pool, motioning for Jose to get in. Jose then camera-beards to us a total non-excuse: "I'm just like, man, I don't want to go into this pool." He goes on to say that he's not attracted to this girl, and he walks inside. Wow. He's probably heading to see what Tyler's up to. Poor Erin is left alone. She calls him a pussy and then says something I can't understand because she's wasted and my TV is four inches. Just like Jose!

Night. Moon. Erin's ass. Erin's ass. She towels off. John and Elena have the awkward post-non-sex conversation in which she asks if he wants her to come back. He babbles, clearly not interested. Saucy Erin then says that she has to get up early, and apologizes for cock-blocking but, as she says, "It's not like you were getting anywhere, anyway." Hee! Love this girl, and not just for the ass or the outing of Jose. Okay, well, yes.

Taxi. The female cab driver makes a joke about John having two girls for her to pick up. John pathetically camera-talks about missing female company and so this was nice. Wah! I think your purple headband is too tight.

Morning. Houses. Key West. House. Kitchen. John tells the others about making out with Elena all night, joking about how far he got, but they cut it out so we can't tell. Then John busts Paula for kissing the girl at the bar and we have to witness that again. The others are shocked. Paula then camera-Indigos that she thinks girls are attractive but that it doesn't make her a lesbian. She goes on to tell the others that she would admit more, but that she just can't really remember what exactly went down. Well, that's the great thing about being a famewhore and going on shows like this. You can just check the tape!

Driving. FORD! Driving. John talks to Tyler about Paula kissing the girl. Tyler says he thinks that Paula could be bisexual, but that, really, she just will take affection and attention from whoever gives it to her. John thinks he can pick out a gay guy every time. Tyler says he has some gay friends who could fool John. Yeah, and one of them is named Jose.

Day. Statue. Sunset. Boats. Clouds. House. Paula talks to Keith. The volcano is starting to erupt and he's yelling that she promised to call him last night and that she's lying to him about a lot of things -- things he says he's found out. She asks what he means, and he says, "Jen." We then see footage from Paula's casting tape: basically, Jen is a girl Paula had a little thing with after the beat-down; Jen is in love with Paula and wants to be with her. Sigh. Back to phone room, where Keith is yelling, "I can't deal with this and you're not helping with your behavior!" Wow. He goes on to say, in the most stupid fucking whiny little voice, "So if you want to take our relationship seriously, you change! You change real fast." And to her credit, Paula stops him and says that he can talk to her, but not like this. He quickly apologizes, saying that he's "a little bit fired up right now." She tells him to "fire down." He whines that she's not putting herself in his position, and that last night "broke" him. What? Not getting to talk to her for one night? He says that he had "problems" last night. Paula cryptically says that he's going deeper into all of his "vices" while she's trying to get better and going to see a counselor. This immediately scares him, and he asks her what she means. She says that she's seeking counseling. The freaky control freak that Keith is doesn't like that, and he yells, "Not down there, babe!" What? She goes on to say that they're both all screwed up, and how can they be good for each other? He says he can't imagine spending his life with someone else, and she says, "no offense," but that with the "way" he is currently, she can't imagine spending her life with him. He says that this isn't who he is; she urges him to be who he is even when she's away, and he yells that he can't be that "strong" all the time. I have no idea what the fuck they're talking about. Did it ever occur to one of the segment producers that some cut-ins or voice-overs might help flesh out their conversation here? No? Didn't think so. Keith whines that he's "only human." Barely.

Night. House. Moon. Lights. Motorcycles. Guy sleeping on his motorcycle. House. Paula talks to Svet, saying that Keith can't live without her. Svet says that's not normal. Paula agrees, and, eating the shit out of a salad (good for you!), says that she knows and that's why she told him he needs to get his shit together before they even think of being together. No, she didn't really, but whatever. Svet then asks Paula if it makes her nervous talking to Keith, since she knows she's "doing something wrong" by speaking with him. Confused, Paula asks why she would feel bad. Svet breaks it down: "Because you know this guy could kill you." Paula, who is licking her fork like it's a short Hawaiian girl in a bar, yanks it from her mouth and whines, instantly upset, "Stop saying that." She tells Svet to "drop it," and then says she doesn't care about herself, but that she does care about Keith, even if she shouldn't. Paula then camera-morons that Keith needs her, and that each just wants the other to be happy, and isn't that what love is? No. Love is not being a drunk, idiotic, manipulative, abusive, fuckface with a stupid MySpace page, dumb friends, and a penchant for beating women. Svet tells Paula that she's done talking about it, and now she sees why this has been going on for so long and that she's impossible to get through to. Svet camera-talks that if Paula continues to be with Keith, Svet's going to have to stop being close to her, because she can't stand to see what Paula is doing to herself. Then Paula camera-talks that it's not that easy to change, and that she's mad at Svet. Paula finishes her salad and gets up. Svet's boobs keep her weighted in place.

By Stee

: the kids dive. A storm moves in. Then John and Paula have a drunken argument over John thinking Paula "stole" one of his girls at the bar. Heh.