The kids work on setting up their Mystic Tan franchise. Tyler is mean to Svet. Svet starts angling to be the manager of the crap salon. But...Zach also wants to be manager! Lordy, how will this mounting conflict resolve itself? Meanwhile, Tyler joins a swim team so that he can hang out with other people aside from his roommates; he reveals that he has daddy issues. Who doesn't? The kids do a Sidekick commercial, after doing their Ford commercial for the week. Jose and Tyler hang out. Jose reveals to us that the roommates haven't gotten to know Tyler as they should. Tyler thinks that he deserves his cockiness; he decides to wants to get into triathlons. So he does one...minus the biking part. (In other words, he does a biathlon.) The kids cook for their boss, and then argue about who will be manager. It's everyone against Svet, basically. Zach wins. Jose will be assistant manager. Svet cries. She sulks and then snottily shirks all of her job duties.
Message to MTV.com: I understand that there are no scripts for reality shows, and thus, most episodes don't have titles from initial conception, printed on everything from video reels to computer files to to press notes. However, if you're going to decide to create titles and post them on your website, do it. You have made that decision -- to write "recaps" for the episodes and post the titles on your hideous browser-freezing website -- and so it is now a duty that must be performed by someone. We can agree about that, right? The problem is that whomever you've assigned to do it sucks. The titles are always posted late -- and sometimes, as it happened last season, not at all. And it's not like you have big creative MTV.com meetings to pitch episode titles -- conference calls with producers from the show. Because these titles clearly have been given minimal thought. I give my fake episode titles more thought, and they're awful. Here's my guess as to the assigning of the episode titles: twenty-three-year-old Production Assistant Nicole drives her 1999 Hyundai Sonata from her apartment in North Hollywood over the hill to the MTV.com offices (listening to Star 98.7 the whole way, which she feels is way better now that they've gotten rid of that horrible Bonaduce guy). She makes her way up to the offices and unlocks the big double wooden doors, collecting the trades from where they've been stuck through the mail slot. She spends a few minutes going around opening the offices, making coffee in the kitchen, and putting out the Entenmann's coffee cake with paper plates and plastic knives. Then she fires up her computer and fucks around with her MySpace page for a while. As the first few employees arrive, she realizes that she has yet to make up a title for the episode and quickly posts one, having "forgotten" to watch the episode last night but she's sure no one will know because frankly, ever since they haphazardly assigned her this job, no one has so much as mentioned it again. It's kind of spooky, actually. She could probably not put up a title at all one week, or put up something horribly inappropriate, like "Boobies" or "Tyler Likes Penis" (her roommate Brian thought up that one, and it still makes her giggle). Then she gets bored and pours herself some coffee and eats half the Entenmann's which launches her into a shame spiral which will only be momentarily broken when the ugly-cute editor comes by her cubicle and flirts with her for a while.
Or maybe that's just how my first PA job in Hollywood went, minus the editor. (Okay, fine. Including the editor.)
Previously. Mystic Tan lecture. John was looking forward to girls coming in to tan. Svet was in charge of finance. She cried in the closet about Tyler being mean to her. Tyler defended himself to Zach, telling Zach that he needs to "grow a pair." Or maybe he said "Cut your hair," and we all misheard it.
Credits. Water. Fishing. Kayak. Paula hides among the palm trees. Svet's dead face.
Water. Water. Moped. Gallery. The kids are painting and working. Zach camera-fros that they have to build the booths and paint and get weeks worth of work done in a very short length of time. Montage of building. They clearly have help, as we see random workers in the shots. Svet bitches, criticizing the paint colors. Tyler yells at her for not working, and then camera-queens that sometimes when Svet talks he wants to get a knife and start cutting himself. (Me too! But when you talk. And Janelle. And Zach. Everyone.) I wish Tyler would follow through on that impulse. Tyler continues to bitch at Svet. Svet camera-brats that Tyler thinks he's better than everyone else and predicts that, someday, he will get an enormous reality check. Yes, he will get his enormous reality check from BMP right after the show is finished. And he'll blow it all on tank tops and Michelle Kwan DVDs.
Ricky Croft, the housemates' boss, is there. The Graphic of Stupid tells us that he is the "Vice President" of Mystic Tan. Man, holmes needs a need lawyer if he invented the stupid fucking place and still couldn't even get made EVP or President or C-something-O. Maybe it's 'cause he refuses to shave and dresses like he isn't forty-seven with three kids. Ricky asks Svet if they need to go to the bank. They do. Svet camera-talks that she volunteered to be head of finance to better display to everyone that she has the necessary skills to be made manager. She doesn't.
Jose, Ricky, and Svet go to the bank. Ricky babbles about why they need a manager. Svet camera-talks some boring prattle about how her parents started some imaging center and she proved herself and is now the manager of that place (I so call bullshit on that. No way is she manager. She may stand behind the counter and Xerox insurance cards. But they probably make her use the Xerox machine without toner and constantly have to tell her she's doing a "super job!") More driving in their FORD! Svet says that she's "always been a manager," so it will be awkward if she isn't made manager of the tanning place. Were her words recorded in the wrong order, because that doesn't even make sense. "Always been a manager"? Always been an idiot.
Gallery. The kids eat. Ricky teaches them that the goal of life is to make money. They decide to meet on Sunday night to decide the manager thing.
Driving. FORD! The boys drive. Tyler declares a fatwa on the notion of Svet being their manager. Zach decides that he wants to be manager, too. Ooh, so mean. Let Svet be manager if it'll shut her up. Tyler camera-talks that Zach actually listens to other people and Svet doesn't.
Night. Water. House. Zach and Svet hang out on the couches. Zach, clearly enjoying tormenting Svet, casually says that he wants to be manager, and that they all already discussed it and everyone thinks it's a good idea. Svet can't believe he's serious, and says she already talked to Ricky about it when they went to the bank. Zach calmly says that she can't just "go to the bank" with someone and become manager. "Are you serious!" bug-eyes Svet. Svet camera-talks that Zach has never even had a job in his life. Svet continues to make no sense, telling the jovial -- and, yes, fucking-with-her -- Zach that she's the manager, and that if he wants to "take that away from [her]".... Zach says that people like him and that they'll listen to him. Svet says that he has no backbone, and that at least she'll stand up to people and say what she feels. Zach suddenly gets serious, telling us that Svet is dismissing him and making him feel like she really doesn't respect him -- and after all the times he stood up for her. Svet then tries a really mature tactic, saying that if Zach campaigns to be manager, she won't talk to him. I wonder if that tactic works in the real business world. "Jensen, if this merger doesn't go through, I'm going to hold my breath and stamp on the floor really hard!" She adds that if she's not manager, she's going home. Yes! Commercials.
Back. Night. House. House. Alarm. 5:30 AM. Tyler gets up and drives to a pool. As we see him climb into the pool, he voice-overs, that he used to be a very good competitive swimmer and thanks god he's found this swim team to join because it'll be his chance to get away from his roommates and be around other people.
Day. House. Tyler talks to his dad on the phone, telling him that he joined the swim team. His dad seems excited for him. Tyler camera-talks that his dad and brothers are big hockey players and that he tried it and "here was this little fag" skating on the ice. Heh. He says that it sucks getting up early for this swim thing, but whatever. Then there's this weird little voice-over where Tyler either says about or to his dad, "I'm as much of an athlete as I can be for you, Dad." Wow, who in this house doesn't have eating and Daddy issues, raise your hand. Yeah, no one.
The kids eat breakfast. Weird, pointless montage.
They drive their FORD! Also pointless; weird.
Gallery. The kids are trying to measure out forty feet of carpet, so John gets the bright idea to lay it out across the street. Cars honk. One motorcycle chick is sick of waiting and rides right across the carpet, leaving a tire print. Biker chicks love leaving stains on carpet. Ew!
Gallery. Sweeping. Svet and Zach are separately campaigning for manager. Ricky gives the kids T-MOBILE SIDEKICKS! so that they can keep in touch with him. Heh. They're not even trying to mask all their product placements. Very nice work.
Night. Pier. Jose and Tyler have a little bonding moment. Tyler's lips are weird. He always looks like he's hoarding some chewing tobacco. Tyler babbles that he's having a hard time and feels isolated, but at the same time he thinks: how dare he complain because he's so lucky to be there. Jose camera-brows that no one has taken the time to really get to know Tyler. Well, duh. It's the same reason no one tries to hug a cactus. Tyler goes on to tell Jose that people wonder why he wears a mask of "pretension," and he says it's because he's "earned it." Yikes. I'm not sure he meant that word, but he certainly meant the bitchy sentiment behind it. Yeah, wow, I really feel close to you know, holmes. Tyler camera-brags that he's "very driven" and worked hard to get from a farm in North Dakota to attend "one of the most fantastic universities in the United States." He brags on about how proud he is of himself and how hard he's worked. Jose tries to relate the conversation to himself, but Tyler won't be having any of that. Jose is immediately forced to go back to talking about Tyler, as he says, "What you said just now, it's amazing." Oh, get a room.
Day. Driving. Numbers. Tyler. Water. Tyler gets into the water with a bunch of other people, as he voice-overs that he's trying to get into triathlons and is taking "baby steps" to achieve that goal. Swimming. Swimming. Crap music plays as Tyler swims. Swimming. He's out first and puts on his shoes and starts running. He then tells us that he doesn't have a bike, so he's just participating in the first two parts! Heeeeeee.
Tyler gets home and brags to Paula that he "easily" won the swimming part. "That's great!" shouts Paula, her volume control clearly having been eaten by her own starving body. He gets a trophy. Paula yells some more. Tyler can't resist making a snotty comment.
Kitchen. Svet whines about needing more pans for the chicken she's about to cook. Zach camera-torahs that they're having Ricky for dinner and that it's going to be just another one of their dinners with too much food and tears. Svet cooks. Cooks. Paula lovingly washes cucumbers with her hands. Heh. Janelle snottily camera-talks, bitching about Svet's cooking, saying that she gets all power-trippy with it. John tells her, "Seriously, Fitz, you turn into a Nazi with this stuff." Doesn't he know Svet is Jewish? That's cold. Zach tells her to calm down, but she feels that they must have the food ready immediately when Ricky arrives. Svet pours honey all over her chicken. Zach arranges some nuts. Heh.
Ricky arrives. Hugging. Hugging. Cooking. The kids sit and toast. Eating. Eating. Janelle. Ricky. Pie. Now it's turned into a business meeting, and they discuss who is in charge of what and whether they'll be getting business cards. Svet then asks Ricky what the "definition" of "manager" is, and Ricky starts talking and John whines, wondering why Svet is so fixated on this whole manager thing. Svet is clearly trying to get some narrowly-defined position of manager (fewer duties or something) but Ricky (once again cryptically and confusingly, because this show is edited about as carefully as the Penny Saver) says that, no, he won't allow a narrower definition. John tells Ricky that the majority of people have decided that Zach would make a good manager. Naturally, Svet protests, saying she didn't agree to that. Jose camera-talks for her side, arguing that Svet has experience and would therefore make a good manager. Zach doesn't have the experience, Jose adds, but he gets along with everyone. Paula tries to defend Svet in front of everyone. They all start discussing the matter, and then Tyler busts in and says that this discussion is ridiculous, because they all already privately voted for Zach. Speaking of ridiculous, now Svet starts yelling that this is unfair and personal and that only three of them don't like her and they're sabotaging her chances. John says it's not true: nobody likes her. No, just kidding; actually, he says that everyone likes her and that she's being paranoid. Ricky calls for a vote. I call for a pillow and some Sominex. Commercials.
Back. House. Night. Svet bitches on that Zach shouldn't be manager. She denies that she's having a tantrum. More yelling and arguing. Ricky says that they have to move on to the step. They make a final vote: Zach is manager. Ricky says he's sure that Zach will do a good job. I find it confusing that Zach even wants to do it in the first place. It just seems like extra work, and that's valuable time he could be combing his hair, or fishing pointlessly from the dock, or hanging out with his boring bartender girlfriend. Now they vote for Vice-President, and people nominate Jose. Ooh, burn. Svet looks crushed. Tyler camera-brats that Jose is very good with business. Zach kindly nominates Svet and then makes a speech on her behalf. They vote. It's Jose. Zach camera-talks that it's hard to see Svet so upset. Not for me. Sad music plays as Svet gets up and leaves the table and Ricky thanks them for dinner. He leaves.
Sad music. Sad music. Svet cleans the table. Zach stares. Svet goes upstairs. Zach sits at the computer and writes out his terrible "Goals" as manager.
Meanwhile. Downstairs, the kids are drunk and run around like morons. Svet is in the phone room weeping to Awful Mafia Boyfriend that Zach won and that she has to be in charge of finance. She says that it's a joke, because she can't even add. Oh, well then. She would have made a great manager for a business! She wipes her snot as Awful Mafia Boyfriend tells her that she just needs to do her job. Great advice! She weeps that they're doing this "on purpose," adding, "I hate it." Hee.
Ooh, are you guys going to see the awful/awesome-looking CGI-slug movie, Slither? Oh no, it doesn't have anything to do with The Real World. I just needed to talk about something that I'm actually excited about for a second. All right. Sigh. Back to this.
Svet camera-boobs that she doesn't want to be manager anymore; instead she wants her roommates to "see what they did." The fuck?
Zach and Paula are having a couch business meeting. Svet marches in and hands them a sheet of paper, and then goes back upstairs. The kids discuss what she did: basically, she handed back her list of Mystic Tan duties. Heh. She really is five, because we now see that she's just gone upstairs and is listening from her doorway to see what they say about her petty actions. Does she actually think someone is going to say, "You know what, guys? She was right. This shows me that she would actually be an awesome manager. I don't know what we were thinking!" She's a dumb cockslap and I hope she cries her silicone out.
Pier. Jose tells Janelle and John about Svet giving back her list of tasks. They all talk. "Are you kidding me?!" says John. Jose says that he'll take care of it. Janelle says that Svet is a "brat" and that it's "annoying." As is this show. Jose says he's going to bed. I wish I could.
The B/M music supervisor once again proves himself to be a over-literal nutbasket as we see Svet looking sad to a song with the lyrics, "Just nineteen. You hit the streets. What did you find? Stay inside. And hide a while." Svet's great ass walks out of the room and goes to bed as Jose camera-brows that he thinks Svet would make a "great" manager, but that the "respect" just isn't there.
time: Svet and Zach get into a fight over the tanning salon. Tyler tells us that Svet can't get over the fact that she's not manager, and that they're all going to confront her. Svet weeps to Martin on the phone that she hates it here. "Then come home," he says. Yes! Do that.