Wes worries about his "relationship" when some obviously blind girl kisses him at a club, and in front of Wren. DrunkDanny boy-crushes on Wes as they weave home; Danny is tired of playing "husband" to Melinda, and then unwisely chooses to eat pizza pie instead of Melinda pie when offered both. The crew goes camping on a dude ranch (WTF?!) with cool cowboy Larry, trading in their hot tubs and drunken walks of shame and 6th Street clubbing for bunk beds and horses and campfire songs. Danny and Melinda have the "do you have doubts?" conversation for the trillionth time. (Oh, turns out that they have a hot tub at the dude ranch, too. I guess they're not truly roughing it, despite the fact that they have to pick up cow poop in their one ranchy escapade.) Wes makes a "decision" to break up with Wren; it would be interesting to find out if she has any idea that they've been going out. Wow, they leave the dude ranch after about ten minutes; that was a mega-failure of a mission. Somewhere, the Ghost of Bunim is pissed. A club. More nonsense with Wren and pasty Wes. Zzzz. DannyMelinda. DannyMelinda. Crying. Danny feels trapped. Not only is he dumb and making no sense, he's repeating himself. Danny's broke-ass eye socket must be digging into his brain.
So, before we get started, I'd just like to thank the extraordinary Kim for all her hard years of service keeping you up to date with the goings-on of The Real World skank and skankettes. She sure set the bar high. It has no doubt been hard, and she deserves tons of respect, not to mention this lifelong break from ever again having to type the following:
Previously on The Real World, Wes drunkenly told the blank-faced and embarrassed Wren that he could "change" for her. Melinda drunkenly confronted Danny about his post-Mommy funeral coldness toward her. I'm pretty sure I could safely set a macro to insert the world "drunkenly" before any verb in these recaps, and be accurate. Melinda camera-talked that Danny keeps backing off. Danny drunkenly lamented to Wes the limited pussy-gathering opportunities he's had here in Austin with Melinda's former-stripper-pussy usually blocking his view of others. And...credits. If you need them recapped...you're not a real fan of the show!
Austin. Cars. Shots of downtown. Ah, Austin. I have good memories of that place, because it's the city in which I met queso, Amy's Ice Cream, and my wife (not necessarily listed in order of importance). Austin. Austin. The warehouse. Danny showers, water dripping in a craggy line off his broken eye hole. Melinda and Johanna play on the computer (no doubt looking at Melinda's recently much-passed-around boob shots on the internet). Danny camera-whines that his thing with Melinda has been fast, and that he feels like he both doesn't know her and is married to her. Hey, that's how I felt about queso when I first had it, but I can tell you, there wasn't a thing to worry about. I knew that over time queso and I would share and experience everything. And sure, I'd be tempted to dip my tortilla chips into other delicious spicy bowls of hot cheese, but I would never do it. Because queso and I made an unspoken commitment from that first bite. I mean, me and my wife did. Wait. I'm confused now.
Mel and Johanna have shut down the porn and are now looking at the website of some dude ranch thing called Rancho Cortez, reading about the activities. Mel camera-talks that she's never been to a dude ranch before and is excited. As she does whenever she feels excited, she goes to find the naked Danny. She hands him the brochure of the ranch and tells him they're going to go "camping," and that she did "research" and found the joint by herself. Danny's broken eye hole couldn't care less. He camera-talks some more about Melinda -- get ready because this shit is a refrain we're going to be hearing a lot -- saying that he likes Melinda but that he doesn't want to miss out on other queso. Or something. He says he doesn't want to go camping and she boobs off in a huff, saying that Danny is "no fun." Unless he's fucking her.
Dancing-In-A- Near-Empty- Sixth-Street-Club Scene #198. The whole gang is there. Mel and Johanna dance on a pole. Man, I can't believe Melinda would dance on a pole when she's not being paid to do so. It's not like I bring my laptop out to a club. (Okay, well, not usually.) Wes's pasty, semi-Downsy face camera-Opies that he's having a drink with Wren at the bar and giving her lots of attention...and we see Wren dancing at the pole as well...and Wes dorktinues that he runs into another girl at the bar and they do a shot and suddenly this girl kisses him. (Like, anyone believes that shit for a second.) Then Wes -- creating drama out of nothing, just like a thirteen-year-old girl, except drunk and with a boy-crush on Danny instead of on the cute boy from English class -- confides in Danny that something "bad" just happened -- this girl kissed him and Wren saw the whole thing. Uh, why would that be "bad," Wes? It's not as if Wren likes you. She just likes the cameras. Danny -- hatless, for some reason -- complains that the girl isn't even "good-looking." Wow, poor girl. Wes says that there wasn't even "tongue." Even him saying that word is gross. At least we didn't have to see it this time. Danny camera-talks about how dumb Wes is and tells him to "smahten up, dood." Wicked, yeah.
Meanwhile, across the bar, Melinda and the other girls egg Wren on to being mad. Melinda -- making it all about her, of course -- camera-talks that if Danny were to live the kind of player life that Wes and Neh (pretend to) have been, she's not going to wait around. "I'm done," she lies, her pants bursting into flame just out of frame.
Danny now counsels Wes out on some window ledge or something, and then Lindsay, Wren's friend, comes over and Wes tries desperately to downplay the kiss to her. Dude, what's all over Wes's face? It can't just be lipstick. I think he has ringworm. Or Hep-C. Suddenly, Wren flies over and says, "Wes, I don't care." Ooh, burn. Wes continues to insist that it is a big deal and that they need to talk about it right now! While Wren, her bony face, always-open anorexia mouth, painted-on eyebrows, and cold, dead eyes, tries to insist that it doesn't matter to her. Wes tells us that it does. Whatever, Casper.
Danny, reciprocating Wes's boy-crush for some unknown reason -- probably because of the bone frags and Sixth street gravel still lodged in his medulla oblongata -- drunkenly tells Wes that they need to not be "bitches" for the rest of the trip. I heartily feel that that's a ridiculously optimistic goal for Wes.
Danny and Wes walk home, beyond drunk. Wes knocks over a traffic barrier and Danny, for some unknown reason, gets crazy-excited about that and then tells Wes that he looked "kinda tough" doing that. Whoa. Get a room, boys. Maybe it's fitting that they're going to a dude ranch in this episode, since they're about to act out a scene from Brokeback Mountain. They continue to weave home, Danny complaining about Wren and Melinda and saying that they should just go out by themselves some night, and that he's sick of playing husband to Mel. Wes is seriously about to boot. He bumps into a wooden scaffolding and gets mad and punches the wood. Danny laughs, enjoying watching other men punch wood.
Warehouse. Drunk. Danny has found a hat. He's also found a blonde, as Melinda is riding on his back, this time not just metaphorically. Out of the blue, she says that if he kisses another girl, she's done. Danny drops her, and Mel immediately starts backpedaling and that's the last thing Danny wanted to hear tonight. Mel camera-whores that no guy should keep a girl around feeling like she's just part-time. Oh, man, Mel. Sorry, honey, but the way you trade up at a moment's notice, get used to that feeling. Melinda, using her go-to tactic when she's upset a guy with her clinginess -- and usually a very effective one at that -- whispers, "Let's go have sex." Danny pushes her away and slurs that he's going to drink some more and eat pizza and that he's not trying to hear that; and Melinda, like a dog left holding an unthrown tennis ball in its mouth, whimpers and drunkenly stumbles off to go lick her wounds...if you want to call it that. (Gross.)
Drunk and sporting her usual Blade Runner hair, Johanna is psyched that they're going camping. Melinda waddles out of the room. Commercials.
Morning. Austin. Boys sleep. Wes camera-talks that, shocker, he's hung over and wants to sleep all day. Danny jokes that the girls should go camping and that they'll stay there. Melinda gets ready, camera-talking that this weekend could either be really fun or very shitty. They all load up the SUV. Wes whines that he doesn't want to ride up there or camp or ride horses or anything. Dude, I don't want to recap your mindless blatherings but you don't hear me complaining. Wait -- yes, yes you do. Never mind.
Horses. Cows. Nettles. Tractors. Driving. They arrive at the ranch. Larry, a grizzled, Carlin-looking dude, welcomes them and then cracks a joke. He shows them around the little guest house on the big empty ranch where he lives. It looks...wow, very boring. Quick montage of choosing beds. Horses. Horses. Larry introduces them to his young daughter and then tells Melinda to "mount" a horse, after she claims she knows how to ride. She's just good at mounting other things. Mel camera-talks that she hasn't ridden a horse in two years but -- and this is hands down the dumbest simile of all time -- it's like riding a bike. Johanna and Rachel say only slightly less dumb things to each other, and then Lacey complains that she doesn't like horses because she's so small and they're so big. And then Larry tells Melinda to "stand up in the saddle" -- exactly the direction Danny gave her the other night. She demurs, but he eggs her on and she does it. Everyone claps lethargically. Montage of horse-riding. Horse-riding. Dogs run around. Wes says he wants to rob a bank. Danny one-ups his non-joke, saying, "I want to rob a train." Ha. Huh?
Night. Campfire. Larry asks if everyone here is single, and someone jokes that Danny isn't. He tells them to shut up. Larry sings a song about being single. It's the one about spurs that jingle and jangle and stuff. "Good song," says Danny, really into it. Seriously, someone needs to fix the bone chunks in his brain. Larry sings. Melinda sits on his lap, looking disturbed.
Melinda and Danny are left alone in front of the fire, and Danny talks about how great it feels being with her, and did things happen too fast? She doesn't think so and says that it feels "right." Danny is such a tool. Sure, she's sort of ho-ey, but all Danny does is hem and haw and "talk" about their relationship and whether it's a good thing. Melinda should sleep with Larry. That would shut Danny up. Well, and Larry, too, probably. Mel then camera-skanks, her Fargo accent crazy out here in the woods, that she likes to deal with things as they happen, while Danny likes to know the outcome. She says she wants Danny as her boyfriend. Get in line after Wes, sister.
6:30 AM. Larry and daughter come to wake up the kids. Wes groans from his bunk bed, "This is going to be the worst day ever." He got an hour's sleep. What do these people do all night? Is Wes a vampire? At least that would explain his obvious total lack of exposure to the sun. Lacey makes a crack to the effect that she's in hell. I know the feeling, Mac Tonight.
Outdoors. The kids all meet Larry, who is about to give them a chore. Someone says that they're going to have to pick up "dookie." Danny says that if it has anything to do with crap, he's not doing it. Larry jokes, "Listen, let me tell you something. Life's full of crap, okay? You have to learn to deal with it." Wes tells us he hates Texas.
The kids rake up manure with "muck rakes" and put it in a barrow. Larry throws poop at Wes. Then he throws poop at Danny, who treats Larry quite nicely and with deference. He's a good kid; he just has terrible taste in hats, fighting partners, and girls. More shit jokes and more shit throwing.
Night. The boys stand around eating popcorn and talking about having "spurs." Neh says that Wes had spurs until he met Wren. Wes Begley Jr. smiles. Neh adds that Wes acts like a "bitch" around Wren. Neh then camera-dumbs that he lost both of his wingmen in Danny and Wes already, and that it bums him out. Wes announces that his spurs are jangling again as he and Wren are taking a break. The great thing is that I'm sure Wren has no idea about that or that there was anything to take a break from in the first place, and neither Neh nor Danny seem to give a crap either. Wes camera-whites that he's down here for a short time: why should he put all his time and energy (and pasty Shmoo cock) "into one person." The male View continues in the hot tub (WTF?! Hot tub? How the fuck is this "camping"?) as the boys drink beer and Danny blahs about Wes and Wren versus him and Melinda and other girls and whatever. Neh camera-talks that Danny wants his cake and wants to eat it too (as opposed to what, having cake and just fucking looking at it?); that he wants to hit on girls and if he strikes out be able to then climb into bed with Mel. Wes babbles. Danny babbles. It's all so bad Friends spec. Danny camera-talks about the tiny part of him that isn't sure about Mel. You know what I'm sure of? I can't hear this shit anymore. Luckily...commercials!
Bulls. Dogs. Wes. Melinda. Lacey. Larry says goodbye to them. Wow. That was the wackest, most pointless trip ever. Johanna camera-lies that she liked the ranch, because they had something to do and didn't just party and it brought them together. Yeah, wow. I can tell. With all the obvious togetherness.
Warehouse. Melinda is on the phone telling her friend about the spurs song and how Lacey and Rachel overheard Danny explaining to Wes that he has jangling spurs now. Huh? Mel says that it pisses her off.
Wes and Danny and some boys are walking to the clubs. Wes says he didn't bring any money and that he's just going to go up to the first ugly girl he sees and tell her to buy him a drink. The boys laugh...probably because they know he'll be going thirsty all night.
Dizzy Rooster. Melinda makes some weird "sexy" chopping motions with her mouth. Danny. Wes. Rachel. Johanna. Neh can't find "bitches." Wren arrives. Everyone greets her. Then Wes does, after trying to act cool. Wes camera-pales that he wants to hang with other girls...but at the same time he is driven towards Wren. What a chump. Now Rachel and Wren and maybe Johanna are dancing on the bar, and Wes watches, and then we get shot of Austin and the capital and then they're home.
Warehouse. Wes is babbling drunkenly to Rachel about staring at some other girl even while he was hugging Wren tonight. She angrily says, "Welcome to the life of having a penis." Why "Welcome"? Did he just get a penis for the first time? They drunkenly talk about men never being satisfied and then they both separately run into bathroom stalls to pee. Ha. Funny end of the scene.
Day. Warehouse. Melinda is on the computer again. Danny watches her. Mel is always eating. Now, in such a dumb guy move -- and I've done it too -- Danny is clearly feeling bummed because Mel has been backing off, just like he fucking wanted. Guys are fucking morons. He asks her why she's been cranky for the past three days, and she just says that she has a lot on her mind. Danny keeps asking and she tells him not to worry about it. Danny then gets pissed and walks away, saying he'll give her time to figure out whatever she's thinking about. But he can't walk away, and comes back and asks how long is it going to take. Ha. She asks him why, and he says it's going to bother him. She speaks the truth, not yelling at him, and says that he's the one confusing her and giving her stuff to think about with his not being sure about her and all. Danny's a fool. Melinda cries a little, telling Danny that it makes her feel bad to hear that he has doubts. He should hug her and apologize, not necessarily for having doubts, but for being a douche and constantly telling her about them. But instead he talks about having girlfriends in the past where things went gradually, but with Melinda they were living in the same room after three days (really?)...and see, he's just doing it all over again! Dumb-ass. Melinda says she has very strong feeling for Danny, yeah, but that she doesn't mind trying to do things slowly. Danny now incomprehensibly says that he does feel the same way about her, and that's the only reason he's not out with Wes and Neh catting around like they are every night. Or catting around in their minds. Melinda says that Danny should go out, then, and he gets mad and tries to walk away, saying that it's not about the girls. Mel is scared. Danny camera-talks that he doesn't want to hurt her. Same shit. It goes fucking on. Danny says he's scared of losing Melinda, but that he really needs to figure out what he's there in Austin to do; what he's meant to do. She now thanks him, calmly, for being honest with her. "So, what happens now?" asks Danny. Mel says that he has lots of stuff to do, and walks away. Hee. And that's it!
On the ...Danny yells at Mel and apparently he had a girl's number written on his hand and he calls her a waste of time and flings shut the curtain on the door for emphasis. Ooh. On the night street, Rachel and Danny watch in horror as a drunken Johanna is arrested. Hee. And...see you week!