Rachel's sort-of boyfriend, Erik, proves that he's not the sharpest knife in the drawer when he sends her ice cream. Through the mail. Wes and Nehemiah reveal the groupie drawer, where they keep all the phone numbers of the chicks they try to pick up in Austin. The chicks are interested in camera time, but not in bedroom time. Johanna makes a bet with Wes to prove that he can't get any girl he wants, and Wes loses the bet when he can't convince some random girl in a bar to make out with him. Rachel has a crush on Collin, a bouncer, and he's actually interested in her, and invites her out for sushi. Collin comes back to the house and he and Rachel make out for a while, until she kicks him out. Wes finds out that Collin has a girlfriend anyway, and tells Rachel. She sees Collin with his girlfriend in a bar and calls Erik to make sure she's still got him in her back pocket.
Rachel walks into the house carrying a cardboard box, and she yells to Melinda that she got her package from her boyfriend, Erik. Rachel interviews that she's nervous about the package's contents, because sometimes Erik "does some random things without really thinking very much." I totally thought it was going to be a dead puppy or something, like he tried to send her a puppy through the mail and it suffocated. Rachel tries to open the package and Melinda asks why it's wet and smelly. I think she said the same thing to Danny last night. Zing! Rachel gets the package open and realizes that Erik sent her ice cream. Through the mail. Predictably, it's a big gooey mess. Danny asks if Erik just put regular ice in the box, and Rachel says she doesn't see any ice at all. Well, duh. If he did use regular ice, it would have melted by now. Rachel explains that it's cotton candy ice cream, which is her favorite. Melinda interviews what all of us are thinking: "Who sends ice cream in the mail?"
Rachel decides to try to salvage the ice cream. Ick. She picks out the drippy boxes and sticks them in the freezer. Rachel interviews that ice cream is the way to her heart, and that Erik always encourages her to eat ice cream because he tells her that it'll "go straight to [her] booty." Rachel puts the melted ice cream in a small pan, so that the ice cream is just dripping on everything else in the freezer. I don't know who is dumber: Rachel for trying to salvage the ice cream or Erik for sending ice cream in the first place.
Rachel calls Erik and thanks him for the ice cream. He asks if it's still frozen, and she laughs that it's not at all. Erik says he spent a lot of money to pack it in dry ice, and I don't know what he did wrong, but it clearly didn't work. I think he sent it like regular mail, so it probably took a few days to get there, instead of sending it overnight or whatever. Rachel explains that she and Erik are on a break because she's never had a chance just to be single and party. Rachel thanks Erik for thinking of sending her ice cream. Rachel interviews that she loves Erik but she doesn't want to miss out on anything. In other words, she thinks she could do better, but she's not sure.
The roommates go out to a club and dance. Rachel interviews that she really misses Erik, but that she doesn't want to miss out on anything while in Austin. Here's what I don't get: why do people on this show always have to break up with their significant others in order to have fun? Why can't someone who's in a relationship go out, drink, dance, and whatever without hooking up as well? Maybe I'm just old. There's nothing wrong with wanting to hook up with other people, but I don't think it's fair to keep a boyfriend in your back pocket while you do it. Break up or stay together, but the whole "take a break" thing is bullshit. Rachel talks to Johanna about the bad luck they've had with men while in Austin.
Wes interviews that he's not attracted to Rachel, and that he meets fifty girls a night, who are just throwing themselves at him. Nehemiah talks to some girl at the bar. He interviews that he feels like he's on Spring Break, and "as a man, [he] has to take advantage of it." Yes, because otherwise he'll get kicked out of the gender. The Council of Manhood will hold a meeting, and its leader (Charlie Sheen?) will bang a gavel and say, "You had women hitting on you in order to appear on television, and you didn't hit that? You are NO LONGER A MAN! Put on a dress and change your name to Nekeisha. So it is written, and so it shall be done." And then Charlie Sheen will light a cigar and scratch his balls or something.
Nehemiah and Wes bring some chicks home. And Rachel brings home a bouncer named Collin, who is also friends with Wes and Nehemiah. They all sit around talking about various women, and how hot they are. Wes and Nehemiah both feel that they haven't topped out the hotness scale yet, and that they can find even hotter girls than they've been getting. Wes interviews that he and Nehemiah are going to have a competition to see who can hook up with the most girls. Rachel interviews that she thinks Collin is out of her league, but that she's attracted to him. Rachel gets up to go to bed, and Collin stops her for a hug first.
The day, Rachel explains to Melinda who Collin is. Rachel gushes over how Collin is "built like a rock star." Melinda can't quite place him. Rachel says that he gives her butterflies in her stomach. She laments that he's "like a 9" and she's "like a 7" and she thinks that's too far apart. Rachel's cute and all, but she's no seven. Then again, Collin is no nine. Rachel giggles that Collin's hands and feet are huge, so she figures he must be "packing." Hey, my dictionary just fell open to the entry for "Trying Too Hard" and look! There's Rachel's picture! Imagine that.
Nehemiah and Wes open "the groupie drawer," which is basically a drawer where they toss all the phone numbers they get from the ladies. Wes asks, "Who do I want to have sex with tonight?" and picks out a blank piece of paper. Heh. Also, shut up, Wes. And shut up, Nehemiah. And shut up, groupie drawer. I'm always amazed at both the fact that there are women out there so desperate to get on television that they'll pretend to be interested in the likes of Wes and Nehemiah, and that the likes of Wes and Nehemiah think that they are the attraction, and not the cameras constantly following them around. Wes pulls out a piece of paper and the two guys discuss where they got the number, and can't quite remember. Wes and Nehemiah discuss investing in a Polaroid camera so they can put photos with the numbers. I was going to say that the women would probably be insulted, but who am I kidding? They would probably flash their boobs. Sigh. Wes says that he doesn't want to call a number and have the girl end up being ugly. Because Wes is a male model. Wes worries that they'll look like assholes, and it's too late, but Nehemiah says he doesn't care.
Nehemiah and Wes head to the phone, but Lacey is using it. Wes mock-cries that he needs to use the phone. Lacey laughs at them and says, "This person? Is the love of my life. Those people? You can't even tell them apart on a Post-It!" Lacey interviews that she thinks it's ridiculous that Nehemiah and Wes invite over so many girls. This leads to a montage of Wes and Nehemiah calling numbers and apparently not getting anywhere at first. But one girl remembers Nehemiah, and says she'll call up some friends and come over. Lacey comments that the girl didn't sound like "the brightest star," and Nehemiah says that they aren't looking for bright stars. Unless by "bright stars," you mean "easily accessible vaginas." And I don't think he did.
Wes and Lacey are swimming in the pool. It cracks me up that they are using those foam noodles in a pool the size of five bathtubs put together. The entire pool is about three noodles long. It would never occur to me that such a pool might require accessories. Wes runs down and lets in the girls they just called. Lacey interviews that Wes and Nehemiah always brag that they could get any girl. The girls sit around and drink beers and talk to Danny and Nehemiah while Wes hides in the pool. Melinda interviews that she thinks Wes has no game, and that Nehemiah only has a little bit. Wes is hanging out in his wet swim trunks while the women have on, like, winter coats and stuff. Wouldn't you feel weird? Wouldn't you put some clothes on? Especially if, like Wes, you were pasty and white? Lacey interviews that neither Wes nor Nehemiah closes the deal, and we see footage of all the women leaving the house.
Nehemiah and Wes discuss their evening. Nehemiah thinks that the girls are shallow, and Wes vows to go nuts and make out with thirty girls the night.
The roommates go out to a bar. Rachel talks to Collin, who tells her that he got in a fight and got injured. Rachel goes into nurse mode and starts asking him how he's been treating his injury. She interviews that she likes a strong man. But clearly not one who understands the properties of physics, especially as they apply to ice cream and not melting. Rachel stands very close to Collin, and he kind of rubs her butt. She comments that he's flushed, probably because he's wearing a KNIT CAP in a NIGHTCLUB in TEXAS, but Collin claims that it's because of Rachel. She interviews that she feels safe with Collin, and like she can let her guard down. Rachel admits that she thought Collin was too hot for her, and points out that she's blushing. Collin asks if he can come home with her tonight, and Rachel says yes.
Back at the house, Collin introduces himself to Melinda, and I totally thought they were going for a storyline where Collin was using Rachel to try to get with Melinda. Rachel completely abandons Collin and runs into the kitchen where Johanna and Nehemiah are talking. She ignores the fact that they have a conversation going on, and whines, "I like Coooooolllliiiiiiiin. I LLLIIIIIIIIKE COOOOOOLLLLIIIIIIIINNN!" Ugh. Johanna rolls her eyes, which, word. Nehemiah finally shuts up, done in by Rachel's squealing, and Rachel says that Collin held her hand all night and told other girls to fuck off. Rachel sits there in a drunken stupor and the editors cut in footage of her kissing Collin. Still, no one is talking to her, but Rachel is undeterred as she decides that she needs to sober up enough to have conversations with Collin, "even though [she's] had conversations with him all night." Because I don't know if you heard, but he held her hand. That's practically a promise ring!
Meanwhile, Collin is talking to Nehemiah in a bedroom. Maybe those two will hook up! And I thought Nehemiah was just in the kitchen. Oh, editing. What am I doing to do with you? Anyway, Nehemiah is putting on lotion as he talks about how many girls stopped him in the bar and whispered in his ear what they wanted to do to him. I think that lotion might get put to another use in a few minutes, if you know what I mean. I'm about as subtle as Rachel.
Hey, speaking of Rachel, if she's so in love with Collin, why isn't she, you know, hanging out with him? Instead, she's telling Johanna that Collin held her hand (don't know if you heard) and that she's sure he doesn't have a girlfriend. Rachel insists that there were sparks. Johanna believes that Collin likes Rachel, but she's pretty sure that she saw him with his girlfriend. Rachel says that wasn't it.
Collin and Rachel sit on a couch. Collin says he can't believe Rachel thought he had a girlfriend. Rachel giggles. Collin asks Rachel to go out for sushi with him sometime, and Rachel accepts. Collin says he's really excited about it, and they high five. Ah, romance. The editors clearly agree, because they cut in some footage of bird, bees, flowers, trees, and the moon up above. Let me tell you 'bout it. Sorry. I had a '50s flashback for a moment.
Rachel is getting ready for her date, and says that she wants high-volume "porn-star hair." So Collin is a rock star and she's a porn star? That actually works in a Tommy Lee and Pam Anderson way. Not that Pam Anderson is a porn star (for pay), but she sure looks like one. Anyway, Johanna thinks that a sushi date calls for "classy and delicate," though I'm not sure Rachel can pull off either of those things. Lacey straightens Rachel's hair, and I just remembered that Lacey is a hair stylist. How awesome would it be to have a hair stylist roommate who could do your hair on important days? I've always said that when I get rich, I'm going to hire someone to just wash and style my hair every day, because I hate doing it, and I suck at it. Rachel interviews that she's excited and nervous. Johanna interviews that she's never seen Rachel take so much time to get ready.
Lacey answers the door, and Collin walks in wearing a suit coat over a button-down shirt, and a baseball cap. He looks weird. Especially since Rachel is wearing a lingerie top, so one of them isn't dressed appropriately for the weather. In a confessional, Rachel says that she's nervous and excited, and she's happy that she met someone cool. I think that might be the first confessional of the season! Weird. I wonder if the roommates just don't do them enough, or if they don't say anything relevant to the storylines. Danny plays dad and tells Collin to have Rachel home by 11, and Rachel giggles.
What sounds like the opening to the overture of every Broadway show from the '50s and '60s plays as Rachel and Collin walk down the street holding hands. It's very generic mid-century "on the town" type music. In a confessional, Rachel says that, in the past, her pattern has been "kissing, sex, then dinner out, then boyfriend and girlfriend," so she's excited to go out on a date like a grown-up. I don't know that many grown-ups that go on dates either, but then again, I'm old. As I've mentioned.
Rachel and Collin arrive at the sushi restaurant. They drink some sake. Dinner ends and Collin gives Rachel a piggyback ride home. Because that's what you do on a grown-up date. Also? They're both drunk, and Collin nearly falls down a few times. Man, I wish he fell down. That would have been awesome.
Back at the house, Rachel lies on top of Collin and says that she likes him. Collin guesses that she doesn't want things to go too fast. Now Collin is wearing a basketball jersey. Did he have that on underneath the rest of his clothes or something? He is Layer King. He can do anything! They intercut scenes of Rachel urging Collin to come with her into the bedroom with interviews of Rachel saying that she's been totally honest with Collin that she has a boyfriend but that they're on a break. Rachel urges Collin to get into bed with her, clarifying that they're not going to have sex, but that she just wants to talk. In the bed. So they start making out, to the surprise of no one, including both Rachel and Collin.
And now it's time for the Most Awesome Thing I Saw On TV Last Week. The most awesome thing I saw on TV last week was a television movie called Mother Knows Best. It starred Maggie Seaver from Growing Pains as the mother of Emily Valentine from . And Maggie was all rich and snooty and stuff and was always bugging Emily to find a good man and get married. And Emily worked as a nurse so Maggie was always telling her to marry a doctor, although it does seem kind of weird that the family was so rich and lived in a mansion and then Emily worked as a hospital nurse. It just doesn't seem like a profession that someone from a wealthy family would have, but maybe she had a calling or something. So anyway, Maggie totally responds to a personal ad in the paper and sets Emily up on a date with Jake from Melrose Place, and of course Emily is all annoyed at first but she ends up falling in love with Jake, who is a mechanic who owns his own shop. And Maggie is all pissed off because she doesn't want her daughter dating some dude who works with his hands, even though Maggie set it up in the first place. So Maggie does various things to try to get Emily to break it off with Jake, but they don't work, and Emily and Jake end up getting married and having a baby and cutting all ties with Maggie, who gets really nutty and decides to hire a hit man to kill Jake. And the whole time all this is going on, there's this really bloopy music in the background, like it's a slapstick comedy or something, and I think they were going for a To Die For vibe, but it just didn't work out. So the hit man Maggie hires turns out to be a cop, but they need to pretend Jake was killed so that Maggie will pay the money and they can arrest her, so Emily has to call Jake's mom and say that Jake is dead to keep the charade going, which seemed kind of mean and unnecessary. But then Maggie gets arrested and Jake and Emily live happily ever after and it was all based on a true story, and it was awesome.
Suddenly, Collin is walking out the door and Rachel sees him out. Rachel interviews that she didn't kiss Collin that much because he was drunk and she was tired. Rachel gets back into bed alone.
At some point later, Wes and Lacey discuss what happened. Wes says that he knew Rachel would screw it up. Lacey relates that Collin got out of bed and angrily said, "I really liked you," and Rachel bitched that she was tired and Collin left. Which is totally not what we saw, but whatever. Lacey says that she talked to Rachel about it and said that Rachel finally found someone who liked her and she treated him like garbage. Wes says, "'Get off me, I'm done. I'm going to bed.' She's treating this like a man." I'm so confused about why we didn't get to see what actually happened, because we know they had cameras in there. It's making me doubt what Lacey and Wes are saying. Wes wonders how Rachel will react. Lacey predicts that Rachel will act like she doesn't care, and in a few days, she'll be bitching that no one likes her. Lacey demonstrates how this will make her feel by pretending to puke. Girl, I feel you.
Danny asks Wes if he's going out, and Johanna says that Wes has to, because he has something to prove. Danny asks what they're talking about, and Johanna explains that they have a bet. She gets to pick a girl "from the 8 to 10 category" and Wes has fifteen minutes to make out with her for ten seconds. If Wes fails, then Johanna gets to pick "a 5 or a 6," and Wes has to make out with her. Do people seriously rate other people on a scale of 1 to 10? Outside of bad teen movies featuring, like, young James Spader as a slimy preppy who treats women like slabs of meat? Johanna says that they are all trying to show Wes that he's not as great as he claims.
At the bar, Johanna makes her choice: a woman named Reesa, who is not that cute. I mean, she's cute, but she's not all that. She looks a bit like that Kelly Monaco who won Dancing With The Stars. Wes tries to tell Reesa that he needs to kiss her for some trumped-up reason, and she says she's not going to do it. Ultimately, Wes loses the bet, to the surprise of no one, including probably Wes.
Rachel, Lacey, and Johanna stand on the sidewalk. Lacey asks if Rachel is going to talk to Collin or not. Lacey needs to get a life so that she won't be so interested in Rachel's lame escapades. Rachel says that Collin won't be working until the evening, and that she plans to visit him then. In a confessional, Rachel says that the incident with Collin was atypical for her. Lacey tells Rachel to explain that she wasn't "treating him like a dude," and that her actions were inappropriate. I think Lacey's trying to say that Collin might think Rachel was using him. Do you think Collin really cares if Rachel was using him? I don't think so. Lacey orders Rachel around some more, and Rachel just agrees with her. Look, I'm bossy. It's why I'm a teacher; I get to tell people what to do all day long and they have to, or I'll fail them. But I still think Lacey is being annoying, and I want to like Lacey, because I don't like anyone else on the show really. So, cut it out.
Wes talks on the phone with his friend Crystal, who is apparently someone he met in Austin. Crystal asks if Rachel and Collin are still together, and Wes says that Rachel will probably screw it up. Crystal ends up revealing that Collin has a girlfriend, and that he's not that interested in Rachel.
Rachel gets home, and Wes pulls her aside. He tells her that Collin has at least one girlfriend. Rachel doesn't look all that surprised, but is maybe faintly disgusted. Wes jokes that he wasn't going to tell Rachel because he knew she would screw up the relationship anyway, and Rachel laughs and thanks him.
Rachel goes out and sees Collin hanging out with his girlfriend. Collin isn't trying to hide his girlfriend from Rachel, so I have no idea what happened there. Rachel totally stalker-stares at Collin and his girlfriend. In a confessional, Lacey says that she had a bad vibe about Collin, and that she was right. She did not have a bad vibe! She was ordering Rachel to make up with him! Johanna asks Rachel if she wants to leave right away, and Rachel just keeps staring at Collin. The girls leave, and Rachel says that it's okay, "because his penis isn't that big, and neither is his heart." I thought she just kissed him. Also? Classy.
Rachel goes inside and calls Erik to tell him that she loves him. She claims that every night she has fun, but in the end, she always realizes that she misses him and that she hasn't met any guys who come close to him. Erik thanks her. They show photo-booth pictures of Rachel and Erik together, and Erik looks a little bit like Wes, I think. Interesting, that.