Landon is busy wrapping up a water ski tow rope (huh?) when Shavonda calls him into her bedroom, where she is reading a book. I am so fascinated by the question of why Landon has a tow rope. Did they just go water skiing? And if so, why is he fully dressed, and dry? Shavonda wants to read to Landon from an erotica book. Shavonda interviews that she's a prude, and that reading these books help her to tap into her sexual self. I swear to God, that's what she said. If she weren't such a prude, she'd realize how dirty that sounds. Because of the tapping. Landon interviews that he's picking up "a little static on [his] radar" from Shavonda, and that he thinks she has a crush on him. No straight man talks about his radar. I'm just saying. Shavonda starts reading the story in the least sexual way possible. She sounds like she's reading from her first-grade primer. I guess that works on Landon, because he gets onto the bed and pretends to hump Shavonda, who acts all grossed out, as if that's not exactly the reaction she was hoping for. In a confessional, Landon says it's been too long since he had sex. Shavonda keeps reading, and Landon jokes around and pretends to be Austin Powers. Because that's sexy. In a confessional, Landon says he thinks that things are close to breaking down between them. Shavonda says she feels like she's not supposed to be reading that. Isn't that kind of the point? That makes it dirtier. Shavonda asks why Landon has the tow rope, but to my disappointment, he doesn't answer. Instead, he dives into his bed, frustrated.
Later, Shavonda is lying on the floor with MJ, and Landon walks over. Shavonda talks about how Landon was humping her. We get a nice close-up of MJ's hairy armpit. Sexy! This episode is so sexy with the tow ropes and the armpits. Shavonda thinks that Landon just wants to have sex, and that he doesn't care who his partner is. Shavonda interviews that Landon won't get any from her, and that she likes to see him squirm. That's just mean. Landon says that his stomach has been in knots since Shavonda read him those stories. He adds that this is the longest he's gone without sex in three or four years. Landon walks off, and Shavonda asks him what time it is. Landon yells that it's time to get laid. Shavonda tells MJ that Landon is going to jump on him some night. Now, why would the editors put that in there, if not to fuel the rumors about Landon's sexuality? Interesting.
Landon takes a shower while Shavonda sits in some sort of hammock chair (that actually looks pretty awesome) outside the stall. MJ comments that he can see Landon's "wang," and Shavonda tries not to look. Landon presses his junk right up against the frosted glass to make it more visible, and Shavonda shrieks. Melanie, who was standing in the doorway, starts giggling and says she didn't know what she was looking at. That doesn't bode well for Landon. Melanie interviews that Shavonda and Landon flirt a lot, but that there could be something going on under the surface. Landon and Shavonda chase each other around the house. Landon says that Shavonda is welcome in his bed, and Shavonda says that isn't going to happen. MJ yells that he gives it three weeks and Shavonda denies that it will ever happen.
Melanie and Sarah sit in these round cutouts in the wall, which looks somewhat uncomfortable. Karamo walks up and says that he's counting down the days until Landon and Shavonda sleep together. Sarah shakes her head and says it's not like that, and Melanie agrees. They both think that Shavonda just likes the attention, but that she's not interested in anything further.
Landon makes cocktails for MJ and himself. MJ comments that they are all vodka. Landon begs Shavonda to come out with them, and MJ says that she's playing hard to get. Shavonda does seem like that friend that you have to beg to do stuff with you, which gets old after a while, so you just stop asking, and then they pout about not being invited.
Melanie voice-overs that she doesn't like to do the same things as her roommates, because she doesn't like crazy clubs. She leaves the house and goes to a bar alone.
Shavonda, Landon, MJ, and Karamo go out to a gay club together. Landon drinks many cocktails. In a confessional, Landon says that he doesn't normally drink martinis, so he wasn't sure how much alcohol was in them, and glasses are deceiving. That's such horseshit. It's not a Jell-O shot, which hits you like ten minutes later. You know how drunk you are quickly with any mixed drink, in my experience. Landon starts screaming at Sarah and dancing with her, which involves throwing her around the dance floor. Sarah interviews that she loves Landon when he's sober, but that when he drinks, he becomes a "wild, frat party boy." My friend Mary has a theory that Landon is gay, but won't admit it to himself, so he drinks to hide the pain. And that he felt the need to dance with the girls at the gay bar to prove how not gay he is. Landon grabs Shavonda and pulls her onto the dance floor, over her protests. Shavonda interviews that when Landon's drunk, he doesn't know his own strength, and that he's liable to drop her. Shavonda tells Landon that much, and Landon denies that he's going to throw her around.
Shavonda walks away and tells Karamo what happened. Willie (where'd he come from?) says, "When Landon gets drunk, forget it." Karamo thinks that Drunk Landon is a completely different person. Shavonda interviews that when Landon gets drunk, he acts like a "[bleep]." I think they just bleeped out the word retard. And while I don't advocate the use of the word "retard" when there's a perfectly acceptable substitute like "jackass" or "douchebag," it seems weird that they bleeped it out. Shavonda concludes that she might not like Landon as much as she thought she did.
The roommates walk home from the bar. Well, most of them walk. Landon stumbles. Willie complains about Landon, and Sarah and Shavonda agree. Sarah interviews that Leo is Landon's alter ego when he's drunk. Landon asks, "Can I please fuck Vonda?" to no one in particular. Landon stops MJ and asks if this is the same church they walked by earlier. He forcibly stops Shavonda, who was walking behind him, and asks the same question. She tells him to fuck off, not in so many words. He won't let her walk by until she answers the question. Shavonda says that anyone else could have answered the question, but that it's the same church. Shavonda interviews that Landon's drinking is "not cool" and "went from annoying to being scary." Landon doesn't get what the big deal is.
The morning, Sarah asks Landon how he feels. Landon says that he doesn't remember the walk home, but that the rest was fine, and says that he was drinking the martinis too fast. Sarah asks MJ how he's feeling, and MJ says that he's tired and run-down. Melanie says that she feels the same, and that she's going to stay in tonight. In a confessional, Melanie says that she went to a bar called Drinker's Tavern, and that everyone there was nice to her. I can get behind not wanting to go to a big loud club, but there's something weird about this whole Melanie scenario. Melanie tells MJ how much fun she had, and won't reveal the name of the place, because she wants it to be a secret. MJ interviews that Melanie found a place of her own, which is fine, but that she shouldn't make the rest of them feel like they're not good enough to go there. Melanie tells MJ again that none of them can ever go to her bar.
Sarah talks about her bulimia, and how she finally had to approach it as an addiction in order to get over it. Sarah's addiction is apparently news to Landon. Sarah adds that she had a friend with anorexia. Melanie mouths off that she couldn't ever do it to herself, no matter what, because she hates puking, and she loves food. Yes, because bulimics love puking. It has nothing to do with body image or control issues or anything like that. It's all about the joy of puking. Sarah interviews that she's learned that you don't have a right to have an opinion on everything. Sarah says that she hates throwing up, and that drug addicts probably don't like sticking needles in their arms, but that it's about the resulting effect.
In the car, Sarah tells Willie and Karamo what Melanie said about bulimia, and proudly relays her drug addict/needle analogy. Willie and Karamo could not be less interested in this conversation. Sarah says that Melanie has a difficult time understanding other people. Karamo interviews that they should talk to Melanie and find out why she can be abrasive, and that he's sure it's not always coming from a hurtful place.
Shavonda talks to Shaun on the phone, and asks if he got her emails. He didn't. Shavonda calls the club that they went to "retarded," which isn't bleeped. Shavonda talks about how Landon got in her face. Shavonda interviews that she's sick of Landon, and that she thinks his drinking is a problem. Shavonda tells Shaun that Landon is a "movie drunk," where he slurs his speech and "walks in crooked lines." She vows not to put up with it anymore, but she knows that if she hits him or pushes him, she'll be sent home. Shaun asks her not to do that. Shavonda says she will if Landon gets in her face again.
And now it's time for the Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV Last Week. The most awesome thing I saw on TV last week is a reality show on TBS called The Mansion. I don't know why I have such a love for off-brand reality shows, but I really enjoy them. Maybe it's because there's no hype, or maybe it's because I often feel that I am the only person in the world watching them, but I can't get enough. Anyway, in this particular show, eight people moved into a mansion in Ohio (Ohio!), and each week they elect a foreman and renovate one room in the mansion, with time and budget constraints. Any money saved on budget goes to the foreman. Then some judges come through and decide how good it is, and reward the team with a paycheck of up to $10,000. They divide the paycheck into eight unequal amounts, and the foreman has to hand out the checks. There are no eliminations, which I also enjoy. And it's hosted by Mark L. Walberg, which is always fun. Anyway, the best episode so far featured the tough-talking New York native as foreman, and she was kind of incompetent, but not as incompetent as most of the others. And one of the guys was told that if he would just disappear from the job for, like, twelve hours, the whole team would get bonus money, so he did. And then at the end, when everyone found out why he disappeared (he claimed he was injured and went to the hospital), no one was even happy about it! They were all still pissed off. And then the team got their payday, and the foreman decided to keep all the money for herself, so no one got any money that week! The balls on her! And the weirdest part is that no one seems to care about it or even bring it up in future episodes. Since that happened, we've had a couple hooking up and breaking up, many fights, and lots of drama. Check it out on Saturday mornings (no, seriously) on TBS, because it is awesome.
Melanie is in her secret place, interacting with a bunch of guys. In a confessional, Melanie says that she's away from home and her family and friends, so hanging out with "the boys at Drinker's" is like being with family. In this confessional, Melanie is wearing an amazing push-up bra. I am so mesmerized by her cleavage that I can't pay attention to what she's saying. Melanie walks home with three guys, but they apparently don't come into the house with her.
Melanie calls her boyfriend Andy and tells him that she's really wasted. She says that she broke away from her roommates and went out alone. Her boyfriend doesn't want her to make it a habit. Melanie says she's going to volunteer the morning, and then blurts out that they make her be a boy at her bar. I don't think I want to know what that means. She's apparently talking about how they "make" her do shots. Andy tells her not to be stupid, because she's smaller than they are. Melanie protests that she can fall asleep and not barf.
Cut to Melanie barfing in the toilet stall. Sarah asks if she's okay. Melanie says she's just a little sick, and she flushes and comes out. Sarah asks if she's okay, and Melanie says that she feels better.
The morning, Melanie and Sarah head out to volunteer, but they are late. Melanie thinks that volunteers don't have to be on time. Melanie hopes to get a job where she just gets to sit with a dog. Sarah interviews that there is tension between her and Melanie, but that they're trying to work through it.
Sarah and Melanie arrive at their volunteer gig, which is an adoption event from the Philadelphia SPCA. Melanie and Sarah meet with the volunteer coordinator, and apologize for being late. Melanie interviews that she loves animals, and that she thinks it's really important to find homes for adoptable animals. I totally agree, and might I add that it's important to spay or neuter your pets to cut down on the homeless animal population. Not to get all Bob Barker on you, but watching this segment, I nearly had to go adopt another cat, and I already have three, and I definitely don't want any more. Half the time, I don't want the three I have. Kidding!
It seems to be really hot. Melanie and Sarah discuss their work so far. Melanie says that she doesn't feel well, and doesn't know how much she is helping. Sarah says that they have many volunteers, so if Melanie doesn't feel well, Sarah would be cool with leaving. I love how they both want to leave, but neither wants to be first to suggest it.
I guess they have two tubs because one is a hot tub and one is a cold tub? I think a cold tub is the equivalent of a kiddy pool, but hopefully with less pee. Anyway, Melanie and Sarah get into the cold tub. Sarah interviews that she doesn't know much about Melanie's past. Sarah asks Melanie about her adoption story. Melanie says that her mother was seventeen, and her father didn't want to give her up, so she was in foster care for the first six months of her life. She was adopted at some point, and her adopted mom was crazy. Melanie interviews that she appreciates her life because of what she came from. Melanie talks about how her adopted parents fought a lot, and her mom hid Melanie and her sister in a closet, and the cops came. Sarah interviews that she vents about Melanie a lot, because Melanie is judgmental. Sarah thinks that she and Melanie are now forging a bond. Melanie concludes that she's stronger for her past.
Shavonda wants to talk to Landon about what he did, so they go for a walk. Shavonda interviews that it's hard to talk to Landon, because he claims he doesn't remember, but that his drinking has become a problem for everyone in the house. As they walk, Shavonda says that she can usually deal with his drunkenness, but that he was bugging her. She thinks his drinking has turned scary. Landon interviews that he's having trouble getting used to his new living situation, and that he loses his inhibitions when he's drunk. Shavonda says that when MJ comes home drunk, he quickly starts to sober up, but that Landon stays drunk until he goes to bed. Landon says that he blacks out. Shavonda says she thinks Landon already knows this, and Landon says that he wakes up in the morning and thinks that nothing happened. In a confessional, Landon says he feels bad about threatening Shavonda and making his roommates uncomfortable.
Shavonda and Landon stop and sit down. Landon says that now when he drinks, he doesn't feel buzzed at all, but just gets drunk. Shavonda interviews that Landon doesn't know how much is too much, and that she would like to see Landon quit drinking while they are in the house. Landon apologizes for his behavior, and agrees that it's a problem when he gets that drunk. In a confessional, Landon thinks he needs to control his drinking. Yeah, we'll see how that goes.
That night, Landon asks Shavonda to sleep in the confessional with him, where it's cooler. Once they get in there, Landon asks Shavonda if he's interested in him at all, and Shavonda says she just wants to be friends. Landon interviews that he likes Shavonda's personality. Shavonda asks if she's leading him on. Landon says that he does like her, and that he gets vibes from her. Shavonda says that she wants to be single right now. Shavonda interviews that she thinks long-term, and that she can't imagine marrying Landon because he drinks too much, so her crush is over. Landon says that Shavonda knows how he feels, but that it's fine if she doesn't feel the same way. Landon interviews that he's fine with just being friends. Mostly because it means he doesn't have to kiss any girls.