Before the show begins, Dr. Drew Pinsky comes on the screen and warns us that the episodes deals with "self-injury or cutting," which is a sign of emotional stress, and it may be disturbing to some viewers. I'll tell you, this shit wasn't half as disturbing as most of the drunken antics we've seen each week. Also, did you know Dr. Drew is an "addictionologist"? Doesn't that seem like a made-up word? I'm going to start calling myself a recapologist. Except that looks like I'm an apologist, and I don't apologize for much. How about recap-ologist? Since I'm making the word up, I guess I can make up the spelling as well, right?
Previously on The Real World: Frankie was attracted to this dude named Adam, and made out with him, even though she was allegedly still going out with her boyfriend Dave. Although from what I remember, they kind of broke up before she made out with Adam, but then everyone seemed to forget about that, including Frankie and Dave, so I guess I misinterpreted it. And also, I thought Frankie didn't remember what happened with Adam? It's getting very difficult to keep Frankie's stories straight, and I don't blame the editing, for once.
At work on the yacht, Frankie and Jamie have a little talk about whether Frankie should tell Dave about Adam. Frankie says that she is torn, because telling Dave that she is "hanging out with people" will cause a fight "for no reason." Okay, but "making out" and "hanging out" are two different things, and I think there would be a reason for the fight. Why can't Frankie just admit that she doesn't want to tell Dave because she knows she was wrong? And if she's that insecure about the destined star-crossed romance, that she doesn't think it can survive an incident like this, she should just (say it with me) break up with him. Jamie interviews that she thinks Frankie should tell Dave what happened when he comes to visit. Dave's coming to visit? My God, I can't wait. By which I mean, I totally can wait, and I'm willing to wait until, oh, the thirty-fifth of Mayuary. Or never. Frankie says that she wishes there were some other solution, but she knows that she needs to tell Dave, conveniently leaving out that she has to tell him because he'll see the footage eventually. Frankie interviews that she won't lie to Dave (she won't?), and that she can tell him anything (she can?).
Frankie calls Dave and tells him that she's made some mistakes. The first being her hair color, the second being her clothing choices, the third being her choice in boyfriends, and the fourth being going on this show in the first place. Actually, she doesn't mention any of those; she was referring to the Adam situation. Frankie admits that she got drunk and kissed somebody. Dave asks who, like that matters. Frankie tells him, and then interviews that Dave doesn't know Adam, but that he knows that she's been hanging out with one guy in particular. Dave says that he has a problem with this, and Frankie insists that it was just a drunken mistake. Dave says he can't trust that she won't do it again, and that it's a sign that she needs her freedom. I never thought I'd say this: Word, Dave. Frankie yells that she needs Dave, not her freedom. Dave says it might be a good idea if he didn't come out for a visit, since that's the only currency he has if she won't let him break up with her. Frankie cries and apologizes.
Frankie continues crying in her bedroom. Randy walks in and asks if she's okay, and offers her a big hug. He tells her that it's going to be okay. Frankie thanks him. Keep that in mind later, when Frankie continues to insist that no one in the house understands or supports her. What she means is that no one in the house enables her behavior like Dave does.
Frankie and Jamie go to a movie. Frankie gets a page from Dave, and interviews that it was just a short page to say hi. Frankie immediately calls him from a pay phone, and she can't hear him very well. She offers to call him back from a better phone. Suddenly, Frankie is all upset. Because the pay phone didn't work? I mean, Dave's page didn't seem incredibly urgent or life-threatening. Frankie insists that they go right home. I don't know if they were even able to see the movie. Jamie tries to figure out what the hell is going on, and Frankie continues to be dramatic and mysterious, with lots of heavy sighs and one-word answers. Frankie interviews that she is "literally ready to go into a convulsion" because she is emotionally overwhelmed. Because the pay phone didn't work? I'm seriously asking. Once they get back to the house, Frankie hurries inside and calls Dave. There's no answer, even though it appears as though she only lets it ring like one time, so she starts crying without tears. Frankie interviews that she called Dave "like, seven hundred times" and that it either rang and rang or was busy. So he obviously doesn't want to talk to her. Can you blame him? Maybe he's actually having fun for once.
Frankie hangs up the phone and walks determinedly out of the room. Frankie interviews that she's lonely and upset because Dave is the main person she has at home, and that he's miserable because she made him miserable. So she's going to break up with him? Frankie goes into the kitchen and rummages around in the cupboard for a minute, and then heads right into the bathroom, where she closes the door. Jamie sees that Frankie is upset, and goes to the door and asks if Frankie is okay. Then Jamie nonsensically asks if Frankie wants company. I have to wonder what Production was thinking about at this point. Did they know that Frankie had a knife? Did they think she was going to kill herself? Frankie, still behind the closed door, continues to breathe heavily and sob. Finally, Frankie walks out of the bathroom and quickly brushes by Jamie and two random guys standing in the hallway. Just as she is to them, she drops something with a loud clatter. She quickly picks up what she dropped, a steak knife, and drops it into the sink. I guess there was supposed to be blood on the knife, but it just looked to me like it had makeup or something on it. It wasn't really blood-colored, and it definitely wasn't the color of fresh blood. It was more like rust. While I know that there are people out there who really do cut themselves out of intense emotional pain, and that it's unhealthy, this is just too much. Frankie used a steak knife? And she just happened to drop it on the floor with a loud clatter right in front of Jamie and two complete strangers? And then she tossed it in the sink where anyone could see it? That's pretty ridiculous. Although I don't expect any different from Frankie at this point. Jamie interviews dramatically, "I put two and two together and that's when I realized that this is real, that Frankie is a cutter, that she does this to herself." The camera continues to focus on the knife. I think I like the fork better.
Frankie suddenly tries to leave the house. Jamie follows and asks what Frankie just dropped on the floor. Frankie keeps insisting that she's okay. Jamie follows her to the car and whines that it's not okay. Man, I know Jamie is trying to help, but she's annoying. Jamie interviews that she's bewildered. Join the club. Jamie yells up to one of the guys that they're going to the grocery store. Once she and Frankie get in the car, Jamie asks if they can sit there for a minute and talk. Frankie lies that she had the knife because she had to cut off a tag on her pants. With a knife? What is she, Grizzly Adams? Why not use scissors like a normal person? That is the worst cover-up lie since I told my mom I was going to Pizza Hut "the back way "to explain the dust on her car that really was a result of attending a road party. Jamie says she doesn't believe her, and Frankie says that Jamie doesn't have to. Frankie interviews that she's "not down" for an in-depth conversation on why she cuts, and that she's not clear enough on her reasons to discuss it right now.
Frankie and Jamie return home from the grocery store. I have to wonder what kind of small talk they made during that trip. Frankie runs into the house while Jamie struggles with two bags of groceries. Wow, thanks for the help! Frankie crawls into her bed. Jamie tells Cameran what happened, and Cameran looks pretty disgusted -- more so when she hears that Frankie has cut herself before. Cameran interviews that if Frankie is capable of cutting herself, she wonders if Frankie could kill herself. Cameran and Jamie discuss whether they should talk to Frankie right now. Jamie thinks that would make Frankie hide her cutting more. Cameran asks what Frankie used, and Jamie says it was a kitchen knife. Cameran is like, "One of our kitchen knives?" Heh. That would be my exact thought. Jamie interviews that, previously, she and Frankie were discussing getting Frankie's thighs tattooed, and Frankie says she couldn't get any higher than her thighs, and then showed Jamie some "horrible, deep, penetrating cuts." Cuts or scars? Because later Frankie claims that she never cuts herself anymore, so that would be interesting. Cameran tells Jamie that Frankie's behavior is called "self-mutilation," and Jamie Googles it. Jamie interviews that the sites she's reading say that cutters do it to relieve emotional pain, and that there are support groups for it all over the country. Jamie decides that she will just try to be Frankie's friend by listening to her.
Jamie crawls into bed with Frankie and asks if this is the first time Frankie has cut herself since she's been in San Diego. Frankie interviews that she thinks about cutting herself every day, but that she hasn't actually done it until now. So you see why I was confused that Jamie thinks she saw cuts on Frankie's thighs earlier. Jamie asks if Frankie can think of an alternative way to deal with her pain, because the cutting is scary. Frankie interviews that she appreciates Jamie's concern, but that she doesn't really want to discuss it. Jamie asks Frankie to promise that she won't do it again while she's in San Diego. Frankie sighs and looks annoyed, and pretends to cry, but is again totally dry-eyed. This whole situation is so junior high. The last time I had to deal with something like this was in the seventh grade, when Tammy broke up with Kevin at the bowling alley, and Kevin was so distraught that he threw a bunch of aspirin into the bottom of his bottle of grape soda and threatened to drink it, and we all had mini-conferences about how to handle the standoff, and finally I said something that made Kevin allow me to take the bottle into the bathroom and dump it in the toilet. I felt like a master hostage negotiator, let me tell you. But I was thirteen, and Frankie is twenty-one.
Jamie invites Frankie to go get something to eat. In a confessional, Jamie says that she wants to talk to Frankie one on one, and try to convince Frankie to change. Jamie looks up twenty-four-hour diners on the web, and in the meantime, Cameran and Robin decide to join them for some food.
At the diner, Frankie sets down the ground rules by saying that if she feels like people are judging her, she's going to leave. I would have told Frankie to fuck off right there. I mean, really. Jamie promises not to judge, because she just wants to try to understand, and asks Frankie when she started cutting. Frankie says that she was thirteen. Cameran asks how often Frankie does it, and Frankie says that she used to do it every day, but that she's only done it about four times in the last three years. Robin asks if Frankie wants to die. Frankie gets annoyed and lectures that people who cut aren't suicidal, though the pain could lead to that. Note that she did not actually answer the question. Frankie says that everyone has a means of stress relief, and some people smoke, some people shop, and some people develop eating disorders. Yes, those are all really healthy ways of dealing with stress. And some people get intensive therapy, something Frankie might want to look into. I mean, even if she does invent or create most of her problems, that's a sign that she needs professional help right there. And while I enjoy making fun of cast members when their problems are largely related to immaturity and stupidity, Frankie's problems are deeper than that, and it's starting to get tiresome to watch.
Professor Frankie continues her lecture, which makes me think she has done some research on this topic as well. She says that with emotional pain, you can't pinpoint the cause, but that with physical pain, you can. Well, I can pinpoint the cause of Frankie's emotional pain. She's in a relationship with an enabling dillweed she thinks is romantic, and she's kind of a dillweed herself. It's very telling that Frankie thinks no one can pinpoint the causes of their emotional pain. Jamie interviews that inflicting pain on yourself might relieve the pain but it doesn't solve the underlying problem, and that it's scary. Jamie tells Frankie that she's just replacing pain with pain. Frankie says that it actually just makes the pain that already exists easier to handle. Jamie asks what it solves, and Frankie gets frustrated and defensive and says that it's just a pain killer and she's trying to overcome the urge. Note that it was Jamie's questions that pushed Frankie over the edge. Cameran urges Frankie not to get defensive, and says that she seems very upset and intense right now. Frankie says she feels like people want her to change, but that she doesn't want to. Keep that in mind later when she's magically cured. Jamie interviews that it was a huge mistake to bring Cameran and Robin along, and that it's not what she wanted. Sometimes Jamie reminds me a little bit of creepy Hawaii Matt with the controlling issues and the need to be a hero. Frankie interviews that everyone is driving her insane, that they don't know how to help her, and that Dave is the only person who understands the problem. Maybe she should have thought of that before she dropped the knife right at Jamie's feet.
Frankie calls Dave and says, "I love you too much because it hurts." She admits that she cut herself. Frankie interviews that Dave cuts himself too. Wow, just when I thought their relationship couldn't get any more dysfunctional, she had to go and say that. Dave reminds Frankie that they both promised not to do it anymore. I don't know much about cutting, but I do know that, many times, people who cut have certain triggers, and I would imagine that being in a relationship with someone who cuts as well would be one such trigger. Frankie says that she wakes up hating herself, and she thinks that Dave hates her too, which she feels would be justified. Dave tells Frankie to love herself instead. Wisdom of the ages, people. You have deep emotional problems? Just love yourself. Good one, Dave. Frankie says that maybe she thinks that her scars will prove to Dave how sorry she is. Oh, good Lord. Do people really think like that after the tenth grade? Seriously? I hope there aren't teenagers watching this who think that Frankie and Dave are so romantic. Blech. Dave, to his credit, says that he wants Frankie to stop hurting herself. Frankie interviews, "My devotion to Dave is like that of none other. I mean, he tells me to do something, I will do it." First of all, "of none other"? What in the hell is that? Second, you'd think with all of Frankie's faux-alternateen trappings, she'd be more of a feminist than that. And third, I seem to recall Dave telling Frankie not to kiss other boys, and that didn't exactly work out. In conclusion, shut up, Frankie.
And now it's time for The Most Awesome Thing I Saw On TV Last Week. The most awesome thing I saw on TV last week was the two-part episode of Little House on the Prairie where Mary's baby dies. I know that sounds like a really sad episode, but given the show's ridiculous acting and musical cues, it was actually pretty awesome. See, Mary and Adam are having a fundraising picnic at the Blind School, and Albert and some other kid never seen again steal into the basement to try smoking a pipe, which they both totally inhale like it's a bong or something, but then Hester Sue totally busts them, so they run out and toss the lit pipe into a pile of oily rags on some sort of time-release mechanism, apparently. About fourteen hours later, Alice Garvey is helping Hester Sue clean up, and they decide to have some tea with Adam and Mary, but Adam smells smoke. Hester Sue goes to investigate and opens the basement door and flames are just flying out of there! Fourteen hours later! So they go to rescue all the blind kids and Mary runs out of the bedroom and just leaves her baby behind, like, what mother would do that, anyway? So Alice promises to get the baby, and she grabs it and it's so obviously a doll, the way that she's manhandling this alleged newborn, but then Alice has to go back to rescue some blind kid who's stuck in the bathroom and she ends up getting trapped in the fire and she totally uses the baby to break open the window, but it doesn't help and she and the baby die. Thankfully, Mary didn't have to watch the baby die, because she's blind.
So then Adam and Mary go to Nellie's hotel and Mary wakes up and can't remember that her baby died and Adam tries to knock her out with some sleeping powders from Doc Baker but Mary thinks that Adam is lying about the dead baby and she freaks the fuck out and knocks Adam in the jaw, and then she runs over to the window and rips down the curtains and gets all tangled up in them and then breaks the window (just like Alice Garvey!) and cuts her wrists all up, and it was awesome. So then Mary is in a catatonic state and all she will do is hum a lullaby, which is fucking creepy, and Adam is like, "I'm going to New York to visit my father and get away from my creepy catatonic wife" and I was kind of rooting for Adam never to come back because Adam is the only one on the show who had any edge, if anyone on the show did, and I also like him retroactively because Linwood Boomer went on to create Malcolm In the Middle which used to be a funny show. Meanwhile, Mary is still staying at the hotel, like, I don't know why Ma and Pa couldn't take her in, especially since someone needs to sit with Mary all day and night. So Albert realizes that he started the fire, after Pa finds a pipe in the rubble, and feels guilty so he gets Pa to buy Mary a music box that plays the lullaby and he plays it for Mary and she suddenly comes to and realizes that her baby is dead and has another freak-out session minus the curtains and the broken window. So Albert runs away and thinks he can go back and live with his real father and the second part of the episode was all about the search for Albert as well as how Jonathan Garvey was handling his wife's death (short answer: drinking a lot of whiskey) and it was pretty boring. But of course, Pa forgave Albert and Adam came back (boo!) and announced that his father had offered to pay for the rebuilding of the Blind School and hooray! And it was awesome.
In a confessional, Jamie says that she wants to take Frankie to some clinics to find out alternative coping mechanisms. Jamie tells Frankie that she doesn't know what to do or how to help, and offers to be there if Frankie needs to vent, so that Frankie can relieve stress that way. Frankie interviews that she knows she needs help, and that a strong person finds a healthier way to deal with pain. She claims that she's decided to go to therapy because she's been cutting since she was fourteen. I thought it was thirteen? And I thought she didn't want to change? Either she really does do everything Dave tells her to do (ha!), or Production got involved and told her that she had to go. I can't see any other reason for her sudden change of heart. Frankie asks Jamie to go to the therapist with her, like it's a day of shopping. Jamie actually thanks Frankie for asking her. Shut up, Jamie and Frankie.
Frankie goes to the therapist, who allows the cameras in the office, so immediately her credibility is shot. I would really like to see Frankie on Dr. Phil. He would kick her ass, and it would be awesome. Frankie explains that she has a boyfriend at home, but that she got drunk and kissed another boy, and that she feels very guilty. I love how she always has to include that she was drunk, like that's a good excuse. The therapist explains that when people are in pain, they feel like there is no way out, and can't see that the pain won't last forever, so cutting for Frankie is a way out of the pain. She adds that Frankie has to learn to tolerate pain without cutting to release it, and trust that the pain will end at some point. Frankie realizes that some people can pinpoint their problems before relieving their pain, and that she needs to try to do that. Of course, the therapist doesn't (that we see) give Frankie any tips on how to do that, so whatever. The therapist offers to find Frankie someone to talk to in Kansas City. Frankie leaves, magically cured after ten minutes. Frankie interviews that she would love to be able to handle her problems without cutting, which is something that she has pretty much already learned how to do, since she allegedly hasn't cut herself very often in the past three years.
At the end, Dr. Drew comes back and says that "Frankie's behavior is a sign of severe emotional distress," and that we should visit MTV's website for more information. Very responsible. I wonder how many teens who hadn't tried cutting before saw how much attention Frankie just got, and have decided to give it a shot?