Previously on The Real World: Frankie and Jacquese met, and Jacquese confessed that he can't swim. Randy and Robin met and bonded over their shared occupation in "the nightclub industry."
Robin and the guys play basketball together. Robin is wearing the shortest shorts I've ever seen. I think I just saw her labia. She's paired this with a t-shirt that says, "He Loves Me. I Love Him Not." What does that even mean? And why did she add a pink do-rag to the ensemble? Randy interviews that he's started to get to know Robin, and that she seems sweet and tries to look out for everyone. Except for black men who call her a bitch. She doesn't look out for them. Robin interviews that Randy is easy to get along with and sweet. I think I would be mad if someone described me as "sweet." Randy interviews that Robin has "a great personality," and that he and Robin "connect on the same level because [they] both come from nightlife." Like they are both vampires? That is a weird thing to say. Also "great personality" is guyspeak for "big boobs." Robin starts doing a cheer from 1965, like, when was she a cheerleader? Robin interviews that she and Randy are of similar ages and backgrounds, so she's drawn to him, but he's her roommate and thus off-limits. According to what rulebook?
The same group sits around and discusses casual sex. Jacquese thinks it's the best way not to get your feelings hurt. Randy says that he can't have casual sex, because he doesn't like to hold back. Robin says that she could have casual sex when she was younger, but now that she's older, things are different. Isn't she, like, twenty-three? Why is she talking like she's middle-aged? Randy agrees that sex with someone you love is passionate. Randy interviews that he's affectionate and passionate, and that his emotions have a mind of their own, and that he has no control over them. He's like the Incredible Hulk. Don't make him angry! Robin talks about feeling a connection and losing yourself in another person. Then they don't cut the scene, so we get to hear Robin tell Randy not to drink out of the glass she ashed in. What? Why was that left in?
Some guy knocks on the door and just lets himself in. Robin grabs an envelope from him, and all the roommates gather around. Robin reads that their job starts at 10 AM, and that they have to report to a particular dock and each wear their swimsuits under their regular clothing. Jamie interviews that they know their job will involve water and a boat, but that they don't know if they'll be fishing, sailing, or just cleaning boats. Oh, how I wish they were cleaning boats. Brad's two brain cells rub together and spit out, "Lifeguards!" Yeah, they tried that in Chicago and it didn't work out so well. Remember all that exciting footage of Keri, Kyle, and Chris on the beach? Exactly. Jacquese interviews that he can't swim, and that he knows their job will involve water. Randy suggests that they get to be "synchronized water skiers." Like in the Go-Go's video for "Vacation"! That would be awesome! Jamie suggests that they might be testing out equipment, but then steps back from her suggestion, as though it was so much dumber than guessing that they'd be water skiers or lifeguards. Robin thinks they might be fishing, and quickly decides that she's right. Jacquese repeats that he doesn't want to get in the water. Jamie dances around and says she's excited.
Frankie, Cameran, Jamie, and Robin are in the kitchen. Robin points out "a big cruise ship" out in the harbor, and asks if anyone has ever been on a cruise. Frankie glances out the window and then stands up and walks away clutching her stomach, saying, "That was so not cool." So my question is, why did she look in the first place? What part of "big cruise ship" did she think she would be able to handle? The other women are confused about what just happened. Frankie goes to the bathroom and splashes water on her face. Frankie interviews that she gets panic attacks when she's around big boats or massive metal structures. That is the craziest thing I've ever heard. How did she think she was going to survive five months in a harbor on the Pacific Ocean without seeing a big ship? Look, I understand that a phobia is, by definition, an irrational fear, and while I have an aversion to belly buttons, I wouldn't really call it a "phobia," because I don't have panic attacks when I see one. But if I did have a phobia, I would either get therapy to get over it, or not put myself in situations where I might activate it. Unless I just wanted attention. I'm not saying Frankie doesn't have a legitimate phobia. I'm just saying that she seems to use that phobia to get attention, instead of trying to deal with and come to terms with it in an adult manner.
Cameran comes over and finds out that Frankie can't look at big ships without passing out. Cameran tries not to laugh, and then interviews that she's never met anyone with this phobia. Frankie interviews that her roommates were freaked out because they didn't understand her phobia. I have a phobia of women wearing too much eyeliner with bad bangs! Frankie, that was so not cool. Cameran comes inside and says that if Frankie is scared of big things, she's probably scared of Brad's dick, too. Everyone laughs. Frankie spots the ship again and recoils. Why is she even looking out the window? At the very least, you'd think she'd ask her roommates if it was gone before she looked. Someone asks if she's afraid of all large objects, and Frankie says, "It's just technically big boats. I can look at little boats. I just can't look at big ones." Cameran asks what would happen if they had to work on a big boat, and Frankie said she would freak out and not do it.
Robin and Randy have a drunken chat out on the deck. Robin explains that she got saved, but that she didn't truly feel it. Oh, the late-night religion discussion. Aren't they a little old for that? Isn't that freshman-dorm stuff? Robin says that the Bible didn't make sense to her. Randy asks if she knows who King James is, and Robin says she doesn't. How in the hell did she become extremely religious without having heard of King James? Randy goes into lecture mode and explains a little bit about the King James Bible. Robin interviews that she and Randy have deep conversations in which Randy is mellow and calm. Robin says that she believes in spirits. Randy agrees, and then slurs something about who knows what. I have a phobia of deep conversations that take place while the participants are drunk. That's so not cool, you guys.
Brad walks back inside and interviews that "this is some wild shit." Brad doesn't do deep conversations! Randy says that he was brought up agnostic. Robin says that she believes in a higher being, and Randy says that's what "agnostic" means. I looked it up, because while I thought I knew what it meant, Randy sounds like such an authority, and the definition is "one who is not committed to believing in either the existence or the nonexistence of God or a god." That's not exactly what Robin said, is it? Robin is all excited about Randy's definition, because no one has ever made sense of her beliefs before. Randy says that he has "a lot of knowledge to share" about religion. Cameran walks inside and says that they're talking about religion outside, and Brad says that it has to stop.
Randy and Robin put on their bathing suits and head for the hot tub. Because nothing goes better with religion than a pulsing massage jet. Randy moves over and sits right to Robin. Cameran and Brad totally spy on them and giggle. I don't know why I love it when the roommates spy on each other, but I totally do. I guess because that's exactly what I would do in that situation. Cameran interviews that Robin is attracted to Randy more mentally than physically, and that she's never met a guy like Randy. Robin puts herself on Randy's lap, and he says that she's a nice person.
Robin and Randy exit the hot tub and head for the shower. Due to their bathroom setup, they can see into each other's stalls. Jamie is washing her hands while Randy and Robin rinse off, and Jamie totally laughs when Randy takes off his shorts. Randy interviews that they will "cross certain boundaries" because they live together, and that this is the first. Cameran reports to Brad that Randy is naked in front of Robin. Brad just chows down on his cereal.
Randy tells Robin to go ahead and look at his "goods." Brad interviews that someone will eventually have sex, and that he's curious who it will be. Robin gets out of the shower, laughing. Cameran says that Robin and Randy are freaks. She tells Brad that the whole thing is funny, and Brad agrees. Cameran says she wasn't trying to see it. I think she's eating a plate of mashed potatoes. Mmm, mashed potatoes.
Robin and Randy hop into bed together. Cameran says that Randy didn't invite Robin into his bed, and that Robin took it upon herself to get in. Randy doesn't seem to mind too much, as he spoons Robin and says that she's "a warm pillow." Cameran reports to Brad and Jacquese that the couple is rolling around and moaning. Jacquese says that something is definitely going to happen. Cameran is a little too involved in what's going on, I think. Jealous? Cameran says that Robin said she just wanted to cuddle, and they all think that's bull. Jacquese asks what they should do. They all head into the bedroom. Jacquese interviews that they don't know for sure, but they think Robin and Randy are groping and grinding. Ew, I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. Cameran and Jacquese make ass-slapping motions as Randy and Robin lie in bed, oblivious to their audience. They finally hear it and look over. Randy interviews that it might look scandalous, but that they don't care.
Jacquese heads off to inform Frankie and Jamie of what's going on. Hey, Frankie and Jamie are in bed together. Doesn't anyone care about that? Jacquese says that he's a master at spooning, so he knows what's going on. Okay, I don't know what Randy and Robin are doing, but she is scrambling around like she's having a seizure. It's scaring me a little bit. Jacquese heads back to the room, and he overhears Randy say that he's a guy and that it's difficult for him. Robin says that they will love to hate each other. I don't understand, but she's drunk, so whatever. Randy replies, "I'm saying, like, boom. Bazooka Joe, man." I have turned that phrase over in my mind, and even consulted with friends, and I still don't know what he's talking about. Does he have a boner? Did he prematurely ejaculate? Does he require chewing gum with a free comic inside? I don't know. Also, I have a fear of Bazookas as well as of all people named Joe. That was so not cool, Randy.
Randy and Robin continue groping around, and Jacquese reports back to his roommates, laughing. They all ask what Randy is saying, and Jacquese says that all he heard was, "Boom! Bazooka Joe!" Everyone laughs hysterically, as you do. Cameran says that she has a whole other opinion of Randy right now. Cut to a shot of Robin and Randy sleeping; Randy has a biiiiiiiig smile on his face.
The morning, a big ship goes by the house. Frankie, don't look! Robin and Randy wake up. Robin says that she slept like a brick, and we get a nice shot of Randy's nipple and armpit hair. Awesome. The alarm goes off to wake them up for their job, and everyone gets up and gets ready. Cameran interviews that she's excited about their job, because she loves the water. Brad interviews that "a couple of people in the house have skeptical feelings about the water." Like they don't believe that the water exists? Poor word choice, Brad.
The roommates head for the dock, with Cameran reading directions and leading the way. They have seriously step-by-step instructions, so clearly the producers understand how dumb the roommates are, in general. Jacquese leads Frankie along, since she has a towel over her head to prevent her from seeing boats. No, seriously. No, she really does. Aah! I'm scared of blue towels! That's so not cool, Frankie. Cameran reads that the last step is to walk down to the end of the pier. To do so, they have to walk between two large boats moored nearby. Frankie can't do it, even with the towel over her head, and Jamie and Jacquese wait with her. The other roommates come back to see what's up. Someone says that they only have ten minutes before they have to show up. Frankie starts hyperventilating, and then turns and runs away. Huh. She seems perfectly able to walk all by herself with the towel over her head. It's like she knew it would be more dramatic if she forced Jacquese and Jamie to lead her along or something.
And now it's time for the Most Awesome Thing I Saw on TV Last Week. The most awesome thing I saw on TV last week was probably Frankie running down the pier with a towel over her head because she's scared of big boats. But since that doesn't really qualify, I guess I'll tell you all about this Lifetime Movie Network movie I watched called Prison of Secrets. Awesome title. Anyway, it starred Ms. Stephanie Zimbalist as a wife and mother who, in an effort to save her boss some money, created her own consulting company and billed the company for the consulting work while she was still working there. And then when the cops came to arrest her, she didn't understand why that might be a conflict of interest. Although her boss must have really hated her to have her arrested instead of, you know, talking to her about it or just firing her. So her lawyer urges her to accept a plea bargain, but she still thinks she's done nothing wrong, so she wants to go to trial, like, what part of "conflict of interest" does she not get? So she's totally convicted of "conflict of interest," which I didn't know was a crime punishable by imprisonment, but whatever. So when she gets to prison, she quickly learns that the prison guard, Kevin Arnold's dad, forces the female inmates to have sex. So Ms. Stephanie Zimbalist wants to expose this practice, and she tells her husband on visiting day, and he's basically like, "As long as they're not bothering you, stay out of it," like, nice attitude, husband. But then the husband sees Mr. Arnold totally feel up Ms. Stephanie Zimbalist while he's supposed to be frisking her, and he gets pissed. So Ms. Stephanie Zimbalist gets her lawyer to file a lawsuit against the prison, but they need signed affadavits from the victims, and no one wants to do it. And then there's this one awesome scene where Rusty needs a sanitary napkin and the guard won't give it to her and Ms. Stephanie Zimbalist busts into the supply room and starts throwing supplies up into the air, giving new meaning to Always with Wings. So then the other prisoners like her, because she took care of their menstrual needs, and her husband is also using his radio show to publicize what's going on in the prison. So then the victims write up their statements and smuggle them out of the prison with the help of a sympathetic female guard, and Ms. Stephanie Zimbalist is freed, which doesn't really make sense, because it's not like she was innocent of the crime for which she was convicted. But it was awesome.
So Frankie is standing on dry land, facing away from the harbor. Frankie interviews that when she has a panic attack, tears start pouring down her face, she starts shaking, and her pulse speeds up. Was she molested by a big boat when she was a child or something? Jamie tells the other roommates that Frankie was trembling the whole time they were walking out there, so it's not fake. Everyone says that they didn't think it was fake, when you know they totally did. Brad points out that they just need to get Frankie past two boats, and Cameran thinks that Frankie can just make a run for it. Jamie interviews that it's a strange phobia, but that she wants to help Frankie through it.
Brad and Randy walk up to Frankie and assure her that the boat they will be working on is little. Frankie says that she just can't get to it. Brad tells her to tie her bandanna around her eyes, and they will carry her out there on their backs. Frankie says that she'll close her eyes and they can lead her. I would've opted for the piggy-back ride, but that's just me. The roommates form a protective barrier around Frankie and lead her down the pier once more. Cameran starts singing a song to try to distract Frankie from what they are actually doing. The guys waiting on their boat have got to be like, "What in the hell is wrong with these people?"
The roommates arrive at the boat, and Brian (the boss) introduces himself, and his assistant Matt. Brian says that he and Matt will teach them how to sail on their boat, the Stars and Stripes, which was in the America's Cup. Cameran interviews that it's a great opportunity. Brian introduces them to Troy, who owns the boat and started their company. Brian asks if any of them have any sailing experience, and only Cameran raises her hand. She says she's been on a sailboat, but that she's never been the one controlling it. That's like saying you have experience driving because you've ridden in a car before. Shut up, Cameran. Brian asks if they all know how to swim, and Jacquese says that he doesn't. Brian promises that someone will teach him. Brian says that they run corporate charters and public excursions, and that the roommates will serve as the crew. Frankie interviews that this job is definitely not her thing. I just noticed that Frankie wears a ring on the third finger of her left hand. Is she engaged? Brian tells the roommates that this is a serious job, and he recommends that they show up to work feeling one hundred per cent, because he won't let them go out otherwise. In other words, don't show up hung over and puking. Wow, I wonder if that will happen.