“ As Cynthia voice-overs that not only were all the cast members invited, celebrities will also be there, David from L.A. yuks it up with Pauly Shore. Hee! That's the best celebrity they could come up with? Awesome. ”
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The show opens on a red carpet, somewhere in Los Angeles, with tons (okay, dozens) of screaming fans perched alongside it. The camera pans to Cynthia and Dan from the Miami season, who welcome us. Hey, what happened to the Hip, Squiggly Font of Character Introduction? They've changed it! Oh, this just won't do. I hate this special already. Dan tells us that they are at a club called Blue, and a close-up shot of the Pepsi sign on the wall explains why they are able to air this ninety-minute special with no commercials. Did you hear me? Ninety minutes of former Real World cast members with no commercials! I am in recapping hell. I think I should get combat pay.
So then we get quick shots of people walking down the red carpet. I was just going to gloss over this, but since this is the only time you actually see some of the attendees on camera, I decided to slo-mo it and try to tell you who is there. First is Mike from Miami and some blond woman who is definitely not Old Heather. In fact, Mike is looking more and more like Old Heather every time I see him. up is Sharon from London, arriving with Mike from London and some other random guy. In other words, Mike couldn't get a date, so he glommed on to Sharon and her date. David from L.A. waves to the crowd. Judd and Pam from San Francisco walk in together. Amaya from Hawaii walks in by herself, wearing a red top and with weird flyaway hair.
As Cynthia voice-overs that not only were all the cast members invited, celebrities will also be there, David from L.A. yuks it up with Pauly Shore. Hee! That's the best celebrity they could come up with? Awesome. Dan talks to Andy Dick, who is clearly only there because MTV blackmailed him. Then there is a quick shot of some young, female groupies, and I am sad for them. Kat from London walks in, looking really cute, and greets the crowd. Jon from L.A. stops and talks to the camera, and they have to use the Hip But Not Squiggly Font to introduce him, because he's packed on some pounds. I mean, he was practically a teenager when he was on the show, so it makes sense that he's filled out a little. But apparently, it all went to his face. Jon tells the camera that he wants to bring in all the people waiting outside. Dan talks to Rachel from San Francisco and Sean from Boston, the official Real World married couple. Lindsay from Seattle talks to the camera as her date waits to her. Elka from Boston laughs. Amaya from Hawaii and Nathan from Seattle greet each other with a kiss. Becky from New York (who looks a lot like Sarah from Road Rules: Latin America) hangs out with Eric from New York and Jo from San Francisco. Andre from New York is actually there. That's kind of exciting. Syrus from Boston yells about something. Sarah from Miami smiles at the camera and ducks her head, and then hides her face with her hands. More people cheer outside. Cynthia suggests that we head outside to the red carpet and see who is arriving. Cynthia still has those scary dragon-lady nails, but she is also just as cute as ever. I love her.
“ Jason from Boston is wearing a toque, because true artists don't comb their hair. I would also like to point out that his 'date' is a guy. I'm sure they're just friends. ”
Elka and Kameelah from Boston arrive, even though we've already seen Elka once. It wouldn't be a Real World special without bad continuity. Andre walks in with his date. Beth S. from L.A. is looking more and more like Ellen DeGeneres. Jon sings his "true story" bit from the L.A. season's opening credits, and it sounds exactly the same. Kelley from New Orleans arrives with Peter. Dan asks one of the gathered fans what her favorite season was, and she says it was -- totally by coincidence, I'm sure -- Miami. Dan slips her a twenty and a promise that he'll get her Syrus's phone number. David from New Orleans arrives, wearing a white polo shirt and a backwards visor. Way to dress up, dude. Dan dances on the red carpet. Rachel shakes the fans' hands. Some random fan says that he was hoping to see Dan. Why? I've never met anyone who claimed that Dan was his or her favorite cast member ever. Dan mugs for the camera with Danny from New Orleans, who is as cute as ever. Teck from Hawaii walks down the red carpet. Jamie from New Orleans walks in with the woman I guess is his girlfriend, who is holding her stomach in a way she might want to stop doing if she wants to prevent the spread of pregnancy rumors.
Jason from Boston is wearing a toque, because true artists don't comb their hair. I would also like to point out that his "date" is a guy. I'm sure they're just friends. As Jason walks away, Cynthia says into the microphone, "He's hella cute, y'all." Kaia from Hawaii walks in alone, dressed all in black. Hope you enjoyed that glimpse of her, because you won't be seeing her again tonight. ["Good." -- Wing Chun] Neil from London walks in with, I presume, the mother of his child. Justin from Hawaii walks in, and I say out loud, "Who the hell is that?" I seriously did not recognize him. The only reason I figured it out is because Dan announces that it's time for "the Gay Brigade" and, by process of elimination, I was able to figure it out. Also involved in said Gay Brigade is Ruthie from Hawaii. Mike from Miami asks Cynthia whether their season is up for an Oscar tonight. Shut up, Mike. Also, his date is wearing red leather pants.
Dan asks Becky from New York (who is still looking like Sarah from Road Rules) whether she's excited to go inside and see who gained weight and who got ugly. Heh. That's why I'm watching. Becky says (sarcastically) that she expects to be the hottest one there. Dan assures her that she will be. Somebody (Kelley?) turns her back to the camera and shakes her ass. Montana from Boston walks in wearing a really ugly dress that is somewhat reminiscent of the one Sarah Michelle Gellar wore to the Golden Globes this year. Flora from Miami shakes her breasts at the camera. The camera pans up Kameelah's body. Cynthia asks Beth S. who she is wearing; the answer is "BCBG and Landry." I don't even know what that means. My fashion comes from Target and Old Navy, y'all. Heh. I made that joke, and then Norm from New York came on and said his shirt was from Target. Cynthia does a little strutting spin, and she looks good. Syrus from Boston explains that his sunglasses are from Chanel. Melissa from New Orleans says that her dress is vintage. Or it must be just her skirt, because she's wearing an apron top that looks pretty new. Overall she looks great, though. Sharon shows off her Gucci shoes. Stephen from Seattle brags about his "Dolce" outfit. Cut to Dan asking Becky from New York what is wrong. Becky replies that she's "in shock" because she's not the hottest one in there. She explains that "the younger Real World girls are hotter than [she]." Cut to a shot of Amaya and Kat waving to the camera, all hair and teeth. Ruthie walks by. Becky, mock-crying now, begs Dan to tell her that she's beautiful. Dan says, with a totally straight face, "Well, you've got great boobs." Heh.
“ Least responsible dog owner: Jacinda or Puck? ”
Mohammed from San Francisco arrives, but his dreds stayed home. Beth A. from L.A. arrives, looking much like as she did during her reunion, with the blonde hair. Jon from L.A. arrives, even though we've seen him, like, ten times already. David from New Orleans stands to David from Seattle. New Orleans David claims that they are both going to strip, and David from Seattle takes off. Ruthie walks in again, like, haven't we already seen her walking in three times? Lars from London walks in. Cynthia wraps up the red carpet portion of the evening, thank God.
In an interview, Puck from San Francisco has really long hair, is holding a guitar, and has a small dog on his lap. Puck expounds upon his theory of the show. Apparently, the show's quality rose from New York to Los Angeles to San Francisco, and then started going downhill with London, and Miami took "a big nosedive." Okay, so he's right, but I was interested to hear what he thought of the recent seasons. ["I'm sure he hasn't been able to afford cable since 1996." -- Wing Chun] I would argue that things picked up with Seattle and haven't looked back since. Puck's little dog growls at the camera. Least responsible dog owner: Jacinda or Puck?
Montage of the opening credits of all nine seasons. John Norris walks into a studio and calls the show "a cultural icon." Oh, John. First of all, the hair. Or should I say the "hair," because that stuff on his head is clearly not of human origin. And then there's the outfit. He's wearing this blue, ribbed v-neck sweater, which isn't bad, but then he's got a J.C. Penney suit coat on over it with padded shoulders that just serves to make him look scrawnier than he is. Cue the montage of various people arriving at their respective houses, from Eric arriving in New York to Nathan and David arriving in Seattle, and everything in between. John Norris voice-overs that the show has "chronicled a generation: black, white, gay, straight, artists, musicians, poets, bike messengers." We see various shots of different seasons to illustrate those points, but they are coming fast and furious now, and I'm sure you can figure it out. Then there's a montage set to music: Teck and Ruthie jumping naked into the pool, Neil getting his tongue bitten off, Cynthia snorkeling, Julie "rapping," Ruthie drinking and drinking and drinking and nearly dying, Lindsay finding out about Suicide Bill, Irene crying, and Pedro taking his temperature.
The Real World Tenth Anniversary Special
“ New Orleans Matt begins his campaign of annoyance by asking Irene whether she's the one on whom Jon had a crush. Like, if you know who Jon is, you clearly watched the L.A. season, so why would you not know that? I hate Matt. ”
In "a studio somewhere in Los Angeles," a crew sets up a huge scaffolding. John Norris voice-overs that they invited all of the cast members back for "the definitive photo." We see various cast members arriving. John Norris tells us, "This is the only time all nine seasons have ever been together in one room." Eric greets Andre, saying that he hasn't seen Andre in "ten years!" Danny gets makeup. L.A. David greets Eric. Jon gives Syrus a copy of his CD, saying that he's going to "turn [Syrus] country." Becky and Kevin can't believe that Andre showed up. Andre hears them and smiles. Jon signs his CD for Syrus. Becky hugs Andre, and Kevin tells them that Julie (from New York) can't come because she's about to have a baby. Aw, I love the New York cast. They seem genuinely happy to be together. I wish New York Julie were there.
The New York cast (minus pregnant Julie) get their picture taken. Heather B. tells us that she just completed her CD, called Eternal Affair. L.A. Irene shows pictures of her seven-year-old kid to Beth S. New Orleans Matt begins his campaign of annoyance by asking Irene whether she's the one on whom Jon had a crush. Like, if you know who Jon is, you clearly watched the L.A. season, so why would you not know that? I hate Matt. Irene tells us that her daughters are still too young to understand, but she wants them to know that "their mommy was cool at one time." She was never cool.
The London cast (minus Jay and Jacinda) sits around chatting. London Mike has a normal haircut now. The cameramen surprise Kat, and Neil scolds the camera. London Mike tells us that he still loves racing, but that he doesn't get to drive as much as he used to. Then, because we apparently are supposed to care even more about this subject, Melissa asks Mike whether he's still driving, and Mike says that he owns a racecar team. Translation: Daddy bought me a racecar team. Kameelah is standing there talking to L.A. Irene and some others when suddenly she screams and runs away. Not because she's bored, although I can see why you'd think that. It's because Rebecca (her Challenge teammate) has arrived. Kameelah gives Rebecca a big hug.
Cynthia grabs Kevin's hands to check for a wedding ring, and doesn't find one. Heh. Cynthia tells us that she's had several jobs, but hasn't found one with which she's totally happy yet. Join the club. ["Dude, I'm sitting right here. Don't spit in my face." -- Wing Chun] I mean, except recapping, but that's not full-time. Rebecca tells us that she's singing. Well, so am I -- in the shower. New Orleans David says that he's got an album deal with "Skrewface Records." Is that label named after the faces he makes when he sings? Beth S. is producing her first feature film. Miami Mike has worked as a private investigator with his family. Jamie was arrested for bungee jumping from the Golden Gate Bridge. Heh. I love how they still refuse to pimp his stupid website. L.A. David, who is looking even skinnier than usual, pimps his website, but he uses a few too many W's. Kevin still can't believe that "the mighty 'Dre is here." Andre looks really uncomfortable and asks what he's doing there. Andre compares an interview to getting drilled at the dentist. Jason asks Jo what season she was on. Heh. New Orleans Matt is all explaining who she is while Judd stands by, useless as usual. Jason clearly still doesn't remember her. Judd explains that his roommates "voted somebody off the island" which is such a stupid thing to say and I hate Judd. Jo asks where Puck is, and Judd hopes he's not coming. Jo thinks he'll be there. Kevin asks the camera whether Puck is coming. I am so sick of Puck at this point -- he only acts like an idiot because it gets him attention.
The Real World Tenth Anniversary Special
Cue Puck approaching, like, how much longer are BMP and Puck going to milk this "Puck is a bad boy" thing? Isn't Puck, like, forty now? Puck kicks open the door because he is a bad-ass. In an interview, Puck says that the first season in New York was "pretty raw." Cut to a clip montage featuring Becky being called a racist, Eric's semi-naked photo shoot, Julie asking whether Eric's girlfriend is a skeezer, and Eric and Heather rapping in a recording studio. Puck explains that he had "a special introspective [sic] into it" because he dated Eric's sister. Andre asks Eric whether his sister is really dating Puck; Eric denies it and laughs.
Now, Puck talks about L.A. This montage includes David talking about the Confederate flag, the Great Styrofoam War, and of course, David pulling the blanket off Tami. Puck says that when David got kicked off the show, it bummed Puck out. David explains to the camera that his season started the trend of kicking people off the show.
Puck feels that "San Francisco is the best, hands down." Why am I not surprised? This montage includes Pedro giving his ultimatum to Puck, and the roommates deciding that Puck should leave. Puck now explains, "When it happened, it didn't feel good," because people he trusted betrayed him.
Now it's time to take a look at London. We see Lars and Jacinda meeting for the first time. Puck says there are "people on the London show that [he] just can't stand." Somewhere, Gustave nods in agreement, which is probably the only time he will agree with Puck, ever. Puck offers up Neil as an example, and claims that Neil's band is horrible. Wow, I can't believe how much I'm agreeing with Puck. We revisit Neil getting his tongue bitten, which we've already seen once, but really, not much else happened during the season. As evidence, I offer up the fact that the London montage is now over.
The Real World Tenth Anniversary Special
The Miami season is introduced with a montage of all the businesses they thought up and then failed to open during a meeting with Landon. Puck explains that they got $50,000 to start a business, and that BMP thought that would bring great ratings. Cut to Flora saying, "The business is not going to happen." Puck channels everyone on the forums when he says that if you gave him $50,000, he would make "so much money." In a current interview, Mike says that they may have lost the money, but that Puck taught him how to get high by licking a frog's ass. What? What does that have to do with anything? Flora laughs at Mike.
Time for the Boston montage. It begins with that annoying confessional from the end of the season where Syrus was rapping, and Montana and Elka were wearing bike helmets, and Sean was useless. Puck tells us that he never saw Syrus in the house during the season. Syrus claims that he was "out getting [his] party on," and that we would have done the same thing. Puck then claims that Syrus has "a big old head." And that's it for Boston. Seriously, they only showed that confessional and a quick clip of the roommates having dinner together.
So we move on to Seattle. Various roommates do an air check for the radio station where they worked. Puck claims that the Seattle cast had a cool house and lame people. Back at the photo shoot, New Orleans Matt continues his campaign of annoyance, this time taking out Stephen. Matt claims that the only episode of the Seattle season he saw was when Stephen slapped Irene. Stephen laughs and says they ran the show "fifteen or sixteen times." Or more. Puck is upset that Stephen didn't get kicked out. Join the club. Rebecca says that everyone remembers her as being on the season where the guy slapped the girl. Rebecca wishes that people would get over it. But if they get over that incident, then they will get over her as well. Perhaps she should rethink it. Also, Rebecca's head still looks like an egg.
These montages get more and more lame as they go on. Hawaii is introduced by showing people looking around the house and being amazed. Basically, instead of trying to put together a montage that, I don't know, represented the season in some way, it seems that the editors just looked for footage that supported whatever Puck was spouting off at the time. Puck says that the Hawaii season had "arguably the best house, because it's in Hawaii." Puck continues, "Ruthie? Can I get drunk on TV? Please?" I don't even know what that means. Is he complaining that Ruthie got famous for getting drunk, and anyone can get drunk? I don't know.
The Real World Tenth Anniversary Special
Eric and Melissa are back to introduce #3 on the countdown of greatest moments. Melissa doesn't want to talk about it, but it's when she got drunk and stripped in New Orleans. Hee! That was funny. It's funnier now that I've seen the whole season and can appreciate how out of character it was for Melissa to get so drunk.
Back at the party, Dan brings up Melissa stripping. How many times are we going to hear this? Kat and Sharon go to a confessional and discuss Brazilian bikini waxes. Cynthia is lying on top of Kevin on a couch somewhere. Dan calls Flora "the pioneering spirit in the bitch reality TV movement" and asks if she's "a positive role model for the bitch community in America." Hee! Flora is honored to be called a bitch. Eric says that they are the only people in entertainment to be themselves all the time. Shut up, Eric. Sharon tells the viewers only to go on the show if they are certifiably insane. Flora claims that she's a very nice person. Teck does a rap in the confessional. Then comes the "my CD is coming out soon" montage. Heather B. has a CD coming out. So does Stephen. So does Jon, who actually has a copy in hand. Ruthie has a song coming out. Mohammed has a studio in his house. Rebecca has a CD out. New Orleans David has a CD out. I'm sure they will all be available soon in bargain bins everywhere.
John Norris introduces the "production crew crosses the line" segment. First up: Becky and Bill in New York. Now Becky says that she's not proud but she's not ashamed. At the first reunion, Becky tells an audience member that she does feel a little responsible for Bill getting fired. Yet another segment that wasn't in the reunion special we saw. Heather tells Jon and Rachel about Becky's affair. Heather reveals that the affair was going on for a while, but didn't really blossom until the girls went to Jamaica. John Norris voice-overs that after Becky and Bill, the production staff had to sign contracts saying that they wouldn't get involved with the cast, "but that didn't stop Kira and David." Montage of David being really fucking dramatic. At the 2000 reunion, David says that he doesn't regret the relationship. At the Christian virgin conference, Julie brings up when David said, "You don't even know!" Hey, I thought she never watched the show before she went on it! Julie says that you aren't allowed to talk to production, so it's really naughty to think about someone having a relationship. Elka says that after she went to see her mother's grave, the director thanked her for sharing that moment. Jon says that the show is about having your life touch people.
The Real World Tenth Anniversary Special
Back at the party, Cynthia introduces the DJ for the party. It's Lars. People dance. Dan interviews Sean and Rachel, who reveal that they just flew in from Wisconsin. Heather and Cynthia agree that "it's a blessing to have everyone together like this." Cory tells Dan that she is teaching in Costa Rica, and flew home just for the party. She looks great, by the way. Sean reveals that Rachel is pregnant with their second kid. Dan interviews Andy Dick, asking him which season was his favorite. Andy Dick says that he mixes them all up in his head, and he thinks Puck was on with the guy who slapped that bitch. Dan says that Stephen went through anger management. Lindsay whispers something that I can't hear and it's not captioned on my tape. Dan asks Stephen whether, with all the buzz about the slap, it's difficult to move beyond the incident. Stephen responds, "I love the buzz, but who's Irene?" I hate him. Dan replies, "Maybe if you smacked me around a little bit, I could remember." I love Dan. Andy Dick claims that Stephen introduced himself as "that guy who slapped that bitch." ["I hope that's true, and that some incredibly crazed Irene fan Valerie Solanases Stephen's punk ass." -- Wing Chun]
Dan asks Amaya about Colin's and Matt's not being there. Amaya says it's not really her problem. Teck says he's not surprised, since they didn't come to the reunion either. Ruthie says that if you want to ask about that, you watch too much television. Dan asks L.A. David whether the stigma of being the first person kicked off a reality television show will ever wear off. David says he started "the tribal council." Dan, at a loss for words, responds, "Well, you've gotta be proud of something." Heh. In a confessional, Andre holds up a fist with the word "PUCK" written on his knuckles, one letter per finger. Andre says that Puck has "a lot of misguided anger." When did Andre turn into a fatter Johnny Depp? Rachel and Sean reveal that they have one of Puck's dogs. Syrus yells that Puck is a rock star. Dan asks Miami Mike what their deal was with not starting a business. Mike says it meant nothing, and that they never could have started a business; they joke about keeping the money, which they totally didn't get to do. Mike is really drunk. Sarah tells Cynthia that she feels very uncomfortable there. Wouldn't you be? I mean, besides the people from your own season, you don't know these people, and you're instantly supposed to be friends with them. David from New Orleans talks so fast that I can't understand him, but I think he said something about learning from his mistakes. Melissa and Kelley from New Orleans say that they've made up and are friends. New Orleans David says that being on the show allows you to be yourself, and to find out whether you like who you are. Or, you could just have a semblance of self-awareness and find that out without going on the show.
The Real World Tenth Anniversary Special
Eric and Melissa are back, but before they reveal the top moment in Real World history, they have to go to New York. Then they are somehow magically transported to New York, and they're in the Season Ten New York house. We don't get to see much of it, but it's huge. Finally, they reveal that the #1 moment in Real World history was the Miami three-way. It still cracks me up when Flora tries to hoist her ass through the window. After watching the footage, Melissa asks Miami Mike for the truth on what happened. Mike claims that he "took a back seat and watched the two of them do a little spanky sucky." AAARGH! Too much information.
John Norris thanks us for voting online. Now it's time to find out what the show meant to the cast members. Becky says she's happy she did it. Heather says she shares a connection with her former roommates. Nathan says that the show gives you the opportunity to change, because you see yourself. Syrus says that being on the show "touches each and every sense that you have as a human being." Janet, who wasn't at the photo shoot nor at the party, somehow appears in an interview, where she says that life isn't supposed to be the way it is on television, and it's not a twenty-two-minute up-and-down experience. John Norris voice-overs that, while in New York, Eric shared an experience with the cameras. Eric and Melissa get all serious in Central Park. Eric explains that he went into show business because he had no other options without a college degree. Wow, I was unaware that not going to college meant that you have to go into show business. Eric says that he hosted The Grind and he got a manager who had power of attorney and handled all of his business. ["Kim, why did you stop recapping the anniversary special and start recapping the MC Hammer episode of Behind the Music?" -- Wing Chun] Just when I think he's going to start talking about "the bad touch," Eric reveals that his manager stole a quarter of a million dollars from him. Wait, Eric had a quarter of a million dollars at one point? Couldn't his NBA referee dad have hooked him up with a lawyer? Anyway, this caused Eric to consider suicide, but he decided to rebuild himself. This is a sad story and everything, but it's Eric! I can't take him seriously. Eric claims that the experience has caused him to be "a responsible, respectful, and humble human being." Heh.