Previously on The Real World: Kelley said her feeling about romance are open; Melissa thought Jamie is "unobtainable" and Julie admitted that when she met Matt, she thought he'd be the one she'd get together with. Who asked you, Julie? Just shut up.
Multiple shots of freeway traffic. Yes sir, that New Orleans sure is beautiful and exotic! It appears to be either early morning or dusk and Kelley and Jamie are sitting on the porch discussing relationships. Jamie wants to know if Kelley is a "relationship person." She's not; she has problems staying with any one person for very long. Then she does admit she's getting to the point where she's ready to change that pattern. She tosses the same question back to Jamie, who in his adenoidal voice claims to be "adverse to marriage and long-term, single-person relationships kind of thing." While he's saying this, he makes the strangest gesture of pushing hair he doesn't have behind either ear. In an interview Jamie says that Kelley is beautiful and he's attracted to her. His voice-over continues over a shot of Jamie and Kelley playing chess (as if!), and he ventures that perhaps Kelley is attracted to him as well. Back on the porch, Jamie is continuing to wallow in his black-and-white approach toward the opposite sex. He explains there are two types of women: the ones you don't know or don't want you, and the ones who want to be married to you. That would actually be three types of women Jamie, but more importantly I find it extremely hard to believe that you have a problem with so many women dying to marry you. Jamie wishes women could understand there's a whole world between the extremes; he wants to meet someone who just wants to hook up once in a while. What a prince. How old is this loser anyway? During this explanation of the World of Jamie, Kelley stares at him, almost motionless, with her hands clutched near her face. She's thinking, "Oh god, another 'playa.' Spare me immature men trying to justify their inability to view women as useful for anything other than sex." Or maybe that was just me. Jamie concludes that if he "met the woman that rocks [his] world, [he'd] totally be singing off a different sheet of music." Kelley gives him a look that screams, "What? You moron." Or maybe I'm projecting?
Melissa and Jamie are working at a bank of equipment, perhaps at the television station. In an interview, Melissa, who appears to be wearing one of those brown things your barber wraps around you to keep the hair out of your shirt, says she's attracted to Jamie. This guy must have something that doesn't translate to the camera because I'm not getting it AT ALL. Melissa and Jamie banter a little about his past girlfriends. In an interview or confessional -- I'm not sure which -- Jamie explains that last summer he started a website for extreme sports, except he says it much more pretentiously. Stupid Jamie's stupid website always crashes my browser, so excuse me if I don't faint with excitement over his web skills. ["It didn't crash my browser, but I agree that it sucks ass; first of all, it plays that annoying music, and the 'music on/off' link doesn't work. Second, clicking on any of the top nav link to 'about us' just opens an identical window. Third, it's really choppy -- and I have an ADSL connection. Fourth, for an e-commerce site, it's really hard to navigate. Fifth...uh, I digress. But I'm sure that Kim, who is a UI expert, would have plenty more complaints about the site, so it's fortunate for her that she was on vacation this week!" -- Wing Chun] Back with Melissa, Jamie tells her he doesn't have time for a commitment. Not enough hours in the day for poor old busy Jamie. That and the fact that he can't relate to women as anything other than sperm receptacles.
Shots of a tire shop and a trolley. Some random morning, David and Jamie are working in the living room while Kelley and Melissa spy on them from the kitchen. Melissa is dressed down and sipping coffee and says that Jamie is "beautiful." Not seeing it, folks. Melissa thinks that Jamie is attractive because he's unavailable and only has time for "Palm Pilots, cell phones and dot-coms." Kelley, who's is looking pretty dressed-up, in a rumpled way, with a wacky hair part and lots of jewelry, whispers to Melissa that Jamie thinks she's cute too. And then they all run out on the playground to play kickball before naptime. Sheesh. Melissa says, "I'm a Tootsie Roll to his Godiva. I'm three for a dollar and he's priceless," displaying an earth-shattering lack of self-confidence and the need for stronger glasses . Get this girl into therapy fast! Kelley giggles that she wish she could be as up-front as Melissa and Melissa responds, "I like to own my feelings." Kelley giggles again and then responds shiritily, "Well, good for you." Apparently Kelley owns her feelings but just doesn't share them. I hate all these simpering drama queens. In case we were all dropped on our heads as babies, Melissa now comes on in an interview explaining that both she and Kelley are attracted to Jamie. WHAT?! Why didn't they tell me before? We end the segment with a shot of Jamie, and it looks like he's talking into one of those headset phones. Because I guess he's doing so much with his hands loafing about in the Real World house that he can't use a regular phone.
Melissa and Julie go for a walk because all the boys are bugging Melissa and she wants to get out of the house. Melissa makes Julie admit she likes Matt. Julie says she's not his type. That's the impression I've gotten so far; in fact, Matt seems so frigid and judgmental that I'm not sure any person is his type. Melissa insists that since Matt and Julie are both "innocent and sweet," they do belong together. Julie admits she wouldn't object to that. In a confessional she says she'd like to know Matt "biblically" and then says she was kidding. I'm thinking of taking up a collection to get braces for Julie because her protruding top teeth almost put my eyes out every time she grins.
Danny (yay!), Kelley, and Jamie are in the kitchen. Jamie is wearing a blue polo neck shirt with a white T-shirt underneath, and that alone is reason enough that no woman should ever date him. I guess they're discussing extreme sports and Kelley and Danny are excited to find one that Jamie has never done: skydiving. Apparently, however, Jamie owns his own bungee for jumping and started a mountain-biking club at his school. Oh, take me now, penis-boy. Jamie states that pushing yourself physically helps you learn about yourself mentally, but I think that only applies in his case, where there obviously isn't much to learn about mentally, if you know what I mean.
In her bedroom Kelley whines to Julie and Melissa that Jamie makes her feel like she's never done anything. Melissa says, "Look at me. I thought I was going to China and instead I went to Waffle House," which doesn't make any sense but is pretty funny. I'm going to give Melissa the benefit of the doubt and assume that comment referred to an earlier conversation. Melissa continues that she's "carnally interested" in Jamie and includes some fantasy about barbecue sauce. It would take a lot more than that to make Jamie palatable, Melissa. With the swirly clouds behind her, Julie says she intrigued with "her" relationship with Jamie and it's not clear if she's referring to Melissa or Kelley. Whoever it is, Julie thinks "she" and Jamie have a lot in common. Back in the bedroom Julie asks Kelley is she's attracted to Jamie and Kelley admits he's "not too bad on the eyes" but won't go further.
Just when you think it can't get any worse, Melissa and Jamie are dirty dancing in what appears to be an empty club. It puts me in mind of Bead's Extra ("Media Whorin' with Jesus Freaks: InsideRW New Orleans") and how the Real Worlders were in special cordoned-off areas whenever they went out. In an interview, Jamie admits an attraction to Melissa but is reluctant to act on it because of the way it might affect their relationship. Or because, living with her, he wouldn't be able to escape emotional involvement. One or the other. Kelley and Jamie dance on a more crowded dance floor, and in an interview Kelley says she thinks Jamie's "hot" and when she's had a few drinks she has a hard time not acting on it. She then says "hot" in relation to Jamie twenty-seven more times. What are they putting in those poor girls' water? Has Bunim-Murray instituted some sort of night-time hypnosis? "You will find Jamie attractive. You will say on camera that Jamie is 'hot.'" Over tape of Kelley possessively tugging on Jamie in a club she says she thinks he's "hiding something." A Jamie voice-over calls Kelley "forbidden fruit." He doesn't want the complexity of the added physical element. I don't write this stuff, people, I just report it. Over tape of the two of them walking down the street and Jamie rubbing his hand up Kelley's side, he admits sometimes it's hard to got bed alone knowing such a beautiful woman is in the house.
Bizarre and suggestive shot of Kelley kneeling in front of Jamie's knees and then kissing one of his fingers. Cute Danny in that damn gray sweater says the house is "sexually charged."
Melissa is talking to Kelley in a sun porch area and finally says the quote from the incessant commercial about putting seven attractive people in a house together. She adds that she hopes she and Kelley won't be in a competition for Jamie. Kelley says that there's no competition and nobody will care if whether she or Melissa hooks up with Jamie. Melissa doesn't look convinced and I hope she's not looking pouty over the possibility that Jamie would choose Kelley over her. Be proud of your spunky Tootsie Roll, Melissa. In a confessional, Melissa says it would be best if no one in the house hooked up at all. In an interview, Kelley says she could have Jamie if she wanted him but then laughs in embarrassment. As the girls continue to discuss the situation Jamie enters the room wearing what looks like brief underwear on his head. Kelley just stares at him but Melissa ducks her head, looking guilty. They agree that Jamie shouldn't be such a topic of conversation and that they need to get out and meet other people.
Wow, I just fast-forwarded through about four minutes of commercials. That makes me feel better because I thought I was never going to finish this recap.
Jamie is on the phone with a friend named Jeff who is blathering about how Jamie shouldn't hook up with any women. Why? I do not know. Perhaps because Jeff thinks Jamie should save his extreme-sports-doing, polo-shirt-wearing, woman-loathing self for Jeff. Jamie says "temptation before Christ" and I had guessed he had a big ego, but really, that's going too far. In their bedroom Julie narcs to Kelley that she overheard Jamie telling his friend he hasn't hooked up with anyone in the house because he hasn't "put any energy into it." Kelley, the freak, admits she could see herself entering into something with Jamie but knows she would end up hurt because he doesn't care and she does.
Scary shot of Jamie pressing Melissa's face into his ass in a bar. In an interview, Kelley explains how she spotted a guy in a bar and took a chance on going over to meet him. The tape shows Kelley pointing the guy out to Melissa and then speaking with him. Later, Kelley tells Melissa and Jamie that the guy is smart, interesting and nice. In the bar, Melissa says the guy is beautiful and Kelley tells her and Jamie all about his being a medical resident and a surfer. Jamie makes light of this news and I can't decide whether it's because he's jealous (which is what "They" want us to think) or a moron (which I'm sure is true) or uncomfortable in front of the cameras (even if he is, he's still a moron). Kelley and Peter go somewhere together and Kelley indicates that she is getting along well with him. It looks like some phone numbers are being exchanged.
The morning sleepy Julie asks Kelley whether she met someone the night before. Melissa, who is sleeping with Kelley, gushes about Peter and Julie notes that with his dark hair, well-traveled, potentially wealthy attributes, Peter "sounds like somebody in this house." Melissa says he is like Jamie except he's not "retarded." Jamie peeks in the bedroom and gives a bizarre simpering "Good morning." He's seriously a black hole of personality.
Melissa and Jamie are hanging together and Melissa is mocking Jamie to someone on the phone. In an interview, Jamie says he's never had a friendship with a woman before like he has now with Melissa. What a choad. David makes his micro-second appearance saying he's not sure what's going on with Jamie and Melissa but that they're an unlikely pair like "Don King and Martha Stewart." Except Jamie is Martha Stewart in that analogy.
Kelley is seated on the red sofa, talking with Peter on the phone. She admits she was worried he wouldn't call and tells him that tonight she and Melissa are going to be in a drag show for the Chinese New Year. Apparently the show being organized by a guy named Anthony and there's some sort of pun based on drag/dragon. This is the point at which my small, nagging headache (started when Jamie pushed Melissa's face into his butt) turns into a full-blown crown of pain. Julie, Melissa and Kelley will not be dressing up as men, however, which makes me wonder how much drag will actually be in this show. Kelley offers to put Peter on the guest list and is excited when he indicates his interest.
Matt and Julie are playing pool, and Matt asks, in the most monotone voice this side of Ben Stein, if Julie's "fashion show" is tonight. He then pockets the fifty bucks the producer gave him to make this lame show of interest in the people living with him. Julie insists that Matt has to come and he rudely replies, "What makes you think I'm gonna be there at two in the morning?" What a creep. Matt then sulkily says he hates drags queens and that they're like "really messed-up clowns." Matt, hon, a guy in an obnoxious red and yellow sweater with hair and earrings like yours just doesn't have any room to talk. In fact, "scary messed-up clown" is your new nickname in my world. Julie is excited about the show and says she feels like Matt is "always on the bleachers." I'm not big fan of performance art myself but at least the women are trying out something new and not sulking around the house trying to avoid the cameras like Matt.
Melissa looks over some games in a cupboard and a voice off-camera suggests Mr. Bubble. She and Jamie tussle and then take a bubble bath together in the hot tub. They are wearing swimsuits, thank you God. Melissa says she deals with her attraction by being loud about it and Jamie says he likes Melissa's raw and blunt nature.
Some random clip of Kelley telling Julie that she doesn't think she'd be a good combination with Jamie. Sob. This doesn't even fit into the narrative at this point, not to mention that it's a point that has already been driven home with all the subtlety of an eighteen-wheeler smashing into a plate glass window.
Over the credits Jamie and Melissa flirt and wrestle and I'm too busy grabbing my pounding temples to recap all the bits-grabbing that goes on.
week on The Real World: Melissa is a drama queen some more.