Oh look, another Jet Ski. That must mean we're in Miami. The Miami Clown Machine (tm sgib) is talking about the business. Oh, lord. Joe wants his shares to be given to the dog. There's a shot of adorable puppy Leroy chewing on a hair tie. The rest of the group scoffs at Joe. I jam a pen into my eye (tm Jessica) because I am SO SICK of recapping non-business non-adventures. Melissa says, "This is not a freaking joke, this is a business," and can you guess how loudly I screamed that it is in fact a freaking joke? Did you hear me scream? Then you know how loud it was.
Cynthia's on the computer. Flora and Melis are talking about stuff not so far away from her. Leroy barks and nips at Cyn's ankles. She pushes him away with her slippered foot and remarks to the two gals, "Did you see that? Now when I pop his ass..." Flora interrupts snootily, saying, "Don't pop his ass. You don't have permission." Cynthia says she doesn't need permission. Flora says she's really serious. Yeah, a serious pain in the ass. Cynthia swivels around in her chair to face Flora and says, "Oh, I KNOW you're serious, and so am I!" Flora, bitch queen of the universe, picks up Leroy, who looks a little scared, and says passive-aggressively, "He's my dog. I'll sic him on you and he'll bite your ass." Cynthia shoots right back, "Then he can sic his ass right outside." Flora says, "Then I'll have to pop you." Oh my fucking god, where is all this coming from? What is Flora's fucking problem? Someone double her dose, or cut it in half, or something. Cynthia says she'd like to see Flora try. Yeah, cage fight! Two roomies enter, one roomie leaves. And it's not the Russian one. Then Flora drops the big one: "Cynthia, you better get your black attitude out of my face." What? WHAT? This is the part where Cynthia turns into a blur of fists and beats Flora's ass into pulp. No, she doesn't, but I wish she did. Cynthia stands up and says, "Excuse me? Black attitude?" Flora stalks around with the dog, wearing a white half-shirt that displays her Abs of Mush to great (and by "great" I mean "sickening") advantage, and says, "No really, you're being really rude." Um, NO, she IS NOT. YOU ARE, Flora. Cynthia says, "Your dog bit me. Control your dog." Then they cut away to an interview, where Cynthia explains, in case you didn't get it, that Flora's comment upset her: "She said something about 'black' and that just triggered me to defend myself." Back at the fight, Cyn says, "Me being black ain't got nothing to do with it." WORD. Flora and Mel stalk passive-aggressively away, and Cyn flips the bird and yells "bitch" after them. Yeah, what she said, infinity.
In a sunset-flooded interview, Cyn says she wants to go home and that she's stopped trying to forge relationships with people in the house. No wonder. They're assholes. Though she says "fake." So, to her sister's house in Atlanta it is.
Dan's going home to Kansas. Unfortunately, there's no vicious fight to precede his departure. Dang. Kansas has blue skies, green fields, lots of cows, yellow moons, purple horseshoes, and blue diamonds. No wait, that's Lucky Charms cereal. Well, Kansas has most of that stuff.
Cynthia's plane lands in Atlanta. A hugging-and-crying montage begins. "Its too much excitement for a day!" exclaims Cyn. Aww. Her mom is there with her sisters. They call themselves "The Four Sapphires." Cool, like a gang! They land at Cynthia's sister's house, look at family photos, check out a video of all of them riding a roller coaster (funny stuff), and then make a spaghetti dinner. All is well until -- crash! Somehow the camera misses the spaghetti sauce falling on the floor. Cyn's mom looks crushed. Everyone laughs and suggests throwing the spaghetti down there too, and eating off the floor. Cyn's mom says, "Unbelievable!" What a bunch of sweethearts.
Kansas: No sign of Dorothy and her little dog. Kansas looks open and green. Dan and his mom head out to lunch. They talk about Arnie, and Dan reveals that Arnie's parents have ostracized him because he's gay. Dan's mom says that Arnie can't change, and that "he can't give his parents what they want." Then she suggests that Dan move in with Arnie! Whoa, pretty evolved -- but Arnie's all in the closet and shit. Dan makes a million faces that all say "urgh," chomps on ice cubes, and says no way.
Dan's mom and dad, sitting in a swing. They talk about their son's gayness, his gayosity, his gay-it-tude. He's gay, y'all. They love their alive gay son!
Dan's in the kitchen, helping his mom cook. It involves a lot of tin foil, for some reason. His mom talks about her live gay son and Dan relays that it's "wonderful" to hear her talk this way. Then, dad comes in, blinks, and stands solidly. Dan blinks rapidly and asks fey-ley, "Would you like to help us make anisette toast?" Hell no, Dan's dad is a MAN! He don't make that sissy toast. Kidding. Dan's dad leaves and parks it in his La-Z-Boy. Now, this could be an editing blip -- does Dan's dad leave because they're cooking and he doesn't want to help, or does he leave because he can't join in the Live Gay Chat they're having? Dan floats out to the living room and makes a few dozen wistful faces, lets out a few bitter laughs, then jumps on the counter to watch his mom shake out a few more dozen feet of tin foil. She describes how, when Dan came out, she had no one to talk to, and that she "had no idea" Dan was gay. Dan makes a few cracks about the tap-dancing lessons he had, and she shoots back with the fact that Gene Kelley tap-danced and HE wasn't gay. Don't forget Sammy Davis Jr.! Then, fueling stereotypes, she says, "I should have known when you ran all over the baseball field instead of running the bases." The kissing boys thing should have tipped you off too, Mrs. Dan's Mom.
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There's a shot of a rainy airport, and then - wham! -- Dan is back home in Miami. Nice transition, I know. Dan's eating chips and a jar of cheese and describes who his plane seatmates were: a massive bodybuilder guy and some trucker dude who chewed tobacco. With a mouthful of chips, Dan intones, "God bless Kansas." Then after rehashing the parental acceptance stuff, he says, "Best trip home ever." Yay!
Hanky-banks calls to play phone-footsie with Melissa. Dan says he's going out with Johnny soon. Yay, Johnny! The Cuban Pat Smear! Dan calls Johnny "perfect" and says he "gets that fuzzy feeling" when he's around him. Aww! Johnny's an aspiring writer. He and Dan sit on the dock, and the sparks fly between them.
Sushi date with Dan and Arnie. Arnie gets jealous about Dan's earlier date with Johnny. Dan shoves sushi in his mouth, tries to rationalize dating two guys, and the closed captioning says, "Mumbles incoherently." I love closed captioning. Arnie dissolves into passive-aggressive whining and says, "Go out with whoever you want!" Dan yells, "I DO!" Arnie loses his appetite. There's a shot of all the uneaten sushi. Mmm, sushi.
An ad for Snickers comes on, starring my Panda Fancy reading-boyfriend, who must be a good person because he loves pandas, and I wonder if he likes sushi and if he'd want to go get some with me sometime. Then I realize that my very active crush life is taking a turn for the weird, and I need a real date, soon. Sigh.
Sunset. Johnny picks up Dan for a real date. Grr. They go to Bangkok Bangkok, a Thai place. Could they have picked a more sexually loaded name? Maybe Chokesondick or Fuckmenow? Jesus. They talk a bit about business and then make a ton of innuendo: "Wanna get the Kissme Chicken?" "I want the Little Big Man." Oh, just go do it already! Make the baby! Dan and Johnny! Sitting in a tree! Eating the Kissme Chicken and banging their cocks together! Yeah, I'm jealous.
We're back in Atlanta. Cynthia's family hangs out and talks. There's a bit of tension when Cynthia says that her mom wasn't as affectionate as she would have liked. Her mom says, "Every time there's something wrong, it goes back to the parents." Well, you could blame it on heavy metal or MTV. Kidding. Then Cynthia says she regrets not getting to know her father like the rest of her sisters did. Sonja says, "Let's not talk about that, that's too deep." Yeah, deeply sad. Then they all sing, in perfect three-part harmony, "Why Do Fools Fall in Love." Dude! They can really sing!
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Cynthia says goodbye to her family at the airport. Everyone cries. A hugging, crying montage goes on and on. Everyone says, "Please don't cry, you're going to make me cry!" Sonja's little daughter cracks me up by saying, "I can see you crying, momma!" More laughter, more tears.
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