Joe's having another excruciating phone call with Nic. Aren't they all? She's nagging him about -- you guessed it -- the business: "It's too late! You didn't do what you needed to do! If everyone did as much as you did, you'd already have a business." Oh my sweet fucking god, I can't believe this isn't the threesome episode. The threesome and the Flora-flashing episodes are the only things I have left to look forward to. The business failed! We all know that! But, I must go on. I must be Wing's favorite Real World Recapper! Because, people, I don't do this for money. I do it for love. And to make fun of people. Which I also love. Anyway, after Nic crushes Joe's wee soul some more, we see Dan jet-skiing in circles, a bikini-clad Flora writing some notes as she suns herself, and Sarah playing with Leroy the sweet, sweet doggie with an empty notebook close by. Flora relays, "They don't want to work, not Mike, not Dan, not Melissa, not Sarah, everyone except Joe and I are gonna bail, I bet my share on it." What about Cynthia? Doesn't she get a mention? And AGAIN with the as-yet-non-existent-share betting? Criminy.
Business meeting, a.k.a. couch-slumping time. Landon's looking about a million years old. Somebody preserve him in amber, fast. The Miami Clown Machine (tm sgib) is debating about hiring an attorney. Dan says this lawyer guy he met "is so cool." Dude, like, where do you sign? No really, they don't know, where? Joe says this is "a voting issue," and that the lawyer dude wants to meet with them. Landon reminds them that meeting with attorneys in their offices usually runs around $175 an hour. Dude, I am so going to law school. Right after this. Cyn is against the pricey meeting, imploring, "Let's not spend all of the money yet." Joe says, "It's the only way it's gonna happen." Then, Chaos Ensues as the patented Tense Guitars are turned up way loud and everyone yells over each other. Some choice bits from Joe go like, "There's no gray area with this group, it's all black and white...Are you gonna seize this opportunity, or are you gonna sit on your ass?" I scream, "THEY'RE GONNA SIT ON THEIR ASS! AND SO ARE YOU! FOREVER!" but it still doesn't make me feel like recapping this baloney. Landon yells, "What in the hell are you guys gonna do?" They do NOTHING, Landon, NOTHING! Pack it in, hang it up, go get a drink, and laugh at these jokers. What a bunch of clowns. Then, the Ascending Chord of Chaos plays feverishly, and one by one, the Miami Clown Machine gets up and leaves. Sarah remains parked on the couch and says, "Where'd everybody go, man?" Dude, they all split man. Bummer. And the grunge plays on.
Joe's out to lunch...with Landon. He has a Penn sweatshirt on. Boo Penn! Yay Temple! Ahem. Joe whines and complains: "I'm not happy...not comfortable...I don't want to work with this group of people." Landon looks unhappy, uncomfortable, and baggy. I'm so sure he feels the same way. I'd even bet my share on it. Joe keeps on whining, "I don't wish to give myself to a process with individuals that don't deserve, I think, to own a business." Landon stares at Joe. Joe stares at Landon. I stare at the TV. The dog stares at me. This is lame.
Cynthia's on the phone with Trevor, the love of her life that treats her like doody. Sigh. She's trying to tell him that she's moving to Miami. He isn't happy about that. He says, "What do you want me to say?" She says, "What?" "Huh?" "What what?" "Am I supposed to be happy?" Oh my god, DUMP THE LOSER ALREADY! They fight (tm Ace). Trevor whines, "Miami isn't just across the street." In parts of Miami it is. They have a whatever-off, and then Cyn says, "He makes me feel bad, and I feel worse without him." Smells like a self-help book to me: What to Do when You Feel Worse Without the Man that Makes You Feel Bad, Anyway. Maybe I'll just stick to the recaps. Cyn says she's gonna get off the phone and Trevor HANGS UP ON HER. What an ass.
Another business meeting. The couch slumping would ensue, but they're at the dinner table. Joe does his Brooklyn Elvis impression ("tank yew, tank yew very much") and tells the group that he's "gonna pass on leadership" because he's "not happy." Landon purses is lips. Cyn is mad. Flora says she doesn't trust anyone to lead because "[they] are all bullshit artists, [they] are all slackers, [they] are all con artists, except for Joe." A pan around the table reveals grim faces amundo.
Joe swims in the pool, forlornly, and alone. The stupid music plays, with some grunge lady singing, "I'm so sorry I had to kick your ass." No she's not. Dan says, "If he's gonna shave his head or change his religion or move to a foreign country it's one thing...it's clear he got sick of working with us." Uh. Doy. Duh. Duh infinity! WE. KNOW. Anvil infinity. Joe continues to splash around, alone, alone.
Mailman! He has on a pith helmet. Hee. He even knows the names of the roomies. Snoop. Snoopy the mailman! Cyn gets a letter from an ex-boyfriend who's in jail. Is this the subplot this week? Cyn's loser boyfriends? Oh boy. He's about to get married (like the Kecklers!) but he's hoping Cynthia will step forward instead of forever holding her peace. As. If. Cyn reads excerpts of his letter to Arnie and Dan: "I will go through with it unless you stop me." Arnie remarks how strange it is "having a guy locked up, thinking about (Cynthia)." Cyn yells, "Think about getting out and getting a life!" Word.
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Nighttime. Sarah's on the phone with a homie. She's thinking Landon is going to "take the cash back" because Joe bailed. The other line clicks in and she takes a message because Joe is still in the pool. Isn't he all raisin-y by now? Someone's coming to visit Joe tomorrow. Sarah's like, yeah, I'll tell him.
We get some shots of things that are so staccato and random they're like still photography: plane, car, house, and Jumo. Jumo is Joe's friend. Get it, he arrived on the plane then went to the house. God, I'm becoming quite the anvil myself. Jumo walks through the house yelling Joe's name with Leroy in his arms until Joe emerges, looking groggy. They hug and stuff. Jumo gives Joe a Snoopy book that was "a collector's item, last one in the store." Joe says, "Oh, snap!" which has to be one of my favorite expressions of the early-to-mid nineties. It's part of a triumvirate: Oh dip, oh snap, and oh, sweat. That's how we used to kick it back in the old school. But I digress. Jumo and Joe...sitting in a tree? Naah. K-I-S-S-I-N-G? Mmmaybe. Not.
Cynthia feels "betrayed" by Joe's abandonment. They have a confrontation in the kitchen. He says, "You gotta think of the reasons behind it." Which are? Dude, just say it. SAY YOU HATE THEM. SAY. IT. Cyn calls him "a different Joe." Sounds like a shitty John Knolwes novel. Which is to say, all of them. Heh. Cyn reads him the riot act for a bit, ending with why she thinks Joe gave up: "You have a business! You have a degree! You can go anywhere and get a career-type job!" Then she says she's "just gonna work 'til June sixteenth and then take [her] ass back home. [She's] not dealing with this business shit no more." Joe leaves. Cyn puts her head on the counter for a while then leaves, too. The Tense Guitars play tensely, and we're out.
A stupid song plays: "I been down-hearted baby! I been downhearted baby! EEEEVER since the day we met! EEEEVER since the day we met!" SHUT. UP. Wanker. It's Joe and Jumo, sitting on the dock. Heh. Jumo is dropping some anvil-sized science on Joe: "You don't want to get involved, but you want to help. That doesn't make any sense. You can't help without getting involved. You have to get back." Get back! Get back! Get beck to where...oh, sorry. Joe acts all tortured and grabs his head, sounding exactly like Elmer Fudd and wondering, "Why do I care? Why the fuck do I care? Oh, but I do care." EEEVER since the day we met! EEEEVER since the day we met!
Sarah is playing with Leroy the puppy. Mike says she came up with a business plan in a day. Flora asks, "Is it profitable?" Sarah says yeah. Enter Delicious Deliveries, a precursor to Kozmo.com. Sarah explains, "Delicious Deliveries is simply home delivery of cakes and treats." Sarah explains to Flora that they will all start at $15 an hour because the start-up is so cheap. Dude! That's like $31,200 a year! No small change -- and this is in like 1995! Buy stock in Apple, you won't regret it.
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Now we're with Mark, Sarah's balding boss. He's making calls and planning meetings for Delicious Deliveries, talking to Sarah about payroll control. In other words, he's an as-yet unpaid consultant. Foreshadowing, people. Mike makes a million changes to a meeting they have with a vendor (because he wants to go to some free event at the Hard Rock Café), and Mark gets all Sipowicz on Sarah. His eyes bug, he blinks, and they set the time for the meeting. "That's why there's going to be one person in charge," he rasps. Mark adds grit!
We're back at the house, where a massive array of gooey desserts is laid out. Hey, they have to know what they're selling, right? Mark says, "It's best to take a few bites and then move on." The pig-out commences. I am so jealous. Joe says he is "impressed" with what Sarah has done. Now he wants to see her "get productivity out of the other group members." All RIGHT, Doubty McPessimist. The group stuffs their faces some more, except for Joe. 'Cause he quit, remember? Then Joe bursts out with, "Am I welcome here? Am I welcome?" Cynthia yells "NO!" but not at that moment -- she does it later and they edit it in. Sarah eats pie and they, the editors, play Warrant's "Cherry Pie." Oh. My. Fucking. God. Then she says, "I thought small. Putting a piece of cake and a fork in a bag with a menu...I though even my roommates could do that." But do they?
week: Joe almost flunks out of his MBA program and flies to NYC to save his teeny tiny ass. Ooh, the suspense!
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