Sunrise. Beach. Boat. House. Inside the beach house on this gorgeous Miami morning, we learn that Dan's entire family is coming for a visit. Two brothers (one's fourteen, the other twenty-five) along with the parental units. Dan feels "uncomfortable" with this and anticipates "conflict" during the four-day visit. He heaves a giant sigh. I yawn expansively. My dog settles down for a nap.
Dan shows Mike his modeling book. There are a lot of pictures of Dan in it. Wow. During their non-chat we learn that Dan has gotten the cover of a magazine -- well, a free monthly for the gay community. Still, he's a cover boy. Dan feels he looks like a "big queer" in the photo. Considering it's for a gay magazine, maybe that's a good thing? But no, he's worried about what his mom will think. Sigh. Mike says Dan is "rising to the big time." Yeah, dude. Watch him go. Oh, wait.
Mike's on the phone with Old Heather. Even though we haven't seen her yet, we all know the woman is old. Not just older than Mike -- she's OLD. She's soccer-mom old. She's musty-old-book old. Dirt? The hills? Sliced bread? All not as old as Old Heather. Old Heather is gushing in a manner more becoming to, say, a fifteen-year-old who knows her conversation with her b.f. is not going to be on television: "I've never loved anybody like I love you! I've never felt this way before!" Really? In all your many years, no one has ever set your old boat afloat the way Mike does? How very sad. Mike holds his head in his hands during the gush. He then calls Old Heather his "ex-girlfriend of two and a half years." So they've been exes for two and a half years, or what? Syntax, people! Mike goes on to say, "There's a lot of issues...I'm confused." No, you're just a lunkhead, honey. Back to Old Heather's yammering: "I believe things happen for a reason, and that timing is everything...." Mike, the clod, says, "I'm twenty-four years old, I've got a lot of things to do." Yeah, like not starting a business and having a threesome. Those are in your immediate future. Enjoy! Old Heather then invites Mike up to Boston for a long weekend. By the enthusiasm in his voice I can only imagine she agreed to buy his plane ticket.
Hands are pushing food around on plates at a restaurant. Really, the shot is that tight. Hands moving food, that's all I've got. Then Mike says, "I am not ready. She would dedicate her life to making me happy. But I'm not ready." God, presumptuous much? Who ever said that's what relationships are anyway -- one person trying to make the other one happy? In a slob's dreams, I guess. Joe, the other set of hands, says, "Don't worry about that -- worry when she stops." Oh, GAWD. Then Joe sputters and gags -- proof there is a higher power! He says, "I got a bone!" Mike says "heh," so I don't have to. No, it's actually a jagged piece of metal. Gnarly! There's a really good shot of it over Joe's shoulder. Mike gets happy and says, "That's a free meal. You always want the bad thing at the end, so you get a full meal for free." Oh, the Tao of Mike is so flawed. In response to this I only can think of the schoolyard joke: What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? Biting into an apple and finding half a worm. Joe says he is "skeeved." I should hope so.
We get an overhead shot of the house, then, meet LEROY! The cute, caramel-colored puppy! So cute! Flora dubs herself "Aunt Flora" and says she "will take care of him," even though it's Sarah's dog. Sarah says Leroy is going to look like her when he grows up. Mmmkay.
, the camera zooms in on Melissa writing a sex email. Holy! It's to "Beloved Sex Fiend," and while I won't transcribe the thing, it's about a lollipop and saliva and places to put saliva and things to do with lollipops. Is that enough, you horny bastards? Meanwhile, Dan is "nervous and uptight" about his parent's upcoming visit. One person who is NOT uptight would be Melissa, what with the sex emails. Holy, as I said already. Ding-dong! Dan runs to the door.
The patented Tense Guitars are replaced with Triumphant Guitars as Dan's family comes in and meets everyone. Melissa is slightly flushed and grinning. Oh boy. Dan blabs at high speed about the photo shoot he had today, which then cuts away to an interview segment of Dan saying his dad wold be happy if he were "selling shoes" because that's an "honest living" with a "paycheck." Dan, no one's dad is that simple. Then we're treated to a clip of Dan's dad asking in an incredulous tone, "You did that photo shoot for free? My kids don't get jobs that pay money. We have to work on that." Maybe if you crush their self-esteem more they'd make some cash. Then Dan's family looks at Dan's modeling book (which is getting more screen time than some of Dan's roomies this episode), then Dan's mom says he's too skinny. Still with me? It doesn't get better than this for this whole boring, boring episode. Sigh.
Business meeting. Joe rants. There's a shot of Leroy the adorable puppy to break up the monotony. Everyone else looks blank, except for Landon, who looks shell-shocked. Joe says there's "one week left." For what, I'm not sure. Oh, a business plan. Mike swears to get his done, even though he'll "be on a plane to Boston."
Joe drives Mike to the airport. He's got an old woman to meet. The plane takes off and then lands. Mike calls his old, old lady who has SLEPT IN! Better poke her to make sure she isn't dead. Mike stands around impatiently until Old Heather finally shows up. She's old! And blond! She's a hot banana, but old. Old Heather looks not unlike Courtney Thorne-Smith. But way, waaay older. She laughs and says her alarm didn't go off, and they leave.
Now we're treated to some scenic shots of Boston. Amazingly, it isn't snowing. Here's some guys rowing crew, then there's the exterior of an apartment building, then FiFi Applelicious (Fiona Apple to you) starts caterwauling, "Once my lover, now my frie-hend, what a cruuuel thing to prete-hend." Someone get that girl a sandwich and stuff it in her mouth to STOP HER FROM SINGING EVER AGAIN. Come on, chicken fight! Me and Maya Angelou versus Fifi Applelicious and PT "There's a Sucker Born Every Minute" Anderson. Your bony butt is mine, Fifi.
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Anyway, inside Old Heather's apartment, Mike is in bed, under the sheets, and shirtless. Oh my! Not. Old Heather leaps on top of him. She's clad, sadly, in a black short-sleeved turtleneck and what a friend calls "Big Ass Pants," which are just khakis, but you know, they make everyone's ass look huge. Just say no to pleats. Squash it! They roll around for a while, then we get an above-the-bed shot of them, which was totally the cameraperson standing on a chair. Jesus! Leave the room, perv. Mike then says via interview that "[Old] Heather wants marriage, commitment, kids...I don't." So, WHY'D YOU GO TO BOSTON, you fraud? Criminy.
Dan's mom is preparing to make a huge dinner for everyone. The brothers horse around by the pool. No running! Leroy gets a lot of screen time. There are some meatballs cooking in a pan, there's spaghetti, there's wine, there's a salad. We're fifteen minutes into this episode and I'm bored out of my mind. Where is the threesome already?!
Boston at night. It's still not snowing. There are cabs, there's the exterior of a restaurant, and wham, we're inside, spying on Mike's dinner with Old Heather. Old Heather, not even a nodding acquaintance with self-respect, says, "'I could walk down that aisle tomorrow.' That's what I thought you said." Mike says he could, "given the circumstances." How incredibly lame. Old Heather says, "What's that, a gun to your head?" Woman, he's NOT WORTH IT. Find someone else -- maybe someone, um, OLDER? I hear Abraham Lincoln is a hot number. And then there's God! Whoo-wee. He's divine. Heh. Mike continues shoveling food into his mouth and mumbles, "We gotta see where things stand." Old Heather says, "That's a lame excuse." WORD. I just SAID "lame"! Lame lame lame!
Dan's teaching his mom to rollerblade. Good thing she has the pads and helmet on, because she fully wipes out more than once, and Dan just laughs like a maniac. Well, people falling down is always funny. Just seeing Judd wiping out on rollerblades on the SF Real World made me laugh 'til I cried.
Bing-Bong! It's Arnie! He enters and kisses Dan's mom. How sweet! He meets Dan's little brother John, who according to Joe, is "freaking." Joe takes him outside to the breeders-only pen where they play manly pool and talk about chicks, or something. Dan calls Arnie "a parent's dream" because he's a big fancy lawyer and all. Dan's mom shares her homemade cookies with Arnie and he says they're delicious.
We're back in Boston now. There's Charles Gate and Commonwealth. Mike's parked at Old Heather's computer (how modern of her!) keying in his business plan-type thing. Old Heather leans over his shoulder (which really helps the work process, not) and asks, "Is this your usual b.s.?" Nice burn! Mike makes uncomfortable noises until she asks, "Am I making you nervous?" Old Heather has finally won my respect for fucking with Mike like this. He deserves it!
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Old Heather and Mike ride in a cab to the airport. Once there, they snuggle. Old Heather gums a Blow Pop. Sour apple or watermelon? I can't tell from here. Mike says, "It'll be hard for me to live a life without her," and then adds, "The timing is off." Good-bye, Old Heather. You'll love again. Is Adam Rich from Eight is Enough still around? If he hasn't aged a day since then, maybe you can step to him.
Miami airport. Joe picks Mike up and tells him all about Dan's family weekend. Imagine hearing this in his ridiculous Brooklynese: "Dan's mom cooked. She went OWF. Sauwsage, meat bawls, chicken, awll in the sauwce." Dude, was it "bawss"? I laugh so loud the dog wakes up and brings over his ball. Sadly, this episode isn't over yet.
Dan's mom likes Arnie. Dan is happy about that. Dude, didn't they break up already because Arnie's in the closet? Continuity, people! Dan's entire family goes for a walk on the beach at night, and Dan's mom has a real Ashley Judd/Ruby in Paradise moment where she runs into the waves and tastes the ocean. "It's warm!" It's okay, she's from Kansas.
Mike's in the hot tub with yet another hot banana named Heather. No, not Old Heather. A shiny new Heather. He tells her about his Old Heather issues, and that he won't ask her to marry him for two or three years because he's not ready. She says, "It isn't fair. You want a bagel around to have for breakfast whether you're going to eat it or not. You just want it around. It's not fair to the bagel." I really hope these guys are high right now, or suffering from hot-tub exhaustion, because that is one ridiculous analogy. But I get it. Not-old Heather says, "Just say I can't do it now, period." Mike says, "I don't know what the fuck I want," and sinks to the bottom of the hot tub and lays there like a soggy bagel. Heather prods him with her foot but he doesn't surface. I know what Mike wants. A threesome! Bring it on, already.
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