Peaceful music plays as perfect waves crash against the beach. God, Miami is beautiful. Inside the house, Flora dials the phone. Mitchell, her Boston boyfriend, answers and she immediately starts to bully him: "Mitchell, why is my car in your driveway?" Mitchell sounds weary as he says, "First of all, I am not using your car..." Flora cuts him off abruptly. "Yes, you are. My father said he saw you. He just called me freaking out." In a sit-down, Flora explains that she and Mitchell are in love and they "try to out-bitch each other; it's fun." Sounds like fun! Not. On the phone, Mitchell says quietly that he can't talk right now, he has people over. Flora says, "I don't give a shit about your stupid little sluts; I want to know why you lied." Mitchell screams, "LIED ABOUT WHAT!!" Oh my god, it's actually scary. Flora holds the phone away from her ear and looks pleased and shaken at the same time. She says quietly, "Jesus, man, you are definitely not cool." Mitchell repeats that he can't talk to her right now and the phone goes dead. Flora hangs up then instantly picks up the phone again and dials, muttering to herself. Yikes.
Talking head of Melissa saying that Flora's relationship with Mitchell is like a roller coaster. Of total pain. Sure, I can see that -- like a Great Adventure for tortured souls. A Coney Island for masochists.
Cut to Flora stomping up the stairs, calling out to no one in particular, "If Mitchell calls, tell him I'm dead." Sarah, still the innocent one, asks, "Isn't that your boyfriend?" Flora says "EX! Tell him I died." Upstairs, she takes down all the photos she has of Mitchell while the Murmurs sing their "You Suck" song. Get it? It's very subtle. She thinks Mitchell sucks now! The music is so helpful at times.
A dolphin fin appears in the water outside the house as Mariah Carey sings one of her stupid love songs. The mood has changed now, see? Thanks, music. Joe's on the phone with Ick. He says, "Check your messages, I was home all night." Ick says in a disgusting baby-talk voice, "Aww, we could have smooched on the phone! Mmm!" Oh, BARF! Then Joe says he's flying back to NYC because of "so many issues. [He has] so much going on in New York." Not to mention a "hot" "model" giantess to poke.
Back on the Flora-Mitchell Phone Call of Pain, Mitchell explains impatiently, "You were rude to me on the phone...you ASK me, you don't TELL me." Flora shows some guts as she says, "Don't scream in my ear. Look, I can't go out with you anymore." Sarah's standing right there and has a bemused look on her face. In a voice-over, she explains that maybe Flora doesn't like herself so much and maybe that's why she gets herself into situations like this. Back on the Phone Call of Pain, Flora explains, "First of all, you have no class..." Mitchell totally freaks, screaming, "WHAT! You SLUT! You [bleep bleep]!" SLAM, phone call terminated. Flora says, "Hello? Hello?" Then dials again, with the comment, "What a psycho." Yes, you are. Flora calls Louis, her boss. Then, in a sit-down, we learn that "Louis is a businessman, Mitchell is a bartender." So, you're a bartender. What the hell is wrong with being a bartender? It's a living. Then: "Louis is a man, Mitchell is a little boy." Well, don't be a cradle-robber, then. She wrangles a date out of Louis and is happy. Cyn says, "We all laugh at Flora in her relationships because they are both jokes." WORD. Then Flora gets back on the phone to Mitchell (why, why, WHY?) and arranges for him to come down for a visit. Mitchell says, "I wish I had never met you and fallen for your ass, everything would have been all jolly." Flora yells, "Get your ass down here then if you want everything to be all jolly." "Okay, I'm coming." WHY?? I hereby forbid the use of the word "jolly" from now on. And how much do these people love each other's asses? It's ass-tacular.
Another business meeting. Blah blah blah we-better-do-somethingcakes. Sarah says she's going to get on her rollerblades and check out bagel shops, juice bars and movie theaters, since those are the currently popular ideas the losers -- I mean roomies -- have. Joe says his mind is on other things at the moment. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. Water ripples appear on the surface of a glass of water. Ick must be close by! Well, she's in NYC, but her presence is close by. I can feel it.
The stupid Gin Blossoms play their stupid "Follow You Down" song as Louis drives Flora around town in a stupid convertible. There's a dog in the car too, wearing a stupid bandanna. They go on a disgusting date. Louis asks if "Michael" is coming down and Flora snickers. Ha ha, "Michael," how droll. She corrects him and asks, "Are you not going to be mature about this? He's bringing my car down." God, that annoys me. She has such a pair on her. Balls, I mean. Then, another lie: "He can't accept [being broken up], I have to be nice. I can't be like, I'm dating my boss." Oh, no, the truth, how would that look? In a sit-down, Flora explains, "I like them both, so I have to keep it a secret." Just how stupid is Flora? This is going to be on TELEVISION. The whole WORLD will see what you do. It is NOT a secret. Then at the disgusting date of grossness, Flora makes Louis "promise" Mitchell's visit won't "jeopardize our relationship." WHAT a JOKE.
And now for the oh-so-dated faux Ricki Lake segment of the show, where Cynthia, Melissa, Sarah and Flora sit around and discuss Flora's relationship. "Why do you stay with him?" "I'm such a fool; I'm 100 percent certain he's fucking around on me right now." Pot, kettle, you've met before. Joe sits there silently and says in voice-over, "Flora needs people to be firm with her." Yeah, she needs discipline. Put her over your tiny knee, Joe. Cyn says, "All you're gonna be is fucked!" Melissa repeats the oft-repeated phrase, "No one's gonna respect you until you..." I plug my ears, LA LA LA LA LA!!! That comment is like the humidity conversation that I hear every freaking summer. It's TI-RED. So stop.
Joe gets on a plane to NYC. Godspeed.
Flora comes running onto the house. Louis trails behind. Flora asks excitedly, "Did Mitchell call? I saw my jeep on the beach!" Louis says goodbye, and Flora pretends to cry. "Don't leeeave me, boo hoo." Louis is, like, running out the door: "See you in three days." Flora haggles him down to two. Who is betting Louis has another girlfriend he's running off to? That's a smart bet. They kiss and then Louis is outta there. Flora runs up the stairs, shrieking, "What am I to do?" Who wants to go first? I can start: Lose the white jeans. In a sit-down Flora explains, "I play with fire all the time, and I do get burned." Sizzle away, Flora. Then she gnaws on her nails. Oy, we GET IT.
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Flora Rollerblades up to a snazzy hotel. Mitchell warily walks out the front door. Flora's like, "Hel-LO?" He asks, "Why were you so rude to me?" She gives him a brief peck on the cheek. Suddenly, Mitchell grabs her hand and drags her away, down the steps and onto the sidewalk. Flora laughs and holds on tight. Away from the hotel they exchange a passionate kiss. Jump cut to Mitchell moving into the house. He explains that "he loves her crazy ways," and she says, "We're one person." Sharing a brain? Mm-hmm. Flora shows Mitchell their house, pointing out that someone stole the 8-ball off the pool table (way to go, Road Rules!) and that Joe's in New York, selling his stuff and making sweet, sweet love to a fifty-foot woman. No she didn't, but she's thinking it.
In New York, Joe sells off the stuff in his apartment while Ick stalks around. Can you imagine going to an apartment sale and ending up on TV? That is freaky. Joe leads Ick into the bedroom, rubbing her ass (my eyes! My eyes!) and saying, "The bed is going to be a challenge. We need the bed." Oh, GAWD.
Back in Miami, Sarah cruises around checking bagel shops out with one of her friends, Eric. She makes notes like: "Lame. My bagel sucked." Eric says, "Mine was ehhhh." "How do you spell that?" "E-h-h-h-h-h." Got it. "Well, I guess we're done." "Do you know how to get back?" Hee.
New York. That goddam Mariah Carey song plays ("Always be my baby") as Joe and Ick walk to the gym. She is like two heads taller than he is. Here it comes! They walk on the SAME TREADMILL together. Two people on ONE TREADMILL. Why. WHY? Give me strength. Ick's driving, by the way. Ick talks about wanting to be there for Joe "emotionally." Joe laughs and says, "You meet my needs on one way." Ick punches up the treadmill so it reaches a speed Joe can't walk. He flies off the back. I wish. Ick just says, "I know, but if you're not getting emotional comfort from me, you're getting it from somewhere else. So what I'm saying is, 'Please, please, come to me, bitch and complain!'" At the last part Ick makes a gesture like she's some kind of airline hostess gesturing to the oxygen masks and nearest exits. Joe chuckles and says how wonderful it is he has someone to complain to. Ick says, "Hell yeah, you do!" All this time, they walk on the same treadmill. Two people on one treadmill, people.
Joe calls the Miami house. Mike explains in voice-over that no one did anything the whole week Joe was gone, except for Sarah and her bagel-tasting expedition. They were slackers, he explains. WE KNOW.
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Flora is on the phone, giggling. She's leaving a message for Louis as Mitchell sits like twenty feet away. "I miiiss you! Hugs and kisses." Then Mitchell says, "Honey, can I use the phone, I have to call the girl I'm banging up in Boston." No, he doesn't, but he's thinking it. In a sit-down, Flora explains, "I didn't lie to him. Lying is lying. Not saying is not saying." I hate Flora. Cyn says, "I almost admire the girl," then adds, "You're trying to convince yourself." Flora says, "When you believe yourself, other people believe you." Sarah says, "So you're Madonna, and I believe you!" Hee hee. That Garbage song plays as Mitchell and Flora walk the streets of Miami hand in hand. "I'm only happy when it rains!" And it's raining. Louis drives by in his jeep and totally sees them. Flora drops Mitchell's hand and says, "That was my boss, mmm!" Could she act any more busted?
Flora says, "When I get caught, I think they are both gonna dump my ass." Actually, it's your ass they're most interested in. That's been proven. But let me go get my tiny violin anyway, you poor, poor, two-timing thing. On the phone, Louis says he saw Flora making out with a guy. She totally denies it, all, "Oh, you did, really, mm-hmm, yeah, whatever." Then Louis said he didn't see it and that his homies did and told him about it, but if he didn't see it, it didn't matter and that he's sorry he brought it up. Appeased, Flora gets mushy. "I miiiiss yooou!" Oh, gawd.
Mike picks up Joe at the airport, back from giant-banging. Joe says he's all refreshed now and ready to work on the business. Ha ha! No one did anything, except for Sarah, who ate bagels in the name of research. Sarah tells Joe that no one else wanted to do anything with her, and that "it kind of sucked." Way to spell it out. Joe says, "If we blow this opportunity, it's gonna stink." Well, prepare to stink up the place, people.
Flora rushes to get Mitchell to the airport on time. Rush, rush, rush. Oh shit, they miss the plane. So they sit around and wait for another flight and -- gak -- snuggle. Flora says charmingly, "Don't let any bimbos touch my photos. If bimbos touch them, may their hands fall off." These kids really have something special. Smoochie smoochies! Finally Mitchell gets on a plane and Flora runs off at top speed to find Louis.
Flora asks, "Did you miss me?" Was there time enough? They were apart for, like, three days. Louis asks how the visit with her boyfriend went, and she yelps, "Ex!" RIGHT. Louis says, "I can't be dating someone who's dating someone else." Oh, can't you be? Flora says, "I'm not!" Yes, you are. Are too. Are too infinity. Louis continues his schtick, saying, "Call me old-fashioned." Yeah, we can all tell you're the marryin' kind. How can he look her in the face and not point out all the whiskerburn all over her chin? It's like Mitchell attacked her with his stubble on purpose. It looks like a punishment. It's worse than having monster zits. Louis continues his unbelievable blather, saying he wants her to "open up and tell me about Flora." Well, I flirt to get what I want, I think too much smiling is bad for the soul, and plan to sleep with two guys in less than twenty-four hours. How's that for starters? Flora says, and this should get embroidered on a pillow toute suite, "Flora is loco." Uh. Doy. Louis says he knows that. We ALL know that; our eyes and ears work perfectly well. Then we hear, "Flora didn't lie to Louis." YES YOU DID! Did did did. Did infinity. Louis gets all "The More You Know"-y and says, "If you lie to me it wouldn't really bother me as much as if you lie to yourself. There's a lot of room for growth in you." Hell yeah, dude, and WORD. They continue to stroll leisurely on the beach. Louis asks, "Why are we holding hands?" Flora simpers, "'Cause I like you. Don't I make you happy?" Louis gets a "spare me" look on his face and says, "You make me laugh, at you." Good answer! Flora says, "Okay," adding, "Let's go home." To Louis's house. So they can do it. Louis laughs and they stroll off into the sunset together. Oh, gross. Gross gross gross. Gross infinity.
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