The camera zooms over the house and the pool and comes inside to show us Joe mooning over a horrific picture of Nic, the whistle only dogs hear (tm Wing Chun). ["Actually, I think that's tm Sars. Thanks, though!" -- Wing Chun] In it she's half-sitting on a couch, with one leg folded under her and the other sticking out in front like, Hey world! Looka here! Lookit my leg! Innit pretty? Nic will hereafter be known as Ick.
So. Joe has a disgusting phone conversation with Ick. Snippets include, "I just thought about getting with you," from Joe, and "You should see the outfit I got today!" from Ick, followed with a groan from Joe. Then Joe says he really loves Ick, and that she's the first one that ever made him feel that way but blah blah blah fear of infidelitycakes. Hint: Just keep it in your pants, Joe. It's for a short while!
Non sequitur: Melissa thinks Sarah's a tomboy. We see video of Sarah flinging mud at Melissa -- I mean skating along -- and Melissa goes on to say that "by day she looks like Cindy Brady, but at night she's a totally different person. Wham, we see Sarah put on makeup in a black mini-dress and knee-high black platform boots and the roomies drool and fall all over her. Cyn says she looks really pretty; Mike comes in and says "Damn" all huskily; Dan practically freaks out; Flora looks a bit jealous as she, Dan and Melissa surround her and yell, "No, no, no!" at Sarah's suggestion that she change into a pair of heels. "You need the boots for the legs!" yells Dan. I thought she needed the boots for the putting of her feet up people's asses. But whatever. Voice-over of Sarah sounding a bit weary as she explains, "Up until now, we've been clubbing our asses off. We've done nine clubs in seven days." Not bad! Then we get a montage of the roomies getting all gussied up to go out and, oh, I don't know, wiggle lewdly in front of strangers in dark rooms. Melissa's wearing a black dress with a slit up to the bikini region. Flora puts on white jeans, which prompts me to steal a great line from the Drew Barrymore picture Never Been Kissed. When Drew spills chocolate milk all over the white jeans she's so carefully selected to wear on her first day back at high school, she says, "Serves me right for wearing white after Labor Day." To which the nasty "popular" girl replies, "I thought you weren't supposed to wear white jeans after 1983!" Hee. The whole posse goes out dancing except for Joe, who is trying to be "Monogamous Man," a new lame kind of superhero that does not stick his dick in anyone but his significant other. No cape, no flying, no leaping of anything. Except his significant other. Tune in week to see if...oh, forget it.
Ugh, "Wanna Be Your Lovah!" is playing at the club. The whole gang wiggles furiously. Flora rocks her white jeans. Pass the chocolate milk. Melissa feels moved to comment that within five minute of arriving, "Cynthia is on the floor with a brother. She's incredible!" Cyn says she'd never have sex with someone she met in a club. Players everywhere groan and sigh. That's like saying you won't have sex with a musician! Anytime you get approached in a club, it's for sex. Cyn, you wily thing! She's outsmarted players at their own game.
At home, Joe sits by a lamp, saying he's "going to try and be strong." Don't weaken, Monogamous Man! Boobies are his kryptonite! Stay away! The posse leaves the club. Dan says he was groped by four men and Cyn and Sarah show off the numbers they collected. Back at home, Cyn tells Joe that the chicks at the club would have been "ON [his] JOCK!" and wasn't everyone on their jock at the club? Yes -- maybe that could have had something to do with the cameras? Joe weakly protests, oh no, no one would have been on his jock, heh heh. Melissa says he had a good night because he put photos in his album. Not a euphemism!
And now, a sweet montage of Joe's life in photographs. He was hot for girls in grades K through six, then he began actually having girlfriends. Joe even took two different girls to the same prom. Dan teases Joe for being a dog; Cyn calls him a ho. Cyn then says she needs "to take pimp lessons from" Joe. Of the two-girls-at-prom débacle, Joe modestly says he "hopes he's not anymore," and that he was "lucky to have their company." I love Cyn for saying, "You're lucky you didn't get your ass kicked!" Hee!
It's nighttime. Joe's on the phone with Ick again. She says, "I thought you had conquered this problem -- you still have it." Joe says it's hard to go cold turkey, and Ick says she doesn't think Joe has gone cold turkey. Joe whines, "Nic, I haven't pleasured anyone else -- I don't know what you're talking about!" Oh, gross! ["'Pleasured'? What is he, in Clan of the Cave Bear?" -- Wing Chun] He adds, "You're making up scenarios in your head." Ick whines, "Certain women want you or whatever..." The moon shines in the sky. This is the self-fulfilling prophecy part, people.
The roomies work out at the gym. Mike "pumps" "iron" as his voice-over says Joe was getting stressed out. Joe runs on the treadmill as his voice-over says that Mike said, "Hey dude, you can't bash yourself for trying to advance, and if your partner bashes you, maybe that's not the right partner." Lunkhead wisdom, ladies and germs.
Gnarly guitars play jaggedly as Joe walks unsteadily to a pay phone. Monogamous Man is weakening! Once on, he says in his Brooklyn accent, "So Nic, seriously, what are you saying to me? You're totally telling me you don't trust me? That hurts. Sure I got desires, but that happens when you tell me you don't trust me! I wanna be with you so bad, but you make it so hard! You make it so hard, Nic!" See the self-fulfilling prophecy in action?
It's morning. That Dog, one of my favorite bands ["mine too!" -- Wing Chun], plays morning music. Joe eats the crumbs from a box of Pop Tarts. Landon calls and tries to motivate Joe to be the leader. Joe writes the roomies a note with Landon's suggestions on it, and then his voice-over says, "As a businessperson, I know that's extremely difficult to do." MBA, you have not gone completely to waste.
Another rap song with "money" in the lyrics plays as we get a montage of yachts, or "boats," as the rich say. I read that in The Preppy Handbook. Mike does some math as Dan suns himself, and decides that the profit from their business venture will be "thirty-five grand apiece." And the chickens they'll have, before they hatch? At least a million billion. Dan is wearing cut-off jeans and a drinking straw -- oh wait, that's his torso. Skinny! Dan whines. "I hate selling stuff," and sighs petulantly. Interview footage of him says, "I'm concerned about getting off the ground. If we try and fail, that's one thing, but if we never do anything, we'll always wonder, what would have happened?" Uh. Doy. Cyn then adds, "I don't want this to fail -- I want this to work." Still, she doesn't know what she's going to do. As Dan and Mike play checkers (Dan looks like he's winning), Cyn learns stuff on the computer. She says, "If we do nothing? I'm gonna be one upset chick. I'm gonna be mad." Hindsight says Cynthia was one mad chick when this was all over.
The whole gang goes out to eat, and Joe flirts with the waitress. She flirts back! When she leaves, he says, "She reminds me of the third girl I was with." Someone hit him, please. Mike says he's amazed that Joe "has that knack with women." Joe asks the waitress why she's "not hooked up." This was 1996, people, before "hooked up" and "hooking up" was in the vernacular. The waitress banters with him about what she may be hooked up to before admitting she is in fact single. Then, as they pay the check, she says, "You're the cutest thing I've ever seen walking out of here." Joe acts bashful as Mike asks what it is in Joe she finds so attractive. Maybe that he's paying the check? She's WORKING, after all. Mike makes fun of Joe's Brooklyn-ese, "Gimme chicken wit no skin on it! I tink I ordered the cawmelized cawwots!" Joe laughs and says, "I didn't do nothing!" You're weakening, Monogamous Man.
At home, the gang talk about sex, bay-bee. Cyn says she "really likes sex, I really really really really really really really do! But there's a line I've gotta draw!" There's sex stuff she doesn't like to do. Joe says that's a "challenge" and he finds that "attractive." We don't find out what Cyn doesn't like, and I'm grateful for that. I don't need to know what people do in bed. Oh no, Joe's talking about wanting to be a porn star. Melissa says "porno star." Once I tried to make that word in Boggle, it wasn't allowed. By porn star, Joe means "stamina, you know holding it. And it ruined a lot of relationships. Because, you know, I got so good." WHATEVER! Cyn says, "Little Joe, oh yeah, oh yeah." Sparkly sparks fly between their eyes for a bit.
Fish montage. Cyn says, "I just tripped out. We have seven fish." In a cute, TV-shaped fish tank, no less. See? Get it? The fish are in a fishbowl, just like you people are? Oh, never mind. So Dan names the fish, blah blah, the fish all somewhat match the personalities of the roomies, and then, oh no! The fish start dying. Even worse, a big ugly eel (who maybe represents Ick?) comes out from hiding and starts EATING the dead fish. Flora calls the fish guy at 1:30 AM. The guy says, in a perfect combination of tired and grumpy, "This is not a twenty-four-hour service." When he comes in the day, he lambastes her some more: "Don't let it happen again." He finds that the roomies haven't been feeding the fish enough, so they die and the eel gets hungry and eats the fish. Then Flora says, "So, you must really like fish." The fish guy says no, he used to, but not anymore. Going pro ruined his hobby for him: "I don't even have a fish tank in my house anymore." Flora screeches, "That's so sad!" I hope writing these recaps don't ruin watching TV for me. ["Don't worry, Alex; I've been recapping since 1998 and I have the TV on right now!" -- Wing Chun] Then Dan says they have to start a business (really! Didn't know that!) and that they won't do fish. Or anything, really. It might ruin it for them.
Sunset. The roomies sit around and discuss business ideas. Flora: "Let's baby-sit dogs!" That gets a raspberry. Joe reads off the list, "The video store got nixed, the bagel shop -- I think we'd make a million dollars..." Melissa stupidly says, "We have run the gamut from business A to business Z." Oh boy. Sarah sounds tired as she says, "I'm gung-ho for whatever Joe wants to do. Any day now would be a good day to start a business." They all talk about a juice club. ["Actually, I think it's Juice Club, which is what Jamba Juice used to be called. There was a Jamba Juice right by our office in California and Dave and I each had one a day. If they had opened a Juice Club/Jamba Juice franchise, they would be millionaires right now." -- Wing Chun] Sarah says she "eats smoothies every day." ["See?" -- Wing Chun] They debate the merits of including rice cakes or snacks, then Sarah bursts out, "We should have public restrooms!" Silence, then Flora and Cyn laugh at her. Whatever! Sarah says she's here " to think of the details," and Cyn says Sarah's "not here to make money." Sarah agrees and Cyn says that she DOES want to make money. Well, you need bathrooms! What is all this hoo-hah about? ["I don't know about the U.S., but in Canada, that's the law! If you serve food, you have public washrooms." -- Wing Chun] Sarah says, "People think my ideas are childish or dreamlike, but they don't realize I'm passionate about my ideas." Of bathrooms.
Mike, Joe, and Melissa feed their faces at an Italian restaurant. Joe calls Ick his "bitch" and Melissa makes a few hundred faces, saying "Ugh!" and "That's a totally disgusting habit." Joe says he means it like "a term of endearment." Well, there is that excellent Supersuckers song, "She's My Bitch," but in the song the girl asks the guy to call her his bitch. So it's up to the girl. Just like the rest of the rules. Joe says he is the way he is because of his dad. When girls came around for Joe, his dad would scream, "What are you getting involved with women for? They'll ruin you!" Nice. Then, "My dad completely disrespected women. He called them the downfall of man." I hate Joe's dad. Apparently, women stood in his dad's way. Joe says "he's working on it." Don't be a misogynist, Monogamous Man!
We get a montage of Joe on the phone with Ick, wiping his eyes in slow motion and wearing a number of different shirts. In one shirt he asks, "Is there something making it easy for you not to call me, Nic?" She whines, "Why are you so paranoid?" Joe says he's not, but "I didn't hear from you in a week!" Then, in another shirt, he hangs up the phone and goes downstairs to talk to Cynthia. Cyn says, "Now he's in love, and he don't like that. She can make him cry!" Then Cyn, who has clearly not met Ick before, tells Joe to keep trying in his relationship. Joe says, "Cynthia opened my eyes to the fact that I have something special." Yeah, you are dating a monster, that's certainly special.
time, Cyn tries as hard as she can to close Joe's eyes.