A guitar strums while we see Attention Deficit Manor at night. The phone rings. Mike gets it. "Lars, it's for you!" he calls out. "It's one of your bitches!" Lars and Mike laugh hysterically over the idea of Lars having "bitches." Apparently the term "bitch" is used around the house an awful lot. Well, of course it is. Gay men are always using the term "bitch"! No, but seriously folks, Lars loves using the word "bitch" ironically as if he's pretending to be an American. "I ain't dressing up for those bitches," says Lars one night as they're about to go clubbing. "I'll call a girl a bitch," says Jay woodenly in an interview. "It's just a way to make jokes."
But some people in the house don't like the world bitch at all. "I must admit, I find comments about 'bitches' quite offensive," says Neil in an interview. He delivers this pronouncement against a stained glass window with this head resting on his fingers as though he's posing for a head shot. And never mind that, grammatically, Neil hasn't condemned the use of the word "bitch"; he's simply condemned talking about someone who'd be a bitch. Kat is even more grammatically skewed. "I don't like the way language is thrown around the house," she says in an interview. I guess she doesn't like people speaking English in her presence or something. Sharon, Kat and Neil sit around the dinner table and lament the use of the word "bitch" by Mike, Jay and Lars. Neil finds it really "shocking" that Mike, Lars, and Jay can just refer to any girl as a "bitch." "I would never date a guy who referred to me as 'my bitch,'" says Kat. Sharon is alarmed that "a lot of young men" use the word so freely.
One day, Sharon picks out a severe-looking black outfit -- complete with sunglasses perched on top of her head -- and sits in the kitchen with Neil and Kat. They wait until Mike rollerblades in, and then they confront him. "Mike," says Sharon, her fingertips caressing her bare throat. "I feel that you feel comfortable calling any woman a bitch." "What are you bitches doing tonight?" says Mike as an example. "I can see that you find that hugely funny," says Sharon. Neil and Kat proceed to eat anything in the kitchen they can get their hands on. First Mike tries to blame growing up with rap groups like N.W.A., and then claims that he simply feels comfortable enough with everyone in the house to use an offensive term. Sharon points out that she doesn't feel comfortable with the term. Neil also admits that he's not comfortable. "I find it astounding," says Neil, "that you use [the word 'bitch'] and not care about it." So if Mike "cared enough" to use the word "bitch," then that would be okay? Like if he called someone a bitch who he really thought was a bitch, that would make it all right? Mike grips the banister and looks really scared even though he's trying to pass it all off as a sporty chat. In an interview, Mike claims that he never uses the term seriously. "But obviously some people in the house are offended by the term," he says in a voice-over while we see him walking around London. He vows never to use the term again because he doesn't want to offend anyone. And I have to give him props -- not for his sensitivity to women, but for ending this ridiculous plot line.
B-roll of London at night. Sharon, Kat, and Hannah the Horrified are having a pint at some pub called Truckworld where live music plays. Apparently Kat has met a man, through Sharon; this guy's name is Spencer, and he is the lead singer of the band that's performing. Spencer has a goatee and wears pajama bottoms. Otherwise he looks like the love child of Tom Green and Carrot Top. Kat told Sharon that she thought he was cute. They met at one of his gigs and got along. Kat feels a "spark," and thinks there's potential there. I'm still recovering from the revelation that Hannah did not, in fact, crawl into a hole and die when Mike dumped her.
Then there's this sequence where we watch Lars do his hair; here, we find out exactly how Lars gets his hair to look like that. Apparently it involves a great deal of this wax that comes in a tin that looks like something you'd see storing baked beans in a eastern bloc bomb shelter. As he leaves the house -- presumably for the clubs -- the ladies of the house do a mock swoon in his honor. In an interview, Lars tells us that he hasn't had a girlfriend in a while, but that now he's "relaxed" and wants "the real thing." Yes, Lars, looking for a girlfriend during the last couple of months you'll be in town sounds like an excellent idea. Lately, according to another interview, he's met someone named Jeannette who he hails as being "natural." We see Jeanette and, as it turns out, she's old enough to be Lars's mother. Apparently, when they met, they stayed up all night "talking and talking"; then, as time went on, they "did more than just talking." Lars, according to a confessional, didn't take much time to decide he really likes her. Jeanette looks like one of Oprah's friends -- you know, those girlfriends of Oprah's who always get their own talk show that gets cancelled after a season, like Iyanla and that Gail lady. "Dating uncircumsized men young enough to be your son, on the Jeanette."
But as much as I could just snark on Jeanette, the desire fades as soon as the scene reveals Mike bragging about the fact that he met twins while rollerblading. Yes, that's right. Not only would a singular female go out with Mike, but apparently there are actually a couple of chicks out there who're so hot for Mike that each would share him with her sibling. I mean, I can understand why a straight guy would find the idea of twins intriguing. It's a cheesy fantasy -- immoral, even -- but on an intellectual level, I confess that I get it. It's like shag carpeting. I'd never want any in my apartment, but I can see the appeal of having all that wild thick carpeting adorning your trailer if vacuuming weren't an issue. And judging by the popularity of twin male models like the Breuers and the Duponts, it's not a fetish limited to the straight male community. What I don't get is what's in it for the twins. All I can think about is what it would be like to have to step out on the town with my boyfriend Hugh Hefner and have my little sister come along. That's not sexy at all. That's just weird. And not even in a fun racy kind of way. So we meet these twins, and I have to admit, they are quite pretty, in an blonde emaciated Hilton sisters kind of way. In fact they wouldn't look out of place in one of those Penthouse pictorials about lesbian twins getting it on. Personally, I wouldn't be surprised to learn that Mike hired them to make Jay jealous. He probably begged his father for some more money and called an escort service. Mike brings them back to Attention Deficit Manor and gloats over the fact that they "attracted some attention" among the housemates. Um Mike? A middle-aged meter reader would "attract some attention" in that house. Hell, paint drying would "attract attention" in that house. Unfortunately for Mike, Jay was out and missed seeing the twins. Jay left the house? Fortunately Sharon, who admits that they were "stunning," backs him up. Then Mike gets faux modest about how they're all just friends, adding that one of them even has a boyfriend. Sharon remarks that they're "way out of Mike's league anyway" and Mike bets her he'll shag one of them. "I think they're more attractive to you now that someone thinks you can't have them," says Jay. In an interview, Sharon complains that Mike wasbeing "boastful." In an interview that never made the final edit, Gustave complains about Mike being "born."
Kat, Spencer-for-hire, Sharon, and some other unidentified girl who is thrilled to have her moment in front of the camera, gather at the local pub and have a conversation which doesn't make any sense but consists of smart-sounding snippets like "the Christian religion is based on..." Kat sits there in passive-girlfriend mode, laughing at the right points but clearly not following the conversation because all of her attention is on the new man. In an interview, she explains that Spencer is a "guy's guy" and drinks a lot. "But he's got a soft streak to him," says Kat. "He's definitely got a romantic side." They leave the pub and part at the tube station. He tells her to call him tomorrow. In another interview, Kat says how confusing it is to date an Englishman. "My experience with American men is that when they like you, they let you know," says Kat. "He's a lot more subtle." More like a "lot more uninterested."
Mike has zeroed in on one of the Doublemint twins. Her name is Nina, not that it should make a difference in any of our lives which twin she was. Mike and Nina ditch the other sister and go for a walk in the park. As they walk amongst the swan-filled ponds and rose bushes while Paula Abdul sings about love being "crazy and cruel," Nina always has something in her mouth à la Ally McBeal. Mike claims in an interview that everyone thinks he's this "sex-driven guy." But they're wrong, according to Mike. "I want to go out and have a good time and meet people." Yeah, people with breast implants and cocks. Jay tries to keep from crying during his interview as he explains that "Nina is an attractive girl" who "evidently" enjoys spending time with Mike. We see Nina and Mike walking around London and going to pubs. Come to think of it, there have been a lot of pub visits for the housemates as the season draws to its close. The gang is catching on to something I've known all along: alcohol and/or drugs is the only way to survive this season. Mike announces that he's not actually sexually attracted to Nina. For some reason, he makes this announcement to Jay and Jacinda while lying half-naked in bed. Jacinda pronounces him a changed man. Mike explains that it has something to do with the fact that he "likes" Nina. "Maybe you just like her as a friend," says Jacinda. Jay needs more details. He asks Mike whether he's had any opportunities to "get on her." Mike explains that he hasn't even considered it. "I don't know why," says Mike, as he makes pancakes in the kitchen. "Maybe I'm going gay all of a sudden." "All of a sudden"? Jay is stunned...for some reason.
Back to Lars's sex life. Lars and Jeannette have seen each other every day since they met. They walk around London together while cars slow down to look at the nice young German boy who is escorting Cicely Tyson across the street. Lars explains in an interview that they "have a lot in common." After an afternoon of cornholing, Mike turns to Jay and asks him whether he can see Lars going out with a "nice wholesome midwestern girl?" Jay puts the top back on the Vaseline and remarks that he couldn't see that any more than he could see Mike with a "thirty-five-year-old black woman." The boys laugh. Lars shows Jeannette his room, and shows her a scrapbook of all the parties he's planned over the years. Jeanette's hair has grown an awful lot in the last few days. Yesterday, she had a bowl haircut. Tonight she has two really long braids. How'd she do that? Must be all that sex with Lars. Jeanette asks Lars how he's going to get all of his equipment back to Germany. "I'm not," says Lars. "I'm going to move in with you." They make out. "I guess you could say I fell in love," says Lars in a confessional.
B-roll of London at night. Kat, Sharon, and Neil (a.k.a. the Anti-Bitch Brigade) are having a bitch-free dinner. Kat announces that Spencer invited her to a wedding reception for one of his "mates." Sharon and Neil are excited for her. Later that night, Kat calls Spencer and asks him to come over. There is silence at the end of the line. This prompts Kat to make the situation even worse by asking Spencer where the "whole involvement" is going. "You aren't fishing, are you?" asks Spencer. Oops. Later, Kat complains to Sharon that she doesn't know where things are headed with Spencer; as Kat whines, Sharon irons, to compensate for the fact that she has no sex life. "Either I really like someone or I don't," says Kat, sitting on Sharon's bed. "If he only 'kind of' likes me, then what's the point?" Before they go to a commercial, we see Kat slumped in one of Sharon's wicker chairs with Sharon's iron ominously positioned in the foreground.
B-roll of London. A double decker bus. The exterior of a hair salon that looks like the British answer to Supercuts. Jacinda is getting her hair done again while she raps with Kat about her love life. In a voice-over, Jacinda explains that Kat is being wishy-washy about Spencer. "One minute she's telling me that he doesn't seem like he's enough or interesting and then she'll be worried that he's not interested in her," says Jacinda. Kat laments that Spencer isn't "brave enough" to tell her that he likes her. Um, Kat? Maybe he doesn't like you enough to tell you he likes you. Jacinda asks Kat whether Spencer is a "wuss." Kat replies that she's going to this wedding with him this weekend, and that his behavior there will determine where things stand.
Kraftwerk plays while Lars stands around various parts of London looking bored and/or pensive. He explains in a voice-over that he spends every night with Jeanette, but that they've never spent the day together. Maybe she's a vampire. But that won't happen, because that would actually be interesting to watch. Lars decides to take Jeanette on a drive to Brighton for the day. The car-rental guy is super-helpful and explains what Lars would be responsible for if he damaged the car. Hello, foreshadowing! Lars calls Jeanette and tells her that he'll be by to pick her up in twenty minutes. He drives out of the lot in what appears to be a Porsche or some other fancy sports car. In an interview, he explains that he was driving with the music cranked up while smoking a cigarette. Right, a cigarette. thing you know, Lars has crashed the car or something. There is damage to one of the axles; I have no idea what he hit. He swears. In an interview, Lars explains that the street was too narrow, and that the curb is too high. He calls Jeanette and explains what happened. In an interview, he ruminates on James Dean's death. Jeanette takes it all in stride, comforting Lars when he shows up at her apartment. They decide to go down to Brighton by train while they cuddle and pose for photos and Matthew Sweet sings "baby we're the same" in the background. It's raining in Brighton, but that doesn't dampen their love for each other.
You'd think it was the day, but judging by Lars's inconsistent hairstyle, it's not. He is sitting in the kitchen with Jacinda (and without Jeanette), wondering where Kat is. Jacinda explains that Kat went to that wedding with Spencer and hasn't been back since. It's 4:20 in the afternoon. "It seems like everyone's getting sorted out now, isn't it," says Lars. Kat enters, doing the walk of shame. Mike is all, "You just got home from last night?" and then shuts up as soon as he realizes that Spencer is right behind her. In an interview, Kat explains for the ninety-sixth time that she went to a wedding with Spencer and then went out with some of Spencer's friends and crashed at Spencer's place. Everyone finds this fascinating. I don't know why. I mean, Kat's definitely the most shagworthy housemate. I find it way harder to believe that Mike hooked up with anyone, let alone twins. Maybe they just miss the old Kat of earlier in the season, who didn't have sex and instead forlornly walked around art galleries in a camel-hair coat accompanied by unavailable men. So then there's a Kat and Spencer frolic montage in which they hang out in Kat's room, roll around in the bed, look at Kat's pictures, and otherwise look as sweet and wholesome as a young married couple in an ad for one of those home pregnancy test kits. But lest you think nothing else is going on between Spencer and Kat, make no mistake about it: Kat is glowing. At some point she comes up for air -- I guess Spencer has to go home to call his agent and see if he got cast in a 1-800-CALL-ATT ad -- and the housemates gather around the dining room table to laugh at her. Kat denies that anything's up, but no one believes her. In an interview, she explains that she doesn't want to "rush into anything" but it's nice to have someone to "hang around with in that way."
B-roll of London at twilight. Street lamps adorn the Thames. "Tubular Bells," the theme from The Exorcist, comes over the soundtrack. I wonder what's just happened. It all seems so serious and grim. Did someone die? Please? No. It's just Bunim-Murray fucking with me. Mike calls Nina and asks her to go see The Exorcist with him. Nina has never heard of The Exorcist and goes, "It's really old, right?" Aw, how cute! She wasn't even born in the seventies, was she? Jacinda, Kat, and Jay -- who are within earshot because they're sitting in the living room and reading -- laugh at this. Remember the kitten Jacinda bought Kat? Well, it's still alive and perched on Jacinda's lap. Mike gets upset that everyone thinks he's just a big horndog. Jay tells Mike that he shouldn't acts like a big horndog if he doesn't want that reputation. Jacinda mentions the fact that Mike is always making comments about everyone else's sex life. Mike gets really mad and stomps off. But not without bouncing his basketball really hard on the floor. Hey, at least they think you want to have sex with biological women. In an interview, Sharon says something feministy about Mike's attitude about women, which basically boils down to the sentiment that Mike can't fault the other housemates for reacting to his schtick from time to time. Mike comes downstairs a few minutes later to continue the fight. He expresses his outrage that no one gets that he's only joking. Kat, Jacinda, and Sharon respond that he "jokes" so much, it's hard to differentiate. In an interview, Mike admits that he might have brought some of this on himself, but he's angry that he's told the housemates his feelings about Nina and yet no one thinks he's serious. He stomps out of the house. Just when you get your hopes up that the cameras will follow him to a gay bar, it turns out that he was just going over to meet Nina. They walk to the theater to see The Exorcist and she insults his new boots. Heh. The episode ends with Mike in an interview, making clear his serious feeelings for Nina. These serious feelings are illustrated by a dialogue in which Nina "apologizes" for the way she looks. She thinks her outfit sucks or something. Mike protests that, no, Nina looks "awe-inspiring."