B-roll of London in the morning. Birds, blossoming trees, and a store owner opening his shop. Lars puts on a record and dances. Funny, I wouldn't have thought that Lars would be a perky fellow in the morning. Or maybe he's still up and has some blow left over from the night before. Anyway, it's time to send the flatmates on a trip so that a) something will happen and b) no one [cough] Kat [cough] will have a chance to escape the cameras. Yes, that's right. After last week's phone bill extravaganza, Bunim-Murray have wisely decided to shake things up a bit and hope that a change of setting will provoke some TV-worthy shenanigans. "I have pretty mixed feelings about going on a weekend trip with my flatmates," says Lars in an interview. Then they show a bunch of shots of all the flatmates shoveling cereal in their mouths and coming down the stairs with their bags packed. "Personally I was really excited when I found out we were going on this trip together," says Sharon, who gets "really excited" when Legend only poos in her room once within a twenty-four-hour period. Kat, in an interview of her own, points out that while everyone was excited about the trip, no one was "too jazzed" about spending the weekend together.
The gang piles into a Bunim-Murray-ordained van parked out front, although no one knows where they're going. The van takes them to a train station, where they pose for a group photo and then get on a train. On the train, there is actually a moment where Neil smiles, so they edit that in, and Jay tells us in a sitdown that they have no idea where they are going. Hey, I just saw a movie just like this where all these people are forced onto a train and they aren't told where they're going. It was called Schindler's List. Only Schinder's List had more sex scenes. And even though it was about three hours long, it felt a lot shorter than a half-hour episode of Real World London.
Five hours later, they get off the train. Jay still has no idea where they are. Jay? Did you check that big sign at the train station? The one that tells you what town you're getting off at? The sign that just about every train station has? Never mind. Anyway, some guy dressed in a great deal of Gore-Tex® greets them at this mystery location, introduces himself to the group as "Richard," and tells them that they'll be all doing an Outward Bound program. Kat explains to Jacinda that Outward Bound is "where they dump you in the wilderness and you have to figure out how to get out." Jacinda is all, "You're joking." Hey, by the way, who is taking care of Legend?
They pile into the van. They drive though some bucolic-looking English countryside, and Kat turns around and asks Sharon in this really bitchy tone if she remembered her hair dryer. Okay, I know that black women's hair is one of those grooming issues that's really political and a lot of black women don't feel presentable unless their hair is done within an inch of their lives -- or so they tell me every time I watch Oprah -- but since Sharon has always worn her hair tied back into a bun, just what is Kat talking about? Does Sharon actually blow-dry her hair and then put it back in a bun? I thought she'd just use a crème relaxer and leave it alone otherwise. I'm honestly confused. Anyway, Sharon is obviously hurt by this remark, but covers up the pain with a perky giggle. "I just had to tease you, I'm sorry," says Kat. I guess teasing Sharon is like rubbing the belly of the Pillsbury Dough Boy -- you just gotta, because she makes such a cute happy sound when you do that's just so much fun to hear. Jacinda joins in, only she's being a little more cutting. She exclaims, "Oh no," with a pitch-perfect rendition of Sharon's proper mainland British accent, and starts babbling about a variety of things Sharon-style. Sharon's smile fades ever so slightly. In an interview, Jacinda explains that "Sharon is such an easy person to make fun of that we all just take advantage of that." Richard, the Outward Bound guy, announces that the weekend will be full of "group bonding experiences." Everyone laughs bitterly in the car, and Kat even muses aloud that there was plenty of bonding on the train.
They pass a lake. "Oh, look," exclaims Sharon. "There's a lake!" No shit? Is that inland body of water you just passed really and truly a lake? Thanks, Sharon! "Oh, look, there's a lake!" mimics Jacinda. They pass more rustic landscape, and Jacinda keeps mocking Sharon's effulgent peons to nature. "Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be cowboys" sings some country star who obviously isn't Waylon Jennings, the guy who originally sang it. The car is parked, and the gang crawls out of the van and gathers by the lake at a pair of picnic tables. Someone who looks like a Bunim-Murray employee takes their picture again. Richard announces that it's going to be a fun weekend, and they're going to start by doing the "high ropes aerial course" after they show everyone to their "room." Sharon gives the camera a shrug and an "I'll be damned" look. In a sitdown, she wonders what Richard meant by "room: singular." Well the room turns out to be just that: a room for the seven of them, complete with several knotty pine bunk beds that look like they were bought unfinished at some place like Gothic Cabinet Craft in a sale advertised in the Village Voice. The gang are good sports about their living conditions, but there's just a touch of darkness to their cheer. I wouldn't be thrilled with the idea of sharing a room with six other people either, but I was always under the impression that Outward Bound involved camping in tents in some far-off location where you couldn't find a running toilet even if you wanted to and you had to find your own drinking water in a nearby spring. Since they have a roof over their heads and access to indoor plumbing, I'm not seeing the problem. We are warned yet again not to let our babies grow up to be cowboys. Hey, since cowboys are relics these days, shouldn't that song be updated to warn against growing up to be Real World cast members? You know, that instant fame that doesn't really do much for your career except assure you that people will stop you on the street and claim to know you and ask you why you hit so-and-so and if you're gay yet?
thing you know, they're in the woods, wearing matching cobalt blue fleece jackets. They don't have to carry all their food and bedding in their packs or anything, but they do have to take turns doing something Outward Boundish -- i.e. climbing a rope ladder or two. Kat explains that there were "safety ropes" but it didn't feel like there were "safety ropes." Oh, I hope it feels like there are no safety ropes when you fall the to ground and smash your collective heads on some rocks. Oh my god! Did I say that out loud? Lots of VOs about the importance of overcoming fear and so forth. Okay, guys? I consider bungee jumping a major overcoming of fear. Swinging on ropes while you are tethered to both trees with safety ropes and protected further by a net beneath you when you are no more than ten feet off the ground to begin with may be scary for you when you are actually doing it, but to a television viewer, it's about as suspenseful as watching golf. Gee, I wonder if Lars is still really high and will lose his balance on that rope ladder and plunge...a whole five feet into that safety net! Oh, and then Sharon announces in a sitdown that she's afraid of heights and that she's asthmatic. Why does that not surprise me? Then we see Sharon struggling through these idiot-proof rope courses while whining like Pomeranian. At some point, she announces to the group that she thinks she's going to die. When we get back from a commercial, Sharon is not dead -- but, you know, as a mortal being, I'm sure she'll die someday. For now, she just cries a lot while the group encourages her to go for it. In fact, she's got that facial expression that Heather Donohue had in Blair Witch Project that's in all the ads where she's got the camera smack in her face and she's shaking and crying. Sharon finally traverses the broken bridge or whatever was making her hysterical with fear, and the gang claps. Jacinda, who is in the tree behind her waiting to go , sends a swing flying to hit Sharon on her ass. As soon as it hits Sharon, Jacinda exclaims that she didn't mean to hurt Sharon -- only she's really insincere about it. I'd still never loan her money, but I love Jacinda.
"Jacinda being Jacinda, she decided to have a bit of fun," says Sharon in an interview, which would lead you to believe that Jacinda is going to get progressively meaner to Sharon until it gets to be all Lord of the Flies and they roast Sharon on a spit. Unfortunately, that's not the case -- for now, anyway. Jacinda's "fun" involves hooking herself up to this ropes course with a couple of bungee cords so that she's hanging, bouncing, and spinning while Kate Bush sings "Rubberband Girl." Get it? Because the bungee cords are elastic like rubber bands? And Jacinda is a girl? Lord, I have forgotten how much I hate Kate Bush. So Jacinda just hangs and bounces for a while and squeals like she's totally helpless and asks Neil to come and "save" her. Because it's not like Jacinda figured she'd get a little extra face time in the final edit if she flirted with Neil or anything. Nor was that the only moment during this entire Outward Bound trip that betrayed even a hint of sexual tension. More shots of Jacinda, only this time she's flailing her arms around like she thinks she's some sort of physical comedian or something. I still hate Kate Bush, and hate her progressively more intensely the more they play this song.
So then we get this shot of Sharon straddling two tight parallel ropes. Maybe there was a legitimate reason to show Sharon with her legs spread, but there were so many other camera angles that could have been chosen besides gyno cam. Oh, and then her pants split. How embarrassing! And how awful it must be for Sharon to yet again be the center of attention...except for the "awful" part. But no one is more amused than Jacinda. Later, she pushes on Sharon's rope with her foot in order to disturb Sharon's balance. Mike, in an interview, talks about Jacinda's evil infatuation with Sharon, which he describes as "funny, but not meant to be nice or considerate."
Now the gang has to do something really challenging. They are strapped into those hand trolleys that kids have in their backyards, and they have to jump and be carried by the cable a long long time. Dude, how hard can that be? That actually looks like fun. Nevertheless, Neil is scared. Kat calls him a "big chicken" in an interview. He finally gets the courage to jump, and it's really exhilarating for him. Sharon is all about feeling the fear and doing it anyway, so she jumps enthusiastically screaming all the day and deciding later, in an interview, that it was fun. Jacinda calls her "the loudest jellybean ever."
So then they're told they get to go to dinner...after they climb The Wall. The Wall is this tall wall that the gang has to work together in order to get over. Okay, I'll admit that The Wall is legitimately difficult, and if they can do it, I'll be impressed. Sharon goes all diva on everybody and proclaims that she doesn't have to go over The Wall if she doesn't want to. "Trust your team," says Richard. Which I guess is British for "suck it up, melodramatic fat girl." But then isn't "trust your team" one of those deliciously ironic lines in a horror flick, like "God is love" from Sybil or "eat your din-din" from Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? Because look who's on Sharon's team -- Jacinda. "Getting Sharon over the wall was quite an adventure," says Lars in an interview, and by "adventure" he means "pain in the ass." Jacinda makes another "jellybean" remark. But they get Sharon over the wall, and once they get her over, Richard proclaims that "anything is possible," meaning "even getting cows like Sharon over The Wall." Then there's more mischief at bedtime when Neil and Jacinda steal Sharon's pillow and laugh about it openly. "It's almost like they're trying to see how far I go before something gives," she says in an interview. "Sharon," says Jacinda sensuously just before lights out as everyone is quieted down. "Do you realize how funny you are?" "Sometimes," says Sharon, flicking through a Marie Claire. Jacinda laughs and gives her an evil look. The boys snore.
The morning, sheep and rams and all sorts of picturesque farm animals frolic in the English countryside like they're in an imported beer ad. The gang wakes up for breakfast. Lars jokes that he would like breakfast in bed, which, he's told, is not a possibility. Good Lord, the thing you know they're not going to have access to email or something truly barbaric like that. They eat and walk to this lake, where they have to put together a raft from all these tiny parts that are contained in a really small box and float across the lake and back. They tackle the problem as a group and decide to strap all these pieces to Sharon and have her body serve as a floatation device. Everybody finds this funny including myself, but Lars admits in an interview that he doesn't know if Sharon is offended by these remarks or not.
All of a sudden, these logs appear out of nowhere that apparently they are able to use in the construction of their raft. Um, where did they fit in that box? Evidently they also had a budget of some sort and were able to buy paddles and lifejackets somewhere. They string together a raft and put it into the water, but as soon as everyone gets on and paddles out a few feet, the thing falls apart. They are told to put it back together and try again. Neil gets all prissy and refuses to go along with the group, because they're not qualified to build a boat and shouldn't be forced to. Even fraidy cat Sharon wants to continue, but Neil is unmoved. "We built something. It didn't work," he says. "Let's move on." They decide not to continue. Yeah, lest they actually get on a raft that crumbles underneath them and leaves them stranded...in the middle of a really shallow lake on a summer's day with lifejackets on. Thanks, Neil, for using your leadership skills to avoid a fatal disaster.
While we're on the subject of team-building exercises, did anyone catch Neil on the Real World/Road Rules Challenge? What a baby! Number one, doesn't his appearance give the lie to the fact that Neil was oh so reluctant ever to be on TV again after he was on Real World London as he stated on his website? Number two, you'd think that by then he'd have given up on being Mr. Subversive and just embrace his TV whoredom, but no, he's still questioning everything. For instance, they have to go to this army camp and participate in these boot-camp exercises -- you know, obstacle courses and stuff like that. Neil tries to get out of it by claiming to be "philosophically opposed" to anything militaristic. Okay, Neil? If Bunim-Murray came up to you and asked you to gut a newborn baby with a bayonet, I could see how that might be a conflict. I could also sympathize if, say, you were asked to design and dispatch a nuclear warhead. However, wearing fatigues and running through some tires can hardly be classified as feeding the killing machine. That island you live on? You know? The United Kingdom? How do you think you're all so economically and politically secure up there while many other countries suffer constantly from famines and shifting governments? Do you suffer from the delusion that the British are just so darn lovable that other nations leave them alone and let them enjoy their stable economy just because? The British were "The British" because they used to have the best navy in the world and no one messed with them. Yes, they are less militarized today, but still no one messes with the British because they kiss the ass of the U.S.A., an even more heavily armed country. If Britain could protect herself by herself, she would. If Britain could be a superpower, she would be a superpower. In other words, Neil is like one of those girls who tries out for cheerleading freshman year and, upon failure to make the squad, decides to spend the rest of his high school career moaning about how sexist and irrelevant cheerleading is. Furthermore, Neil, if even superficial symbols of the military piss you off so much, you might want to reconsider wearing combat boots every day. So then Neil's "objections" fall away for some reason -- I'm thinking that a Viacom lawyer got on the phone with him and made them disappear. So he starts to gloat in an interview that the Real World team is going to win this round because most of the events involve "intellect." Yes, folks, it's been five years, and Neil still hasn't dropped the "intellectual" bullshit.
So the event requires them to get their team across this field without touching the ground. They are given planks, and there are posts stuck in the ground that they can put the planks on top of so they'll serve as a temporary bridge. Only they can't put the planks on the red posts, only the green ones. And they would have known that if someone had read the instruction manual that the two teams were given. So the Road Rules team reads the instructions and gets over the field. Then Neil heads up the Real World team effort and decides to take a short cut that the Road Rules team "missed" by putting the planks on the red posts. They are immediately disqualified for putting a plank on the red post. So much for Neil's "intellect" winning them anything. And then when both teams are subsequently allowed to "relax" at the Playboy Mansion, Neil doesn't have a problem partying on a pornographer's dime. So much for philosophical concerns.
So, back to the episode at hand. Their task is to climb a hill while staying together as a group. Remember Sharon's asthma? Well, she didn't while she was packing, and as a result she doesn't have her inhaler with her. Why am I not surprised? She has to go slowly. Jay and Richard stay behind to escort Sharon up, but everyone else runs ahead, oblivious to Sharon's burden. Or you could also say that Jay and Richard are oblivious to Sharon's blatant ploy for attention. Sharon justifies being left behind in an interview and explains that she could understand that the others wanted to run ahead. "If I had that level of fitness, I'd be there with them." Maybe, Sharon, but I think they'd have just run faster.
Then there's another ropes course. Only this one is really high up. They have to jump from a tree and grab onto a horizontal bar a few feet away and hang there. But they're all strapped into these safety harnesses, so, yet again, there's no real risk of serious injury. Neil professes to having a fear of "jumping into open spaces," and tries to get out of it. Sharon puts up a fight herself, but eventually the gang convinces her to get up there. She stands there for a while, trying to summon the courage to make the leap, which is so hard for her since, you know, being the center of attention is something she always avoids. Everyone, even Jacinda, shouts out encouraging things. Eventually Sharon chickens out, which she justifies by talking in an interview about her "personal boundaries." Neil wistfully expresses his contempt for the peer pressure placed on Sharon to do something she legitimately couldn't do. Oh, and what was pressuring you to put your tongue into the mouth of a drunken stranger? Common sense?
In a voice-over, Lars explains that they were at Outward Bound for two and a half days, and toward the end he started to get fed up. "They were all little arguments," he says in a confessional. The gang is shown failing to make a decision about their activity, and are therefore condemned to clean their room until lunchtime. Sharon has a fight with Jacinda about borrowing a magazine. Jacinda keeps bitching to Sharon about the fact that Sharon is no longer letting Jacinda read her magazines. Apparently, Jacinda returns them in bad condition. Meanwhile, Kat and Neil don't have sex, but instead sit at a picnic table and discuss, for some reason, which animals could co-exist within a cage together without any one killing the others. Is that a metaphor?
Back in the "room: singular," Jacinda keeps sniping at Sharon about the magazines. Sharon leaves the room to join Kat and Neil. "Does it bother you being picked on all the time?" asks Kat. Sharon tries to deny it blithely, but is obviously upset. "Well, it would bother me," says Kat. Later, in an interview, Sharon says that she almost said, "Well, if it bothers you, then why did you take part?" Later, on a dock by the lake at twilight, Jay sits with Sharon and asks her if she feels like she's the "house joke." "Feels"? Sharon admits casually that there's truth in every joke, but she keeps the pain to herself. "I don't know if I hurt or not," she says to Jay. Jay says some kind sensitive things about Sharon in a VO while Sarah McLachlan wails in the background about someone deserving something better than what they were getting. Yeah, well, Sarah McLachlan never had to share a bunk bed with Sharon, did she?
Their course is up, and they get their diplomas. But, as Lars explains in an interview, they each have to present a certificate to someone else. Lars has to present to Sharon, so he tells her she's a funny person and that he was impressed with what she did. Sharon screams and screeches in mock horror by way of accepting his compliment, which he delivers kneeling for some reason while Hootie and the Blowfish bear witness and ask us to "let her be." Jay talks about how touched Sharon was over Lars's tribute to her and how cool he thinks Sharon is. Whatever. Sharon sits alone and reads while Jay appears to be watching her from a distance. She explains in a voice-over more bullshit about why she takes crap from people and how that's noble of her or something. "On a day-to-day basis, she still just amazes me," says Jay in a voice-over. Whatever.