I wonder how many times the word "Puck" will be used in this recap. I'm sure they say the name about three hundred times this episode.
Puck's a Cancer. There's an understatement. Rachel reads Puck his horoscope. It tells him that there are many times he has to adapt in his life, but this is one of those times that he doesn't have to. Thank you, Rachel Foreshadowing.
Puck and Rachel are fighting through the security-camera view. Puck wants to know why she initiated their kiss. Rachel says that it's bullshit that she initiated it. She explains to us that they were hanging out all the time and she thought their friendship was "really cool." So, "on three occasions," they kissed. The trial of Puck and Rachel starts with this montage of Puck and Rachel flirting, kissing, hugging, showing each other the insides of their mouths. Rachel says that the kisses were an "extension" of their friendship. She never thought of him as a boyfriend. Puck says that Rachel was the one who came into his room to kiss him, so she's the one starting things. Cory is heartbroken as she tells us that she wasn't surprised to hear that Puck and Rachel had been kissing. Judd tells us that Rachel and Puck fight like an old married couple all the time. He says that they used to fight all the time and that it was "cool," but now they fight all the time and it's "not cool." Why is there a Judd again?
Puck and Rachel fight over how to clean a tub. Rachel dumps cleanser all over the tub and Puck tells her to stop. He says it's all going into the ocean. He tells her that if she used her arms to clean the tub, she might be able to open a jar every once in a while. Point for Puck. Rachel laughs, because she likes to play the dumb girl, and calls him a "little shit." He says that she's a little something else and walks out of the room in time for Rachel to tell us in a voice-over that she needs to meet more guys so that her life isn't so Puck-centric. She says that this will improve her friendship with Puck. I love that Rachel is obviously attracted to Puck but knows it's nasty to think so, and she hates that he brags that they mug down because she doesn't want anyone else to know that she likes Puck so she just fools around with him when nobody's looking and then tries to play it off like they're just friends when other people are around. Tease.
Puck invites rude friends over. They harass a dog. Rachel likes the one with long hair. His name is Damian. It takes forever here for Puck to be drunk, argue with Rachel, and then disturb the house. Puck tells us that he still likes Rachel, but that he's not going to take her crap just because every other guy she dates does. Rachel tells us that Damian is the most perfect guy of all of the guys she's met so far (three), and that she wants to date him because he has long hair and is nice. Apparently Puck told Damian to back the fuck away from Rachel. He tells us that he doesn't think Damian is good for Rachel and that she just flirts with any boy with long hair. We watch Rachel make that face she does where it looks like her eyelids are glued to the back of her head, all innocent and dumb, and she pets Damian's nasty-ass sweaty ponytail. Nice frock, Rachel. I think you forgot the bike shorts that go under that thing. Rachel explains: "Puck could never, like, treat me the way I want to be treated. And so, I mean, that's why we're best off to be friends. And that's why we are just friends." I bet it's hard to treat Rachel the way she wants to be treated.
Puck and Rachel ride bikes to the park. Puck in his filth, and Rachel in her frock. Thirty seconds of bike-riding scenes almost give me a heart attack from the excitement. Puck tells us that Rachel was checking out cute guys in the park, and that she saw a tiny dog. The tiny dog belongs to some girl named Toni. Puck thinks she's hot. Toni asks if Puck and Rachel are together. Puck and Rachel say that they live together, but that they aren't dating. Puck instantly starts scheming on the girl and she takes the bait. He tells her he's a bike messenger. At first he thinks she's repulsed, but it turns out she loves dirty, nasty men like that. She lets him open up her bottle of champagne, for some reason. Puck makes Toni smell his shirt because there's an apple inside of it. Toni is patient or dumb. I don't know which one. Rachel pouts nearby as Puck gets his schwerve on. Toni gives Puck her phone number, and that's when Rachel starts smack-talking about how filthy Puck is. Rachel walks off. Puck asks for Toni's address. Her name is Toni Cook. "Can you cook?" Puck asks. That's when I would have run away as fast as I could. "Rachel can't cook," Puck adds. I would have run so fast I would have flown. Rachel voice-overs that Puck goes out with "trampy girls that don't have respect for themselves." Nice. Sorry about the undeserved hate, there, Toni. Well, you are dating Puck, so it's not totally undeserved. Rachel says that she respects herself much more than any girl does who dates Puck: "So he expects me to be like them and I'm not." Puck tells us that he think Rachel's a big talker "and not much with action."
Puck and Rachel play pool with Mo and pretend that they don't hate each other. It's very annoying. It's almost as annoying as Cory interrupting us here to explain what Puck's "really like" and that he has a hard time communicating with girls. Like I need Cory to understand "the Puck." Puck and Rachel fight and flirt, flirt and fight. Rachel says that she's fairly intelligent and attractive, so she expects to be treated well by a guy. Puck tells us that he can't say anything nice about Rachel. Several shots of Puck and Rachel looking unhappy as they play pool until we go to commercial.
Cory's car is fucked. Mohammed and "Rachel's friend" borrowed it to go to Berkeley. Cory drove it for the first time since they borrowed it, and the clutch is completely shot. Pam explains that Cory can't even drive her car up the hill now, and that she's completely bummed out about it. Puck, however, doesn't want to hear one second of Cory's whining. Point Two for Puck, by the way. He says that she lent the car out in the first place, so it's her fault that the car is fucked and she has no reason to whine around and moan because if she didn't want her car broken, she shouldn't have lent it out. Cory says that she should be able to be upset. She's all warbling to us that she thinks that if someone borrows something they should return it in the same condition it was borrowed. She's upset that Puck isn't listening to her. Pam has to explain this subplot to us because she never has one of her own. As Cory tries to bitch to Pam about the car, Puck tells her to shut up about it and that she can't keep whining. Pam tells us that she wanted to hear Cory's concerns, but now Cory is yelling at Puck. I'm so glad we aren't wearing those flowery dresses anymore. All buttoned up the front and tied in the back like flower children. "Puck is a terrible listener," Pam understates. Cory whines and whines and whines. Absolutely no resolution to this subplot, by the way, I guess because Mo probably paid for the damage as soon as he found out what was wrong with the car. Besides, this episode can only be about Puck.
Pedro finds it impossible to deal with Puck, he explains to us again for the zillionth time. Now everyone is upset that Puck uses the phone too much. He gets lots of calls, and if someone else gets a call while he's on the phone, he doesn't take a message. They have a house meeting about it, and Puck basically says that if another call comes in while he's on the phone, he's not about to get up to find a pen and paper, so he just tells the person on the phone to try back in two hours. Pedro says that he always takes messages for Puck if he gets a phone call. Puck says that it's Pedro's fault, then. He doesn't have to take a phone message if he doesn't want to. I say Puck loses phone privileges if he can't obey house rules for decent phone usage. Wow, I sounded like Pedro just then, didn't I? Rachel sits so close to Puck that he eventually gets up and leaves while everyone is still bitching at him. Pedro is speaking about himself in the third person anyway, so I probably would have left at that point as well. Point Three for Puck. They all keep bitching after Puck leaves, and Puck tells us that he doesn't care about the phone.
Puck meets the girl of his dreams. This Toni girl. He's at her apartment.
Cut to Rachel back in that frock, and Cory lying on the counter. Cory asks where Puck is. Rachel says that Puck's at Toni's apartment, and that he called to brag about it.
Back at Toni's, Puck is on the phone telling someone that they're going to some club. Toni says that Puck can't get into this club dressed the way he is. Puck says that he can do anything he wants. He tells the person on the phone that he's still wearing the same clothes he was wearing yesterday. Toni is mortified, and obviously dating Puck to be on this show. By the way, Toni? Cameo called. He wants his gold pantsuit back. He said the only way you could keep it is if you really were a member of Tony, Toni, Toné. Because, I mean, you are, aren't you? It's the only excuse for that outfit. Oh, wait. Are you going to paint a house later? Because then it's okay, too. Oh, and no matter what hip-hop group you're in, you're not allowed to carry a dog around in a wicker basket at any time. Stop it.
Rachel prisses: "Me and Cory [sic] have a lot in common. A lot more than -- than I thought we did? We have a lot of the same problems with Puck, so that's also kind of a bonding factor in there." This sentence is so strange because they obviously merged two sentences together, since you can hear the sound skip after the word "same." Cory explains that the only choice two girls not dating Puck had was to get drunk. They drink Kahlua and milk and bitch about Puck. Rachel's practically bragging to poor Cory about all of their problems. The scene is edited so poorly that sometimes Rachel is talking while we see her sipping her drink. Rachel tells us that they drank more than she thought they would.
Toni is dressing Puck in Bugle Boys. She makes him take a shower. He says that she has to watch. They shut the bathroom door.
Rachel is just blabbing on about absolutely nothing as she pours Cory more vodka. They laugh and clink coffee mugs filled with booze. Suddenly Pedro is there, telling us that the girls were crazy drunk. Rachel is standing up now, yelling about Puck, and Cory's laughing. Mohammad's there laughing as well. Rachel inappropriately says, "I know Cory. She comes from meager beginnings!" She then starts laughing, and Cory starts asking what that means, and since Rachel can't explain without sounding like a bitch, she just collapses over Cory's head and laughs. Pedro and Mohammed aren't leaving until they see some naked girlie fighting. Sadly, the cameras leave before we get to see it.
Puck says that he doesn't care about Rachel, and that he has lots of friends. We watch Toni dress Puck more and more. He tells us that he found a "rad girlfriend" as we go to commercial. Is it the same day? I hate that these kids never change clothes.
Candice Bergen is telling me that by joining Sprint Canada I can get fifteen cents a minute from anywhere in Canada and twenty-two cents a minute from the U.S. I'll stick with my three cents a minute, Candy. Thanks for the ridiculous offer, though.
Rachel is back in her frock, but Puck is in a new outfit. They're playing pool again. With a capital P, that rhymes with T, and that stands for Trouble. Right here in Boring City. Rachel thinks that Puck's an asshole. Puck thinks that Rachel's a little shit. Again. Again. Again. People are all just sitting around the pool table listening. I don't know who some of them are. Rachel tells us that Puck's only acting like this because he's starting to realize that they're never going to date. Sure. Puck starts going on about their kissing again. Puck says that the more Rachel calls him an asshole, the more he wants to be an asshole. He explains it to us like this: "That's who I am. I mean, I am The Puck." He explains it to Rachel this way: "That's just kinda me. Mister Captain Captain Confrontation." Reporting for service, sir. They keep bickering until my eyes glaze over. Puck picks up a stuffed ball that might be a pillow shaped like the world and throws it in Rachel's direction in honor of her one-thousandth uttering of the word "whatever." Suddenly Mohammed's all, "Hey, dude." Like, it's totally not cool to toss pillows at Rachel. Rachel looks all scared like Puck's going to throw the pool table . He's kicking things, telling Rachel just to get everything off her chest. Rachel just keeps widening her eyes as Cory watches, filled with jealous rage, from the other room.
Rachel complains that nobody is sticking up for her.
Mohammed says that it was totally uncool for Puck to throw that pillow at Rachel's head. Rachel gives a self-satisfied smirk. Mohammed says that he has to listen to Puck bitch about her every night. Rachel says that her life is great right now, except for Puck.
Pedro shaves and tells us that everyone has committed to living together for the amount of time that they have committed to live together. Hey, it's not my sentence, man. Rachel puts on shoes that are Doc Martens in the front and sandals in the back. Hee. So ugly. "Puck makes me crazy, too," Judd adds here for absolutely no reason. Did we ask you to come out of your cage, Judd? Shut up! Go draw something.
Everyone goes to a restaurant for Mohammed's birthday. Pedro tells us that they all talked about Puck because Mo brought him up. Puck's not there, by the way. They're still talking about the pillow thrown in Rachel's general direction. She says that it didn't hurt her, but that it was mostly "the action" that upset her. She says that his words hurt her much more. Poor baby. They all admit that they are frustrated with Puck. Rachel opens her eyes so wide they fall into her curry. Cory warbles around that Puck cares about them, and that he'll want to get along with all of them. Rachel immediately pipes up that she likes Puck, but that she doesn't like the way he's "declared war on the house." I wish Rachel and Cory would just flip for Puck. Pedro says that he doesn't like Puck at all. Suddenly they are all saying that they don't want to kick Puck out of the house. Judd's all uncomfortable. Cory is pouting. Rachel says that "unlike Cory," she's not afraid of confrontation and she can't do it alone. Pedro says that he doesn't want Puck out of the house. Mo says that it's the only thing they have with which to threaten Puck. Pam says that Puck will just walk. Mo and Rachel say that Puck wouldn't leave. Mo tries to make a million-dollar bet as Rachel pipes up, "He's not going out like that." Judd asks whether he may speak to Puck alone first. All conversation stops, as Judd the Mood Killer has done his work again.
Judd leaves a note for Puck as he tells us that he just wants a moment alone with Puck to talk to him before everyone else gangs up. Judd draws as he tells us that Puck hasn't been around lately. He says that Puck might be lying low.
Puck holds hands with Toni and tells us that they're like the same person. Puck goes to a salon and Toni watches as they shave most of his head and dye the front of his hair blue. It's spiked up; both Toni and Puck are happy.
Back at the house, Puck tells Cory that he's getting married. On Mother's Day. Cory tries to hold back tears as she calls him a liar. He says that he's not lying. He promises. Puck tells us, "Whatever Pedro is trying to do, by announcing, 'Oh, I am engaged to my lover,' that's what I got, okay? This is, like, by far sicker than that. Way sicker. 'Cause I am sicker than Pedro." This is how you play the game of life, people. When you're seven.
Rachel wins the understatement contest going on this episode with this: "Puck's not very stable." She then says that she doesn't know what Toni must be thinking.
Puck and Rachel fight in a bedroom. Rachel has stolen clothing from the Stevie Nicks collection. She cleans and puts on clothes as she flirts with him and he flirts with her. She tells him to go get married and be an adult. "Whatever, Puck," she says about nineteen times. She storms off.
Rachel tells us that Puck would never listen to her, but that he might listen to Mohammed. Mohammed tells us that it's a problem for all of them now.
Everyone meets to decide when to meet the day to tell Puck that he might get thrown out of the house, even though they don't want to throw him out. Are you guys sick of this group yet? Everything's such a deal because they don't have any real problems in their lives. That's why Pedro is the most interesting person in the cast. Judd says that they just need to meet with Puck. They tell Puck that there's a house meeting the night. He walks off laughing. Cory tells us that she doesn't want to do this. Judd doesn't want to do this. Pam doesn't want to do this. Pamie doesn't want to do this recap anymore. She's sick of these people moaning about everything, and then taking back their complaints with their breath. Puck, Puck, Puck, Puck, Puck, Puck, Puck. Man.
Puck rides his bike near a train. He opens a cane like he's in A Clockwork Orange. He says he's not good with "the compromise thing." He says he's a steam train. No, none of those things are related. That's just how they chose to end the episode.
time, there's a meeting to discuss Puck. Puck, Puck, Puck, Puck, Puck.
During the credits, Rachel and Cory fret about talking to Puck forever.