Okay, I'm going to mention the previouslys because they contain scenes that we've never seen before, although I'm not sure how that qualifies them to be previouslys. Puck tells us that Joker, his dog, is living with Joker's mom because he's "sick all the time." Smart dog, that Joker. Rachel tells us how great she is at school and how much she loves it. In other news, Cory has no direction and Pam is an overachiever. Puck is a criminal.
The roommates, minus Puck and Mo, are out to dinner. Everyone starts talking about relationships. Pam says that her first boyfriend was gay, and from what I've seen of Chris, who came to visit her a couple of episodes ago, I'd be willing to bet that he is too. C'mon. Long distance relationship for eight years? You do the math. Cory lets it slip that she's never been in love before. In an interview, she talks about how she'd like to have someone to make "the transition to San Francisco easier." Talk about the wrong reasons to get a boyfriend. Then Pedro teaches Cory how to tango in a restaurant. Aw. Say goodbye to Pedro because that's all we see of him this episode.
Cory wants a job in a coffee shop. In an interview, she tells us that they are the "hip" jobs to have. Because it's easier than getting a personality of her own, she decides to jump on the coffee shop bandwagon. So we get a whole bunch of shots of Cory hoofing it around town asking for applications, and being told that business is "really slow" and whatnot. Listening to one of the java jockeys speak gives me the impression that business isn't the only thing that's "really slow," if you know what I mean. Like, please take the marbles out of your mouth before speaking, Cletus. Back at home, Cory is complaining to Pedro that "five-dollar-an-hour coffee shops want me to write a résumé." Oh boo hoo hoo. Not. Rachel gives Cory a copy of her résumé to use as a template, because I guess Cory has never seen a résumé before or something. Now I know who the target audience of all those For Dummies books is.
Rachel is making her way to UC Berkeley's "Graduate School of Public Policy." She's applied to a whole bunch of big-name schools and she wants "to study international relations...I may want to be a professor or I may want to do consulting. I'm kind of leaving it open." Which is good, because what actually happened was a shotgun wedding to an ex-lumberjack before settling in Podunk, Wisconsin. People, you just can't even make up stories better than that.
Suddenly, the producers remember that some chick named "Pam" lives in the house too. She went to Harvard. She's in med school. She works hellish hours. She only sleeps three or four hours a night. That right there is enough to kill me. I was the type of child that would ask if it was naptime yet. In the kitchen, Dudd is cooking breakfast when Pam comes home from work, and she grosses him out a bit by telling him about her day. ["I would make a 'gross anatomy' joke about the fact that they end up going out after the show ends, but...oh, would you look at that." -- Sars]
Here's Puck to tell us that Pam "has made it." I'm getting really sick of the editing technique in which the producers introduce the person's segment through some throwaway comment from the person.
Puck is on his way to his fifteen-week-long recovering drunk driver program. The program is called "The First Offender Program," and I almost choke on my own tongue because the last time Puck was a first offender was probably in utero. Puck says, "I'm not looking forward to it or nothin', but, you know, it's there and I'll probably learn something." That and the raspberry Puck gives the camera in an interview tells you everything you need to know about his attitude. Puck has an interview with his counselor person, and we get the particulars of his arrest. Puck had two beers and a shot of Jaeger, which gave him a blood alcohol content of .14. He insists that he "barely drunk." Um. The California DMV defines a "definite" DUI as .08 and a "likely" DUI as .05 to .07. Did I not get the memo when the word "barely" was redefined? Puck's counselor has the patience of a saint, because he doesn't even bat an eye when Puck tells him that he walked the line "on his hands," just to show off. When you feel the need to "show off" to law enforcement officials, I think it's time to admit that you have a problem.
So Puck is at a park when a dog comes running up to him. We see Puck pick up the dog and walk off. The cameras don't show him looking for the dog's owner at all, and I'm inclined to think that it's because he didn't. Puck tells us that he could tell the dog was hungry because he "looked at me and said, 'I am hungry.'" Y'all need any more proof that Puck is mentally ill? I get the feeling that he really did think the dog was talking to him. So Puck brings this random dog home. Puck and the dog bond, and Puck teaches her to stand on her hind legs and turn around to get a treat. Whatever. I taught my cat to do the same trick. Now that's impressive. To sum up: everyone loves the dog, including me, because I'm all for anything that takes screen time away from Dudd.
At the house, Pam gets off the phone in tears because she had set up a rotation weeks ago, but now the clinic claims that they won't have a position for her. Pam, who is talking to Cory about it, doesn't understand why the situation has changed. Surely someone as smart as Pam could figure out that maybe the clinic doesn't want a camera crew getting in the way every day? Cory tries to commiserate saying, "Oh, it's sooo frustrating," but I doubt that's any consolation, since you get the feeling that if Cory made a list of frustrations, it would include such Herculean tasks as "having opinions" and "breathing."
In the kitchen, Cory is talking to Rachel and Dudd about her inability to find a coffee shop job. Rachel tells her that she hasn't been "aggressive" enough, and Dudd suggests that she march into one of the coffee shops she's interested in, put on an apron, and tell them that she's going to start working right then. Did I mention yet how much I hate Dudd and his stupid advice? As anyone who has ever been in a position to hire employees will tell you, such tactics are more likely to get you arrested than to land you a job. In an interview Cory says, "I think I have a really hard time asserting myself...and carrying myself in a way that says, 'Hey! I'm the one you want to hire!'" Knowing is half the battle, Cory. God, how boring is this? Let me sum up the rest of this for you -- nobody wants to hire Cory, so she gets a job at Nordstrom because she's worked for them in San Diego. The big day comes, and Cory getting ready to work. She's wearing -- GACK -- white tights. Nobody over the age of eight should wear white tights. Ever. Cory comes home from work on what we're presumably supposed to think is her first day, but it can't be since she's not wearing the same outfit. She's in her room crying because she had a rough day. I will not mock. I've worked retail. People just suck sometimes.
Rachel and Puck are lying on her bed. Rachel tells Puck that she has some "bad news," namely that she didn't get in to Princeton. Puck wants to know if Rachel wanted to go to Princeton just because it was Princeton, and she snippily tells him that she's been "preparing for this major for two years," and that "graduate school isn't something that you just decide to go to." Whatever. I still think if Princeton were named Yokel U, Rachel probably wouldn't have applied. Puck tells Rachel that he wishes her the best and says that he's not sure what he wants to do with his life, but he does want to "get away from bike messengering," and that "there's something else for [him] in this world besides being a messenger." Apparently that "something else" was a opening a worm farm, which has since folded. That's right, I said "worm farm."
Dudd and Pam are trying to talk Puck into finding out who actually owns the dog. Puck is reluctant and invokes Section -748 of the Playground Ethics Codex, more commonly known as The "Finders Keepers, Losers Weepers" Clause. But the others prevail, and we get a montage of Puck taking Polaroids of the dog and making flyers. Puck tells an unknown housemate that if the person who claims to own the dog isn't the "right" kind of person, Puck will pretend that he's not convinced that they're the owner and keep the dog.
Cory and Geoff, a British friend of Puck's, are flirting while playing pool. Later, Puck goads Cory into giving Geoff a goodbye kiss on the cheek, but Cory is all embarrassed because boys have cooties. Then the bell rings and recess is over.
Puck needles Cory about calling Geoff because he left her his number, and she decides to invite him to go hiking with her. They go hiking. Cory picks a ladybug off of her leg. Geoff calls it a ladybird. What a scintillating discussion of cultural differences. Later, Geoff hears a bird squawking and tells it to "shut up!" and throws a rock at it.. That's pretty much a "game over." Oh, the drama. Back at the house, Cory is telling Pam about her date, and she's trying pretty hard to talk herself into liking Geoff. Pam sets her straight, and then cracks me up with her interview comment of, "When Cory and I talk, I listen to what's going on with Cory. A lot."
Pam tells us that she's invented her own rotation and that she's working with the local homeless. So we get a whole montage of Pam in a van ministering to San Francisco's needy. It's sad that someone like Pam, who has definite goals and responsibilities, wouldn't make it onto the show nowadays since she wouldn't be able to give up her life to participate in the forced march-slash-train wreck, I mean "job," that the producers concoct every year.
Dudd and Puck are putting up flyers about the lost dog and asking people in the neighborhood. Someone directs them to a flyer about a block away. They go to Pizza Love to call the owners. At the pizza joint, Dudd and Puck are talking and Puck is saying that he wants a reward. Dudd suggests pizza, but Puck says, "Screw the pizza, Judd. I want fifty bucks." Oh, that's a great attitude. Puck stole someone's dog, wasn't even going to give her back, and now he wants the owners to pay him for it? Classic. Beth and Chris (the dog's owners) run in soaking wet. Beth is so relieved to have found her dog that she actually kisses both Dudd and Puck. Ew.
Back at home, Puck is sad and looking at pictures of the departed "Girrl." In a confessional, he says, "But I'll get another dog. Dogs are dogs. People are people. There's a big difference there." Thanks for pointing that out, Captain Obvious.
week, get your hankies ready, because Pedro's T-cell count is low.